Did you ever have one of those days where everything you said is somehow misinterpreted just enough to totally confuse things so that you don't really know what the other person is saying and they don't know why you don't understand and it all just gets very awkward and you don't know how to get out of it?
Yeah, hi. That's me!
I'm not going to comment on any more blogs today or answer any more emails or nothin just to stem the flow of confusion I seem to be causing.
Instead I'm going to eat sugar and wish you, again, a Happy Halloween!
It first started a few years ago when my backup husband* broke our promise and went and got married.
And more recently, my two not-boyfriends who I could just have a fling with if I really really needed to and there would be no emotional repercussions because we'd already been there and never quite managed to date moved to Vancouver.
With their girlfriends.
Currently I have no backup husbands or boyfriends or rompity romp friends. (Please don't make me explain that, I'm really not that kind of girl, it's just that ringlets can be so hard to resist.)
I'm thinking I won't be able to replace my bench and while I'm not really desperate for someone to randomly smooch, I do miss having a backup husband.
It was nice knowing that if I didn't find the perfect guy, I could at least have a marriage with a good friend who made me laugh. At least we'd have had fun, right?
It's kind of weird when your Exes start moving on and getting married and (gulp) having kids, but it's even weirder when your non-Exes do the same thing.
I don't think I'll be able to rebuild my bench, but I wouldn't mind finding me a backup husband. Maybe someone should sell husband insurance; for $9.99 a month, they'll find you a decent guy to marry before you reach the age of your choice. (You'd have to be at least, what? 26? to order this insurance?
What? You're still shocked at the rompity romp thing aren't you?
*We promised we'd get married at 40 if neither of us had married by then. I figured since I wasn't getting married anytime soon, it wasn't fair of him to go and fall in love.
Dude, I have no idea why I love this song so much, but there it is.
It come on a lot while I'm at the gym and every time it does, my brain says "Victoria? You totally have to write a post about this song and guys busting a move and all the stuff that this song's about!"
But by the time I get home and showered and sat down in front of the computer my brain has forgotten all the brilliant stories and anecdotes I've thought up.
Once, I got so far as to decide this photo would be PERFECT for my story and I typed up the title and uploaded the photo from flickr and, I'm not kidding, the entry looked like this..." I forget what I was going to say."
So now it's up to you to break my writers block, my friends.
Tell me your "bust a move" story. I know you've got em.
Need inspiration? Crank up the volume and dance to this puppy. Cuz you know what to do G, bust a move!
Young M.C. Bust a Move
PS. I hereby claim the right to re-use this photo should my originally intended post re-appear from the deep, dark recesses of my mind!
I've been thinking a lot lately about first kisses.
Mine, to be specific.
If I'm perfectly honest, first kisses that morphed into first make out sessions have been lost in the recesses of my mind somewhere. I couldn't tell you what my first kiss with Smith was like and that's too bad. Ok yes, I've now just admitted that our first kiss was a make out session.) The first kisses that stand out in my memory are the ones that were just that. A kiss.
I have two first kisses that stick in my memory more so than others.
One was with my first serious boyfriend, the one I had my "other" first with.
It was back in first year university and I'd had a crush on this guy for a while. One night, a few weeks into our attempts at flirting (or whatever it is you do when you're young and ignorant innocent) we were all heading back to our residences and were hanging outside my building. Someone started talking about finding the right person and this guy mentioned how he'd heard people say you had to kiss a lot of frogs before you found your prince.
I looked over at him and he was sitting on top of a garbage can and something about the light, he just looked so vulnerable and like he figured he wasn't anybody's prince, more like an ugly frog. And I leaned over and mumbled something about how he looked like a prince to me and I kissed him. It was really sweet.
The next first kiss I remember very well is my first kiss with DD. This one currently resides in my mind as my best first kiss.*
DD and I had met for our first date and he was walking me back to my car after.
I got to my car and unlocked it and thanked him for the date. (We'd met for drinks and then played pool until late in the morning) I leaned in and gave him a hug (and possibly a kiss on the cheek, I forget) and opened my car door.
I had it all the way open when DD reached out and gently closed the door before I could get in. Then he leaned forward and gave me the most beautiful, delicate kiss. It lasted just long enough for me to feel a little bit dizzy.
He pulled away and I just kind of stared at him and he said "there, that's better" and he opened my car door, helped me in and told me he'd call me tomorrow.
The words are escaping me to describe these moments well. Both were incredibly romantic and powerful and meaningful and I enjoyed them immensely.
With my first boyfriend it was all about the moment.
With DD, it was all about how smooth he was.
Smooth, gentlemen, is something you either have or you don't. And if you don't have it? Don't try.
Sincere will always go over well, so mean it.
I don't think a first kiss should be over thought (right, good luck with that, eh? As if we're not all thinking about this from the get go...), but I do think it should be special.
In a perfect world, I think a first kiss should stand alone.
I like first kisses that just happen.
And, I think there's a difference between a first kiss that's all about hope and potential and what's to come v/s a first kiss that's all about lust and sex and good-god-how-quickly-can-we-get-into-bed already?
First kisses should be about a promise and a beginning of something.
First kisses should be something you both remember.
A while ago, I talked about the pressure some women feel when they make the choice not to have children. Or when they're not sure. Or when they're not ready. Or whatever it might be.
Lately, I've been watching people go through the other side of the pregnancy story.
There are a lot of wonderful people out there who, for whatever reason, are unable to have children naturally.
There are women out there who give birth to children who are ill, or who become ill.
There are a ton of blogs out there that write very well about the difficulty of being unable to have children, or the struggles of fertility treatments, or the worries of being accepted to be foster or adoptive parents.
It's hard for me and I'm on the outside. It's extra hard because so many people I know seem to be getting pregnant right now. Or having a baby any day now. Or, in some cases, starting their second pregnancy. Which is hard because how do I share someone else's joy with someone who wants nothing more than to have that same thing happen for them and is having their heart broken month after month after month.
I wish the world was simple. I wish everyone who would love a child was able to have one to love, the way they want to have that child. I wish becoming a parent was always easy. I wish everyone who was able to give birth was able to be a fit parent.
I wish I could comfort everyone who has struggled with having a child and I wish I could comfort every child who has felt unwanted or unloved.
I don't really know what this has to do with being a single girl, it's just hard to see my friends hurting. And I don't know how to support them.
I still don't know if I'll have children, but I hope that if I decide to, it'll be an easy, joyful experience.
Let's send some good vibes out there to all parents to be, kay?
There's family stuff (find me someone who doesn't on occasion have family "stuff" to deal with) and work stuff (as in, too much of it and how did it get to be the end of October already?) and training for work stuff.
And there's me stuff and while I haven't met anyone new, Smith is no longer the major player in my daydreams anymore (or my night dreams, for that matter) and while that may feel like progress to a lot of you, it's still kind of sad for me.
I wish I could talk more about it, but I'm protecting myself and protecting my anonymity. Things aren't bad...they're just uncomfortable.
Change is like that.
So when I say my latest unhealthy obsession is "stuff"? I know what I mean. And you? Well you can just fill in the blank, ok? I won't mind.
Once things settle again I'll be able to share more, but for now, it's just tricky getting the time to sit and write and then it's even trickier to know how to put into words what's streaming around in my head. And if things don't settle? Well, then I'll just keep throwing unrelated random stuff at cha kay?
After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all of your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure... That you really do have worth. And you learn and you learn... With every goodbye you learn.
I was sitting here going through my iTunes library when I came across a bunch of songs that had been on a CD made for me by B, an old...friend of mine.
I don't know if I've talked much about B here although I think I may have thrown out a hello to him here or there if memory serves. (And, memory often doesn't!)
B's a person who will always have a fond place in my life. I had a huge crush on him for a while and while it maybe might have gone somewhere it didn't. Kind of.
Yes, there are stories there and good ones too, but B reads here on occasion and I'll defer to his feelings on whether or not he wants me sharing just how hot he looks naked with the rest of the internets.
Um... whoops! (Sorry B, I kind of slipped up there.)
Ladies, let me just say, he had ringlets when he grew his hair long.
October Wears the Colour of a Rusting Piece of Tin
I don't know what's going on where you live, (The Ex mentioned a while ago that she wished her leaves were changing colours) but fall is being totally awesome around here.
Yes, I know it's raining (temperate rain forest, 'member?) but it's also windy sometimes and then all the leaves (all gold and orange and brown and beautiful) fall and swirl and it's just awesome!
A couple of months ago, I mentioned a Spirit of the West song from which I took today's title. It kept on running through my head and I've been watching the trees for that rusting piece of tin colour.
And it's here.
If it's where you live too? Enjoy it.
Things only last so long, but they're oh so beautiful while they're here.
If you live here, or near here, look around. Find the dark green and light green leaves and the yellow leaves and the orange and purple and red leaves. Look at how they all contrast and compliment each other and how the streets seem to be this mass of colours.
Take the time to look at it; the beauty out there right now is hard to resist. Just looking out my window right now I can see seven different shades of leaves. And three of those are on the same tree!
A lesson in multiculturalism from nature; it is the combination of colours that makes the world beautiful.
Busy weekends for me mean no downtime for catching up with writing here and telling stories and thinking my way through things.
This last weekend was busy and this next weekend is going to be busier. I keep telling myself that I'll come home and do some writing but then I get home and then there's work stuff to do and by the time that's been worked through (notice I don't say "done", ha!) it ends up being time for bed (where, most recently, I dreamt about an impromptu concert on a ferry and then fell off of it when it got wavy, sigh) play, rewind, repeat.
I keep waiting for some time to get my ducks in a line but work just won't seem to slow down. Everyone's been commenting on it at work. I guess it's just a busy spy world right now or something.
So miniature update? I miss Smith, or to be more specific, I miss our relationship, and we've talked a few times recently, but no, no changes there; he's still in limbo and while I'd love fate to move him out here it doesn't seem likely. More on all that some other time. Right now I feel that if I can figure out what I'm thinking it'd be best that I talked to Smith about it first before blabbing all about it here, but we'll see. I'm allowed to change my mind, you know.
Anyhoo, must head, hope all is well. Advance apologies if things are a little slow around here, kay?
This last weekend I ended up going into the computer department of London Drugs three separate times on three consecutive days. (Bought something cool, yes I did! But then it didn't work. But then I fixed something and it did! I'm so smart.)
Each time I ran into the same, cute, helpful guy who worked there. So on my final visit I asked him if he had some good plans for Thanksgiving (hello, trying my bestest to be flirty, right? I know you're all proud!) and he paused and said "Yes, I think we know what we're doing."
See guys, you always have an opportunity to let us hot (possibly flirting with you) chicks know that you're taken/involved and a real man lays it out like that as soon as possible.
I've talked before about how gross and sleazy I think it is when guys mention their girlfriend/fiancee way late into a conversation (or sometimes not at all for a few dates, ahem) instead of right away.
If you're committed to her, all you have to to is just drop a "we" or "my girlfriend" or something. If you're not committed to her then break up with her and you're free to flirt.
I don't know if this guy at the store did it on purpose or if he's just so happy in his relationship he thinks of himself as a "we" (Or, if as I suspect most of you are going to tell me, he was clueless and had no idea.) I just thought it was very studly and manly and gentlemanly of him to do it.
I'm having a lot of recurring dreams these past few weeks. I think of them as nightmares because they're disturbing, they bother me even once I wake up and they mean my sleep is not at all restful.
In these dreams I'm pregnant. Usually fairly newly pregnant and not really showing although that's just last night's. I think the first time I had this dream I was all belly and shuffling waddle steps.
I figure these dreams are due to the fact that a good friend of mine is pregnant and had an infection that ended her up in the hospital for a week to make sure everything was ok with, well, all that stuff, you know?
I wonder if worrying about her and visiting her and seeing the stress on her normally easy-going husband's face crept into my subconscious. In my dreams I'm not only pregnant, but pregnant and dealing with some massive problem like a huge earthquake or having to get my ex's van driven somewhere even though it was huge and impossible to drive and I was pregnant and not supposed to be driving a van (don't ask, I have no idea).
I looked up "pregnancy in dreams" and apparently either I'm pregnant (scoff, not unless it's a miracle birth, dude) or it represents "an aspect of [my]self or some aspect of [my] personal life that is growing and developing. [I] may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal."
Well ok, so one of my good friends is pregnant, I get why that might be showing up in my dreams. And I do have growing and developing creative stuff going on at work right now that is blowing my mind a little, so I get how that might transfer into "pregnant" imagery. But dude, do we have to be so stressed out about it all? Why for the earthquakes and vans and bad bad stuff for poor pregnant dream me?
I just wanna get a good night's sleep without having to save the world and stuff, mkay?
Word seems to be out that I'm ready to meet guys again and while you could argue that I started it, it's still a bit of a shock now that people are actively trying to set me up with guys.
See it's one thing for me to talk about how cute so and so is or how I'd date that guy if he were single, it's another thing for people to start telling me about the guy they want me to meet.
I can't wrap my head around it.
Example? This cute guy came in for a tour of our work last week. (They like the spies-in-training to see what they're getting in to you know?) I told him he could follow me for the morning (come on, I'm not dumb, I don't mind a little eye candy to stare at) and we had a good chat about being a spy and the business and stuff. As he was leaving, I told him he was welcome to contact me any time if he had any questions about anything (Come on, you've got to be proud of me for that little attempt at flirting, no?) and that was that.
But then I got home that evening and felt panicky. What if he did call and asked me out? Holy bleep I'm so not ready to consider dates or meeting for coffee or that whole "what does it mean if he didn't call" crap. I'm not ready, I don't think, to push myself into getting to know another guy and transferring my feelings to someone new.
I'm sure it'll happen at some point, but I'm hoping it will be easy, casual, relaxed and fun; say a group gathering of some sort or ... wait, isn't that how Smith and I were set up? Hmmmm....
I guess I just don't feel ready to jump into something new but if the right guy comes along, maybe that'll change.
Or maybe I'll say yes to a date before I have time to think about it. (And yes, that's also how Smith and I first ended up on a date.) I just don't think I want a new boyfriend yet.
I've been thinking, lately, about how my breakup with Smith(Dude, can I tell you how tired I am of talking about our "breakup"? I kind of hate that term and wish it would just disappear and that I could create a new term that didn't just make me sound pathetic. Because, we're not on a break, we tried thatalready, but since I'm not totally really completely moving on [yet] I hate calling it a breakup. Sigh.) Smith ended things and how I've felt so many different ways about it.
Most people are familiar with the stages of mourning or the grief cycle and I've been thinking about how what I've been going through fits perfectly into this model.
I think that I was in a denial phase for a really really long time. I think maybe while we were even still together I was trying to convince myself it was working better than it was and once things stopped going well at all I couldn't face it. I didn't want everything to be getting in the way of what I thought could be a good thing.
Somewhere in there a lot of bargaining took place. I kept on thinking of what I might be able to do to save the relationship. I started to consider things I didn't want to do and I started to try to force things to be different or to change, knowing all the while the more I forced it the less it worked.
I'm not sure where I am right now. The stages aren't mutually exclusive and sometimes you cycle back and forth and in and out of them and there's no way of telling how different people will go through things or how different things will affect someone, so as you all reminded me, I'm not "supposed" to be anywhere, really.
I'm not sure I'm accepting that our relationship is over, so maybe I'm in some sort of bargaining stage again or something? I just know I've been missing Smith lately. The anger isn't as strong (seriously, it suddenly disappeared about two weeks ago and I can't figure out why) and I'm not feeling so blue anymore even though there's still a lot of sadness there.
I guess, right now, I'm feeling un-convinced that Smith is meant to be out of my life forever, but if he is, I believe that time will show me that and it'll be ok.
Maybe that's just denial in a different form.
It's certainly interesting to be able to look at it and see where I've been and what I've gone through. Blogs is good for that, eh?
I miss Smith and only time will tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing. The point is, it's a thing, and there's no point in trying to hurry that thing away.
My grief over what has gone on with the end of my relationship with Smith will run its course at its own rate. I'm going to try not to beat myself up over trying to be where I (or anyone else) think I "should" be.
"Be gentle with yourself" -Max Ehrmann
*A play on a beautiful song by the amazingXavier Rudd, My Missing, the key words of which are "I miss you in my life" which is terrifically true for me. I miss Smith in my life and sometimes I think he feels the same way.
Hi. My name is Victoria and this here's my blog. I started posting here in 2006 because I was writing anecdotes (to myself) in my head anyway, and I figured I may as well write them down. I don't think I ever expected anyone to read my brain thoughts, and I'm still pleasantly surprised to discover that anyone does. This blog started out being about being single, and has morphed into being about whatever's on my mind. This is my life, my world, my thoughts and my take on things. For what it's worth.