Saturday, 30 April 2011

Ok Seriously

I need to know if this is just me.

I can't watch any of the Royal Wedding stuff without crying.

Seriously.

Didn't get up to watch it so haven't seen it all yet, but even looking at pictures or video clips so far?

Tears.

Am I the only one this is happening to?

Friday, 29 April 2011

It's Just A Thing


I was smiling when I took this photo.

1. Because there were good looking men smiling back at me and

2. Because C-Dawg loves firemen.

I don't know if she's ever dated one, or "dated" one (if you know what I mean and I think you do) but she may have told me and I've just forgotten, but for whatever reason, firemen get her a little giggly and girly and we often joke about lighting things on fire or fainting just to get some firemen to show up.

Which made me wonder, what kind of guy makes me all giggly and girly? What kind of guy do I have a thing for?

And you, do you have a "thing"?

Thursday, 28 April 2011

Priorities

Most of the good C-Dawg stories I have are getting written down elsewhere, but this is so very typical of the awesome things she says and how they make me laugh.

So rough weekend, yeah? For C-Dawg and I both, but for very different reasons, so we'd planned to have a big Easter dinner at her parents' place but sickness and babies and plans changed and the two of us ended up heading out to the most delicious pizza place in town instead.

We got seated at the bar which allows you to watch the pizzas being made right in front of you, by hand, before they're slid into the brick oven and cooked to perfection and melty cheese heaven.

C-Dawg and I were very happy to be sat there as the pizza chefs on this particular night were all handsome young men.

(Plus, it's actually very interesting to watch)

By the end of the evening, I was practically drooling over one of the chefs and as C-Dawg and I left I lamented the fact that since I figured he was a good few years younger than me it would never work out.

I told her that it bummed me out because when I was a good few years younger I wouldn't have had the guts to go for it or even flirt with him but now that I'm closer to having the guts to flirt or heck, even ask him out, I'm embarrassed to because I feel the age difference (whether real or imagined) would just make it weird.

C-Dawg told me that it didn't matter anyway, because I could just go home and use this hot young guy as fodder for a happy bedtime story (if you read between the lines at what she was not so delicately getting at.) And I told her that no, because it would just make me sad to realize that I'm too old for such a pretty young thing.

C-Dawg, always practical in these matters, turned to me and said "Well, at least get off and then be sad.*"

It's good to have a friend who's got her priorities sorted out.







*Not that you asked, but no I didn't. Just wanted to be clear.

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Pushed


One of the things I did this long weekend was push myself outside of my comfort zone and I'm really happy I did.

When I mentioned the other day that I wanted to start trying to take pictures of people, a flickr contact of mine offered to take me out shooting.

I really appreciated the offer (thanks!) and so we headed out in the sunshine this weekend and I got to experience and learn and try out street photography.

It was great to have someone experienced and comfortable to go with because I spent a lot of time feeling...weird.

Weird because I didn't want to bother people or get "caught" by people or annoy people or be noticed or, the list goes on and on.

But once I got my nerves up and saw that, really, most people either didn't notice or didn't mind I tried it.

And I liked it!

Sure, I spent a lot of time saying "darn, I wish I'd gotten a photo of him/her/them" and I spent a lot of time going "nope, that didn't work" but every once in a while something would work or I'd see someone or something and I'd get that shot and that made it worthwhile.

It's something I'm going to have to practice and get used to. The idea that I'm allowed to take pictures of people and that it's ok and that some people like it and there's instinct involved (ie. don't point your camera at the big yelling drunk guy) and that I'm not doing it for nefarious reasons is a new idea. It's not comfortable quite yet.

There's an aspect to it all that's something akin to "sneaky" because for me, at least, I'm looking for candids. Natural shots of people just doing what they're doing, so there's a part of me that feels like it's weird to take photos of people who don't know they're having their photo taken.

At one point in the day another guy with a camera asked what we were taking pictures of.

"People," I said and he laughed and said "Good."

And then he showed us a photo he'd taken of us.

So I suppose it's all fair game and who knows how many times my photo may have been taken without me knowing and turnabout is fair play, yes?

I know street photography or unknown candid photography has the potential to upset people or anger people but for me it's all about telling a story.

What is the best photography, the photos that we look at over and over, the ones that show us something about a time gone by or an era we only know from black and whites? It's a story.

And people are amazing and beautiful and interesting and I want to see them and see *how* I see them.

So I'm going to try to take photos of them.

It wasn't easy for me, the process, but I'm glad I started and tried and I want to keep pushing myself to get out there and do it because it's uncomfortable. But it's a good uncomfortable. And it's something I want to keep trying.

I don't know if any of this made sense, but I took some pictures this weekend and I think I really like them.

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Whew

I had a long long weekend.

Yes, sure, in the "extra days off work" long way, but also in the "that was tough" way.

And I feel like I've said that a lot recently about weeks and weekends and how they've been tough and long and well, I guess that's just how things are right now.

My stress ran me into the ground this week end I was run down all week and ended up with a nasty cold this weekend.

I guess I'm glad I had the time off work to rest and recover but it also wasn't fun. C-Dawg and I had a plethora of plans in the works and they got shortened and postponed because I couldn't do much.

I had a good couple of walks in the sun and a cool photo taking experience but come Sunday morning I was absolutely done in.

The kind of done where I couldn't do anything more than lie on my couch and sniffle and sneeze and feel awful.

Spent most of the morning catching up on the second season of one of my favourite shows, Parenthood.

Didn't even know there was a second season, so I was happy to find it.

Six episodes in I stopped.

Realized I was all alone on Easter Sunday. Not by design, a bit by choice (I didn't have the energy to visit with family and didn't want anyone exposed to my cold) but it was the first time ever I hadn't been with family on Easter and it hit me hard.

Do you ever get like that when you have a terrible cold? Everything just hits you harder?

C-Dawg was at home missing her new boyfriend and I was at home single and alone.

They're two different things you know, and the alone part is much much harder.

It didn't help, I suppose, seeing this amazing tv family all perfectly imperfect and everyone so close. So much togetherness and I was very much sitting sick at home on a holiday weekend on my own, and it felt like with my Dad's health issues and their inevitable aging and just the reality that when it comes right down to it being single means being alone and maybe that's my reality this go round.

So I cried.

A lot.

Swollen shut eyes kind of crying.

Called people and cried.

Talked to my parents, my brother, C-Dawg.

Did it help?

It must have, but it didn't feel like it at the time, just felt like I had taken a drop of sadness out of what feels like a gigantic ocean's worth.

Which I suppose is what mourning and loss feels like at first.

Knowing that this weekend was a bottom, a low and that even yesterday things were lighter.

Having my cold start improving and spending the day running silly errands with C-Dawg, eating ice cream and buying new lenses for my camera and taking care of me and being with someone instead of being alone.

It helped.

But man that was a long weekend. Disappointing and hurtful and sad and lonely. But good too.

A better day yesterday and looking forward to good things that are most probably just around the corner.

And chocolate that didn't get eaten (how you know I'm really sick) that will be waiting for me when I get home from work today.

Monday, 25 April 2011

Breaking News

The puppy cam is back!

I repeat, THE PUPPY CAM IS BACK!!!!!

You're welcome.

Friday, 22 April 2011

Day


Happy Earth Day / Good Friday!

May your Earth Day be full of fresh air and a walk through the trees and flowers or mountain air or ocean breezes or something that reminds you of the amazing beauty we're lucky to live in and share.

And may your Easter weekend be full of chocolate and fun and relaxing.

I hope you get some time to be with your loved ones this long weekend and that the Easter bunny is good to you and that you remember to get chocolate on for really good sale after Easter so you can melt it down to put on strawberries in a few months!

And if you have cultural or religious celebrations at this time of year may you enjoy those with your family and friends. I'll be thinking of you all this weekend and wishing you lots of love as we really, truly head into Spring!

Happy Easter, y'all.

See you in a few days.

Thursday, 21 April 2011

Woah!

I just realized that today is actually a Friday not just a Thursday!

FOUR DAY WEEK! FOUR DAY WEEKEND!!!!!!

How could I have forgotten?

Sweet.

That was probably the best forgetting I've ever remembered.

Wednesday, 20 April 2011

What I Did

So, Fen. Fen who never quite falls out of my mind no matter where he is or how far away from my life his life might be.

I wrote a post about Fen in October. My Dad got sick in November. In December, C-Dawg told me about a friend of hers who reconnected with an old high school not-quite-a-sweetheart after all these years and they're now together, happily.

Fen was never my high school sweetheart and I'm not sure he should/would/could have been, but I all of a sudden didn't want to have the ability to perhaps contact him again and not take it.

So I took it.

I emailed the contact at a site where Fen's name showed up and I awkwardly told them who I was and that I was looking for my old friend from high school.

And Fen emailed me back.

We've caught up briefly, momentarily, in the last month or so and he's away right now, travelling, so I don't have any more to tell you. May not ever have anything more to tell you except that he's a man. He's a grown, beautiful man and I can't reconcile that idea with the awkward boy I fell in love with so many years ago.

I both know exactly who he is and have no idea who he's become and it's . . .

It's something.

I want to know him but I'm scared he's grown into something beyond me or who I could have been or who I imagine he might be. And I'm not even sure I'll get the opportunity to find out.

But at least I reconnected.

At least I didn't let him slip away entirely.

I hope to never have to.

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Jump Into My Brain For A Minute

I heard this for the first time in a long time last night and now it's going through my head again and again:

Harry Nilsson - Everybody's Talkin' (1969)



I think I secretly love this song and I sing the first line out loud over and over and over:

Travie McCoy: Billionaire ft. Bruno Mars


This is on repeat in my car right now. Just this song. Over and over and over:

Answer - Sarah Mclachlan


And then this:

Sarah McLachlan- Bring On the Wonder



It's weird inside my brain, eh?

Monday, 18 April 2011

Fun

C-Dawg and I had the coolest run yesterday, seriously.

It boggles my mind that I just typed that but it's true!

First of all, it was the first run for us in a while where we didn't have time constraints so we headed out knowing we had as long as we wanted, which was a nice way to start.

We tried to head out to see the cruise ships, but we'd missed them but that general direction took us along the waterfront where, for some weird reason we kept on smelling coconut. Like the smell as if you're on a beach where someone has put on that coconut suntan lotion and it's all beachy and coconutty? Know that smell? Yeah, we had that for about the second fifteen minutes of our run. It was so weird. We wondered if it was a hallucination due to the fact we both wish we could be somewhere hot and sunny and tropical right now, but since we both smelled it we figured it couldn't be a dual hallucination.

You really had to be there to see us, we were smelling our hands, hair clothes. At one point, I even leaned over to C-Dawg and said "seriously, maybe it's my hair stuff?" and she had to point out that she couldn't run and sniff my hair at the same time without seriously bad things happening.

There was a good ten-fifteen minutes of this weird coconut oil smell following, no, ahead of us on our run and it was super bizarre. But cool too.

A while after that, we were zig-zagging through one of the neighbourhoods in the area and looked up to see this massive massive eagle being attacked by a small bird. This bird was awesome. It made hit after hit on the huge eagle's wing and dive after dive aimed at its head. We both stopped to watch it and clapped when the eagle finally gave up and took off and the littler bird went winging back to its nest. "Power to the little ones!" may have been shouted by the shorter of us. (coughcoughC-Dawgcough)

We were finishing up and headed towards the park and when we got to the edge of the park we were distracted from our now-very-puffed-breaths conversation by this odd noise.

Which turned out to be a group of people racing awesome remote controlled cars over this cool dirt course setup complete with jumps and curves and it was so awesome I can't even begin to describe it. We just stood there in awe and I gasped every time a mini car went over the biggest jump and landed and flipped over and had to be righted by the guy whose job was to do just that. We got to hear the announcer announce "Final Lap!" and watch the winner get the checkered flag. It was so much fun and such a random thing to see it, we're hoping they're out again next Sunday so we can go watch again!

By then our run was pretty much over (less than a minute to go after I un-paused my watch) and we were going to walk the rest of the way back to my place when something hit me in the head.

Something cold and wet and bouncy.

In less than ten seconds we were pelted by these massive hailstones! Now, usually a hail storm here in Spring lasts all of two minutes, so we ran to the nearest tree and took shelter. It's been a while since I've seen such a massive down pouring of huge hailstones and I don't think I've ever been caught outside in one.

So imagine our surprise when the things just kept on coming and coming, the ground covered in a blanket of them in less than a minute.

We were already laughing and kind of looked at each other and said, hey, do you just want to go out in it? Heck yes! So we did.

We ran out of our shelter and ran through this massive hail storm. Pellets of frozen water the size of small peas really sting when they hit your face you know!

And do you know what else? They're friggin freezing! And they get you absolutely drenched.

I laughed so hard, which made the running even harder, we were running half collapsed over from laughter at the crazy awesomness of it all.

But man were they cold, and we kind of just kept running to keep warm and get home faster.

By the time we'd gone through about 7 minutes of this craziness it started to let up and we were able to, shivering and drenched, walk quickly the rest of the way back to my place.

You should have seen us. Two, soaking wet, red faced, hysterical people in run gear that was stuck to our bodies with freezing hail water. I felt so awesome.

That will go down in the history books as one of the most fun runs I've ever done, and I can't wait for the next one.

Seriously, it was the craziest, coolest run. So awesome.

(Insert my smiling grin here)

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Dude


Now *that* was quite a week.

I got absolutely blasted by work (not that I talk about work but seriously, dude) and came home every night utterly exhausted but couldn't quite get the sleeps I needed to feel rested.

I had some very intense dreams, one where C-Dawg and I were on this awesome, crazy 10K run through forests and down these deadly hills over roots and puddles and along beaches and it was an amazing run/race but so not restful. I had another one where I had the opportunity to go take photos in Paris but I was the only person who didn't know to wear a disguise so the whole dream was stressful and I missed out on good photos. Did you know Paris is entirely black and white? (I don't remember that from last time I was there but dreams don't lie.)

I also had some great, hilarious moments and a couple of good runs with C-Dawg (yay!) and some things click fortunately into place.

Like the time I went to buy new sweat pants, (didn't really need new sweat pants, but, and this is the truth, wanted an extra pair to keep at C-Dawg's so I can always be super comfy and relaxed over there) and found out that starting five minutes after I got there the store was having a surprise half off sale on the very sweat pants I was willing to pay full price for and it was very YAY!

I'm really looking forward to a restful day today and then a night out with C-Dawg.

Both are very much deserved after this week.

Hope your Saturday and your weekend are both deliciously awesome and relaxing too!

Friday, 15 April 2011

Huh

I realized something the other day.

I love music and I love singing, so you'd think I'd sing along to music when I listen to it.

But what I just realized is that when I have my iPod in, I don't sing along, I lipsync!

So I'll even be walking along outside with my earbuds in and I have to stop myself from lipsyncing so that people don't think I'm crazy. But even weirder? I do the same thing in my apartment where there's no one to hear me.

It's kind of as if I want to be the singer so I pretend it's me singing!

I do tend to sing out loud in my car though and I usually have to stop myself from singing out loud at concerts (so that the people around me can listen to the actual artist)

But isn't it weird that I don't sing out loud when I have my earbuds in?

Or is it un-weird.

Thursday, 14 April 2011

Personal Envelope Pushing


One of the things I love to take pictures of is people.

I take a lot of pictures of my family and friends but then, of course, I don't post them so that we can all keep some semblance of anonymity.

Which leaves me with an option of taking photos of strangers, which is something I'm not yet comfortable with.

I noticed a local photographer on flickr the other day who had a few shots of people in and around Victoria. I asked him if people ever got mad at him and mentioned that I wanted to do more street photography but am always worried that people will get annoyed with me.

He said he was too and that was somehow very reassuring.

I sometimes feel like people who are doing something I want to do but am not brave enough to do must be just naturally bolder or gutsier than I am and must not have the same worries or concerns that I do, so it was really nice to hear that that's not necessarily the case.

Does that mean I'm going to go grab my camera and run around downtown this afternoon taking pictures of people?

No, not quite.

But I might be getting closer to being ready to try.

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Another Break

I have a lot going on right now and I'm not in a good space to be doing the online dating thing so I'm taking a bit of a break from it right now.

It's also true that the more I consider my experience with it, the less sure I am that it's a way of meeting people that works for me.

My Mom asked me the other day how things were going with "the online dating" and I told her I really didn't think it worked with my personality.

"Are you trying too hard," she asked, "Not hard enough?"

I said, that no, it wasn't really that, but just that meeting a stranger for the first time is so uncomfortable for me and so not something that jibes with my personality that there's no way I enjoy it and so no way I'm being myself.

"Well, it is worse than a blind date?"

That's just it. It's exactly a blind date. Over and over and over.

For me, that's a lot of what's not working. Meeting someone cold turkey like that doesn't work for me so I'm not comfortable and so I don't see how I could click with anyone.

I don't even know how I'm coming across to these guys I'm meeting because I hide my nervousness well and am fully capable of carrying on a conversation and filling awkward pauses and making sure I'm engaging and interesting that I'm nowhere near relaxed.

Whereas I know when I meet someone in a situation where I'm comfortable, while I'll still be nervous, I'll warm up and will be able to be myself.

Like when C-Dawg had a bunch of girlfriends over at her place the other night, I didn't know many of them and I felt nervous. So I just hung back for a while until I started to feel more comfortable and soon enough I was chatting away with everyone and got along great with all the new people.

Unfortunately, a blind date situation doesn't allow me the time to be reserved and quiet before I relax and warm up, so this online dating thing isn't working for me.

Which leads me back to my original problem, the one that turned me to online dating in the first place. . . I need to be meeting more single men than I currently am in a situation that is not a blind date situation where I can slowly get comfortable and therefore get to know them.

I just have to figure out how to do that.

And where.

But for now, I'm going to step back a bit from the on line thing. I know it works for a lot of people (just ask C-Dawg) but I'm not sure it's going to work for me.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Ok


Making lists calms me down, so I'm going to try to make a list here.

What's on my Mind: A List (in no particular order) - by Victoria

1. What to get my Mom for her birthday
2. How I'm ever going to get a date
3. Well, not really a date, but how I'm going to meet my next boyfriend
4. My weight, or more to the point, my junk food intake, and, more to the point, when and how I eat it
5. How I'm handling C-Dawg and her new boyfriend and their relationship and how it's making me feel
6. Some tests my Dad is having this week and what their results might be and where we'll go from there once we know
7. My super relaxing pedicure this weekend and how I'd like to have one of those massaging chairs in my living room
8. Work stuff
9. Friends and acquaintances who are going through difficult health things
10. How I miss the last book in a series I just finished reading and wish I hadn't rushed through to finish it even though I really wanted to find out how it ended
11. What groceries I should buy for the week
12. What I could do instead of eating when I'm upset (see No. 4)
13. When I can run this week, and hopefully, when C-Dawg and I can run together this week
14. If I can find cute shoes that are comfortable
15. That I should get my car washed before the dirt gets, like, permanently etched in there
16. If there's any way I could get paid to not work
17. Why my body still hasn't fully recovered from the car accident and why stress is making it feel worse
18. Why stress is making me forget things
19. Why I'm so tired even though I'm sleeping fairly well
20. Why I had a non-PC dream about a guy I'm really not attracted to but who is a sweet (married) friend
21. Fen
22. How to ask for help and support when I don't feel I deserve it in some weird way
23. Why I feel so guilty about so many things
24. Why some people get paid a lot lot lot an hour
25. How I still don't understand how people write fiction novels. I mean, they say write what you know, but how can anyone know about vampires or space travel or stuff that is imaginary?
26. If I should have done something different out of high school
27. How I'm going to have to stop this list at some point or it will go on forever
28. Why I forgot to put a new roll of toilet paper on when I'm the only one that lives here (see No. 18)
29. That I should maybe just go to 30 so that this list feels even
30. If the 10K is going to be painful

And other stuff

Monday, 11 April 2011

Bleargh

Too many things going on.

All I feel able to do is lie on my couch vegging.

Apparently they don't pay you for that.

So now I have to go back to work.

Ick.

Saturday, 9 April 2011

But The Thought's There Now


Last weekend, C-Dawg and her new boyfriend and I went for a wander around Beacon Hill Park (a beautiful park here in town.)

As usual, I had my camera with me and would stop here and there to grab a shot.

At one point, as C-Dawg and her fellow were wandering up ahead of me I half heard my name and said "What am I doing now?" since I wanted to know what terrible things she was telling him about me.

"I told him that you take these amazing photos and then never show them to anyone" she said.

And I just kind of stopped.

And mumbled something about "well, anonymously online."

But I've been thinking about what she said and kind of chewing on it a little.

I don't know if I'd say my photos are "amazing", but I do like some of the photos I take and what *do* I think or feel about showing them to someone? Someones. People.

And the answer is that I'm not sure yet.

But now that idea's been planted. And I'm not sure it's an idea I can entirely ignore.

Friday, 8 April 2011

I Need Some Fresh Air

I feel like I just barfed all over the internet.

So I'm going to slip outside for some fresh air and glorious sunshine.

And Not In A Fun Way

I don't know how to say this because I really don't want to be mean, I really don't.

Everyone is deserving of love and everyone is entitled to find a partner that suits them and that they can live happily ever after with.

But. . . how do I put this gently and politely?

Well, there are some very odd people on the online dating site I signed up on.

(Seriously*)




*My reminder note for this post said "crazies on dating site"

Thursday, 7 April 2011

More Randomness


Ok. I have a couple of random house questions for you.

Why would a chair/couch start suddenly squeaking? Is it the change of weather? Did it suddenly get old? Am I suddenly four hundred pounds heavier? Did I move it in such a way it's all uneven? And it's not a little squeak, it's more of a groan, actually.

About how long should it be taking for my cordless phone to be charging? I got a new one in December and I swear it takes half a day to charge. Which seems weird, because my old one, which I replaced because I thought it wasn't holding a charge for long enough only took a couple of hours to become fully charged.

How can I stop my boiled eggs from being so smelly? I boil a few to eat during the week and every time I open my fridge it's mega stinky. I don't like it. Yuck.

Whenever I try to repot my indoor plants I tend to kill them, so I haven't repotted any since I moved in here, but I have a couple that I feel like they're outgrowing their current homes. Should I do anything or just let them be? Also, talking about this I feel guilty, like I'm keeping animals in zoos or something. I feel like I should let my poor plants free, to let them live out in the wild like free plants!

Born freeeeeeee!

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Oh Shush

I want stuff.

Fun stuff that I don't need or really would even use that much once I'd gotten it.

Like, I want an iPhone and an iPad.

But here's the thing... or one of the things. I don't need either one of these things.

I have an old iPod touch that my parents gave me because they weren't using it enough and I hardly use the thing myself.

Sure, I have a couple of app games I play but they're almost more of an annoyance than anything else now that I've gotten the hang of them.

I use my laptop a ton at home of course, but don't really need a replacement for it.

People have told me I'd love an iPad, but my laptop is working just fine (knock on wood) and would I even use an iPad enough to justify the cost?

Same with an iPhone. I have a cell phone that works just fine and I don't even really use it that much.

I text on it and take an occasional phone call in my car (which uses Bluetooth so I pretend I'm in a spaceship because it's super cool!) and I sometimes use the calculator to help me figure out what tip to leave at a restaurant, but do I need an iPhone? Not really.

But I want one.

I want one like a child having a tantrum in the store over the fruity cereal their Mom won't let them have.

Can I afford either one of them? No, not really. But seeing as I just did get my tax return back, the little whiny person inside of me says that I should use that money for FUN STUFF instead of paying off loans and other grownup stuff. I mean, who needs new shoes for Spring when I could have a FUN TOY THAT WOULD BE FUN! instead.

So I'm just kind of sitting here telling half of myself to shush and be quiet and go away because until I win the lottery and decide to buy a bunch of useless stuff just to have, I really don't need a new iAnything.

I hate being the grown up one though. Cuz sometimes I just want new stuff.

Sigh.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Body Image


Body image.

I started this post forever ago and haven't been able to write it.

So many jumbled thoughts in my head and an understanding that this is a topic that is hard to talk about because whatever I say, it has the potential to hurt someone's feelings in some way.

But body image. It's a thing. And seeing as a lot of yesterday's age post really relates to me feeling like I LOOK "old" and that that, really, is body image too, I figure I may as well try to babble something out here.

I can't remember the last time I genuinely liked the way I looked but it probably was some time before I turned 11 or 12.

Why? Well, when I was in grade 7 I started to get acne. Pretty badly too.

I was dancing, fairly seriously, at the same time and starting to compare my body to the taller, thinner, more flexible, stronger dancers.

I had a serious injury the year I was 12 and my body took advantage of the recuperation time and threw puberty and curves my way.

Curves don't work in the world of classical ballet and all of a sudden my face was ugly and my body was wrong and I couldn't even find my balance anymore. Literally. (When you go from a flat chest to having breasts overnight, it's hard to find your center of balance for pirouettes.)

Those of you who struggled with bad skin in high school know that it affects how you think of yourself in a major major way.

I was never able to see past the spots on my skin and figured no one else could either. I was ugly. Hideous on bad days. Tolerable on good days, but uncomfortable in my body and so I'd try to hide it. Hunched shoulders, baggy sweaters, whatever it took to make me blend and disappear.

I look back now on photos my parents took on a family trip to Hawaii when I was in grade 10 and I am blown away by how amazing my body was.

I had a stunning figure, thin but with curves. A tiny waist, but full breasts.

Dear lord if only I'd known.

I wish I'd known.

But I didn't see it. I didn't come anywhere close to seeing it.

I was still dancing and the best girls, the girls who got the solos and the partners and the girls who got the boyfriends were thin. Rake thin and my curves were so ugly compared to them and their lines.

And my skin. Everywhere I looked there was my face, red and raw glaring back at me.

You know how it is with your face, you get one little spot and you swear it's all anyone can see. So imagine being a self conscious teen aged girl with lots of spots on her face and just think about what she must have thought everyone saw.

It took me a long long time to stop hiding my body. It took me until a few years ago to actually buy clothes that fit instead of clothes that are a few sizes too big but work to hide things I imagined I saw.

When I look back at photos of myself now I can see how beautiful it was. But when I look at myself today I can see all the parts I want to rip apart.

The belly that's no longer smooth and flat. The arms that have those floppy parts I never wanted. The wrinkles that I'm supposed to want to fight on my face. I can see thighs that aren't tiny and calves that can't fit in to regular sized boots.

But there's also a part of me that knows that if I think my body's big or ugly now, I'll be looking back at pictures of me in twenty years and wishing I knew how hot I was.

Because I don't think they teach us that.

I don't think they teach us that our body is only ever going to change.

We're told that puberty will bring changes and weirdness and then I think a lot of us spend the rest of our lives fighting to hold on to the body we had then.

I was a hundred and twenty pounds when I got my driver's license.

A hundred and twenty pounds and I still thought I was ugly. Probably told myself I was fat too.

I fight a lot to get back down towards that weight. To get back to a point where I can fit back into the size four grad dress I still keep in the back of my closet.

But me at a hundred and twenty pounds now would not be a healthy sight.

So why am I still struggling with my weight? Why am I still fighting to lose ten, fifteen pounds when people keep telling me I look great and asking if I've lost weight? (Which, no, I haven't, but thanks)

Because no one told me my body would never be the same.

No one told me that I should expect a different body every five or ten years.

No one told my Mom that either. Pictures of my Mom in her bikini after my birth are not the same body shape that my Mom has now, and she's not happy with that.

We need to tell each other this. We need to teach the next generation of girls that you only get that body shape for a while. That you need to enjoy it now because you'll have some slightly different version to learn to love soon.

I think we maybe all have body image issues, men too, so the question is, how do we learn to love ourselves how we look? And how do we learn to adjust to the changes our body has to go through and to accept the extra pounds that may come or the lines that turn into wrinkles.

How do we learn to be beautiful in the body our age brings us to?

How do we learn to know we're attractive as we are?

And how can I look at myself and not want to see the body of me at sixteen? A body I didn't know enough to be proud of at the time.

How do we stop being so cruel to ourselves?

And how do we find a balance between wanting to improve our bodies and accepting that we'll never be where we once were. . .

Monday, 4 April 2011

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Numbers Really Hurt Me

When I was a kid growing up, I didn't have dreams or make believe stories about what my wedding would look like, I just knew two things.

1. I would have a train like Princess Diana and
2. I would be married with two kids by a certain age.

Well, that age has long since passed and I'm not married or a parent.

I think the number I picked came straight from following my Mom's example so it's sometimes hard to remember that she got married comparatively young (especially in this day and age) and that she was also a virgin at the time, (Which I, er, am not.) and that people are tending to have kids later now.

I'm not even sure if I want to or am able to or am going to have kids, but that's not the point.

The point is I seem to be having some real age issues these days.

I don't feel old, but I feel like I look old.

I don't act old (read: am not an old fogey I don't think) but I feel like I'm past my prime.

I feel like I *should* have been married a decade ago. Should probably have had a few years under my belt by then actually.

So to sit here feeling like I'm past prime marriageable age makes me feel like I must now, by default, look old.

I work with a lot of people at my particular bat cave who are younger than me. And? They're all married, or in a significant relationship and so when I sit around and discuss life with them I feel like I'm, once again, past my prime.

And when I look at people whose age matches mine I feel like they look old.

And when I see the ages of the guys who I notice checking me out now, I feel like they're old.

I guess there's a part of me that's stuck wanting to be ten years younger and so not wanting to have to go out with guys who are decades older than where my mental dating age is.

It sucks.

I know it's all in my head, I know this, but I can't seem to do anything about it.

I know there are people younger than me who aren't married. I know there are people older than me who aren't married.

I know there are people younger than me who look much older than me and I know there are people older than me who look younger.

I guess I just associate attractiveness with age and I feel like I am no longer in the right age group to find someone attractive or to have someone attractive be interested in me.






*In slightly different news, I sometimes get people here asking me how old I am or why I don't talk about my age. My answer is always the same: it shouldn't matter. My hope is that people of whatever age can relate to what I'm going through in some way and can feel like I'm their exact age, whatever it happens to be. I've always felt like if I attached an actual age to me here, it might alienate some people and that would make me sad. Know what I mean?

Saturday, 2 April 2011

Being Polite


Sigh.

Got my hair cut again yesterday.

My hairdresser, as I was leaving, told me something I've been kind of pretending to ignore.

"Um, Victoria? I don't know quite how to say this, but. . . you're getting some. . . um. . . very light blonde?"

Yeah. I know.

If I had kids, I'd blame it on them.

Friday, 1 April 2011

Poisson D'Avril

I've never really liked April Fool's Day.

My parents used to get me every year with a very simple trick that I can no longer remember.

I just know it had something to do with waking me up first thing in the morning with something I was too tired to know wasn't right and I'd panic and then they'd say "April Fool's!" and laugh.

I never found it funny, I always just felt embarrassed.

I still feel the same way. I don't take well to teasing or jokes on me in general so I'm hoping to get through today without having to navigate through any.

If it's a day you enjoy? Good on you, have fun and play safe.

I'll be in my corner hiding 'til noon.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2016 and then some.) Kay? Kay.