Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Hi

I had a good day today. :)

Just thought I'd let you know!

Sunday, 26 June 2011

How

D'oh! by foundimagination
Ok, I have no idea how to do this.

I've been out of town for ten days and it wasn't a good ten days. It was a constant state of high stress and anxiety and, quite frankly, I think I've spent the last ten days in shock.

My body certainly thought so.

I remember when C-Dawg and I were in our car accident one of the things I said to my doctor was that the floor was moving. Like, am I on a boat? moving. And that lasted for a week. She asked me if I'd bumped my head but I hadn't and I never felt that kind of up and down flowy dizziness again. Until this week, so I'm guessing it's some kind of stress/shock response.

But anyway, I'm home and have been home for a couple of days and the ground's stopped waving and I slept last night without sleep meds and that's good.

But I don't know how to get back to normal.

I don't know how to decompress from all this. I changed. This changed me and everything here is the same and lives have gone on and I don't know how to integrate back in.

I hung out with C-Dawg Saturday which was good but it's all very surreal and I'm feeling panicked about having to go back in to work and all the.... normal that I'm supposed to just know how to deal with.

I'm sure time will help; I've only been back a couple of days and I'm sure as things stop being scary, I'll stop jumping at noises at night.

My Dad's surgery went well, but there are post-surgical complications that aren't letting me stop worrying. My Dad's not as young as he might be and I worry. Worry, worry, worry.

Time. Time heals all wounds, right? Including the physical ones.

But let me tell you, I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone. Not the surgery or the being a loved one of someone going through the surgery. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

A dear friend of mine's husband went through open heart surgery about a year ago and I find myself wishing I'd known then what I know now so I could have helped her more; supported her more because I didn't know.

We've talked about how you can only know what this experience is like if you've been through it and I am so endlessly grateful that she's been through it and can talk me through it all.

I just wish I'd known and could have helped her through what she must have gone through. And with an infant to care for at the same time no less.

I keep wanting to tell you that my Dad's ok, but he's not. He's in pain and discomfort and things aren't going smoothly, but he's alive and they say it's all a process and he just has to be patient and gentle with himself.

I should probably apply the same thoughts to myself.

But on the flip side he's here and still...alive. Some aren't so lucky. We are. . .

I came through this; we all came through this. My Mom has been amazing, and we were amazing together and who knew you could grow closer over such horror and fear?

We laughed, and those moments filled me with joy. Knowing I come from two parents who can laugh, happily, at the little things when all else is feeling dark shows me how strong we all are. I'll tell you about the moment my soul lit up when my Dad, in the ICU, heavily sedated and hours out of his second surgery made a joke. A joke. Such a relief to know he was still there.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but if you have to go through an experience like this; travelling out of town for a parent's medical situation? Take your teddy bear.

Take your teddy bear and whatever else you need to give you comfort.

I ended up scrunching up my bathrobe and holding it for the first few nights and wishing I'd brought my teddy bear.

So, ok. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore except to say that I'm home but I'm not really "here" if you know what I mean and that I hope whatever decompressing has to happen happens and well, yeah.

Hi, my name's Victoria and I don't know how to be right now.

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Dear Vancouver,

Y'all are some good looking people.

Yours,

Victoria

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

News

I'm in Vancouver and my Dad has come through his surgery.

That seems to be the important part, he's alive.

Not sure what else matters really... but to put it gently, it's been awful.

But we're all ok, and that'll have to be enough until we're all better than ok and then that'll have to be enough until we're all good. Or great.

So thank you so much for the thoughts and prayers and hugs and vibes you sent our way, they helped and worked and keep on sending them 'til we get him (and my Mom) safely home and happily healed.

I didn't think I'd have much brainpower for posting, so I had a few posts set to publish, but now I've run out of extra posts and very much don't have the brainpower.

So I'll be back when the brain has a moment and then I might disappear again, but I just wanted you not to worry, so... don't worry.

Hugs all round.

Love,
Me

Monday, 20 June 2011

Little Hell

Waiting by foundimagination
One of my exes and I had an extremely intense relationship.

It had some of the most amazingly intimate moments I've ever shared with another human being and while it may not have been healthy, it was an experience I'll never forget.

Two of the greatest gifts he gave me were two musical experiences I'd never heard of before he took me to their concerts the second summer we were together.

One was Xavier Rudd and the other was City and Colour. And this post is my way of saying thank you to him for introducing me to them.

Because right now, I'm falling in love with Dallas Green all over again.

All over again.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

A Chuckle

Things have been bumpy lately and so I've really appreciated and enjoyed these two websites for their ability to distract me and make me giggle, smile, and sometimes laugh right out loud. For reals.

The Oatmeal

Passive Agressive Notes

Hopefully they'll give you a smile or two too.

Friday, 17 June 2011

Responsibleness Sucks

Cat Glance by foundimagination
Drinking's no fun anymore now that I'm all grown up.

Well, no, that's not quite true, it's more that excessive, over the top drinking's no fun anymore now that I'm all grown up.

Nevermind that my body now takes much much longer to get over a hangover, I can handle that. I know when to drink water and not to go to sleep still tipsy, so it's not that.

It's that I can't just to out and have fun without consequences anymore.

Case in point, last weekend, C-Dawg and I went out for a fun evening and there was some imbibing involved. (Of pop of course Mom! Ahem.)

Later into the evening, we met up with her new boyfriend and one of his friends.

I already knew that this friend wasn't single, so there wasn't that potential there, but he was friendly and cute and he smelled just like one of my exes. And that, more than anything, stirred up some flirting in me.

But in the back of my mind was always that thought of "he has a girlfriend" and I found myself having to pull back at points where I knew I wouldn't be happy if I was his girlfriend and he was doing this or saying that.

Now, I've never been the kind of girl to go after a guy who's not single, but still. I felt like my grown up self wouldn't even let me have fun.

It's also no fun when you're in the middle of enjoying some slightly edgy conversation and the guy's friend pointedly says "so, is SHE coming out tonight?" Because, yeah, I already knew this wasn't going anywhere, I didn't need the reminder.

I wanted to flirt more, I did. Maybe I wanted to feel attractive and to know that someone out there liked me, or maybe it was just some wicked fun. Whatever the case, it's a bummer to be mature.

Thursday, 16 June 2011

I Love My Friends

My friends are great.

And none of them have quite given up on trying to find me a boyfriend.

It's just funny the conversations I've had from them lately.

S.2: "Ok, so what do you think about MMA fighting?"

Me: I really don't like it. A lot.

S.2: "So, you wouldn't want to date a guy who was an MMA fighter? I didn't think so, but my husband said that apart from that, he's a super nice guy."

Me: Nah, I'm good, thanks.




C-Dawg: "Man, I've got the perfect guy for you! Except, well, he lives in Vancouver right now. Damn."

Me: Make him move!



S: "Ok, my friend's brother has just moved to town and apparently he's a super sweet guy but just really shy and reserved. And, he maybe has never had a serious relationship before, so um...."

Me: Yeah, no, I'm good, thanks!




S.3*: "So, my husband works with this guy who's just getting divorced from his crazy ex wife. He's not really that attractive and he's kind of socially awkward at times, but he's a super nice guy, what do you think?"

Me: Thanks for thinking of me, but I'm good, thanks.


It's really very sweet of them. And I'm sure one of these times they'll find me a guy who is nice and sweet and friendly and local and un-violent and single. You go girls!





* I just realized I have a lot of girlfriends whose names start with S! Go me!

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Trying

Joy Division by <span class=
Another type of guy I thought I'd try dating again was maybe a guy in the military.

Again, I find myself questioning if my "deal-breakers" are actually keeping me from finding someone and so when a guy I'm messaging and finding really amusing admits that he's in the Navy, I sigh and tell myself I'll just see what might happen.

It's interesting though, as a side note, that I notice quite a few military guys won't put that as their job on their profiles. Instead, they're working "for the government", or in this case as an "Engineer".

Just so happens, it's as an engineer on a boat that leaves the country for six months at a time, but still.

So, long story short, as amusing as this guy is, he's a bit more of a partier than I want to go out with and while I may message him to come out with C-Dawg and I some time, I don't see him as a relationship potential.

Add to that the military thing and, well, it's not going to happen anyway.

I guess I'm just trying to make an attempt to be more open to seeing where a relationship might go instead of just not even starting in it because I can imagine what aspects of it I would not enjoy in the future.

But maybe that's naive and pointless. I'm pretty sure I want my husband to be in town all year long. I'm pretty sure I want my husband to be faithful and to work similar length of days that I do. I'm pretty sure I want a husband who is not exposed to co-workers who smoke and drink and party and cheat in higher percentages than most.

So if 95% of the women I talk to who are married to military guys, or firefighters, or carnies (I just threw that one in there I have no idea where that came from) tell me that this has been their experience, I don't want to go through that.

So maybe being more open with Navy guys isn't the same as being open to dating a guy who has a kid.

I don't know.

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Dumped

This is now the third time this has happened to me and, unfortunately, this time it hurt the most.

I usually don't tell you anything about guys I'm interested in or talking to through the online dating site until something significant has happened, or until it's long since done.

But you guys? I was really starting to be interested in this one guy.

I'd been sitting around with a couple of my girlfriends who are single Moms and we'd been talking about their experiences dating. I've dated a couple of guys with kids and both times I wasn't comfortable with it and neither time did we get to a point where it was serious enough that I met their children.

I think my fear about dating a man with a child comes from a combination of always having an ex in the picture and ending up being a parent-figure to a child that was not mine and was not my choice. Like, if I do have kids, and I'm not sure I'm brave enough for that, I'll have chosen to have kids with my husband and life partner. Choosing to be with someone who already has a child just ads an extra layer to a relationship I'm not sure I want to take on.

But my girlfriends, on our evening of wine and talking, convinced me that I should at least give guys with children a chance and I figured it was at least worth turning it from a hard "no" into a "I'm willing to see how it goes."

So I messaged a couple of guys who had kids.

Both, by the way, I found very attractive and both had funny, intelligent write ups.

One of them didn't turn into anything after he wanted me to call him after I'd specifically said I wasn't comfortable calling people I didn't know.

The other? I really started to like.

This guy was handsome. And my age. And funny.

Smart, witty, a good job.

We had some good emails back and forth and he'd asked me some questions I had to think seriously about before answering and I was waiting to hear back what he'd think. He'd sent me an email telling me a bit about his parenthood situation that had made me cry and I was scared but excited about getting to know this guy and meeting and the potential for something good to start.

My friends were excited. They encouraged me to go for it and to meet him and pointed out that it was time for something good to happen and maybe this was that good thing!

Now, I've been on this dating site for a while now and I've got pretty good instinct about things and I'd been lucky enough to "find" this guy the day after he signed up so the chances of him having already met someone were low.

But then he disappeared for a day.

And I know that doesn't seem like a big deal in real life, but it's an oddity on these sites, especially when you're hitting it off with someone; you just want to talk to each other.

I checked (pretty obsessively) for a day for his response and I didn't get one. I worried that something was wrong with his child. Then I noticed that (and this will sound weird to you non-internet daters) he had given a "gift" to someone on the site and my heart sunk.

See, I know guys. And I've been told time and time again that guys like to do the chasing.

Since I hide myself online and don't have a picture up, I tend to be the one who initiates first contact. To know that this guy had already sent a gift to someone online meant that he was genuinely interested in someone else. Someone who was not me.

And so I fought the disappointment all the rest of that evening because maybe I was wrong. Even though I knew I wasn't. I wanted to be wrong.

But somehow it was still a surprise to get the email from him the next day saying that he'd been on a date the night before (told you there was a reason for the absence) and that he didn't feel like he could continue our conversation but that he wished me luck.

I know, in reality, and in the big picture it's not a big deal but I can't tell you how much it hurt and how very very sad I felt.

I was genuinely excited about this guy, genuinely interested.

I was willing to push my comfort zones and see what potential we might have together.

I thought we would get along really well.

I'd started to have small imaginings about summer plans we might make together.

And I think, with everything else that's been going on with me it was just a blow to the gut I didn't need. Not at all.

I tried to joke it off a few times this weekend "Hey, I've been pre-dumped!", "Hey, I'm so lame, guys break up with me before they've even met me!", "Hey, know who's been texting me non-stop tonight? NO ONE!" but each joke I made just hurt me more. I'm hurt. Really hurt and sad. I don't know why I can't just admit that and be ok with it.

So, here's my chance I guess.

You guys? I was really hoping I'd met a great, good looking, funny, caring, genuine, intelligent man and that we would meet and get along really well and would start a relationship and I'm feeling really really sad that that didn't happen. And I'm also feeling hurt that he too, like everyone else, it seems, found someone he likes better. Better than me.

I'm sad and I'm sad enough that I wish I'd never gotten my hopes up in the first place. Hurts too much.

Monday, 13 June 2011

People

Smile by foundimagination
I find people-watching endlessly fascinating and a downtown event this weekend was a perfect place for me to just sit and observe and wonder.


Because I think, for me, that's what people watching is all about. I wonder what makes them tick. I want to know why they chose to wear that or get that tattoo or those piercings. I want to know why they're shouting at their kids or kissing that particular person.

I want to know what they're thinking and feeling and trying to say.

This weekend, there was something downtown called Jump Ship. It was an invitational dirt jump competition where they created a dirt bike (bicycle, not motor) course on a barge in our inner harbour. A very cool idea.

S and I (hi S!) went down on Saturday and wandered around. We watched the bikers (oooh, aaah!) took pictures and sat for a while and watched some more and the whole time I was fascinated by all the different people. Sure, each event draws a different type of crowd. Last week's Oak Bay Tea Party had a mellower, more sedate, probably more "mainstream" crowd, for whatever that means. Fewer tattoos, more shirts left on, more babies, more young children. This crowd had an electronica dance pit and no medium aged children, just ittle wittle babies (which was a weird sight) or teenagers.

There was also a portion of the afternoon where the naked bike ride went past and do you know what cracks me up most about that? Well, it's either how uncomfortable I imagine it would be to be sitting naked on a plastic bike seat on a hot, sunny, day, or it's the fact that I've now accidentally seen the naked bike ride three years in a row.

Just my luck, eh?

But I digress. The bike tricks were really cool to see and the crowd was fun and endlessly fascinating to watch.

It's the Sociology major in me maybe, but I love trying to figure out what makes people tick.

I really do.





P.S. I nearly forgot. My other people/sociological study this weekend came to me courtesy of C-Dawg. Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Fascinating. (And, yes, I know these shows aren't accurate or fair in their representation of an entire group of people, but I also love them for the choices the film crew and directors make and the stories they choose to tell.)

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Non

What? I'm not allowed to leave you with a cliff-hanger every now and then?

Well, actually, it's not all that interesting of a cliff-hanger, but still.

So I've been chatting with a few guys online of late and one of them seemed quite interested in meeting.

I told him the activities I'd be up to on the weekend and said that he'd be more than welcome to come along. He said he'd be happy to and I let him know where I'd be and when on Saturday morning.

I texted him in the morning to say hi and let him know I was still going and he said that was great and he'd text me when he was leaving home.

Which I thought was a little unusual as our meeting time wasn't too far off.

Then I didn't hear from him at our meeting time and for the next hour I still hadn't heard from him and then things got noisy so by the time I checked my phone again, I was already on my way to the next location.

I let him know that we'd have to meet either later or the next day to which he responded with

"Hm....well....maybe."

And my first thought was "well, that's not very mature" and my second thought was "OMG that's so totally how I'd react too!!!!"

So I apologized for any confusion and we've texted back and forth a couple of times since but I don't know if it'll go anywhere or if we'll actually meet.

I think, really, it was just us both being unclear on our plans and the details of when and where (usually I'm really specific: I'll be at this place at this time wearing this so you can identify me, and this time I didn't do that) and then both of us expecting something from the other, or assuming maybe...

I assumed he'd be there when I said I'd be there and I'm guessing he thought I'd be there all day, not just for a couple of hours.

So, at least I kind of had the plan for a date even if it didn't actually happen, right?

Right.

Friday, 10 June 2011

Teaser

King by foundimagination
My Dad's surgeon called and they're postponing his surgery by a week with the warning that it may, yet again, be postponed.

We were all pretty floored by this, even though they'd warned us it might happen.

I hadn't realized just how much I'd mentally prepared myself and to have the ground shift under our feet like that was very disorienting. I was pretty upset and shocked. And angry I guess, if I think about it.

I wanted to call them up and demand to know what on earth could be more important than my Dad. Didn't they know he was my Dad? And therefore their most important person to help and take care of?

A day or two later though my mind settled and I'm ok with the delay but hoping it doesn't happen again.

Nevermind the emotional toll, there's been a lot of planning and arranging and cancelling of things that had to take place and then re-take place with the postponement. I'm most worried about spy work and the possibility of having to re-schedule the now re-scheduled coverage I got for things.

But I'm supposed to just breathe and let things happen.

So, in other completely un-related news, I didn't have a date this weekend.

But I almost did.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Anyone Know?

I wonder, can birds get laryngitis?

The reason I'm asking is that when I got home from work yesterday there was a crow shrieking non-stop at a cat that was probably far too close to its nest.

I mean, this crow was caw-ing non stop for a good ten minutes and for how long before I got home?

It got me wondering, could that crow maybe have eventually lost its voice?

Seriously.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

The Light

Alert by foundimagination
What's your favourite thing about Spring?

Or, I suppose, Autumn for anyone who might be reading from Down Under.

I had a hard time picking between the light and the plants coming to life and the birds and things warming, but I think for me? It's the light.

It's here so much longer and the quality of it at certain points of the day is just delicious.

And there are dappled shadows on the sidewalks and, well, I just love it.

What do you love?

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Jumbled

I feel like there are so many little stories jumbled in my head right now that I can't shake things down enough in there to have one fall out.

And I know that when I walk away from the computer they'll all start clamoring for attention and will start writing themselves but then when I get back to the computer they'll have slipped away just out of reach like that one piece of paper that gets stuck behind your desk in such an awkward way that you can twist your face right up against the wall and jam your wrist into the space and still not quite be able to reach it.

I feel like I want to turn my head sideways and knock on the opposite side the way you do when you get water in your ear after swimming. Except this time, I want the stories to fall out, cuz I can feel them in there and they're almost as annoying.

Monday, 6 June 2011

Ahhhhhhhh!

Little by foundimagination
This weekend was delicious.

It was delicious and busy and tiring and relaxing and fun and wonderful and anxious-making all rolled into one.

There were a thousand and one things going on this weekend and I think I went to half of them.

Well, no, but exaggeration always makes me smile. Especially when I do it, so yeah.

There was something called the Oak Bay Tea Party this weekend which is nothing like it sounds and involved a fairground of rides and events and a parade of delightful local people and things and an airshow where I got to see parachuters and just how carefully they can land (ON A TARGET!) and where I got to try mini-donuts for the first time and have a purple Mr.Freeze and buy cotton candy and to top it all off it was gloriously amazingly sunny all weekend.

Oh, and did I mention that my hockey team won the second game of the Stanley Cup playoffs in overtime? And that I was too nervous to watch but could hear the roar as they scored throughout all of downtown?

Yeah. Awesome.

And this weekend also marked the official start of my summer because it was the first night I slept with only a sheet on, no comforter.

That's how you know it's become warm. Ta da!

So, yes, a very busy, exciting, sunny, relaxing, fun weekend.

Awesome.

Saturday, 4 June 2011

Click

I've recently contacted three guys on the online dating site who said in their profile they enjoyed photography.

I figured at the least we'd have something in common and could maybe spend some time together taking pictures and at the most we'd click.

And then I went to write this post about it and started laughing because a camera goes click too.

And then whatever deep thought I had about photo taking guys got lost in my chortles.

I hope we click.

Heh.

My brain makes me laugh.

Friday, 3 June 2011

Spin


I'm weirdly optimistic.

Or maybe I should say that I'm optimistic in a way that I'm not sure is helpful but I may as well stop fighting it because I've been like this for as long as I can remember and I don't think it's going to change now.

And maybe it's not a bad thing anyway. Maybe it doesn't have to change.

When someone starts to tell me about a guy my first gut, unchecked, before I even think about it thought is "ooooh, maybe he'll be my husband!"

As in "Hey, Victoria, there's a new guy starting work here next week."

"OOOh, hey! Maybe he'll be my husband!"

Or, "Hey, Victoria, you're getting a new neighbour in your building."

"Oooooooh! Maybe he'll be my husband!"

I don't know, I guess I'm just always excited at the prospect that my future best guy friend and future lover and future partner in life might be about to walk into my life and that I get to meet him.

I used to think that it was rather pathetic and desperate of me but now, like I said, I think I'm just going to stop fighting it and tell myself that it just means I'm an eternally hopeful optimist and that one of these times I'm going to turn out to be right.

Thursday, 2 June 2011

In Limbo

I feel like I'm a little bit in limbo.

I don't know about you but before I head away for a vacation my mind sort of starts thinking about packing and organizing and preparing things for the time I'll be gone.

I'm doing that right now both at work and at home in preparation for spending some time out of town for my Dad's surgery.

But it's weird because it's not like I'll be in a foreign country where I might not be able to buy my shampoo if I run out, or more underwear for that matter.

Plus, I'll only be a ferry ride or even a flight away from home, but still, it's still time away from home, it's just not a holiday.

There's also that feeling of not quite being able to plan for after the surgery, because what if it doesn't go well. Do I really want to commit to going to that party next month if my Dad hasn't made it through? Not really. So I'm kind of stuck between not wanting life to stop but also feeling like everything's on hold until it's better.

I had a good talk with my counsellor (read: session with my therapist) where I was surprised by how much it helped to talk through what I'd do if things didn't go well. Almost as if just talking about it made me worry less that it would happen.

Yet another reason I'd always recommend people get professional help when up against a difficult situation or time. It helps.

So as the surgery date sneaks closer and I try to organize things while wrapping my brain around what it all means and what being away for a week or more (or less?) means I feel like I'm in this weird middle ground limbo kind of thing.

I haven't even managed to explain it here, it's just... odd.

Uncertain.

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Literally


Everything's so green right now.

And I mean that literally.

There is so much green around.

Trees that were bare for months are now light green or dark green or somewhere in between green and the grass is green and it's so very Spring.

A lot of people have had a hard time this Spring because it's been a bit cooler than usual and perhaps a bit rainier, but for me, it's all about the length of the days and how much better a day is when there's light all the way through it.

Waking up in the mornings to a window that already has light makes getting up so much easier.

Heading home after a long day and still having hours and hours worth of light makes the days so much fuller.

Looking outside at 9:30 at night and seeing dimming sky makes me so happy.

I love the longer days. So much.

I love them so much I haven't noticed if it's rainier and I love them so much I don't mind that I haven't worn flip flops yet or that my jacket is still needed in the mornings.

Because the mornings are light!

And that makes me happy.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2016 and then some.) Kay? Kay.