Friday, 30 September 2011

Dreaming

I had a very vivid set of dreams a few months ago. Right before I met Chad, actually.

They were those kinds of dreams where you wake up with a sense that you were just told Something. And that it's a Something that you should listen to. Really.

In these dreams, I was leaning up against the most wonderful man. He was giving me a big, gentle hug and I felt so safe and comfortable and happy.

And, even though I couldn't tell what this guy looked like exactly, the *idea* of what he looked like translated into my brain as "he looks plain."

And the message I woke up with was something I can only translate as... "Stop going for looks. You will discover that a less good looking guy than you're used to pursuing is amazing and loving and kind and gentle and solid and he will be the best thing ever to happen to you."

But when I met Chad a week or so later, I ignored that strong feeling and went for the super cute, did I mention how cute he was? guy.

And that didn't work out.

But now I find myself wondering if maybe even Chad was a reinforcement of that message.

Sure, he was hot. And, absolutely, we got along super super well and he was funny and I loved his company. But did he make me feel safe, secure, supported, comfortable, cared for, etc.?

No.

And I want that.

Outside of a dream.

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Sad Trombone

Where Are You Going... by foundimagination
I always get disappointed when the dentist tells me I have a cavity.

Like yesterday.

It always makes me feel like I didn't do a good enough job of whatever it was I was supposed to do.

But I guess it also guiltily reminds me of those occasional times where I just kind of (excuse the pun...or not, if you think it's a good one) brushed it off.

I don't mean this post to be about my dental hygiene, because my dental hygiene is pretty good.

And I don't know enough about teeth and mouths (I really want to type "moutheses" because it seems like that should be the plural somehow...or maybe "mithes?"... oh man, I'm getting sidetracked, aren't I?) to know if some of us are more cavity prone due to whatever or if my candy intake is such that I'm more cavity prone.

But whatever the case, I'm always bummed when they tell me I have a cavity.

Not to mention, I don't look forward to the freezing.

Knowing that you can't just have a cavity and feel bad about it, but that you have to go in and get all that not so nice stuff done to "fix" it makes the bummed out feeling a gazillion times worse.

All this to say, I have a cavity, and I'm getting it filled this afternoon.

So I'm pouting.

The end.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Shrug

Well I haven't heard really from the latest date guy.

I mean, he sent me an email a couple of days after our date, but now I haven't heard from him in a week so, I'm figuring I won't hear from him again.

I guess I'm a little bummed because we got along well and I would have liked to have gone on another date.

I know that more often than not I don't hear back from a guy after a first online date, so I didn't get my hopes too too up, but I did think he'd ask for another date.

And I did think we had enough of a good, fun start to hang out again.

So I'm a little bit bummed, but also, kind of like... "well, this is just how it is online". Jaded... I suppose.

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Confession

Rise by foundimagination
OK, I have to tell you something about myself.

I've been wanting to tell you for a while, but I just haven't known how to do it.

So I'm just going to...buckle up (buckle down?) and say it.

Here goes.

I.

Don't like to jaywalk.

But. Almost only at controlled crossings. And I'm not even sure why.

If there's a light and a "cross the street" flashy walking guy/hand? I won't go when the guy's not telling me.

And there's a lot of people in town here who will. They'll look, and see that there's no traffic for miles and they'll cross, against the light, to get to the other side. (Insert chicken joke here.)

I? Just can't do it.

Doesn't mean I won't cross the street in the middle of a quiet side road neighbourhoody type area, but if there's a light? I won't jaywalk.

I probably won't even walk if the flashy hand is flashing.

I've always been like this, to the great amusement of my friends who will often leave me on the far side of the road as they dash across willy-nilly, ignoring "red hand" and the tail end of countdowns.

I just thought you should know.

I won't cross at a controlled intersection until I'm supposed to.

Now you know.

Monday, 26 September 2011

Habits

It's weird around my apartment right now.

I'm nearly totally packed (and have been well packed for most of the month) and am using just what I'll need for the next week or so.

But what's weird is that things aren't where they've been for...well, ever since I got there (which must be, what, five, six years ago now?)

So, for example, I'll look up to the clock to see what time it is, but the clock's not there. Or the coat hanger that usually sits in that corner has been put in the other room with the boxes so that corner looks empty.

It's a weird sort of lack of things that is odd to adjust to. Seeing things not quite right out of the corner of my eye wherever I am.

Plus, there's the ongoing thought that if I've got so much stuff packed and am not actually using it, and haven't used it for the better part of a month, why do I have it at all?

Like, how much of this stuff, conceivably, could I just never unpack and would never notice it was missing?

It's weird.

And because I'm not moving to a new place, but rather, moving to stay with my parents for a while, I can't quite just box everything up and be done with it.

I'll have to take stuff over to their place to live with while I'm there.

So it's kind of like four moves by the time I'm done.

Moving out of my place.

Moving into my parents'.

Moving out of my parents'.

Moving back into mine.

Knowing that at some point in the future I'll want to move again makes me shudder a little.

It's tiring and disconcerting packing up your life and seeing your stuff in boxes and knowing you're going to be unsettled for a while.

So, yeah, things are a little weird around my apartment right now.

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Question

False Horizon by foundimagination
Are there certain things you would confide to a boyfriend/girlfriend but not to your best friend?

Would that change if your boyfriend/girlfriend was your spouse?

Or maybe the reverse... are there certain things you'd talk about with your best friend but not with your significant other?

And does that change the longer you're together?

Friday, 23 September 2011

Nothing But

A lot of things changed for me at the time of my Dad's surgery. I became stronger in so many ways, and tougher in ways I maybe would rather not have.

Priorities and worries shifted and my sense of what mattered became clearer.

Some big picture things changed, and some small, seemingly meaningless things changed.

One thing that came out of it all is that I no longer particularly care about age when it comes to dating.

I used to have a real problem thinking of dating a guy who was, say, five years younger than me.

Now? Who cares?

If he's a good guy and we get along? I'm not going to care if someone says I'm too old for him.

Now, that's not to say I want to date the 58 year old guy who messaged me the other day, but I think I'm more comfortable with a spread of ages than I was before.

Why?

I don't know really. Except when you get right down to the things that really matter in life, age isn't one of them.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Just Me?

So Where Are You Going? by foundimagination
Sometimes I look at myself in my mirror and I think I'm ugly.

Sometimes I look at myself in my mirror and I think I'm ok.

And sometimes, I look at myself in my mirror and I think I'm hot.

I think it has something to do with my hair, and how clean it is, or maybe just my bangs. But that maybe only makes sense to me.

But it weirds me out that I'm always the same, physical person, but how I see myself changes, sometimes drastically and dramatically and I feel like it shouldn't.

So, I'm wondering, am I the only one who goes through this? Or do we all see ourselves as hot/attractive one day and less so another day?

Or are there any of you out there who genuinely think you're good looking all the time? And if so, where'd you get your confidence?

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Lists

When we got told that everyone in our building had to move out, to help quell (no, I don't really know why that word decided it wanted to be used, but I'm just going to let it have its way) the panic, I started making lists.

And because once the idea of having to move started to freak me out, everything started to freak me out and so everything went on my list.

Everything from "write blog post" or "take green shirt to be cleaned" to "pack kitchen" and "call phone company."

Also on that list was, "Go on date with guys W, X, Y, and Z."

Because I wanted to go on a date with them, and I wanted to do it before I was living with my parents (makes it a little more awkward, no?) and the idea of having to go on these dates was freaking me out.

An amplified freakout, perhaps, but a freakout nonetheless.

So while I didn't hear from Y, I did, in fact go on a date with W, X, and Z and I'm glad I was brave enough to do so, when I could very easily have used the excuse of "my life is too busy with the move and packing." But it also amused me quite a bit, every time I looked on my to do list and "Go on a date with X" , "Go on a date with Y" was on there.

So it helped me calm down, and it gave me the focus to make sure I went on a date with them, and then I got the feeling of accomplishment (read: relief) when I was able to cross that off my to-do list.

I've always been a list writer. When I start to worry or stress or feel overwhelmed, I write a list and seeing it laid out like that makes me feel better.

In fact, I'm happy to say that the closer I get to my move out day, the shorter my list has become.

Still kind of freaking out about it all though.

I think that's just par for the course.

So, yeah, I had me some dates.

And then I crossed that off my to-do list.

Phew.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Better

Local Colour by foundimagination
I had another date this weekend.

Not a repeat, but another new guy. (I know, right?)

After my last couple of "meh" dates, I wasn't expecting much but still had that frustrating nervous thing going on. We'd been messaging each other for a couple of weeks and he seemed nice so we decided to meet and go for a walk to the beach. (It's totally my comfort zone date, especially in nice weather.)

I liked him.

We got along and he was nice and we had a lot to talk about. It was, I think, the longest first date I've been on through the online thing. Usually I only last about an hour and a half before I'm tired and ready to go home.

I think we sat there talking about whatever for close to three hours and we probably would have kept going if it hadn't started getting chilly.

So it was good. Much better than my last two dates in terms of attraction and chemistry.

I'd like to see him again.

But I'm being cautious and not getting all...whatever about it, because you never know. Of all the guys I've gone on a date with from online, Chad's the only one where we dated more than once. (Ok, well, technically there was that guy who asked me out again a month later after he stopped seeing the girl he "chose" over me.) So I guess I'm used to not expecting to hear from the guy again because it seems to be easier for them to do that online.... or something.

But anyway, this isn't a wah wah post (like yesterday, whoops!) just... I went on a date, it was good, I'd like to go on another.

(And I'm trying not to get too excited, but of course we all know I am, but still.)

Monday, 19 September 2011

Pout

I have a case of the Mondays.

And this post is a grumpy one.

And if you tell me it shouldn't be, I'm going to cross my arms and make a frowny face and give you a mean look a la three year old.

Try me.

*glares*

I just wish that the weekend could last all week and I feel like having a tantrum about it because it's so. not. fair.

And why does it have to be getting dark at 7? And why isn't it light early in the morning anymore?

And why do I have to move when I just want to mellow out at my place?

And why won't anyone pay me not to work or pay me to do work that is more like not working?

Whine, whine, whine, moan, moan, moan, grump.

Boo!

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Fen

Morning by foundimagination
Do you guys remember Fen?

I guess I never really followed through on telling you what happened with him, but it's been on my mind and I guess now's the mental time.

I just re-read this while I was thinking about writing this post and it broke my heart all over again.

Back in Spring, I got in email contact with Fen and after he returned from his time away, I sent him a link to the post I'd written about him.

He thanked me and said it had been great re-living those old times and some of the things he'd forgotten about. He said that we should catch up by phone or Skype and I gave him my numbers and told him I felt...awkward, like I wouldn't know what to say.

I think I thought for a while that we'd arrange to get together and that things would be amazing and we'd figure out how to make the distance thing work and then time passed and life went on and while I'll never close my heart or life to him, I think I was ok with feeling like there was some sort of closure.

I haven't heard from him and I guess that means our lives aren't meant to be together.

I do hope that if he ever travels over this way he'll contact me and we can meet and see each other and just... be.

So I guess I just wanted you to know that I didn't really have anything to add to the story. I heard from him and then I didn't and while my dreams and imagination would tell things differently, this is where things are.

I love him, I miss him, and I wish things were perfect.

Friday, 16 September 2011

It's OK

One of the other guys I was talking to and I exchanged cell phone numbers and he was going to text me a couple of weekends ago to meet.

And then he was going to text me last weekend to meet.

And then he was going to text me this weekend to meet.

I'm not terribly offended or anything that he hasn't texted to meet, as I said, I wasn't totally into meeting any of the guys I was talking to.

But add on to that this funny little story, and it's maybe best that we don't meet.

I went out for sushi with my Mom last week and she told me about how she and my Dad went out for dinner with their friends and met a new couple, friends of the friends kind of thing.

She went on to tell me that this nice lady told her that her son had just started on an online dating site and so my Mom told me to watch out for a fellow who did Job X on the site.

Er... Job X? I said. Could this fellow possibly have dark hair?

Well, yes, his Dad did.

Um, did this fellow also have an older brother and a nephew?

Yes, I think the nice lady told me about a grandson.

Ok, Mom, come to the computer here. *I bring up the website* Could this be that couple's son?

Oooh, he does kind of look like his Dad!

So, it's probably for the best that this guy and I don't end up meeting because it would be really weird to have to say... so... guess what, my Mom really likes your Mom!

Awkward!

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Frustrating

The Gloaming by foundimagination
Sometimes my desire to get into, or back into, a relationship I know will be self-destructive sneaks up on me.

Like right now.

Right now, I'm fighting the urge to contact Chad (because although I deleted him from my contacts, there is a draft text to him that will not not NOT delete from my phone....so I still have his number. I'm just ignoring it. And buying a new phone.) I want to contact him and make things work even though I can see where things weren't good and how things weren't good enough.

But even more than that, since seeing DD on the online site, I want to contact him and throw myself back into what I *know* would be a continuation of the unhealthy relationship we had.

I don't know what it is, but that something in me wants the pain and the darkness that was part and parcel of the intense connection we had and the good moments we shared.

And obviously, something in me hasn't moved on from him and what we had, even though the rest of me has and is very glad to have done so.

I'm not worried that I'll contact him, not really, but it's been somewhere between odd and interesting to watch myself wanting to dive into something I know isn't good.

Maybe this is my own personal version of the "bad boy" thing people are always talking about. It's not that I want to fix him, more like I want an excuse to be miserable. Maybe I want a focus for the anger and hurt seeing him has stirred up.

I hate that I may not have gotten over him.

I wish he'd moved away. I wish he didn't live here anymore.

Argh.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Allllrighty

So I went on another date.

Not with the guy I went on that last date with, but with another one.

We'd somehow gotten to chatting about breakfast and were talking online this weekend and he said, well, would you like to go for a late breakfast? So I figured at the worst I could have me some bacon, and I said yes.

I think he was maybe a little nervous, but aren't we all on these things? And he talked about his work which was interesting and it was fine.

Not bad, not great, kind of like the other date. I'm not really attracted to this guy either and I feel bad.

He was heading out of town that same day but he emailed me to say he'd enjoyed meeting me and would like to do it again.

I don't want to feel like I'm leading this guy on by seeing him again and I'm not sure seeing him again would change how I feel about him.

So now I've had two dates with two guys and both were fine and nice enough guys but I just didn't see myself wanting to kiss them.

Or maybe it's just that we didn't click.

But I feel bad and a little disappointed.

But I suppose I should, once again, be proud of myself for doing it and getting out there and meeting these guys when it's not exactly in my comfort zone, and is certainly not something I would have dreamed of doing when I first started this blog.

So at least we know I'm changing for the better, right?

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Small Talk

Charles H Scott by foundimagination
Summer decided to show up last week, and I know a lot of North America already had a scorcher, this is the first time I've felt warm. Well, no, "warm" is not right; this is the first time I've been uncomfortable in the heat.

I think it's the hottest I ever remember being at work (our bat cave is usually quite bat-like and cold) and the time I spent outside this week and weekend, I couldn't find an outfit that didn't have me sweating.

Saturday night was the first time since last year I slept with just a sheet and my bedroom door open in hopes it'd make some sort of a breeze.

C-Dawg and I went for a run after work last week and we knew better than to run in the full sun, even though it was evening. But still, two rounds of the trail in the shade and we had to stop. I was legitimately over-heated. As in, you could put your hand next to my face and feel the heat hot.

Cold showers have been taken, and not for sexual reasons. (I wish for sexual reasons!) But just to cool down.

September's usually hot around here, it's true, I just thought it was interesting that this is the hottest it's been all summer...days before it officially ends.

I'm not complaining, I know it won't last and I'm loving the bright sunshine and the long(ish) days, it's just interesting that it took us until now to get real summer weather.

Monday, 12 September 2011

Big Loud Swear Word

I am pretty close to rantingly angry right now. I'm guessing that by the time this is posted, I won't be, but as of right now? This writing? I be mad.

I've known for a while now that my ex DD is on the dating site I frequent.

Now, at a certain point, the panic of seeing him on the site was nearly enough for me to delete my entire profile and not return, but then I got over it and never came across him again.

Until right now. When I get a message saying that "this guy would like to meet you" and I click on the link and it's him.

And I know I purposely chose a photo where you wouldn't necessarily know it's me at first glance, but seriously, you don't recognize me?

But that's not the part that has me fumingly mad.

(I mean, obviously my anger comes from whatever unfinished issues my brain/heart/who knows what has with him and our breakup but... anyway)

I looked over his profile and there are a couple of things that have me mad and wanting to be really really really mean.

"I'm an excellent lover"

Ok. I'm not saying he was bad, let's be fair, but buddy never seemed to care and/or notice that I wasn't having as good of a time as I could. So to say you're an excellent lover? Unless things have changed significantly over the past few years? Isn't true.

Plus it's seriously arrogant and I'm kind of pissed that I went out with a guy who'd openly make this statement (even as a joke) online.

"I do not use drugs."

Yes you effing do.

Again, unless things have changed in the past few years and you have become a very different person, you are not only not a "social" drinker, but you are very much a drug user.

Because marijuana counts as a drug.

And you used it regularly.

Without my knowledge at first, sure, but you can not say you are not a drug user because you are the biggest drug user I have ever known and your friends (as lovely as they may have been) not only used it but grew it.

So I don't know what makes me angrier. The fact that you won't seem to disappear from my life, or the inaccuracies/blatant lies you've put in your profile.

Because, yes, you are "charming" and I know you'll charm your way into someone else's pants/heart, I just wish you were more honest with yourself and your future girlfriend about what you do behind closed doors.

And I wish you'd admit to yourself that you have a problem.

And I hope that this anger and frustration I feel right now will go the bleep away, just like I'd like you to.

Saturday, 10 September 2011

Liar, Liar, Pants On Fire

Tandem by foundimagination
I went for a walk last weekend with a friend of mine who's also on the online dating sites.

And he was telling me about his friend's experience meeting a guy who lied on his profile and said he was six years younger than he actually is.

My friend told me that he knows everyone lies about themselves online but that six years was too big of a lie.

Wait, I said, I don't lie about myself on my profile. I mean, what's the point in me saying I'm older or younger or taller or shorter than I actually am? I am this age, this weight, this height and if that's a problem for you, jog on (as they say on Geordie Shore, which I am so totally not admitting to watching but if you want really really really good bad tv? That's it right there.)

Well, yeah, he says, everyone does. Like, take me for instance. I put that I love to play sports, but the last time I picked up a tennis racket was probably a year ago. And I put that I like to go camping, but I don't own any camping gear anymore.

Hmmm, I said. I guess if you call that lying, then yes, maybe we all do it but I don't see it quite the same way.

I mean, it's true that you like camping, you just haven't actually gone in a while, does that make it a lie, or does that make it you talking about what you like to do?

Is it putting your best self forward or is it fabricating a version of yourself that doesn't actually exist?

I don't know, I think some things are pretty obvious lies. Your age, your marital status, the amount you drink/smoke/do drugs.

But I'm not sure if talking about your interests even if you're not actively involved in them 24/7 means you're lying.

So far, I guess I've been lucky in that I haven't had to deal with someone having lied to me that I met online. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I met a guy and he confessed to me that he was six years older than his profile suggested.

I'm not sure I'd be comfortable trusting him from that point on. And I'd wonder why he felt the need to adjust his age so significantly. (For the curious, this guy apparently said he'd changed his age because he was getting "too many" messages from women who were "too old". Hmmmmm...)

I guess people can lie to each other outside of the online dating world, but I wonder if it's more common in an arena where you can, essentially, be whoever you want, because there's no friend of a friend introducing you and vouching for you.

Friday, 9 September 2011

Discovery

Do you know what's a real turn off for me?

A guy who's into MMA or UFC or anything like that.

I can't even watch an ad for that kind of thing, it makes me sick to my stomach.

The absolute violence of them horrifies me, and I don't know if I could be with someone who enjoyed watching grown men beat each other bloody.

I realized this the other day when a guy I'd been talking to online, seemingly out of the blue asked me if I was a fan.

And my answer was no.

My truthful answer is what you see above, but I didn't feel the need to let him know just how much I'm not a fan.

He told me that he enjoyed it as a sport, but wasn't a violent person and didn't like to fight, and we chatted a bit after that but that was kind of the end of it.

It was a real turnoff for me and either he sensed that or he was looking for a girl who was more into the same things than I was.

What about you, what's an unexpected turnoff you've discovered in your dating adventures?


Thursday, 8 September 2011

Things I'd Forgotten

Wise Eyes by foundimagination
One of the things I wanted to talk about when I was dating Chad, was how...nervous I was about the physical things.

We'd both established that we didn't want to get too physically intimate too early, but that wasn't even my concern. I was worried about the simple stuff.

Like, how do you kiss someone????

I mean, I *know* how to kiss someone, and I know it's not something I have to, like, practice on my hand or anything, it's not that. It's just that at about our third date, I realized I didn't know how to get to a first kiss.

Usually by that point in a new relationship, I would have done more than that and it probably would have involved a glass of something or other and things just would have happened.

But Chad and I were just hanging out and being very careful with each other and I couldn't figure out how we'd ever get from there to kissing.

I think, had things progressed, it would have just happened; we were sitting touching each other and holding hands on our last date. But it was the weirdest moment, lying there one night after a date and thinking "damn, I don't know how to know when to lean in or forward or any of that stuff."

In retrospect, maybe that was a sign that he was holding back, the fact that we hadn't already had that moment, or maybe that's just what it's like when you're taking things slow. I'm not sure.

But on top of that, there was the whole "what if my breath smells?" fear and the "what if I'm just a stinky person in general and I can't tell anymore?" train of thought that I'd forgotten comes with the whole kissing thing.

Or, the I wish we were kissing thing, as I guess the case was here.

I guess I'll just have to see how it all works out next time.

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

What I Did

When things went off with Chad and I, I kind of had that feeling that they weren't going to go back to where they'd been. And because I didn't want all my eggs in what was looking like a faulty basket, during the week he wasn't speaking to me, I went back on line and "un-hid" my profile.

My thinking was that if things went well, I would just re-hide my profile but if things didn't go well, at least I wouldn't feel like no one wanted to talk to me.

At first it was a little disheartening because sometimes you're on these sites and it seems like there's nothing. Or, to put it politely, no one you're interested in getting to know.

I got a little un-nerved by the sixty five year old man who added me to his favourites list, but I just removed myself from his list and moved on.

When Chad ended things, I got back on the metaphorical horse that very evening and sent a couple of messages to some new guys.

I think I really wanted to prove to myself that there was going to be someone again in the near future who WOULD want to be with me and I think I wanted to lessen the blow and the thoughts of "I'm not pretty/attractive/good/nice" enough.

I'm not sure it was the wisest thing, but I ended up going on a date that same weekend.

Well, I call these things "dates" but they're really just a blind-meeting-a-complete-stranger moment.

The guy was nice enough and I wish I had a single girlfriend I could set him up with, but I just wasn't interested.

I don't know if it was him or me just not feeling it or if it was me comparing him to the connection I had with Chad, but I didn't particularly want to see him again once we were finished our time together.

I'm not someone who thrives in these kinds of situations. I know for some people the whole experience of meeting a new person and talking to them and getting to know them is a really fun adventure. And for me, it's just something that I find tiring and something that I get nervous about and something I don't love doing.

Except meeting Chad for the first time was none of these things.

When I was finished meeting Chad, I felt giddy. Energized. I couldn't sleep.

The time had flown by and had been effortless and fun.

And, let's be honest, I was attracted to him. He was very attractive.

So I don't know what to do about meeting someone right now.

I've got three other guys I'm talking to and they'd all like to meet and I feel like I *should*, but I don't know if I want to. I'm not sure I find any of them attractive enough to be excited about, and our conversations have been nice via the messages we've sent back and forth but... they're all just missing that... something.

But, yeah, I did go on a date and I guess that's a good thing. I guess it's making it less scary the more I do it, right?

Sigh.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

A Babbling

Midday by foundimagination
I struggled a bit this weekend with not wanting to get out there and enjoy what's left of the summer and I struggled with what can only be described as a foul mood.

Getting so close to having a relationship and then losing it is bringing me down.

It's not even about Chad himself anymore, but it's about the idea of him and the idea of what we might have had and it's about how great we got along.

I'm pretty wound up right now. Packing my place seems like it's never ending and people have already moved out of the building and I feel like maybe I'm doing it wrong. I don't know why, except that I've made the choice to use a moving company and I haven't seen anyone else doing that and it makes me feel like a wimp or something.

I just don't want to be that person who calls up their guy friends and says "hey, beer and pizza if you do all the work for me!" because I can't lift things. Even packing has messed with my back. So I want pros to do it for me and I guess I feel weird about that because... well, because I've never done it before.

And there's something weird about being surrounded by boxes of your things. And there's something even weirder about living with just the bare minimum and wondering just how many of those things you really don't need. And knowing that I'll be putting things into storage and then moving all over again is weird.

And then there's the sick that's trying to take over. I know my body gets run down under stress, so there's that. And then there's the dust. I swear, boxes make dust. And when my place feels like a disaster zone, I don't feel like sweeping or dusting, but dust makes me sick, and so I know I should keep things clean but.. it's like I can't be bothered.

So it feels like nothing's solid and that I don't know when things will be solid again. I don't have a move date yet and I don't know when I'll be moving back in and my brain doesn't work well with gray areas and unknowns and uncertainties so everything just feels... yuck.

And there are a lot of things that I want to ask my Dad to do. Dad, come over and help me move my tv. Dad, can you show me how to take my bed apart? Dad, can you figure out if this couch will fit through that door? But I can't ask him, can't ask him to do those kinds of things anymore. So I'm not really sure who to lean on here.

And everything with Chad this past month threw me off my exercise schedule. And I can tell. I haven't run in weeks and I haven't been to the gym probably since the day we met. And that's frustrating, but I'm also in that grumpy, lazy, busy mode that's hard to break out of.

It feels like so many changes have been forced upon me and I wish things with Chad had been perfect and good because it would have been so, so nice to have that distraction to look forward to. And maybe I could ask him to do some of those things I'd usually ask my Dad to do.

I feel like I need a rest. A vacation getaway, but it's also just the start of the changes and potential stresses to come. Add on to that the days getting shorter and me not taking care of myself and eating poorly and it's no surprise that I ended up less than happy this weekend.

I hope once a few more things fall into place or get taken care of (you should see my current to-do list) and I have less to worry about (utilities to cancel, moving company to book, packing to complete, not to mention the things I can't pack until the day I leave and then all the things I can't pack at all but still have to transport to my parents' place. ARGH!) I'll start feeling better and calmer.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore, but there you go.

I'm struggling with what's going on and I'm wishing I had a happy relationship to keep me entertained through the struggles.

Friday, 2 September 2011

Bone To Pick

Dear September,

I have a bone to pick with you.

I know yesterday was your first day and everything, but did you have to make such a statement? I mean, the fog? The cold? The rain?

September, I had to put on a sweater! And have tea! Under a blanket!

And while we're on it, why are you making it darker earlier? That's hardly fair.

How about this? You can pick one.

You can either have colder weather OR earlier evenings. Not both.

Sound fair?

Cool.

So, yeah, how about you just lighten up on the whole "I am a bringer of Fall" thing, kay?

Kay.

Thanks,
Victoria (Who is heading out of town for the long weekend, see youse soon!)

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Too! Many! Things!

I've Been Framed! by foundimagination
Too many things.

On my mind in my brain needing to be done, sorted, thought through, completed.

It all just got really jumbled in there last night and I think that's maybe my fault for over booking myself for the day, but at the time it seemed like a good idea; get all the errands done at once. Get the hair cut and the massage and the doctor's appointment all in one day.

Perhaps adding the other three things in there wasn't the best of plans.

Because now there are too many things.

Too many things and it all feels panicky and I need to breathe but it's a long weekend coming up, and the only long weekend for... like, ever, so I feel like I should stuff even more things into the next few days but I also think my brain's already rather exploded and this hasn't helped and maybe I should just... chill.

Like, a lot.

Sorry. This post is non-nonsensical.

Is that even a word?

Too many things.

Also, I'm having issues with the whole Septemberness of things.

As in... what?
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2016 and then some.) Kay? Kay.