Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Enough

Didn't manage to make it over to my place to unpack yesterday.

Just had enough in me to get to work, get through work and head back to my parents'.

Oh, and go to physio and exercise rehab.

Yeah, forgot to tell you about that.

Too tired to explain now though.

Just need to get through today too and see how I feel.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Rough

Remembrance by foundimagination
OK, yesterday was me putting on a brave face. I'm having a rough time with this move.

I was told that things would be ready for me to move in last week, so I moved this weekend. And things weren't ready.

Things weren't ready even the morning of my move, and then the storage company hadn't dropped off my items and I hadn't wanted to do things that way but that's how it all happened and all of a sudden I was making calls to try to arrange things someone else should have taken care of.

When the movers showed up, there were still two tradesmen working on my place, the third just having finished the kitchen. So all I could do was have the movers just kind of pile everything into the middle of one room, or the corner of another. And when that was done, I just went back to Mom and Dad's and called it a day.

Sunday, I went back to try to attack things and spent an hour and a half putting together my bed.

It's not a bed that should be put together by one person.

But I didn't have any choice.

And then I tried to dust. Which was probably a mistake. In retrospect, I should have vacuumed instead of dusting. There was drywall dust and kitchen cabinet sawdust and even though the place had been "cleaned", it was awful, and my dusting just got it all over everything.

Everywhere.

Then I tried to move the furniture closer to where it would end up and then I bashed my head against a new cabinet and had to sit on hold to try to fix my internet and discovered a bunch of things still not fixed/finished and it all just became too much and I went back to my parents' place and broke down.

I don't have anyone to help me with this.

My parents have offered to help, of course they have, but I don't want them to. They shouldn't have to, they should just focus on their health and my Dad's continuing recovery.

And I didn't feel like I could call up my friends last minute and ask them to come help me move things or unpack and I didn't know who'd be able to help anyway. My friends are pregnant, or already parents of young kids, or busy with their own life crises and so I'm having to do all this very much on my own. Which gets tiring quickly.

So my home is not my home and while I'm lucky lucky lucky to have my parents' place to retreat to, I don't know how I'm going to get things settled and fixed and ok.

I'm having a rough time right now and I'm exhausted and sore to top it all off.

Send me some hugs/love would you?

Monday, 28 November 2011

Survived

Survived the move.

Am SO grateful I had Mom and Dad's to come back home to Saturday night to rest, eat and sleep.

Am not quite home yet as there are still a few things missing (like blinds) so I'm going to slowly unpack over the next week or so and sleep at Mom and Dad's until things are perfect and ready to go.

The whole thing was, has been, and is exhausting and continues to be stressful and I've had a good couple of cries.

So although I'm happy to have my stuff out of storage and back in my place, there's still a lot to do and tidy and unpack before I'm going to call it home.

So I've moved...but not quite.

Sort of.

How *you* doin' ?

Saturday, 26 November 2011

Allllllrighty

No Control by foundimagination
Today's my big move
I'm as stressed as can be
Seems I'm writing a poem
Does that make me crazy?

I wish I could skip
Til the end of next week
Then I'd be all moved in
And my life would be chic.

But they say you can't do that
There's no time machine
But it could be they're lying
They tend to be mean.

So let's hope things just happen
Between now and then
Guess I'll hope for the best.
See me being all Zen?

Friday, 25 November 2011

And, We're Breathing

Ok.

So the move has been booked, the utilities are all being turned back on today, and I'm actually feeling excited about moving back in.

And, because this is how life works, I'm also feeling sad about leaving Mom and Dad's.

Sure, there was an adjustment period and there are things about living here that added stress, but there was also good stuff. A lot of it.

There were second breakfasts on Sundays and lots and lots of home cooked meals. There were giggles and silly things and just general companionship.

A mixed blessing, I think is what they call a situation like this. I'm glad to be going home, but I'm sad to be leaving.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

And Desert You

I spent nearly three hours on hold yesterday with various utility companies getting my services turned back on at my apartment.

By the time I got to the last company, I was near the end of my patience rope, having been accidentally put back to the beginning of the twenty minute hold line just after being connected, yes, after twenty minutes, I was resigned to being on hold once again.

So imagine my glee when I realized that this was the song I was hearing on hold...



Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up

There was a moment when I wondered if it was all one giant Rick Roll and the company was secretly laughing at me, but I figured that wouldn't be in their best interest, so I just sung along.

Back in the day, this was one of my most favouritest songs and I loved to sing along and dance to it and one day wished that someone just as dreamy as Mr Rick Astley would sing these very words to me.

Dreamy sigh.

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Yay?

So it's all happening very quickly, but the reno people said they'd try to have us in by the end of the month and I called them to check and, well, looks like I may be able to move home this weekend.

Yay!

Except not.

Because I'm me, and me worries and stresses over the details of these things.

So I've got people to call and things to book and it's all suddenly worries in my brain.

I can't even be excited yet about the idea of being home because I'm thinking about all the little details I have to sort out in the next few days.

Argh!

Mustremembertobreatheandrelaxyeahrightasif.

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

No Spoilers

Beyond-ness by foundimagination
So Book Three.

I'm reading it.

Ok, technically I'm just a few pages away from having read it, but still.

And one of my favourite things about this series is that no one has ruined it for me. When I go to buy the books, or when someone sees I'm reading them they don't say anything other than "Are you enjoying them? Aren't they great?" or something along those lines.

Occasionally, someone will say "Just wait!" and since I've already seen the first tv season and read the first book, I know that Mr Martin isn't afraid of twists that aren't necessarily expected and I wonder what it is that person is telling me to wait and read.

But, I didn't expect, mid-way through book three, to find myself swearing and throwing the book down.

Because (for those who've read it, you'll know what I mean) COME ON!

I can't believe I swore at a book. Or maybe, I can't believe a book made me swear.

Monday, 21 November 2011

Curve, Learned

When I wrote this post, I was reminding myself not to get too excited about the guy I'd been talking to (and thought was quite cute) because things don't always go the way you want online.

Which it hasn't, because I haven't heard from that guy in a week or so now.

Which usually means they're not interested anymore or have moved on or found someone else or whatever. It means they're done with you.

The why hardly matters.

I guess I'm nearer the top of the online dating learning curve or something because I can almost see it coming even before it happens.

And that guy and I won't be having a first date/meeting, so I don't have to worry about it being weird.

The end.

Saturday, 19 November 2011

Effort

Hatter, Mad by foundimagination
It's so hard (for me) to not give advice.

Maybe it's the same for everyone, but for me it's something I'm working on. Not giving advice.

Ironic, perhaps, given the name of my blog, but I'm talking about the un-asked for kind of advice.

I don't mean when people directly say to me, Victoria? What do you think I should do? Because I do get that, and I like trying to help or give my perspective, and certainly with this blog, my hope is that by sharing my story, or my advice, someone's day, week, month will get a little better, or a little easier.

What I mean is when my friends are talking to me. Or when a co-worker or family member is telling me about something and I want to tell them what I think/know/believe.

I had a friend recently talk to me about a decision she and her husband were considering. I listened, and then I went home and did some research. I researched and talked to some experts and found out that option X was the best choice in their situation. And when I saw the friend again, she was happy to let me know that she and her husband had decided to go with option Y.

And that was the moment I realized, she hadn't been asking me for advice. She hadn't even been asking for my opinion. She just wanted to talk about what they were trying to figure out.

And all she needed me to be was a sounding board; a listener.

It's hard sometimes though, when you're listening to someone and you feel like you know something that might help. Or that you feel like what they're doing might be made easier if they tried it this way or that way.

And it's hard when a friend's going through something really hard and you're on the outside looking in and it feels like you can see it more clearly than they can. It's hard in those moments not to tell them what to do.

But I'm trying to remember that it's not my place to tell them that...unless they ask.

Unless people say "give me advice", "what do you think I should do?", etc.? They're not asking for my advice. They just want someone to listen.

So I'm making the effort to do that.

To listen and not give advice, unless it's asked for.

It's hard though, and it sometimes makes me feel kind of useless.

Friday, 18 November 2011

My Excellent Train Of Thought Got Derailed

I was out for a walk yesterday and I had the clearest statement in my head about why the blind date/online date meetup/meeting a stranger thing doesn't work for me.

But, of course, now that I'm sitting down to try to write it out, I can't remember what I had to say.

Because I know I've said before how it's not my thing and how it doesn't work with my personality, but yesterday I figured out how to put it so it made sense.

It was something along the lines of how a blind date/meeting type situation takes me out of my comfort zone/element and how therefore I won't be myself.

I was thinking, in part of my brilliant thought, that if I could just tell these guys to come meet me at my work, things might be different.

Except, of course, you can't invite people to come meet you when you're a spy. I mean, then they'd be a witness to you stealing the Hope Diamond and then you'd have to wipe their memory or send them to the witness protection program and these things aren't conducive to a second date.

I was lucky with Chad because even though it was a raw meeting, a blind meetup for sure, I was already out doing my thing and it just so happened we met up and I didn't have time to think about it.

My previous relationships have all started with me in a social situation and the guy being there and us hitting it off and deciding we wanted to see each other again.

Somehow, this doesn't happen for me in this online meeting situation.

Maybe it's because it's just the two of us and so there's too much focus. Maybe it's because we don't have that other "thing", the social gathering to talk about. Maybe it's because when you meet at a party, you don't really spend the next two hours together, uninterrupted just... talking.

At a party, or a friend's house, or whatever, you're there and you're hanging with your friends/buddies/co-workers and you chat with this guy and you like chatting with each other and then maybe you go off to pee or get another drink or tell your girlfriend how you just met this cute guy and then you come back and talk to each other again and it just... works.

Now I know those who have met their partner through online sites will tell me that for them it "just worked." But for me, other than Chad, it hasn't happened that way yet.

Maybe it will. Maybe if the right guy and I meet on a blind date/online meetup/whatever it is it will just work and be fine.

But I'm not completely sure about that.

And I had a really clear thought yesterday as to why.

I just wish I could remember what it was.

("Blind dates? Weird for me." is the note I left myself. It's not really helping. But there you go.)

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Introspective

Photo Op by foundimagination
There's another potential guy who messaged me.

(Ok, I just re-read that and I'm finding it funny. He's a guy, not a potential guy. He has the potential to be a guy I want to date. Um, I think I'm the only one who's finding this funny, let's move on.)

Anyhow, this guy messaged me and he seems attractive, and I like what he has to say in his profile.

What's frustrating me about myself is that I'm already fighting old habits and patterns. I already care too much if I've heard from him or not or where it might go or not go or the whole high-school-I'm-going-to-write-our-names-in-a-heart baloney type stuff.

I *know* better than this and yet it's hard not to fall into that habit.

But I'm trying, I am.

I'm aware, which is at least half the battle, and I'm trying and reminding myself that it's ok to not be perfect and that this too is a learning curve. Just like, apparently, every (damn) other thing in life.

So while I'm excited about this guy's potential (not "this potential guy" heh, heh, heh) to be someone I might want to date, I'm doing my very best to *not* be excited about this guy's potential to be someone I might want to date.

Right now, he's just another guy I'm talking to on an online dating site. Doesn't mean anything other than he read my profile, thought I was interesting/attractive enough to say hi to.

Doesn't mean anything more than that.

Breathe, Victoria, breathe.

(Ok, great, now not only am I the only one laughing? I'm talking to myself. I'm going loopy y'all.)

Man... it's hard trying to change your old patterns and habits.

Seriously.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Awkward / Honest

A fellow sent me a message on the online dating site the other day and in his message he wished me well whether or not I was interested or responded.

I got back to him to thank him and he asked me an awkward but honest question.

Did I find him attractive enough to pursue things?

There's part of me that appreciates his honesty and his being direct enough to ask.

Where it became awkward is that my most honest answer was "not really", but I didn't want to say that.

I didn't want to say that because it's not nice to hear, and I didn't want to say that because pictures aren't always helpful and it's possible that if we met in person I *would* find him attractive.

So I didn't know what to say. Or how to say it.

So I just kind of said "I don't know what to say to that."

Which is honest.

Just maybe not direct.

Awkward.

How *do* you tell someone you don't find them attractive from just seeing their picture?

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Where'd He Go?

Summer's Day by foundimagination
For whatever reason, I found myself thinking about the nice guy I hung out with in my series of "post-Chad" dates.

I'd forgotten about him (which is good to try to remember in the moment of feeling upset....eventually, you'll forget about the guy you're upset about) but whatever it was brought him back to mind.

I remember when we hung out and he mentioned how much he missed his family back East. I asked him where he thought he'd find himself in five years, here in town or back East where he grew up and still has family and friends. And he said he didn't know.

I remember thinking at the time that this was probably an indication that he would end up back there and I remember telling myself to be aware of that if things ever got serious.

When he kind of disappeared it was partly, in his words, because he was out of town... back East.

I'm not really sure of the point of this post, other than there's part of me that wants to say "I told you so." Like... I knew he wasn't someone who wanted to stop and settle and make a life here.

Or maybe it's just to say that he was a nice guy and I enjoyed his company and I wished we'd kept hanging out.

Or maybe it's to say that it's weird when you think back and nothing went wrong, or nothing was uncomfortable and you both wanted to hang out again but things didn't go that way. And maybe it's to say that it's weird not knowing what someone else is thinking.

I think maybe there are a whole bunch of online dating site posts running through my head. I think you might just get a whole week's worth.

Which, I suppose, is better than the weeks where I've got nothing much at all to say.

Monday, 14 November 2011

Oh, Ok Then

If you remember, there was a nice guy who'd messaged me on the dating site and we'd been chatting back and forth for a while.

I knew it most likely wasn't going to go anywhere, but I was enjoying getting messages from him and having a conversation with a nice, good looking guy, even if he lived hours and hours away.

It still struck me as funny, though, when he messaged me this weekend to let me know that although he was enjoying our conversation, he was "looking for someone closer to home" and was going to be "leaving the site very soon." Which he did, later that day.

I wanted to laugh and point out to him that *he* had been the one to contact me, me who lives hours and hours (and a ferry ride) away. It seemed odd, but I guess maybe he just wanted to talk to someone nice for a while too.

This whole online dating thing is weird. It just is.

I wonder how our children's children will meet their future boyfriends?

Saturday, 12 November 2011

Cooking Confession

Looking For Food by foundimagination
My Mom's been helping me cook some meals as I've been here. It's one of the things I asked her to do with me, since I'm not known for my cooking skills mainly because I don't know how to make a lot of things...mainly because I don't.

So I've made a few new things from scratch and while I'm probably supposed to be very proud of myself and looking forward to making them again when I head back to my place, the truth of it is that I don't enjoy it.

I have some friends who love to cook. They love to cook and entertain and make food and serve food and they love making people happy by cooking.

I...don't.

I make the stuff, I cook the stuff, I serve the stuff and it's all kind of... meh.

My Mom even said the other night how much enjoyment she gets cooking and feeding us.

I just don't know if this is my thing.

I admire people who enjoy cooking, and I love to eat their tasty, lovingly prepared meals, but I don't get much enjoyment from being the one doing the cooking.

So I guess I hope I find a man who does.

Or else I'll just keep eating at my friends' houses.

Friday, 11 November 2011

Pause

11/11/11

A day to remember, in the hopes that we may never forget.

Thursday, 10 November 2011

Like A Deer

On My Way Home by foundimagination
So a few of us decided to go out for a drink after work on Friday and since the pub we decided to go to is near where I'm staying right now, I had someone follow me to my parents' place and drive me to the pub so I could have a couple of drinks and not have to drive home.

It was a good, relaxing time (the three Cosmos helped!) and by the time we were heading back, it had turned chilly, although thankfully not dark. (Boo for turning the clocks back, boo!)

As I headed up the last stretch towards my parents' place, I realized I could not, in fact, get in.

My folks live in a place that has a gate you have to drive through (and no, it's not a "gated community", I've seen The Real Housewives, we don't got that kinds of moneys) and I'd conveniently left my gate card in my car.

Safely locked in the garage.

My parents, of course, had gone out for dinner, so even though I was hopeful when I buzzed them, I knew they probably weren't going to answer.

At this point, I could have stood outside the gate and waited for someone to drive in, but that seemed creepy, and, well, it was pretty darn cold.

Plus, I wasn't entirely exactly sober, (I wasn't drunk mind you, just happily tipsy) and waiting didn't seem like a good idea.

Now, trying to find the way the deer get into their place?

Seemed like a really good idea.

Which explains why I texted C-Dawg at 6pm on Friday night explaining that I was "bush-wacking" my way through the forest "in an attempt to get home."

Apparently she laughed a lot.

But, after I discovered that my bush-wacking instincts were solid and led to a genuine path (that maybe I could have discovered if I'd walked twenty more paces up the road instead of just blithely heading into the bush) that led into the place where my parents live (and remind me to point out to the people who run this place that if *I* can get in, a burglar certainly could, well, maybe not, I am a spy after all...) and I waltzed past the "No Tresspassing" sign and made my way home.

And we all lived happily ever after.

And I was rather proud of myself.

I'm the smartest tipsy girl I know!

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Dual

Yes, I stole yesterday's song from the heartbreaking last episode of Parenthood.

Or maybe it was only heartbreaking for me, watching someone go down the road you know they shouldn't go down, but knowing exactly why they are damnit.

I'm not sure you can call yourself Canadian if you don't know Joni Mitchell.

Joni Mitchell, Leonard Cohen, Neil Young. They wrote the soul of this country when it needed it to be written and what poets, what poetry, what perfect brokenness.

So when I heard the beautiful cover of Joni's song, I searched to find who'd covered it and it became part of my new favourites list instantly.

Parenthood's on that list too, along with a few other tv shows I enjoy. Shows where I root for and struggle with the characters, and I've written before about how Parenthood has the ability to make me wish I had something...maybe all good writing does that, or maybe that's just how I react to good writing, I don't know.

But when a good tv show uses great music, it's such a powerful combination, and as someone who is most often introduced to new music and new artists through tv shows, I'm grateful that that song came my way.

And at just the right time too.

Funny how that works.

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Some Love For Your Ears

And maybe your soul


James Blake - A Case Of You

Monday, 7 November 2011

Blink, Blink

Well, that was rather a rough wakeup yesterday!

I had the grand idea that I'd make myself stay up later than usual since I'd a) slept in that morning and so wouldn't be quite as sleepy and b) somehow that would make the time change extra hour of sleep even better while still not messing up my sleep.

Or something.

So I stayed up a bit later and then? Couldn't fall asleep.

Add to the not falling asleep, having Pink's Raise Your Glass going through my head over and over and over. And over.

Which was weird, since I had heard it two days before and, well, yeah.

So then waking up yesterday morning when it was light out (yay!) but not quite knowing if I was getting up at a good time or an early time or just the right time didn't matter because I was so...darn...tired.

But, the good news was I didn't have to work anyway, so I stumbled up and the day just got better from there.

But seriously, time change? Y U so mean?

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Whoops

Comes The Light by foundimagination
In my defense, it hasn't been shorts weather for a while now, and it's rather dark in the guest bathroom where I shower.

But I did feel badly when I got home after my pedicure treat to myself and realized just how hairy my legs were.

Not that the sweet lady who made my toes pretty said anything, but I did feel like a dolt when I realized just how un-ladylike I'd let my legs get.

Yet another reason I'm looking forward to being back in my apartment; a well-lit bathroom!

Friday, 4 November 2011

I Bought Them As A Treat

But I think I have to admit it.

Frosted Flakes are way too sweet.

I never thought I'd hear me say that, but, well, last night was my third day of having a bowl after dinner, before bed and each time my brain just kind of goes "DUDE! That's, like, way too sweet to be good man."

Which is funny, because I only bought a big box because the small camping size boxes came with a bunch of other cereals I didn't want. Now I'm going to just end up chucking the rest of the big box.

Too sweet. Never thought I'd hear myself say that.

Seriously.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

Missing What Almost Was

You Just Keep Me Hanging On by foundimagination
Just because both Chad and the Universe decided that he wasn't to be my boyfriend doesn't mean I don't wish I had a Chad-like boyfriend in my life.

I try to remember not to idealize Chad because he certainly had his faults and I'm sure had I gotten to know him more, I would have found others, but there were things about him and us together that I really really liked.

I liked how easy he was to be around.

I liked how much we laughed together.

I liked that he was good looking.

And outside of those aspects of him, I liked having someone I knew was thinking about me, and I liked that he let me know he was thinking about me.

I liked getting giggly when I'd get a text from him and I liked feeling nervous and fluttery before seeing him.

I haven't forgotten the frustration, confusion and worry I went through when things went off, I'm just saying that it's difficult to forget the fun, good, nice parts of the start of a relationship, especially since it's the first one in a while.

Guess I'm wishing for something similar again. Something fun, uplifting, easy, giggle-and-flutter-inducing and good.

I think I'd like that.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Oh George

Back in the day (you know, way back three months ago) when I game late to the Game of Thrones party, I was hoping to enjoy the book as much as I had enjoyed the tv series.

And I did, so I decided to go ahead and read the second book in the series. (I'd debated waiting until the second season came out to watch it first, but decided to go ahead and read it anyway.)

And I enjoyed it just as much!

Which lead me to my next big dilemma.

See, I know that as it stands, there are five books in the series, the fifth having just come out after what fans said was a "very long wait."

We all know I love books and reading. (If you don't know this, you may have been asleep under a rock and that's ok too...welcome back to the rest of the world rock-dweller.) And I think I've talked before about how sad I get when I finish a series because I don't get to hang out with the characters anymore.

So when I finished book two, I told myself that I'd wait a while before starting the third book so that reading the series would last longer and I'd have more time with these characters and their stories.

I hadn't even ordered the book yet, so I picked out another book to start and that was that.

Except that I kept wishing I was reading book three.

Not to say I didn't enjoy the other book I was reading, but I decided I'd just pop into the local book store at some point soon to pick up the third book so it was ready for me.

And then I caved. I went for lunch with a co-spy and next door to where we were eating was a bookstore.

"I...uh...just have to go next door for a minute" I mumbled, sneaking out from our lunch. I high tailed it into the book store where I saw the glorious display of George RR Martin books waiting for me, grabbed the third, paid for it and opened it up as I headed out the door.

I did make myself finish the book I'd started mind you. Went to bed early one night and read it pretty much straight through in a few hours.

Wouldn't let myself start the new one til the next night.

Found myself going to bed early again that night too, strangely enough.

So while I will try again after the third book to wait before reading the fourth book, I'm not sure I'll be any more successful than I was this time.

Oh George, you've taken away my will-power, darn you and your stories that leave me just having to find out what happens next!

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Don't Worry, Just A Rant

(Hey) Where Are You Going? by foundimagination
I don't need you to read this and I know that I'm lucky, but I'm going to rant anyway.

I'm tired of being in pain.

I'm tired of being sore.

I'm disappointed to hear that I need to try to improve things but that the best way of doing that will most likely cause more pain.

I shouldn't be getting punished for something that wasn't my fault and something I didn't deserve.

I just want to get through a day, a week, a month, without worrying about doing something that will make things hurt more and I just want to get through a day, a week, a month, a year without hurting or being sore or uncomfortable.

I'm frustrated and I'm angry and I'm sad and I'm tired of hurting. Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop. I don't want to deal with it anymore.

&*^%



/end rant
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P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2017 and then some.) Kay? Kay.