Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Stumbling

Cruising by foundimagination
This may not make sense to anyone other than me, but I kind of don't know how to write right now.

In fact, yesterday's post was one I had written a couple of weeks ago and held back for a day when I needed a post.

Like yesterday.

My Dad needs another intervention for his heart.

And the news absolutely floored me.

My Mom called to let me know and as soon as she told me I started crying on the phone. Full on crying and all I could say was "why?"

Why, when it's been a year since his open heart surgery aren't things better? Why can't he just be healthy from now on? Why did this happen? Why can't he be ok?

Just, why?

I know I'm in shock, I can feel it, and all I can do is cry and feel stunned right now. Try to remember to eat and how to function.

I'm devastated right now, and I may need a couple of days before things feel different.

So if I don't post for a few days you know why.

But maybe I will. Who knows. I'm just saying.

I didn't want to do this again.

And I didn't want reminded that my parents will not always be here.

That's a low blow.

Monday, 30 July 2012

Huh. Go Figure

I just had a remembrance of my University days exploded.

Well, ok "exploded" is a little dramatic, but still.

I was wandering through London Drugs and found a row of those "bowl of noodle soup" things? Now, I used to love them. Thought they were the easiest, tastiest meal ever. So simple! Boil water, empty into fake bowl, mix with provided seasoning, done!

I decided to go back in time a bit and have one for dinner, so I found one that didn't contain MSG (the main reason I stopped eating them I think... MSG tends to give me a headache) and boiled me up some water.

I was so looking forward to having the thing for dinner but as I started slurping up the noodles I realized there was no nutritional value to the thing at all.

Like, I was eating, but I wasn't getting any less hungry.

It was all just empty calories. No protein. Nothing particularly filling or good for me.

*Sad face*

I swear, I used to be full after eating one of those things.

Maybe I was eating better back then and didn't notice? Or maybe I'm eating better now and do?

Oh well, at least I'm not nostalgic for Mr Noodles any more.

Saturday, 28 July 2012

Passage

And Your Eyes Are Closed Like You Truly Believe You're Safe And Sound With Me by foundimagination
When did we stop being the child we once were?

When did we stop running full tilt into the water? When did it start to matter that it was too cold, too choppy, too far from home?

I'm not saying I want to live life with the wild abandon of the innocent and consequence free (although that would be nice) I'm just saying what happened to all those things I used to love to do?

Used to be, when I was a kid, you could barely keep me out of the water.

Be it lake, ocean, pool, if it was there? I was in it. I'd spend entire summers half-immersed in the ocean, half playing on the beach.

When did that change?

I can't remember the last time I swam in the ocean, or in a lake. And these days when I do go down to the beach and stick my foot in, all I can think is "man that's cold."

What else about myself have I lost? What other freedoms have I given up, unwittingly, unknowingly?

When does that fear start to take over? The fear of being judged, or hurt, even physically. The fear of danger, being wrong, getting laughed at, left behind, forgotten.

Not that I want to be silly or ridiculous, or some kind of over-grown child-woman, I just want to be care-free again. To just want to go run and jump into that water, or whatever that water stands for, metaphorically, just because it's fun and I love it and I want to and I can.

But, how?

Friday, 27 July 2012

Bleargh

I feel like I just fell face forward into Friday.

Know what I mean?

Like, the weekend's a big ol' mattress with a comfy blanket comforter and Friday's... me... falling face forward towards it.

Poof/flop. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Thursday, 26 July 2012

Shhhhhh

Early Morning Singing Song by foundimagination
This week I keep realizing how often I get stuck worrying about the future. Or even thinking about it.

Like, for example, I'm taking some holiday time at the end of August and I think I'll be heading over to one of the many beautiful islands we have here on the coast.

Already, I'm thinking about what to pack and if I have a sun hat that will work and the sunscreen I'll want to take and then I catch myself and I realize, dude. It's a month away. What's the point in doing all this worrying/planning/thinking (because it's not anything more than worrying about it, really) now?

There's a lot of people who talk about the importance of being "mindful" or "in the moment" and I really get that.

I just don't know why it's so hard for me to do.

Like, it's been gorgeous and sunny this week. Work's relatively mellow (knock on wood) right now and things are going well in a pretty general sense of everything. Why be worrying about a month away? Why even be worrying about a week away?

Sometimes I think that's why I don't like to commit to things. "Hey, Victoria, want to come over next weekend and play Monopoly?"

And then I just start thinking about all the reasons I might not want to next weekend or what else might happen between then and now and I worry about stupid things like, what if I don't get the dog piece or I can't remember where my friend lives and depending on what the future event is, I lose sleep over these things.

I just want my brain to shhhhhh.

It's annoying and doesn't make me relax. And I don't think it particularly helps, although my brain obviously thinks it does.

I mean, if only this were the single annoying thing my brain does... that'd be at least a bit better.

Oh well.

What does your brain do that you wish it would just stop doing?

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

I'm Like The European Union of Candy

I opened my candy cupboard (wait, what do you mean "candy cupboard?" doesn't everyone have a candy cupboard?) the other day and realized I had quite an eclectic collection.

I had two types of candy imported from Britain, one from Germany, one Canadian and a couple generically North American.

I guess I consider myself a candy Good Will ambassador or something. Nothing tasty is turned away.

I guess if I had a slogan it might say "All Delicious Candy and Chocolate Welcome Here" (and then in very small print "but I might not like some types and so won't eat them, sorry)

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Wonderings

Pardon? by foundimagination
I sometimes wonder to myself if it's worth it letting people know when you have a problem with them.

Because, generally, I don't.

I usually either just let whatever it is that's frustrating/bugging/annoying me sit, or I try to figure out why it's frustrating/bugging/annoying me because sometimes it's something about me that I see in them and that's why it's annoying.

But, I also don't usually bother because I don't see what positive outcome could come from it. Like, why should I sit down with person X and explain that something they did/said/didn't do upset me?

And does it matter the relationship with that person? If it's a friend? Co-worker? Family member? Random stranger? Acquaintance? Guy who hands you your morning coffee?

At what point it is worth saying "Hey, I have a problem with something and it's affecting our relationship." Because they probably don't know it's affecting the relationship. Coffee guy has no idea I don't like it when he mis-pronounces my name after I've corrected him thirty times. He has no idea I'm so annoyed by it I actually try to avoid his shift. (OMG I seriously just made that all up I completely don't even like coffee I am some kind of crazy liar!)

So if/when someone does something that upsets you in some way, is it worth talking to them about? If something they do lets you down, is that their issue or yours? If something they say hurts you, should you tell them that was mean, or just deal with your hurt?

If someone turns out to be different from who you thought they were, is there any point in telling them how you feel?

I'm really not sure, but I tend to think not.

I've done it a few times, with a co-worker, friend, parent, boyfriend, but I'm not sure it changed anything for the better. Some people don't, or can't change, but at least I can try to adjust.

I dunno.

It's just kind of been rambling through my brain of late.

I think maybe there's no one answer, and I think maybe it differs from person to person, and maybe even situation to situation.

But I do wonder.

Monday, 23 July 2012

Melancholy

I'm still feeling rather blah from last week, and the news that the child of friends of mine has been diagnosed with juvenile diabetes has me feeling quite sad.

Kids aren't supposed to get sick or be sick or learn they have a life-long illness to cope with.

It's a rather hopeless feeling, not knowing how to comfort my friends. I know they'll be fine, but still. . .

Makes me want to hug my parents too. I was diagnosed with a fairly harmless but nevertheless life long illness as a ten year old and it's only now that I can imagine what they must have gone through.

I marvel at the fact that never once did they show me that they were afraid or upset, not even in the week or two I spent at Children's Hospital in Vancouver. (That place is the best, I had a blast, considering.)

Life's a funny thing, and I feel lucky every day that I'm healthy and well.

Kids shouldn't get sick, but they do, and it's sad. But kids are wonderful and little packages of joy that remind us to get out there and laugh and play and be silly and get as many hugs as you can.

Saturday, 21 July 2012

Seriously????

It's Raining Again by foundimagination
Remember the anger I mentioned as one of the emotions I'm going through right now?

Well, yeah, I'm kind of having a lot of that right now.

Earlier in the week, maybe Tuesday or so, I sent the guy a message... something along the lines of, thanks for meeting, send me a message if you'd like to hang out again, if not I understand.

After all, he'd said he would message, he clearly wasn't, I thought I'd give him a gentle out, take the higher road sort of thing.

And I really did think he was a polite enough person to send me back a message along the lines of, yeah, thanks for meeting, it just didn't click, take care.

But no. Nothing. It's pissing me off.

So after not hearing from him, I went and "hid" my profile.

And then last night I got an email from the site. "Sorry, but your profile picture doesn't show your face, it's been deleted."

And because I'm riding the bitter, angry train right now two thoughts popped into my head.

1. When I was on this date with this guy, I mentioned to him that some of the guy's I'd met via the online dating site (this was his first time meeting someone this way, for what it's worth) just never contacted me again and how I thought that was pretty rude. His face at the time looked shocked, surprised that someone would do that. But now I feel like me saying that somehow gave him permission. I wonder.

2. I also talked to him about how there's an option on the site to go through and tell the site if the person has a shirtless picture up (he'd asked me how many guys on the site have shirtless pictures up and I said not many.) Now I feel like he went and pressed some button telling the site my picture didn't show my face.

But that's probably a ridiculous thought, right? I mean, I'm sure it's just pure co-incidence that all of a sudden I get this message and they deleted my photo. Right?

Whatever. I'm pretty angry all round right now and if this stupid site doesn't want me to have a picture up any more that's just fine with me. I wave my middle finger in the whole process' general direction.

So I'm mad at that guy for being a wimp and not dumping me properly, and I'm mad at the stupid site for not even looking before deleting the picture I didn't even want to have up there anyway.

CURSE WORDS!

Updated to add: Ironically, just received a message after typing this out (last night,) basically - "genuinely enjoyed meeting you, don't want to meet up again. Take care."

Which is fine.... we can't all connect, whatever... not like the message is any great surprise, I saw it coming the very evening we met, but... I do wish he'd taken the time to send this message a few days ago, or even the evening after we'd met.

But, at least he responded...eventually.

Friday, 20 July 2012

Picking At It

When I go through a rough patch, I often write about it when I'm most raw.

I mean, maybe that seems obvious, but usually things settle down. Eventually. Or I at least start waking up feeling calmer, or getting through the days will less hurt.

But sometimes I forget to go back to what I'd said when I'm feeling a little less wounded. A lot of the time it's because I just want to move on and I don't want to go digging back around in that wound when it's already starting to scab over.

But now that the harshest of feelings around this latest dating situation has dimmed somewhat, I'm reminding myself to write down what happens after the big hurt. Because that matters too.

Sometimes it takes a few days, and depending, sometimes longer than that, but at some point, my thoughts turn away from the deep sorrow and hurt to something more akin to bafflement.

I start trying to figure out what, exactly happened. And I suppose I'm happy to say that while I used to beat myself up that it must have been some physical lack of mine (looks, weight, hair, makeup) I now rarely linger on that topic (meh, I'm good looking enough...people much uglier/fatter/other mean words than I am are happily married, so it's not that.)

But then that, unfortunately, takes me to my personality.

Because if I'm not hideously ugly, he must just not have liked *me*.

And I'm not sure if that hurts just as much or even more than not being liked for how you look.

But that's where I start to get baffled. Because on these dates, like this last one, it's not like anything goes... wrong.

It's not like there's massive discomfort, or awkward silences. It's not like the guy tried to squirm his way out of the whole thing fifteen minutes in.

And then the bafflement starts to bounce towards anger. Well if he didn't like me, why'd he keep continuing the conversation or finding a new street to walk down? And if he didn't like me, why didn't he take the time to tell me as much then, or soon after?

And depending on the mood of that moment, that can either swing back to sadness - of course he didn't like me, who would? (and all the massive insecurities and low self esteem issues love to raise their voices at this time to chip in) or some weird anger/stubbornness combination - how could he not have seen through my nerves or whatever to see that I'm decent and good and what an idiot he is for not sticking around because (sometimes I think) I am kind of awesome.

So then there'll be a day or a week or so of these mixed thoughts. I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm feeling sorry for him, I'm feeling sorry for me, I'm sad, I'm hurt, I don't actually care, I give up, maybe I don't, but I do, but what a jerk, but how did this happen, what went wrong, I'm confused, hurt, angry and sad all at once.

Ms. K├╝bler-Ross would be proud, I'm sure.

I've found it's not always helpful to talk to friends at this point. Because they're all so well meaning, but for most of them, a breakup's something that hasn't happened for a long long time and so they either tell me it'll all work out and he's bound to call/email/text any day now, or they tell me they don't know what to say (I wouldn't either I suppose) or that they're sorry and they'd hoped it'd work out. But when I'm in this mixed, bouncing around mood, nothing is particularly comforting. It's hard to get support (insert shifting sand is a bad foundation metaphor here.) when I don't even know what I'm feeling from one moment to the next.

But, there's what happens after the sad.

The confusion.

And, sadly, the desire to never repeat the situation and feelings again. A desire, that unfortunately just gets strengthened every time this happens.

I can't say I blame myself for wanting to stay away from hurt.

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Delay

A Different Angle by foundimagination
He wasn't even quite what I expected, a smaller personality than I would have guessed from our written communication back and forth.

And it was, I think, the wrong setup for our first meeting, we should have met at a pub, had a drink, but I've never done that, so I wasn't about to start.

And, sure, I feel better after a good night's sleep, and a few good cries. But I'm still annoyed at the conversations that are going on in my head - the excuses being offered, the reasons to just wait...it'll work out... you'll see!

You already know he doesn't like using the computer much, he probably just hasn't sat down in front of it for a couple of days.

No.

Maybe he thinks you don't like him and he's scared to ask you out again in case you reject him!

No.

No, but, really, maybe he did quite like you and just isn't sure what to do from here or what to say!

No.

Just give it a few more days. Maybe he'll message you now. THERE! What was that, you got a message it was him wasn't it? WASN'T IT?!!!!!!!!

No.

Ok, well maybe later. Like... say by lunch time today.

Like you made me wait for lunch time yesterday? Or maybe by dinner yesterday? Or bedtime? Etc. etc.? No.

And it goes on and on, just oooooh maybe! excitement followed by let down and let down and let down that I logically know is going to happen.

But the optimism is good you argue.

I'm not so sure any more. It just ends up being wrong and so it's not just me getting hurt, it's also that hopeful self getting crushed. And the bitter me just adds the pain on to the already quite well established Pink Floyd-ian brick wall, but then it has to roll its eyes and reach over to deal with the crushed little shit of a sobbing heap of crushed hope too. "There there, little fellow, it's ok." pat, pat, pat. Bitter me doesn't appreciate having to babysit.

Wednesday, 18 July 2012

But There It Is

See, I didn't quite expect a message from him that night, although that would have been an excellent sign he was into me. But I was a little bummed there wasn't one in the morning.

I knew he had plans for that next day, so didn't really expect a message for most of the day, but then as the day turned into evening and there was still no message, I started to feel a little discouraged. I know how this works, you see.

I went for a walk, to clear my mind and get some fresh air, having already run the gamut during the day from "it's his loss, I rock!" to "good god I'm fat and ugly, no wonder" to "no, I'm not fat or ugly, get a grip" to "man, it sucks that he's not interested".

I suppose I was still hopeful, at that point, that there'd be a message waiting. He'd been pretty consistent over the week or so we'd been talking, and usually messaged around the same time every day.

Besides, we'd originally arranged to meet that very evening, but changed it to the night before when plans changed. He said it'd work better for him that way anyway. So I guess in my mind I figured he'd be home, having, perhaps, thought of me at some point during the day, sitting down to write a message, hopefully about the next time we could meet and spend time together.

But, then again, there was still that thought lingering at the back of my head, that gut feeling from the end of our date that he wasn't all that interested.

I mean, at least with what's his face from last summer, when we met that first time, I knew he wanted to see me again, I could tell. And he did. And he let me know he liked me, right up until the moment he didn't.

So I was mildly hopeful perhaps, as I rounded the corner and headed up another street on my walk. And I'm not sure why I glanced across the road, and I'm sure it was ironic that I'd just been thinking about him and his car because that glance across the road took me right to his car, and him. And the blonde getting into his car.

He wasn't at home, writing me a message. He was out.

Possibly on a date. Probably on a date.

"Hey, turns out I am free that night, things opened up, let's grab dinner."

Because it's not like he owed me anything. We just met. No one's saying you can't date ten people at once until you decide to just stick with one. And it's not like it's the first time a guy's dumped me because he was going out with someone else from the dating site and ended up liking her more.

But it still hurt.

And it really does lead me back to the thought I keep coming back to recently - I think, perhaps, I'm just meant to be alone.

I think maybe I'm not built for a romantic relationship. I think maybe I'm just meant to live the rest of my life with it just being me.

And my parents will be gone one of these days, the two people who are built to love me. The two people who gave me parts of my heart and soul. And after them, there is just me. And really, even with them here, there is just me because they have each other. As does everyone else in my life.

So this is the mourning I think I need to process. The fact that it is probably, for the rest of my life, in a very real way, just going to be me. I'm going to be single and alone from now on.

And since there is no getting younger and I'm heading towards what may be the mid-point of my life, or close to it, I can't begin to tell you how sad I am to look into that length and see me never having someone close to share it with.

And, yes, this one small event reminded me of this. I am a good person. I am likeable. There are people who like me and people who love me. I am a good person. I'm just not someone anyone wants to be with.

And maybe I used to be, but maybe I just slept my way into relationships and thought that meant they loved me.

So it's going to be just me, and I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to be ok with that.

But there it is.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Thrown Back

Down The Way by foundimagination
I've been fine for a while, relationship wise, I have.

The last couple of months have been all about talking about mortgages and looking at listings and wondering about dog-sitting and it was stressful, sure, but nice to have something to think about other than being single.

But the last couple of weekends, I've had a bit more time to breathe and, slightly bored, I checked out a few profiles on the online dating site.

I quite honestly couldn't be bothered to strike up a conversation with anyone, but there was one guy whose profile I really liked so I send him a hello and we started messaging.

We got along great via message, so much to talk about, so we decided to meet up this weekend.

I was, of course, nervous for the "blind meeting of random stranger from the internet" as usual, and he was a few minutes late to our meeting spot, which didn't help my nerves, but he was nice and cuter than his picture (which doesn't happen often) and so we wandered for a while and talked.

I felt nervous and awkward of course, not myself, which is always too bad in these meetings, but we had a lot to talk about (well, I talked a lot...too much it feels like, and he asked questions and well, yeah, lots to be said and talked about.)

After we'd walked a giant loop and ended back up at his car he kind of seemed like he wanted to keep talking, but we just sort of ended things and I asked for a hug (which in retrospect seems stupid) and he said he'd send me a message.

I don't know if you guys remember back to Steve from a couple of months ago, but I remember at the end of our dinner just having the feeling he wasn't interested.

And, I'm sorry to say, I had the same feeling at the end of this date this weekend.

Not that he didn't like me or that we didn't get along or anything like that. Just that this guy (yet again) wasn't interested in dating me or particularly getting to know me any further.

Sure, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he's just a little slow in sending me that message, you'll argue.

Yeah. Except no.

He's not interested.

He's had time.

He would have shown interest if he had it.

I hate that I'm right, but I'm right and it sucks.

And it hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts.

I think I give up on online dating. It doesn't work for me.

That cold-call meeting just doesn't suit me, and whoever it is that those guys meet? Whatever nervous, un-relaxed version of me those guys meet? They don't like.

But it still hurts. It's still rejection.

And like I said yesterday, I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't think I'll hear from this guy again, but if I do, if he's polite enough to send me a "thanks but no thanks" message, I'm deleting my account.

I see a nice guy, we chat, we arrange to meet, I get nervous, I worry, we meet, it goes "ok", he's not interested.

I'm not playing this game anymore. I hate it too much, I'm not getting any better at it, I don't enjoy it, it's not getting me anywhere, I can't handle the rejection.

I mean, think about it.

You liked my personality on paper and in writing enough to meet me. But then you met me and changed your mind.

How is that not going to sting?










(Oh, wait. I guess I should mention seeing him getting into his car with a pretty blonde the evening after our "date"? And how, while I know this could have been a friend/sister/whatever, it just kind of pushed me over the "well, fuck this" ledge. How was that for a kick in the teeth? "Well, no wonder he's not messaged me, he's out on a much more interesting date with a much prettier person. Fuck.")

Monday, 16 July 2012

Sure, I Suppose There's A Story To Tell

I think I just assume now that I'm going to be rejected.

And yet, it still hurts deep down in the very core of me when I am.

You'd think that expecting it would make the rejection easier, but I think because it affirms the worst thoughts I have about myself, it ends up being worse.

Sometimes I wish the little tiny hopeful part of me would just get crushed and die already because then it wouldn't get kicked around anymore. I wish it would stop pulling itself together and believing that maybe next time, maybe THIS time it'll be different.

I can't take it anymore, I don't want to. And I don't mean life, I mean the desire to have a partner, to be loved and in love.

I want to give up and I'm sick of getting over the pain and trying again. I want to quit and never ever ever go through anything again.

Ever.

Saturday, 14 July 2012

Some Nostalgia For Your Weekend

Nom Nom Nom Nom Nom by foundimagination
What's something you miss from the past?

I miss going into the corner store with my hard-earned allowance and looking at all the candy I could buy! (I still do enjoy buying candy, but it's somehow not the same feeling, maybe because I know there are other things I could/should be spending my money on.)

I miss collecting stickers and having a sticker album and showing my friends the cool puffy sticker I got or the googly-eyed one or the scratch and sniff one that smelled just like grape! Here! Try it!

I think I miss Elementary school in general. I'm not sure I can put my finger on why, but it always just seemed fun and light and bright and cheerful and you could learn cool things and have fun and run around and, yeah, it was just generally awesome.

I miss high school crushes and that feeling when you finally got close enough to hold hands.

I miss spending all day at the beach in the summer, playing in the water and sand. (How did we not get sunburnt? How did we not think the water was freezing?)

I miss the house we grew up in.

I miss a particular flavour of candy we found once in an old fashioned candy store in downtown Vancouver, across from the ballet company I was in. They looked like a big fat bumble bee - yellow with black stripes and they were kind of a sour flavour, but when you got to the inside, or bit through, there was a red, sweet syrup inside. They were awesome.

And not to get too sad, which would be easy to do here, but I miss the oatmeal cookies they made down at the beach when my Dad and I would go for a walk on a Saturday morning to let my Mom sleep in after her late night as a night-shift nurse.

And last but not least, I miss getting on my BMX bike with my best friend from across the street and taking off to go play somewhere or explore somewhere or just to feel the wind in our hair. Awesome. Pure awesome.

Friday, 13 July 2012

Just Sayin'

Most of us are aware of a very helpful thing many smartphones do when you're typing - they can autocorrect your mistakes.

I think Word has done this in a very simple way for years, because as someone who often types faster than my fingers can manage, I have seen "teh" magically turned into "the" when I'm done typing it a few gazillion times.

So it's nice to be texting away to a friend and see that the phone is correcting your "ie" spelling mistake, or throwing in that extra "l" you forgot about, but sometimes, your phone is too smart for your own good and corrects a word you didn't want corrected.

Like, these phones try to sometimes guess what it is you want them to say and/or correct a word you've goofed up spelling and so that, occasionally leads to mistakes, often hilarious ones.

(I'm pretty sure I've already shown you this, but in case you missed it, here's an entire website devoted to hilarious and/or cringe-worthy auto correct mistakes.)

So now that we're all on the same page, let me tell you a little story that happened last weekend.

I don't know how many of you remember, but a few years ago, I had a crush on a really cute temp spy worker, and we went out on a couple of "coffee dates" and then he talked about his "partner" and then I found out he was gay and then we became good friends? Yeah, so buddy and I go for wanders along the waterfront on warm, sunny days, and this weekend was full of warm sunny days so he sent me a text.

Walk later?

Sounds good, I'm ready whenever.

OK. I'll be over in ten.

During the time it takes him to drive over, I'll throw on my runners and sunscreen and outside-of-the-house clothes if I've still not changed out of my pjs (what, it's the weekend, what else are weekends for?) and then he'll send me a text to let me know he's here. It's usually funny because I can hear him beeping his car locked as I get the text saying "here."

So this time, I glanced down at his text as I heard his car lock beep and burst out laughing when I read "heterosexual."

Not only was it a pretty darn good autocorrect (you miss the "r" in here, and I guess your phone decides you were going for a much longer word?) but it was my one gay friend and it was almost as if he was calling it like he sees it! Yo, hetero friend, I'm here, let's go! Awesome.

I could honestly not stop laughing as I tied up my shoes and headed down the stairs. He was cracking up too, and we probably laughed at it for a solid five minutes.

Heterosexual.

Yes, yes I am.

Thursday, 12 July 2012

A Worry Currently Stuck In My Brain

Sorry, My Mommy Says I Can't Come Live With You by foundimagination
I'm nervous about getting a puppy.

Not that I'm 100% sure I'll get a puppy when I do get a dog, but I might, I mean, I think I kind of want to. It'd be nice to raise a dog from puppyhood and all...

But I'm nervous because I can't stay home with the puppy all day.

I mean, sure, I'll save up some holiday time and be there for the first few weeks, but then what happens? I go back to work, and my poor little puppy is sat at home all by herself for eight, nine hours a day? That's hardly fair.

I suppose I could hire a dog walker, then the puppy would at least get some exercise and company (and, er...pooping time) during the day, but then that feels unfair to me somehow. Like someone else is doing the training/walking/what-evering.

I know I should just sit down with my friends who've had puppies and ask them what they did, but I also know from the small conversations I've had that different people have done different things.

One friend told me that she just lay down "wee wee pads" and everything worked out. Another girl brought her puppy to work and kept it in the car so she could go out at lunch and walk it. I'm sure some people get permission to bring a dog to work, but I don't think that's something that would go down at my spy cave. Plus, it's not like I can pause from stealing the Hope Diamond to correct my puppy or clean up a "mistake."

Really, I think this whole train of thought is yet another example of the train of thought I tend towards.

An unknown change? = Try to figure out how to make it go smoothly. = Have never done it before so don't know all the possible variables. = Panicky feeling.

But whereas I can maybe learn to just go with the flow in some situations, I feel like this one would really benefit from some forethought and planning.

Not that I'm going to be able to get said puppy any time soon, but still.

So, yeah. I'm nervous about getting a dog in general, but a puppy even more so. Because I don't know what to do about the fact that I'm out of the house for many many hours five days a week and while I'm sure I could find a doggy day care or walker or something, that, to me, feels like someone else would be "training" my dog at a time when I want to be the one doing that. Or, as Cesar Millan might say, I want my dog to see *me* as its pack leader, not the dog walker/day care owner.

Le sigh.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Mini Rant, Please Excuse

Buildings I like, Y U No allow dogs???????

*pout*

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Just Different

Sometimes You Just Gotta Do What You Just Gotta Do by foundimagination
So, I don't have Facebook, a fact that older people seem to accept quite easily, and younger people tend to be confused by.

The reasons I don't have Facebook are many, and I don't particularly see myself changing my mind any time in the future.

But I realized the other day that some people forget that some of us aren't on Facebook, and therefore aren't particularly sure what's going on in each other's lives.

I mean, I assume that were I Facebook friends with some people I went to high school with or used to work with, I'd know they were married/engaged/pregnant/divorced, etc. etc. But because I'm not, I don't.

I know that's partly my fault, I could look the people up and give them a call and catch up on things, but I think it's also partly a cultural shift. A lot of people are documenting their lives via Facebook (or perhaps another, similar social network) and those of us who aren't similarly plugged in are perhaps forgotten.

I'm not complaining per se, just... noticing.

I've had a few conversations where I'll be telling a friend something about someone I know, "Hey, remember my friend Suzie? Yeah, she's pregnant" and I'll get the response, "yeah, I saw that on her Facebook." And it's... different.

Maybe I miss word of mouth. Maybe I miss the sharing conversations. Maybe I even (gasp) miss the spreading of news (read: gossip?) I don't know.

I'm not saying I feel left out, either, I just think some people are forgetting, and some businesses are certainly forgetting, that not all of us are part of the Facebook masses. For better or worse. And I think a lot of people just assume you are and are therefore part of the information stream they're sending out.

I'm not, and that just is what it is.

Monday, 9 July 2012

I Just Had A Thought*

So Canada's phasing out the penny, right?

Well, what am I supposed to do with the pennies I have right now?

Will there come a day when I'm no longer able to take them to the bank and exchange them for... grown up money?

And, what are they going to do with all those pennies?

And is someone collecting them right now? Like, are businesses holding on to them and... giving them to the banks or something?

How does this all work, anyway?






*Ok. Maybe that was more than one thought. I really only had the one to begin with.

Saturday, 7 July 2012

K 9

Waiting And Worrying by foundimagination
I realized a couple of things the other week.

I know I've talked about it before, more than once, but I have always wanted to have a dog.

I was talking with one of my best friends who is pregnant with her second child and she was saying how she's always wanted to have children. Not in a creepy obsessive way (you'd have to know her to know what I mean) but just in a "this is something I want as part of my life when the time is right." And she's a great mother. It suits her and she's calm and confident in it and, well, yeah.

And I know some girls grow up and they dream about their wedding. The dress they want, the cake they want, the venue they want, etc. etc. (not that I know anyone like this, but I've seen the tv shows... those ladies get cray-cray!)

Other than having Princess Diana's 25 foot long train and to marry a Prince in a spectacularly royal wedding, I didn't grow up dreaming about my wedding day, or about imagined children. (Although I did want a baby Ewok for a while.) (I figured he'd get along well with my imaginary pony, unicorn, dog and parrot.) (I never did quite understand where the imaginary parrot came from.)

But I did grow up wanting and imagining what it'd be like to have a dog. When I was around them I wanted to deal with them properly (there's a picture of me sternly pointing at a neighbourhood dog who got in our yard) and take care of them (I babysat for a couple who asked me to dog sit their german shepherd for a while. I loved it.) and give and receive affection from them.

I've always enjoyed being around dogs and when I'm at someone's house where there's a dog, I might just pay it more attention than the people, and I will certainly be loved by the dog, as I'm happy to pet and scratch and massage.

The other thing I realized, was that I actually know quite a lot about dogs.

I guess I just kind of figured everyone knew about dogs and breeds, but I was talking with a friend about what kind of dog I might get when I'm able to and as I was listing off names and characteristics, I realized that not everyone has the same dog based knowledge I do.

I can usually guess at a dog's breed, or at least the category it's in. And I know some of the pitfalls of various breeds and what people should watch out for when thinking of getting particular types of dogs.

I like to think I'm good with dogs, but I don't know a lot of the basics, especially if I were to get a puppy, so I've been doing some research and learning more.

I've been watching old episodes of The Dog Whisperer (that man is amazing, I'd love to meet him some day and see him in action, I can only imagine what his energy is like in person) and going online to look up resources.

I don't know how long it's going to be before I can get a dog, and I do wish I was able to have one in this apartment, but I can't, and so I'm going to take the time from now until I do get one to learn what else I can so I can be a smart, informed, prepared owner.

But, yeah. I've always known I wanted a dog, I grew up with visions of dog ownership in my head, and I'm happy to start seeing myself as someone who knows maybe a little bit more than the average Joe about dogs.

It's funny when you realize something positive about yourself you never really noticed before.

Friday, 6 July 2012

To My Resident Manager Who Vacuums The Hallways

Dear Cliff,

I just want you to know something.

When you're vacuuming and I walk by the extra long extension cord that you have plugged into the second floor outlet and that is running allllllll the way down the hall and allllll the way down the stairs to the first floor where I just saw you?

I don't pull the plug.

And I mean I really don't pull it.

It's not like I just think to myself "man, I bet it would annoy him but also be funny if I pulled out the cord!" I actually WANT to do it and stop myself.

Like, I get a naughty/trickster laugh in the back of my head and have to stop myself from just sauntering down the second floor hallway and yanking the cord out of the wall.

So... you're welcome.

Just thought you should know I think you're awesome and so I don't pull out the cord even though I keep thinking it would be pretty darn hilarious (for me) and really really want to.

The end,
Victoria

Thursday, 5 July 2012

Musical Prodigy

Where Does All The Fun Go? by foundimagination
I like sleeping in.

I used to think everyone liked to sleep in, and am still amazed by early risers, but, yeah, the truth is, I like to sleep in.

But the funny thing (maybe) about it, is that I enjoy sleeping in much more if I'm "ignoring" an alarm in some way.

Even on work days, I have a morning routine that involves setting my alarm extra extra early, and then re-setting it to go off an hour later, just so I can get that "oh good I get to sleep longer" feeling every morning.

(And even then, I still allow myself a certain number of hits on the snooze button.) (I really do like sleeping in.)

So this weekend, knowing I had no work to get to, I was in a haven of sleeping in.

I have my alarm tuned to a radio station and on long weekends they play "all requests" and I noticed something about myself.

I can, even while asleep, or being woken up from being asleep, pick out what song is playing, from a second's worth of melody.

On work mornings, I'm all business. I hear the music, roll over, hit snooze. Rarely do I like the song enough to listen to it because I know I have to get up soon for work and I just want those extra nine minutes.

But on weekends, I'll hear the music, listen for a bit, sometimes through a chorus or half a song before rolling over and hitting snooze.

I did this a few times this weekend because they played a lot of Canadian songs (it *was* the Canada Day long weekend after all) and I liked a lot of them.

But there was one moment that made me laugh. (Well, not laugh so much as think "hah, that was funny,zzzz.") I had already hit snooze a few (gazillion?) times and hadn't moved from the "hit snooze" spot and as soon as I heard a millisecond's worth of noise, I just hit the darn button again. Didn't wait for even a note, just smack.

But, yeah. I have kind of a cool skill.

I can, while asleep, figure out what song's playing in the few seconds it takes me to roll over, reach up and hit snooze.

I may, in fact, be some kind of un-discovered genius you know.

I should probably keep sleeping in just to make sure I don't lose this skill, eh?

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

For June

So it's July now (not sure how June went so quickly?) and I didn't even get to tell you my favourite June-related story. So, I'm just going to have to tell it a few days late is all.

My Mom and I (and possibly the rest of my family, I don't really know) have always had this thing around the weather in June.

At some point, who knows when, my Mom said "it's chilly for June!" and it just kind of caught on.

As the years went on we'd say it at any time it was strangely cold just for a giggle. Middle of December, massive snow storm? "Brrr, chilly for June."

But this June in particular was... really quite chilly.

As in, I've not worn flip flops. In fact, I've worn my winter boots and been just fine temperature wise.

So there was a lot of opportunity this month to say "chilly for June". Like, pretty much every day.

Which got me thinking.

Maybe June in the Pacific Northwest is always a bit on the cooler than expected side, and maybe that was unusual enough for my Mom (who didn't grow up in Canada) to notice that the weather was chillier than she was used to for "summer."

Maybe June just isn't the warm month we mentally expect it to be here?

Granted, this wasn't a usual June I don't think (would have to check the records and am currently not motivated enough for that) but yeah, maybe it's never a scorcher?

Nonetheless. It certainly was "Chilly for June" this month, that's for sure.

What about you? Are you in the mythical "roasting hot" zones I keep hearing about? Or are you still enjoying a blanket in the evenings like I am?

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Ahhhhhhh

Canada Day! by foundimagination
So, that was, by all accounts (or, ok, maybe just by my account, but that's the one that matters!) a pretty darn perfect weekend.

It's always an extra relief heading into a three day weekend because you know there's that bonus day that just stretches things out.

Saturday, I completely mellowed out on my couch and read and watched episodes of The Dog Whisperer and really did a whole lot of nothing, except for a "better get some fresh air and exercise" walk later in the day.

Sunday, I mellowed out for the morning, did some laundry and chores and then headed downtown with a friend to catch some of the Canada Day celebrations and fun. We found a cool place to sit and had a yummy drink and appy. Then we met up with another friend and sat on the Legislature lawns to listen to some music and people watch. Then I went home and finished my book while listening to the fireworks and happy crowd.

Yesterday, I woke up and, you guessed it! Mellowed out on the couch for a while. Then C-Dawg and I wandered downtown to buy some books (BOOKS, YAY!) and then to our favourite pizza place for our favourite pizza (mmmmmm) and then I headed home to relax and eat leftover pizza.

It was nice having the feeling of not needing to be anywhere, and even the plans I made were kind of made at the last minute so they didn't feel like plans. Sunday was gorgeous and sunny and it was a perfect day to be out and about with the crowds of face painted, red and white wearing, Canadian flag carrying people.

It was also nice to not know, particularly, what day it was or to worry about having to be anywhere or do anything.

So triple yay for long weekends and sunny days and good food, hurray!
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2017 and then some.) Kay? Kay.