Sunday, 31 March 2013

PS

We interrupt this regularly scheduled posting babble to wish you a Happy chocolate weekend Easter.

Saturday, 30 March 2013

Wherein I Lose My Everloving Mind

Hangin' by foundimagination
I was feeling blue and like I didn't like having this whole situation so out of my control when everything about it was already so out of my control.

Like, I didn't even know if we'd get along, or if he'd like me, and here I didn't even have a say in when we got to meet?

I went out for lunch with a co-worker on Saturday, mainly to distract myself, but also for the company.  And we talked, of course, about Jay and how he wasn't going to be here until Monday.

I mentioned that he'd suggested I go see him, but explained to my friend that I just didn't feel comfortable going over.  I pointed out that I really didn't know him.  And that I didn't know the friends he was staying with, and that I didn't know where the place was and that all of these things just added up to it all being so far out of my comfort zone I just couldn't handle it.

I was scared enough about meeting him without adding all the rest of it to the pile, I explained.

We had a good talk, and she didn't judge, just listened, and gave advice that didn't actually tell me to do anything other than what I was comfortable with and wouldn't regret or feel badly about upon looking back.

I got home later that afternoon and Jay was online.  He told me that his friends had just left for the weekend and was I sure I didn't want to come over?  There would be plenty of hugs waiting for me...

No.  I said.  I'm not sure.  I'm not sure I don't want to come over.  I don't know what to do.

And you know those moments when you know what you should do but you just don't want to do it?  Or, like when you're deciding between two choices in the vending machine and you choose one and as it's falling out of it's slot you realize you really wanted the other one?

Well, I suddenly realized I didn't want to just sit there and be sad and miserable and anxious to meet him, when he was a drive and a ferry ride away.

Crap.

Friday, 29 March 2013

So Close, And Yet So Far

He was staying at his friend's place and it made me smile that we were still able to chat, just like we'd done for all those months.

He was feeling a little overwhelmed being at his friend's place, with kids running around and so I hoped that that might make him want to come here, to the quiet apartment, where he would be more than welcome to crash on my couch and I would just be happy for the company.

He said that his friends were heading out for the weekend and had asked him to say and feed the cats, and I was so disappointed. 

Monday, he said.  I have to be in Victoria for a meeting anyway, so we can meet Monday after work.

THAT'S THREE DAYS AWAY!

Two, he said.

THREE, INCLUDING TODAY!

Well, he said, you could always come here.

To which, I freaked out.

That, you see, is way, way outside of my comfort zone.  And I tried to explain that to him, that it would mean me feeling like I was trapped there if we didn't get along, and then having to either try to rush back to catch the last ferry, or find a place to stay for the night, and so, no, I couldn't do that.  Couldn't he just come over here for a couple of hours and then go back?  I'd pick him up at the ferries and everything.

He said that he didn't want to do all that back and forth travelling.  Which, is fair enough after having just spent a day and a half on planes and still living out of suitcases, but of course it hurt my feelings.

I had to wait three more days.  Didn't he want to see me as much as I wanted to see him?  Did he maybe not want to see me at all anymore?  Was I being whiny or reasonably upset?  My brain spiralled off into unhappy, anxious, miserable fear land.

It was not so much fun.

Thursday, 28 March 2013

Deep Breath

Seul by foundimagination
Alright.

(Look, I managed not to just say "ok"!)

So as Jay was making his way back to Canada, we chatted at this airport and that.  It was cool to think of him making his way home, finally, after all this time, and still odd to try to wrap my brain around the fact that he was going to be here... like... now.

I think I got a little crazy asking him when when WHEN he would be in town.  He wasn't flying directly to Victoria, but needed to stop in Vancouver first to collect his things.  (He finished his last tenancy as he was leaving for his months away and hasn't yet started a new one, so he kept his car and things at a friend's.)  I wanted to know WHEN we would meet, and he wasn't exactly sure when, as he really felt he needed some time to get over the massive number of hours he would be spending flying and travelling and in and around airports over the day and a half it would take him to get here.

And you guys?  I try to be understanding, I SO do.  But I was so nervous to meet him, kept telling myself that no, there wasn't a rush, but yes there was a rush.  Because if things weren't going to work, I kind of wanted to know sooner rather than later.  And, well, if things were going to work, I kind of wanted to figure out if we enjoyed snuggling on my couch sooner rather than later. 

I really wanted him to just come to Victoria already.  He said he'd make that call once he arrived in Vancouver and so I let it go and sat there, trying to keep myself occupied until he arrived.

But when he did, I felt even crazier.

I mean, when he was still in the air it didn't matter.  But as soon as I knew he was on home turf?  Close enough that we could actually, physically meet if we wanted to?  I WANTED IT TO HAPPEN!  LIKE RIGHT NOW!

But, again, I wanted him to have space and time to, you know, sleep, rest, and not feel that horrible way you do after long flights.

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Ok. (It's kind of all I can manage to pull out of my brain when I try to speak... "ok")

Ok, so it's possible that there was perhaps a technically inaccurate posting or two say maybe, you know, this weekend...ish... because Jay's flight arrived in Canada at the end of last week.

(I know, right?)

But see, I didn't want to say anything because I didn't know how it would go, and so if it didn't go as well as I'd hoped, I didn't want to have to write out a post while I was bawling my eyes out with disappointment or cringing with embarrassment or whatever might have happened.  And if things did go well, I didn't want to be having to think about "gee, I should post about this" so I pre-scheduled a few posts and, well, here we are.

Jay is here.  Same time zone. Like, here here.  As in.  Not behind a computer screen.

Ok, well, yes, but I have to explain it all, except that my brain is oh so very overwhelmed right now so this may take a while.

And I can't promise it'll make sense ok?

Ok.

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

I Don't Even...

With Change by foundimagination
Ok.

So.

So, I don't even know how to, say words right now, really, because SO MUCH!

But, just so you know, I met Jay.  Jay and I met.

And I have to remember how to think so that I can tell you all about it.

But, yes. Good.

Ok.

Pinch me?

Monday, 25 March 2013

Crazy

So as Jay was making his way back to this side of the earth, we managed to connect while he was in layovers in various airports.

I don't know why, but it struck me as so completely weird, that I could be sitting here, on my computer in Victoria, British Columbia, Canada and be talking, via Facetime and chat to someone on their computer, thousands and thousands of miles away, sitting in an airport waiting area, surrounded by people speaking another language and just... so crazy.

Maybe this next generation won't be filled with the same feelings of awe, but I grew up in a household that didn't have a computer until we were teenagers.  Didn't have more than one phone, had to share just the one in the kitchen.

I grew up talking to grandparents and relatives in Scotland over a phone line that would have pauses in the conversation that would make it awkward, or that the lines would all be full, whatever that meant, and you'd have to call back when they were less busy.

And here I am, talking computer to computer, over... wireless...signals... halfway around the world, just like that.

So weird.  So crazy.  So amazing.

It makes my brain hurt that this is normal.

Saturday, 23 March 2013

Just A Few

Slightly Off Kilter by foundimagination
Not much longer now, you guys, really, until Jay's here.  And I'm (currently) remarkably calm about it.

I don't know quite why, and I don't know that I want to talk about it in case talking about all the things I'm not worrying about right this second makes them show up.  And I'd really rather they didn't.

Maybe it's because it's been so long in the coming or something, but I almost feel like I won't believe it until he's right in front of me, and I wonder if even then I will be not quite sure it's real.

I don't know what it's going to be like, to see, for real, this person I've been getting to know and have talked to but only over the phone or through a computer screen.

Imagine if Brad Pitt suddenly walked into your workplace.  Might you not believe it was actually happening?

I dunno.  I'm babbling a little here, I can tell.

But, yeah.

Soon.

Ish.

Taking a deep breath now.  And then a few more.

Friday, 22 March 2013

Well, That'll Be New

I went to a show last weekend with some friends and as we were all standing in line, I found myself thinking that it would be sort of awkward, and would feel.... weird, if Jay was standing there with us.

There are a couple of things.  Partly, I was in that line with people I've known for years.  A decade or more for some of them.  And while I maybe know Jay in a different way, I still haven't met him, and even when we do meet, I won't have known him for a decade.  So it's partly that feeling of being with people you've known a long time and with someone you don't really know or haven't known for long.

The other thing I realized is that I've never had to introduce a guy to my friends from scratch before.  All of my previous boyfriends were introduced to me by friends.  Or, in the case of my first boyfriend, or a high school boyfriend, we all kind of knew each other and hung out together before things became romantic.

So when I realized that I would be the middle man, so to speak, between Jay and my friends were he there, it felt weird.  And I realized it was because I've never really done that before.  I've never not had that someone or other who knew the both of us and could bridge the gap.

It'll be a new, and different experience for me to introduce Jay to my friends, (assuming we get to that point) because I'll know him, but I'll know them more.  Does that make sense?

It makes sense in my head but I can't seem to type it out into words that make sense.

Maybe it's a comfort level thing, I'm super comfortable with my friends, but I don't know yet how comfortable Jay and I are going to be with each other and so being in that situation, hanging with old friends and thinking of him being there made my brain feel weird.

You know?

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Um.... Huh?

Happy Friday by foundimagination
Oh, my brain.  What is your deal?

My dream last night / early morning...

I'm going to the gym for the Bollywood dance (aerobics?) class (which, no, my gym doesn't have one) and I'm running a little bit later than I'd like.

Which wouldn't be a problem but I still have to change for the class because I'm wearing my regular (work?) clothes and carrying my gym clothes.

Except all the change rooms (it's like a department store change room area) are closed or locked or something and the whole place is dark because all the other girls either got there early or already changed and I feel stupid for not being changed.

And then I find one room to try to change in except it's a medical exam room and I'm pretty sure I can't change in there.

But seriously, Bollywood dance class?  Not able to get changed?

What's going on brain?  What?

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Never A Fan

I have never been a fan of change, which is unfortunate, seeing as it's the only thing that constantly, constantly happens, no matter what you want.

So I was thinking ahead to when Jay and I meet (and hopefully get along like a house on fire... or at least a house that is incredibly warm and prone to possibly small fires starting in the next while) and he's back in town, we won't, as far as I can forsee, probably have chats anymore.

Like, email chats and whatnot.  And I'll miss that.

It's weird to think that maybe once he's back we won't email each other all the time or sit down and have a chat.  And I guess that'll be replaced with phone calls and time actually together, but still.  It's been nearly four months.  I'll miss that.  It's become part of my day, part of my routine.  Wake up and see if he's emailed, or if he's online for a chat.... that might not happen once he's here.

I suppose it might, I know I'm jumping ahead into a future that doesn't exist yet, but still.  Change is coming, one way or the other, and it always makes me miss what I had, or have right now.

Sigh.

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Go Figure

Gone But Not Forgotten (Kind Of) by foundimagination
So guess what I learned today?

You can blow dry your hair backwards.

Or, at least, I can.

See, I'm trying to grow out my hair.  Well, not grow it out so much as grow it longer.

My hair's been pretty much the same length for what feels like forever, and I want to try it longer, see if I like it.  But it's taking SOOOOOOOOO long to grow.

But I've been told that's just my not seeing it, or something.

(But seriously, why does weight go on so fast and take forever to come off and hair grow so slowly?  Sigh.)

So anyway, I'm growing my hair longer and had to grow out my bangs (fringe, whatever) and I went in yesterday for a trim.

I told her it was really annoying me and I wasn't liking it and pointed out the stupid cow lick like thing it was doing.

She made a couple of adjustments on the cut and when she went to blow it try I said, well, I have to watch what you're doing to learn the tricks.

Now, I'm not really a girly girl and so I wash my hair at night before bed and blow it dry otherwise it's so thick it won't dry on its own.  And because I just want it done, I tend to just flip my head over and blow it dry that way for a while and then just wave the blow drier around until everything seems dry.

And I end up with weird cow licks and I just kind of go... meh.  I don't like my hair.

Turns out my hair is "very responsive" and will "do whatever [I] tell it to" and so by blowdrying from the bottom up, I've been telling it to look stupid, instead of holding the blowdrier over my head and drying from the top, as my hairdresser gets to do.

Apparently I've been blowdrying my hair backwards.  Or upside down.

Certainly in the wrong direction.

Guess I'll have to be a little bit less lazy until summer's here and my hair has a shot of drying on its own.

The things they don't tell you when you're in school, eh?

Monday, 18 March 2013

A Different Way

I feel like I have an opportunity right now to do things differently.  To love in the way I've always wanted to love; without fear... open and free.

I have gone through a lot since the last time I was in a relationship, I really have.  Perhaps the changes weren't obvious here, or perhaps they were, but didn't come out the way they felt inside.

The closest I've come to being in a relationship since Smith was Bird, really, and those were both five, probably even six years ago.

I've grown so much in that time.  Looked at so many things about myself that didn't work, worked at changing so many things that made me unhappy.

Am I perfect?  Fixed?  No longer in need of growth? 

No.

But am I the same person who was broken by Smith, all those years ago?

No. 

I feel like I'm closer to myself.  I know I love myself and like myself in a way I didn't know about back then.

I also know I can get through anything.  I already have.  And I've talked and cried and pushed my way through some very old hurts.  Things I didn't really know about, fully, until right around the time Smith and I were falling apart for the last time.

Bird was part of that, that healing, in his own way.  And the few crushes or hopeful dates I've had since all pushed and propelled me forward. Change sucks.  It does.  Growing, working through your issues and your baggage sucks royally.  Completely.

I have hurt so much these last years, but grown so much stronger through it all.

"In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer."

Going through all that, and not being done, but being further, being stronger, being more human and more... me, leads me up to this point of being at the brink of a new relationship.

A relationship with a man who has, so far, shown himself to be in possession of so many of the qualities I am looking for and value in a partner, a lover, a friend.  And being at this point makes me want to do it all differently.

To not come from a place of fear.  To not hold myself back from loving because of all the things that might go wrong.

To not hold myself back from holding, or asking to be held because of anger or uncertainty.  To remember to breathe, and to live this new love from that place.

That calm place of connection and centeredness.

Will it be that easy?  To just want to do things differently and.... boom, it'll all be smoothly and easily that way?

I'm sure it won't be, but I think knowing where I've been, and where I want to be and where I believe I can be will give me that intention, and that may be even more than half the battle.

I am in a different place this time.  Now.  And I want to live this relationship from that place.

A different place.

Without all the garbage that likes to tell me how to feel and think and be and act.

Without fear.

As much as I can.

Saturday, 16 March 2013

Credit

Brightening The Day by foundimagination
One of the things that just sort of slipped back into my mind was what S said when I first told her I was getting to know Jay.

She'd asked what was new, and I told her about Jay and that I was really enjoying getting to know him and that I felt that we had a lot of potential.

She was really happy for me, and then she did a sort of virtual happy dance (we were chatting on line at the time) and said you know, if things work out with Jay and you, you totally owe me!

Which, I guess I had forgotten!

You see, it was S who signed me up for the online dating site, whenever ago, while I sat next to her with a glass of wine, shaking my head and cringing.

Even if Jay and I don't click in person (oh please, let us click in person!) or if we do click but things don't work out long term (oh please let them work out long term!) I've still enjoyed these past few months getting to know him and feel giddy and happy and all those good feelings that come when you start a new relationship.

Jay and I will be re-starting a new relationship in a lot of ways, maybe in all ways.  But that doesn't mean that what we had over this time at this distance wasn't its own thing and didn't have meaning, because it did, and I know the two of us will always have that and treasure that no matter what happens.

So, yes, S gets the credit for Jay and I even knowing each other exist, because without her, I would most likely never have opened a profile on that site.  And I probably wouldn't have gotten through a lot of the last few months quite as sane as I have with her advice and thoughts.

You never know what's going to lead you in a different direction, so sometimes you just have to trust your friends and give them thanks and credit where it's due!

Here's hoping I owe S big time.

Friday, 15 March 2013

Stoppit!

I keep having to stop myself from thinking.

Ok, I should really be more specific, shouldn't I?

I keep having to stop myself from thinking about how it might be when I meet Jay.

Will I smile?  Will I want to cry?  Will I feel nervous?  Will I just feel happy?

Will I reach out for his hand, or will we give each other a hug?  Will we sit down close to each other or will we feel more comfortable with personal space?

I get a silly look on my face when I think of certain things, like hand holding, or maybe even kissing or hugging or cuddling, but then that train of thought quickly leads to, well yeah, but what if not?

What if... and all the bad, not so happy things happen?  And so I just have to kind of not go down the thinking road at all.

So there's a lot of me yelling at myself inside my head to STOP! going on right now.

Which, really, is kind of amusing in its own way.

But, yeah.  Shhhhh, brain, shhhh.

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Seriously

Ready by foundimagination
I know it seems ironic... or something... to write this after yesterday's post about how my brain is full of many many thoughts, but still.  It is.  And so...

While I'm trying to keep myself on an even(ish) keel while counting down until the time when Jay and I can finally actually meet in person for realsies, I do occasionally slip into happy, giddy, I can't help but smile over it day dream type thoughts.

Like, I was sitting here just thinking about how it might be when we meet, and if we come back to my place to sit and chat and how that might turn into us cuddling on the couch.

And then my brain, being my brain, starts to think... do I even remember how to cuddle?

Like... it's been so long! (says my brain)  How does it happen?  What do I... do?

Do I... lean up against him?  Or beside him?  Or like... ARGH?

And the argh is usually the rest of my brain going seriously?  We're thinking about this?  We're WORRYING???? about this?

And then half of my brain shakes it's head at the other half of my brain which is actually still just trying to figure out the logistics of it all... because that's what it does... for better or for worse.

And so I end up sort of pep talking myself into remembering that I get hugs/cuddles/whatever you want to call it from my parents whenever I want them, and that Bird and I figured out the whole cuddling thing just fine and I'm sure it'll just work out.

But then some half of my brain (I'm never really sure which one) starts thinking about how nice it will feel and how it's always cool when you have your head on someone's chest and you can hear their heart beat and won't it be neat to hear Jay's heartbeat?  And then the other half of my brain is somewhere between wanting to roll its eyes and giggly and then a smile sneaks onto my face and I just kind of go with it for a  moment before the Cher part of my brain sort of gives me a "snap out of it!" mental slap.

And then I start thinking about being just back on the couch sitting with him and maybe he'll reach out and take my hand and then my brain and I get all giggly again and the Cher part sort of rolls its eyes and gives up.

No, seriously. 

I worry about not remembering how to cuddle.

Or I at least ruminate about it.

*shakes head at self*

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Am I Really Different?

Sometimes I think I'd like to just pop into someone else's head, just for a moment, to see if it sounds any different from how it sounds in my head.

Like, does everyone have a million things spinning in their brain most of the time?  Or is that just me?

I didn't always wonder about this, but the other day, Jay and I were (video) chatting, and he asked me what I was thinking.

I told him the first five things that popped into my head, really surface level thoughts... "I wish I hadn't eaten that last orange candy because I have none left.  Where did my other black sock go anyway?  I'm not sure about such and such at work.  I wonder when Steve will email me back.  I'm glad it was sunny today." and then I stopped.

I didn't even get into the bigger, deeper thoughts, the where is this relationship going to go, where is my life going to go, I hope my parents are ok, what will I do when they're gone, I bet I'll miss them a lot, kind of thoughts.

And even just telling him those few thoughts I had, maybe not quite half of the ones spinning in my brain at that moment, he seemed taken aback.

"Woah. That's a lot."

Which made me pause.

"Why, what are you thinking?"

"Nothing."

Man.  If that's how some people go through the day?  Having moments of thinking pretty much nothing?  Does that make me .... really weird?

So now I just want a few moments inside someone else's brain to see if I'm the rule or the exception.

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

Time

Oranges and Lemons by foundimagination
I don't remember how many weeks ago (one?  three?) but Jay and I were discussing his work projects and when he might be returning back here.

He'd initially thought one date, and I got excited for that, and started counting down the days, and when I told him about my countdown calendar, he gingerly told me that it was looking like it might actually be two weeks later than that.

I was totally bummed.

Like, I just wanted to sit and cry, I had been so looking forward to our meeting, and now here it was, probably to be delayed... again.

Jay's flying to see his family in Ontario at the start of April, and so I resigned myself to the fact that he'd get back into town at the later date, be too jetlagged to meet, and have to fly out the next day, and so we wouldn't really get to meet for another entire month.

I was disappointed to say the least.

A few days after, though, he told me that it looked like things might not be the longer date, but that he wasn't sure yet.

I didn't let myself get excited.

I think somehow, having resigned myself to, well, there's nothing I can do about it either way, I just marked off two days on my calendar as "Jay might be home?" days and started counting down to the furthest away date.

I'm still not quite ready to let myself trust it, seeing as we all know how work projects can suddenly change or need re working or etc. etc. but it's maybe kind of sort of starting to look like he might be here... not too long from now at all.

Time is weird.

When we first started talking, it was a random amount of time until we could meet, and so it didn't matter quite so much.

And the closer it got to when he might return, the slower and further away it all seemed.

February? 

Longest month ever.

March so far?

SO SUPER FAST!

And now that I can maybe almost count the days until we meet on my fingers?  It seems like it's almost too close.

Which is why I try to just distract myself, while secretly still counting down the days.

And, now I think I shall sing me some Steve Miller Band.  Later skaters.

Monday, 11 March 2013

Awesome

We had a staff social (that I'm not allowed to tell you about, because then I'd have to kill you) a few weeks ago and one of my awesome co-workers really enjoyed herself, and I offered to give her a ride home.

As we drove towards her place, she decided she needed to give me some (slightly drunken) advice.

Which turned out to be awesome.

Victoria... Victoria?  I have to tell you something.

(I was worried at this point that it was going to be something I didn't want to hear.)

Ok, sure, go ahead, I can't wait to hear it.

Victoria?  I know that Jay is coming back soon.  Might be date X, might be date Y, but he is coming back soon.  It's D day.  Right?

Right.

Ok, so.  You see.  I have to tell you something.  There has to be a sexual attraction there.

Ok.  Sure.

Because, you see.  I've been married for 23 years.  And I still want my husband's (censored) !

Awesome!



Because, seriously.  Not only is that awesome advice?  It's awesome that she (they) still feel this way, and awesome to know that she's still happy and that, well, anyway.  I thought it was awesome.

You go girl!

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Finally!

Laundry Money by foundimagination
I was, genuinely, honestly excited when I got my latest piece of spam email.

You see, I'm kind of bored of the usual "enlarge your manhood" emails, and the casino ones don't even get read anymore.

The hot hot girls who can't wait to talk to me also just go straight into the spam bucket, but this last one?  Oh, this last one I actually read.

You see, a really rich guy from Nigeria finally emailed me!

And he has all this money that was left to him, something to do with the royal family or something?  And he thought I seemed like a nice person and he wants to give it to me!

And because of the exchange rate or something to do with the banking system there, he just needs me to send him some money in order to get things going!

You guys.  I never actually believed this email existed.  That it was real spam.  I just thought it was used as an example.

But.  I finally, actually got the email, and I was totally stoked.

I'M GONNA BE RICH!

I promise not to forget you when I am y'all!

Friday, 8 March 2013

Vince, Vince, Vince

I had another, uncomfortable-making text conversation with Vince last week.

He apologized the next day, said there was no excuse, but still...

He asked me if I'd be more comfortable with him coming over if Jay wasn't coming home soon.

I told him it made no difference to me.

He asked if we couldn't pick the conversation back up about ... what we talked about. 

I told him no.

He said he wasn't wanting to act on it, just talk about it like we had, like two adults.

I told him no.  It wasn't fair to his marriage.

He said things aren't always black and white.  But that he'd drop it, sorry.

I think, honestly, I'll feel more comfortable when Jay is in town.  Not that it'll make any difference to me, but maybe it'll make a mental difference to Vince?

I don't know.  Like I said, he apologized for it the next day, but I feel it was inappropriate for him to bring it back up at all, and I really wish he'd deal with whatever is or isn't going on in his own relationship.

It makes me sad that they seem to be so unhappy but don't seem to be doing anything about it.

Or at least that's how he presents things.

And I just listen and nod and tell him I think he should talk to his wife.

And it's what I'll keep saying until he listens.

Shrug.

Thursday, 7 March 2013

Off A Jet Plane

And They Said It'd Be Rainy! by foundimagination
One day last weekend, when Jay and I were discussing his likeliest return dates, he asked if I would want to meet him at the airport.

"Would you want to meet me at the airport... or maybe that would be too weird?"

And I said, that if he needed me to, I could certainly pick him up, but that yes, it might be a bit too weird.

And the reason I know this is because I vividly remember how weird it was picking up Smith at the airport the time he came back to visit.

(I don't think I've told this story before... I started looking through Smith archives to see if I had, but that just bummed me out, so I stopped.  Sorry if I'm repeating!)

What's awesomer, is that when I went for a walk with my friend this weekend, I told him this story of the awkward airport meeting, and he had an almost identical one from when he flew to Australia to meet his long distance... whatever you call it.

So I'd met Smith once or twice, maybe even thrice, and that last night, we went on a date, got together and became a couple.  (Um, yeah... ahem.  Hush.)

We then talked and emailed every day for the next month or so until he was able to take some time to fly out.

So we'd met, and I knew what he looked like, and we'd grown very close over the phone and whatnot, but when he stepped out of the doorway thingy, my first thought was "Oh.  That's what he looks like?"

I was weirdly disappointed that my brain had remembered him as much more attractive than he was in person. (I mean, he was still attractive, don't get me wrong.)  But he was, suddenly, a stranger all over again.

Despite all our deep, whatever, conversations, I'd only spent a few hours with this guy and suddenly he was right there.  And we needed to go to baggage claim.

And... what... were we supposed to say to each other?

I was so shy and it felt so awkward.  Should I hold his hand?  Did I want to kiss him?  (I imagine we kissed, but I don't remember it.)

And then there was the car ride home.  Small talk to be made.  And then knowing that no matter what, this guy was coming to stay in my place.  In my bed even.

This... stranger.

It was weird.

Not that things didn't settle down and become more comfortable, but that initial airport meeting?  Weird.

My friend told me he had almost the identical experience when he got to Australia.  A very awkward sense of, man, I know this person intimately through our conversations, but now that I'm here, we really are strangers.  And... what do you say to a stranger who isn't a stranger at all?

So.

How was your flight?

Apparently the car ride home was nearly an hour and he kept wondering when it would end.

On the plus side, he did say that once they got there, and, jumped each other, things felt natural pretty quickly.  (giggle)

I think what I ended up doing with Smith was just telling him.  Like, telling him that it felt really weird and that I didn't know what to do with myself.

I don't think we jumped each other, certainly not immediately, but I guess we worked through it somehow.

But, yeah.  I would rather that the airport not be the place where I first meet Jay.  I think it'll be weird enough to meet the first time without having to be in that particular space.

(Or maybe it won't be weird at all, what do I know, really?)


Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Phantosmell

Ok, so you guys always figure everything out.... so here's another one for you!

I have a spot in my apartment where I sit most of the time.  It's a couch, (why do I now feel like saying "duh"?) and it's by my windows and my head is at the end where the open window is.

Even when Vince visits, he doesn't sit on this couch (and yes, I have a reason for pointing this out) as it's really more of a lounger and there's no back to it, just the one... end.

So every once in a while (probably only in the evenings, when I think about it...) I'll be sitting there and I'll get a huge whiff of cologne.

Now, I don't even wear perfume, and my shampoo isn't manly smelling, so I have no idea where this scent comes from.

The clothes I wear on this couch are my loungy pyjama type clothes so it's not like I've worn them to work and hugged someone wearing cologne.

I suppose I could have hugged Vince while wearing the hoodie, but he hasn't been by in weeks and the scent isn't consistent.

So, oh you clever peoples, where is this smell coming from and why and how?

Fix it!  Help me!  I feel crazy not knowing.  (Well, crazier than usual I guess?)

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Which Way?

My Brain by foundimagination
I feel like I've said this before, but if I haven't said it before I've certainly thought it before.

I don't know if I should be fighting against who and how I am, or accepting it and working with it.

And I know it's not that black and white (one of my issues, needing things to be black and white) like of course there are things about me that I can constantly work to improve or better, but I mean, if I'm (as I am coming to accept I am) an anxious person, do I try to fight that and push against the anxiety, or do I accept that that's how I am and work around it.

Or is that the same thing?

If I get very excited about things, and then equally disappointed if they don't work out, do I try to make myself stay on a mellower level, or do I just roll with it and know that if I have a happy excitement, I might also have to deal with a sad low?

If people frustrate me, certain ones, do I just snap at them when they push me too far, or do I take deep breaths and try to let their meanness slide off my back?

I'm sure there is another way to be, and I know others whose minds don't run a mile a minute like mine does, but do I try to be more like them or just accept that this is how I am, and I'll never be that way?

I could go on and on, really, and I think, at least with the mind-spinning, I feel it's a battle worth keeping up.  A good fight, worth fighting, so to speak.

Perhaps that's part of what I need to remember too.  That because life is NOT black or white, it's not a matter of fighting until I get to the goal, but a matter of constantly making sure I'm pointed in the right direction.

I don't know, some days are better than others, and right now my worry stick is pretty full.  (Ok, that didn't make sense but I'm not going to change it, cuz I like it, so just roll with me here.)

Like, I guess you can't ever reach perfect calm.  You can only just keep practicing getting closer.

And stuff.

Monday, 4 March 2013

Ok

I'm writing this after the fact, so I'm calm now, but I had a nice little panic freakout yesterday.

It went exactly like this:  "What if Jay doesn't like me?"

I mean, not in a "Oh my life will be over if he doesn't like me" way, but more in a  "Oh crap, I do not want to have to have that awkward conversation where he has to sit me down and tell me he doesn't like me I would probably shrivel up and die and holy bleep this could be so embarrassing."

And, I mean, I could rehash all my fears about it here, how I'd feel utterly cringe worthy, and then would have to tell people it didn't work out and then have to realize that it didn't work out because while he liked me from a distance, once he actually met me, in person, he didn't like me and crap that might be worse than anything else, but I don't really want to rehash all my fears because I just want them to stay away as much as possible, or maybe completely.

It was good timing though yesterday, when I was freaking out, because my friend texted me to go for a walk and we got out in the sunshine and I told him all about my freakout and he let me babble.  And then I texted a few other friends and they told me not to worry, of course he'd like me.

And, really, that's what I needed to hear.  Because I don't need a reminder of the possible "reality check" reality negative ending, I'm good on that myself.  My brain comes up with those, like, all the damn time.  I just need, like... calmed down.

Do I believe my friends?  That "of course he'll like me?"

Not... all the time.

But the fact that they say that makes me stop and take a deep breath and calm down enough to go on without the panic making me feel like I can't breathe.

So that's going to be my focus for the next little while... the next... couple of weeks? (gulp) until Jay gets back here and we have a chance to meet in person.

To... not think about it too much, because when I do, I freak out, and that's no fun at all.

Sure, I'll be nervous when we do finally meet up, but I don't want to a) be nervous all the days until then, and b) be so so nervous that I'm nowhere near myself when we meet.

So.... yeah.

Staving off the freakouts.  That's the plan man.

And right now?  I'm ok.

(Ish.  Writing about it didn't help the calm.  Duh)

Saturday, 2 March 2013

Ideas

Again by foundimagination
I want to hear what you've done for yourself lately.  What little, or big thing have you done to be good to yourself?

Like those flowers.  I bought those for me.

Because they're pretty and I like looking at them and because I can.

(And then I also have something pretty to take a photo of too so it's a double, no, triple bonus, really.)

So what about it?  What have you done for you lately?

(Whoops, now I'm singing Janet Jackson.)

Friday, 1 March 2013

And

Just like that it's March.

And the time change is coming SO soon.

And Spring is right around the corner, even though we've kind of had it here for a while (and never really got a winter after all.)

It's one thing I notice doing Project 365, time just passes, no matter what you do. Even, I suppose, no matter how difficult the time is, or how long the days feel, it happens anyway.

And we're already into the third month of this year that I swear just started yesterday.

(And if I weren't purposely not mentioning it, I'd point out that it's been a long three months since I first started talking to Jay, and that three months ago I was so utterly nervous to meet him, and now that it's...closer... I'm just excited. Not without some nervousness certainly, but more excited than anything.)

(At least today)

(Good thing I'm not mentioning it though.)

Happy March y'all.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2017 and then some.) Kay? Kay.