Saturday, 29 June 2013

Cheer Me Up?

Ok, North Americans... what are you doing for your Canada Day long weekend or your Fourth of July?

And non-North Americans, do you have any holidays coming up or fun things planned? 

Give me happy, people?

(Please?)

Friday, 28 June 2013

It Should Have Ended With Love

Pacific Northwest by foundimagination
I'm sorry, I know I seem stuck on this, but I didn't think things with Jay would end like this.

I mean, there were points where maybe I didn't think it would end well.... I remember telling him that if we split up, I wouldn't still be his friend.  But that was early days, and when we got to where we were by the end of May, there was just so much love between us I couldn't see it ending badly.

I wasn't sure the long distance thing would work out, or that we'd (he...really) be able to maintain it, but I thought, at worst, we'd have a sad split, and would stay in each other's lives.  Sharing, talking, keeping up.  Maybe even seeing each other.  Having a weekend together that I'd then regret because it would hurt too much and I'd cry too much.

I never expected this.  That seems to be making it hurt worse somehow.

I guess because the love we shared suddenly doesn't seem to matter to him.

Which makes it seem like maybe it never did.

Which makes me sad.  Because it mattered to me.  And I felt it.  And meant it.  And I know we shared it in moments.

I miss us.

Thursday, 27 June 2013

The Time Warp And The Missing

In one way, I find it hard to believe it's nearly the end of the month.  That Jay left twenty six days ago.  That we haven't spoken in weeks.

But in other ways, these have been some of the longest (work) weeks...ever.  I swear, the last two weeks, I've woken up in the middle of each night being so happy it's Saturday.  Only to discover it's only Monday.   Tuesday.   Wednesday.  Etc.  Etc.  Seriously.  It's been brutal.

I keep doing these things that mentally exhaust me too.  Hung out with my travel mates for Burning Man again this weekend.  (Good, but exhausting.  I'm tired out by being with people I don't know well.) 

And then I went for dinner at a colleague's house that I don't know very well.  (They've been to Burning Man and heard I was going and invited me over to chat about it and answer my questions and show me pictures.  So sweet of them.)  And it was tiring.  But, fun.  And good too.  But tiring because I was nervous about it before hand.

Sadly, each time I came home wired and tired from these visits, I wanted Jay to be here.  I wanted to just lie down on the couch and be quiet together, holding each other like we've done so many times.  I found that so centering and calming.  It really was the most wonderful thing for me.

And I'm missing it a lot.

I think maybe I'm more of a pack animal than I realize.  And a roommate's not the same as living with a partner, so that's not something I'd want.  It's the living with someone where their presence makes everything better.  Even if it's just reading, or doing your own thing separately in the same room.

But mainly it's the touching.  And, yes, I mean the non-sexual touching.  The closeness, the loving touching.

I'm missing that so much.

So much that I try not to think about it when I can.

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Just More Thoughts

Delicate by foundimagination
The other day, as I found myself in the kitchen, still stuck in that place of missing Jay being here I thought how hard it must be to be widowed.

I mean, I guess a divorce might have that same sense of missing that person being around, but to have lost them completely?  Must just be devastating.


Because, yes.  I miss Jay being around my apartment very much.

I hope that some day I'll just look back on it fondly for the loving, happy time we had together, but it's hard to do that right now, I'm still sad over who he turned into, and who I hope he isn't.

Like, people keep saying "oh, you deserve better" or "he's clearly a jerk" and I just don't want to believe that.  What he did was jerky, and I do not deserve to be treated that way, but I still hope that was just an anomaly, and not who he is.

Or something.

Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Wondering

Something I was wondering this weekend was if my extra blue not so fun mood/feeling was partly (or very much-ly?) due to what I ate/drank.

Friday, a friend asked if I wanted to go sit on a patio in the sun and have a drink to celebrate Solstice and Summer being here.

I really hardly drink anymore as it hasn't agreed with my stomach in a while, but I figured a mojito wouldn't hurt and my stomach was fine and all in all it was a nice evening in the sun.

But I woke up blue on Saturday, and it's something I think I maybe noticed last time I had a drink.  Alcohol is a depressant, and the last time or two I've had a drink, my stomach hasn't liked it and I've been blue the next day.

So that could have been part of it.

And then even though I went out into the gorgeous sunny Saturday weather, I was still blah, and so it seemed like a good idea to get a Slurpee and Doritos for lunch.

Woke up Sunday morning still yucky after a dream where Jay and I were happily back together in bed waking up together, and so I started the morning off with a Cadbury's Creme Egg that I found in a dollar store last week.

So I felt like crap and I ate like crap and I wonder just how related the two are.  Or cyclical.  Or whatever.

Just.... blah.

I didn't even enjoy eating like crap because I felt like crap and I hope it doesn't rain all this week, because that's not very cheery at all.

Monday, 24 June 2013

Low

Source by foundimagination
I was pretty blue this weekend.

Not sure why, particularly... could be the exhaustingly busy work week.  Could be a sugar crash.  Could be I just felt blue.  But I was really missing Jay being here.

I suppose, really, I'm missing having someone I love living with me.

Missing having quiet time together, or doing something fun together (even though I did fun things with other people, it's still not the same as being with a partner, at least for me) and most especially, being close and cuddling.  Holding and being held.  Hugging.

I'm missing that a lot.

I would be missing it no matter who it was.  Jay just happens to be the one who was just here.  Just over three weeks ago since we last woke up in bed together, happy and quiet and loving.  And sad that he was leaving.

One of my friends asked me if we were still talking, as friends, and it hurt to have to say no.

I always figured that if Jay and I split up we'd still talk, still be in communication, but I haven't heard from him, which also makes me sad.

He'd always talked so much about how he's still close with his exes, still loves them, talks to them, etc., etc.  Guess I didn't make it into that group somehow.

Or maybe he's just too busy being busy and happy in Vancouver to think about anything other than himself.

No point in hashing it out, really.

Just wish there was someone here, with me, to love and hug and hold and share with.  I really really do.

Saturday, 22 June 2013

Burning Man

The photo that first introduced me to Burning Man, back when I first joined flickr in 2006 is no longer there.  The person who took the photo left flickr this year, but I remember the photo, distinctly, it was one of the first photos I ever favourited, and it was the first time I'd ever heard of Burning Man.

I'd always sort of vaguely wanted to go.  To see all the things I'd seen in the photos, and to see what all it was about.

But I never had an idea of how I'd go, or who I'd go with, and so it always just sort of slipped back into "some day."

Fast forward to early December 2012, and Jay and I are just starting to get know each other.  One of the first things that comes up is that we'd both like to go to Burning Man some day.

Maybe we should go this year.

Maybe.

He's the one who suggested it, actually.  "I know it's a long way away, and we may not even like each other when we meet, and maybe this will freak you out, but wouldn't it be amazing if we went to Burning Man together this year?"

Yes.  Yes it would.

And, yes it freaked me out, but it also brought "some day" into... "now."  And I saw the opportunity to turn what might never happen into something I should start looking into and thinking about and trying to make happen.

And at first, even the idea of going freaked me out.  Reading the masses of information about it freaked me out.  But I kept telling myself I didn't have to go.

And then tickets came on sale.

And we bought tickets.

Because of the time change, he ended up falling asleep right when we both got through the waiting period, and I ended up FaceTime calling him over and over until he woke up and that's how he managed to get a ticket.

And we were both excited.

"We're going to be Burners!" he said.

I knew I had a whole lot of freaking out to do.

And a mass of planning and learning and organizing and figuring out.

I told him a lot that I couldn't talk about it.  That not having met him quite yet and not knowing about Burning Man was just too much so we could talk about Burning Man once we'd met and I portioned out the amount of reading and learning I did, taking breaks when it was all too overwhelming, slowly acclimatizing myself, making lists, getting it sorted in my head.

Jay and I had been together for a while when he told me that his plan was to fly himself down to Burning Man.

This was news to me, as we'd talked about a road trip on the way down (I've booked a chunk of time off in August and he was planning to either be not working at all, or to tell whatever work he was doing that he needed the same chunk of time off) and I'd just, well, assumed that we were going to do the trip together.  And that we'd camp together, and experience it together, and have each other to share that first time with.

I asked if I could fly with him and he said no, explaining that the type of plane he'd be taking wouldn't allow for two people (it's a weight thing, and a space thing combined.)

We talked a lot about it, because it sort of exemplified our relationship in a lot of ways.  Jay did what worked for him, and didn't actually seem to care about what worked for me.  Without exception, any of my guy friends that I told about the "he's flying and doesn't care how I'm getting there" situation said that that was extremely lame (to put it politely) and that it was really uncool (my words, not theirs) in terms of a relationship.  I told him as much and he changed his tune slightly.

He said that of course if things worked out and he was still here we'd drive down together, and I was relieved.

But I still, in the back of my head, knew I couldn't rely on driving with him.

When I ended things with Jay, one of the concerns I had was how I was going to get myself down to Burning Man (for those of you not familiar with this part of the world, it's a ferry ride from here to the "mainland" of North America, and then apparently once you're over the US border it's something like 17 hours of driving if you take no breaks.  It's a long way. 1,187.4 km away, apparently.)

Now here's where things, for me *here* get a little tricky.  While Burning Man is a temporary city of 40,000 people, Victoria itself is a small city, and I'm guessing the Burning Man community here is even smaller.  And I'm sure it would be easy enough for me to mention that I met so and so or such and such and for that to somehow turn out to be someone who knows someone and then all of a sudden all the effort I put in to protecting my anonymity is poofed away and I lose the little privacy I have.  (Even if it's an illusion, I still like it.)

So I don't feel free to talk about Burning Man and what's going on with it or for it or the people I'm meeting or not meeting because I want some privacy around it.  Plus, it's not necessarily my business to tell.

So all I'll say is that there's someone I vaguely know, an acquaintance, who I found out through another acquaintance, is going to Burning Man this year with some of their friends and they've sort of said I can tag along.  I may drive with them, or I may drive "with" them, but it seems I may not have to do the entire 17 hours there and back all by myself.  I hope.

I met them this weekend and I think we'll get along just fine, although I'm sure some nerves may get frayed with all that time in close quarters.

For those of you who know much about Burning Man, or who know little about it but have ideas, or for those of you know know nothing, I just know that I'll be doing my own thing, and experiencing it my own way.  I'm not going to be ingesting any substances other than food and water, and I'm going to be keeping all of my clothes on.

Those are the stereotypical things people seem to believe about Burning Man, that it's a bunch of naked hippies running around on drugs, but with 40,000 people there, including families, and an average age of mid-thirties, I think that stereotype is going to be something I may witness, but not necessarily what makes up the experience.

I mean, sure, I may not end up going.  Things may change, I may choose to opt out at the last minute, I may not be able to go, who knows.

You may hear me talking about Burning Man a lot as I try to sort through all the freakouts and worries I have around it.  (And there are a lot, but I'm working through them and being an organizer helps settle them... a tiny bit)  And I know you'll understand if I'm vague about certain things, or people or whatnot.  It's certainly going to be a large focus of my mind over the next few months, for better or worse, so we'll see how much of that, if any, spills over onto here. 

I just know that I still wish, very much, that Jay and I were going to Burning Man together.  That things were still wonderful and we were still living together and in love.  And I wish that we were getting ready for a fun road trip down and a fun experience that we'd always have the memories we made together to share.  I really do wish that.

But I also know that if Jay had never come into my life, I would never have thought to buy a ticket on my own this year.  So Burning Man would still be a "some day" instead of a "well, you know what?  maybe actually probably possibly soon."

So.... yeah.

Friday, 21 June 2013

At Least The Days Are Long, And Filled With Daylight

Shored by foundimagination
It still hurts, you know.

I'm still crying at little things.  Big things.  Memories, moments. 

My body is still sick over it all.  Literally.  My body is all messed up, stomach especially.

And my sleep.  I've woken up RACINGLY full of anxiety a few mornings.  Or woken up sure Jay must have texted or emailed to see if I was ok.

My sleep just hasn't been deep, or settled, but that's going to come, has to.

Instead of the pain being so focussed on his character change, it's centered on the things I miss.  The moments I enjoyed, *we* enjoyed together, so much.  And sadness over them not being here anymore.

I miss him.  In some moments, I miss him so much.

In others, mildly so.

And in yet others, I scoff and roll my eyes at all the things he chose to give up, in those girl power, his loss kind of moments.

But they're still slippery, those moments.

And I'm not pushing anything, either way, I'm just saying it still hurts.  And I'm still sad.

And wish he was here to hug and hold and comfort me.

Thursday, 20 June 2013

Done

I've thought a lot about whether or not I would talk about what Jay did that so floored me, but I don't want this to turn into a Jay bashing forum, which it very easily could.  (Not that you guys are that nasty...but still.)

But I need to let it go, somehow and I also don't want it permanently recorded here because then I'd have to read about it at some point in the future.

Let's just say this.

When I've told people, anyone, what happened, none of them have wanted to believe me.

They've all said "What?" or gasped, or jaw-dropped.  It's hard to believe.

It was just so disrespectful, and from someone of his age, and seeming maturity level it was completely unexpected.

And, honestly, from everything I've known of him from the six months we got to know each other and then lived together, I never saw any sort of behaviour like that.  Not towards anyone.  Ever.

It was that .... odd.

I really wish it hadn't happened, but it did.

And as Ray Lamontange sang to me this weekend (at which point I actually stopped the song, and looked up the lyrics to make sure I wasn't mis-hearing, and then said "curse you, music" but in a "fine, I'll take my lesson" kind of way) "Yesterday is gone, yesterday is dead, get it through your head and walk away.  Yesterday is gone, ain't no use hanging on to a memory that only causes you pain."

... Like seriously Victoria, stop obsessing over what he did.  The memory of it, and you hanging on to that and playing it over and over in your head is just hurting you.  It's done. Move on.


Ray Lamontagne -  Gone Away From Me

PS Now that I've had a bit of space from it, I've tried to give Jay the benefit of the doubt somehow on this, but really, no matter which way I try to look at it, he was incredibly disrespectful and rude, and I don't think you treat anyone like that, but especially not someone you love, or used to love, or even care about. 

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Out Of The Mouths

By Any Other Name by foundimagination
I know they usually say that it's children who will say surprisingly insightful things, but this Sunday, when I was with my parents and told them that Jay and I (who they've never met) were no longer a couple, they both said something that while small, meant a lot to me.

I broke it to them differently, separately, and so when I was telling my Dad that the guy I'd been seeing moved to Vancouver and then kind of turned into a jerk when we ended things, my Dad said that that must be upsetting and hard.  And then he said that I needed to hold men in less esteem.

Which, honestly, when a girlfriend or guy friend says "guys are jerks" you just kind of shrug it off as them trying to be supportive, but lumping all guys into the same category has never seemed fair.  But for my Dad to say kind of the same thing?  Gave me pause.  Do I think too highly of men?

My Mom, when she heard that Jay had not been "nice" around the end of things, comforted me and hugged me and let me cry.  She said that it had seemed like he was a nice fellow.  I said he had been.  She said it seemed like we'd had a ton of fun together.  I said we had.   One of the things she said was that it seemed like I brought out the best in people.  She said my Dad's like that too.  But she said that it always seems like I bring out the best in people and so that when they're not with me anymore they turn mean.

I don't know if it's true, but it certainly helped me to think so.

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

This Weekend

This weekend was exhausting, but at the end of it, Jay was a little bit further away in the rear view mirror.

Or, perhaps more honestly, the way Jay acted last weekend felt further away, less in the forefront of my everything.

I went to a barbeque sort of lunch thing with people I didn't really know (way outside of my comfort zone) and that was completely exhausting, and then I hung out with a girl I sort of know and met her friends that I may be travelling down to Burning Man with, and that was exhausting too.

I also missed Jay terribly, as it would have been perfect to either have him along with me as a sort of comfort zone carry-along, or to come home to to de-compress and snuggle with after all that stress.

I went for a walk with my Dad Sunday morning for father's day and that was nice, and then I hung out with my folks for a bit and had a huge cry when my Mom asked me how it was going with "that fellow."

When I told her we weren't together anymore, she asked if he'd been "nice" about the breakup.  If he'd handled it well.  And, of course, that's when I broke down.

I hadn't wanted to.  They have their own things going on and don't need my troubles, but sometimes a hug from your Mom is just what you need.

It didn't fix anything, but I think it helped open some of the floodgates I've been holding shut through pure force of will and need to survive.

I think I just survived last week and now it's time to feel the hurt and cry it out and mourn and grieve the loss so I can move on.

And on that note, I only cried in public three times this weekend, so there's that.  No, wait... four.

I also lost it over Survivor, which, yes I know it's been over for a while (but no, don't tell me who won) but I wasn't watching it because I was hanging with Jay and happily busy, and so I was distracting myself and catching up on tv and I happened to be on the episode where the loved ones come and I always cry at that one but I really cried at it this time.

And, you guys... you guys have helped.  Really.  Your good thoughts and sharing your stories and sending me love and hugs and just like some of you said, knowing there are people out there, different places in the world wishing and hoping that I'll feel better soon really helps.  And makes me feel loved and cared for.

So thank you.  Very much.


Monday, 17 June 2013

So So

Will Work For Free? by foundimagination
Sigh.

Part of the problem with blogging right now is that the thoughts in my head are so so full and jumbled that I can't seem to sort them out long enough to put together a coherent... anything to do with how I'm feeling about everything.

It's still too much.

I'm inching towards being ok.  Like, I have more moments of being ok and feeling ok, but I'm still not there.  Still so hurt and confused and rattled and sad but more ok than I was.

Had an exhausting weekend, and need more sleep (which didn't come a lot this weekend) and wish I could just have a mental break from everything.

Yeah.

Friday, 14 June 2013

You guys, I just don't know what to say.

Do you ever, maybe it's just me, find yourself in a situation where someone has said something hurtful, incredibly hurtful, and it just plays over and over and over in your head?

That's where I'm stuck.

I mean, yes, had this ended differently, I would still be sad that it didn't work, and I would be going through all the usual tears you do when a relationship ends, but on top of all that, way way more then that, is me trying to get over how Jay was this weekend.  How he acted Monday night especially, and I just keep replaying it all in my head trying to figure out why.  And who that guy was.  And why he replaced the man I loved.

It's what keeps knocking me back to head between my knees, can't breathe, confusion and tears.

I just don't see how you can be so rude, so disrespectful to anyone, never mind someone you lived with and say you loved, and still, apparently love.

I just don't get it.

I really, really don't.

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Over

As The Crow Flies by foundimagination
Well, there's a first time for everything.

I don't even know what to say, I really don't.  There's so much I could tell you and write about but I can't talk about it right now without losing it.  Really, seriously.  Like, head between my knees to stop me from fainting.  I am so ....




This was my first time ending a relationship.  Which I guess is supposed to be a good thing.

But how it ended was awful.

Which hurts even more.

And I don't know how everything changed so drastically in a week.  I'm baffled.  And utterly shocked by him and how he handled everything.  Really, really stunned.  I've been in shock since it happened.  Honestly.

I don't know if I'll post anything more this week.

(And I'm not quite ready to hear how it'll all be ok, and how there's a great guy out there for me.  It was ok, and there was a great guy right here with me.  And then he disappeared and I have no idea what happened.)

This right now, isn't a day by day thing, this is a minute by minute thing.  And I'm not ok.
 

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Recounting

I don't know why, particularly, but I found myself keeping track of how each day went last week.  And I figured I may as well share.  Because, you know, that's what I do.  Pretty much.

Monday:  I was actually feeling a lot better today that I expected.  It helped that it was sunny, and supposed to be sunny for the entire week, and it helped to have work to keep me busy, but I felt pretty upbeat and happy.  The evening was hard, and getting home from work and him not being there was hard.  And I didn't really sleep Sunday night, but all in all, I felt a lot happier than I would have thought.  Jay and I tried to sort of watch Game of Thrones "together".  We started it at the same time.  I knew what was coming (had read the books) and wish we'd been able to watch it on the couch together so I could have seen his reaction.  He ended up having to stop before the end to finish his laundry so I watched the end on my own and then went to bed before he got back around to watching.   In some ways it was just back to normal.  I mean I've lived here so long on my own it's very familiar.  Doesn't mean I don't miss him, just that I guess I'm used to being the only one here more than I am to having him around.

Tuesday:  Didn't sleep much again, so woke up grumpy.  And blue.  And tired.  And unhappy.  Not so good of a day.  Jay's not enjoying his new place or his job and I just want him to quit it all and come back.  But that isn't going to happen so.... yeah.  Went for a walk in the sunshine at lunch, and then for a short bike ride after work and I think that helped my mood.  I felt better in the evening.  Wanted to talk to Jay, but that didn't happen.  I guess I could have called him, but he was frustrated and grumpy so I just let it be.

Wednesday:  Again with the not sleeping.  This is not cool.  I'm so tired.  So tired.  And that just makes it easier to be down.  Went for another sunny walk at lunch, just fifteen minutes but I think it helps.  Am also making sure I drink lots of water.  I filled an old juice container with water and mint and lemon and it's pretty yummy.  I'm still so so tired though.  I wish Jay was here so I could sleep.  That sucks.  I texted him in the morning and told him I wanted to talk.  We FaceTimed in the evening but he was building something for his new room and it just made me want to cry.  This has been the longest week ever and it's only Wednesday.  I feel like if I could get a good sleep in, I might feel better.  I wish we were making plans to see each other this weekend.  I wish we could sit and talk on the phone, but I feel like he needs to get settled in his place and that I should just suck it up.  I just want to talk.

Thursday:  Wednesday at work, someone asked me if I had allergies (my nose has been really dry yet sniffy) and I told her no, but that it felt like it this week.  She said she felt the same way, so maybe there was something in the air, literally.  I used my neti-pot, but nothing changed, so before I went to bed Wednesday night I took a Benedryl and I think I maybe slept better.  My nose certainly was better.  Not that that really has anything to do with Jay, except that I think I was in a bit of a better mood Thursday because of the slightly more sleep.   I had a cry and a talk with a friend Wednesday evening too and then a quick phone call with Jay.  Really wishing I was going to see him this weekend.  So want to just lie on a couch and hug.  Doesn't look like there'll be that much space in his new place, but I don't know.  Still trying to sort of let him settle, but wish he was here, or we were in the same space.  Not liking this.

Friday:  Thursday evening did not end well.  I was tired and crying.  Went to bed at nine.  Had to put something over my eyes because it was still light out.  I think I felt a little better, sleep wise in the morning.   Texted Jay that I felt like one of us should be getting on a ferry Friday afternoon.  He said that he was busy and in meetings.  I guess I could have gone over anyway, but didn't know if me going over would just be sitting by myself all day anyway.  Wanted to go over to at least have a night or two, some evening time.  He said maybe we could try for next weekend.  Tired again.  This was a long week.  Really not liking him not being here.  Bad end to the day.  Had a fun event here at my building so was up later, but happy.  Texted Jay who was still cleaning his new room.  We FaceTimed for a few minutes while he sorted and then he said, ok, well, I've got to go shower, bye.  And I was so mad.  Like, we haven't talked all week.  I had a bad week, I've had some really tough things happen and some good ones too and I just want to be in your arms and that's not happening and now you've told me I'll hate your place and that maybe even if I come to visit I should bring a cot and then you're like, ok bye.  I feel so unimpressed.  I tried to calm down and sent him a text saying, hey, look, I know you're busy and trying to settle and I'm trying to let it go but we haven't talked and you keep giving me maybe five minutes of your time and I'm really unhappy about it.  And I didn't hear back.  I went to bed feeling like maybe this isn't going to work and that it's already over.

Saturday:  Still nothing.  I don't know what I feel or think any more.  I feel like I have no good warm fuzzies to go on.  I feel like he's not trying, and I kind of knew that wasn't his strength but, really, if this is what it's going to be like?  I'm not sure there's anything in it for me.  I'm angry and frustrated and I feel lots of kinds of unhappy.  This sucks.

Saturday afternoon:  I emailed Jay my concerns over the lack of communication/sharing/etc this week.  I still haven't heard back.  At this point, I'm wondering if this week is all it takes to end this relationship.  If we only work if/when we're together.  And what would that mean?  I went for a bike ride and felt better.  Got a late afternoon text from him saying he was out at a BBQ, and that he had a job training opportunity he was pretty happy about for Fall/Winter.  These texts really made me feel like I was over it all, which I both understand and don't.  I emailed a friend and said "I think I'm done."  And then I started to cry.

Saturday evening:  I sent Jay a longer email, pretty frank, laying it all out.  Not sure if/when I'll get a response, certainly not sure what that response will be.  I don't think I'm over-reacting, this is one of those camel's back straw breaking kind of moments, which sucks.  This will suck royally if this week is the end of this, because when Jay and I are together, it's great.

Sunday:  Jay responded to my email at about 3am.  Well, he answered the email, but didn't respond to anything I said.  Basically, what he said was that he had a really good week, and that he's not feeling like he's lacking in any way.  That he loved being with me, but isn't missing it.  So, that stung.  But also, didn't address what I'd said about needing more communication.  Told him so.  Woke up Sunday morning to another short email saying that I wanted a long distance relationship and that I need more communication than he's able to give.  And that he's not able to give that right now.  I figured that was pretty clear and that I would call him to end things off.  I called, he answered.  Was just heading out the door and how would we find time to figure this all out?  Which is a slightly different tune than his email.  I told him he'd been pretty clear.  He said maybe we could talk later.  At this point, I'm going to close off this post.  I don't forsee a good ending to this, it's mid-day Sunday at the time of this writing.  I've watched Les Miserables, had a good cry (it's the musical I know best) and had a nap.  Now I'm going out for a walk and for groceries and I'm guessing later this evening I'll write out what did or didn't happen in another post.  Which I'm guessing will get posted tomorrow, or later this week, seeing as I do often do a fair bit of writing on a Sunday.

Monday, 10 June 2013

And Repeat

So Very by foundimagination
In the light of what's gone on in the last few days, this post actually doesn't make as much sense.  I wrote it last week just after Jay had left, and had it ready to be published today, as I thought I might be busy this weekend.  So I'm letting it stand, as the thoughts I had were valid at the time I wrote them.


This is going to have to be day by day.  One day at a time.

Because my mind wants to run down the road of bundling up everything into the future and how bad it might get or how difficult or sad or how it isn't going to be ok.  And that's not fair.

It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to my psyche.

So I have to, in those moments when I feel my mind trying to pull me into how this is all going to end badly and be a miserable time, just stop it, I have to not let it run away with that.

I have to pull myself back into, hey, I'm just here, right now, that's all that's real, the end.

And I just will have to keep doing that as many times as it takes, over and over.  Because if not, I start thinking about whether or not we'll see each other this weekend, and then I think about how probably not and then I wonder about why not and then I wonder when we might see each other ever again and it just snowballs and spirals from there and it's never good.  Ever.

So I just have to be just in today.

Only.

Saturday, 8 June 2013

Your Turn

What went well for you this week?

Friday, 7 June 2013

The Best Things

Bubbly by foundimagination
In the spirit of a What Went Well type of thing here is an incomplete list of the Best Things about Jay living with me over the last two and a bit months.
 
- the laughing (when we laugh at things, some of them best not shared online, it's genuine laughter, not the kind of laughing you sometimes feel you have to do at work when your boss makes an awkward joke at a staff meeting.... not that that happens because I don't blog about work, remember?  I don't remember the last time I was with someone where we would share such fun, silly times and where so much of what we did together would be so funny, or where we would laugh so much together.)

- the happy (see above, partially, but also moments of just being happy)

- the closeness (cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, being wrapped up together in bed or on the couch)

-the household chores sharer (Once Jay had started feeling settled here, I noticed that things started to get tidied without me having done it.  The dishwasher got emptied, and then one day the laundry got done.  The other week, I was cleaning and he asked how he could help.  My answer was at first "I don't know what I can trust you with" but then I realized, why turn down a genuine offer to help so I asked him if he could dust and he did, and it was awesome, the two of us puttering around the apartment.  I've lived alone here for so long, it's a delight to have someone else do anything, it really is.  One time, the toilet paper was low and I went back later and it was already changed with a new roll!  This guy is amazing.  And a really good live-in boyfriend.)

-the someone to do things with (This may be one of my most favourite changes since Jay moved in.  Instead of coming home from work, exercising, making dinner, getting ready for the next day, and then flopping down on my couch with my computer, we have a few hours of adventure in there.  Maybe a walk downtown, or a bike ride to the inner harbour, but always something exercise outside-ish and then the dinner and getting ready, and then maybe a show, or just hanging out, or some computer time and then bed.  It's also having that someone to go to an event with, or just someone to hold hands with while going to get groceries.  Having Jay here has made the mundane fun, and much more enjoyable.  And gives me someone to have conversation with.  And enjoy the experiences with.  And discover things with that I might not notice on my own.  And to pull me out of my usual routes and paths to find new places, routines, scenes and things.  Awesome.)

-the tv watching while hugging partner (I've hardly watched tv shows since Jay's been here since we find other adventures to have together, but every few nights we'll watch a show.  SoA, Walking Dead, Game of Thrones... and it's much nicer to have someone to snuggle with while watching, let me tell you)

-the someone to come home to (I LOVE coming in the front door and Jay coming to greet me and us figuring out what we're going to do with our evening.  I love, love, LOVE it.  So very much.)

-the someone to share sleeping with (Something I haven't been able to do with boyfriends for a long, long time.  I've never slept so well next to someone, it's amazing.)

-the er... [redacted]  (Blush. I don't wanna talk about it!)

-the adventure partner (I love all the things we've done together!  Little adventures around the neighbourhood, or bigger ones out of the neighbourhood, I love doing things and going places with him)

-the uplifter (The odd times I've said something negative about myself, Jay has stopped me.  "Hey, that's my girlfriend you're talking about."  And the way he looks at me, makes me feel attractive.  And the fact that he keeps telling me he loves me, makes me think that maybe he actually does.  He makes me feel better and happier and prettier.)

-the ability to have someone to shower love on  (Being able to show and share my love isn't something I really get to do in my life.  Being able to bring Jay a glass of water, or give him a kiss on the head as he's sitting at the table, or a squeeze on the shoulder as I walk past him as he works.  All those things make me feel full and happy and complete.  Being able to show and express and share my love with Jay has been wonderful.)

-the little things (Like when he starts the dishwasher when I'm at work because he knows I don't like the noise of it running.  Or when he tidies up the dishes after I make dinner, or the way he claps and smiles happily when I unlock the door after getting home from work.)

-the comfort (I feel really comfortable with and around him.)

-the fun (So much of it!)

-the ease (Of everything.  Everything between us is just easy.)

-the falling asleep and waking up (With him there next to me.  It's delicious.)

-the five minutes before work (When I've done everything I need to do for the morning but still have a few minutes before I need to leave, I go back into the bedroom and Jay opens the covers and I slide in next to him and he holds me for those five or six minutes until my watch beeps that I have to go.  And then I kiss him, wish him a good day, and smile at him, curled up in bed as I head off to work.)

-the we're really silly together (And all those things that I guess are inside jokes, but really that's only because I don't think anyone else would find it funny if I said "uh oh" or "triangle!" or "no" or a number of other things, but Jay would get it, and the two of us would start to laugh, or chuckle, or smile)

-the hugs (When I walk in the door from work.  When I'm looking a little blue.  When I'm brushing my teeth.  When I'm lying on the couch.  When it's time to turn out the lights.  When I need one.  When he wants to give me one.  Out of the blue.  When I bend over to take something out of the dishwasher.  [Ok, those aren't hugs, see inside jokes above, but still])

-the communication (since the beginning I was open with him, and he with me.  When I talk, he listens, and vise versa.  I'm not afraid to tell him anything, and even if what he tells me upsets me, I at least know he's being honest.  We've worked through some issues (fights?) that would have ended a relationship for me not that long ago.)

-the being there (I've really liked having his presence in my place.  Like, just having that other person there, hearing him move around or take a shower, or whatever it might be.)


I'm sure there's more.  Maybe I'll add to this post before it's posted, or after it's posted, I don't know.  I just know it's been awesome having Jay here, really really awesome.

Thursday, 6 June 2013

Dilemma

I feel like I need help with a dilemma that some of you may be more able to help me with than others.

See, I'd like to start to put myself out there a bit more, photography wise.

And by "myself", I mean my real name.  Or at least a less "anonymous" self.

I love the photos I have on flickr now, but they all link to this blog and I really want this blog to stay as far away from my life as it can, even if that's just a pipe dream and not realistic.

So what do I do?  Do I go through and take out all of the pictures from this blog?  Well, no, because there are already people who know my flickr account as being linked to this blog.

So do I start a new flickr account with my name, or the name of what would be a place to direct people or maybe even sell prints eventually?  But then what do I do with this account that I have now.  Keep it and just not upload anymore?  Flickr's changing anyway, and I may not keep my pro account....

I just don't know that I want to maintain two accounts.

I suppose I could start something else entirely, like a Tumblr photography page or a photography website, but it's still two photography based things to maintain, when I really just started uploading to flickr to put photos in my posts.  (Every second post, in case you never noticed the pattern!)

I don't know.  I just know that I wanted to enter a photography contest the other day and they asked you to link to your flickr account and I was all.... oh... well they can't find out who I really am....

So... thoughts?  Suggestions?  Ideas?


Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Or Something Inspirational Like That

Summer Begins by foundimagination
I often try to see these times of change that get forced upon me as opportunities to start afresh.  Kind of like another New Year or birthday, a clean slate in whatever way I feel like I need.

And since not having Jay around any more may make it easier to fall back into the things I did before he moved in, and may make me feel like I should be free to indulge my sorrows with my usual vices (bad eating, un-necessary spending, etc) I'm wondering if I can make this an opposite.

(On a slight tangent, Jay and I haven't broken up.  It's not as if he dumped me and I'm broken hearted that he doesn't love me any more, we still love each other, he still loves me, we're still... together.  Just not... together, like, living together.  So I try to remind myself of that.  And that I should enjoy having a good guy in my life, even if he's not home every night.  And that in the grand scheme of things, this is just a blip, and that I'm very lucky in my life. End tangent.)

The second day or so before Jay left, I had stressed and upset myself into a complete run down sicky.  I took a couple of days off work and while he sat at the table and worked from home (don't get me started on the rant of "if you could do it for a week, why can't you do it forever, because that rant doesn't go very far even though I understand all the things he can do and needs to do in Vancouver that he can't do in Victoria but, ok, deep breath) I systematically went through my junk food cupboard.

And ate it all.

Well, 95% of it anyway.

I keep saying how I'm unhappy with my weight and then stuffing my face with sugar.

And often I stuff my face when I'm miserable rather than, I don't know, suffering through the miserable without stuffing my face?

I've found I don't do well with cold turkey because I inevitably break the promise to myself and then figure since I've screwed up, I may as well just give up and nom nom nom nom nom.

But I thought that maybe if there wasn't all that crap lying around, and I was at least partially mindful of it, I could go through the sadness of him not being here and the nasty feeling of wanting to eat things I shouldn't all at once.

Like, I remember when I started my meal plan, and there were a couple of days of feeling hungry and miserable and grumpy, but then I kind of just got used to it and was fine.  And that lasted until Fall, when I somehow decided I needed treats at work.  And that then sugary treats weren't enough and I should have pretzels at work, and now it's ten pounds later.

So I don't know, maybe it's bad timing and I'll find myself at the corner store buying bags and boxes and containers of crap to "get me through" the worst of the "Jay's not here."  Or maybe not.

I also was reading through some get fit subreddits on reddit and someone mentioned how they don't drink anything but water and how that has made a huge difference.

I'm not a huge pop (soda for you USA-ians) drinker, but I do occasionally like some, but maybe I should try to just stick to water.  (Except for the odd time that water upsets my stomach, no seriously, and a 7UP settles it...)

I also do think I should probably try going off of dairy, but I so dislike the non-dairy drinks... and I do so enjoy cheese, so I don't know about that one either.

Sugars and I should really see less of each other though, that I know, but that's a really hard one for me.

But I feel like I may as well try.  A time of change... a time for change?  (Or something inspirational like that.)

Maybe?

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Wavy

For most of last week I was just wishing that my thoughts would stay in one place, one zone.

I told Jay, or maybe warned is a better word, that I'd be on a hair-trigger for crying last week and I was.  Any time I heard him tell someone "I'm moving to Vancouver at the end of the week" or when he changed his cell number or talked about packing, I'd tear up.

There was one moment where we were setting his alarm to remind him about something and I said, oh, you can just set it to repeat every day and he stopped, and looked at me... "Love.  I leave on Saturday."  And right there in the middle of the sidewalk I started to cry.

I have no predictions for how much or how little I may be crying this week or next or over the next months, I just don't know, but last week I was just wishing my thoughts would be consistent.

I'd have these moments of feeling just like, almost peace.  Let's just see what happens and what's meant to be will be and maybe this will all just work out perfectly and there's no point in worrying and being upset.  Those moments.

And then I'd all of a sudden be crying.

Or mad.

Or desperately wishing he wasn't leaving, that this was all a dream, that he would quit his job and come live with me forever and ever and ever and what's so wrong with that anyway?

It wasn't fun.  Especially outside of those calm moments, and I found myself wondering if that is why people go on medications.  To just even out the waves.

Or maybe that's why some drink... I don't know.

I just wish things weren't how they are, but life doesn't work like that does it?

Monday, 3 June 2013

I Tried

Pow by foundimagination
I tried, most of last week, to think of a witty, cheerful post I could create to put up now that Jay is gone.

(I didn't even want to type that... "gone", but anyway...)

So I kept trying to come up with a list of reasons it was good that Jay wasn't living here anymore.  Like, reasons it was good that he was no longer living with me.

But what ended up happening is that I'd think of something and then just get sad about it.  Like, "I can read my book more at night."  But then that would just make me think ... well, I can read my book more at night because it means Jay and I aren't in bed together talking or snuggling or whatever, so then I'd just get sad.

So in the spirit of trying to be... happy and light... the only reason I've come up with that it's better that Jay's not living here anymore is this:  I no longer have* to cover the noise when I go to the bathroom.

And... that's it.

Not much of a list, eh?





*I'm sure some of you are like, dude, you don't "have" to anyway, but I do.  Can't help it.  I just do.

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Pot? Kettle?

I just had one of those moments where you smack yourself in the face with a realization you kind of wish you'd never had in the first place.

There's a new person in our building and every time she parks her car she gets out and has a smoke.  And she drives a lot, so she seems to smoke a lot.

As she was stepping out of her car the other day and reaching into her bag for a cigarette I thought "man, it would suck to be so addicted to something like that."  And then I walked into the kitchen to stuff my face full of a sugary treat.

Oh.

Crap.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2017 and then some.) Kay? Kay.