Wednesday, 31 July 2013

A Brain Ramble

I Was Stuck Here From Just After Six Til Just Before Ten, So I Didn't Get Home In Time To Upload Yesterday. by foundimagination
My brain started mumbling to itself after I glanced at an article this weekend that said this expert and his team " had taken over the sophisticated navigation system on a super-yacht in the Mediterranean Sea." (This is not the original article I read, but the one that showed up when I googled trying to find it) So, basically, they hacked the ship, and steered it.

My brain mumbled to itself even more when I was driving on Monday to a new place I hadn't been to before and my GPS wouldn't pick up a satellite and I started thinking how there are some people who have maybe never driven using a map.

Like, at least I have done that and know how to do it so that when the ... whatever ... happens (zombie apocalypse, massive electronic data wipeout, I don't know) and I don't have internet or GPS, I still can pull out the map in my car and find how to get somewhere.

But, I wouldn't be able to roll down my car windows, because my car is all automated.

Which made me think about what would happen to people who own those cars that are super automated.  The ones that park themselves, or have back up cameras, or who knows what else.

Might there be a lot of people who will not know how to do things if things go weirdly wrong in some way?  Or, might there be some cars that break in some way that means the auto, this that or the other malfunctions and does something bad?

Like, I hate parallel parking.  I avoid it.  And if my car could do it automatically, I'd never ever do it.  But at least I could maybe try it myself if I had to.  Or, just drive around the block and walk a little further.

I don't know.  I just wonder about all the automation.  All the reliance on technology.

I mean, I was in a store the other day and their tills were down.  In fact, all the tills in all the stores of that particular company on the entire island were down for a good half hour.

They could do no business.

At all.

They were stopping us at the door.  "Sorry, we have no functioning way of taking your money so please go away."

I love me my technology, but I also didn't grow up with it at my beck and call, so I feel like I'd cope were it to stop working.

I feel like there might be some, maybe an entire generation who would not do so well.

And it's kind of a disconcerting thought.

Tuesday, 30 July 2013

Sad Face Emoticon

One of the... no.  The worst part about finishing an awesome book or book series or tv series is all of a sudden you don't get to hang out with those people any more and you miss them and their stories.

So boo to that.

Boo, I say.  Boo!

Any good tv or book series for me?

(Hmmm, I just thought... maybe that's why people watch soaps?  Because the characters just go on and on and on.  Unless they die.  But come back as their evil twin.  But then un-die but have no memory?)

Monday, 29 July 2013

Ahhhhhhh

I Guess People Needed A Lot by foundimagination
I had what feels like a massive weekend, but I'm happily not exhausted by it.  So, yay for that!

I made tutus.  Yes, you read that right, tutus.  Decided I wanted one for Burning Man (I've heard there's sometimes a "tutu Tuesday") and once I got into the fabric store I couldn't make just one!

Actually, I wasn't sure I'd be able to make one at all, but my friends showed me a method that involved no sewing and it was super easy and yay!

I've loved tutus since I was a little girl.  I still remember being in ballet class and at the end of the class the teacher would bring out the basket of tutus and it was the best thing ever.  How pretty!  Real ballerinas!  Twirl, jump, spin!

Awesome.

So, yeah, there were tutus.

And walks in the sun.  Maybe a bit too much sun as I have certain parts of me that are still a bit pink but seriously this summer's weather has been amazing.

I also am feeling way better.  Stomach isn't mad any more, just doesn't want to eat a full meal yet, but feeling so much better.  Should be back to normal today I think.

I also read a book in maybe a day and a half.  Kings of Cool by Don Winslow.  I absolutely loved it.   I mean, it's not the lightest of subject matter but just the style and voice, I adored.  It's a prequel to another book of his I really liked and I just ordered another one, but I'm not expecting to like the new one as much as it'll be new characters and I imagine a slightly different style, but we'll see.

So I loved that.  And then I got to nearly the end of The Wire (finally) and bawled my eyes out at the second to last episode's ending.

And I also got a tip off on a show, Orange is the New Black and I loved it so much I whipped through the entire first season this weekend too!

So I feel like I got a ton of great story telling, and did some fun stuff and created some cool things with my own two hands (!) and I got fresh air and sunshine and well, yeah.  A really great weekend.

Here's to many more just like it.

Saturday, 27 July 2013

Vraiment!

In the next edition of weird things that are happening to me...

At some point I must have watched a video on YouTube in French, or something.

Because now, probably half the time?  YouTube shows me ads in French.

And I find it really funny.

Friday, 26 July 2013

Hey!

The Way It Used To Be by foundimagination
Adriana has been sending me emails for years.

At least I think it's been years, it feels like it.

I'm not sure what Adriana wants, because I never get past the subject line of her emails.  "Hey!"  "Hi stranger!"  "Hi!"

I think Adriana thinks I'm a male.

And that I believe I was talking to a "hot chick" and now she's remembered me and sent me an email.

Again.

So I guess it's too bad for Adriana that her emails end up in my spam folder.

And that I'm not a male.

Or particularly gullible.

I wonder if she'd like to meet the guy who wants to set me up with the Prince in Africa's bank account?

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Gah!

So my phone completely freaked me out yesterday.

Like, seriously.

Usually my phone rings like a normal phone ring.  You know, Riiiiing.         Riiiiing.       Right?  Normal.

Or, when someone's buzzing for entry to the building it does two short rings instead.  RingRing.       RingRing.

But last night, my phone rang, but all weird and freaky!

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING.RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING.  Riiiiiing!  RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNG!

And when I answered it, nothing.

DID NOT LIKE!

Phone ghost, NOT OK!

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

It's Disappointing

She's A Brick.... by foundimagination
I reached an interesting frustration level with Jay last week, one that just further reminds me that I was right to end this long distance portion of things earlier rather than later.

Jay really does seem to have shiny object syndrome, so much so that I feel like he could be one of those guys they turn into a joke.  Like, a naked woman could be dancing in front of him but he'd be so focussed on what he's interested in, he wouldn't even notice.  Or he'd ask her to please move, she was blocking his computer screen.

I've been happy enough to maintain conversation with Jay via text.  To send him a hello or a funny thing here and there.  But I sent him one the other night, after a personally challenging couple of days, saying that I wish he was here and his response was, "do you know anyone who's coming to Vancouver this week?"

I thought that was a little bit of an odd response, because when we were first getting to know each other, very much long distance, or when we were together but away from each other, that kind of message would have elicited a different response.  A "just imagine I am there" or a "me too."

Now, granted, we're not together any more, so I figured that maybe this was his way of inviting me over to Vancouver.

I asked why, and it turns out he wanted someone to bring him a computer his friend was loaning him.  Was hoping I knew someone in Victoria who'd take it over to him.

I didn't.  And I was frustrated.

I started to think about how often Jay and I have talked (or really, I should say "talked") since he was last here and I realized that most of the time, I hear from him when I initiate the contact.

So I decided that wasn't even much of a friendship, and that I should start to put less effort into maintaining this "relationship", and so I left off texting him.

The next time I heard from him, he contacted me to ask for a favour.

I was really angry, but I thought maybe I was over-reacting. 

Was I extra mad because it was *him* asking?  Would I have been less frustrated by someone else asking?

Or was it because that's the only time he thinks to talk to me... when it suits him, when he has need of me, or the potential thereof.

I know he's really focussed right now, has a specific thing on his mind, but still... It's hard for me to keep seeing this side of him, and it makes me wonder if we would have lasted as long as we did if he hadn't been living with me, therefore making *me* the shiny object directly in front of him.

I don't know, I just know it hurts when you find out someone is less than you'd hoped they were.

But maybe that's the wrong way to see it.

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

Just Me?

One thing I always think when I'm watching tv shows is that I must really under-dress at home.

I mean, like, as soon as I'm home for the day, I can't wait to get out of my clothes, especially out of my bra and undies, and showered and into something comfy.  Namely pjs for the cooler months, and a sarong wrap for the warm months.

In tv shows, they always seem to just be sitting around their house in their clothes.  Or, rarely, really nice pjs.  But, like, nice clothes.  Regular clothes.

Does everyone do this?  Or just for tv?

Maybe I'm the abnormal one here.

Monday, 22 July 2013

Not For The Squeamish

Alien Booty by foundimagination
I'm going to talk about throwing up, so stop reading now if you're like me and hate everything about it.

I did not have a good Saturday night.

I mean, my Saturday had been fine.  A lazy morning, and then a few hours wandering up and down Moss Street for the Paint in.

I grabbed an ice cream for a very late lunch, and then came home and ate a sausage roll and strudel I'd picked up.  I had some delicious blueberries too, and then realized it was nearly four, and I hadn't had anything to drink that day.

I downed some water and had a little nap, and when I woke up I felt fine.  But then my head started to hurt a bit.

I had some more water and my leftovers from yesterday's lunch for dinner.  By eight or so, my head was really hurting and I could see that I'd gotten a bit too much sun on my chest.

I took a Tylenol and headed to bed.  Usually when I have a headache, an advil or something will sort it right out but this wasn't helping.  And then I started to feel nauseated too.

I really really don't like feeling nauseated.  I really hate it.

But I'm also usually pretty good at sleeping it off.

But this time I wasn't sure I could and got a bowl for beside my bed, but after a few minutes I knew I wasn't going to be ok and I ended up heading to the bathroom where I did, in fact, throw up.

A lot.

I can't remember the last time I threw up but it's so wrong.  It's such an unnatural feeling, so backwards and uncomfortable and unstoppable.

But I felt better afterwards, after I cleaned up, washed my face, and stopped shaking, so I took the bowl/bucket back to bed, downed a Gravol, and threw a cold cloth over my face to go to sleep.

Except I started feeling sick again, and, yup, sure enough, ended up back in the bathroom, throwing up all over again and feeling pretty miserable.

One of the things that was really really worrying me while I was feeling so ill was what I would do if this was happening at Burning Man.

I mean, it's one thing to be ill in your house, with your toilet and bathroom and hot and cold running water, etc.  And it still is awful.  And it's another thing to be sick in a foreign country, and be confined to your hotel room with, once again, a toilet and bathroom and running water.

What will I do if I feel that awful and I'm in my tent in the middle of a bunch of other crazy camping people who'll probably be loud and happy and partying and all I'll want to do is go home and feel better?

What will I do if I have to throw up and I can't make it to the... porta potties (omg)  or if I try to take a Gravol and throw it back up like I did the other night (and yes, I'm going to get the "other" kind, don't you worry.)

I just don't know how to handle feeling how I did in a place that won't be comfortable on the best of days?

I don't know, but when I was feeling so sick on Saturday, I really wanted to tell everyone that there was no way, no way at all, that I was going to go to Burning Man.

But, now that I'm feeling better (Sunday was a little touch and go) I'm just wondering how do I make sure I can handle it if I do end up feeling that ill while I'm there?

I mean... I can make sure I have something to throw up into (bag?) and the Gravol that you can't throw up (if you know what I'm saying, and I hope you don't) but I just don't know.  I couldn't stop thinking about it Saturday evening and night, and now I don't know how I'm going to survive if something goes wrong like that.

I don't even know what went wrong?  Did I pick up a flu?  Did I get too much sun and not enough water?  Did I eat something bad?  Were the blueberries tainted?  Did the dairy and gluten disagree with me?  I don't know.  If I knew, I feel like I'd feel better.

I've avoided the blueberries, but is it worth it to eat some more and see if I get sick again?

I don't know you guys, I just know I really really really really hate feeling nauseated and I hate, even more, throwing up.


Saturday, 20 July 2013

D'oh!

I feel kind of mean saying this because I like the people involved, but... I'm reading Admission right now and because I'm kind of obsessed with movie books or books that got turned into movies, I watched the movie (even though I usually finish the book first.)

But, you guys?  They totally, pretty completely casted the wrong two people for the leads.

As much as I like Tina Fey, she is so not the right person to be the character I'm reading right now.

I kind of even want to cover up the book's cover so I don't get confused every time I go read it.

Seriously.

Also, in other, unrelated news... I need to stop watching tv shows where people are having sex and being all raunchy.  Sigh.  Just sayin'.

Friday, 19 July 2013

Shoulda Known Better

Don't Lick Your Screen by foundimagination
So, apparently I'm not as smart as I should be sometimes, or maybe I just didn't think it through, but I ended up bumming myself out this week.

I picked up some summer reading and one of them was a light and easy chick flick type book that I whipped through in a couple of days.

It was an easy read, but I really did not like the premise (cheating with your best friend's fiancĂ© because you used to love him back in the day, very un-cool) but I remember seeing trailers for the movie and liking the cast so I decided to watch it anyway.  Despite not agreeing with glorifying cheating.

Anyhoo, proselytizing aside, the movie was fine (John Krasinski was adorable) but at the end of it I was pretty blue.  I was all sad that my happily ever after wasn't happening, and that just made me miss Jay terribly.

I wanted to text him and be all "I miss you" but I didn't.  And that was hard.  But I didn't because I know I wouldn't get the response I'd be hoping for and then I'd end up sad and disappointed and feeling stupid.

But, yeah.  Stupid Hollywood.  Stupid chick flick lit books.

I shoulda known better.

Thursday, 18 July 2013

Srsly

Comments is being weird.

I just don't know how, why or when.

For The Record

You guys?  I'm happy.

I mean, yes, I miss Jay, and I wish things hadn't changed, and I get sad about it here and there but really?  I'm happy.

And it feels really nice.

Part of it is having reconnected with Jay, in all honesty.  It means that things that remind me of him make me smile, rather than leave me feeling sad or bitter.  Or at least they make me happy before they make me sad.

I think the weather helps too, and feeling relaxed and stress free in general right now.

But, yeah.  I keep finding myself, these past few weeks having moments throughout the day where I think, hey, I'm happy.

And that just makes me even happier.

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Reticence

A Seat by foundimagination
I feel rather hesitant right now to be completely forthcoming about how I'm feeling about Jay.

I always do my best to be honest here, but I temper that with knowing that if I put something out there that others disagree with, I may be judged and that if it's something close and personal, it will hurt to be judged.  Although, as I said, it helps to soften things knowing that people just want to help, and to protect me.

I'm an overly sensitive creature, I know that, but still, it throws me off to have my heart batted around, and so I tread carefully for a while, keeping things closer to my chest than I might used to have.

And I have thoughts all the time.  Clearly I do.  I'm a thinking, feeling, and I suddenly wish I could remember my Myers-Briggs results because I'd throw them at you right now and say see?  I tested that way!

Sigh.

I don't know.  Just feeling closed off this week.  Wanting to protect myself, I think.

Even if it's unnecessary.

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Eyes

I think what was most different about my relationship with Jay was that I went into it with eyes wide open.

Because Jay and I had months of getting to know each other before we were physically in the same space, before we even really "met", we'd talked about a lot, and I knew a lot about him.

Usually, going into a relationship with someone, I'm going off of the vibe I have from having met them, and then getting involved, and then getting to know them, which is different, and maybe harder, because once you're involved it's harder to back away when things come up that make you uncomfortable, or go against your comfort zone levels.

With Jay, there were a number of things that made me uncomfortable.  Things that I knew about, and made a conscious decision to go ahead with being in a relationship with him, despite these things.

Why did I do that?

I'm not sure, exactly.  Because it felt right.  Because I felt that the good and wonderful things about him could outweigh the rest in the long run.  Because I wanted to push myself.  Because life is short, and love is worth it?

Do I regret making those choices?  No.

Am I relieved now that Jay and I are no longer in a relationship?  Honestly?  Not as relieved as I would have thought.

But all this to say, I knew, going in, what I was getting into.  And I knew, months and months ago, half a year ago, really, that Jay wasn't sure he was going to stay in town.  Actually, I think, remembering how heartbroken I was then, that I knew he wasn't going to stay in town.

I thought we'd make the distance thing work, I did.  I thought maybe into Fall, maybe not quite.  And I knew the relationship wasn't everything I wanted, and as some of you have pointed out, everything I deserved.

I wrote myself an email mid-April:

"Maybe I just accept I won't get what I need from this relationship for a while, or often... or maybe ever.  And that I will only know after a time if I am still getting enough to keep going."

So it's not as if I wasn't aware.

Did I put up with a lot?  I'd say a "medium".  Because the good was really good.  Because I loved him.  Because he loved me.  Because it was wonderful to be loved, and it made me so happy to love.

Does Jay have the potential to be a wonderful, life-long partner for me?  Yes.  But don't I say that about every man I love?  Don't I see the potential, the best in all of them?  Is that not why I love them and have them in my life?

Maybe Jay and I are meant to be.

I say that at the end of every relationship too, I think.

Maybe I'll half wait for us to get back together until the time comes when (if?) I find someone new and move on.

I know I always do that.  Always, in the back of my mind wait for them to come running back. 

Except this time, it was me who left.  Me who said, enough.  Not enough.

I could have ridden it out.  Could have kept us an us.  Maybe that's still happening in some way, a little.  Maybe having him back in my life is enough to keep me feeling loved, and attractive and content enough to just be.  Because I shudder at the idea of trying to date again.

I feel dizzy thinking about starting the process all over again.

So I'm not going to.

I'm not with Jay, but I'm not *not* with Jay either.  I still love him in moments, and am extremely frustrated by him in others.

I still value what we had, and sometimes want it back, and sometimes know it's better to not be.

It'll be what it is, and time will sort it, and us, and me.

But I'm never going to be naive about him.  My eyes have always been wide open.

Monday, 15 July 2013

The Other Side

Waiting by foundimagination
I wasn't sure what I'd say about Jay's visit the other week because I wasn't sure I felt like hearing what all everyone had to say.

It's a funny thing, having a blog, because for some reason you decided you wanted to share your thoughts, or your life, or your story or your opinion, and I know I never really thought through having to defend said thoughts, stories, or opinions.

And I mean, I guess I don't *have* to defend my actions and choices.  I know that people are just trying to help.  Are just trying to look out for me, to stop me from getting hurt, or from making mistakes.  Maybe even mistakes they made.  So I take a deep breath, and I remember that people are just trying to help.  Even if that's an assumption that's not always true on the internet, I find it's generally the case here.

As I was mulling over some of the reactions people had to my time with Jay and the choices I made, I found myself doing the "baroo?" sideways head tilt.

Why had no one assumed that it was me using Jay?

Why had no one pointed out that I was clearly just using him.  Getting some physical comfort from someone I was no longer involved with?

Why did no one give me either a high five for getting me some action, or shake their head in disappointment at me manipulating this poor guy into staying with me, and perhaps thinking he could rekindle things when clearly I wasn't interested.

I guess maybe we don't expect that of the gentler sex, or perhaps it's just not in my character to use, manipulate and lie, and y'all know me well enough to know that.

But let me assure you of this.  I didn't let Jay stay, or let him "back into my bed" with any hidden, secret agendas.  I let him stay because I wanted to.  Not because it meant anything, and not because I was taking him back.  Just because it worked for me at the time.

And it was really, really nice to have someone to cuddle with.

And maybe I'm a little sad that some people see or assume the worst in both of us.  That some feel it's clear he's a player and using me, and that I'm weak and being unkind to myself by letting him spend time with me again.  Because the reality is that yes, maybe he is/was using me, and maybe I'm doing myself an injustice, but in the grand scheme of things, maybe we're just two good people trying to do the best we can with where we are in life right now and being flawed, and human, we just wanted to spend time with a person we like, and care about and have loved.

Because sometimes life is enough of a muddle without having to overthink it all.

At the core of it, Jay's a good person, and I'm a good person and we're both flawed and imperfect, and carry our own baggage from our past and past relationships, but we enjoyed spending time together when he was here.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

OK

I don't really know how we left it.

Which, really, means we didn't.

I told him to try to come find me at Burning Man, that I'd like to spend some time with him there if possible.  And you guys, that's probably the biggest relief for me in Jay's having taken the time to see me.  I'm no longer horrified at the idea of seeing him there, and that means I can have my experience without looking out of the corner of my eyes to see if he's there.

I felt incredibly weird when Jay left.  So weird.

And I think that was due to him being in my space again.

I think, were I to repeat last week again, I would tell him he couldn't stay.  That it would just be too weird.

Jay and I have exchanged text messages since he left, and it's nice to be cordial but I don't know any more than that.

Will we see each other again?  No idea.  Probably?

Will he invite me to visit in Vancouver?  I don't really think so.  Would I go if he did?  Maybe?

Would I like to see him again?  Yes.  I think so.

Would we ever get back together, were he to end up back in Victoria some day?  Maybe?  I don't know.

But it'll never be the same. 

I said that to him one night.  That I missed what we had, and was sad we'd never get that back.  He agreed that what we'd had was good.

He also said that he was sorry that it was him who loved me, and not someone "better"... better for me.

It took me a few days (and a couple of good night's sleep) to feel back to normal.

Or... "normal", I suppose, because it's really nice to not be hurt and angry anymore.

To not be sad and confused and upset about how things ended.

I'm not entirely settled with it, but again, time helps with that.

I don't even know if I've explained it all properly.  I know, for sure, that I've left out details, some important, some not so, but I do think what's the most important thing is that I feel better and happier about everything and that's good and I'm grateful for that.


Friday, 12 July 2013

I Don't Know

Nacho Cheese by foundimagination
Hindsight's always 20/20, right?  But I wish I'd just had that perfect day and evening with Jay and left it at that.

Maybe hung out for a bit here and there over the next few days (he stayed in town until Sunday afternoon) but not have had him staying in my space.

When I got home Friday afternoon I got the fright of my life to open the door and have him there in my living room.  I'd forgotten he was there.

And then it was sort of weird for me to be relaxing and doing my own thing but having him there working on his work or his studies or whatever.  It was like... I don't know.  Weird.

He was up all night Friday working on something and it was another not-great sleep because I could hear him and the lights were on and, well, I'm discovering just how much I'm affected by disturbed sleep and so by Saturday mid-day I felt really rather discombobulated.

Jay said, over and over that if/when he outstayed his welcome, I just needed to let him know.  Or that if I felt uncomfortable to just tell him.  But that felt rude.

My Mom always feels that she failed in teaching me proper hostessing skills, but she really didn't.  When Jay said he was heading out to grab some food, I told him that was fine, he could eat here.  So it was like it used to be.  All the old routines of living together, but... not living together.  A guest who's not really a guest but not not a guest.

We talked about it Saturday night and I said that next time he came into town it was probably best for everyone if he stayed in a hotel room.  That way he could do his work and studies without being disturbed.

Jay's feeling a lot of pressure right now to get his work done and his studies done and he feels like "everyone" is trying to interrupt him, to make him do other things.

I was kind of frustrated to hear this and I told him that if this was how he felt he had to be really clear with people. 

We also talked about how he gets panicky when people cancel their plans to see him when he's in town, and we talked very openly about how we maybe have different ideas of what it means to love and/or be in love.

He still loves me.  Still does.  And that was nice to hear.  Because I'd been so hurt that he seemed to have just shut off. 

I don't know how I feel about him, and I told him as much.

Do I love him?

Sure? 

But is it a romantic love?

I don't think so.

And I'm not in love with him anymore.

Which maybe puts us on a more even playing field.

I mean, he was never really in love with me, we hadn't been together long enough I don't think, and I think that explains why it was so seemingly easy for him to move over there and... move on with things.

We talked a lot about how that first week of him being there was really really bad timing for both of us and how that didn't help with the implosion.

And, I don't know.  I just know it felt... weird.

Like, we went for a walk downtown mid-day Saturday.  Went to get gelato, and then dinner.  And we held hands and we kissed and I sort of didn't .... feel anything.

Which is very very different for me.

Usually if I'm holding hands with someone I'm in dreamy I lurrrrrve you! mode.  I don't know what this was.

Not that it wasn't nice, or comfortable, or enjoyable.  It was.  We still get along well and enjoy each other's company, I just have no words to label what I felt or what I was thinking.

Thursday, 11 July 2013

And Then

So we talked, and I felt better, so so much better.  And just as I was sitting there thinking to myself, "now what?" he turned to me and said... "Now what?"

And I laughed, and kind of gave him a nudge on the couch.  "That's exactly what I was thinking."

We readjusted ourselves on the couch and just kind of lay there together.  It was nice.  It just felt calm and quiet and ok.

Like, there was no "stare dreamily into each other's eyes" sort of feeling, and no sad, just... fine.  It felt fine.  And like, this is how things were supposed to end, or be.  Better.

He took a deep breath... "I don't know.  Maybe this is just being in the moment.  I mean, I'm still processing.  Maybe I shouldn't say anything.  But.  Maybe I'm thinking about asking you to come see me in Vancouver?"

We lay there some more, close and quiet, catching up on this, that and the other, before he had to leave for a meeting.  We made plans to spend some time together later that evening and I was so glad to have seen him and that I was finally feeling that peace and calm. 

He called me as he was leaving his meeting.  "I probably shouldn't ask, but... would it be weird if I stayed there?"

I told him yes, it would be.  But that maybe we could talk about it later.

He came by that evening and we went for a walk.  I'd already planned to go to see if I could see any US fireworks (it was the fourth of July) from across the water, and so we headed up to the top of a local "hill" (aka taller piece of land) and sat there in the dusk.  He asked me if he could hold my hand.

I said yes.

He sat down behind me to block the wind.

We talked openly and honestly about things that hadn't gone so well, things that he'd been frustrated by and my take on them.  Things that I'd been frustrated by, and just in general what all you maybe want to say to someone when the relationship falls apart and you see where you both could have made changes.

We watched the (teeny, tiny "are these fireworks for ants?") fireworks and sat for a while longer before walking home in the dark.

And here's where I feel like I should put a disclaimer.  Just because this worked for Jay and I doesn't mean you should do as I did.  Nor does it mean I would do the same for myself and another guy.  Every situation is different.

I'm still not entirely sure why, but I felt like it was ok for Jay to stay with me.  Sort of.

I told him if he could see how it looked from the outside perspective, he could stay.

"It looks like I really want to see you,"  he said.

"No it doesn't,"  I replied.

"But that's the truth!"

"It doesn't matter.  That's not how people will see it, and quite honestly, I'm not sure I believe you."

He thought for a minute.  "It looks like I'm using you?"

"Yup."

"But I'm not."

"And I almost believe you."

I know where he'd been staying, and I knew why he didn't want to keep staying there, and I don't know if it's a fault of mine or a strength of mine, but I suspect sometimes it works against me a bit, I'm a soft-hearted person and I tend to care-take more than I maybe should.

And I figured I'd enjoy his company.  That maybe it would be great to share my bed with him again.  Our evening together up the hill had been great.  Our reconnecting earlier that day had been great.  I felt better than I had in months.  Better he stayed with me than in a crummy hotel, no?

So he grabbed his bags and came up and stayed.

And it was fine. 

I mean, I barely slept a wink.  My mind was racing.  Jay was here.  Jay was back.  Jay was in my bed!  Why?  What?  Huh?  Etc. etc.  And plus he's like a frigging furnace at night.  Either I forgot, or this night was especially.... furnace like, but man oh man when it's already warm out and you have a boiling hot body in bed next to you?  Stuck awake much?

So, yeah, not the most restful of nights.  But then I had to head off in the morning anyway, so I left him there, working from my kitchen table, just like old times.

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

Thursday

On Target by foundimagination
Ok.

So I sort of just sat there Thursday, after calming down a little, and after calling Jay, and made myself just breathe.  The point I came to was that I wanted to approach this whole thing, seeing him, talking to him, whatever, from a place of love.

And maybe that sounds cheesy to some, but I mean I didn't want to be sitting there yelling at him or anything.  The bad feelings we had between us, or, certainly that I had, weren't what made up our relationship, and besides, what would I like to look back on in the future?

Jay came by about an hour later, so I'd had time to sit, and tidy up a little if we're being honest, and email a few friends for support, and distract myself.

I was hoping that Jay would look ugly.  That happens with exes sometimes I find.  I'll see them post breakup and wonder what on earth it was I ever saw in them.  Had I ever really found them attractive?

But Jay looked good, cute, as he walked down the hallway.  Did he want to come in?

Yes.

I sat on my couch.  Waited while he took off his shoes and closed the door.

He hesitated, and then sat on the couch beside me.  I hadn't expected that, but then again, I hadn't expected to hear from him at all, and I wasn't really sure why he was there.

"You know I'm going to cry, right?" I said, laughing a little, because, yes, he knows I'm a crier.

He smiled, and nodded, looking a little sad himself.

I don't really remember what I said to start the conversation, but we slowly talked about... things.

I told him I was really choked by how things ended.

He asked me to elaborate.

I turned to him, eyebrows raised and asked if he really didn't remember the incident that had me so floored?

He wasn't actually sure he did, no.

Sigh.

I told him.  He sort of shrugged.

I told him, word for word what he said, and he said, oh.  That.  I barely remember that. 

I don't know, you guys.  Maybe some people are just that clueless.  I told him that it was not ok, and that in future, he should never repeat what he did with anyone, ever.  Ever.

And we talked some more.

He told me that he'd wanted to see me.

I asked why.

We talked about how he just wasn't willing to be in a long distance relationship.  That he doesn't have the time or energy for that right now (I say ever) but that now that he was right here with me, he was happy.

I told him that was shiny object syndrome.  He liked Vancouver when he was there, and me when he's here and that he sort of forgot each, when they weren't right there in front of him.

I'm sure lots of you are suspicious.  I know I still have mixed feelings about the visit, but I'll tell you that in general, I believe what he said and how he feels.

The story doesn't end there, but talking about it like this has gotten me all riled up again, and sort of emotional, so I'm going to stop for now, take a few deep breaths and come back to it when I'm feeling calmer.

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Hi

I feel like I'm still getting over Jay being here and so yesterday I just kept to myself as much as I could and kept my contact with people as short and limited as possible.

I got some really sweet customer service yesterday (one from a very nice x-ray technician... we're x-raying my toe, which still is... not awesome from last year) that nearly made me cry, so clearly I'm still a little emotional.

And so, yeah.

Monday, 8 July 2013

Out Of The Blue

Swoosh by foundimagination
I was getting out of my car after work on Thursday, and I checked my cell phone (as I usually do) to see if anyone had texted me on the drive home, or anything.

There was a missed call, which is unusual because no one really calls my cell, and a message.  From a Vancouver area code.

My heart stopped.

I took Jay's number out of my contacts.  Jay's Vancouver area number.  Anyone else I know in Vancouver would show up on my call display.

"Please don't let this be Jay." I thought.

I checked my messages, standing in front of my car.

It was Jay. 

He was in town.  For work.  Would be there for a couple more days.  He was going to return my keys.  But if I didn't want to see him, he could just leave them with the resident manager.

I started shaking. 

I hadn't heard from him in a month.  At all.  And I'd been so angry all last week at him.  And suddenly he shows up.  Out of the blue.  And do I want to see him?

I had no idea.

I went and knocked on my neighbour (and good friend's) door, (thank goodness she was home) and just started crying.  "Jay just called.  I don't know what to do."

And I just kept saying that, over and over.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to do.

 It was such a shock.  I really never thought I'd hear from him again.  And earlier that very day I had told myself that I was just going to have to send his hoodie and other belongings to his workplace as I didn't have his address to send them to, and clearly we were never going to speak again.

Except he'd just called.

I'm so grateful my friend was home, really, because just standing with her in her kitchen as she made dinner for her family I felt a little calmer.  And I went up to my place, still upset, still shaking, but not going to fall over or anything.

I sat for a few minutes.  Knowing that I didn't have to see him if I didn't want to.  Didn't even have to speak to him.  But I figured that it would be worse to *not* see him and wonder, than to see him and know.

Like, know if we would yell at each other and continue the angry hate I'd be feeling, or what.  At least if I saw him, I figured, I'd know.  If I didn't see him?  I'd still feel the way I'd been feeling all month.

So I took a deep breath, called him, he picked up.  I said I'd gotten his message, and that I would be around if he wanted to drop off my keys.

So, you guys, I saw Jay.  And I promise to tell you all about it but first I need to try to feel less weird.

Because I feel really weird.

But, better. 

So that's good.

Better in general, but weird specifically.

And, yes, I'll take your hugs, please.

Saturday, 6 July 2013

Alanis Would Like It

The forecast last weekend told us that the weather this week would be hot.  And sunny.  And hot.

And did we mention hot?

So on Sunday, as it headed up the thermometer, I decided it was time to rescue my fan out from behind the couch, where it'd been since the unusually warm week in Spring.

I fished it out, plugged it in and.... er.... um...

Broken.

I fiddled with it, took it apart as best I could but the engine just seemed to have given out.

So I had to go buy me a new fan.  Which I did. 

Fortunately, they were still in stock (well, some were, anyway) at my local London Drugs, and?  They were on sale!

I got what seems to be a pretty fancy dancy one, and a smaller tower one which, compared to the big fancy one just seems to make noise, and I'm glad I did.  Between the fan(s) and open windows and blinds down and shut all day, my apartment has been livable.  There's really only a few hours a day when it's sweat inducingly warm, and that's why they invented going outside!

The end.

Friday, 5 July 2013

In My Mind

Taking It All In by foundimagination
I've been having a lot of Burning Man dreams lately.

Probably because I'm trying to sort through what I have, what I need, what I don't need, and all the rest.  (I know I'm going to over pack, but that I'll also wish I'd brought something I didn't.)

Some of the dreams I've had are probably also due to it being hot right now and me thinking "hmmm... this is nothing compared to what the playa will probably be like."

So I half wake up in the morning, warm under my sheets and I think I'm in my tent... or something.

I've had a dream that Jay and I were waking up together in my tent.  That was awesome.  Until I woke up completely.

Then I had a dream that I forgot my zip lock bags.  Dream disaster!

Then there was the one where the desert actually was right by the water downtown here and the mountains were still snow-capped and everything, allowing us the nice ocean breeze, ahhhh!  That dream made me realize I've always camped with a body of water nearby.  This no-water camping will be a first.

I also had a dream that C-Dawg was there and we were walkie-talkie-ing our way to try to find each other, and I was super happy that she was there.  I've never done anything like this without a loved one coming along.  And, no, I'm not entirely travelling by myself, but I'm also travelling without a friend, family member, or loved one.  And I don't know how I'll handle that.

I've had dreams about being in my tent, and it being warm, and the awful, horrible dream where I ran into Jay.

And then the nauseating thought later that day that I will throw up, literally throw up, if I see him there and he's with another woman.

That thought makes me panic.

Thursday, 4 July 2013

I Just Keep Sighing

It feels like it was FOREVER ago, but amazon tells me it was 2006 when the book "He's Just Not That Into You" came out.

I read it.  And I read "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Over." too.

Hated them both.  Because they said things I knew and didn't want to admit and I still get frustrated and angry when people point things out that I know, but don't want to.

Jay just isn't that into me, and that sucks royally.

And our relationship is over because it didn't work, was broken.

And that sucks too.

It all sucks and is sucky and I hate it and I feel like I hate everything right now and that's simply not true.

Just... I hate this.

And no, I'm not ready to be happy it happened.  (Insert many swears here.)

Wednesday, 3 July 2013

And It Sucks

Octopus Hospital by foundimagination
I remember when my friend's husband left her very suddenly, and unexpectedly.

She was floored, but was in a pretty tough, I'm going to get through this mode.  I felt pretty helpless, and I called up her parents to ask if they knew of anything I could do to help.

They said they'd let me know, and then her Mom took the phone into the other room to speak with me privately.

"Don't say anything bad about him," she cautioned.  "They split up once before, years ago, and then got back together and she had a hard time with the things people said against him, so don't do it."

So I didn't.

And, after a while, and a lot of counselling, they did get back together.  Gave it another try.  She really wanted it to work.

But it didn't.  And now they're fully, completely split.  Forever.

But that's not the point.

The point is, that I get it.

I get why you want to believe in the relationship you had.  That you want to believe in the best that person had to offer because you'd seen it, witnessed it, lived with it and knew it was in there somewhere.

I get that you want to hold on to all the great times you had together, and put aside the not so great ones as "just life".

I get trying to make it work.

And I get how hard it is to do that when you feel embarrassed to be trying again with this person who's treated you poorly.  Because that's what everyone sees and remembers and wonders about.

Why are you giving them a second chance?

Because you love them.

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

Sigh

It's funny... this was one of those long weekends where I couldn't seem to keep track of what day it was.

And then I got a little panicky Saturday evening because I'd hung out with a friend instead of doing my usual weekend "chores" and then I had to tell myself that it was ok because I still had Sunday to do them, but then I didn't want to do anything on Sunday and then I woke up on Monday getting ready for work but then I remembered I didn't have to get ready for work and then I figured it was Sunday, but it wasn't.

Which, yeah.

I feel like I'm mad at everyone this week.  Mad at Jay.  Mad at my friends for not handling the breakup "right."

Some of the friends I saw this weekend, and yes, I pushed myself out of the house a little rather than sitting in and moping on the gorgeously sunny days, asked me if Jay and I had talked and I said that no, I hadn't heard from him since the really bad conversation and they said that that "spoke to his character."

Which made me mad.

I guess somehow it makes me feel like everyone questions my judgement when they speak badly of him.  Like I must have been with this horrible guy and just not noticed.

Frustrates me.  Or maybe it stings.  I don't know.

I just know I'm grumpy and I have a ton of grieving and mourning to get through if I could just stop distracting myself long enough to feel it all.

But that hurts too much.  So I tend not to.

I got really upset yesterday (a holiday here in Canada) thinking about all the fun Jay must be having.  Out with his friends... and his roommates... and his co-workers, having a blast in the sun in Vancouver or whatever it was he did and it just upset me.  A lot.

Not that I didn't enjoy the sun and fireworks and all, but just... upsetting.

Partly because I feel like we should have been having that fun together.  Partly because I don't want him to be enjoying his life because he hurt me and let me down and he shouldn't get to be happy and carefree and careless.  He should be hurting and missing me too.

This sucks.

Monday, 1 July 2013

Hey

The Maple Leaf Forever by foundimagination
Happy Canada Day, eh?

I hope this doesn't make anyone jealous, but our weather this weekend (and apparently into this week) is stunning.  It feels like this weekend is the one that will officially welcome Summer!

So here's to barbecue's and camping and fireworks and sunscreen and family and friends and fresh air and living in this kind of totally awesome city in this totally awesome country.

Long weekends, for the win!

Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2016 and then some.) Kay? Kay.