I guess I'm glad I was trying not to jump too far into the future, but what happened next was still a complete shock.
Less than an hour after Jay thanked me for my help, he sent me a text.
How would I feel about him going on a date with someone?
I was stunned.
Not because he wanted to go out with someone, but because he was bringing this up now. As he lay in a hospital bed, a week or so before coming to stay at my place to recover from this major injury, he asks me this?
I know we split up. I know we never really got back together, but what kind of timing is this?
I told him as much. Told him I'd been worried sick about him and this was terrible timing.
I told myself that his judgement was perhaps slightly impaired by the narcotics, but still, I was so bewildered. Hurt. Confused.
And, yes, I told him so.
Jay always falls back on "I'm being open, honest, and transparent with you." And in many ways I appreciate that more than someone who would go behind my back, but as I said to him... I had just opened my house to him to come and heal in and he was telling me he wanted to fall in love with other people. These two things are not compatible in my heart. Or my brain.
I don't understand his timing.
"I wouldn't be dating them when I was staying with you. Or really at all in my current state, but I just wanted to let you know that there's interest there."
And perhaps he gets points somewhere in the karmic universe for his honesty, but all I see is someone using someone else. And that someone else being me.
It was a slap in the face for me. A shocking reminder of what I mean to Jay. Or, I suppose, what I don't.
The reaction from the friends I shared the text conversation with were sobering.
"He is a terrible representation of men. It's guys like him that make the rest of us look bad. What a douche."
"He wants his cake and to eat it too."
"What a dick. I hope you never speak to him again. Done."
I'm just baffled that he doesn't see the other side of things.
That he doesn't see how he is using me.
That he doesn't see how people react to him and his choices.
Because as I've said before, I know him, I know some of his motivation, and I know why he thinks what he does is ok. Some of what he does I just don't think he understands. Doesn't understand how human beings treat each other, although he cares for humanity, works towards bettering the world.
One of the thoughts that has been going through my head is that he was never, has never been a good enough boyfriend for me to put up with this kind of thing.
Like, if he were an amazing, thoughtful, kind, generous, supportive, wonderful boyfriend and partner, then maybe I would be ok with him wanting to date other people. Maybe I would put up with some of his less than wonderful sides because it would be worth it. But he is not.
I don't understand how he thinks he is so amazing that I would do all this for him, with nothing in return. Nothing at all in return except the pleasure of caring for him?
I am no Mother Theresa and he is no helpless waif.
I give all day in my work. I love selflessly day in day out.
I will not do it for someone who thinks so little of me they do not even have the common decency to show me even an ounce of what I deserve.
I am sure a trained psychologist could analyze the crap out of him and find out the mental games he's playing with himself and why, but I feel like he just lost the last chance I can handle giving him.
We made up a month after we broke up. We were partners for a lot of Burning Man. We reconnected again once Burning Man was over.
I ended things when he left for Vancouver and showed himself to be an unkind, thoughtless, selfish man. I did not want to ever see him again after the night at Burning Man when he, again, showed me he was the most selfish person I have ever met. And now, when I opened my home and my heart to him, yet again, he reminded me that he did not want to be my partner.
Let me tell you... if the days of worrying about him weren't hard enough? The day he asked me how I felt about him dating other people? That was a hard day.
That was a crying at work, pulling myself together, and crying at work again kind of day.
It's been a few days since that day now.
I think, (I hope, I pray) that I'm done. Whatever generous feelings I had towards him are certainly gone.
If he asks to stay at my place once his Mom returns back home (she's flying out to take care of him his first week or so after being released) I will be saying no.
I emailed Jay, asked him to keep me appraised of his well being. I see no need to cut off communication at this point.
Now I need to turn my attention elsewhere.
I wish him well, I hope he recovers speedily, and maybe some day we'll be friends of some kind, maybe not.
He called me last night, all doped up... I didn't have anything to say other than politely listening to him talk.
Whatever warm feelings I had for him have been shut off. Not saying they won't sneak back on, but right now... he's just somebody I used to know.
See, what I keep feeling the need to reiterate here is that there are always two sides to a story. At least.
And I found, with Jay, there is no point getting into a debate about the semantics.
Sure, we're not together. We're not officially exclusive, so he's just letting me know he's interested in someone so I'm aware and can make choices.
I get it. I get his side. His take.
I just know he doesn't get mine.
This blog almost always only presents my side of things, and then I get upset when people defend me and attack the other side because I know I've only half represented things.
This is my forum to vent. To share my hurts and pains and joys and successes.
I don't know if Jay will ever understand where I'm coming from, or if he'll ever understand why so many people are so angry at what he did, and when.
I still think that's what gets me. His timing.
I don't understand. Except maybe he needs to keep me at a safe emotional distance. Maybe he needs to remind me he's running the show.
I don't know. This has just been an incredibly long, emotionally exhausting week and I just want to be in love with someone who really, truly loves me back.