Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Passing Through

Rainbow! by foundimagination
New Year's coming.  Twenty fourteen.  Or whatever you call it.  But, it's coming anyway.

Last year was the year of Jay, really.  I first came across him a year ago November, and by December had come to know him really well and cared about him, and I remember talking to him on New Year's Eve and feeling in love.

We met early Spring, and were together til Summer, and then split for a month and then got back together... sort of... until November and December and so now it's time for the year of Jay to be over.  And to see what this new year will bring.

I hope for health and happiness, balance and love.  Not just for me, but for my family, friends, loved ones... everyone.

I don't make resolutions anymore.  I do take time to find peace and calm as the year switches over.

And I remind myself of all the good things I have, and am.

So here's to a new year and all the potential that can bring, and the magic clean slate people give themselves, and the boost to willpower that starting at zero can give.

And thanks for listening... again.

Happy New Year.

Monday, 30 December 2013

Phew

So as I was sitting there feeling so sad a couple of days ago, I thought to myself... "I haven't felt this bad since last month."

And then my brain went.... last... month?  Could it be?

And I checked the calendars and sure enough, my.. er... womanly... time was due any day.

Which, honestly, felt like a huge relief. 

Because if the extra sadness was hormonally driven?  That would mean I would be feeling better really soon.  And I am!

So I'm super happy I made that realization, and I'll take a look at the calendar again next time I'm feeling that low.

Not that the feelings aren't valid or whatever, just that it helps to know they're sadder than necessary and that they won't last forever.

Just like my broken rib.

Which apparently just has to heal itself.

*sigh*

Saturday, 28 December 2013

Blah

Christmas Rose by foundimagination
I am really missing being with someone.

(Notice that I didn't say I miss Jay, because I realize that he's just a place holder for being in a relationship, so it's not that I miss him so much as I miss the things he represented.)

I know this time of year is always hard for me in that way but I'm especially feeling it right now.

I can't remember how I felt last year, maybe I wrote about it and can check, but blah... I just feel sad and wish I had someone paying me attention and that sort of interesting stuff going on rather than... not so much.

I don't even know, exactly, or maybe I do and just don't know quite how to say it.

I'm extra not liking being single right now, and I wish it was Spring.

Friday, 27 December 2013

Post

I guess I have the post-Christmas blues.

Although I did have a really nice, really calm and happy Christmas so that's great.  Best in a while, really.

But I sort of wanted to wish Jay a Merry Christmas but I sort of didn't and I guess that made me lonely because I wondered if he saw his new "girlfriend" at Christmas or if he spent it with friends and I realized that if I didn't mind about... things, I could have had him here maybe.  And had someone to fall asleep with, and cuddle.

And that maybe I could have pretended it meant something.

But then I thought/think about Jay and his new situation and that just makes me even sadder.

And then I think about dating and not dating and I'm just feeling blue.  And sad.  And it's not much fun.

Probably doesn't help that I'm still recovering and haven't exercised in a couple of weeks.  A bit scared to really, coughing wise and energy wise, oh, and discombobulated ribs too, but I should give it a go.

I keep checking the weather for snow.  Like it will suddenly magically change from "chance of rain" to... "oh, wait, we were so wrong, major snow storm coming and then bright sunshine just for you!"

Yeah... that'd be nice.

It's nice when it snows and I don't have to drive.

Hope you're not having the post-Christmas blues too my friends.

Thursday, 26 December 2013

The Day Of Boxing


I Only Took One Photo Today by foundimagination
Did you have a nice Christmas?  Are you still having a nice Christmas?

Or are you maybe working and wondering why you're at work?

I remember one year when I was paying my way through my first degree when I had to work (retail) on Christmas Eve and then again first thing Boxing Day.

It didn't feel fun.

And honestly, the week of Christmas where I worked was almost all returns.  And because the customer is always right (well, was, I don't know about anymore) it didn't matter why you were returning the thing, so you didn't have to tell me that it turns out it's not your Aunt's favourite colour after all, I would refund you the money anyway.

Especially if you had a receipt.

That store, now that I'm remembering, we women had to wear nylons... pantyhose.  I don't think I've worn them since!

It was always nice to get customer commendations, those little notes that people can fill out to say you did something extra nice for them.  So, yes, those things do make a difference.

Anyway, it always frustrates me that the internet seems to shut down over holidays and also why is there no tv for the next two months?  My tv is my zone out time, people... why am I being punished?

But, that's not the point, the point is I hope you're having a nice few days and this is always kind of a weird week, eh?  Not Christmas but not New Year's...yet... sort of an in between of everything.

Um, so my brain is still in sick mode and not making sense apparently so hi! Happy Stuff!

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

Whoops

So, the week or so that I was most sick I completely had no idea about time.  Like, I couldn't have told you if it was Monday or Friday or Thursday or none of the above, so imagine my surprise when I woke up and realized that Christmas Day is tomorrow.

I was going to have a low impact Christmas this year anyway, but I lost the whole of last week and the last two weekends so I'm just going to assume that everything's going to be fine tomorrow and I'm going to try to get to the grocery store today so that, you know, I don't starve.

Or...something.

Not sure really, brain's still a big foggy.

So, yeah, anyway, um, I guess Merry Christmas?  Like... now?

Ok.

I'm going to try to put on pants now.  And maybe even drive.  To a store.

Wish me luck.

Ho, ho, ho?

Monday, 23 December 2013

Nasty

Sick Bed by foundimagination
Yeah, so I got sick last Thursday.

Last Thursday at lunch, to be precise.  Which I can, because up until then I'd had a cold.. not felt well, taken cold meds and been sort of ok-ish but not great.

Thursday mid-way through my lunch I realized I couldn't eat it anymore.

And that my skin hurt and I wished I could take my clothes off because they were rubbing.

And I was cold.

I knew I was sick but I also had to get through the day so I did, and although I probably shouldn't have, I drove home, had a shower and collapsed on the couch.

Like, passed out asleep on the couch.

Until I got so overheatedly hot it made me get up and rush to the bathroom to throw up.

And that's when I figured I didn't just have a bad cold, but actually had the flu.

And it all went downhill from there.

I had about an hour of alive-ness post throwing up and I did whatever needed to be done and then I went straight to bed and asleep.

Next day was sleeping and coughing and knowing I should be drinking more or something but the amount of effort it took just to get up and go to the bathroom was beyond me, so I knew I wasn't doing a very good job of taking care of myself but I couldn't do much of anything at all.

C-Dawg brought me some fluids Saturday morning and I did what I could to drink them because I could tell I was severely dehydrated but I was also coughing non-stop and deeply, and everything hurt and it finally occurred to me I might have a fever so I took my temperature and yes, I had a fever so I turned off all the heat in my place and that helped because getting too hot just made me throw up again and I tried to sleep but the coughing and the fever dreams didn't really let me rest and it was bad you guys.

Sunday morning, barely managing to get myself to drink and not feeling any better, I knew I needed to get to a clinic.  C-Dawg could make it after noon, my brother wasn't home, so I called my folks, even though I'd not wanted to worry them.

Mom came by, took one look at me and insisted I come stay with them.  She said Dad was just getting over this flu anyway so it's not like I would be infecting them.  And I knew I couldn't take care of myself so I packed a few things and went.

And I'm really glad I did because I wasn't coping at home.  I'd sweated into my sheets for three nights and I knew they were gross but I couldn't do the laundry.  And there were all the other things I wasn't managing to do because even just walking from my apartment to my Mom's car took more energy than I had.

And the damn fever.  Put me anywhere warm and I'd start to bake and get nauseous.  And I couldn't stop coughing and that just made all the hurting bits hurt even more and the cough was so bad it was making my throat hurt and now my ears were starting to hurt and I just wanted it to stop.

I felt better being at my parents' place and they opened up the fold out bed downstairs and I just slept on and off all day.  My poor Dad was hacking away too and I felt so bad for my Mom having to take care of the two of us but I was also too out of it to be able to do anything other than feel grateful that they were there for me.

Iced face cloths helped with the fever and Monday morning, I called the doctor and got an appointment for later that day.

The doctor checked me over... said she didn't remember me ever being this sick, and it took all I had not to beg her to "just please help me"...  She must have heard or seen something she didn't like because she put me on an antibiotic (please, everyone remember flu bugs don't need antibiotics, this is for a secondary infection) and told me to get some DM cough syrup so I could get some relief from the cough.

The DM syrup didn't do anything at all (ugh) so I went another night with odd dreams and sweats and snatching an hour here or there between coughing fits, but by mid-day Tuesday the antibiotics had started to do their thing and my fever broke and I started to feel a little more human.

Or like my Mom said "yesterday you were dying, today you just feel like you're going to die, right?"

Right.

The doctor also told me I had to eat so I tried a smoothie here and there... managed a few sips of one and half of the other.

I think it was Wednesday when I had a bit of dinner and felt like I was going to be ok after all!

I was nervous to come home, knowing the laundry had to be done, and the dishwasher emptied and the groceries bought and the apartment swept and the garbage taken out and so I stayed an extra day until I felt like I had enough energy to do at least the laundry.

Which I did as soon as I got home, and then promptly threw up and, well maybe I should have just stayed out the rest of the week.... oh well.

My coughing isn't constant anymore, and I've slept through the night a few nights now and I'm eating a little and my temperature is a lot closer to normal.

So now I'm back to just feeling like I have a rotten cold, and no energy.

Will be on the antibiotics for a few more days and then hopefully I'll start feeling better and better and better and, wow.  That was the sickest I've been in a very long time and I would not wish that on my worst enemy.

And, yes, I did get the flu shot this year.

I'm also trying to work through the muscle I pulled coughing...that's a not so fun one.  Oh, and the lungs that sometimes snore if I roll into a certain position.  Or wheeze.  Or... you know, hack themselves up.

Le sigh.

Here's to health, and having it. 

Saturday, 21 December 2013

Hey

So Happy Winter, eh?

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Light

Cold Light by foundimagination
I can finally see the light at the end of this tunnel.  May still be a ways off, but now I just feel like I'm regular sick, rather than the non-functional I don't remember the last time I was this sick feeling I had.

I actually had to call my parents on Sunday.  Was asking for help to get to the clinic to have someone see me, but my Mom took one look at me and insisted I come stay with them.

Which probably saved me, because I wasn't really coping taking care of myself.

So I've been here three nights and might stay tonight as well, we'll see how today goes.  I'm in no rush to go home really, as it's a lot of effort to do anything at all, and it helps a lot to have their help.

Managed to get in to see my doctor on Monday and she put me on antibiotics (guess I picked up some sort of lung infection on top of the death flu, oh joy) and once those kicked in and the fever broke I started to fee a bit better.

Ok, this has been a lot of effort to write this so I'll leave it for now and maybe throw a few smaller posts out this week as my brain allows.

I do hope you're all keeping well.

Missing you,
Victoria

Monday, 16 December 2013

Hi Guys

Super sick.

Can't write.

Be back when I can.

Don't get this flu.

Bye.

Saturday, 14 December 2013

Oh, And One More Thing

Before I forget.

When Lee got out of his car (he drove to meet me for our walk as he lives somewhere else in town) he smelled a bit like smoke.

And so there's a part of me that keeps saying "hold your horses Nelly, he might be a smoker." 

Maybe he'd just been with a smoker... or had a smoker in his car... or maybe a smoker had just finished having a cigarette outside of the building we passed, I don't know, but if he's a smoker (it says he's not on his profile) I'm going to be disappointed and have to say no thanks.

I just want to keep reminding myself of that as a way to not get too excited and make up stories about our wedding.

(Actually, I already made up a story about our breakup.  I'm crazy.  I know.)

(I can't believe I just told you that.  Please pretend I didn't, ok?  Thanks.)

(You're awesome.  Best secret keeper ever)

And in case you don't believe me that he might be a secret smoker?  One of my good friends is a smoker and never said so on his profile and still hasn't told his boyfriend.  (And no, I don't think it's ok... and yes, I tell him so.)  So I know it happens.  I guess people know smoking is not cool with a lot of folks and so instead of being honest, they just hide it.

I hope Lee isn't a smoker, but I know what I smelled and I think it might have come from him.

*sad face*

Friday, 13 December 2013

To The Guy On The Dating Site Who Got .... Weird.

Short Story by foundimagination
Dear Guy,

So you want to meet a nice girl, do you?

I mean, I'm assuming that's why you're on the dating site, and I'm assuming that's why you contacted me.

So, great.  It's apparently a good way to meet people.

And I'm sure you're not a big fan of messaging back and forth for ages, but you've also got to know that some (smart) girls, like me, want to message enough to get a sense of who you are before we decide if we want to meet you.

And you see, guy, you're a great example of why I do that.

See, we'd been getting along fine and I thought you were ok enough that I was considering meeting you.

Then you made that comment about how I should get over my cold "ASAP" so I could "hurry up and meet" you.

I guess that could be taken as cute but I sort of went... hmmm...

And then this weekend, when you messaged me to ask where I'd been hiding, and I responded, "under my blanket on my couch," if you HAD to message back with "want some company?"

You should have clearly indicated that was a joke.

You know, by either saying... just kidding... or using a winky face emoticon... or something.

Because to then message me back (after I tried to keep it light by saying no thanks ) by saying that I had failed your test of "adventure-ness, (which is not a word), sexiness, and love of [you]" made me never want to hear from you again.  Honestly.

I tried to convince myself that you were just being funny, but dude, it did not come across as funny.  Like, at all.

Just creepy and aggressive.

As if that wasn't enough, my friend, you messaged me again saying that I should spend the day thinking about how awesome you are and that that would make me less chicken to meet you.

Sweetheart?

That does not make me want to meet you ever.

Maybe it works for some girls?  But not me.  At all.  Not even slightly.

Sorry.

And to then email and ask if I'd followed your "explicit instructions".. I guess to think about how awesome you are?  Yeah... no.

So I'm sorry if you were just being your funny self, but you lost me there and I'm not sure it was awesome protocol to go where you went.

So my advice, my poor, lost soul, is to just keep it mellow and friendly until you meet the girl and see if your sense of humour clicks with hers.

Or if you weren't being funny, well then I would like to give you the advice to get a grip on yourself and stop telling women they've failed your test, are too chicken, and need to spend time thinking about how awesome you are.

Because those things just make us think you're really not.

Thanks,
Victoria

P.S.  You've heard the saying "never stick your d**k in crazy?"  Yeah well... I don't let crazy stick their d**k in me either.  Just FYI.


Thursday, 12 December 2013

No More "And Then"!

I had another meeting date a couple of days ago.  Seems like forever ago... it was that kind of day yesterday.

Anyway.

Yeah.  I've been talking to a few guys online, as I said, and had the one date (I feel like they're not really dates but don't know what else to call them other than "meetings" and that sounds like AA or something.) with the guy who turned lame by not being polite enough to say no.

Another guy seems cool but busy and so I figure we'll maybe get around to meeting sooner or later.  He's a couple of years older, not that I mind, but he doesn't look it.  And his picture makes me feel like I know him from somewhere.  C-Dawg said the same... that he looked familiar.

There's another guy who's seemed nice, but he got weird this weekend. (I'll tell you about that tomorrow.)

Lee is the other guy I've been chatting with, and he's been cool.  Not my typical type maybe, and I skipped over his profile first time until he added a new picture that showed that he had a nice smile and I decided to say hi.

We've been chatting for a week or two now and he's been patient with my not being quite ready to meet up.

We decided to meet for a short walk the other day and although it was dark by the time we were both free and freezing cold, I really enjoyed his company.

He seemed very gentle and kind if that makes sense... it makes sense to me, and I just felt comfortable around him.  As comfortable as you can around a stranger, anyway.

He asked me if I was nervous and when I said yes, he said he could tell.  He deals with a lot of people in his work and so I think he has a fairly good radar for how people are feeling.

It was kind of cool because when he said that, I consciously took some deep breaths and worked at calming myself down.

We know I'm not relaxed in these situations and I'm starting to think the "walk and talk" doesn't help that much, but... oh well, this whole thing is a work in progress, right?

But, yeah.  I enjoyed his company and am happy we met.

I messaged him that night and said thanks for meeting me and he said it had been great and that we should do it again somewhere more relaxed and warmer.

He said some other nice things to me as we were saying our goodbyes and I should probably write them down to remember them, but they were flattering, and I smiled.  It was nice.

I know I got all excited and hopeful about the last guy too and I thought that date went well so I'm trying to not get too carried away here, but... still.  I had a nice time and he seems to have too. 

I think I maybe got a little giddy yesterday and texted him to say I hope his day went well and then I felt stupid when I hadn't heard from him in a while and I'm trying not to over think but man.. it's so easy to over think, eh?

Jay texted to ask if I wanted to chat.  I said no.  He asked if he should delete me from his phone.

I felt this was pretty passive aggressive and I guess I'm kind of bummed to be seeing that side of him...still?  Again?  Oh well.  Old dog, new tricks and all that jazz.

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

I'm Sure Alanis Would Find It Ironic

Pals by foundimagination
I don't know if this will only be funny to those of you who have a staff kitchen.  (Or I suppose it might not be funny to anyone but me at all no matter what!)

Anyhow... our staff kitchen had really weird cutlery situations.

Like sometimes there are none of one thing (forks) and then the next morning there will be fifty.  (Seriously) And then the next week you can't find any of something else (spoons) and they're all in the dishwasher!

I try to remember to pack my own cutlery with my lunches, but I often forget and have to go through the searching of the drawers and dishwasher to find what I need.

Well yesterday, as I was unloading my own dishwasher, I took at look at my small spoons.  Teaspoons, I guess you'd call them, not the bigger soup ones. 

And you know what?  I had one spoon that went with the rest of my cutlery and the rest were random.

Which means I've been unknowingly stealing spoons from work.

But not just stealing... somehow leaving mine too.

I'm like a spoon... exchanger.

I feel like I should go in tomorrow and see if I can rescue any of mine back

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Fallinter

I feel like last year's Winter was more of an extended Fall with a couple of cold snaps thrown in.

This Fall?  I feel like we rolled into winter way early and may just stick there for a while.

We've had two cold snaps already.  Like, cold cold snaps.  Windshield wiper fluid freezing while cleaning the salt off the windshield kind of cold.

Windchill cold.

Dusting of snow cold.

And the cold sunny days have been awesome, and helpful against the fact that it's sunset when I'm on my way home from work.

That means I'm seeing the sun rise and the sun set.

And not feeling motivated to do anything other than be on my couch under my blanket.

Someone pointed out to me that it's not Winter for another couple of weeks and I kind of went... oh... right.

So, Winter, shortest day of the year, Christmas, New Years, and then the days maybe will start to feel normal again.

Oh, and the cold snap last week that also put a bunch of us out of power, making me happy that my heat is not electric.  Because brrr.

So, yeah... this has been a pretty Wintery Fall, methinks.

Monday, 9 December 2013

Needing Sleep

You Find The Spaces In-between by foundimagination
So, no Python fans (ahem... Fawlty Towers) in the house?

Ahh well, it explains my slightly more warped than many sense of humour when you know Monty Python and know that I grew up watching it (and Fawlty Towers, and others) with my folks.

Anyway...

I'm in a much better place than I was last weekend.  So much better.

I'm not, honestly sure I'm in a particularly healthy place, but I feel happier so that's good.

I feel like I've distracted myself from Jay with a new obsession that's, well, hard to stop doing and sort of weirdly stressful.

I get like this with certain things... I remember staying up for hours and hours for weeks on end when I first discovered Diablo.  And then Diablo II.  So part of me knows this won't last, and that the MUST BE DOING IT aspect will fade.

I just don't want to get stressed and tired and sick while doing it, but it's hard to find the balance right now.

Maybe I have a bit of an addictive personality, I don't know.

But I do know I'm thinking less about Jay and I'm not sad or particularly angry any more and that's good.

Last weekend feels like forever ago actually.  Which is kind of weird.

So, yeah, I guess I'm still in kind of a weird head space but it's a better one and isn't about Jay anymore if that makes sense?

Saturday, 7 December 2013

Don't Mention The War. I Mentioned It Once, But I Think I Got Away With It!

(Shhhh, we're not talking about it.  Talking about it still makes me angry and I'm trying to hard to get rid of the angry.)

I watched Elysium.

I really liked the bad guy a lot.

Anyone?

Did you get any snow this week?

I mention it because snow is so rare, despite what those of you who don't live here think.


Friday, 6 December 2013

Long Post. Get Your Popcorn!

Near The End by foundimagination
When Jay and I had those long months of getting to know each other, before we'd even met, I learned a lot about him.

I didn't talk about all the things Jay shared with me, but many of them weren't things I was entirely comfortable with, but I chose to take the chance to be outside of my comfort zone to see what happened.

Jay had mentioned to me that for a number of reasons, his marriage had been an open one.  And he explained that this worked very well for the two of them, until the situation changed and things fell apart.  Jay was always open and honest (if not tactful or thoughtful) about sharing what he was thinking and feeling and I really did value this.  (But I still wish he had more tact.)

And because we hadn't met, I had time to think through these more frightening aspects of Jay and who he was, including the fact that for him, monogamy was not, necessarily, his way.

I didn't talk about this here, or with many of my friends because I knew many people would judge Jay, and even me, for his choices.

I told Jay that monogamy was something that mattered to me and that if we were going to be together, it would just be the two of us.

I figured that I would keep the mental note in the back of my head and if/when things changed and Jay felt the need or want to be with someone else, we would deal with that at that time.  No use borrowing worries, right?

And when Jay and I were together there was never an issue around monogamy.

There were other issues, most prominently him not being sure he was going to stay in Victoria, and all the other things I won't go into.  Some mine, some his, some ours.  As relationships are.

So, as we all know, Jay and I split.  And then sort of un-split.  But weren't together.  But weren't exactly not together.

And I was never clear what exactly that meant, and I should have been, because I think to me it meant that I wasn't emotionally attached (as much) any more, but that I also wasn't actively looking for another, new relationship.

And, I'm sorry if this makes my relatives cringe but I have to be honest and say that a lot of it was the physical side.  For me.  It was nice to have someone to be physical with, and while I can't say that it's not emotionally complicated to sleep with someone, I also enjoyed the time together.

I knew it was a risk to my heart, but... well, anyway.

I think part of the reason I was so shocked by Jay asking me how I felt about him dating other people is that I had erroneously assumed we were half together and neither of us was actively searching for a new boyfriend/girlfriend.

He'd certainly talked to me a lot about not wanting a girlfriend; not being ready for that.

So I was stunned that he had these people he wanted to date, because it was not on my radar at all.

And that may be partly his non-monogamous nature, whereas for me, if I'm "with" someone, even just... you know... I'm not looking around for anyone else.  I'm a one guy kind of gal.

Besides me finding it shocking that he'd been looking while we were still sharing closeness, I was also shocked that this was his priority, mere days after his accident... while still hospitalized.

Perhaps it was the trauma... the "holy bleep I nearly died, I shouldn't waste time" or something, but the whole thing just felt so wrongly timed to me when I was offering my home, my love and my affection.

Fast forward to this last week or so when I found out that Jay had actually gone on a date with these two girls.  (One from work, the other from a dating site.)  How he managed to do this while using a walker and wearing a brace is beyond me, but whatever.... oh, wait, am I sounding bitter?  I was trying to avoid that, wasn't I?

Hearing that Jay had gone on these dates, and that he had actually chosen to start dating his co-worker, I was hurt, as I knew I'd be when he moved on, and so I went back on to the dating site myself.

Jay then sent me a series of texts telling me how he still cared for me and loved me, even if it wasn't the type of love I was looking for.  He explained that he still wanted to be with me and that we were great together.

I have a hard time wrapping my head around this... this idea that you can have these feelings for multiple people without it diminishing your feelings for any/either of them, but that's not a debate I was going to win with him.

I did my best to take the compliment and be happy that he still loved me and wanted to be with me, and move forward.

And then I had the great date with the super cute guy and I was all ready to say HA!  You have a new girlfriend?  Who cares!  I have a new boyfriend!

And then he never called me back, and I was completely devastated by it all.

Jay already had this girl he was seeing.  "Taking it slow" he told me as she was already in a relationship and they weren't sure how co-workers would take it.  (I guess it is unfortunate that people who believe in or are happy in open relationships do get stigmatized by a lot of society.)  He told me it was the healthiest relationship he'd been in in a long time.  (Ouch, yeah, note the lack of tact yet again.)  So he already had this and all I seemed to have was a guy who couldn't even pull himself together enough to say thanks but no thanks.

It sucked.

It sucked a whole lot and I was in really rough shape.

I knew I had to try to work myself out of the awfulness and I forget exactly what prompted it, but I wrote a big long note to Jay saying all the things I'd wanted to say when he first told me he wanted to date other people.  I hadn't told him at the time because he was so unwell and I didn't want to stress him.  So I told him everything that was on my mind.

And I suppose I felt better.  Sending that message triggered a massive amount of tears and I feel like that's part of why the month had been so rough.  I'd kept it all in (trying to save Jay) and it just festered and got worse.

After the breakdown and release, I still felt lonely.  And, I don't know if I'm the only one who deals with this, but I was hormonal.  And not in a the normal way hormonal women are portrayed, but in the... well... "naughty" way.

I was... very hormonal.  If you get what I'm saying.  *blush*

So much so that I started texting with Jay about some of our good times.

The physical ones.

Which is a dangerous game, but it's also a mood lifter to share those thoughts and memories and feelings.

Jay suggested that maybe this wasn't a great topic of conversation, but my un-brain got the better of the rest of me and I told him I didn't care.

I think it was Saturday when Jay texted me that the place he was staying was getting very uncomfortable and he really thought he should come stay with me.

I told him still no.

He suggested, and I'm not making this up, that I should take care of him, feed him, keep him safe, and that we should screw.

I laughed.

Like, seriously?

But he was.  Serious.

Which I found even funnier.

I could not believe he'd actually just said that.

I mean, I like sex as much as the next guy.  Maybe more than the next guy.  But I don't like it enough to become a care-giver just to have it.  Are you kidding me?  Who did this guy think he was?  And who the hell did he think I was?

So no.  The answer was still no.

I started to get annoyed as Jay complained about how he couldn't take care of himself back at home and I said, rather snappily, that I was sure his new girlfriend could help him with that.

Well, he said, the new girlfriend isn't exactly a girlfriend.  I'm just one of her partners.

And then it all clicked into place.

Jay insisting that he was able to have sex, whenever I told him there was no point in him coming to stay with me because "he couldn't have sex in his state anyway." Jay telling me that this girlfriend isn't a girlfriend.  Jay telling me that this was the healthiest relationship ever.  Jay telling me at Burning Man that his soul mate would be someone he never needed to pay attention to, she'd totally take care of herself and he'd just show up and they could hang out.

Jay was already sleeping with her.

And that's when the anger started.

Anger that Jay thinks his "healthiest relationship ever" is with someone who's already in a relationship so all he has to do is feel close to her and have sex.

But more than that, anger that Jay actually asked me to take care of him and sleep with him when he's already sleeping with this new person.

What a complete lack of respect for me.  Not just what I told him I believed in and was comfortable with, but my health.  Physical and emotional.

Anger that he thinks I'm the type of person who is worth so little that he can be cared for, taken care of, fed by and have sex with for no effort on his part.

Anger that he thinks he is some amazing gift to me, and I suppose all the women he graces with his presence.

I could go on and on.

I told Jay that I felt stupid that I'd thought when he said "we're taking it slow" that that did not mean he had already slept with her.

I told him I felt like he had tried a monogamous relationship with me and decided it just wasn't for him and that that made me feel used.

I told him I was sorry we couldn't play house anymore.

(Sarcasm is ineffective via text, by the way.  But it feels good in the moment to type it.)

I asked him if he'd already been with her the last time we were together and he assured me that they had only gotten together post accident.  (And yes I believe him.  Jay never lies to me, and I appreciate that.)  So at least I don't have to worry about safe sex concerns.  (But it still blows my mind he even wanted to have sex while so injured.  But anyway.)

Jay tried to get me to answer the question of if I'd sleep with him next Burning Man and this continued to infuriate me.  I ended up by saying I had no idea how I would feel nine months from now but if, as I hoped, I was in love with someone else?  No way I'd be sleeping with him.

Jay told me that he really enjoyed sleeping with me, and that I was great, and even in my anger I recognized the compliment and made a mental note of it to refer back to once calmer.

I responded with "thanks."

Which is not what I wanted to respond with.  But I didn't go there.

Not out loud anyway.

But, yeah.  I have never been so angry in my life.

That Jay thought it was ok to do and say and suggest these things to me is the most insulted I've been.

Someone pointed out to me that his request is the most sexist thing they'd ever heard....

Vince, with his calm logic, pointed out that I've always known Jay was this way, and that it just seemed like he was trying to convert me to something I clearly didn't want to be converted to.

And it's true.  I've always known Jay was not someone who was firmly entrenched in the idea of monogamy.

It still hurt to hear him say that from now on I can just assume he is sleeping with and will be sleeping with a lot of people.

Fine.

Just not this one.

I'm sad for him, I think.  Because I don't know if he'll ever know the true deepness that I've felt in a long, loving relationship.  When you know the two of you just want to be together.  I am sad to think Jay doesn't know the rewards of working at a relationship.  And, yes, I'm mad that he gets away with doing nothing... and getting loved, cared for, intimacy and sex.

But I'm going to have to let that one go.

So this weekend was rough.

Incredibly sad and hurt and broken... followed by the most angry I've been in a long time, if not ever.

I don't know where Jay is, or who he is or isn't in a "relationship" with, but I know he wishes me well and wants me to be happy and he even said that he hoped I would walk away and find something better than he can offer.

I hope in time I can find peace when I think of him, and that I will be able to be proud of myself for being in a relationship with him when so much about him frightened me.

Jay and I had fun together.  He'll tell you the same.  It was always easy for us to be around each other.  We laughed a lot together.  We enjoyed each other's company immensely.  And we really liked sleeping with each other.

Now I'm looking for that elsewhere, with someone who wants to be with just me, and who loves me back, and cares for me.  Someone with whom I can share my life in a safe, amazing, awesome way.


Thursday, 5 December 2013

Rest in Peace,  Mr Mandela.

Cortisol Sucks

So, I've been trying to get to a place where I can calmly, and neutrally talk about what happened this weekend with Jay.

I'm better, but when I start to think about it again, the anger comes back and that's a) no fun, and b) not really how I feel like talking about things.

But man, oh man.  I can't remember the last time I was so angry.

I couldn't sleep.

Even after two rounds of mindfulness relaxation, yoga, and a whole lot of deep breathing.

Had it not been 11:00 at night, I would have gone for a run just to try to get rid of some of the anger.

The only positive thing about being that angry is that it often gives me forward momentum, and in this case it put me in a stronger mental place than the sadness had me in.

Still felt awful though.

A very anger-filled kind of awful.

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

I Just Get So Sleepy

Colourful by foundimagination
I read a lot.

Or at least I think I do.

Most of my reading is done in bed at night, so for me "bedtime" doesn't always mean "the time I am falling asleep", just "the time I am getting into bed to read."

I like reading outside of bed too, but I realized a kind of funny thing the other day.

See, when I'm in bed, I tend to be most comfortable on my right hand side, reading until I feel sleepy.

So when I read on my couch, I lie on my right hand side.  And then I start to feel sleepy!

I could read in a chair, but it's so much more relaxing to lie covered with a blankie, and it's easiest to lie on my side so I don't have to hold the book up.

I guess I'm a super lazy reader.

So, yeah.  Haven't been reading outside of bed as much lately because I just end up wanting a nap and that's not the point.

Funny how the body gets into these habits you don't even know are habits, eh?

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Impolite

I suppose I should also mention that I did, after a few days of hearing nothing, contact the fellow I'd met.

We'd been texting a bunch before we met so when he went silent I knew he was making his retreat and it sucked.

My friends tried to give me the "he's just waiting three days!" speech, but I knew he wasn't.  Like I say, you don't go from a bunch of communication to no communication if you like the person and want to see them again.

So a few days after our "date" I sent him a text that said I'd liked meeting him and would like to go out again, but if he wasn't interested that was fine too.

I honestly thought he'd message back saying a polite, thanks but no thanks.  I mean, I'd sort of purposely given him that out, you know?

But nothing.

Which is sad, because it turns a nice guy into kind of a jerk.

We're not in elementary school anymore where a breakup could be done by just ignoring the person.  And by "breakup", I mean, let's not sit next to each other on the bus anymore.

So I was pretty bummed about that, and a little annoyed at his rudeness.

But I had a weird... metaphor?  Analogy?  Thingamy come to mind this weekend, post massive breakdown cries.

My Mom has a friend who's worked with a personal shopper for most of her life.  And I remember my Mom telling me that this friend said that shopping is work.  She said, on average, you have to try on eight shirts to find one that suits you really well.

And so this weekend I was like, well, I guess I have to go on, like, eight meet you dates before I find one that has the potential on both of our ends to turn into another date.  Like, I have to keep just trying on shirts to find one that looks really good on me.

(It makes sense in my head.)

Which kind of sucks, because I don't enjoy shopping.  And I don't enjoy putting myself out there, meeting someone and getting rejected.

I wonder if the shirts feel bad when I put them back on the hanger and send them back to the shelves?

Monday, 2 December 2013

Sigh

He'll Happily Guard Your Fruit! by foundimagination
Yeah, so I just went ahead and bought new advent calendars because I'm thinking those first two got left at the store.  Like, maybe they were the last thing to go into the bag and then somehow just didn't go into the bag.

Anyhow, it's December.  And I'm going to focus on the fact that that means the days will soon start to not be quite so "omg why is it dark at 4:30 already?" soon.

Last week was lousy, you guys.  I just wanted to cry.  And things might have felt better if I did, but I also had to function day to day so I just kind of kept it at bay.

I actually ended up taking a couple of days off of work this weekend, and I'm glad I did.

This weekend then turned into the culmination of a bad week in a bad month and the tears shed Friday night alone weren't fun, but clearly needed.

I think it was also Friday night that I found myself so unhappy I didn't quite know what to do with myself.

I let a friend know.  She's in the healthcare field so asked me if I was concerned that I was going to hurt myself in anyway.  I said no, but there's something about being asked that that's so reassuring.  Please remember that.  If you have a friend in rough shape and they tell you they're in rough shape, ask them if they're going to hurt themselves.

I've been in that place before and it can be very frightening when you think you're there alone.  It takes courage to reach out, and if someone reaches out to you, take that as a sincere complement; they feel safe with you.

So, yeah, I was scared.  Felt like I had been so sad and so hurt all month and I was scared that I was stuck there, never going to get out.

A lot of my sad last week was partly because I did end up meeting a really nice guy for a date last weekend, and I had a great time.  He was super cute and fun and funny and smart and I had a really nice.  That was awesome.

And, I thought he had a good time too.  And maybe he did.

But I haven't heard from him since.

I gave up after a couple of days, and no, don't give me the "maybe he's just waiting three days" crap, these are the days of texting where if you're interested, you text them.  He's not interested.  But those days were hard.  So hard.  And combining that with Jay moving on, it just felt like sh*t.  And then I had to tell my brain to stop telling me it meant I was un loveable.  Because that's not fair or true.

I just want to be in love with this great guy, whoever he is.  And it was SO nice to have such an easy, great time with this guy, and then so sad that he didn't want to pursue anything.

Left me feeling worse than if I'd never tried at all.

Maybe.  At least for the week.

But I'm guessing this too will pass and I'll be feeling better soon enough and maybe it's just a matter of being patient and hopeful until the great guy does come along.

I'd just like it to be now.

Things with Jay came to a head this weekend too, so it was this whole conflagration of crappiness all at once.
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