Friday, 31 January 2014

Archival Footage

For reasons that matter only slightly right this second, I started to go through some of my old archives.

And I found a bunch of videos (I gave up after three) that I've put in posts that no longer exist.

And on top of that, there's no indication of what, exactly the video was.  So, yay?

Because I feel like I should probably go back and go through and maybe clean some of those up.

It feels like a ginormous task, but maybe once I start going it'll be fine.

And I'll try to start putting little reminders of what the video is so that I'll be able to help out future me if I have to do this in another buncha years.

I don't know if that'll mean that people on whatever feed thingamy might get really annoyed every time I update a post (does that happen?  I don't know.  Will someone tell me if it does?  Like if it appears I just posted four new posts but all I actually did was update four old ones to like, fix typos or videos or something? Cuz I'd hate to accidentally spam people with no actual new posts!  Argh!)

But, yeah.  Apparently not everything on the interwebs is forever.

Or something.

Thursday, 30 January 2014

Is It Bedtime Yet?

Winter Sun by foundimagination
I am exhausted right now but I feel like it wouldn't be fair if I didn't at least mention the fact that Jason and I have talked every day since that first long phone call last weekend.

And, yes, I'm sure you'd like to hear more, I would love to write more, but I am barely keeping my eyelids open and I need to sleep.  (Don't worry, I wrote this last night to post this morning, I'm not going to drive to work asleep)

So I'll see if I can't wake my brain up by the weekend to do some over-thinking about that one.

Or not.

That was supposed to somehow be a joke.

Ha ha?

Zzzzz.

Wha?  Huh?

Hey, hi!

Ok.  I'll stop now.

Updated to add:  It's hilarious to me that I wrote this last night and thought I set it to post this morning but I was so tired I didn't set it to post until this evening.  So, yeah.  Still so tired.  For sure.

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

The Macaroon Fiasco!

Oooooooookay.

So there's this treat that my Mom makes for Christmas that I adore.

And by "adore" I mean I've snuck it out of the freezer where she stores it after making it ever since I was a kid.

(And, yes, I still sneak it out of her freezer as an adult.)  (But so does my Dad!)  (Anyway)

So Mom makes it around Christmas, and once, when the stars aligned and I used my special eyelash batting powers, she made it for my Birthday.  I love the stuff.

This Christmas, she made an extra batch the week before New Years and then gave most of it to me to keep it from Dad's belly (her words, not mine) and I hoarded that stuff like Scrooge McDuck.

And then I had an idea.  Why not try to make it myself?  And then if it tasted ok, take some to my parents as a nice surprise and thank you for always making it for us.  And then I'd have an endless supply of my own!  (And by "endless", I mean, I could keep making more if I learned how.)

So I googled "Scottish Macaroon" and printed out the recipe.

I've helped my Mom make it before, so I knew the basics of the final stages, but all I really knew was that it involved potatoes (as weird as that sounds) and some kind of magic.

Because I wanted to surprise my parents, I didn't want to call and ask them for help, and because I've also helped my Mom make potato scones (my other favourite Scottish food) I bought five medium potatoes, cut and peeled them and boiled them up.  I figured I didn't want to make too small of a batch.

Now, if anyone knows about making macaroons, you're already laughing, but I didn't know.

So I glanced at the recipe at this point and noticed that it said you only needed so many ounces of potato, but I figured they were being modest and I wanted a big batch.  I also noticed that the recipe called for close to four times the amount of icing sugar (yup, that's the basics, potato and icing sugar, really) but I kind of shrugged that off too.  Probably because I'd seen my Mom making this stuff so I felt like I knew what was involved.

The recipe was decent and warned that when I added the icing sugar the potatoes (now mashed and cooled overnight) would get watery.  This was the weirdest thing when it happened.

And is also when I started to worry.

Because suddenly the modest bowl of mashed potatoes I'd made was a soupy mix of potato sugar soup that was threatening to overflow the bowl.  And it wasn't anywhere near the "dough like substance" I was supposed to be aiming for.

I kind of wanted to call my folks and just ask, but instead, I figured maybe I'd used too many potatoes and so I dumped half of the mixture down the toilet (insert sad song here for loss of potential macaroons.)

One bag of icing sugar in and nothing changed.

I called my Dad.

"Dad, can I have a private conversation?"  Dad usually uses speaker phone and I wanted to at least surprise Mom.  He went into the other room.

"I'm trying to make macaroon and all I have is a potato soup bowl!" I started laughing.  "The bowl's going to overflow and I've already thrown half of it away! What do I do?"

"Well, you probably had too many potatoes, but just keep adding icing sugar and it'll firm up."

(I was finding the whole thing hilarious, but I also really wanted to figure out how to make these things!)

I emptied the other bag in and held my breath as the soup turned to something less soup like but still not entirely stiff.

I figured I'd gotten the "dough like" consistency though so I went ahead and toasted the coconut (while trying not to spill coconut all over my oven while also not burning said coconut or my delicate spoon holding hands.)

I manipulated the macaroon into the sort of rectangle like shapes they're meant to be, and I knew I hadn't gotten the consistency right but I figured it might still be ok.  I stuck the bars in the fridge for a while to set more and melted the chocolate.

Now, I hadn't used all of the mixture, but I'd run out of cookie sheets to put the bars on so I just set the rest aside for now.

I wasn't sure how best to melt the chocolate because I didn't want it too hot, but I also wasn't sure how runny it should be.

Or even if I'd bought the right kind of chocolate.

(Le sigh.)

But I melted it anyway, got out the bars and started to coat them.

At which point, the already rather soft bars started to melt with the heat of the chocolate and stretched out while I was holding them, caked in blobs of chocolate that wasn't melty enough as I then dipped it into the toasted coconut and set them on wax paper to dry.

I limped my way through the two sheets worth of bars before I ran out of chocolate and decided that the rest of the mixture could just head off into the garbage with a salute and a prayer.

I put the slightly unattractive but generally complete macaroons into the freezer and the next day I packed them up and took them over to Mom and Dad's.

They were pleased, and surprised, and declared them good enough to eat (which they did) and when I told them my ridiculous story my Mom asked me how many potatoes I'd used.

"Five?  Six?"  I answered.

"Victoria!  That's enough to make potato scones!  For macaroon, all you need is a tablespoon's worth or so!"

Oh.

Well.

That explains a lot then, doesn't it.

So I'm going to try again this weekend, that's how determined I am to have an endless supply of macaroon at my fingertips, but this time I'll just get one potato and see how that goes.

But if anyone ever needs potato icing sugar soup?

I've got a great recipe!

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

A Three Sixty

Case by foundimagination
I'm not doing Project 365 (a photo every day for a year) this year and I'm a little sad about it.

Sad's not quire the right word, but I think I'm missing it.

I've done it three times now, three years.  I think I took a year off before, but I'd have to go look.

(Hey, Victoria, it's super easy to go look.  So go look.)

Yeah, I did it in 2010, took 2011 off, and then did it two years in a row for 2012 and 2013.

I think I wanted the break because at the switchover to the new year it felt like more of a chore than something I was really into.  Like, I found myself thinking, damn, I haven't taken a photo today and now I have to go find something, anything to shoot, rather than thinking about what I might like to go take.

I dunno.  I know it's hard in the shorter times of year when it's dark when I wake up and dark when I get home from work (oh and can I just stop for a second to squeal with joy over the fact that the days seem to be getting ever so slightly longer again?  Squeeee!) and I know that December is a hard month for things anyway, but I came to January first and just didn't feel like jumping back into it.

Which, as I say has been a bit of a mixed blessing because some days I'm relieved that it's not something else on my plate, but I sometimes find myself going "oh... I didn't actually take any photos today...(sad face)" so I don't know.

I guess part of me likes the forced consistency while part of me is relieved to have a bit of breathing room.

And I'm still taking a photo most days, don't get me wrong...

And there's also the fact that I do have a not-so-anonymous second flickr account now and I want to start putting my "favourite" photos there, without neglecting this account, so I was having a hard time coming up with two great photos every day.

Now the funny thing is when I do have two photos I like, trying to figure out which one goes where.

I generally put the one I like slightly more on my other one, and the "almost" one here.

So, yeah.  Not doing 365 this year for photos.

But still doing a drawing a day, still writing every day, still taking photos nearly every day.

And trying to drink more water.

Every day.


Monday, 27 January 2014

Sorry, Mini Rant Time (And On A Monday Too. My Bad)

I'm really uncomfortable with targeted advertising.

One of the courses that had a lot of influence on how I think, and especially how I think about advertising was a sociology course with the brilliant Dr Koenig.  At one point, he talked about how the "bonus" cards that stores had were really just to track your purchases so that they could use your info (demographics) to then target advertising at you more effectively.

I avoided these cards for ages, but finally caved when I realized I wasn't paying attention to advertising anyway, and I could get "free" money discounts with the points.

But now it's the internet that's doing it, and it's really disturbing.

Well, I suppose it's google really, (and everyone it now owns... ) but I can sort of handle it when I email a friend about how nice their garden looks and text ads for "Local Gardeners" show up in the side bar.

I had a harder time when I started looking at random YouTube videos and the ad that came on before (don't get me started on how much I hate being forced to watch ads on YouTube!) started with "Hey Victoria" (as in the city... not me personally!) and I really didn't like that.

But the one that really pushed me over the edge was this last one.  It was in the side bar of YouTube, and it was an ad for a website that I'd visited lately.

And the pictures on the ad were the three items I'd looked at on that website.  The three exact skirts I'd checked out.  Just "magically" there on this ad.

I really, really, really, really don't like being tracked.

And I don't like it shoved back in my face either.

I know I can't really expect privacy on the internet, or anonymity particularly, really, but this?  This force feeding me WHAT I WILL BUY!!!!!! really turns me off.

And disturbs me.

And makes me want to put another layer of tin-foil on my already quite thick tin-foil hat.

Sigh.


Saturday, 25 January 2014

Unusual Is Putting It Mildly

Because by foundimagination
So there I am at 10ish on a beautifully sunny Saturday morning and I'm in a rough place.

I feel raw and open and vulnerable and I know that I really really do not want to contact Jay.  But that if I don't do something, I will.

So I go back to the dating site.

And I scroll through and message a few people just to reach out and make contact with someone and I hear back from one guy fairly quickly.

He's a photographer, which of course, I find interesting, and I like what he's said he's looking for in a relationship, but he says he's a "handful" so I ask him what he means by this.

He explains that his life is quite unusual, and for example, if he shoots models, he needs a strong woman who won't be phased or jealous by this, and that he can sometimes travel and that he just knows he can be a lot to handle and that he needs a strong woman.

I tell him that I don't think I'm a particularly strong woman, but if he thinks he might disagree, we can chat.

We message back and forth for a while and then exchange numbers, and as I'm getting changed for a workout (first one since I got so sick, I'm so proud of myself!) he calls.

Like, bring bring, calls my cell phone.

Now, no one calls my cell phone.  (Except my neighbour telling me my bike was being stolen!) So I'm pretty surprised, and in all the times I've exchanged cell numbers with a guy, it's only ever turned into a text thing.

So I don't answer it, but I listen to the message he leaves and he has a nice voice and I'm kind of like... "huh."

I text him (of course.. that's what my cell phone is for) and say that I was getting changed and missed his call, but that I don't really use my cell.  (I don't, I don't like talking on it, it's awkward, and the reception is rarely good and then I get face slime all over the screen!)

He says he's free for a bit and would like to call so I have no real idea why, except that the day has already been so odd, but I give him my home land line number.

And he calls.

We chat for a bit, I can't remember about what.  I ask him about his kids or something about his work and then he has to go because someone showed up to do work.

I think it sort of helped settle me down or something, because I felt better after we'd talked (flattered maybe?) and I worked out and that helped too.

He texted later, asked how my workout was and if I was free to talk again, I told him I had to shower and left it at that.

It was after dinner Saturday evening when my phone rang.

It was him.

I wasn't really sure why he was calling, but figured I had nothing to lose and so we started to chat.  And for the first while, I was really not loving things.  He told me he'd had a few beers with his business meeting and his energy was just... big.  And loud.  And I was suddenly regretting giving this person my phone number and wondering how I could get out of this conversation but there were also moments where I'd find myself laughing, so I just kept listening.

And because I didn't care, I told him straight forwardly that he was too big of a personality for me.

He said that really he was just kind of nervous, and that usually he was much more chill.

And I get that.

So we kept talking.

About anything and everything, and he told me I was pretty awesome, and that he had no idea why I was single.

I told him at one point that I didn't think I would date him, and I thought that would end the conversation but we ended up talking until I realized it was midnight and had to go to sleep.

Nearly five hours we talked.

I have no idea why.

Or what it means.  If anything.

Or what might come out of it.  If anything.

But you guys, this was certainly the most out of my control sort of "what is the Universe going to bring me now" kind of Saturday I've ever had.

Jay...the "not actually single" guy and that whole thing... and talking and having good conversation with a stranger on the phone for nearly five hours.

It was such a weird weird day.

I had more weird dreams Saturday night, about moving out of my childhood home, and my high school best friend moving out of hers too (even though it wasn't her house in the way dreams work.)  And some other dreams I don't seem to remember now but yeah.

I feel like I'm just supposed to let whatever happen that's going to happen and see.

I would like to take in the fact that both the FWB guy and the long phone talk guy both were very positive about me and I should remember and believe that and remind myself of that when my not so nice voice starts telling me otherwise.

So yeah... that's my so weird Saturday and who knew, eh?

Friday, 24 January 2014

And Then

The guy and I started emailing back and forth, and the conversation was particularly heated (on his end... I was just enjoying it.  Buddy could make a killing writing erotic fiction, just saying.)

I told him it was sunny and maybe we should meet!  I figured maybe we'd hit it off but I knew that I was going to take it slow and not jump into anything physical right off the bat.

He asked if I'd send him another picture first (I only have the one on my profile and I'd sent him a more recent but completely PG one) and I was like dude, let's just meet.

And then he said he had to "confess" something.

He told me that he was sorry, he'd wanted to tell me sooner, but he'd just gotten caught up in everything and had been "captivated" by me, but he was actually in a relationship.

I really have to say I didn't see it coming.  He really had been very thoughtful and gentle when we spoke.  He'd assured me that he was totally ok with whatever I was comfortable with and if I said no that was fine too.  He'd said it was all about what I felt safe with so he never came across as a jerk or creepy or anything other than an intelligent guy looking for a physical "relationship" rather than an emotional one (he said it was because his last breakup had been really rough and while he was missing physical intimacy, he wasn't ready to look for love again yet.)  So I didn't think he was a creep or a liar.

Maybe that's just me being trusting, (or maybe it's me being naive about these sort of situation), but I was like, ok, yeah no.

I told him that I wasn't going to help him hurt someone, that I believed in girl code and that if he was unhappy he needed to talk to his partner.

He asked if we could have just a virtual connection, I told him no, that's still cheating.

He wished me well and said he understood and that he'd put up the profile in a fit of frustration and taken it down but that I'd captured his attention and he'd wanted to tell me but didn't.

I deleted all of our emails and his contact information.

I wish more people, if they are unhappy in their relationship, physically, had the strength and nerve to talk with their partner about it.  It's the same thing I've said to Vince.  If you're that unhappy, either try to fix it or get out of the relationship.

This guy said that his relationship was toxic and confused and that he really missed good sex.

I don't care.

But I was disappointed.

I'd gotten around to the idea that I was going to try having a "fun" relationship and I was sort of looking forward to getting to the fun stuff, and now that wasn't going to happen.

And I was mad that he was cheating on his partner, and I was mad that he'd strung me along too.

So there I was, Saturday morning, feeling thrown off by hearing from Jay, and then having come around to the idea that I could have a friends with benefits type relationship and finding out that the guy had pretty much been lying and wasn't single.

I was not in an awesome state.

Thursday, 23 January 2014

So, Yeah

We Came Home by foundimagination
So this guy and I have been emailing for a couple of weeks and I've gotten to a point of comfort with the idea and certain parts of me are *very* excited about the prospect of being able to have some happy fun times (if and when we meet and I see that we have some chemistry and I feel comfortable with this guy.)

Our conversations at the end of last week got very personal, and the mind is a massive player in the whole bedroom arena and I was enjoying the thoughts and future possibilities.  (Even knowing that it might not go anywhere, it was still a ton of fun to think about and talk about.)

So all this is going on and we've decided that we'll go for a walk on Sunday if it's sunny.

Friday morning, I wake up and out of nowhere, there's a text from Jay.

He's letting me know that he's going to a rope work course (the type of rope work you'd use with a partner) and he remembers me complimenting a woman at Burning Man on the rope work she was wearing (it can be quite beautiful as an art form.)

I was pretty stunned to hear from him.

I told him I hoped he would enjoy it.  He asked how I was.  I said fine.  He told me he wasn't sure if he was going to Burning Man this year.  I said oh.  He asked if he could send me a hug.  I said, sure, hugs are always welcome from anyone.  He apologized.  Said this one would be too confusing.

I didn't say anything to that.

But I did sit down at my breakfast table and start to cry.

I'm not really sure why, but hearing from him made me sad.  Maybe sad that it didn't work out and I'd hoped it would?  Sad.

I cried for a bit, then got through the day a bit weirded out by his contact.

Friday evening, I watched a Pink Floyd documentary, which I only mention because that night I had a bizarre dream where I (as a young me) was at a party and met (a very old) David Bowie (who I only knew was David Bowie because it was a dream, he looked nothing like how David Bowie actually currently looks) and we ended up having sex because he wanted to and you don't say no to David Bowie.

So that was kind of weird, although I see where my brain sort of got the story from.

So waking up on Saturday, I was feeling a little "off" from having heard from Jay, but it was sunny and beautiful and that helped a lot.

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

To Start

I had a very. . . a very. . . strange day on Saturday.  And before I tell you about it all, I have to tell you about what lead up to it I guess.

A couple of weeks ago, a guy contacted me on the dating site and his profile was well written and articulate but expressed that he wasn't looking for anything other than a friend with benefits.

Now, ordinarily I delete those messages and don't respond to them but I've been having some... difficult thoughts lately.

Difficult thoughts that have to do with certain feelings I have and how the last person I shared those feelings with was Jay and how when I have those feelings my brain thinks a lot less clearly and I find myself wanting to just say screw it and contact Jay and at least have some naughty conversation with him and some attention in the general area of those feelings and well, yeah I'll I've been really .... you know.

So I'm guessing that's the main reason I messaged this fellow back at all instead of ignoring him.  Somehow I felt it was better for me to amuse myself with this than to pine over wanting Jay, because I don't... and I know that if Jay and I "connected" again in that way I would just be hurt and sad all over again and I don't want that.  (It's just hard to remember when my hormones are raging.)

So I started an email conversation with this guy were I was straightforward about the fact that I really wasn't made for this FWB thing and I didn't think I wanted to meet him.  (And no, I don't know what I was thinking or why I chatted with him.)

We talked more and more and he's a very intelligent guy and I really enjoyed his conversation and how he presented himself and I guess I started to ask myself if I could actually be in a relationship that was not a relationship.  I mean, I'd done it with Jay, but we had feelings and love behind it and it was after we'd been together.  But hadn't I started other relationships that way?  With the physical?  And wasn't I trying to avoid that?

Yes, but this wasn't a relationship and wouldn't be.

So I thought about it and thought about it and talked it over with some friends "I think I might be considering meeting a guy to have a non-relationship and just... sex?" and meanwhile he asked more and more intimate questions and I dodged most of them but I was certainly getting interested in a non-cerebral way.

I decided that I would meet him, and that if we clicked (he'd send me a picture and he wasn't un-attractive, if not quite my usual type) that maybe it might be fun to have some smooching and cuddling and whatnot for a while and maybe having that might make me not so nervous or anxious about meeting someone else.

I even thought that maybe I would have a great time because I would know it would never be a relationship and so I wouldn't worry about all that stuff.  But I told myself that it would probably end up with me getting hurt and me developing feelings that weren't returned.

But... traditional relationships also ended with me getting hurt so at least with this one I'd have some physical fun and release right?

So, yeah, I convinced myself that it would be something I was going to try, to see.  And I'd told some friends and that made it feel more normal too.

Now because of the nature of things, this guy didn't have his profile up for long and hadn't given out much identifying information.  So I was a little cautious because usually before I meet a guy I know his full name, what he does, where he works and all I had from this guy was a couple of pictures, a first name and a general idea of his area of work.  I told him that I was pushing my comfort limit, but I figured we'd meet in a public place and then exchange numbers and whatnot once we'd met and found out neither of us were crazy.  And, I never got that vibe from him.  He has a daughter, and I respected that he didn't want his clients or co-workers to know that he was putting himself out that way and so was being cautious.

So we'd made a plan to meet this weekend and that's the background to Saturday's weirdness.

(And, yes, I'm turning comments off for most of this one I figure.  Sorry.)

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Hole-y

I'm Just Feeling Kind of Blue by foundimagination
I have a favourite pair of jeans that I got a couple of years ago.

They fit really well, and when I wear them people ask me if I've lost weight, so they must do something flattering for my lower half.

And they're comfortable.  (Which, is like the most important thing!)

I noticed a month or so ago that they were starting to look worn in the general crotch-ish area, but I didn't think much about it because jeans usually last for ever.

So I was slightly horrified to be sitting on my couch cross-legged at the end of the day this weekend and find that "worn" had become "worn through" and that I could, in fact, see skin.

Eeeek!

Horrified because I didn't know when this had happened and what if I had been sitting like this somewhere and been seen? 

Also bummed that my favourite jeans have to go bye bye and I have to go jeans shopping again. 

Boo, boo and double boo.

So, yeah... For probably at least one day, I wore jeans that were partially see through.

It could have been a lot worse. 

Yikes.

Monday, 20 January 2014

Leeward

Things with Lee haven't gone anywhere, and that's ok.

I did contact him another time (and again this weekend) and he apologized for being out of touch, and lamented the fact that work was keeping him so busy he wasn't finding the time to do the things he wanted to.

And I'll just leave it at that.

He knows how to contact me if he wants to and I'd totally hang out with him again, but the way I see it, there wasn't enough of a spark on his end to make time to see me, and I'm not going to keep trying to get this guy to spend time with me when he's not showing much interest.

So, I'll look at it as a good couple of meetings with a nice fellow and a good practice and desensitization to meeting strangers and working through feeling nervous.

Saturday, 18 January 2014

This Might Totally Just Be Me

Alternate by foundimagination
Do you ever think that everything is really weird?

Like... I mean... everything.

Is just weird.

I can't explain it without making it seem like it's just one specific example, but sometimes I just look at the things I do as a human being from day to day... the things we all do, and I think... man... that's weird.

Am I making sense to anyone at all out there?

Friday, 17 January 2014

Musically Speaking

Someone asked me if I was willing to do something and because it made me nervous I said "probably maybe."

And then I was sitting staring at their response email "probably maybe sounds good" and I started singing Björk. (Possibly Maybe)

Which then made me start to think about music I used to LOVE but haven't listened to in ages.

Björk...  Travis... so many great songs that aren't in my day to day rotation and I'm not sure why.

Partly it's habit.  I start listening to new stuff and want to hear it over and over again, rinse and repeat, but partly it's also that certain things maybe have more energy than I do right now, or not so much that my tastes have changed, but I'm in a place where maybe calmer music works better.

Or something.

Some things haven't changed, like Led Zeppelin is always in my shuffle and always a go to...

It was just an odd little thought, to realize I haven't listened to some songs and artists in a while, even though I love their stuff.


Thursday, 16 January 2014

I Can't Even Remember What It Was Now

Today Called For Comfort Food by foundimagination
The oddest thing happened to me the other day.

I was sitting on my couch doing nothing much in particular, when I all of a sudden had a craving for something.

It wasn't near lunch or dinner, and I hadn't just eaten and I hadn't been thinking about food or watching anything about food, it just suddenly came into my head.

Which isn't that weird, I get cravings for things now and then.

What was weird is that I couldn't figure out what it was I was craving.

I could taste it, exactly what it tasted like, but I couldn't figure out or remember what it was that tasted like that.

It was the strangest thing to not be able to name the taste/flavour memory.

I'm sure it's something I've eaten before... I just have no idea what it was.

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

T Is For Talent

I have discovered I have an amazingly awesome and totally mind blowing talent!

Ok, so not really, but I have found out I have accidentally picked up a skill that I keep thinking is pretty cool!

See, I take a lot of vitamins. 

I don't really mind if they're placebo and all I'm doing is spending money to get very expensive pee, I'm still taking them just in case.

On Sunday, I take a few minutes to dole out my vitamins for the week into one of those "weekly" vitamin holder things.  This saves me trying to fish out the right vitamins in the morning when I'm half asleep.  It's a time saver.

I don't remember when I first noticed it, but I've picked up the ability to tip out exactly the right number of vitamins from each bottle.

It's the weirdest (coolest!) thing!  I grab the whatever (say, calcium) bottle, tip out some pills into my hand, start flopping them into the container thing and?  Exactly seven!

I'm so awesome!!!!!

No, but really, it is kind of cool.

Maybe you have to be there to see what I mean.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

The Scarf

Do-Over by foundimagination
For Christmas last year a friend of mine at work made me a scarf that I loved.

I say loved in the past tense because I was wearing it in early spring and took it off and put it on the back of my chair at a meeting and then forgot about it, and by the time I remembered where I'd put it it was gone.

I was bummed because she'd made it for me and I loved it and it was my favourite colours and went with everything I wore (pretty much) and it kept me warm like with a hug.

By the time I lost it I had asked the friend to teach me how to knit the type of scarf and we'd gone and bought the needles and yarn and I'd started making some too, but that particular colour of wool was out.

And kept being out.  I couldn't even find it online.

Randomly, I went to the store in summer and there it was!  (I guess fewer people knit in summer or something.) I bought some and went home and happily knit myself a new scarf.

I was excited to wear it come Fall, but when I did, I noticed that it was longer than the one my friend had knitted me.  Instead of wrapping it twice (it's an infinity loop) I would have to wrap it three times and then it was too tight.  So it wasn't fitting the way I really liked.

I took it in to work and showed my friend and she said that I was just a much looser knitter than she was so my scarf was longer.

But I wanted it to be shorter, so I decided to pick apart the two ends I'd sewn together, and rip it apart a bit and refinish it, because I wanted it to be as perfect as the one she'd made me!

So I started to pick it apart, but it was not going as smoothly as I thought it should have and that's when I realized I was picking apart, not the join, but where I'd started knitting in the second skein of wool.  Ie.  Totally the wrong place.  Ugh.  I was making a mess.

I took it in to work again and asked the two knitting ladies (my friend and one other) for help.  Well, after taking a look at it, they told me the only thing really to be done was to rip the entire thing apart and start again.

Which, should have been easy enough except that somehow the way I knit?  Means there's a random almost knot at the end of each row.  (What?)

So tearing the thing apart was a little more frustrating and time consuming than it should have been, especially when the ball of yarn started to get bigger.

So now I'm re-knitting the scarf that I had already knitted to replace the same one that was knitted for me and lost.

And I don't even know how long I want it to be because I don't have the old scarf as an example to measure.

Le sigh.

This has got to be some sort of metaphor for something in my life, no?

This scarf had better get finished before Winter's over!

Monday, 13 January 2014

Must Have Been Something In The Air

Yesterday (was it yesterday?  Sunday?  Yes.  Anyway...) I went for lunch with two of my dear friends that I haven't seen in a while.

They came over and we caught up on things and then headed downtown for fresh air and sushi.

Oh, and I needed to pick up a new makeup pencil thing that I keep meaning to get.

Except we got to the mall and I realized I'd left the house without my purse.  Nothing.

I mean, I had my keys, and an umbrella and my phone, but... no purse, no handbag, no wallet, nothing.  No money.

Gah.

My friend said no problem, she'd spot me some cash, so we went to the bank machine.

I chatted with her while in line and then waited while she punched in whatever thingamies.

And then she turned to me.

"Um.  I think I just took out a whole lot of money."

"I wasn't really paying attention and I hit button 8 and I think that's for, like $200."

Except it was for $400.

She'd accidentally taken out $400.

So while I'd forgotten my money entirely, she was taking out WAY more than intended.

Luckily, she works at a bank and will just deposit the extra back in tomorrow, but man oh man... between the two of us, we were all sorts of money messed up!

We got back home and I'd told her I'd give her the money she loaned me back right away because, clearly, I had it, it was just safely at home.

Except we got home and I was distracted by trying on the cute top she knitted and so when they left and I remembered I had $40 to give her, I grabbed it from my wallet and ran downstairs, hoping I was in time to catch them!

Except that it was dusk by then and I didn't have my glasses on so I wasn't sure which car they'd brought and so I ran towards the car I thought was theirs figuring they'd see me and stop, but as I got to the car it drove away so either they didn't see me or I was waving at two strangers who thought I was a crazy person trying to give away money.

So, yeah... I figure there was something in the air yesterday.

That's my excuse, anyway.


Saturday, 11 January 2014

To Lean On

I was just about to head to bed last night when my brain, out of nowhere, wanted to hear this song.

And now I'm sharing it with you.

(José Gonzalez - Heartbeats)
Hope all is well in your world.

Friday, 10 January 2014

Like Animotion Says

Let me start by saying I don't really know what it means when people say someone has an "addictive personality" but I always sort of take it to mean that they're more inclined to get addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex, gambling, or whatever else it is that's unhealthy and takes over lives.

When I look at myself, in general, I don't see that I have a problem with addictions.  I'm not a smoker...drinker.. drug user...gambler... and I haven't had you know what since Jay was last in town, so I'm not a you know what addict either.

But I do think I have an addiction.

Technology.

My computer.  Games on my phone.  The internet.

All of it.

I can't stop.

I mean I can.  When I was at Burning Man, the entire week I didn't give a hoot about my phone or my email or anything.  A lot of that was because it was all so stimulating.  You could NOT be bored there.  And my brain wasn't.

But outside of that, it's different.

And I noticed over the holidays that my interactions with technology are not serving me.

I don't... exactly enjoy it.  I mean I do, clearly, and my brain likes the sort of zone out of playing this game or reading that site, but it doesn't... make me happy, or fill my soul (I know that sounds cheesy) or add much to my life.

I tried, over the holidays to put the damn computer down and read.

But I fell asleep.

I tried to put the computer down and draw... knit...anything.

But my brain wanted more.

Wanted to check one more thing, see if something had changed, try one more level of that game.

I kind of hated it.

But I also couldn't, and didn't stop.

And I think that's an addiction.

So, knowing I can be incredibly stubborn when I want to be, how do I change this?  What do I do instead?

How do I distract myself and not be bored and not continually be hooked on my computer.

Watching a show... reading things...looking at things...checking things...things, things, things, things, so many.

I remember a while ago... a few years ago?  Banning myself from stumbleupon because I was spending too much time just click click clicking.

Did the same with Fark.

And some other websites.

Now I'm down to maybe four or five (...maybe a few more?) that I check all the damn time, and a few more I just go to once a day to see if there are updates.

But then there's the shows to watch.  I've even been watching (insert name of show here which will offend people if I admit I'm not really enjoying it) even though I don't really like it.  I found myself putting it on in the evening the other day while I was cooking and... not watching half of it.  Couldn't tell you why.  Just did.

Was it this bad when Jay was living here?

Heck no.

We'd watch a show together once a week, maybe twice if that.  I'd check my email and a site or two, but we'd talk, walk, do things together and so I didn't need the computer distraction all the time.

Because, that's what it is.  A distraction.

I feel like I have to keep my brain overstimulated to shut it down.  Like, when I go on the treadmill at the gym, I have my earphones in with music playing AND I'm reading a magazine.  While being physically active.  And it calms me down somehow?  To have all that going on?  I don't know.

I just know my relationship with my computer (and phone) and the internet is not healthy, and I don't like it and I want it to change.

Just not sure how, or what to replace it all with.  Because I need the down time zoning out on the web or watching a show provides.  But I also know I'm wasting literally years of my life on the web or watching tv shows.

And that's not really a life, is it.

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Who You Gonna Call?

You Know You Want To by foundimagination
Weirdly enough, the other night was the second time in a month that I've called a non-emergency number (as opposed to calling 911)

I took a peek through the archives quickly and it seems I didn't tell you about the last time, so I'll tell you about both now.

Early December, I went to a show with a girlfriend and I was driving her home after.  Along the route, I saw some weird light up ahead where there was a building and park and when we got closer we could both see flames.

They weren't massive and overwhelming... they seemed to be sort of contained, as if they were in a garbage can and the garbage can within a concrete portion.

Neither of us particularly knew what to do.

We didn't stop, it's not an easy place to stop... actually has those no stopping signs up and it's weirdly one way no through traffic.

But neither of us wanted to call 911 either... didn't like the idea of bothering them.  So we didn't do anything.

That didn't sit quite right with me so on the way home I vowed that if the flames were still going, I'd let someone know.  And they were.

Smaller, sure, but still... flamy.

I didn't think it was worthy of a 911 call but when I got home I looked up the fire department's non-emergency number (harder to find than you'd think) and I called them.

I'm still not sure if I should have called 911, but it didn't seem like an emergency to me.  The guy took my name and number (I felt a little surprised, but maybe people who set fires also report them and so they ask for identification?) and said he'd send someone.  By the time the call was over, I could hear the fire trucks on their way (I live not too far from where I'd seen the fire, and the fire station isn't too far from that either) so I guess I felt like it had been important enough to report.

But it was a weird thing, not knowing.  Like... maybe someone else had reported it?  Maybe it was supposed to be there?  (Yeah right, not at 10 at night)  Maybe it wasn't a big deal and wouldn't cause any damage?

But I guess that's what the experts are for, to figure that stuff out.

So, yeah, that was the first call.

The second was just the other night.

I was getting ready for bed when I noticed my neighbour was calling me on my cell phone.  Now, no one calls me on my cell phone and I didn't know why she was calling so late when she could just text, but when she called the second time I was concerned that something might be wrong and she needed help, so I answered.

"Someone's stealing your bike."

She and her boyfriend had heard loud guys outside and had opened their window and seen these two guys trying to take my bike.  The guys had been spooked and took off, but they'd managed to cut the Kryptonite wire and... well, I don't know what they were going to do next, I had a secondary lock on the thing...

I was pretty freaked out, but my neighbour came downstairs with me and we brought my (happily safe!) bike back into my place.

I thought about it for a minute and realized if those guys had just taken off, and had the tools necessary to cut through the cable, they might be going to do it again and I'd probably best tell the police.

Again, I didn't feel it was an emergency so I called the non-emergency line.

It was a little bit of a process, I had to call my neighbour back and ask for a description but the lady I talked to was super nice and put out a dispatch.

She also took my name and info and even date of birth, and said she started a file for me... which I didn't think was necessary as I still have my bike... just a ruined cable.

What she said though was important, and she asked me to tell my neighbour, so I'm telling you guys too.

She said that next time my neighbour (read anyone) sees a burglary in progress to call 911 immediately.  She said not to interrupt, just to quietly watch and call 911.  She said that that way (and I thought this was so cute) the police could come and catch them and put them in jail.  (Or not jail, she adorably corrected herself, if that's not what's to happen.)  She said that since they got scared away, the police can't really do anything and they'll get away with it and so to please ask my neighbour to call 911 next time and that the police would be super nice.

I think that's always part of my fear for calling... I don't want to upset or annoy anyone.

I guess I'll just keep hoping I never have to actually call 911.

So, yeah... those are my two non-emergency phone calls this month.

I think I maybe made a non-emergency ambulance call (can't remember if I did 911 or not) about someone passed out on a bench... I assumed passed out, but hoped not dead, so I guess I've called all three now.  Maybe that's the end of my calling stories?


Wednesday, 8 January 2014

In Stages

We are complex creatures, no?  And I sometimes think some of us are more complex than others, but I could be very wrong on that.  Maybe we're all equally complex, but in different ways.  I don't know.

All I know for sure (a la Oprah?) is that I am very complex.  And I try to wade my way through that complexity, and to find out the things that are holding me back, and to remind myself not to be lazy with practicing the things that help me and make me better.

Something fell into my lap last month that drew me back to a part of me I haven't looked at in years.  Maybe a decade?  A while, anyway.

So I poked at it a little... and then some more... and while it can be incredibly frightening to look at things that have hurt you or things that you had to protect yourself from, it can also be a wonderful thing to work through and find healing and peace.

Vague, I know, but there are parts of me that I don't speak about with hardly anyone.  And so finding this ... thing that came my way... and being brave enough to want to look at myself in a way that may allow me to unravel a complexity, and settle into a part of me that's usually locked away could be healing.

So, here's to those moments of having something show up and trusting that it came to you for a reason, and letting it in even just a little because something deep inside tells you that's what you need to do.

What happens when you peel off the onion layers anyway?

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

A Direction

Winter is Nigh by foundimagination
I found myself watching some crows the other day, hopping from branch to branch.  Flying away from each other.  Following... or chasing... and I found myself wondering what they're thinking.

I think way too much.  Especially with regards to what people think of me... most especially guys.

So I'm sitting there watching the birds, wondering what thoughts they have.  And if they're anything like the thoughts we have.

And are there any animals that worry?  Or... are anxious?  Certainly I've met dogs that have mellower personalities and more... what I'd call anxious personalities.  But what... how... are they thinking?

Are there whales that are upset that their whale partner didn't bring them enough food as a sign of... affection?

Do llamas get jealous?

Are there other animals that sit and analyze things until they feel crazy or is that a solely human trait?

I'll probably never really know any answers to this... and they probably don't matter, except if somehow I can find a lesson in watching the birds.  If I can emulate that .... less "thinking" manner.

I think when I was doing mindfulness more regularly it helped calm the thought rapids.

Exercise helps too, but I'm a little limited by my rib healing at the moment, so just slow going there.

I think if I can also learn to recognize when I'm not doing myself any favours with my thought spirals.

I still sometimes find it helpful to write about them here, kind of gets them out of my system, but maybe if I can try to reduce the other times, the future prediction, the mind reading...

Anyway... it's a direction to point myself in, for sure.

Monday, 6 January 2014

Gut

I think I'm just going to let things be with Lee.

Something about the way things ended last time we hung out, combined with me suggesting another hangout the next day that he wasn't able to make due to other plans... just left me with the gut feeling that he's not that interested.

It may not be me, in particular, it may be with dating in general, but still... I don't feel like chasing this guy (or any guy) and if he's busy, he's busy, and that's fine.  But I'd like someone who thinks of me even when busy and tries to set up a time to hang out.

At the end of our last "date" he said "give me a call later in the week" and I just feel that that put me off.  That's not the same as saying, let's hang out later in the week.  Or, I'll call you later this week to hang out.

I don't know, I'm trying not to overthink it too much, right?

Just get the sense that it's not particularly anything he's really wanting to pursue right now so I'll just let it go.

I'd be happy to be wrong, but my gut generally isn't.

Oh well.

Saturday, 4 January 2014

A Chat

World's Strongest Leaf? by foundimagination
I hung out with Connor last week, we went for coffee while we both had a day off work.

We caught up on life in general, he asked about Jay, I brought him up to speed.  He shook his head, said he had no idea why some guys thought it was ok to treat people like that.

We reminisced about Burning Man and confirmed that we'd all like to go down again this year so I have a ride if I need it and that's nice to know.

I still want him to meet this gal I work with, I think they might like each other, but I know it's awkward to set people up and I know it might not be a match for them, but I still kind of want to try, they're both nice people.

It was nice to sit and chat and catch up and to be able to re-tell stories from our fun adventure this summer.

Friday, 3 January 2014

Second

I went out with Lee again.

Pretty similar to our first "date", but this time a walk in the day time, with his dog.  His dog that he sees part time because he shares him with his ex.  Wife.  Ex-wife.

My brain, once it got over being mega sick, worried about should I or shouldn't I... text him... date him... and all the stupid, annoying, tiring things my brain does.

Over the holidays I asked my brother, what should I do here... text him?  He's a busy guy, but shouldn't I wait til he texts me?

"Victoria, seriously... stop overthinking things."

Well, ok, but...

"No, really.  If the guy's busy he's busy.  If you want to say hi, say hi.  End of discussion.  Guys aren't overthinking things.  They really aren't thinking about anything other than what's right in front of them that moment so you're spending all this time thinking and thinking and worrying and worrying and he's... not.  Give it a rest."

So I texted him.  He'd said we should get together right after Christmas.  And we went for a walk.

I was still nervous.  And still not at my best, and so tired, and I think I maybe felt shy, no I did feel shy.  It's weird, getting to know someone from scratch.

Extra especially when you think you might maybe like to kiss them some time.

He told me to give him a call later in the week, which frustrates me because I don't like the ball being in my court.  Do I?

So, yeah... trying to at least slow down the overthinking somewhat.

And yes I could maybe like him, there's potential there for sure.

Oh, and, no, he's not a smoker.  I asked.

Thursday, 2 January 2014

Cheese!

Sleigh Ride! by foundimagination
I've talked before (I think) about how I always feel guilty with the online dating site because there's judgement involved.

Usually, an initial judgement based on the photos the person has attached to their profile.

There's the initial "are they unattractive (to me)?" judgement, but then there are others I go through.

Guys holding a beer or other drink just makes me think they drink more than I'm comfortable with.  I don't really want to be with a guy who's a big boozer, and if you've got a picture of you with a drink, I'm thinking it's a fairly big thing for you to enjoy your drinking.

Guys showing off their body in some way (shirtless, tight shirt, etc.) just makes me think that they are overly concerned with how they look and that they're more shallow than I'd like a boyfriend/friend to be.

Guys who have a picture of them with a child or a pretty woman just make me uncomfortable because all I can think is "does she know her picture is here, or do that kid's parents know their child is in your profile?"  I'm guessing it's supposed to make me think the guy's good with kids or that he's popular with attractive women but it just makes me not interested.  (The pretty girl thing more so than the kid thing.)

I feel bad, but these are the thoughts I have when I'm looking at someone's profile pictures.  And it's the weirdest thing to be deciding to "talk" to someone or not based on whatever pictures they decided to put up.

But I guess it is what it is and there are probably pictures that women put up that say certain things about them too.

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

All The Best

Happy New Year y'all.

It's going to be a good one, I can tell.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2017 and then some.) Kay? Kay.