Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Aaaaaand Breathe

I'm realizing something that I probably knew before, but didn't really FEEL until I started to pay attention to my relationship with Jason. 

I have this feeling (want/need?) to have everything NOW.  But that's not how it works, and on top of that, it means I'm not actually getting to experience what's happening.

Like, when I'm in a new relationship (be it Jay or Jason or probably even with Vince or Smith) I'm trying to look ahead to what will / might / could happen in the future.  Will we get married?  Will it be a good marriage?  Will we split up because of this, that or the other?  Should I just split up with him now to avoid the later hurt of us splitting up?  Will we be able to afford a house together?  Or in some cases, will we be able to live in the same city as each other?  What will our future be like and can I have an answer to that now so that I can plan accordingly and make the best decisions?

Which... no.

None of these things exist.  I mean, sure, maybe we're the perfect couple and would make the best husband and wife but that doesn't mean one of us won't get hit by an anvil a la Bug's Bunny and so no wedding will happen.  So why wonder about it now?

Maybe I should try to wait about a possible marriage once we're, oh, say, you know, talking about getting engaged?

Or not.

I mean, even that makes me feel like hyperventilating and that's not the point.

The point I'm trying to make for myself is that when I spend all this time wanting (or even just thinking about) the future things I'd like to happen, I'm missing experiencing what's going on right now.

When I think about where Jason and I will be several years from now, I miss the fact that we went for a hike and took photos of the ocean.

I miss the fact that he introduced me to some of his friends and they were hilarious.

I miss feeling and knowing that he likes me. 

When I spend my time being frustrated that I'm not going to see him next weekend, for example, I don't listen and hear and take it in when he says "I really want to see you tonight and spend time with you" because my brain is all WHY IS IT FAIR THAT HE'S BUSY NEXT WEEKEND WHEN I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM NEXT WEEKEND??????

I want our relationship to be five years down the road.

But if I woke up tomorrow and we were five years down the road, that's five years of us getting to know each other and becoming better friends and dare I say it falling more for each other that I've missed out on.

But it's hard.

It's hard to trust that things will go the way they're meant to and that they way they're meant to is going to be what's best for me.  That five years down the road from today I'll be happy, healthy and well no matter what.

And that if Jason is meant to be in my life he will be, in whatever capacity he's meant to be.  It's hard to let go of that wanting to have it all now.  The wanting to know the final result now.

But I'm trying.

I'm trying and some days it's harder than others but I do want to experience my life day by day and not live in some space of wanting that doesn't actually exist.

It's like Vince used to say to me when I was worried about all the "What ifs" around Jay.  I have to let them go and just be in the moment.  Just be and enjoy what is today.

Easier said than done, but worth the effort of trying I think.

Tuesday, 29 April 2014

I Think I Give Up

I never quit on a book.

Although, I feel like I maybe have once before, but generally I'll slog my way through a book once I've started it (like I owe it to the book somehow?  Or I'm just that stubborn that I figure if I picked up the book and chose to read it I HAVE to finish it?)

So, yeah.  I always finish books.  Even if I'm not enjoying them at all.

But... as you may have guessed, I think I'm going to quit reading the book I'm reading right now.

Not to name any names, but it's about a street, and a wolf.  And I think if I want to know how it ends I can just watch the movie.

Which, really, is why I got the book in the first place.  I love books that get turned into movies, they're usually great reads.

Not.  This.  One.

You guys, I'm halfway through and each time I go to read another chapter it's painful.

I'm barely getting through a half chapter a night and even then I'm not enjoying it.  I can't even tell you how long I've been battling this book, a month?  Weeks?  No idea.  But for someone who loves to read and who will go through who knows how many chapters a night?  To be trying to force myself through a few pages of this book every night and barely managing?  And then to realize after all that work (reading shouldn't feel like work...) I'm only half way through the damn book?

I think I'm going to have to say no thanks.

I'm bored.  Nothing is happening.  Or, nothing of interest to me, anyway.  It feels like the same stuff over and over and I'm tempted to watch the movie just to see how they made it interesting.

Maybe if you take the first few chapters and a chapter or two from the middle and then the last few chapters it's a decently entertaining story.  I don't know.

So, yeah.  I'm feeling kind of guilty about it, but I think I'm actually going to quit on a book half way through.

Maybe I'll find someone who wants to read it and that'll make me feel better.

Enough painful evenings in bed with this brick I say.

Time for more fun!

Monday, 28 April 2014

Even If My Cheeks Burn With It

When I get angry (and I think I'm talking about angry with/at a significant other, because I haven't thought through if this applies to other relationships and I'm pretty angry right now so it's not the time to try to sort through that I don't think) I want to end things.

I want to say things that aren't necessarily nice (or calmly thought through) that will push him to say things that aren't nice (or calmly thought through) that will make it blindingly obvious that I should never have been in this relationship in the first place and should never ever speak to this person ever again.  And I want to make a permanent statement or make it so that I am never going to be around or never going to speak to this person ever again.  Like when DD and I split I collected all his things, put them in a box and gave them to him as I escorted him out the door.  Done.  Over.  Goodbye.

And, no, I'm not really sure what that's about... or if it's self-preservation or self-destructive.

I'm angry at (with?) Jason as I write this.  The why doesn't matter.  It's even possible that by the time this is posted the why won't matter any more, but the last time I was angry with Jason and I lashed out a bit (or at least it felt like I did because I didn't hold my tongue and bite down the anger like I'm used to doing in a relationship) and I discovered that he's a mature adult.  Unlike some of the people I've dated and become angry with (coughJaycough.)

See, so far when I've felt angry, Jason has allowed me to vent.  Because that's usually what it is.  Sure, some of what I'm saying when I'm venting is valid but talking about whatever the issue is when I'm angry is not helpful or productive.

But just like when I write here, when I vent verbally with (at?) Jason I feel better.  Calmer.  And I feel better faster.

Which goes along with everything my counselor (and the literature) says about feelings.  When you let them "out" ie. feel them, they don't do damage.  But when you stuff them and try to control them or ignore them they just don't go away.  In fact, what I find with anger is it just gets worse.  Bigger.  Madder.  (Is that a word?)  (It doesn't sound like one.  But maybe it should be.)

So anyway.  It's a new experience for me to be in a relationship with a guy where I can be angry, express it, and it's ok.  I don't give in to the urge to push him away so hard I never have to speak to him again, and he seems (so far) to be ok with letting me vent and have the anger roll off his back.  (Or something)

I guess I'm just trying to say that it's a new thing for me to be able to be angry when I'm angry and to still be accepted and cared for.  And not to be looked at any differently.

I'm not saying I like being angry or how it feels, but getting it out and expressed feels a whole lot better than keeping it stuffed down and repressed.

Saturday, 26 April 2014

Awww Nuts

Along with a number of other things I'm doing and reading and thinking about, I'm doing this online course via Oprah, with this lady called Brené Brown.

It's about creativity and vulnerability and all sorts of things that aren't easy changes to make but are worthwhile making, I'm pretty sure.

So, anyway, there was this one quote in her video last week that was AWESOME, but also made me go "aww nuts" because it kind of poked a hole in my go-to "things are difficult" mode.

She said (if you'll allow me to paraphrase) "When I'm freaking out, I first ask myself - Do I have enough data to freak out?  And if I do, then I ask if freaking out is going to help?"

Awww nuts!  Because really, when you put it that way?  There's no point in me freaking out anymore.

If I'm freaking out without enough data (information) then I'm just being stupid.  And if I have enough information (data) to freak out?  Then the actual freaking out is just a waste of time when I could and should be doing something about it instead.

Bah.  There goes all my fun plans!

Well, except that freaking out is no fun at all.  It's maybe a lazy habit, but it's not an enjoyable one.

So yeah, there you go...  Not that I'll never freak out again, but... I'll maybe start thinking about it a bit more when it seems like that's where my brain is trying to go.

Friday, 25 April 2014

I'll Get Over It

Something's still weird with the flickr/blogger interface but I'm just not going to worry about it.

It's not the end of the world, really.  (Even if I stared at my web page far too late last night wondering why on earth it looked so weird... and what was with that massive amount of white space anyway?)

But, yeah.

So hey, guess what?

Every time I think I can have Jay back in my life in some positive way, he manages to show me otherwise.

Yeah.

So I've been thinking about a lot of things and I do still miss Jay's company and I guess I sort of wondered if maybe we could hang out sometime or if the sexual attraction we have would just get in the way of anything.  So I figured, after thinking about it for a week or so, that I'd just send him a text and see what his thought on it all was.

So I sent him a text the other week.

"Hey, how's it going?"

You know, neutral, positive, checking in since we haven't had contact in a few weeks.

And the text I got back?

"Hey, it's going great, who's this?"

So he's deleted my contact information.

Which.. fine.

I mean, I'm sad, sure.  I thought that when he said he always stays friends with his exes that that meant we'd always sort of hover in the background of each other's lives.

And I suppose in some way it gave me a comfort to know he was around and that I could probably cuddle or smooch him at some point in the future if I wanted to or needed to or something.

And so the fact that he... got rid of me?  Made me sad.

Made me miss all the things I thought he was.

But it also felt like the Universe keeps politely trying to tell me to just effing move on from this dolt already.

So, yeah.  I guess Jay and I aren't even friends anymore.

Shrug.

Thursday, 24 April 2014

Success!

Well, I don't want to jinx it or anything because it's never quite over until it's over, but I think I've made it through the Cadbury's Creme egg season without putting on any weight!

(Knock on wood, cross fingers, mumble something about not buying anymore, suddenly start drooling thinking about them.)

So, yay for that I say.

Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Twenty, Maybe

A few of us from work went to a Music Bingo night at a pub the other week.

It was a blast, as it always is and we all had fun.

I'm remembering this because yesterday's post title, of course, is a twist on a great song that came up at the Bingo night, "Stuck in the Middle With You."

(Now I think I thought it was a Steve Miller song for a long time but that's not really the point.)

So I'd seen that that song was on the next Bingo card and since we were on a mid-game break, I went to pee.

I guess I was singing the song without really knowing it (thanks gin and tonic!) because a lady in the stall next to me said "hey, isn't it weird to think that song came out forty years ago?"

And then my brain exploded.

I am pretty sure that the seventies were not forty years ago you guys.

Forty years ago was like the fifties or something.

I'm pretty sure.

Right?

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Stuck In The Middle With Me

I'm in an interesting spot right now of wanting to talk about things because that usually helps me sort through how I'm feeling, or at least getting it out of my head helps me feel a little bit better, but I'm also wanting to not talk about said things because I feel like that's giving the negative/upset/sad too much power, or too much attention.  Does that make sense?

Like, something came up with Jason and I last weekend and I'm still trying to figure out if it's something that will change the dynamic of our "relationship" entirely or if it's something ... less.  I don't know.  And yes, I want to talk about it.  Obsessively.  I want to break it down into its core components, analyze each of them, put it back together and make a decision based on what all I learned and realized and found out.

But I don't know if that's helpful.  Or good.  Or positive.

Is it just picking at a wound rather than letting it make its own scar and heal itself?

Or is it cleaning out the wound so it will heal faster and scar less?

And does it matter?  If I'm going to get a scar of some kind anyway, that's in the future.  It's about how I want to spend my time and energy right now and do I feel like continuing to wallow in this worry or concern or do I want to pull out of it and think about something else?

I mean, my brain is constantly going back to think about it, kind of like trying to meditate and focus on your breath and then your brain starts thinking about the groceries you need and work yesterday and you have to pull yourself back to focus on your breathing, it's like that.

I WANT to think about this, just like my brain wants to pull me out of meditation.  But I also want to just NOT think about this.  Like I want to just try to focus on the meditation.

So I'm stuck, blog wise, trying to figure out if I should write and talk about it or just let it be.

And I don't know right now, clearly, so ... yeah.

(I mean, it's the same with work, there's stuff going on that I can't control but want to go a certain way and everyone wants to obsessively try to guess how it's going to play out and I just wanna forget about it.)  (But this stuff with Jason is different, because I do have control in that I could walk away.  But I suppose that's the same as saying I could quit work.)  (God, thinking rationally is hard work.)

Monday, 21 April 2014

Dream Weaver

So, a) Happy Easter and how the heck did it get to be this far into April anyway? and b) I just woke up from a really intense dream so I'm telling it to you before it fades any more than it already has.

I've had a few Burning Man dreams here and there since I got back, and a few of them have involved some of the same things.  This is yet another one that involved Burning Man having an ocean, me forgetting to pack something important, and my family.  Not sure why these three things keep coming up in my Burning Man dreams, but they do.

So, I went (in this dream) to Burning Man with my parents and my brother.  We'd rented a big RV so that we'd have air conditioning and comfort for my folks as they're older.  We'd just arrived and went for a walk down to the beach (because ocean in a desert apparently.)  We watched some of the people having fun and then I turned around and noticed the sun was about to set.  (It was the exact mountain range.) We watched it go down and I was jumping up and down with excitement and I knew my Dad was looking at me funny (I think he wanted to ask if I was sober, which I was) and then we started walking back to the RV. 

It was at this point that my brother got sort of grumpy weird and wandered off.  I made sure he didn't want company, but (in the dream) he'd been to Burning Man before so I wasn't worried about him.

As we were walking back and I was planning my evening out when I realized I had forgotten to put my bike into the RV when we were packing.

Now, again, this has been a recurring part of my Burning Man dreams but what I realized when I woke up was that really, even if I did forget everything, I'd probably manage.  So anyhow, we stopped by the bike rental shop (not a thing) and since my Dad was the only one who'd brought his wallet (cuz don't Dad's always have their wallets?) I asked if he'd mind helping by paying for my bike rental since I'd forgotten my bike and needed one for the week.

He was annoyed, because I was asking for money again (apparently earlier in the dream I'd had him buy ice or something and he was mad that I kept claiming it was commerce free but he was spending money) and I felt bad about that but I was also so giddy and happy to be there.  The only bike they had that would fit me was a pink kid's bike with a front basket and that was fine, and the lady asked me if I had a warm jacket and a fur hat and I was like, yes I have a warm jacket, but uh... only a fake fur hat but a regular toque?  And she figured that was ok and then I woke up.

It was honestly one of those "I'm actually IN this" dreams and I still wonder what my brother got up to and where he wandered off too and one of the things I remember thinking about was that I didn't want my brother or I to wake my parents up during the night (stumbling home at who knows what in the morning) and that I wished I'd thought to bring a tent for me to set up outside the RV.  For some reason I figured we either wouldn't see my brother for a couple of days or he'd come home drunk at three and wake up my parents.

I imagine had the dream gone on, I would have found something to stick outside of the RV for me to sleep on, but anyway, now I'm trying to figure out the rest of a dream which seems like a weird thing to do so yeah... that was my dream.

P.S. Spoiler alert?  There's no ocean at Burning Man

Saturday, 19 April 2014

Hoppy Weekend

Did you see what I did there?  "Hoppy"?  Because it's the Easter long weekend?

Yeah, I'm funny like that. 

*canned forced laughter*

Anyway.  I hope you have a great Easter long weekend if you have one, and if you don't, I hope you have a good weekend anyway.

Throws chocolate at you.

I may be a little bit sugar high.

Or just happy for the extra time off!

Friday, 18 April 2014

Passing Through

I had another thought while down at the beach last weekend...

What if we treated other human beings the way we treat dogs we meet on the beach.

Here's what I mean.

I noticed as various dogs wandered past me and the people around me that most of us stopped what we were doing, reached out a hand, said hello, spoke with the dog, petted it if would allow it, and smiled.

Why don't we do the same with other people?  I mean, not necessarily the petting and stuff, but the saying hello in a simple, easy, happy-making way.

My feeling about it is that we don't want to engage in a conversation.  We just want a quick, positive connection with something that isn't going to be weird or uncomfortable or take up too much of our time or energy.  Like, a dog doesn't exactly invade your private "me time" when it's just passing through.

But maybe our lives would be a lot richer if we connected with each other more.

You know, a metaphorical reaching out of a hand to be sniffed.

God, that sounded weird!




Thursday, 17 April 2014

OK, So Hi

Well that was an amazing night's sleep that was apparently very needed!  Woo hooo!

Ok, so I was down at the beach this weekend (which, I'm sorry rest of Canada but it was GLORIOUSly sunny and warm and delicious) and I took my earphones out for a while to listen to whatever was going on around me.

There was a father and his two kids, a boy and a girl playing nearby and I was sort of half listening to them.  At one point, the girl kept asking her brother to come see what she was doing, and the older brother was ignoring her (as brothers tend to do... at least in my experience!)  This girl got more and more annoyed until she finally turned to him and said the most adorable thing.

Please say this in a really frustrated 6 or 8 year old girl's voice:   "That's boring!  I'm making real stuff with clay, you're whacking stuff!"

Yes, sweetheart, I know.  This is the annoying things with brothers.

You're making real stuff... and... well, he's out whacking things with a stick.  Each of you thinks what the other is doing is terrifically boring.

And that's just how it is with siblings.

And boys.

The end!

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Oh Yeah!



Ok, I'm still on brain break (and this should be made clear by the fact that I once again can't figure out how to put a picture into a post the way I want even though I did it two days ago, well I kind of did it two days ago but even then I wasn't happy and I really just haven't figured this out yet man oh man) but I just found a text I sent myself this weekend from the beach to remember to tell you so here you go yay but argh because now I just spent another ten minutes trying to figure out the photo because I don't want it over there on the left and why I can't do anything about it but I'm so sleepy (I'm writing this late at night) the photo debacle is making me feel like I'm not in a happy enough mind set to tell you the cute story so bah. 

Stupid flickr, ruining my mojo!

(Well, maybe stupid brain for not being able to figure it out... or both)

So, un "oh, yeah!" because well I shouldn't bother putting this post up but I feel like I've typed (babble-typed) enough already into it that it would make me sad to just delete it so here you go here's a post for you.  Feel free to just completely ignore it.

I'm hoping I'll have a bit more brain power back for tomorrow.

(Don't hold your breath though!)

I'm gonna go meditate.  And then sleep.  I feel like I should dream about chocolate.

What's that about?


Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Geez

Just had a little bit of a week last week and Jason and I had a ... big, maybe not awesome realization this weekend and my brain just needs a tiny bit of a break before I can sit and write all about it.

So... brain break.

How's your Tuesday going?

Monday, 14 April 2014

Smooches and Hugs and Snuggles and Kisses!

My baby's back!

My shiny, pretty, had a broken hard drive but now it doesn't and it was repaired for free because I got the extended warranty even though I thought it was silly to get who's laughing now past me, huh? and it took a week and that was SUCH a painfully slow computer week because I had no idea how much faster this baby is than my old baby but oh it's back sigh.

Translation:  My computer has been fixed after a week and is now back in my possession and I'm very happy and relieved about that, happy Monday.

P.S.  I may have actually petted said computer in the store and referred to it as "my baby" and then mumbled something about how some people have pets and I have my computer.  Ahem.

Saturday, 12 April 2014

True

Vince still totters around the outskirts of my life.  Offers to come over to hang out every once in a while and I say no, not tonight.

He'll send me a text every once in a while that's a little too flirty for my liking and I'll usually just ignore it and not respond.

Sometimes when this happens he'll get upset and grumpy and last time I didn't respond to a text he got back to me with "that was supposed to be a joke?!"

And I said that I knew it was but that I just didn't know what to say back.  (He'd made a comment about how I must just hate talking to him, and that sort of passive-aggressive fishing just annoys me so I didn't respond.)

Vince, bless his heart got back to me with a text that made me laugh, but also smile and nod, because I guess he does know me maybe better than I know myself sometimes.

He said "you're never at a loss for words... You just refrain from voicing them.  Sometimes."

Yeah.  I guess that's true enough.

Friday, 11 April 2014

Kaplow

It's probably really good that nothing actually happens, like, literally, when I feel like my brain has exploded in some way.

Because if it actually did explode when it feels like it has?  There would be a lot of messy brain exploding messes to clean up.

One of the things that Jason has really challenged and changed me is with regards to photography.

Now, that's an entirely different post and one I haven't quite figured out how to explain but there was this moment that points out how he'll say something and my brain will explode.  A.K.A. my entire world view will shift or change in some significant way.

I've always just thought everyone thinks like me.  That everyone sees and knows and understands things the way I do.  I've always kind of felt that if I get it or see it it must be so ridiculously simple or obvious everyone must get it.

According to Jason, no.




A couple of weeks ago we were driving to my place and it was near sunset and there was this beautiful glow just hitting the tops of the pale pink cherry tree blossoms down the street.  It was beautiful.

I made some weird laser like noises that I then had to explain were not laser gun noises but rather the sound of my mind-camera, which got us into this ridiculously awesome "fight" about yes that was laser gun noise, NO IT WASN'T.  Do you want me to roll down the window and ask that guy what noise lasers make?  No!  No... ok... fine.  Maybe it was a laser camera.

And as I was smiling away at my weird noises Jason quietly turned to me and asked if I knew not everyone saw the light like that.

I think my first response was "yeah right."

But no.  He said it again.  Not everyone sees that.

I don't know if he means not everyone notices?  Or not everyone sees it, like, actually?  Or not everyone sees it "artistically", beautifully, as an image.

I don't know quite what he means by that because I do see it.  Or I assume I see it.  Or I assume I see whatever it is he thinks I'm seeing, I don't know, I'm not a philosopher. I just know that I saw how pretty the late afternoon sunlight looked glowing through the pink blossoms of the cherry trees and I figure if I see it, everyone must.

But something in the way Jason said it made me wonder if maybe the way I see is different.

If maybe my thoughts are unique.

I know there are disciplines of study that ask this very question.  I know I've always wondered if what I see and know as "green" is the same colour you call "red" but I don't know, you guys.  I just figured I'm particularly average and normal.

Not sure what to do if it turns out that thought is wrong.

Thursday, 10 April 2014

Love

I think we've established that I love to love.

(And man, if you don't think I still miss that connection Jay and I had, you're wrong. I do.)

But feeling it and saying it are two different things sometimes.

I established with both Jay and Jason early on that it was important to me to love the person I was with before we got...er... "overly intimate?"

With Jay and I that was no problem because we fell for each other before we'd even met so I knew I loved him the first time we shared a bed.

With Jason, things have been far more traditional.

I remember a weekend maybe a month or so ago when Jason had had a bit to drink and I'd gone to pick him up from the pub.  We were hanging out at my place when he said something along the lines of "Well I'm already falling in love with you (slight pause)  Damn, I probably shouldn't have said that."

I pretended I didn't notice he'd just said he was falling in love with me but of course I did.

There was some other day when he told me that he already absolutely loved me as a friend.  And I probably blushed at the time or something but I appreciated hearing that.

It was hard for me to respond though.

It got to a point where I was frustrated because I was feeling it but kept balking at saying it.

I love Jason as someone in my life, as a friend if you will, and as I said to him in a bumbling email "love is love is love and you said you loved me as a friend and I agree."

*palm to forehead*

Um, hello?  Why not just tell him?

Dunno.

But it sort of became this battle in my head.  Tell him.  No.  If I tell him it makes it all too real and I don't know if I can handle that.  Oh baloney.  It's just love.  Love is awesome!  Tell him.  You know you feel it.  TELL HIM!  No.  I... no.

But I did.

Last week.

Took me forever. 

"So.. um... do you... um... remember the uh... email I sent you a while ago?"

Him:  "Um... you've sent a lot?"

I remember having a big, near the end, discussion with Jay were I said that I knew he loved me but was he in love with me?

And he said no.  He wasn't.

I love Jason.

Jason loves me.

We love each other as people.

Are we in love with each other?

I don't know if I can give you an answer to that just yet.

But it's not a "no."

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Jason. Jay...son?

Jason keeps messing with my mind.

Ok, well that's not a nice way to put it...

Jason keeps challenging my current world view and internal dialogues.

Yeah.  This is one of those people who come in and adjust the direction of your life-flow path.

Like you were this little stream of water going along in one direction and then someone comes along and sticks a rock or twig or digs their foot through the sand and things start to flow in this new direction that you would maybe not have gotten to yourself.

Jason keeps telling me it's all me, the change, the growth, the whatever.  I tell him at the very least he's the catalyst.

It makes me nervous that I wouldn't be able to do this without him.  Or that it wouldn't be happening for another decade without him.  Or that it would be going slower without him.  Because then I worry that if I lose him I'll lose the path of wherever it is I'm going now.

It's hard to talk about with people.  "Are you still seeing that guy?  How's it going?"

Yes.  I am.  And it's really really positive.  But challenging.  Like, we started to watch this movie the other night, and we'd already had a night filled with talking and ideas and thoughts and debate and so we started watching this movie and I knew I could just kind of half listen but I really wanted to GET it so I listened and asked to pause so something could sink in and then after maybe half an hour I asked if we could stop watching.  "It's too much," I said.  "I can't actually take any more in and have it make any sense."

Everything about being with Jason feels like that.

Where I might want to go with my life.  Who I am as a person, fundamentally.  My photography.  Writing.  How I approach being me.  Our relationship and what it means.  Or is.

It's a lot.  A lot of shifting and figuring out and changing and growing and I know he's been taking it slow with me, taking it easy, and I turned to him at one point this weekend and said "who ARE you?"

I wish he and Jay could meet.  Who knows, maybe they will.  But I feel like they're similar but opposite.  It's the weirdest thing.  They have a lot in common but in very different ways.  If that makes sense?

They're both passionate.  Angry about the state of the world.  (Although I'm not sure either of them would agree with my use of the word "angry" exactly.)  Change-makers.  Not mainstream.  Dare-devil-thrill-seekers.  They both have lots of friends in their lives.  And former girlfriends as friends.  They've both been arrested.  Been dirt poor.  Come from broken homes.  Feel like they made it out because of their friends.  Are strong.  Smart.  Renaissance men.  Computer techs.  Goofy.  Not afraid to be silly.  Call themselves geeks.  Like sex.  (There's a rumour that some men don't but I don't believe it!) Have children.  Ex-wives.  They both have crazy stories.  Might both be on government watch lists for all I know.  Are creative in some way.

There are times when I see them as different sides of the same coin but they're such different people in fundamental ways it's not fair to say they're the same coin at all.

I guess I just find it interesting when I see what I attracted into my life.  What I was drawn to maybe?

Maybe Jay was my warm-up for Jason, my way of easing me into having someone in my life who wasn't a nine-to-fiver.  Who knows?

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Bah!

Ok, so this post is supposed to have a photo to go with it but between flickr's new stupid sharing lameness and the slowness of the functioning of this computer I gave up after about half an hour of trying.

So no photo for you!

Sigh.

I was going to write something else but the whole photo debacle got me all grumpy and that's no fun so I'm just going to post this as is and well, hey, I know, this will de-grump me!  Why don't you tell me what photo you imagine I was going to put up with this post!

Anyone who gets it right will win an imaginary puppy.


Monday, 7 April 2014

Blank

Soooooooo my computer got sick.

Well, I mean, I have no idea what happened to her, just that late last week stuff started going really weird and then the next morning nothing worked and I kind of went "uh oh."

I took it over to Jason's Thursday evening and he did something smart-computer-guy related and things worked and I did another backup (Time Machine) and figured I'd take it in to get looked at anyway but then Friday morning things weren't working again so I took it in after work on Friday.

On a side note, I know it wasn't intentional but I felt a little talked down to at the computer place and that was frustrating because I don't know enough to stand up for myself so when the guy said he thought it was a full hard drive I was like, well, I'm pretty sure it's not, but he said it seemed like it and I felt like a stupid woman who should just smile and nod and go put on an apron. (On a side, side note, I told Jason this and he said that yeah that unfortunately happens sometimes and that no, his computery report stuff said it was not a full hard drive. So HA! Take that condescending-man!)


Anyway, I hung on to my old MacBook so I'm not completely without internet but man this darling is slow. Which is a totally whiny thing to say and I'm grateful to have a computer at all but I do miss my new girl.

I was apparently quite smart and bought the extended warranty coverage so am hoping that it will cover whatever's wrong and that it won't take them too too long to get it fixed and back to me. (Please?)

This computer also has to be plugged in constantly as the battery no longer holds a charge. In fact, the computer doesn't see it as existing. So I feel bad for the amount of energy I'm pulling out of the wall right now.

I also sort of forgot how many things I use a computer for at home and so some things are sort of only half or partially done.

I'm also missing the ability to stream a video or buy one from iTunes to watch quick and easy.

Again... first world problem, I know. But if my posting is light this week or anything, you know why.

My main girl's sick, and this computer is elderly and I'm just trying to do what I can with what I have.

Cross your fingers for us, eh?

Saturday, 5 April 2014

It's My Couch's Fault ?

It's possibly one of the stupidest cycles to get into but I feel like it happens a whole lot.

Or maybe it just happens and feels like a whole lot.  Anyway.

I noticed a few weeks (?) ago that I was stuck in this cycle.  And that it didn't feel like the first time I'd been caught in it.

I was exhausted.  So tired I didn't feel like I had the energy to exercise or work out.  So exhausted I didn't feel like I wanted to take the extra time to meditate or doing mindfulness.  Just wanted to sit and do nothing.

But then here's the thing.  If I do it, if I exercise, work out, meditate, do mindfulness exercises I feel better.  I feel less exhausted.  Less stressed.  Better.

But it's so hard to get motivated to do them.  And so easy to forget in that moment that I will most likely feel a lot less ugh after.

It's so hard to move from the relaxed, comfortable position I'm in on my couch to go do something I know won't be fun or easy.

But I'm always glad that I did once it's done.

Sigh.

Friday, 4 April 2014

Gone Bye Bye

I've been writing a lot.

Not here.  This is different.  This writing just happens, just comes and I have to write it down. 

I'm not sharing it here, but I do share it I guess.  I send it to Jason, and he reads it and tells me it's great and I should do something with it and maybe I will, I don't know, but not here.

Anyway.  I tell you this because I lost a poem the other day.

I've been really inspired and things will just pop into my head and NEED to be written right then and there and so I was half awake a few mornings ago and a poem started writing itself in my head.

But I was sleepy.  And so comfortable.  And I didn't want to wake up enough to write it down so I just said it over in my head a few times, trusting that in the near future when I was awake I'd remember it and get it on paper.

Aaaaaand it was gone.

I have no idea what it was about or any of the words or even the thought.

So, yeah.  I lost a poem.  If you find it, send it my way?

Thanks.

Thursday, 3 April 2014

Upside Down

(Oooh, did I find another way to put photos into my post?  Maybe I did?)

Physically, I am the harshest critic of myself by far.

I hate to admit it to myself, but I could probably criticize you physically pretty harshly as well.  Sorry about that.  I mean, not that I would, but I probably see it.

But the weird thing is, with other people, if I do see it, it matters less and less.  And then I stop seeing it.  Whereas for me?  I just keep seeing flaws and imperfections.

And it's frustrating.

It's frustrating because it doesn't really help anything.  It's not like I go ugh, that is icky and then go out and do whatever it takes to get rid of it, I just go ugh, that is icky, I try to fix it a little and then just sink into "oh well, I'm hideous and awful looking anyway."  Which.  No.

No.

Jason has this saintly (I think) quality of both being extremely positive about my physical appearance and firm patience with my self-criticism.

He says things that I find initially obnoxious.

"I'm really picky about the women I let into my bed.  And you're in my bed.  Think about that."  And I find it the most obnoxious thing because who is he to make this statement about how he only sleeps with hot chicks.  THAT'S SO RUDE!  WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?  DOES HE THINK HE'S SO HOT AND SO SPECIAL THAT HE ONLY GETS GOOD LOOKING CHICKS WHAT A JERK!!!

But then my brain goes... um... Victoria?

Either he's a total b-ser... or he finds you attractive.

And seeing as he works in fashion photography and is around models a .... lot... he might not be... wrong?

But then I get into this OMG I CAN'T BE VAIN AND CALL MYSELF ATTRACTIVE mode and my brain explodes and I either glare at him, laugh, or raise my eyebrows in a suspicious sort of way.

Or sometimes even a glare, eyebrow combo.  Which he just laughs at.

But yeah.  Jason's insistence that I'm an attractive woman is really messing with my self image.

But, like, in a positive way.

Which is REALLY messing with my everything.

Because if this guy's right, and I am not all the things I constantly tell myself I am (that I won't list here, but they start with wrinkles and end with cellulite) or if I have those things and they don't matter as much as I thought they did?

Well, then what?

What if I become confident?  That can be really unattractive.

Y'all, I just don't know.  It's really hard to have your fundamental self-beliefs challenged.  Even if it's in a completely positive way.

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Truth

I'm turning comments off for this one, not because I don't trust you to be supportive and kind, just because it's feeling pretty sensitive for me right now and I don't want to have feedback, as strange as that might sound.

I've talked about it enough with friends and loved ones and sure, maybe if it's that close of an emotion I should just keep it to myself but I want to share, just don't want to hear more thoughts on it.  I have enough of my own.  I hope that makes sense.  You can send virtual hugs though.  Those I'll feel and take and accept.

I went through a binge watching of Call the Midwife a couple of weeks ago.  I think I watched the whole third (?) season in a week.

Call the Midwife, for those who aren't familiar is a British tv show based on a memoir of a nurse-midwife in London in the 1950s.

I originally became interested in the show because my Mom was a nurse-midwife in Scotland around the same time and so we talked about how the uniforms were the same and the lifestyle and going to dances and dating handsome men and things.  A sweet, innocent time really.

But something happened as I watched all these episodes.  I got sad.

Sad with the realization that I'll never experience childbirth.

I won't.

Please don't be kind and tell me there's still time or there's a way or some other well meaning thing, just know that this isn't something that's going to happen in my life for a number of reasons.

It's not that I want to necessarily be a parent, that thought it too much, not in my realm, but I won't ever get to do this thing that's so very basic and fundamentally feminine.  I won't get to carry a child and birth that child and when I'm lying on my death bed (happy and healthy many many years from now please) I will regret not having had that experience.

I will.

There are lots of other things I may not get to do, or may choose not to do, I'm ok not trying bungee jumping.  I'm ok not eating live grubs, but watching this show, watching these women push and struggle and sweat their way into falling in love with the new life that emerged?  I felt sad that I won't ever have that.

I won't ever know what it's like to hold and love my own flesh and blood.

I don't mean nieces or nephews or the friend's children who call me "Auntie" I mean my own DNA.  When I die there will be no one else.






As one of my closest girlfriends and I talked about, that's no reason to have a child.  Just so I don't regret *not* having a child but I'm still sad about it.

It bums me out that I'll probably never be an astronaut.  I'll probably never win a gold medal for the 100m sprint (oh good god I'll never win that medal) but to never have a child?  That makes me sad.

But the alternative... have one and give it away?  I couldn't do that.

Have one and pay a nanny to raise it?  Well, that just seems it would lead to a messed up kid and years of therapy, no?

I'm not saying I'm craving having a baby, not by any stretch of the imagination.  My biological clock was never properly installed.  I'm just having a moment, a time of really feeling the loss of this experience.

I suppose there will be other losses like this throughout my life.  The losses age will bring.  Physical achievements that I one day will be less and less likely to achieve.

Prima Ballerina?

Not going to happen, I'm afraid.

And I'll maybe cry about that one on my death bed too.

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Test



Ok, so flickr changed things and I effing hate change and I really wanted to swear there because I really really hate change and the whole point of me getting a flickr account in the first place was to place photos in my blog posts because I found blogs without photos boring to read and I wanted people to have something to look at too and so I told myself I'd put a photo in every second blog post just so it would have some visual appeal and I don't know if anyone even notices that but I do and so now one of the stupid changes stupid yahoo-bought-flickr made was to take away the service that let me easily put a photo into a post.

So now there's this.

And I don't know what this looks like but it's all I can figure out to do so far so this is a (ranty) test of the stupid new way that flickr forces me to put photos into my blog and I don't know if I dislike it or hate it.  It's not an ad for you you dumbasses, it's my photo and you're just the storage facility and no I don't want people to have the option to look at another photo of mine.  If I'd wanted another photo of mine, I'd have chosen it!

Swearword this swearword.

But anyway.  I'll figure it out I guess.  What I'm going to do, or not do, or whatever.

I know there are other ways to put photos into a post.

I'll see.

Just frustrated and even more frustrated that many of us gave feedback that was ignored.

Not impressed or happy.

BAH!


(Bah.  Just realized I'm posting this on April Fool's.  Only wish it was a joke.)
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