Monday, 30 June 2014

Spin Cycle

I've been trying to sort of observe, when I can, the cycle of bad I've felt really stuck in lately.  Like, I mean, how do I end up feeling like my entire world is ending and I can't even take another breath kind of cycle sort of mind spinning badness.

So let me babble a bit here and see if anything comes out.

Ok, so things aren't working with Jason and my's relationship.  And things used to work better, but aren't working now and I a) don't know if that's a pattern that might change back to being better or b) the first while was the unusual part and the non-working part is the way it's .... always going to be?

So then if I even start to try to figure that out, because once I have an if-then kind of thought like that I feel like I automatically have to figure it out.  Like, now, so that I can make whatever decisions need to be made.  Like, do I stay?  Do I keep pushing through the bad?  Do I get out?  And then I start arguing for and against each of those things.

Like... "I should stay."  I should stay because all relationships are hard and you can't just leave when things are bad.  Right, but this hasn't just been bad for a week or two, it's been bumpy for a while.  Yeah, but it wasn't at the beginning so it hasn't always been this way, plus, change is the only constant so things will probably change.  And are you maybe over-reacting to a bad week?  Or a bad week and a not awesome week before?  What about the good things?  But, no, I shouldn't stay because I'm not getting what I want/need/deserve out of this relationship and that's not ok.  And then this just keeps spinning and spinning in my head and I get physically upset.  My head starts to hurt, I'm probably clenching my jaw, my stomach gets tight, nauseated, and I feel like crying.  Like I have to make a decision to end all the feelings.  And the only way to really make the feelings go away completely is to end things.  Done.  Over.  Now.  Finished.  Which I've done, and then realized it doesn't actually change anything and the feelings haven't gone away, it was just a momentary release and relief of phew, I walked away so I don't have to figure this stuff out anymore.

And then each of those arguments springs up another argument within the same realm.  Or an offshoot of the same argument.  Like... "what about the good things?"  I'm not paying enough attention to them.  Sure, but there haven't been a lot lately.  Ok, well maybe you're just wanting too much.  Bullcrap, you're not expecting too much, just what's common decency and respect.  Ok, but he doesn't have time.  That's also bullcrap.  He's not making time, he's clearly not interested, and you know you deserve better, this is you letting yourself put up with less than you deserve.  That's not the question, I'm trying to point out that there are good times.  Etc., etc.

And so the anxiety and spinning and awfulness just gets bigger and bigger and tighter and tighter and worse and worse and it can feel hard to breathe and everything feels overwhelming and all I want to do is make it go away.  Have someone come fix it.  Talk to Jason and be better.

But last week I told myself I knew he was busy with a work/volunteer thing and so I should try to just deal with it all myself.  That maybe that was part of the lesson I was to learn here, that I could calm my mind and the consequent body upsets myself without needing someone else (usually a man) to come and make it better.

So I had some moments where I'd actually text myself.  Seriously.  I realized I could do it with iMessage so instead of texting Jason to say "help", I texted myself and then texted myself back and said Hey, you're ok, just breathe, I love you.

Maybe sounds cheesy or dumb from the outside but I think it helped.  I mean, if I can't reach out to myself, what's the point?  I downloaded some exercises back in Spring that were "self-compassion" exercises and while I haven't started them yet I do remember the first one being about learning to talk to yourself the way you would to a friend in need, so I guess it was my way of trying to do that.  I love helping my loved ones.  I think I'm pretty good at it.  I care.  I love.  I feel deeply.  Why not do that for me?

I also would start to spin while trying to find "the answer."  Like, the black and white clear response, even though when I did talk to some of my friends they all very clearly said there did not seem to be an answer and that I would just have to figure it out.  Which, I guess I was hoping someone would say "Do X" and I could go... yeah... that's clearly right.

So I'd try to find the answer, what I'd take to Jason when we did manage to find some time to talk or whatever and this would start to spin me out because of all the layers.  So many layers.  And something that I found helped would be to talk it out, out loud, as if Jason were there.  Because I would end up crying.  Crying because when I talk it out like that it's sad.  But then I'd finish the "conversation" and feel better somehow.  Even though nothing changed.

Yes, exercise has been helping, but that's only a small time in a large day, so I've been trying to cope the rest of the time too.

So my need for an answer hasn't helped.  My need to make things black and white and make a decision hasn't helped.  My constant arguing and cross-arguing hasn't helped.  But other things have.

Lots of things set me off.  Insecurities that are very very near the surface.  Worries.  Stressful tv shows even.  I'm not sure what the right/best things to be doing are, but I'm trying and I'm coping and that's... good. 

Saturday, 28 June 2014

Vent

Please just let me vent.

I know it's a matter of me just having to suck it up but I really want to go to Burning Man and I really don't want to have to travel with (potentially weird or not-likeable) strangers.

I JUST WANT IT TO WORK!

I know I can always just not go this year but I'll be so so sad, but I also know I'll be sad and feel awkward if I go and am going and camping with people I don't know.  I know the whole spirit of the thing is to go and meet new people but I'm not that person.  I'm not ready to be that person.  I need a little bit of a safety blanket, a little bit of a safe comfort zone and right now I don't have one at all.

I don't have anyone, and I'm feeling like it's crunch time and I don't see how it's going to work.  I sort of felt like Jay was my hail mary and I really wanted it to work and it hasn't so now what?

Jason can't go.  My friend from work isn't going.  My friends from last year aren't going.  I don't feel safe or comfortable going by myself.  None of my other friends want to go, I don't know what to do.  I don't want to hook up with strangers to go.

I want a better solution than that and I don't know what to do.

Please, please, please Universe... Playa... Karma... whatever... please help, please!

Friday, 27 June 2014

Not A Golf Analogy

I had an(other) interesting realization with regards to Jason the other day.

We were talking about his business and I was listening to his plans and kept asking him questions about small, immediate details of how he was going to manage this, that or the other.

He told me that he was talking in terms of the long game, not the short game and I realized that I can't do one with out the other.  I maybe see the long game, but my focus is always on the short game and how to deal with that.

Which made me wonder if that's a bit of an issue for me in terms of relationship.  Playing the long game instead of the short game?  I mean, yes, there's some value in looking at a partner and asking yourself if he would make a good husband, or someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, but if I'm continually doing that, continually wondering if we'll see each other next weekend when we're hanging out on a Monday, am I playing the long game in my head instead of being in the short game right now?

I don't know, I'm not saying the analogy is perfect or that it even works, it just kind of triggered some thoughts in my head that I'm not even sure are making sense now that I'm trying to say them out loud.

Like maybe when I'm stuck thinking about the long term of a relationship, I'm not actually seeing the good in the right now of it.

Annnnyway.  That was a weird babble, eh?

Guess it's good it's the weekend.  Here's hoping this is a good one, I'm tired of pushing through the rough ones.

Thursday, 26 June 2014

Pfho to graffy

Because really, what kind of language says "F" but spells it "ph"?  Seriously!

Anyway.

I had no idea what to write at some point last week and I must have been complaining to Jason about it because he suggested I write about how I'm feeling about photography now that I've made some changes.  I whined that I didn't want to but when I was out and about with my camera yesterday I did think of a few things that I've noticed.

Ok, so first of all I changed from a Canon to a Nikon.  And from a nice 50mm lens to a "professional grade" 50mm lens.  (ie.  the lens cost almost as much as the body.)

This really bothered me for a long while.  I didn't like the colours the Nikon was giving me, and on top of that Jason suggested that I needed to really work on getting my shots crisp and I had a hard time with that.  It had never been something I'd bothered with before and so now having this as the main focus of my shooting pretty much sucked.

I had to try to hold the damn fancy lens still enough that it could take a picture that wasn't blurry upon being blown up (or zoomed into.)  Why?  I don't know, still don't really know other than Jason says that people who know will notice.

So for a few months all I did was take a photo and not like it because it wasn't clear or crisp enough.  I had to learn to slow down, which also made things less fun and for a while I just wasn't enjoying anything.

Jason also had me start shooting in RAW and start using Aperture instead of iPhoto.

All I did was shoot in RAW format, upload the photos to Aperture and leave them there.  Except to delete almost everything.

This was around the same time flickr went stupid and I just started to wonder why on earth I was bothering.  My photos sucked (to me) and I didn't like how they looked and it wasn't fun to share them anymore anyway.

Blah.

After a while I did manage to start getting to a point where my photos were sharp enough and Jason said I should start shooting on manual instead of aperture priority.

I was SOOOO happy!  Yay!  Manual!  Yay!

Except... I have no idea what I'm doing.

So we'd get somewhere, and he'd say, ok, are you dialed in?  And I'd go.. uh... no?  And so he'd take my camera and fiddle with it and say there you go and I'd take photos and hate them.

Like we went out to Sombrio, a beautiful beach I haven't been to in years and I took a bunch of photos and I hated pretty much all of them.  Jason asked what I hated and I couldn't really put my finger on it.  Everything?

Didn't help that he'd then show me the shots he got in the exact same area and I'd feel even more like crap.

He told me it was completely unfair of me to be comparing my shots to his, that that would be like me comparing the bowl I made in grade 10 art to that of a master sculptor, but it still sucked seeing what I wasn't able to do.  Kind of felt like it rubbed it in somehow.

I've been trying to be less hard on myself and just keep learning and trying but I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing light-wise.

Like, we'll be somewhere and I'll want to take a shot and I take it and I have no idea if I should be higher this or lower that or where even to start and it's frustrating.

I have sort of guesses now as to where I should start f-stop wise in terms of where I am but then I'll shoot it and look at the shot and it's lacking the colours I see or it's not crisp and Jason will ask me what I need to change and I really have no idea.

It's frustrating.  And it's frustrating because I guess I feel some combination of dumb and lazy.  Like, haven't I learned this?  Didn't I take a course and take notes?  And read this that and the other?  Or did I just kind of skim my way through?  Yeah... that.

Ever since I went digital, I've been shooting on Auto.  And even when I shot film, I was just getting the light meter to where it needed to be, I wasn't... actually thinking.

And so now I'm supposed to think and I don't know how.

On top of that, I'm not liking the composition of the photos I'm taking anymore.  Maybe because I get them home and look at them and see blah colour and blah tone and blah focus and I just give up.  It's all blah to me.

The other weekend Jason was shooting (I still hate that term, sounds all gun-like) a friend who used to model.  He asked her if I could come too and I was super excited!  They both said it was ok if I took some shots and the first bunch I took all came out too dark and I had NO idea what I was doing wrong and I just wanted to cry.

I must have looked upset because Jason asked me what was wrong and I told him I had no idea what I was supposed to do to take the photos I wanted to take.  He must have helped me a bit because in the end I managed to calm down and get some photos I actually liked.

Still didn't know what to say to her, like, didn't know what to tell her to do, but I really enjoyed the whole thing, even if I did feel pretty lost and accidentally got in Jason's way.

So, I don't know.  I'm in a weird place with my photography right now partly because the process of sharing via flickr has all but stopped.  And partly because I feel like I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  Literally, and ... photographically.  If that's a word.

I can't seem to take photos I like.  I can't seem to figure out what to do with my camera to take photos that have the right light and colour.  I don't know what to do in Aperture to make them any "better" or even if better is better.

Jason and his friend said my photos were good and I shouldn't be so hard on myself.  Jason has liked some of the photos of him I've taken enough to use them on his facebook profile so I think I kind of secretly felt proud of that.  I send him unedited versions of my photos and he says they're fine.   Sometimes he says they're good. I don't think I'm ready for him to critique them because even if he did I wouldn't know how to fix or change what I did.

I'm not really sure how to change that other than making and taking the time to learn whatever it is I'm needing to figure out.

So I'm frustrated and feeling lost and confused, but I'm also not giving up and I'm hoping there's some kind of light at the end of this tunnel.

I'm also thinking of fishing out my film camera, some black and white film and just seeing if I can get back to the shots I used to take and love in high school.

Worth a shot, anyway, I figure.

Oh, and I just remembered to add... Jason said something one one of our hikes that stuck with me.  He said that when he's composing a shot, he makes it something he'd want to see on his wall.  So I'm thinking a bit more like that now.  Rather than just blah blah blah shoot, sometimes I'll think "would I want to look at this every day for years if it was on my wall?" Certainly when I get home, it makes the deleting process easier.

Wednesday, 25 June 2014

Wow

Y'all, whoever said that thing about being unable to teach an old dog new tricks maybe didn't take into account that it's a lot of effing work to change.  Or to learn the new tricks.  Or whatever.  Damn.

Right now I am feeling like I'm fighting all day to push through the stuff that I'm trying to change.  Sleep is great, and I'm thankful that I'm sleeping well, but I also work at that, and exercise and meditate and see my acupuncturist, but yeah, when I wake up in the morning I feel better and easier and then it's a matter of heading into the day.

Because I don't know if everyone realizes it but I have real, physical reactions to the mental worries and spinnings that go on.

So, for example, if I catch wind that my brain is starting to worry and spin about, say, what Jason might be thinking, then my body starts to react to that worry.  My stomach feels tight, and can be nauseated and sometimes that's been making it hard to eat.  And when that starts, my breathing gets fast and shallow and so my entire system is making this thought out to be very very real and very very overwhelming and I'm fighting and trying so hard to calm my mind and my body or both or either (it often helps to shut down the mind if I can and the body will tend to follow) but sometimes one or the both of them have gotten so carried away that it's really really really hard to withdraw.

I was just watching a documentary about the USS Nimitz (which came into town the other weekend) and it made me think of how heavy those thick ropes get when they've been in the water.  And the feeling and experience of helping to tie up a massive boat and the ropes seem like they're never ending and weigh more than you can handle and all you know is you either have to haul, haul, haul when you have very little within yourself or you have to give up, quit, and throw the rope down and cry.  I don't want to give up, but man it's tiring.

And to be doing that, that exhausting work while feeling all but overwhelmed physically and when your mind is filled with negative thoughts about how it's all so so so bad?  It's a lot.

A lot, lot, lot.

I think maybe I should be a whole lot prouder of myself than I am, but it also feels like I have so far to go and there's no point in congratulating myself when I'm right now just moment by moment.

Maybe this is why some addicts thrive in meetings.  Maybe you go and get shored up by reminders and encouragement and that sense that it does get better, it's just really hard right now.

It's a lot.  I'm working really hard and I don't know what I'd want or need to make it easier and better right now.

But this has been a few days of tough tough internal work, and I guess I'll just keep pushing until it starts feeling a little easier.

But I'll tell you... those bad moments?  Are bad.

White knuckle bad.

And I feel like I maybe chose that photo because someone somewhere mentioned that it seemed to them like I was locked in the prison tower of my own mind.

Yeah, it feels like that.  And maybe Rapunzel... Sleeping Beauty, maybe those stuck, imprisoned princesses were all just literary metaphors in the end.  And I need to be one of those modern day Disney princess types who don't wait to be rescued.

But it's a lot harder than it looks to get the f*ck out of here, man.

Updated to add:  Was just going about my morning, saw a post on photography, this made me think of Jason and before I knew it my brain was running in bad spinny circles.  (*^&^$.

Oh and?  It's like my body's been shot through with adrenaline and is ready to jump and react and fight or flight mentally and physically at ev. ery. thing.

Sigh.  It's pretty sucky y'all.

Tuesday, 24 June 2014

Just Random Updates

So Jay, who very kindly (?) (oddly, perhaps?) let me know, out of nowhere, a few weeks ago that his regular checkup showed he does not have HIV.  (Which, sent my brain spinning for all sorts of reasons, including, were we going to have sex again and I just don't know it?  Do you let all your exes know your status?  Was this a concern, because I know we got tested before we were intimate but you're letting me know you're clean because it could have been un-detectable at the time and OMG have I never realized how lucky I've been?) has also let me know he's head over heels in love and moving to be with her.

Which, ok.  I hope it works out for them and that they're happy and I know he must be concerned about work post-accident so I guess I don't know enough to say if that seems wise or not, and really it's not my business, but do I find it kind of annoying?  Yeah, if I'm honest I do.  Selfishly. 

Not that I want to be back together or anything, but it's that whole comparison thing (which isn't fair) where I could beat myself up for the fact that no one's ever uprooted themselves to be with me.

Shrug.  Not going to latch on to it, but it did rumble through my head when he let me know.

Why did he let me know you may ask?  Well, I emailed him to ask if he was going to Burning Man.

He's pretty sure he's not, which is a mixed blessing because it would have solved my travel issues, but might have been tricky in terms of maybe we might have still found some physical attraction there.  I'm genuinely not sure that that would have been an issue, but old habits die hard, and I certainly have a habit of touching him when I'm around him.  But that's when we had a connection and cared about each other in some way. 

It certainly would have been interesting anyway.  In an intellectual sort of way, to see.

So, yeah, Jay's moving, looks like we won't be travelling to Burning Man together, he doesn't have HIV, he's head over heels in love.

Shrug.

In other news... I'm not moving, I'm really really hoping to be happily,safely and comfortably be travelling to Burning Man, I don't have HIV (or anything else) and I care a lot about someone and love them, and I'm really liking my hair right now.  So, there you go.

Monday, 23 June 2014

Healthier

So, happy Summer (or Winter for you Southerners) and yeah, all that.

I had a massive smack in the psyche on Friday and while I don't know how much of it I want to share, ie. the nitty gritty, I will say that I want to share.

When Jason and I are both in a bad place for whatever reason (usually stress related, duh) it doesn't go well for me.  He was in a really bad space on Friday and I was struggling with my own things.

Long story short I got myself out of my house and my head by hanging out with friends and talking things through with them and, again, long story short, I found myself mid-Friday evening running smack dab into a pretty intense realization.

I probably spent the better part of an hour crying and swearing because I was angry at myself for... well, for being in this spot.  Because I hadn't realized I was in this spot until that moment and it was like, awww shit... Damn.

We all have our issues.  Our baggage, our things we need to work on, or should work on and I know I'm not great at being healthy or in a healthy long term relationship.  Something about Jason seems to give me the opportunity to be more clear about things.  Or maybe it's just being older and wiser and growing, it doesn't matter, I just know things clicked for me and I'm aware and I need to do what I can to make the positive changes happen.

But it's hard because it's so ingrained into who I am and how I work and when I get into this spot it drives me because it's a panicked feeling and I need it to happen.

I know, I know, I'm not making sense but what, am I supposed to just blurt out, Hey, guys, I was reminded that I have issues with "X"?

Blah.  I typed it out and erased it again because I don't want to say it just out loud like that.  But here... let me write out some of the traits that I struggle with:

Low self-esteem.  I'm so working on this you guys, but when Jason's in a bad space it all comes hurtling out at me that I'm not likable, that I don't accept myself, that I'm inadequate, not enough, and that I worry what people think of me.  It's hard for me and must be frustrating for Jason because he says nothing but positive things about me.  Tons of people do.  I just can't figure out how to take what everyone says about me and really really really really actually believe it.  I don't know how, but I'm reading about ways to change how I think and I want to get there.  And I know I'm better than I was, and it's not getting worse.  It just springs up at bad times.

Perfectionism.  Again, working on it.  Ironic that if you're trying to "fight" perfectionism, you want to be perfect at it, no?  Yeah... kinda.

Reactivity.  Oh my gosh, am I ever reactive.  Jason and I had some snippy words via text (never a good idea) and I went through several moments of panic and not knowing what to do.  I reminded myself to breathe and felt better in a few minutes but man, in that moment of reaction?  Freaky. I've gotten myself into problems with this before, with family stuff and work stuff because something happens and I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW AND THEY ARE BIG FEELINGS!  I'm teaching myself to breathe and pause before reacting.  That email doesn't have to be answered right now Victoria, it can wait...

Dependency.  Afraid of being out of a relationship.  Relying too much on others opinions.  Two things I know I have struggles with.  You probably see it here as this is my space to vent and worry and babble, but that fear of being out of a relationship sometimes keeps me in situations longer than I should be.  But I am aware of it, for sure.  And that's important.  As for the other, I think it joins with low self-esteem and I'm not sure how to get through it.  I want people to like me, tell me I'm good.  But then I don't believe them anyway, so it's frustrating and feels dumb.

Denial.  Of my feelings (I "like" to stuff them away and hide them so I don't have to feel them) and of my needs.  (I'm getting better with expressing my needs though)

Caretaking.  I think I talked about how it was a relief to not feel like I had to caretake when I travelled down to Burning Man because I didn't know them and so wasn't invested in how they felt about me or if they liked me... it was interesting and enlightening.

Control.  Controlling my feelings (see above).  Wanting to tell other people what to do (controlling them even though it doesn't feel like it.) And people pleasing, which, according to the readings, and this hurts to say, is a way of trying to manipulate people into feeling how you want them to feel or behave.  That hurt a lot to read.  A lot.  Because I want to please people so that they're happy and so that they're like me.  But, I guess that's not all that healthy.  Makes me sad that it's not.

Addiction to a substance or process.  I think I've been lucky to have avoided substance addictions.  But I'm still working hard with my "addiction" to sugar and "treats" and I think I have an addiction to technology... my phone, the internet, I've said it before, but I'll say it again.  I think I may tell a few people that my phone is not always going to be near me for the next while (C-Dawg texts me the most and gets worried when I'm text silent for a while...I'll have to warn her)  I know when I check this, that or the other on my phone or computer, or watch a show or zone out on my computer it's taking me away from really living and is me being lazy and it feels like sometimes I fry my brain so I want to work on that.

Painful emotions.  Shame, anxiety, fear, guilt, depression.  All things that have had a hold on me at some point.  Anxiety and fear showing up the most these days.  But yeah.

So there are more traits but these are the ones I can honestly recognize in myself and have been working on since I first started working on myself.

The key, so they say, to overcoming all this, is "to relax and build a loving relationship with yourself."  So that's the plan  Meditation is highly recommended, so I'm already doing well there (YAY ME!)  Some of the other things I am going to be trying to actively work on is turning the focus onto myself (this sounds and feels selfish, but isn't, under the circumstances.)  As much as I want to help the people I love, it's their job to do so and I have to try to let go of this need I have to help.  Hard.  And there are a ton of ways to do this that I'm going to try to get better at.  Like, seeing all the positive I do and writing it down.  Stop worrying (or at least... you know, slow it down).  And, weirdly enough, reach out for help when I feel bad.  It sounds weird, but apparently I should be asking for help.

So, yeah.  Lots.  There's a ton more and I know I'm skirting around most of it and even what it is I'm talking about but at least I'm talking about it, rather than denying it's true for me.

I know some of these things have come up for me again and again and in other relationships too, so I may as well do what I can to start learning how to heal this and to cope better and whatever else... what was it, learn to have a loving relationship with myself.

I want to be healthier.  Happier.  To be better able to weather the bad times without it triggering all my not so awesome parts.

Friday wasn't fun, but I think it gave me some strength and I know where my focus needs to be. 

Saturday, 21 June 2014

Zen Time!

I've never cared if something is working because it's working or because of the placebo effect.  All that matters to me is that I feel better, end of discussion.

So there are a couple of things I've noticed lately that I think I sleep better when I do them.  Because I notice that I think the nights I don't do them I don't sleep as well.  Again, not sure I care to know *for sure* what's right, I'm just going with the fact that they work for me.

One is my mindfulness meditations.  I can't remember if I mentioned the app that I was told about, but it's called Headspace, and I thought at first that I wouldn't be able to get used to the fellow's (awesome) accent but it just worked for me and now I'm doing 20 minutes regularly, and like I say, I find that the nights that I forget or don't get around to it (because I do tend to do it before bed) I don't think I sleep as soundly.  (In fact, one night I was staying at Jason's and we had quite a heated discussion and when it was over, I sat in the hall and did my twenty minutes and felt a lot lot better; calmer and not so upset.)

Another, and this is going to sound hokey to many, because I kind of scoffed at it when my co-worker brought it up one day, is an accupressure mat.

Think of a bed of nails, but nice little plastic nails.  And I lie on this thing, skin right on it, not through fabric and I'll watch a show or do some writing or something and I swear it mellows me out.  Sure I read the science theories behind it before I bought it, but all I know is that it seems to relax me and it doesn't seem to do any harm and I swear I sleep better the nights I use it.

So most nights I'm spending a while lying on the bed o' plastic nails and then sitting up and doing twenty minutes of guided meditation (some nights are more brain spinny than others but I ALWAYS feel better after) and I think it's helping in a lot of ways, but certainly with better sleeps.

And I'm all for better sleeps!

Friday, 20 June 2014

Venting

So flickr changed its layout again.

Which I only know because someone posted about it on Reddit.

Because nothing has changed for me yet.

Well, in one browser anyway.

I'm still really frustrated that they keep trying to fix something that wasn't broken and in my mind they make it worse and harder to use each time they change things up.  I don't know yet what this new change will bring or if it's even anything more than just a layout change.

But, anyway, just feeling grouchy about it and frustrated and needing to vent, even though I'm not sure what all I'm venting about except that I'm not thrilled with a service I used to really really like and that sucks.

(And I'm also grateful that my life is happy and stable and secure enough that I can vent about something to meaningless in the grand scheme of things.  For sure.  I'm lucky and I know this.)

Thursday, 19 June 2014

Oh

I've run into a bit of a financial hiccup and my parents have kindly offered to help me if I need it.

I told them I thought I'd be fine, but thanks for the offer.

This weekend, when I was over there for Father's Day, my Mom made another offer to pay me back for the time I took off work back when Dad was having his heart surgery.  I told her that no repayment was necessary, and she practically rolled her eyes at me.

"Has anyone ever told you you are very hard to help?"

Which struck me, because I feel like it's something Jason may have said to me in the last little while.

And it's certainly along the same lines as something Connor said to me when he was trying to help me cool down at Burning Man.

Why is it so hard for me to accept help?

I don't even know where to start looking for answers.  But I think it's becoming clear I need to figure it out.

Wednesday, 18 June 2014

Sorry

So imagine for a minute that men menstruated.

Like, once a month, if they hadn't impregnated anyone, their belly buttons would start to bleed.

Not, like a gushing stream a la horror movie, but enough that it would be noticeable.  And would soak through a shirt if not dealt with.

And that that bleeding went on day and night for maybe up to a week, varying in the amount.  And maybe some men got "I think I ate too many burritos" type stomach cramps and maybe some months their belly button wouldn't bleed when they expected it to and they'd start to wonder if maybe that girl lied about being on birth control or if the condom had broken or if they were just stressed or what it all meant?

Wouldn't that be weird?

Yeah... these are the things my brain comes up with allllll on its own.

I don't know either, sorry about my brain!

Tuesday, 17 June 2014

Wow

When I went to buy my Dad a card for Father's Day last week, I was astounded at the price of the cards.

I guess I haven't bought cards in a while (I still have some I printed of my own that I'm using, and I bought some from a dollar store in the states last Summer) but in my mind a card is somewhere under $4.

The cards that I picked up?  More like $7! 

Needless to say, I did not buy my Dad a card for Father's Day.

I feel a little bad about that, because my parents always display the cards I mail them but seven bucks?  Way too much for me.

Is this a reaction to the fact that fewer people are buying cards so they're having to jack up the prices to compensate or are cards in such high demand they can charge what they want?

Yeah, I was pretty surprised, and not in a "ooh, I just won two dollars on a scratch and win!" kind of way.

Monday, 16 June 2014

Never Long Enough

When my brain/system is somewhat stressed or feeling anxious about whatever life events are out of my control and worrying me, I will sometimes notice myself feeling worried or anxious about things that are maybe a little odd to be anxious about.

Case in point...

I looked at the calendar today and realized that next week's the first day of Summer.  Which means the days are as long as they're going to get.  And I've been loving these long long days of light.  These beautiful days where I get to nine o'clock and am still seeing light in the sky.  Even at ten it's just getting to the tail end of dusk.

I love it.

So when I saw that Summer's coming, it means the days are going to start getting shorter again and that made me feel really... anxious.

I don't know what else to call it.  Like, stressed by feeling like I don't get to keep this.  Stressed that it will "soon" be Winter again and I don't want it to be Winter again, I just want it to be like this forever.

I know it's not anything I can control or change but I think that's part of what my system grabs hold of when it's worrying.  Like... something else I can't control.

I'll meditate later and that should help and I'll try to not keep thinking about this all and I'll enjoy what we've got while we've got it.

But, yeah, it was interesting, and honestly frustrating to realize I was feeling worried about the approach of the longest day of the year because it meant the days are going to start getting shorter again.

Makes me feel a little crazy, y'all.

Saturday, 14 June 2014

: /

I feel bad, but I'm relieved that the forecast is for clouds and rain today because I'm pretty sure that means we won't be going to any beaches at all.

*wipes forehead*

In other news, it's Father's Day tomorrow, so send some love out there to all the Dads and stuff.

Hug yours if you can.  I'm going for a walk with mine for the Prostate Center.

So maybe tell the men in your life that tomorrow's a good day to put in their calendar to have their doctor check their prostate.  Awkward, maybe, but better than the alternative.

Hugs, y'all.

Friday, 13 June 2014

Interesting

Jason just made the switch from smoking to vaporizing.  (And no, I don't know if that's different from an e-cigarette, but I think it is but I have no idea how!)

No, I have no idea how it works, except that something heats something... a liquid?  That has "flavour" and nicotine (and who knows what else) but you're not inhaling ... smoke?  And you're not exhaling smoke, which is what's important to me.

Apparently Jason has been a non-smoker for large portions of time.  And... a smoker for large portions of time, clearly.  But his current smoking is more complicated, and he'd be the first to tell you he knows there's an addiction portion to it, but also a huge mental component and that's what he's been struggling with (stress and all, etc.)

Anyway, this is not to go on about Jason smoking or me being with someone who smokes when I hate it and blah blah blah, this is about my fascination with the social-psychological aspect of giving up smoking.

Jason has already noticed, just after a couple of days an improvement in his lungs, and his roommates said they even noticed he's coughing less.  This fascinates me!  That stopping inhaling the smoke of cigarettes (even though he's still having a few here and there) has made that significant of a difference to his lungs that people are noticing.

What he's struggling with, though, is really really wanting a cigarette.  He's not sure why, because it's not about the nicotine, so it's about something mental.

Which frustrates him, and fascinates me.

Is it the routine?  The habit?  I do this and while I'm doing it I have a smoke?  I smoke when I feel this?  Think this?  Is it the ritual?  The flavour?  What is it that he's having such a hard time with?

He said he hadn't planned on quitting real cigarettes cold turkey with this vaporizor thing vaperizor? vaporizer?  (spell check likes that last one the best, so let's go with that) but to wean off.  I wonder if he'll ever be at a point where he won't want an actual cigarette here or there socially.  I have no idea.

But it's been interesting to watch him struggle with really, really, REALLY wanting a cigarette and knowing it's not a nicotine issue.

We humans are super interesting.  And super weird.

Thursday, 12 June 2014

Little Tidbits

Now that I'm a bit further from the beach day (still not sure how I feel about it or about possibly going back...) I can tell you some of the fun little stories that happened.

Because the beach is not signed off, people randomly stumble across it.  You can easily tell who they are by the quick pause and turnaround when they get close enough to see. 

Then there are the people who stumble across it and kind of love it!  Like the twenty something guy who wandered around for a few minutes, massive grin on his face, before wandering off again. 

But my favourite was two people (I wasn't looking, so I don't know ages or genders, but my guess would be a kid and Mom?) who all I heard was a yell/scream/whoop followed by several courses of "STOP RUNNING!"  "STOP RUNNING!!!!"

Which made us all laugh.  I guess nakedness is crazy enough that some people will literally run away from it.

That guy really shouldn't go to Burning Man.

There was also a kind of neat thing where a gentleman came to the beach a few times and just sat there, not looking at any one, fully clothed.  I think he was most likely trying to break through some cultural barriers because it was not at all creepy, he wasn't looking, had his back to as many people as possible, but it certainly seemed like he was trying.  Everyone just let him be, which was cool to see.

The most awesome thing that I got to see though involved a dragonfly.

Later in the day, one landed on the cooler right next to my head. 

I was watching him breathe (her?) when he flew up into the air and then landed again.

With a small fly in its mouth!  Which it then chomped down on while I got to watch! 

It really was the coolest thing. I got to see a dragonfly eating right up close.

So neat.

There was also a funny moment when naked Jason was standing drying off in the water and I was a little further in trying to dry my hair and he said "if you come to me I'll kiss you."  I glanced over at him and at the level of water where I was.  "You're trying to keep your balls out of the cold water aren't you?"  And he laughed and nodded, "yup!"  So I walked in a bit and got a smooch and walked back out (I was at the perfect level where I could cover my bottom bits and have my back to most people so really I felt like only he could see my boobies) smiling.  It was pretty cute.  And understandable.

Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Faith In Self

Jason and I have lots of conversations; talk about lots of things.

A conversation that stuck with me is one we had about how I don't feel like I trust myself (whatever the context was of that conversation, I forget) and I don't feel like I'm good at things or something like that.

Jason kept suggesting that I was being too hard on myself and I kept stubbornly suggesting that no, I didn't believe in myself.

There was a pause, as Jason formulated his thoughts and then he said "you know... you wouldn't have gone to Burning Man if you didn't have faith in yourself."

I said "huh?" and asked him to repeat his statement.

"You had faith in yourself, or you wouldn't have gone to Burning Man.  You had faith you could do it."

No, I argued, that's not true.  I didn't have faith in myself at all.  I researched, I learned, I packed carefully, I told myself I had a way out if I needed it, but I did not have faith I could do it.

"But... that's exactly what I mean.  You went.  You would not have left your front door if you didn't, somewhere inside you, have faith that you could do it."

And I guess after a while, what he said kind of sunk in.  Would I climb Mount Everest or run an ultra marathon several days long?  No.  (Mainly because I don't want to.) I do not believe I could do these things, physically.  Do not have faith I could survive them (although... I suppose I could train enough and get much fitter and do them eventually...) so I guess I did what it took to figure out what I needed to have the belief that I could go, and it would be ok.

I'd just never quite looked at it that way before.  I'd only ever looked at it as "I'm scared to go" (before I went) and "I'm so happy I went!" (after I came home.)  I never looked at it as "cool, I went and I did it and I made it awesome!"

So maybe although there's a part of me that says Oh, woe is me I shall never be happily married blah blah blah, there must be a bigger part of me that has faith in myself or else I would probably not keep trying to date and trying to make my relationships work.

Go figure.

One of the other conversations I had almost as a followup to this one was the fact that I went into Burning Man with no expectations (except I did want to have naughty time with Jay) and because I had no expectations it was wonderful.  Nothing disappointed me and everything filled me with delight!  (Except for the heat.  That did not delight me!)

Why was I able to do that with Burning Man and yet I go into my romantic relationships with expectations.  And, keeping that in mind... am I able to try to be in this relationship with Jason without having expectations of where I want it to go in the future?  Or of how I want it to be?  It's hard.

But if I can think of it in terms of Burning Man and having no expectations there?  It may just be worth the effort, you know?

Tuesday, 10 June 2014

I Would Title This Post "Hard", But That'd Just Make Some Of Us Giggle Inappropriately!

One of the things that has been difficult for me in terms of things with Jason (and no, it's not what made last weekend so bad) is that we have different needs and wants in terms of touch.

Without getting too personal or gory, I'm a touchy feely person.  I like and want and need to be touched by my significant other all the time.  Good, bad, or ugly.  Unless I'm horribly nauseated?  Touch is welcome.

A hug.  Naked skin on naked skin.  Kisses.  Cuddles.  Intimacy of a biblical level, all of it.  It's all good.

And speaking of the biblical stuff, I'm always good for having intimacy.  Sometimes I'm, uh, more than good, but even if for some odd reason it's not on my mind, it will be once we get into bed.

Jason is the first guy I've been with who doesn't either also work this way or work with it.  When he's stressed, he's not in the mood.  Has too much going on in his mind.  Which I understand, but a couple of times I've stayed over (and to me, this means there will be intimacy) and he's not wanted to touch at all.  One night in particular he was so upset and stressed about things he wouldn't even let me hug him once we got into bed.

I couldn't handle this.  Not being able to even touch someone?  Hug them?  Nothing?  Nevermind my own needs, wants and desires?

I slept in his guest bed rather than drive home. 

It was bad.

We talked about it and he explained that he's always been like that.

I explained that I was hearing what he was saying, and that on the flip side, I was the opposite.  I wanted and NEEDED that physical closeness to survive.  I also explained that I'd never come across this in a partner before.  Granted, I have not slept with that many people, and perhaps my times in long distance relationships have changed the "we're in the same space so we have to use this time wisely and get naked" dynamic, but this was still foreign and upsetting to me.

I thought about it a lot and decided that no.  This wasn't something I could compromise on.

That I could live with less in the sex aspect of things, but that when I was spending a night with him I needed there to be skin on skin contact, even if it was just some cuddles before we fell asleep.

It's been hard for me.  That was a really rough patch and I thought it might just be the end of things.  If you ask Jason, he's fairly sure I actually broke things off when it came up and maybe I did but I figured it was worth working through if possible.

And it's been ok.  Do we have times of biblical intimacy as much as I would have expected?  Hell no.  But has there been another night of "do not touch me at all Victoria, seriously, not at all"?  No.  Maybe there will be at some point, but we've talked about how we'll handle this and changed expectations and communication.

I'm struggling with feeling less sexually attractive, but Jason assures me that's not it at all.  I guess he's just wired differently from other people and that's unfortunate for me who is wired pretty much opposite from him.

Time will tell, I suppose, and I've adjusted and perhaps Jason has too since we fell asleep all cuddled up the other night and that hadn't happened in a while.  I just guess I'm saying that it seems like he's trying.

I mean, he'll never be me.  (I don't think anyway, but who knows.)  But he does seem to be making an effort.

One of the hard things was that mental comparison, which is so unfair to both of us, of Jason and Jay.  Because Jay and I were pretty perfectly compatible in terms of touch.  He wasn't a fan of it around his or my friends but when we were alone together, we were most likely cuddling and once in bed?  Biblical intimacy.  Always.  Except for one time I remember that we were just both exhausted and fell asleep.

But that only made things worse, because I'd sit and think about how I wanted a hybrid of Jason and Jay and that just made me feel weird and sad and sigh.

This is the first time I'm having to deal with this situation/issue/problem/concern.  I'm with someone who doesn't need (or want?) to be as intimate as I do and it's really really hard for me.

I hope we can adjust and figure it out, but there's been a lot of hard times for me and I feel like I missed out on some magical honeymoon phase I was supposed to get.

Shrug. 

Just has been a bit of a shock and disappointment, a massive difference from what I know and expect and am used to.

And let me just end with this.  I'm not talking about a need for a magical sex show that ends up with blissful orgasms.  Just... touch.  Connection.  Physical intimacy.

(And if there is a magical sex show with blissful orgasms to boot?  Perfect.)

Some would say quality over quantity and that's a very true point and I've no complaints there (ahem) but I say why not quality AND quantity?  What's wrong with both?

Monday, 9 June 2014

Things I Never Thought I'd Do

Sooooo, Jason and I went to the beach.

Um, yeah, which really isn't that big of a deal, and not really something worth talking about, except this was a beach where clothing was optional.

I have no problem with nudity.  There's a lot of it at Burning Man for example.  It just kind of is what it is.  And I hear there's this thing called pornography or something, and looking at naked people in that way doesn't bother me either.  Ladies naked in the gym changing room?  No big deal. (Except for a) when I was a kid and thought older women were terrifying because they were so WRINKLY AND HAIRY!!!! and b) when ladies go into the toilet stall naked because I ... have no idea, it just weirds me out! anyway...)

So I knew when Jason suggested it that it wasn't going to be an issue of seeing naked people.  Been there, done that... it was going to be an issue of ME being naked.

I really didn't know if I wanted to go.  At all.

And if I went?  I really didn't think I wanted to be naked in front of people.  I told Jason this and he sort of tentatively said that he figured that would be ok.  That were I a single man sitting there still wearing clothes I would be spoken to (hi, you seem to be just here to look, and that's creepy?) but that maybe as a girl I would be ok, and so I guess I sort of figured that I would go and just... kind of hang out in my bikini in a corner of the beach far from everyone else and no one would notice me at all anyway.

And I sort of thought well, there will be enough beach space that maybe I can take my top off if it's just going to be Jason and I and I'll just, you know, lie on my stomach with, like a sarong nearby in case someone came by.

So I figured I had a plan to make it work... sort of?

But I was nervous.  I'm not sure I had much to say for most of the drive there, I was certainly out of sorts enough for Jason to say "are you nervous?"  and when I nodded "yeah, I can tell, but don't be, you'll be fine."

I tried to explain that I don't like going into things that I don't know about, and that I'm uncomfortable when I don't know how I'm "supposed" to act (the known social expectations of places like this that "outsiders" don't know) and he just assured me it'd be fine.

But still.  Nervous.

We got there, blew up the floaty devices and headed down to the beach.  Which was... so much tinier than I'd expected.  (First moment where my mind kind of exploded.)  The only other nude beach I've ever seen in my life was on Maui and it was miles long.  Miles and miles long.  Secluded.  Tons of space, few people.  This was more of a ... I don't even know.  Just not what my brain had pictured.  Not what I had been mentally preparing myself for.  No place to hide.

Gah!

We put our stuff in the one shady spot (my skin doesn't do sun, it just turns red and sore!) and Jason stripped off.  I stripped down to my bikini, and sat there.

And sat there.

And sat there.

I didn't know what to do.

It was this strange experience of not quite peer pressure, but just seeing everyone else all nude (with hats, which, when you think about it is a great image... I'm not worried about sun on my bits and bobs, but I'd better keep my face in shade!) and people would come down to the beach and just strip off and I just sort of felt like an idiot sitting there with clothes still on.

I'm not sure I'm explaining it right, I just didn't know what to do.  Didn't want to be naked, but it seemed somehow wrong to sit there with clothes on.  Thoughtless?  I'm not sure.  Still trying to wrap my brain around what that feeling was.

Social expectation.

When you're the only one not doing something, in a space that people value precisely because they can be free to do that one thing there?   It felt disrespectful.

Or at least, like I was really weird.

If I had been able to crawl directly into myself I would have.  I was uncomfortable.

I told Jason that I would feel more ok taking my bottoms off than my top and that I thought that was weird.  Thinking about it now, I wonder if it's because it's easy to hide your naked bottom when you're sitting on it... duh.  But anyway, I did.  Take of my bottoms.  In public.

Gah!

And, I mean, really, was I doing it because I wanted to be naked?  No.  I was doing it because I felt like I should.  Or "had to" for some reason.  And maybe that was all in my head, but it is what it is.

I sat and tried to calm myself, well, had been doing that since we got there, but actively tried to just tell myself to chill.  Relax.  Deal with all these FEELINGS!!!!! later.  Just... you're here now... what are you going to do.

So after sitting there with my bottoms off for another while I felt uncomfortable enough at still being half clothed that I threw myself face down on the blanket and took of my top.

Gah!

Was I comfortable and relaxed?  Hell no.

Was I enjoying myself?

Nope.

See, I'm not a naked person particularly.  Sure, I love being naked in bed, and I have no issue with being naked per se, but I don't wander around my house naked, I love to have my bra and undies off, but I'll wear a sarong or something.  PJs.  Whatever.  Is that partly because I have my windows open and neighbours who can see in?  Yes.  But I guess I'm just saying that being naked in front of other people is never something that's been on my bucket list.

I know some of the philosophy behind nudists.  Nudism?  Whatever the proper term is and I'm cool and love the idea that the naked body is just the naked body and it's no big deal.  That when we all strip down to nothing, there's nothing left to get in the way.  Burning Man was awesome for that.  Hey, I'm just some guy sitting here talking to you with my junk hanging out.  Cool, I'm just some chick wandering around with a kilt and my boobies bouncing around.  No big deal.  Just bodies.  Just skin.  (Sure, maybe Burning Man there's an aspect of sexuality to it, but I'm not even going to touch on that right now, let's save that for another time.)

So there I am, naked but hiding, basically.  And still not comfortable.

But I'm also trying to just let it be.  I don't know... just... deal.  No one there cared.  No one was staring.

People would wander over to chat with Jason and no one would glance at anything other than your face.  (Which, again, is different from the creepy guys I saw at Burning Man who would sit and clearly be staring at the naked chicks, but again, story for another day.)

At some point I guess I decided to just try sitting up.

And then I realized I wanted to head out on to the water because then it would be just us for a while and I wouldn't care that I was naked anymore because Jason's already seen me naked, so we paddled out a bit and hung out in the water naked.  Which was awesome.  Until I remembered that my boobies (yes I'd sunscreened... everywhere!) had never seen sun before and I should really get them in the shade before I got a nasty burn.  (I would rather be overly cautious than end up with nasty owie burns.)

Anyway, I could go on and on about the details of all this but as the time went on I relaxed a bit, or let go a bit or whatever and eventually the sun shifted and I got warm enough on the blanket to get up and walk (naked) into the water to swim.

That, by the way, was lovely.  Not terribly warm, but I went in slowly (and again, because this wasn't a "normal" beach, no one stared, no one cared.  (Or if they looked, they were subtle about it, polite.  Because I mean did I look at people's bodies?  Yes.  Did I judge?  No.  Naked bodies are just kind of... shrug.)

So I swam and floated and got out and dried off and then swam again and my biggest worry at this point was trying to not burn so I kept trying to cover things, but then I felt self-conscious that I was covering things and people might be judging me for that so I'd uncover things.  I wish I'd had a sign that said "I'm just avoiding sunburn, not trying to hide...anymore" and man... I need to figure out how to care less about what people are thinking about me because it's damn exhausting.

We stayed there for, I don't know, three, four hours?  (And can I just get a whoop whoop for not burning at all!?)  And I sat and chatted with people about this, that and the other and the whole time I was naked and it didn't matter because everyone was there to be naked and I figured I'd survived.

I was honestly surprised when we got back to the car and I sat down and started to cry.

Jason asked what was wrong and all I could explain was that it had been a lot.

A lot.

I found the whole thing completely overwhelming.  Jason asked me a few times as we drove home if I'd liked the beach, if I'd enjoyed myself.  I kept saying that I just didn't know.  And I don't.  I don't know how I felt about it.

I don't know how I felt about being naked in front of other people.

I don't know how I feel about that.

I'm not sure why I'm not more "ok" with it or what's going on in my brain but you can bet I'm trying to figure it out.

Will I go back with Jason?

.... maybe?

He's asked if I want to go next weekend again and I'm kind of like... uh... maybe?

I don't know.

I don't know how I feel about ME being naked around other people.

I did fine.  I talked with people and we were all naked but it was emotionally overwhelming and I'm not sure why.

I'll bet there are studies and I could probably google it and I bet if I'd grown up in a different part of the world it would be no big deal at all.  Or if I'd grown up in another other part of the world it would be completely abhorrent and wrong.  I just don't know.

I tried to explain it to Jason... just that it was overwhelming and he said that yes, he remembers that the first time he went to the beach he found it pretty heavy.

I suppose there are social norms and things that need to get broken down and broken through or... something for many people.

Will I ever become a nudist?  A regular?

I have no idea.

Will I give it another shot?  Probably?  Maybe?

But when I was doing my grocery shopping the next day I kept seeing older men (there were a few at the beach that day) and wondering... is that a man who has seen my breasts naked?

It's a very strange thought for me and I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

But it was a thing.  I did it.  And now I'm trying to figure it out in my brain.

I'm sure I have more to say on this (as if this post isn't long enough as is) but I'm feeling all gablepar9p8htyhj again (no, I don't know what that means either... just my mind is fried and my brain exploded)

So, yeah, don't judge k?

Because I'm feeling like I'm the only one there who was judging me, but maybe that's part of the lesson...

Anyway.. yeah.

So there you go.

That happened.

Thursday, 5 June 2014

Oh, Hey, Hi

Sorry.  I shouldn't have abandoned you like that, things were better Monday (we talked late Sunday) and although not resolved, I'm feeling better and things are ok.

I just have had no time to sit and write, which is a good thing I think, because it means I'm not wallowing.  Right?

Right.  Let's go with that.

Anyway, just wanted to check in and let you know I'm ok. 

Monday, 2 June 2014

Hi.

I'm not doing so good.  So well.  Both.  All of the above.  Un-good.

It's Sunday morning as I write this, so there's always the hope that by the time this posts, everything will be better.  Or at least I'll feel better about it.

Things with Jason and I are at a point.  They've been at a point before but I breathed, and I suppose I compromised and I let us get through the growing pain.  He's been having a rough time with things for a while now and it's been hard for me.  I've been supporting him, but not getting much back in return.  I haven't handled this well.  I've asked him for more support, but he feels unable to give it.  And he's been under stress and gotten sick and, well, I have too.

My reactions aren't always mature, but I don't think how he handles our relationship is always mature either.

I don't talk about the nitty gritty of Jason here.  Or with my friends.  It hasn't helped.  Not talking about it, I mean.  I partly don't talk about it because there are things about our relationship that few people I know would quite get.  And partly because there are things in our relationship that I know almost everyone would tell me I've made a mistake about, and I just don't need or want to hear it.  I keep saying, I can beat myself up just fine, I don't need anyone else to do it for me.  I just need love and support.

I'm trying to be understanding, as I always am with people, and boyfriends, and whatever.  But I just keep getting the same not so good things happening and I don't know what to do anymore.  Jason shuts down when he's in a "bad" place.  This leaves me nowhere good.  And this has been what has happened the last two weekends.  It's been miserable for me.  Utterly.  And while I've been trying not to be dramatic or overly reactive, I just kind of had enough this weekend.

Packed up his things he'd loaned me or whatever and dropped them off on his porch.

Mature?  Maybe not.  But neither is not talking to your girlfriend for days on end.

I don't know.

Is it over?

Looks that way right now.  Seeing as he won't pick up when I call and that seems ridiculous to me.  Will we talk?  I sure hope so, but this doesn't seem to be about what I want, which means I'm not sure what kind of relationship it is if it's all that one sided that I'm not considered.

Anyway, it's ugly in my world right now.  And I don't know if I'll be writing at all this week, I really don't.

I'm not happy to be going back to work today (Monday) because work is sucking (don't talk about work) but I suppose it's a mental distraction for a few hours at least, right?  And maybe if I forget my phone at home I won't notice that he's still ignoring me.  Or not.

Anyway.  Just... not sure I'll be posting much or at all this week, but who knows.  Life can be funny that way.

Be well.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2017 and then some.) Kay? Kay.