Saturday, 31 January 2015

Reception

It's always odd to me when a photo I really really liked is virtually ignored when I put it online or whatever.

Now, I'm sure a lot of that is that I'm competing with some very skilled photographers and have about three friends on (the evil that is) Facebook because I always get views on Flickr so it's not as if I don't exist at all, it's just strange sometimes.

I'll be really excited about something and put it out there and... crickets.

I asked Jason why on earth he'd suggested I needed to be on Facebook in the first place if no one is actually seeing my work... which is what I thought he said the reason for it is.  He said it's important to be putting myself out there no matter what, but it does remind me of the early days here as well. 

I remember when I decided to start my own blog and the stories I had in my head made me chuckle and I put them out there and?  Nothing.

I was SO excited when I got my first comment.  And then the day I got more than ten views.  It was all very exciting.

And maybe that will happen with my photography and maybe it won't, but it's still an odd feeling...

Social media and the internet is teh weird.

You know?

Friday, 30 January 2015

Wha'd You Thay?

So I found something out rather the hard way yesterday.

I mean, it makes sense now that I think about it, but, well, I was not expecting it at the time.

See, when I woke up yesterday morning my stomach felt icky.  I took it easy at breakfast but by the time I pulled out of my driveway I felt like I was going to throw up.

Now, this is not a nice feeling to have when you're driving and I didn't want to actually throw up in my car or even at work, so I reached into my purse at the next red light and fished out a Gravol.

Usually when I take a pill I just chew up a cracker or something, hide the pill inside and swallow the chewed food lump.  I've never been able to swallow a pill with just water or on its own.  But I didn't have food, just gum, so I chewed the Gravol up with my gum (it tasted HIDEOUS) and tried to swallow it but couldn't.  But I hoped enough of it had gotten into my blood stream anyway and spat the rest out, taking deep breaths to try to settle my stomach.

And then my tongue went numb!

Just on the side where I'd chewed up the Gravol, but now I was dealing with feeling like I was going to throw up and having a numb half of a tongue.

And that's when I discovered that Gravol has an anesthetic in it and that's why they sell chewable versions.

The end.

*The more you know rainbow star thing*

Thursday, 29 January 2015

"Those Aren't Pillows!"

Last time I got my hair cut I bought some extra awesome shampoo from my hairstylist's shop place thing.

I really like the stuff and my hair does too, but it's not the cheapest in the world so I try to be good with it.

I used a different shampoo the other night, ok, technically I used my Dr. Bronner's on my hair (you can!) but I wanted to save just a little of that shampoo by not using it.

So I'd soaped up and rinsed my hair and I grabbed the conditioner (my hair also really does better with conditioner) and started trying to comb it through.

Except it wasn't combing through the way conditioner usually does.  Which was weird. 

So I sniffed.

And in sniffing, I discovered that the bottle I'd grabbed had not actually been one of my two conditioners, but had, in fact, been the shampoo I had been trying to save.

Le sigh.

My hair got a double wash that night.  And then I used actual conditioner.

Oh brain..... why do you go on holiday sometimes?

Wednesday, 28 January 2015

A Good Thought

Jason and I went out to take some photos this weekend and he came back to my place and helped me look through some of what I've done lately.  He also gave me a few editing pointers and I ended up with a shot I liked enough to put into a challenge.  (No, not this shot, this shot is from about five years ago, and even I can see that were I to take this same shot today it would be "better."  Or at least different.)

I posted the shot up on the forum and on my flickr and waited to see if anyone would have any positive feedback on it.

A few hours after I dropped Jason off at his place, he posted up one of his shots from our afternoon's adventures he posted a shot of his own on flickr.  And oh my... it was exactly what the day looked like.  Ouch.

Kind of a kick to my ego.

And then I realized something.

Jason and I had been talking about dance earlier, and how I feel it's such a wonderful art form and different from photography in that it's dynamic and the artist is part of the art whereas with photography the artist creates the art but the art is static.  (An interesting topic/idea that's not really the point here.)

I realized though that I've had years of dance training and experience.  Probably as many years of dance classes as Jason has had years of photography skills.  So... if Jason and I decided to go on stage and perform the same dance piece... well, to put it kindly, my dance performance would be much nicer to watch than his. 

So with this in mind... why am I comparing my photos to his?  I would be proud of him if he put together three tap moves wouldn't I?  Or if he learned a line dance?  So why shouldn't I be proud of myself for taking a shot that's good for the level I'm at and why would I compare my work to someone who's in an entirely different league than I am?

And why do I still think I might have problems with this comparing thing even though this is a brilliant realization?

I can out dance Jason.  Jason can out-shoot me.  I'm learning to shoot better, and I'd be happy to teach him some line dances if he wanted.

*winky face emoticon thing*

Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Thankful

I also had a very touching moment on my birthday that meant a great deal to me.

I was leaving work when I stopped at a crosswalk to let someone pass.

It was a young man zooming along, strapped into his wheelchair headed off somewhere but it had a strong impact on me.

I might not have everything I want in my life but I am so very very lucky.  Looking at this man I realized I am so incredibly healthy, really I am.  And I have such a rich life.  I have a good job, I have a place I live, a vehicle, I have an income that allows me to be safe and warm and fed.  I have great friends, a loving family.  I am really blessed and lucky and so thankful.

I think that was a wonderful way to go into these next years / part of my life.  I have so much.

So much.

Monday, 26 January 2015

Happy

I had a very very happy birthday indeed.  I was made a cake at work, and brought flowers and sang to.  I visited my parents on my way home (and the sparklers my Mom lit set off the smoke detector which was terribly amusing!) and then C-Dawg and I went out for the evening.

The next night more friends took me out for dinner and there was champagne and presents and we watched silly youtube videos at their place until it was time to go home.

I would say I feel spoiled, but that word doesn't have a good connotation to it... my friends and family were so kind to me and so generous and it was a really great, happy birthday.

Very special.  A great start to this next year of my life!

Saturday, 24 January 2015

Argh

Sometimes I feel like I should be in charge of the world.

Or at least the small part of it I live in/interact with.

Or maybe it's just that I feel like if everyone would just do what I think is right it would all be a whole lot better already because ARGH!

*Takes deep breath, puts self in time out*

Friday, 23 January 2015

The Cutest Request

I was visiting my friend this weekend and she has two young boys; two and four.  They were rambunctious boys before dinner and delightfully entertaining during dinner, and then they had their baths and put on their pjs for bed.

My friend is a wonderful Mother and had them both come and give me a hug goodnight (I'm not a stranger to the boys, but don't see them all that often) which I very much appreciate and adore.  She then went to put them both down while I kept myself company in the living room.

She came in a few minutes later and said that the two year old had requested that I go in to cuddle with him.

Can you hear my heart melting from here?

So I went in, snuggled down next to him and, well it was very sweet and genuine.  I had to remind myself to not fall asleep, because I probably would have if I hadn't kept telling myself not to.

Thursday, 22 January 2015

Bath.... Continued

Soooooooooooo we had a chat about baths the other day, yes?  Well, I've got something random to add to the mix.

A friend had me over for dinner this weekend and she told me to bring my swimsuit so we could sit in the hot tub after.

We did, and sat and chatted and caught up until she said she was getting too warm and I realized we'd been probably close to forty five minutes.

So... why did I not get too hot in the giant hot tub bath guy?

Was it because I was outside in cool, fresh air?  I'm sure the company and chatting was part of the reason, but even after, I didn't feel overly heated whereas I took a bath last night and was roasting within minutes.

Maybe I should have a bath with my bathroom door open and see if the fresh air evens things out...

Or, you know, something like that.

The bath mystery continues... duh duh duuuuuuuuuuh!

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Spam Diddily Spam Spam

So it's been a while since I've had a spam email about watches, but I did get one about CANADIAN MEDS the other day and that made me realize I haven't updated you on my spam lately.

To be honest, it's been pretty much straightforward "hot chicks want to meet you" and variations of that.

So... somewhere out there, some spam bot is convinced I'm a man.  (Or, I suppose a lady loving lady, but the occasional reference to man parts makes me doubt that)

That being said, if anyone wants a hot bride from (insert far away country of choice) I seem to have the hookup email in my spam folder, so just let me know.  They really really really want to meet a guy like me.

Maybe it's the watches?

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

The Guy Non Guy

So.... I guess I'd kind of hoped the "I called a new guy last weekend" guy would turn into a thing.  He called me a few days after I called him but I haven't heard from him since.  I sent him a hello email the other day and he got back to me but I guess ... I don't know.. I wanted to realize he was the new love of my life and kind of get going with that?

I know I said I would just let it happen or not happen the way it was going to but man if only it were that easy, right?

Maybe he'll turn out to be the love of my life, maybe not.... maybe he's the next guy I date... maybe not.  Maybe I just get ok with being single... maybe the next great relationship is right around the corner.

But... yeah... if wishes were horses.... and all that jazz.

Monday, 19 January 2015

A Little Ouchy Right Now

Yesterday was a year to the day that Jason and I first messaged and then talked. 

My birthday is very soon (for anyone else with a January birthday, I totally bought an extra advent calendar and have been chocolate-counting-down all month, try it, it's fun!) and I've always just avoided talking about my birthday here, but this one's causing me some ouch.

It's one of those "multiple of five" birthdays and people seem to have expectations of me "doing something" for it and that makes me feel like I'm missing out or somethings and it's become this big comparison thing the last week or two of me comparing myself to what I think I'm "supposed" to do for my birthday and trying to reconcile that with where I am in my life and, no, there is no t.v. show husband to throw me the surprise birthday party with 50-60 of our best friends in the back of his bar that he's closed down for the night.  I don't have that.

My brother too, when I said I didn't really know what I was doing for my birthday said that answer was unacceptable, I had to party! 

It made me cry.

He backed down that weekend and said whatever I wanted to do was perfect, he just wanted to make sure I was happy and I know that people mean well but it's hard.

Jason's got a photography show in town and another exhibit halfway across the world and even if he wasn't wrapped up in prep for that a) he can't afford to treat me on my birthday and b) we're not together anyway.

So I feel like I'm trying to stay happy and relaxed while fighting off the imaginary voices that are telling me I'm SO not where I SHOULD be and EVERYONE else is because I know those voices are just making stuff up but I'm also feeling lonely and... single I guess and the Christmas-birthday-Valentine's day stretch is hard when you're single.  Even though the days are getting longer and therefore brighter.

I had acupuncture this weekend to try to settle my body so I can start sleeping well again and there was an amusing moment when my credit card wasn't going through and we were both confused as to why and then she realized she had accidentally typed in seven million five hundred thousand rather than the usual seventy five dollars.

Can you imagine having a credit card that would have allowed that to go through?  Yeah, just put the seven mill on my card, no biggie!

Anyway... I'm hoping by this time next week I will be feeling.... better.

Except apparently at boot camp you have to do "birthday burpees" and so this week's boot camp might make me die.

If so, it was cool knowing you....

love, Victoria...killed by burpees.

Saturday, 17 January 2015

I Have No Idea... It Just Wrote Itself.

now tell me of the girl who fell
through cracks in worlds
and straight through hell
into a place she did not know
where moons were round and full and low
and life was simple
short and sweet
and men were kind
and children neat
and no one spoke of hate at all
and none were made to feel so small
a life perfection, flawless, gold
where none would ail, and none grow old 
but birds did not exist to fly
nor hearts to break
or tears to cry
and only happy
only love
and never rain
from skies above
without some pain
without some sorrow
she found life bland
and spent tomorrow
wishing she could fall back home
through cracks in worlds
and straight through hell
back to the world she once did roam
where she'd known love
and pain
and sorrow
and birds could fly
and sing and borrow
life from life
and always moving
never dull
and always proving
hope again
the human way
and loving life
from day to day
despite it all
without perfection
to choose a life of her direction
so tell me of the girl who fell
through cracks in worlds and straight through hell
and tell me how she wanted back
to colour all the rainbows black so she could see them
shine again
and find the gold
at rainbow's end

Friday, 16 January 2015

A Challenge

The other week Jason and I were talking about my photography and how I felt about it and he suggested I ask for critique from some professionals.  He'd mentioned it a while ago but I had a little baby freakout about the fact that if someone told me all the things that were wrong with my photos I'd probably burst into tears and run away and hide never to be seen again.

But about a month ago, I came to a point where I realized unless I had constructive guidance, I was probably just going to stay at the point I'm at now.  And although there's nothing wrong with the point I'm at now, I consciously want to be further ahead.  So... critique.

There are forums and sites and places online where you can ask for people who know about these things to look at your work and give it critique.

We talked about the fact that critique is based on actual artistic guidelines and not just "Ugh, I don't like your photo, it's dumb and you're a poopy head."  Because, well, sometimes the internet can be that way.

So even though I thought I was going to be ripped to shreds, I put up one of my photos for critique.

It was fine. 

As I told Jason, I hadn't purposely planned out the shot, so I didn't feel like I had a whole lot I would be overly sensitive about and the people were fair and kind in their suggestions.  It was a really good experience.

I mean, it felt overwhelming too... all these new things I could/should be thinking about when taking a photo when I'm used to just seeing something, pointing and clicking... it's... overwhelming.

And I took it a little personally when I found that my photo had only received a "score" of 49%.  That... kind of hurt my feelings.  That half of the people didn't like it.

But, as Jason very kindly pointed out... that's better than getting 30% or 10% and that on a site of this level (his words, not mine) it's a great thing for a newer photographer.  So... I took a pause... and am seeing it for the positive.

And then... a few days later, even though it quite literally made me feel faint (I thought I might have to put my head between my legs) I submitted the same photo to the site's weekly contest.

It was terrifying.

But once I'd done it it was done and... well, yeah.

I finished 447th by the way.  Which makes me smile, because I have no idea how many entries there were.  448?  1000?  500?  No idea.  But... if nothing else, I got some people saying they liked the photo, some people adding it as a favourite, and, maybe most importantly?  I put myself and my work out there in a way that was very very scary to do.

*pats self on back, with paper bag nearby in case I need to do some breathing into it to stop from fainting*

Thursday, 15 January 2015

Just Trying To Not Think

I talked to a new guy this weekend.

Saw his profile on the dating site when I was scrolling through a while ago, and he said he wasn't much of a typer and gave me his phone number.

I told him I'm really shy of calling people I don't know but this weekend I figured I should try to push myself through that fear and so I dialed and called.

He has an unusual job that has him travelling pretty much all the time all over the country, so my mind already wants me to know it's not a person I could have a relationship with plus I... well, one million other things, really, but we had a nice talk for a couple of hours and he said he'd give me a call so...

Yeah.

Shrug.  I'm just going to try to breathe and let whatever's meant to be be... or not be.. or... whatever, I don't know.

I still have my profile hidden on the site and am not really sure I want to date or "move on" from Jason or anything really.  Sometimes I even think I'd be happy if Jay came into town so I could have a long cuddle nap, but I think that's my brain remembering things that aren't real or true anymore.

But, yeah, I spoke on the phone to a guy I don't know.  Shrug.  Good for me being brave?

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

A Sick Kind Of Ouch

I didn't accidentally break Jason's leg but it was close.

He came over for a bit on Saturday to escape his fighting roommates, and as he was taking off his shoes I went into my kitchen, stepping around the dishwasher door I'd left open and down.

I'd kept it open when I went to pick him up to remind me to start the dishwasher when I went out next and when we got back to my place I stepped around it and thought "I should really lift that up because he might not see it and trip over it" but the rest of my brain over-ruled that thought and said "nah, he'll see it, it's hard to miss."

Except if you're looking at a text that just came in on your phone and so therefore not looking down at all and not expecting a dishwasher door to be right there at shin level and you guys?  I felt so bad.

He smacked right into it full speed and collapsed on the kitchen floor.  I could tell it was that kind of pain that makes you feel sick to your stomach and I was kicking myself for not having closed the damn door.

He wasn't mad at me, said he should have been looking, and I appreciate that, but I feel like I knew better and should have just put the door up.

I gave him ice and put some arnica on for him but he had a nice little goose egg. 

I kind of don't want to think about how much that must have hurt.

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

It's Just Working For Me Right Now

"Obsessed" is not the right word, but I keep listening to songs from, or occasionally both albums of The Wall.

I feel like The Wall has been a part of my life for a long time even if I didn't exactly know it.  I remember singing along to "Another Brick in The Wall" on the radio and getting "in trouble" from my parents.  I don't exactly know why or what they said but I think they didn't appreciate that the song put down teachers or education or something and so I remember something like being told we didn't like that song or something.

Or maybe not, children's memories not always being 100% accurate, but I do remember hearing it on the radio that sat behind the couch in the family room.

Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of The Moon" is one of the first CDs I owned (even if by "owning" it, I mean taking it from my brother's room and never quite giving it back..like...ever) and I suppose I've always connected with their music, even before I knew it had semi-cult status.

I'm sure I heard random songs from The Wall before I heard/watched The Wall in its entirety, after all, haven't we all sung "Comfortably Numb" at a house party or at the beach with a single guitar in front of a bonfire?

So I'll find myself singing a phrase from a song and realize it's from The Wall and I'll go and give that song a listen (or a watch) and I'll often realize there are many of the songs (most?) from the albums I can sing word for word.

I've started to have an urge to analyze The Wall from all sorts of perspectives to find all the ways it means something to me.  Or to find what I think they meant by it and how I interpreted that meaning and, well, anyway... the point is, I've been listening to the Wall a lot lately.  It's pretty damn magnificent.

Monday, 12 January 2015

Argh

So I'm having a grumpy grump and usually I try not to blog when I'm sort of rage angry....ok, that's not entirely true, I sometimes do blog when I'm raging because it helps me calm down somewhat, but here's the thing, I'm super frustrated with my photos at the moment.

And I don't just mean the general moment of this particular time of growth in my life, I mean right this very second of sitting here typing this on this keyboard.

Like, the photo here.  I want to smash it with a hammer.

Although... since it's currently on my computer screen that would do nothing but damage my computer it's really more of a feeling than an actual thing I'm going to do.  Plus, I mean, if I had printed it out, hitting a piece of paper with a hammer wouldn't really result in much but you get what I'm saying.

I took this last year according to flickr's dating stamp and I called it "not quite" because I remember at the time I'd wanted the photo to look a certain cool way and hadn't quite managed that.  It wasn't as symmetrical as I'd wanted it to be... is what I'm thinking.

But now I look at it and I want to, you know, the hammer smashing thing.  Because not only is it not symmetrical, it's not even straight!  It's frigging crooked and there's really no contrast in the black and white of the image and I want to go back and delete allllll the old photos I've taken that I no longer things are any good but then I tell myself that wouldn't be being honest in terms of how far I've come but man... I at least want to go and "fix" a bunch of them or something.

I even tried to go back into my old photos and find this one so I could re-edit it but it's not there and, well, that's probably for the best...  But yeah.... not having a happy moment photo wise.

Here's what I'm trying to tell myself right now (when really, all I want to do is stamp my feet and have a tantrum and yell and smash things with hammers [apparently]) is that I know I've improved.  Even just doing the however many (three? four?) years of 365 projects I saw improvements.  And then more this year working with different gear and Aperture and looking at my work differently but blah.....

Anyway... just venting.  It'll pass...no need to call the hammer police or anything.

Saturday, 10 January 2015

Awwww!

I totally forgot to tell you!

When I went to buy libations for New Years, the young fellow at the little liquor store asked me for ID!

I think I told him he made my day or perhaps I giddily jumped up and down because he said that he can usually tell the person's old enough by their reaction to that question.

I'm going to ignore the little voice in my head that wants me to believe he was just looking for tips and I'm going to tell myself that I looked young enough that he felt it was better to check my I.D.

Yay, I don't look 100!

I should have time off work more often... apparently it makes me look gooooood.

Friday, 9 January 2015

An Outside Shower Thought

I often have weird and wonderful rambling thoughts in the shower.

I think it's something about having very little to focus on (wash hair, soap, water, rinse) or my body relaxing that allows my mind to wander, and sometimes come up with some very cool ideas.

I was out for a walk the other evening during my relaxing time off and my brain went into a sort of similar thought wander. 

It was dark, I had some music in my ears, I didn't have my camera with me but I was paying attention to people's faces in the streetlamp light and I found myself realizing that people were also looking at me.

I generally don't notice this as without my glasses, I can't see you clearly until you're fairly close to me and it's considered odd to look that seriously at someone, but this night I had my glasses on due to it being dark so I could glance up or over at them much more easily.  Plus, I was looking at the light on faces, and, well, I guess I was in my own little world and not minding "social norms" so much.

But then I started to wonder WHY people were looking at me.

I was looking at them to see what they looked like and if I would want to try to take their photo, but why were they looking at me?

Were they looking at me because I was looking at them?  Were they looking at me because I looked funny? (It was cold, I had on a toque and a giant scarf and a big jacket.)  Were they looking at me in a positive way?  Negative way?  Neutral way?  Was everyone looking at me for a different reason?

Did that person just look to see who I was... and that one to see what I looked like... and that one because I was hogging the sidewalk... and that one because they're grumpy and wondering why I was staring at them?

It's a weird thing when you start to (over) think about it.

Why do we look at certain people and what are are thoughts?

Or are there even thoughts?

I don't know...

(I wonder if being able to read minds would be awesome or horrible anyway...) (See?  Shower thought!)

Thursday, 8 January 2015

Ok, Seriously?

Do people on tv never watch tv?

I ask this because the shows that I binge watched over the holiday (when all the rest of tv land abandons us come on!!!) all included someone somewhere having an affair.

And all of these affairs were discovered when these people decided to smooch at the door of their hotel room.  Or on the way to the elevator.  Generally, they all smooched in the hotel hallway.

Which... if they'd watched ANY of the other tv shows, they'd have learned that this is (apparently) how (tv) affairs get discovered, and they'd have kept their smooching to the inside of the hotel room.

Or they would have stopped hugging by their cars, where apparently the private investigator guy with the camera gets you with his telephoto lens.

I'm just saying.  People on tv should clearly watch more tv.

Or, you know, stop having affairs.

Duh.

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Little, Yellow, Different, Better*

So, baths.

People seem to love them their baths.  I have friends who'll take a bath for hours.  Literally hours... refilling the water and just zen-ning out.

I talked to a friend last week who admitted he doesn't really know how but he sometimes falls asleep in the bath.  ASLEEP!!!

Apparently, I don't take baths "properly."

See, I don't linger in the bath.  Ten, fifteen minutes and I'm good.  I'm happy.  I've soaked, I'm warm, relaxed, whatever... I don't stay in them all that long.

I'll have a bath that's five minutes long sometimes.  I mean, really, it's just not something I want to to for a super long period of time.

I'll shower (because I do not want to sit in a tub of my own dirt water!) and then once I'm clean, I'll start filling the tub.  Sometimes I'll add epsom salts if I'm sore, or bath gel stuff if I want to smell nice and then I'll sit.  I'll sit and I'll let it fill and I'll lie back and soak and then... well, I'm done.  Maybe it's partly the wrinkle factor on toes and fingers, or maybe it's that my body takes to the heat really well and I get to a point of, ok, I don't want to be any warmer... or maybe it's that my mind doesn't settle too much in there because I'm trying not to get my hair wet or drown or it's time to think about dinner or... I don't know, I'm not saying I don't like baths... I do... I just don't ever particularly seem to have very long ones.

And people seem to think I'm kind of weird for that.




No idea, it just got into my head.  Remember the old ad?

Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Two Thousand And Fifteen

Life moves in mysterious ways and a dear friend of mine who has always known she wanted to be a mother, and this past year started meeting with doctors to undergo treatments and all sorts of things I don't know much about just emailed me to let me know that she and her new boyfriend are unexpectedly pregnant.

She had heard from the medical community that pregnancy might not happen for her and had tried certain procedures that hadn't worked.  And ... out of nowhere, mother nature decided that a baby was going to be had.  And I couldn't be happier for her.

I have another friend I work with who has a vaguely similar story.  She was single and of "a certain age" and was looking into ways to have a baby on her own when she ran into a former high school sweetheart, they reconnected and a year later were pregnant with their first child.

I, myself, don't have that desire, it's not a baby I'm wanting in my life, it's a partner.  And it's ironic that you can't exactly go to a doctor and say "hey, can you help me become married?"  Or maybe it's not ironic... maybe I'm just trying too hard to stretch the metaphor....

Jason says I should get a dog.  That that will give me some of the love and companionship I'm missing being "a single."

I cried when he told me this because yes, I want a dog, I always have, but it's not that simple.  At a bare minimum, it means me moving and I don't want to do that... I'm comfortable here and really like my place and this building and, well, it's a lot.  A lot of change.

And I want that magical partner.  The one that's all the things I love about Jason and all the things I liked about Jay and all the magical wonderful things I believe I would love to have in my partner and, well, maybe I just have to look at it differently.  Maybe it's my own mental version of polyamory.

Maybe I keep Jason in my life as that go to friend I can talk to about anything and say anything to and be grumpy with no matter what.  And maybe someone comes into my life that I can be a romantic partner with and I still have C-Dawg to work with and that kind of best friend stuff with and maybe it all just works.  I don't know.

I just see the magic that has happened for my friend and imagine her holding her baby this Summer and I want to lean into trusting life and the Universe to work with and for me that same way.

I'm not saying it was easy for her; I'm not saying there wasn't heartbreak.... I just... I want that.  That happy accident of all of a sudden being faced with everything I've always wanted and being utterly overwhelmed by it.. and then breathing it all in and embracing it.

That's what I want.  My life.  The way I feel it being.  With him.

And my dog.

And my place.

And my art, and my dreams and my adventures.

Monday, 5 January 2015

Mornings

(I'm not writing this Monday morning, I'm writing it Sunday evening, but) I think I may have cursed myself for Monday morning...

See, like a few people I know, I took some extra days off the last week or so and so managed to have a good stretch of time off.  I'm glad I did and I'm happy to have done a whole lot of nothing but relaxing (and binge watching Nashville but that's another story) but I think I may be in trouble morning wise.

My body does not like waking up.  That is, it does not like waking up earlier than it WANTS to wake up.  I usually try on weekends and such to stay reasonably close to the wake up time I have to have on work days, but this last week... things just stretched out.

I had a late late night staying up and talking about life and everything and nothing with Jason and so that was a 2 or 3 am night that I just didn't feel like getting up at 7 or 8 am the next morning.  Plus... do you have any idea how cozy it is in my bed?  Especially when it's still dark out and freezing in the room and I don't need to be anywhere and my body is all relaxed and dreamy and, well, one more hit of the snooze button won't hurt, right?  And hey, you know what?  I was up late last night, why not just... let myself sleep in... yeah.....

And then there was New Years' and just a general morning sense of well, I won't be able to sleep in soon so... maybe just a little bit more this morning... and this morning and this morning.

And then I'd get up, warm and lazy and not really be that hungry so I'd sort of slide over breakfast and have a late brunch and, well, yeah, all that's fine and dandy but... this week?  I may be in morning trouble.

Because starting this morning, I have to get up hours earlier than I have been.  And I have to eat right away, and sometimes my body has a really really hard time with these two things.  This morning may be ok what with the adrenaline of "geez I can't sleep in today!" but tomorrow morning may be rough.  Especially since when I sleep later, my body doesn't see the need in going to bed any earlier and it's a cycle...

I think my body would set pretty naturally to a reasonable sun-driven schedule if I didn't have to work and maybe some day I'll get to see that, but for now... I have to get up and get ready for and go to work all before the hours I've been enjoying sleeping in to.

But man... my bed's been so so comfy you guys.

So.


Friday, 2 January 2015

Blog Break!

See you Monday!

I know.. it's not really much of a break... but still... BLOG BREAK!

A holiday from having to try to make my brain work!

Wheee!

Thursday, 1 January 2015

:)

Here's to a great new year!

Happy 2015 y'all.
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