Thursday, 31 December 2015

Day 10: One Confession

I thought about giving you a big, juicy confession but the only one I can think of right now is work related and I still don't think it's wise to go there.  Or, to tell you that the earthquake we had here the other night pointed out to me that sleeping naked might have unforseen consequences, but I think what I'm going to end up confessing on this, here, the last night of what's actually been a pretty good year is that

1.  I actually like Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up."  I do!  It's catchy and sweet and cute and I have good memories of listening to it when I was a kidlet and it was an actual song on the radio and tv and stuff.  So there.

Enjoy your New Year's Eve, be it quiet or a big to do.  Be safe if you're going out and may the new year bring you joys you haven't even yet imagined.

This year went quickly.  I still feel like it's just getting started.  Time flies when you're having fun, I suppose.  So I must have had fun.

Here's to a new year.  *Hugs and smooches*


Wednesday, 30 December 2015

Day 9. Two Words That Describe Your Life Right Now and Why

1. Empty.

2. Unclear.

Although those two words could be taken very negatively, and I'm not saying this isn't a sad, difficult time for me right now, they also could be seen as a time where there's almost a feeling of clean slate.  Like, I have no idea about so many things right now and while that is unsettling and frightening, on a good day, I can see it as full of choice, chance and opportunity.

My life feels empty right now.  I feel quite lost without Max and that love and the plans we'd made, and I don't want to date or try to be in a relationship so there's this void where I'd like to have a partner to love and share with and be with and think about a future with.  It's also that time of year when people do their thing and it's darker and colder and I just feel blah and there's more to it all than that but yeah.  Empty and unclear.  I have no idea where I'll be this time a year from now, never mind next season, or this summer or anything.  I might be not far from where I am right now but it's unlikely I'll be right here.  I don't know.

So, yeah.  Stuff.  Blah.  Life.

Tuesday, 29 December 2015

Day 8: Three Turn Ons

Ok, I guess this is different than eight ways to win my heart.  I guess we're assuming my heart has been won and... now there's going to be smooching?  Ok, so....  uh.... I'm going to keep this P.G.  Ish.

1.  Shoulder/neck rubs.  When given by my significant other person, I pretty much melt.  Yup.  Happy.

2.  I think this is similar to winning my heart by being passionate about something, but watching someone in their element can be a big turn on.  When they're comfortable and confident and really enjoying what they're doing, that can be really cool to see.

3.  Honestly?  A really good connection.  When I am in love with someone, and we have that amazing connection and I feel safe and cared for, pretty much just being around or thinking about that person is enough to get me going.  Sometimes some people just do that for me, and, well, those are generally the only ones I'd want to smooch.

Monday, 28 December 2015

Day 7: Four Turn Offs

Hope you had a good last few days, or Christmas or, you know, your thing.

I got through it.  The end.

Anyway, back to randomness...

Four turn offs... um.... seeing as I'm really not in the dating or even smooching mood as I write this I kind of just want to say "everything" But that's not... in the spirit of these writing prompts so I'll give it a try, here goes... four turn offs.

1.  Harshness/hardness.  When someone is mean/unkind/nasty/harsh/negative/cruel or whatever it is I just can't put my finger on, it does the opposite of work for me.  I'm not saying I don't like people who are a little rough around the edges, just I don't like harsh...ness.

2.  Cheating/Disloyalty.  There is no appeal to me, whatsoever, in someone who is not being loyal, honest and open with their partner/spouse/friend/whatever.

3.  Smoking.  Smells.  Gross.  Unhealthy.  Nasty.  Addiction.

4.  Overindulgence.  Being drunk/wasted/etc makes me lose respect really quickly.  Do not like.

So yeah...

Thursday, 24 December 2015

Happy Holidays

Maybe you celebrate something at this time of year.  Maybe you don't.  Maybe there are people you wish you could see, or maybe there are some you'd rather not.

Maybe you're with family, maybe you're with friends, or maybe you're just with yourself.

Maybe you look forward to this time of year, maybe you don't.

Maybe you're travelling, or people are travelling to be with you.

Maybe it's busy and noisy and crazy where you are, maybe it's quiet and simple.

Whatever is going on for you right now I hope you're safe and happy and if it's a hard time for you, I hope you know you're loved.

This too shall pass, for better or for worse.  Merry Christmas if that's your thing. Happy Holidays if not.

Be well.

Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Day 6: Five People Who Mean A Lot to You (In No Particular Order)

1. C-Dawg.  She's a fun friend and a good friend and a close friend and all sorts of good things.  It sometimes surprises me how long we've known each other.  And we're neither of us quite exactly sure how we started to be friends and all that.

2.  Jason.  He is sometimes difficult to be with or deal with but he is a good person and has been there for me in some of my really tough times over the last couple of years.  He is always encouraging and I know he cares for me and wants what's best for me.  He makes me believe good things about myself, even if he has to yell at me to make me believe them.

3.  My family.  I know that's not just a person, it's more than one, but still, they'd take up probably the whole list otherwise.  Good people.  Mean well.  We love each other. 

4.  Sarah (and her guy).  Sarah (and by extension her guy, with the exception of a year or two when he went travelling around the world and broke her heart but then came back and moved in with her and I forgave him and yay!) is always there for me and always listens and is always supportive.  We've known each other for evar and she's really good people.

5.  Max.  Right now it's true.  And this will infuriate some of you I'm sure, but I also don't care right now.  He was a wonderful experience and I have never before experienced and shared such a joyful love before.  Everything about the "us" felt so perfectly right to me and he did and currently still does mean a lot to me.  This may change or fade with time, but for now, it's the truth of how I feel.

Tuesday, 22 December 2015

Day 5: Six Things You Wish You Had Never Done

Happy Winter Solstice northerners!

I actually have a hard time with this one because I feel like even the decisions I made that I didn't end up enjoying have lead me to where I am now so.... therefore they're not really all that regrettable....  So I can't actually think of things I wish I had never done, there are things I would not like to do again perhaps? 

1.  Answered my parents honestly when they asked me if I'd ever tried the marry ju wana.  I had tried it and thought I should just answer them honestly.  They did not react well to this (it's a bigger deal to them than it is to, well me... and we'll just leave it at that.  It was a huge concern to them.)  and it really made our relationship strained and still upsets them to this day (that I had ever tried it at all.)

2.  Drank so much I threw up.  I really could have lived without that experience of sitting over the toilet bowl swearing I would never drink again if I could just stop feeling like this, please God make it stop.

3.  Helped someone out financially a lot more than I really should have.  It was really bad timing to boot and I'm still struggling financially.  It's not that I mind helping, it's that I feel like I over-extended. 

4.  Tried to be clever but actually incidentally teased my brother.  When we were kids, my brother and I were both in French Immersion.  I saw him crying, talking to our Mom about something that he was upset about and because I'd never seen him cry like that before I felt awkward.  I didn't know how to handle it, and because the French for he is crying and it is raining sound similar I tried to lighten the situation by saying "oh, he is raining" because... I thought it would be clever... or something.  That he'd recognize the pun and cheer up.  But.... when I said it, he just got more upset and I realized he probably just thought I was saying... hey look, my brother's crying.  I felt bad.  Still do, clearly.  I bet he doesn't even remember...

5.  I think this one is cheating because it's something that happened to me rather than something I actually did, but I wish I had never contracted the gastrointestinal... bug or whatever that I did on a trip that meant I was incredibly ill on a flight that seemed to be never ending on a tiny little charter plane.  I don't remember being that physically miserable and feeling like it would not end.  Horrible horrible time, even drugged up on whatever I was on.  So bad. 

6.  I sat here for a really long time trying to think of another one and now I'm cheating again and I'm totally ok with this!  I wish I had never read some of the really awesome books I've read because then I could read them again for the first time!  Although, I suppose then I wouldn't know that they're awesome and might not read them but still... I would love to have that first go of some of my favourite books again.

Monday, 21 December 2015

Day 4: Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A Lot

1.  The fact that I'm tired.  Be it emotionally or physically, I often just want to lie down and zone out.  Could all be part and parcel of the time of year and what's going on I suppose or being stuck in a cycle but yeah, the feeling of being tired and wanting to rest crosses my mind a lot.

2.  What should I eat?  This was less of a thought when I was following a meal plan, but I would still think about what to put in my mouth throughout the day.  Snack wise or treat wise or food wise or whatever.  Food is my easiest little mini happy moment, or is often a what will upset my stomach the least thought.  I get random cravings.  I give in to eating things that taste good but aren't good for me a lot more than I'd maybe like to.  When I'm not at my best I don't want to eat and I think about food still because I think I should be eating and it should be protein filled or healthy or whatever, but see #1 above... I often don't have the energy to cook... even though the things on my meal plan are pretty simple and fast to make. 

3.  I'm lucky.  I know I am.  I live in a beautiful part of the world and in a country that is safe and peaceful.  I'm healthy, I have food, shelter, income, water, all of those basic needs are met.  That makes me luckier than a whole lot of people in the world.  The things that worry or concern or upset me are things that in the big picture I am lucky that they're what I worry about.  There are no bombs dropping on my neighbourhood.  I'm not living in fear of my life.  I have health care.  My water is clean.  I can afford a place to live and food to eat and even luxuries.  I have travelled.  I have visited other countries.  I have a passport.  I can vote.  I'm a very very lucky person.

4.  Negative self talk.  Or, not helpful self talk.  Worrying stories, upsetting thoughts.  All of these.  They cross my mind a lot.  I'm working on changing that and I do think it's getting better, but there is still a lot of talk in my mind that is blue.  Or dark.  Or however you want to put it.

5.  Currently, thoughts about Max cross my mind a lot.  I'll just leave it at that.

6.  I really spend too much time online.  See #1 again.  They're related.  Lying on my couch and zoning out with a show or something online takes no energy.  But it also drains my time and isn't really much of a life.  I know this. 

7.  Should.  Frustrates me when someone (often a counsellor) points out how much I use that word.  And it never feels good to think it.  I think I probably intend it as a motivator.... I should be doing X, Y, Z... but I think it just makes me feel more of #4 and more of #1.  But "should" is definitely one of those thoughts I'm trying to hear and think and say less.

Saturday, 19 December 2015

Day 3: Eight Ways to Win Your Heart

Ouch.  This one hurts to even consider writing about right now.  But hey.... I'll give it a go.  And then probably go cry.  But that's ok....

Sigh.

1.  Be kind.  A kind person.  A kind heart.  Kindness towards me, yourself, others, animals, life in general, strangers.  Be kind.  Loving.  Generous.  Gentle. 

2.  Be strong.  I don't mean rawr, hulk smash muscles kind of strong, I mean in yourself.  Emotionally.  Personally.  Be strong in knowing who you are and what you believe in.  Stand up for what's right and good.  Be a strong person. 

3.  Love touch.  All of it.  Love to hold me, touch me, sit with me, cuddle me, and yes, be intimate with me.  Love to be held, touched, cuddled, etc.  Let me touch you too.  Want to sit next to me and be affectionate.  Hugs.  Kisses.  Whatever.  Touch.

4.  Be genuine.  I don't know how to explain this other than to say if you're trying to be something you're not it won't sit well with me.  It'll make me uncomfortable.  If you tell little lies or untruths I'll notice.  If you say you'll do something, do it.  Just be who you are for better or for worse.  Be real.

5.  Be thoughtful. 

6.  Love.  Don't be afraid of it.  Give it, accept it, share it.  Say it.  Show it.  Mean it.  Be love.

7.  Be passionate.  About something.  Extra bonus if it's an art.  I fall easily for people when they're focussing on what it is they're good at and passionate about. 

8.  Be supportive.  Especially of me, and all that I am and want to be and have trouble with moving through. 

Friday, 18 December 2015

Filling The Glass

First thing Monday morning is when I was supposed to be going to the airport to fly from here to San Fransisco before continuing on from there to Albuquerque to spend a week with Max.  I'm having a hard time with this.

I'm having a hard time because we'd talked about what we'd do and the plans we had and the things he'd arranged and I'd already thought about those things and attached them to certain dates at a time of year when I have a hard time with.... Christmassy family stuff.  So, for example, when people mention the full moon on the 25th, my brain goes, yeah, I know... Max and I would be together, maybe probably with snow, maybe in front of a warm fire after a day of looking at the scenery and taking photos and seeing that moon together, making happy plans about next time we'd get to see each other.  Or whatever thought my brain has.  It's hard. 

I realized talking with my counsellor that I never really got to mourn the loss of that love.  I never got to sit and cry it out, have someone hold me while I said how much I missed him.  Sure, I did some of that, but for the most part I was dealing with keeping myself going.  Getting through the shock.  Dealing with the other stuff that's going on in my life.  I distracted myself a lot.  Kept myself "ok".  I never cried for how sad I was over losing what we had and what I thought we'd have and losing this trip.  And all that I'd imagined it would be.  And feel like, and how it would be an interesting, and possibly wonderful experience for us to see each other outside of the Burning Man environment.  To travel together.  Real world stuff.  I think I kind of figured this trip would tell me a lot, for better or for worse about our possible future together.  Or if we weren't meant to be more than sort of friends who loved each other.  Now I'm sitting here, not on this trip... not with this person I shared such a love with, not seeing a new part of the world, not taking photographs of scenery I think I would love, not sharing laughs and conversation and intimacy with a person I really really like being around, not feeling connected and close with another human being and, I'm not away from family dynamics and the stress that comes with that over the Christmas holidays, and I've lost a thousand dollars in flights that I can not afford right now.  That's a lot.  A lot of upset and hurt and sadness and pain.

I try to find a balance of ignoring and distracting myself from thinking about it all, but I also recognize that that doesn't actually allow for healing or for moving forward.... but.... I have to keep somewhat ok.

Last night I was trying to stop thinking about how much it hurts that the days of me not going are almost here and I thought, well, if there's a positive to this... I'm not worried about packing.

So I ran with that thought for a while... a "the glass is half full" kind of thought, even if kind of a stretch.

I don't have to figure out what to pack on a winter trip to New Mexico.

I don't have to figure out how many layers of pants I will need, or hiking boots AND snow boots or is that overkill.  I don't have to worry that it won't all fit into my suitcase.  I don't have to wonder about bringing a tripod or not.  I don't have to worry about how long I had on my layover or if I had to change planes or not.  I don't have to worry about taking a taxi vs parking at the airport vs asking someone for a ride.  I don't have to get up at, like 3 Monday morning to get to the airport early enough for the flight.  I don't have to worry about ..... any of the travelling things.  I don't have to worry about it maybe being awkward to see Max after so long.  (I don't think it would have been but hey... throw that in there anyway)  I don't have to worry about it maybe being weird to be, say, in a store, or ooh, I just thought of this one, I don't have to worry about pooping.  Or washing my hair and drying it with a hotel blow drier because I didn't have room to pack mine because boots... and jackets and... so, yeah.  There.  I'm not worrying about packing at all.  Nope.  Don't have to stress about that.

I can sleep in my own bed all week and... yeah.  Not pack.

I'm trying....

Thursday, 17 December 2015

Day 2: Nine Things About Yourself

1.  I'm growing my hair long.  I'm not really sure why.  I don't really do much with it, I've never enjoyed styling my hair and it's often up anyway.  But yeah, I just keep growing it.  I don't even notice the length but when people haven't seen me in a while they mention it.

2.  I don't think I know how to ski.  Apparently I learned as a kid, but never went so forgot.  Tried to learn again as an adult once but found it quite frustrating.  I think I might enjoy it but I'm too concerned about the possibility of injury to really want to give it a try.  Plus it's expensive.  But it does look like fun.

3.  Sometimes it feels like just too much effort to go exercise outside for whatever reason, so I'll put my laptop on the kitchen counter and march on the spot for the length of a show.  I don't know if it's as good as actually walking, but I feel better having done at least something.

4.  I don't enjoy shopping.  Least of all, clothes shopping.  According to what society seems to think, this makes me weird as a woman.  I don't care.

5.  I do wish I was a stylish dresser though.  I see people who look cool in what they wear and I wish I had that skill.  People say you can learn it but again, just like with my hair, I don't think I care enough to try.  Plus, to be honest, the style "styling people" seem to like to put me in never feels comfortable to me.  I guess you could say I like the look that suits different body types than what I have or something.

6.  I talk a lot about how much I like chocolate, but I don't know that I really do in the way some people do.  I like certain chocolate bars, and certain types of chocolates but expensive chocolate?  Dark chocolate?  I don't really enjoy either.  I tend to eat the two or three types of chocolate bars that I like and that's about it. 

7.  I have a sort of spiritual side of myself that I don't talk about with very many people at all.  I have a couple of people that I've met in recent years that I can talk about it with but I tend to keep it to myself.  I think I expect to be judged, to be honest, I tend to judge people who hold similar beliefs as flaky so maybe I expect to be dealt with the same way. 

8.  I have no problem letting in, accepting, believing, agreeing with, getting upset by negative thoughts about myself, but I have a huge problem even looking at a positive thought about myself.  Compliment me?  I'll try to be gracious, but I'm not sure it'll sink in.  Criticize me in some way?  I'm all over that and I'll carry it for a long time because even if I can somehow believe you're wrong, it still hurts that you said it and that'll upset me and fuel the negative fire.

9. When I go to buy new shoes, I always have to look at the size I'm wearing.  I think I sometimes think they're bigger by a half size or more.  My feet are size 8.  (I'm pretty sure)

Wednesday, 16 December 2015

Day 1: Ten Things You Want to Say to Ten Different People Right Now

I found this series of ten writing prompts on someone's blog and figured what the heck, I could use a little prompting these days.

Now, this first one, quite honestly would be easier if I could say ten different things to one person as I have a lot I'd like to say to Max right now but ... well, anyway.  Ten things I want to say to ten different people right now.

1. Thank you.  Really.

2. I don't understand.  I just don't.  And the fact that you won't be thoughtful enough to even try to explain it to me just makes me understand even less.

3.  It's not your fault.  You're the best part of it all.

4.  You don't need to worry about me, I'm ok, and your ideas aren't working for me right now.  I'm not you.

5.  He's a huge jerk and I don't know how you can't see it.  Or maybe you just don't care?

6.  I wish you knew who I was really, but you don't seem interested and I wish you liked who I was because it makes me sad that you don't.

7.  I think you're everything that's wrong with (spy work) right now. 

8.   I'm sorry I can't afford to get you a more expensive gift, I hope what I have for you is enough.  But I also don't think gifts should matter and we give them too much emphasis, especially at this time of year.  It's too bad.

9.  I need to be held.  Lovingly.  And allowed to cry or sob or sleep or whatever it is. 

10.  Could you please please please find a way to make that taste just as good but be gluten free?


Tuesday, 15 December 2015

Huh

So I may pretend I never said this but yes, another realization to share with you.

A few times lately, I've looked in the mirror and gone huh, you're kind of pretty!  Or something nice like that.  Which is a bit of a surprise.  One, that I see it, and two, that I see it and say it.

Somehow this made me think of how having and using a laptop (Apple would like to point out that it's not a laptop at all, it's just a portable computer, thank you very much don't put it on your lap, the end) ends up making me feel a whole lot less attractive than I kind of actually am.  Let me explain.

When I use my laptop, it is generally on my lap.  Either reclining on the couch, or lying down on the couch.  And when I use it, I can almost always see a reflection in it.  And that reflection, especially if the screen is dark (ie. watching a show on Netflix with the black background) I can see myself.  My own face.  And neck.  And chin.  All of these at the worst possible angle.  Seriously.  And I'd never thought of it before!

If I spend a fair amount of time (and I sadly do, something I'd like to change) staring at this reflective surface of my laptop and seeing very unattractive reflections of myself, no wonder I don't think I look good.  I'm looking at the worst of me all the time!

I think this was a somewhat reassuring realization, that other than perhaps small children and pets, no one but me is seeing me from this unflattering angle as much as I'm seeing myself from it.

Seriously!  Bad laptop, bad!



 
The importance of angles

Monday, 14 December 2015

Don't Worry, This One's Not Dramatic

It seems this is a week(end) of figuring stuff out and having realizations because I think I just figured something else out that I'm not happy about... but needed to know.

My stomach has been pretty bad the last few weeks.

I've been putting it down to stress, because I'm not eating gluten and I haven't changed what I'm eating all that much, maybe just eating a little less well... a little less protein... a little less formally.  Not as healthy, but not terrible.

But I've been getting up and unable to tolerate breakfast.  Like, eating it and then feeling sick.  Or, if really bad, actually getting sick.  Or just feeling sick enough that I'm either having to lie down or take whatever meds might possibly help.  (Oh, and in a side note, the new flavour of Gavisgon is nasty... and just makes things work.)

So it's been upsetting, because I have had no idea what's causing it and if it's stress, why is it worse in the mornings after I've slept?  So I've been sort of avoiding breakfast and having just one meal a day and, well, that's not ideal.

I've been trying to figure it out, but also just going ahead and taking pepto at night and then hoping I can get something down for breakfast.

I started to wonder if I was having too much dairy (it was identified as something my body doesn't love but not something I need to strictly avoid so I have lactose free milk, for example, but regular cheese, and I do fine) but I didn't think that was necessarily it, but I did start cutting down on the cheese for a bit.

Last night I was feeling pretty upset about it.  Not being able to eat without pain or nausea is pretty miserable, and it's been a while since I've had more than just a day of ouch.  So sometimes when my stomach is bad I just say screw it and eat something that's at least tasty so that the pain is "worth it" or something.... so I went and got myself a few scoops of the ice cream I've been having (because it was on sale) and... oh.  Ice cream.

Something I generally don't eat.  But got the other week as a "I'm sad and want a treat" and then they had a sale on it last week so I got more and man it's such a tasty treat to have a little Cherry Garcia at the end of a stressful day....

Ice cream.

Dairy.

A lot more dairy.

Damn.

So I'm going to have to find someone who wants most of a tub of ice cream or else I'm going to eat it and I'm now pretty darn sure that's what's been making my stomach so unhappy.  Tests to follow this week.. hopefully I'll be all better soon.

If less ice-creamy.

Sigh.

Friday, 11 December 2015

Realization

I just realized something.  Something Max related that I think might go a ways to explaining some of why I'm having a hard time getting un-stuck from him and us.

I was noodling about on reddit (as one does) and someone posted a little movie they'd made in the Burning Man subreddit.  It was, a little differently, a scripted movie set at Burning Man rather than a "look what I saw" video of someone's time at Burning Man.  But anyway, that's not really the point.

The point is, I was watching this video, this mini movie filmed back in 2013, and remembering all the things I saw that first year and the two protagonists in the story were figuring out some life choice stuff and they were doing so with love and respect and that's when it hit me.

What's happened with Max hurts a lot because it goes against so much of what I believe in and it goes against everything we shared there, and beyond.  For me, Burning Man is a place where you are safe to express your most loving self.  I don't necessarily mean sexually, put that aside for a moment it's a whole other story, I just mean you can express love in all its forms and it is generally welcomed (with consent.)

So the people I know at Burning Man I love.  As friends or good people or wonderful strangers, or amazing artists, whatever it is, there's so much sharing of love.  I hug people, say hello, make eye contact, hug strangers in the most meaningful way and exchange genuine expressions of love and affection.  And when Max and I met, it was all that.  There was this deep, abiding love that went beyond a sexual attraction and that was very genuine and real.  It was gentle and kind and felt so good I was willing to deal with the difficulty of a long distance relationship to keep someone in my life who was able to express and share that kind of love.  Someone who was free and open with their love and affection and someone with whom I shared an understanding of the importance of love and gentleness.

Or, so I thought.

Because to me, it's one thing for this relationship not to have worked.  I can understand that... ish.  I can understand whatever sat wrong for him or whatever didn't feel right or the distance or WHATEVER.  But what I can't understand is not continuing to be a presence of love in each others' lives.

I know you need space when you break up with someone, but I also know you can remain friends.  Jason and I are proof of that... it may be a little odd, but it can work.  And so to have either no interaction with Max or the latest interaction from him that has been not loving, not thoughtful, not any of the things he was when we were together, it feels wrong.

Maybe it was watching the couple in the movie that drove it home.  In their narrative, they'd been together and weren't anymore but were still in each others' lives in a loving, kind way.  I don't see why Max wouldn't want that for us.... I guess is what I'm sitting here wondering.

He even said it himself, when things were starting to be difficult with the distance... "maybe we could just be friends who see each other once in a while."  Why can't we have that kind of a "relationship"?  Why can't we see each other next burn and be able to hug and sit together and talk and catch up and it be friendly and kind and loving without needing to be anything more than that?

But I suppose that's the difficulty when you don't know someone very well, and I didn't get to know Max for long enough to know him very well... I don't know what is going on in his mind right now or why he's being the way he is or what he's feeling if anything.

I just don't see why it has to be this way when all we ever had together was very kind and loving.  I don't understand why it's so different now.

To me, that makes no sense at all.  Which is part of what's making this extra extra hard.

It shouldn't be this way.  At all.  We were only ever love, Max and I.  That may sound cheezy but it's true.  Our relationship was all about love.... we both felt it.  It and us were nothing but love and love and more love.  It was amazing.  Where did his go?

Thursday, 10 December 2015

Ick, Gah!

I was tidying up my kitchen the other day, and even though it was still the middle of the afternoon, it was already dark enough that I could have turned on a light.  I didn't though, but now wish I had.

Because at one point, I put my finger on a speck of something to pick it up in order to flick it into the sink or something and when I lifted my finger, the speck flew away. 

GAH!

I immediately apologized to the little moth (no, actually I did, I yelled and then went "sorry, sorry!") and am hopeful I didn't... squish murder it or something but ugh, I did not like.

Clearly I shouldn't clean anymore, right?

Right.

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Shhhhhhhh

Since some of you shared some of your favourite carols/versions of holiday songs, here's one I found in the last few years that I think it quite lovely. 

Simple.


Low-Silent Night

Tuesday, 8 December 2015

Uh...

So some other stuff has gone on with Max, stuff that has me shocked every time he shows himself in a very different light than the person I met and knew.

I'm trying to let go, I am, but I feel stuck on what was and who he was and how that all felt and the very very good I experienced.  People can tell me to move on as many times as they want, I'm not there yet.  I still wish it had all worked out and I wish things were different and I wish we were still going away together.

I also wish I understood what he was thinking and that there was an indication that we could at least be friends at some point in the future.

Outside of that, my last week was a bit better than some of the previous.  I've had a photo I put into a competition that's been accepted into the semi-finals so that was a nice email to get.  I had another two people interested in buying some art prints.

I also accidentally found Max's new dating profiles when I tried to google search one of his photos to show my brother.

That one stung.

So did a few other things he's done in the last few days.

I'm sure I'll be ok at some point, doesn't mean it doesn't all hurt right now though.

I got into a low funk this weekend, felt really heavy and draggy and low.  Felt a little less so yesterday and am hoping today's will be better too.

Our weather has been being rather weathery lately, and I still really love how freshly washed sheets feel.

You know?

Monday, 7 December 2015

Wow

Jason and I headed out yesterday to do some shooting.  It was good to get out and get some fresh air and hopefully I got some shots out of it too... we'll see.

The thing that really blew my mind, however, was when we got to our second location and I looked out across the ocean and the sky was turning to sunset colours.

This blew my mind, because it was 3:30.  It was nearly the end of the light for the day and it was still the middle of the damn day!

Seriously.  I know it's dark early right now and will be for another month or so but this was the first time I really remember seeing just how short the daylight time is.  And to think, we don't even live in a place that has actual lack of daylight or whatnot, I can't imagine getting even less daylight than we do right now.  NO LIKEY.

Maybe we should move Victoria closer to the equator.  Yes?  Anyone?

Saturday, 5 December 2015

Breathe

One of the things I do like about this time of year is the music.

I think I've said it before but I like that there are songs that many of us know and can sing along to, and I like some of the spins people put on things.  I like the softness many of the songs talk about and I like the happy, upbeat jazzy feel of others.

So I thought I'd ask if any of you have a favourite song or two from this time of year that you'd like to share with me.  I'd be happy to add new favourites to my mental collection.

Any thoughts?

Friday, 4 December 2015

Man, Oh Man

I tell ya, whatever it is that's going on right now when it gets started?  It's brutal.

Like, right now, for me, there are things that I don't know how they are going to work out or when, and those things are concerning to me.

And as soon as I get that thought, or start to think hmm... I wonder when I'll hear about X and what if I don't hear about X by the time I need to and Y happens and I have to deal with that.... and then the thoughts just go.  They run.  And all of a sudden I'm dealing with panic.  Or what I think are the physical manifestations of panic.  And the only way I can really deal with this right now (seeing as there's often nothing I can do in that moment and even if there is I'm now no longer calm enough to do it) is to try to shut the thoughts down by saying I don't have to deal with them right now I'll deal with them another time.

And if I can get that in fast enough, and stop the panic from getting too far away from me, I can generally calm myself down enough to... function.  Not to feel good, but to cope.

But I have to also ignore the part of me that says you still will have to deal with this, you know.  Ignoring it right now isn't making it go away, it's just making you not have to deal with freaking out about it right now.

Because if I pay attention to that thought, it just fuels the panic.

I guess this is how anxiety freezes people.  Because the thoughts cascade so quickly and overwhelm you with racing and twisting and spinning and your body goes into flight or fright with the adrenaline and the heart racing and the breathing shallow and sometimes the shaking and upset stomach (if you haven't caught the thoughts in time) that you can't do anything helpful because it's rushed up on you and now you are just trying to stay relatively "calm".

Or... at least that's how I feel.  You can't do anything but cope and try to calm yourself down and then the idea of doing something is way too much.  It sucks.

I write this because I had a thought start to run away with me just a few minutes ago.  A financial thought that I don't want to talk about because even just typing that starts to bring back the feelings and I don't want to go there.

I hope things will work out.  I'm trying to trust they will work out.  And I'm also trying to control the thoughts that want to run away with me by telling me I don't know and that's bad.  And all the ways it might not work out.

Anxiety sucks.  And I'm grateful that it's not a bigger part of my life and that it's something I'm dealing with and learning to put away before it becomes a bigger part of my life. 

But I tell you.  Worrying is one thing.  This anxiety crap is a whole other.  I do not like anything about it. At all.

The end.

Thursday, 3 December 2015

Nom, Nom, Nom, Groan

Let's see... what else is on my list of things to post about that I jotted down at some point this summer..... ahhhh yes... the food on the cruise.

I have been lucky enough to go on a holiday at an all-inclusive resort where the food is part of what you pay.  And I liked the food, generally buffet style and found I could always find something I could eat.  So I think this is about what I expected on the cruise we went on this August.

I asked my parents if they'd mind passing on to the cruise ... what do you call it, company?  To pass on to them that I can't eat gluten.  I'd read that they'd likely be able to work with that, one of the great things about celiac and gluten free becoming more well known and gluten free in general hitting the general public.

They handled it amazingly well.  Their menus all had gluten free options laid out and on top of that, my food was always checked over by my waiter.  (They followed us from dining place to dining place to ensure they knew what we liked and to be consistent with us.)  When we'd go for, say a sit down breakfast and give our room information, they'd know that one of us had a gluten free meal and would ask who it was.  They'd then, to my delight, ask if I wanted gluten free bread, or even one morning, donuts!  But that wasn't the only thing that I was pleasantly surprised by.

The food was delicious. 

It was beyond my expectations of "good buffet food" (although there was that too) and dove into the realm of the delicious.  And because I was on a cruise, quite possibly for the only time in my life, I decided I would try things I might not at an ordinary restaurant.  Like escargot!  And lobster (no, I'd never had it before, what?) And each dinner was four courses....appetizer, soup/salad, main, dessert and you could have more if you wanted, or, well, the meals all sounded so interesting I could hardly say no.

But a few days in, I started to feel... well, over-fed.  I started to have less at breakfast.  Or maybe just a snack around lunch.  But my stomach still wasn't thrilled with all the rich, delicious food.  It was a lot.  And it was a lot sort of all of a sudden.  I don't eat that much, and often I don't eat that well and to go from that to four course meals and all?  Groo.

So I had to take it easy food wise, and even once I got home (and then subsequently headed back on the road) my stomach was... not thrilled.

Perhaps if you eat rich food like that all the time you get used to it, but I think for me, a meal out now and then is doable, but the vacation equivalent of fancy meals out several days in a row is a bit much.

But the food, I do have to say, was beyond what I'd expected.  Well done cruise chefs and such.  I have no idea how they do it.

Wednesday, 2 December 2015

The Noisy Ones

The counsellor I'm working with right now to help me through all this, has had me working on identifying the different "voices" I hear running through my head and seeing when they're talking or running things.

It makes me uncomfortable for a number of reasons, one being that we're warned about people who hear voices but I think if he was concerned for my mental health in a serious way we'd have talked about that by now.  Apparently this is normal and we all do this.  My voices that are currently running the show just aren't as helpful as I'd like I guess. 

Or that's the premise as I understand it.  Put simply.

Originally, I very easily identified two of the loudest, most persistent (and annoying and unhappy-making) voices as being one that was all about worry and anxiety and all is bad, and one that was all about you're doing this wrong and not good enough kind of feeling.  I started by giving them names and paying attention to when I noticed that those types of thoughts were taking over.  But a new one came to my attention this weekend and I hadn't realized just how insidious it is.

It's a story teller.

Now, that's not the same, I don't think as the part of me that tells stories here.  Or maybe the part that tells my life stories here is the positive part of that voice, but the part I mean is constantly running through my head what will happen.  And more than that, it's telling me what people will say, do and think.

I have conversations with people in my head where I think through what I'll say and how they'll respond and how I'll react to that and while this is happening I'm feeling it all.  Generally it's not good.  Generally the conversations I play out are upsetting in some way and then I'm upset.  Often that can spill into relationships, for example.  Like, I've run through a whole bunch of possible future scenarios of me seeing Max next Burning Man.  What would it be like if I camped with them.  How would it feel to see him.  Would I hug him?  What if I just waved hello and ignored him?  What might I say?  What was he saying to others?  What if he said this?  What if that.  What if I just went to visit their camp and stayed elsewhere.  What if I saw him.  What if I didn't want to see him.  What if no one else there wanted to see me.  What if I saw him with someone.  What if I was with someone.  What if we could kiss and make up?  Did I even want to? Do I trust him?  And on and on like this all the while it's feeling real.  It's feeling real emotionally and physically and I'm upset or stressed and then I go on a worry streak all because I've started seeing and talking through these stories in my mind.

I'll have a conversation with someone and think through all the ways it could be bad and I think I've always thought this helps me prepare or something.  But it feels now like I'm just upsetting myself.  Well, I mean, I know it's upsetting me, I just don't know that there's a positive to it.

So back to the whole "you have to identify and recognize it before you can change it" thing, I've felt really overwhelmed this past week or so "hearing" (recognizing/identifying) these different "voices" and trying to tell them to be quiet or to turn down their chatter or whatever.  It's a lot. 

And they all kind of talk over and on top of each other and meanwhile I don't even know what I, myself, think because I've been run by these voices' patterns for so long I don't know how much of my own voice I recognize.  Or hear.

Which means that I feel lost and frightened.

Those pushy, not positive thoughts in my head have at least gotten me this far in life.  Stable, safe, healthy, all that important, good stuff.  And... happy enough.

Which is the kicker. 

And maybe that's where my time with Max comes in.  Maybe the absolute happy I felt with him was so much more than "happy enough" that I came to really realize I didn't want to be just happy enough anymore.

Because like some of you have said, I have been changing.  I have been changing for a while, but I feel like there's been an extra push on that the last while.  Maybe instead of the frog slowly roasting to death in the water it didn't know had gotten hot maybe I've suddenly realized the pot I'm in is full of boiling hot water and I just have no idea how to get the hell out of it.

But yes.  Finding and listening to the voices in my head that have been running the show?  Is a lot of hard work.

I look forward to being on the other side of it.  Sooner, rather than later I hope.


Tuesday, 1 December 2015

FYI

Just so you know, the gash in my cheek is from gauging myself with my thumbnail when I pulled my blanket up cozier this morning.

Sigh.
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P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2016 and then some.) Kay? Kay.