Saturday, 30 January 2016

On Seeds And Things

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I told you about the bag of popcorn kernels that got upended when getting taken out of an upper shelf?  And how the kernels got everywhere?

Well, guess what the silliest part is?  I keep finding them?  Everywhere!  It's like kitchen glitter or confetti or something.  Like in my bedroom?  Really?  Come on!

Only very slightly (or not at all) related... I've been going to acupuncture to help with calming and feeling better and the other day she put these little seed things in my ear.  Ok, that sounded bad... she taped seeds to accupressure points on/in my ear.  (Not, like, IN my ear, but, you know, on the parts of the ear you can see...)  A friend of mine has had this done for years so it's something I'd seen before but never had done.  And ow!  Ow!  Little tiny seed!  Feels like a piercing (from what I can remember) so I really really hope it's doing what it's supposed to be doing because even my hair brushing up against my right ear is mega uncomfortable right now.

*whimper*

Apparently the owie is supposed to get better or lessen.  But I'm also supposed to "stimulate" it.  Ow.

Guess it's a good thing I generally fall asleep on the other side, eh?

Friday, 29 January 2016

Third Time Lucky

This is the third time I've returned to this page to start typing out this post.  I'm hoping that this time I get farther than the blank page and that I don't distract myself with something else on the internets and then come back to said blank page going "hmm... what was it I was planning on talking about anyway?"

End of January somehow.  Seems fast.  For me, anyway.  Likely because I've got a maybe idea on my mind that I've been looking into and talking about and it's been distracting me.  And stressing me, sure, but yeah.  And the days are starting to be longer!  I'm so loving that!  I noticed it the other day when it wasn't completely dark at 4:30.  Then the next day C-Dawg called and left a message saying the same thing.  "It's 5:05 pm and it's not totally dark!  YAY!"

Yay indeed.

I've also cut out sugar, candy and pop from my day to day for a little while here.  I wish I'd written down the day so I could say I haven't had X in Y amount of days but I don't know.  Started to watch a documentary about how much sugar is "hidden" in things and how many tablespoons the average Australian has per day (Australian documentary you see) and my brain just kind of went... dude.... you know you eat a crap ton of sugar because you eat sweets.  You pound down chocolate bars when you're feeling miserable and you love candy and... well... you also know it's not at all good for you and you're getting a lot of sugar in your "normal" food anyway.  Maybe... maybe not go and buy four chocolate bars because they're on sale and you know that eating them will make you feel a bit happier for a moment or two.

I'm not saying I'm going sugar free.  I wasn't about to turn down the gluten free cupcake my parents got me, for example (although I couldn't finish it!) But I'm no longer putting (read: pouring) it into my tea, and I'm trying to have my snacks (read: popcorn) with water instead of the pop I usually have with it and I haven't bought any candy or chocolate in a few days.. maybe weeks... and I'm hopefully retraining my brain that yes, I feel bad, I'd like SUGAR, but... no.  Not going to.  Fruit will taste sweet.  And then something else to fill your "hungry" feeling.  And I have some bubble gum flavoured gum and some more naturally sweetened cereal I'm having when I want something REAL BAD LIKE. 

I don't feel like I do well with absolutes with things right now, so I'm not going to say I don't "do" sugar anymore, but I'm paying attention.  Reducing.  Trying to change the habits and patterns that go with it (usually emotional or poor eating) It's not for weight loss (but I imagine that may be a side benefit) it's to help my body.  And, honestly, I suspect it'll help my moods.

I'm sure at some point I'll have myself a treat of some sort (I'm looking at you Cadbury's Creme Eggs) and I pretty much expect some kind of physical crash and am curious to see if there would be any emotional crash too.

I didn't get through the whole documentary (it got pulled from YouTube before I finished it.. I'll often pause a show and come back to it later or the next day) but the young guy was sugar free and decided to add the "national average" of sugar to his diet to see what all happened.  Other than the frightening physical changes, both he and his girlfriend noticed negative impacts on his mood.  Also... he was lethargic.  And wanting to nap all the time.

Le sigh.  Familiar much? 

But there you go... not something I was planning on talking about.  I haven't actually told anyone in my life (other than mentioning it to Jason) that I'm doing it because I'm not "doing" it, you know?

I just...

Yeah.  Pretend I never said anything maybe.  I gotta go chew some gum.

Thursday, 28 January 2016

Good News, Bad News

Well, you guys, I've just been informed that my computer has been attacked by a porn virus.

I know this because my computer started talking to me, or a voice did anyway so it must be my computer.  And then there was a warning screen too, with a number I should call or a button I should press or download or something.  (I'm afraid to say I didn't read the whole thing.) 

But it turns out that this porn virus isn't going to install porn for me to watch, it's going to steal my photos and information and infect my software and a few other things that were spoken to me in grammatically incorrect manner.

Disappointing, I know.

But hey, I guess if Siri can live on my phone (even though I turned her off) she can have a boyfriend who talks on my computer and warns me about getting attacked by porn virus.

Technology.

(By the way, it's a "serious hacking issue".... it told me so!)

Wednesday, 27 January 2016

More Please

I don't know if I can express to you just how much I love snuggling in after hitting the snooze button in the morning.

Most especially on a day where I know I don't have to get up for work, but even on a work day, I love "getting" to go back to sleep.

It's so cozy.  And my bed is, in those moments, the most comfortable place in the whole entire world and I know that nine more minutes of being asleep is going to be the best, most awesomest nine minutes of sleep I've maybe ever had, but certainly had that morning. 

Cozy.

Warm.

Sleepy.

No thinking.

Sleep.

Ahhhhhhhh.....

Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Really?

Went for a walk Sunday with a friend and because the weather was nice and we had a ton to talk about it ended up being about two and a half hours of walking.  Which was great and meant I had a super nice bath after because once I cooled down my body decided to hobble like I was 80.

And then I ended up doing the same thing today after work with a friend with a new baby and although we only walked for maybe an hour and a bit this time, by the time we were nearing my street, I was starting to have to walk funny.  Because I was getting a blister!  On the soft pad of my foot where it's like the base of your toes.  *whimper*

And then I got home and someone was like, hey, do you want to come meet me for a quick coffee?  And I almost asked them if they'd come pick me up even though it was a block away, but instead I threw on bandaids, my runners and exercise socks.

But really... ow!  It's one thing to get a blister on a toe or on a heel but on the actual part you have to walk on!  Nooooooooo.

Guess that's why sports socks are what they are and I suppose my regular normal socks and shoes aren't really all that awesome for longer walks.

But now I know, right?

Poor little feetses.


Monday, 25 January 2016

Sigh...

One of the (many?) big feeling things I'm working through right now is the (sometimes massive and sometimes overwhelming) worry/stress/anxiety I feel.  About... sometimes everything.  (Or at least it feels that way.)

I don't know that I differentiate in my mind between the levels of fear.  I don't like the term anxiety very much (it feels the opposite of empowering) and worry seems a little light and fluffy for some of the feelings that come with the fear but use whatever term works for you in my mind.  I don't know if it matters to me right now if I "have anxiety" or am an "over-thinker/worrier" or if I find doing things "stressful", it all feels the same in my body and tends to have the same result:  I feel horrible and will avoid or not do things.

And because it feels so horrible (like, actual, for real awful body sensations, the ones I dislike the most being stomach/digestive system based... you can fill in the blanks there) I want to not feel those physical sensations.  I don't want to feel any of it and then somehow those not good feelings seem to tell me that I'm going to feel like this forever.  Always. 

I imagine this is some sort of activation of the fight or flight response and my cave man body/brain is going "RUN FROM BAD THING OR DIE" so, you know, maybe in those moments it was really a matter of you might feel like this for the rest of your life because big teeth tiger kill you dead now bye.

So it's hard for me to think calmly when those feelings show up in my body because I find them quite overwhelming.  It's like my body is screaming at me to do something about this RIGHT NOW.  Fix the thing that is causing the bad.  And because most of the time (thankfully!) there is not an immediate threat to my being that I have to fight or flight (no spottings of sabre toothed tigers in the neighbourhood in a few million years, for example) it's because of thoughts... the "easiest" way to get away from that "bad thing" is to.... not do it, or just not engage in the thing.

Which then will often result in a sort of a low for me.  Maybe physiological again (post adrenaline fear crash or something a scientist would be able to talk about I'm sure) but also because I will often feel disappointed.  Let me come up with an example...

Let's say a friend asked if I'd like to meet them and some co-workers for a drink Friday night.  I'd feel afraid (the word I'm going with today.)  I'd worry about all sorts of details.  (Even just thinking about this imaginary scenario my body is starting to react in not nice feeling ways.) Would I drive or walk?  What would I wear, would it matter?  How would I feel around these people?  Can I really afford it?  What if I didn't want to stay?  Would it offend someone if I left early?  Would they even like me?  Would they all hate me?  And on and on and on and all of those little questions or thoughts or worries would make a reaction in my body that feels awful, and so knowing that if I say yes to this thing it would be a week's worth of feeling this way, I'd probably just say no.  (Or maybe I'd feel so awful and nervous about it Friday morning I'd cancel out)  And saying no would give me some relief.  Whew.... I don't have to worry about what to wear or say or how to get there or any of those things... whew.

But then later in the week I'd be disappointed.  Or, Friday after work, I'd go home and be comfy and cozy on my couch in my pjs and then think about how that's not really much of a life.  How that's not really living.  So then I'd have that low, which if I'm not careful and don't mind my thoughts can get very blue.

So not really a win.

There are, at times, middle grounds.  Like, telling my friend "yeah, maybe, I'll see how I feel Friday" and then maybe just last minute, hey I should go, and going.  Or like when my friend didn't tell me we were going on the gondolas to get wedding photos done at the top of the mountain until we were walking towards the gondolas because she knew I'd probably worry about it beforehand and work myself up.  I still got nervous (heights are not my thing) but it was only for a bit, not for days or weeks.

 So there's a lot of battling going on with myself right now.  Because I don't want to be held back by these feelings anymore.  But it's hard work.  And it's uncomfortable.  And I don't like it.  But I believe that there is an end to this.  That there is a point at which I'll come out of this tunnel.  That I'll deal with things differently.  Handle things with calm, confidence, pride; all the other words you can think of that are the opposite of fear/anxiety/worry, etc.

But it's like being on a really bad drug trip, while having to keep yourself together enough to defuse the bomb that's ticking away and about to blow you all up, when you're pretty sure it's real and not just your imagination while all this time really, you'd just like to lay down in a field of pretty flowers and butterflies and watch rainbows fill up the sky while maybe eating a chocolate bar and getting a shoulder rub in your pjs.

Friday, 22 January 2016

Woah.

I mentioned a bit ago that I've been doing more art recently.  And that I've been sharing it online under a pseudonym.

Well, yesterday, a European based photographer commented that he'd love to do a joint exhibition of our work some day.

Wow.

I have to tell you, I'm not even sure what to do with a compliment like that.

Who'da thunk it, eh?

Neat.

Updated to add: Oh, and I almost forgot (but just saw the email again as I was cleaning up my inbox.)  A photo of mine is going to be published in a magazine.  Haven't wrapped my brain around that, either.

Thursday, 21 January 2016

To Quote Whoever... "I Can't Even"

Oh you guys, I am so overwhelmed right now.

I don't say that to have you comfort me, I say that to just be frigging honest.

I am so utterly overwhelmed in what feels like every area of my life and I just want a break.  I just want to sit and be blissfully happy and loved and content and all those things and not have to think.  Not have to deal with anything.  Not have to make decisions or do things.  And it's not even a matter of "oh, you sound like to need a holiday, go take a nice vacation somewhere!" because even that would be overwhelming for a number of reasons.

I know, I understand this too shall pass but I hate feeling like this; it feels like forever.  That whole thing about just be in the moment is hard when the moment feels overwhelming and insurmountable and everything feels too much.

So I just wanted to say that.  I am feeling completely overwhelmed right now and wish it would all just go away and leave me be.

Too much. 

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

That Post Cry Exhaustion

Yesterday, I finished re-watching the tv series Six Feet Under.

I won't give away any spoilers for anyone who hasn't seen it and might still want to, but man oh man, those last few episodes.  And while I remember being absolutely gutted by the series finale the first time I watched it, I had the same experience last night when I got to that end of the show episode.

The show, in general, talks about death as it's based in a funeral home and the family that runs it.  It's not a depressing show exactly, for such a potentially heavy topic, but it does make you think and remember that we all die.

I generally stay away from popular topics here and on social media but there has been a lot of death in our public awareness these last few weeks.  And it's been hard.  And sad.  And interesting.

But I'm not intending to talk about mortality or anything, just to say how draining it is when you have that deep seated kind of a release from crying.  And I would say it's the sign of a good show... writing....acting...directing...all of it, to have that kind of an impact.

*Hugs self and snuggles a little more closely under the blanket*

Tuesday, 19 January 2016

Click...

When I first started this blog, I mentioned that I tended not to read blogs that didn't have photos.

I've moved a lot of my online time away from reading blogs entirely (although I have a few I've been reading "forever" that I check in on from time to time) but there's still something for me about a page of text that I tend to not be as interested in reading through.

It's likely not just me, much of our online media these days is intended to catch our quickly shifting attention span.  But I digress...

I wanted to make my blog have photos and so along with starting to write online, I also started to share my photos online.  Flickr had only been around for a couple of years but (at the time) it linked up with blogger and I liked a lot of the content I was seeing so I joined, took a deep breath and started uploading photos.

I made the decision to have something visual every second post so that the page would have something for people to look at regularly.  But now I'm running out of photos.

I stopped using this flickr account at some point a couple of years ago and now I'm having to hunt through my shots to find ones I haven't already used.  Which means they often don't have much, if anything to do with what I'm saying.  (Which they were always meant to.)  Like this post... and the photo of my knife cover.  (Why did I have a photo of my knife cover anyway?  Project 365.  When you commit to taking a photo a day for a year, you sometimes run out of both light and energy and... you just shoot something.... the end.)

So, yeah.  At some point, I will run out of unused photos from this account.  And then I'll have to make some sort of decision.  Maybe to recycle.  Maybe to go image-less.  I don't know.

Flickr says I have just under 2000 photos.  I don't always do a photo every second day, but close.  So that's somewhere around 4000 posts... in theory, before I run out.  Blogger says I'm closing in on 3000 posts.  So, mathematically speaking I may have a while, but still... I'm currently working with a finite resource.

Things I didn't know when I decided to share the babblings in my head.

Monday, 18 January 2016

A Child

If this blog was a human (wha?) it would be a small, or maybe not so small, I don't know these things anymore, child.  It would be an almost ten year old.  What is that... grade 5?  6?  My blog is a middle schooler?

Which somehow makes my brain slide sideways to the number of guys I've dated who had kids.  There have been more than a few, which I suppose happens once you hit a certain age.  Or something.  But there was one guy I didn't date, partly because I didn't quite get around to seeing him that way, but mainly because he had a daughter.  Who, I think, was five at the time and it was a huge deal to me.  (His relationship with his ex was also very difficult but I digress)  Now, I think about it and that little girl must be at least out of high school.  Maybe off living on her own.  What would that have been like, to have been with that guy and that girl all this time?  And maybe now it would be just the two of us and what would that be like?

My counsellor asked if I was a bit of an existentialist and I was at a loss for an answer.  I don't think of myself as prescribing to any particular school of thought.  I don't think I feel like I've ever dived fully into something enough to give myself a political or religious or philosophical label.

I don't want to start getting into musing about labels now either.  The one I've put on myself so clearly for the longest time is the one that's attached to my work.  The one that's almost old enough to start thinking about driving.  The one I don't talk about here because it's never seemed wise to talk about work but that is such a source of what's spinning my head around these days, which... hard to write.

I don't read through my archives as much as I might have thought I would, but when I do it's an.... interesting experience.  I read through my first year's trip to Burning Man, trying to remember how on earth Jay ever knew where to find where I was camped.  I still don't know, but re-reading through that brought back just how scared of the trip I was and just how terrified so much of the travelling down I was and that made me sad, because I'm still held down or held back by fear a lot.  And the way through that is, of course, scary. 

But as children do, this blog has grown.  I'd say grown up, but opinions may differ on that.  But it is not the same and probably will continue to grow as time goes on.  Changed, perhaps.  Which should be proof that people can change too.  Should change, really. 

Hopefully for the better.

Wednesday, 13 January 2016

Thirteenth

It's not that I don't want to post or blog or whatever it's just that I don't know how to talk about what's going on, or maybe I don't want to.  I don't know.

Jay showed up a couple of days ago.  And by "showed up" I mean he texted to say hi. 

I guess it's thrown me a bit just because I don't know how I feel about him.  Is he someone I'd want as a friend?  And, I suppose, there's the aspect of never being quite sure of the motivation of an ex getting back in touch.  Or something.  But it also makes me wonder why it is Max can't say hi.  Maybe he never will.  Maybe he will some day, I don't know, but still... If Jay can talk to me and Jason and I can still hang out and be friends... it's not like I'm some horrible person who must be avoided upon breakup.  Especially since I was never unkind to Max.  But anyway, not knowing what someone else is thinking but trying to figure it out is surely a way to drive yourself nuts.  So I'll stop.

I've been seeing a counsellor, for what it's worth.  Not about Max, although he did come up before Christmas in a raft of tears I didn't realize I'd been holding back.  Just about... where I'm at.  Why I don't want to be there anymore.  And all that. 

Been going for more regular acupuncture too...instead of just for sleep (been going for that for years) but to help calm my mind and stuff.

When Jay asked me how I was doing, once we got beyond the surface stuff I said I was having a hard time not having any concrete answers or knowings.  He asked, jokingly, if I had any play dough answers?  I said no, it was more like one of those weird jelly liquid things you had as a kid that would slip through your hands and you could never quite hold on to it because it would just keep slipping and slipping and slipping through itself.

Yeah.  That.  That's how my life feels right now.  And for someone who's used to and comfortable with concrete knowing and answers?  It's not really all that awesome feeling, let me tell you.

But, I'm healthy, I'm safe, I'm supported... for that, I'm grateful. 

And I continue to want to be able to talk about what's going on, but not really knowing how to do that.  It would probably help if I could.  And might lighten the load of listening Jason has had to do this last while.  We'll see.

Tuesday, 12 January 2016

Pfffft

I have popcorn now and then as a snack, and I keep the popper and the bag of corn.. kernels (?) in the otherwise unused cupboard above the stove area.

And last night, when I went to grab the bag, I'd somehow not sealed it properly when I last put it away and before I knew it, there were kernels of corn falling everywhere!

I got my little hand held vacuum thing and got most of them taken care of but all today I keep finding them!  Most amusingly, falling out of the hoodie I was wearing last night, go figure.

It's often in these moments that I'm happy that something like that doesn't upset me.  It's kind of like... meh... shrug... so they fell and I had to clean them up.  No biggie, all good.

I suppose in some ways it's just a matter of finding how to apply that to life's bigger things?

Is that when one gets one's halo?

Monday, 11 January 2016

Bop Back Doll?

We had another unexpected sunny weekend and I decided to go for a bike ride.  I don't love biking with traffic and such but if I don't at least try to get over that, I'll only ever bike when I'm down in the desert and that's kind of a shame as I quite like being on my bike.

I put on my winter running gear, figuring that if it was warm enough to run in when it was in the minus somethings, it'd be warm enough on a brisk day with some windchill.  And if not, well I could always come home and have a warm shower.

I knew my tires would need pumping since I hadn't been on my bike since Burning Man, so I brought down my tire gauge thing and my little hand pump.  The pump is annoying at best (I find) and so when the gauge told me I was at 10 and I figured I had to get to... well, WAAAY more than that I knew I was in for some sweating and frustration.

But I couldn't get the pump to connect properly and I gave up on the back tire after about five minutes of trying.  Did the same on the equally deflated front tire and gave up on that too.  Was giving up entirely, sweaty and frustrated when I saw someone in the building had a floor type pump with a note on it that said anyone was welcome to use it. Awesome!  That'd get the job done!  Here I come sunny bike ride and future fitness!!!

Except I couldn't get that pump to sit properly on the knob thing either and after blowing air uselessly around, I thought I could at least get the front tire done... but no.  Same thing.  Couldn't get it to seal properly and by this point I'd been down there for probably fifteen minutes, maybe twenty and I was hot and sweaty and frustrated.  Given up on being able to go for a ride.  Figured I'd have to go buy a new bike pump to make it all easier.  And then the pump wouldn't come off the front tire thing.  I pulled and pulled and got increasingly frustrated until PSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH..... I burst the entire front inner tube trying to get the pump off.

And that's when I started crying.

Those "I'm so frustrated this isn't fair" tears, right there in the middle of the bike locker of my building.  All I'd wanted to do was get some exercise.  I got all ready to go.  I tried to go.  I TRIED!  I felt like the universe was testing me somehow... like one of those punching dolls that just pop back up when you hit them.  And, well, as frustrated as I was, I was still going to get some damn exercise.  I'd put the clothes on for it, that wasn't going to waste.

So I cried for a while, took my stuff back up to my place, cried some more.  Sent some frustrated texts to Jason and C-Dawg and then went out for a walk.  Screw you bad things.  You can annoy me, but you can't stop me!

Ended up seeing a bald eagle, and someone swimming in the ocean (crazy!) and sat down at the water for a while.

I will have to get a new tube now, when I go get my new bike pump.  And I may try to change the tube myself, although I'm aware that might end up with frustrated tears again. 

But yeah, I just wanted to do something good for myself, but apparently that wasn't in the cards.

Sigh.  Better luck next time?

Friday, 8 January 2016

Um....

How do spam...people make their money?  Like, do people really click on "hi I'm a horny pretty girl and I want to meet you right now" and... pay money for ... I don't even?

I mean, I assume they're making money or they'd stop with the weird ads and emails and stuff.  Maybe I'm wrong?

Thursday, 7 January 2016

Inconvenient

Whatever it is I have to say or think I might want to say seems to run out of my head entirely when I sit down to type.  Which... is inconvenient at best.... sigh.

Someone who clearly doesn't know that C-Dawg and I are friends tried to tell her a rumour about me yesterday.  Or, I suppose not a rumour so much as information that isn't true.  And C-Dawg just looked at her and said oh really?  Funny, you'd think I'd know that as I'm her best friend...

Weird how that works.

I know it's sort of addictive to talk about people.  Especially when they're not there.  To have news and to be able to share it is a form of power in a way I guess.  But being on the receiving end (no, it wasn't anything nasty or mean, just... false) it makes me scratch my head.  Because someone had to have started that.  Did they take it from something I said?  Something I intimated?  Did they say "I wonder if" and someone took that as "here's a truth"?

I would like to be bothered less by what people think or say about me.

Which probably means I have to think more about myself to begin with.  Not more as in volume, but more as in positively, self..worthily.

Huh, go figure, my brain found something to talk about after all.


Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Nope

I often scratch my head when people, especially Americans, refer to Canada as this place that's constantly covered in snow.

I mean, sure, I know it's a silly/funny stereotype, but as I'm watching people share their shots of skiing and snow days while I sit here WISHING we'd get a flake or two, I wonder where that stereotype came from.  I'm sure there are tons of places in the states that get far more snow, or just as much snow as parts of Canada.  Is it maybe that there are those Southern states that never really get snow at all?  (I'm looking at you, Florida...but hey, even there I could be wrong, what do I know?)

Anyway... I think this came up because the weather forecast has been saying ooooh maybe snow/rain for a couple of weeks now, but nope.  Nada.  Just the wet stuff.

Which, I know is fine but I'm a little jealous of all the people with all their snow... from up here in this "great white North".... or... not.

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

More Sobbing!

In what is an unexpected turn of events, I'm finding that these days, if I cry because of something or to someone or about something, I feel better after.  A lot better.

Which doesn't really explain why I don't just find reasons or excuses to cry.  Well, I guess it's because it's not fun or enjoyable.  But it's also tiring.  So, yeah.

Just... I guess it's letting go of stuff rather than keeping it in or something.

I don't know, I'm just finding something to say, you know?

Monday, 4 January 2016

Morning

Well, here we are in 2016.  Go figure.

I feel like I kept waiting for 2015 to get going. 

You know how some books read like that?  Like, you're waiting for the introduction to be over so you can get into the meaty part of the story?  Yeah, well I feel like I kept thinking I'd get used to the fact that it was 2015.  And then I never did.  The year always seemed new to me.  Like it had just started. 

Perhaps there's a Grandma somewhere reading this and chuckling... "yes, dear, that's how it feels as you get older..." but I don't know.  It was such a round sounding year.  That five always had a certain softness to it.

2016 looks sharper.  Crisper.  More of a snap to it, we'll see. 

I didn't mind 2015, not at all.  The people I've confided in the last few months will probably go on to tell me it was the hardest year I've had in a long time, if not ever, but just like women who say the pain of childbirth fades over time, I liked this year.  It feels happy to me.

I've said it before but I don't make New Years resolutions anymore.  Yes, I've done things like the 365 Project before but I find I'm much happier and much more likely to succeed if I just use the first of the year as a reminder of how I want to continue to set my intentions.  I find there's too much pressure if I tell myself I'll never do X again, or I'll do Y every day or whatever those goals are that are meant to be started on January first.  It just makes me feel pressured.  Which is never fun.  I don't want to be motivated by pressure or "ugh".  And I don't want to have to wait for a certain day to start doing something.  So I'm reminding myself of the things I've found work for me over the last few days or weeks or months or years.  And I'm not being hard on myself.  Which is different in an important way from going easy on myself.  Although that's also slightly different from being gentle with myself.  Delicate, slight differences....

Still so much going on here, but those things don't stop for holidays or calendar days.  I hit a very difficult patch post Christmas.  I can string together some theories on why, but really, what matters is that I don't feel that way anymore and I'm so glad for that.  Thank goodness for a week of sunny (if cold) weather.  And thank goodness I had the idea to wrap up warm and walk to a couple of appointments because those short walks in the sun helped lift my mood a great deal and that made such a huge difference.

Sadness (or depression or the winter blues or being low or whatever name you want to use) is hard because it drains you of the very energy you need to do the things that may help lift you out of it.  And even if you know you're in a stuck cycle, it can all just feel like too much, or something you'll get to "when you can." 

A few things running through my head right now, including the seemingly random but not actually random idea of considering a teardrop camper (trailer)  Which... I've never actually been in one but damn if they don't look awesome. 

I hope you had a good holiday season and that this new year is going to be a wonderful one for you, full of health, happiness and love.

Happy Monday.  Talk soon.
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P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2016 and then some.) Kay? Kay.