Saturday, 30 April 2016

Oh Dear

No, no, sorry my friend, that wasn't our deal.

Woke up this morning, and it's been a little chilly lately, so I went to my couch, got comfy and pulled up my blanket.

Kept thinking I saw something out of the corner of my eye, but was distracted by interwebs so didn't think much of it.... couldn't really see anything.  Until I did.

Until the moment I took a closer look and found my spider friend that I'd let stay in my apartment.

No, I said, no, that was not the deal, sorry, and I lifted the blanket (exactly spider coloured by the way) and escorted him out the window.

I feel kind of bad, but, well, blankets are far too close and far from the "here's the wall area you can be on"

I mean, maybe he wasn't getting any food in my place and was wandering to try to find some and he'll have better luck outside, but still.  Sorry little guy, I tried, and you got a few weeks of hanging out, but I just... no.

Gah.

No.

Friday, 29 April 2016

Re

I finished up the last of my "books in storage waiting to be read" books the other week and found myself left with autobiographies I'd been given.

I try to read them, I do... those and other "smart type" books, but they just don't work for me when I'm in bed, wanting to dive into a story and relax.

I also didn't want to spend (even more!) money on buying new books, and I'm not even sure what I'd want to try, and I didn't feel like going to the library, so I wandered over to my bookshelf and decided to pull out and re-read a book.  Or maybe a few, I don't know yet.

But I'm starting by re-reading Wizard's First Rule by Terry Goodkind.  It's a series I've read before (duh, thanks, you already explained that!) and I'm not entirely sure I haven't already re-read the book, but that's ok.  It's a funny one because the opening chapter sticks with me and I find myself wondering what book it is that opens with that scene.  And then I started reading it again and went oh, right, it's this one.

There's always a certain sadness to re-reading a book because you know, usually, some of the major plot points.  Like, the fact that this book has multiple sequels reminds me that the main character isn't going to die any time soon.  I forget about some of the semi-main characters but have a fairly good idea of what happens there too.  But it's still nice to be back in a story that's comfortable.

So, yeah.  There may be some repeating books showing up in the little "books I'm reading" side... thing there.  At I know, at least, that if I've kept a book, it means I enjoyed it enough and it shouldn't leave me wanting to throw it across the room with boredom.

Thursday, 28 April 2016

Difficult

I don't even know the term to use anymore because I feel like it's going to offend someone, or upset someone, or be wrong.  But.... street people. 

In my neighbourhood, there are people, some of them street people (or homeless, or transient or down on their luck or - fill in the blank-) who will come to our recycling area to find returnables.  So I'm used to hearing some noise from back there as they search through the bins (although most of us tend to leave our returnables out of the bins for this very reason)

I'm also used to some yelling in my neighbourhood.  In fact, it was some of that yelling that actually started me off on this whole blogging thing nearly ten years ago... so I'm used to it.

And I also have a fairly good sense of what's "normal" for yelling or disturbance in the area vs what's a bit less ok.

Which leads me to an early evening a week or so ago.

It was somewhere around dinner time when a gentleman started yelling in our back parking lot area (where the bins are.)  He was pretty upset, and angry, about certain things that had been stolen from him by certain people and he didn't do the usual of stop, search, rant, move on.

He just kept shouting and yelling.

I didn't know what to do.

You know how sometimes you get that feeling of just being uncomfortable and you maybe don't have all that good of a reason for feeling that way but you just do?  Well, that's where I was.

It was about ten minutes of this man's shouting before I glanced out to see if I could see if maybe he was across the street or something, but he was still there, and when I looked again later appeared to be lying down.

Unless that was someone else. 

I looked out again at which point he started yelling something about "your car" and I figured I could either keep listening and worrying about him and his situation and feeling uncomfortable for myself and the whole thing or I could call someone.

So I called the non emergency line.

I felt pretty stupid because I didn't really know what to say other than there's someone here who is really angry and he's been here a while. 

They asked for a description, which I couldn't give, because I wasn't wearing my glasses, and as I was talking to them I didn't hear him any longer and ended up telling them that he seemed to have left.

They asked me which direction he went and I said that I didn't know. 

I felt like I was wasting their time.

An officer came by about a half an hour later and called me to let me know he didn't see anyone and did I know where the fellow had gone and I had to say that no, sorry I didn't, and that he'd been gone at least half an hour or more and I apologized for wasting their time.

The officer said that it was no trouble at all and when I texted my police officer friend later she said that I did the right thing and that that's what police are there for... to help.

There is a homeless shelter (housing?) not too far from where I walk and I stopped by and asked them what they recommend I should or could have done in the situation, and I felt better when they told me I'd done the right thing - to call the non emergency police or ambulance and let them know there was someone who might need help.  They also said that there are people in our homeless community with no mental health issues but who get police called on them all the time and are confused as to why, so he may just have been an angry, loud person, not someone in distress or in a bad situation.

But still... I feel badly. 

He wasn't doing anything wrong per say, and I wasn't in any immediate danger, and I feel like I maybe wasted resources and time "just" because I felt uncomfortable.

To be fair to myself, I was also not entirely sure the man was ok, but it's not an easy situation to be in.  Because it's a judgement call on a situation I do not understand and about a person I do not know.

Would I have done the same were it drunken teenagers or something?  I don't know.  Were my actions clouded by my perception of the homeless and addicted and the somewhat common and unfortunate combination of the two?  I don't know.  Should I have just ignored it all and not felt uncomfortable?  I don't know.  Should I have called earlier? What would that have felt like for him?  I don't know.

There likely is no right answer.  There are likely many different opinions.  I just know I was uncomfortable and didn't feel safe with the situation but I didn't feel all that much better that I called (non) emergency services on a fellow human being.

Bah.

Not fun.  That's all I know for sure.


Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Oh Dear...

Now, I know it's not particularly healthy of me, but I've taken to having a small bag (or two) of these lovely salt and pepper chips around.

I'll nibble on a few throughout the day (well, really just afternoons and evenings on the week days but you know what I mean) and go through a small bag every few days.  Or so.

At some point this weekend, I opened a bag and had a few chips, and then a few hours later (or whatever, I don't really know the exact timeline, I'm just making it up, pretend not to notice ok?  Could have been a few hours, or half of one... whatever!) I went back to have a couple more and I couldn't find the bag.

It wasn't in the cupboard where they always are.  ("Treats and crackers and protein bars and cereal" cupboard.  You have one too, right?)  Hmmm...

They weren't in the fridge.  (I thought maybe I'd been distracted and somehow put them away in there by mistake like the times you go to put the cereal away in the fridge instead of the milk or something like that.)  They weren't in the other cupboards either.  I checked them all.  Even the ones that didn't make any sense because I could tell that I'd somehow misplaced them and so.... who knew.

I even, slightly horrified, check the bathroom in case I'd wandered in there with them.  (I never take food into the bathroom, but you know that feeling of "I spaced out, clearly" means you may have done unusual things) Nope.  Bedroom?  Nope.  By the couch?  Nope. 

I even checked the garbage can in case I'd finished the bag and just forgotten, but no, no empty bag in the bin either.

What had happened to that bag of chips? 

I had no idea, but I still wanted some, so I went and opened another bag.

And it was when I opened the drawer to pull out a bag clip that I found the first, un-finished, but clipped bag of chips.

Yes, I'd been distracted, clearly, and it seems that instead of putting the bag back into the cupboard once I got the bag clip out, I put it back into the drawer I'd gotten the bag clip out of in the first place.

I felt a little bit better that an entire small bag of chips hadn't been carried off by aliens or something but then a little weirded out by my brain falling asleep on me.

Plus then I had two opened bags of chips.

I should really just probably stop buying them is all.

Tuesday, 26 April 2016

Suspension

When I was five, our family went to Disneyland.

I have lots of little memories from the trip, including the terrifying moment I thought I was forever locked in the bus bathroom (I have issues with bathroom locks!) and how real and frightening the shark was in the ride in the place we took the bus ride to (Universal Studios?) (spoiler, it wasn't real, but I didn't know that at the time)

There's this wonderful photo of me, meeting a Disney princess and my five year old eyes are as big as saucers because it was actually her.  For reals.  (see shark, above)

My Mom was reminding me of this, via the photo my Dad took of the meeting, and it got me thinking... in my mind, that princess is the same age. 

But in reality... the person who *was* that princess when I was five... is no longer that age.  She has aged. 

And then my brain exploded.

Because suspension of disbelief is way more fun, mkay?  Thanks.

Monday, 25 April 2016

Well, That's... Ohhhh...

Hi, here's a crow.

Ok, now that we've cleared that up, wanna hear my "oh, I feel a little dumb now" moment?  Of course you do!

And if you don't, well you can always go read through the archives, I won't notice, or mind, you do what you need to do friend.

So Brita (water filtration company/system) changed their filters a while ago.  Took me ages to put in a new one because, well, you don't replace them all that often and I usually buy them in four packs.

But the other day I did finally replace my filter with the new, fancy, redesigned one and noticed how much faster it filtered water.

Like, quite a bit faster.

Huh. 

I wondered what they'd done to the filter to make it that much more efficient.  It was almost fast enough that it was as if the water was....

And that (the third or fourth time I'd refilled it and noticed the speed of filtering) is when I decided to check if maybe, just maybe it was filtering so quickly because I'd maybe, possibly not actually seated it properly in the jug?

Yeah.  That.

Whoops!

So, yes, the new design of the Brita filters seems quicker than the old ones but not as quickly as when you put the filter in a little bit wrong and the water just sneaks through the hole it finds and doesn't actually get filtered at all.

Fast.  Just not ultra fast.

Whoops.

Friday, 22 April 2016

Hobble, Hobble

Last week or so I twinged one of my calves.

"Twinged" meaning, I walked, it got a little sore, I walked down stairs the next day and it went TWING!  And I went OW!

I took it easy, just gentle walking the next day and ice/heat but then both of my calves got really really tight and sore.

I couldn't figure out why... I hadn't done anything particularly strenuous or calf-working, they were just so tight!

I was actually hobbling around for a good number of days there, they were that sore.

Oh, and wearing legwarmers.  Seriously.  I figured I'd injured them somehow and they needed the love.  Plus, they felt a little less awful with the legwarmers on.  (Took them off in public though!)

But, yeah, really really sore calves.

I had a massage appointment and when I mentioned I was NOT looking forward to him working on my calves (I was cringing at the thought of how much it was going to hurt) he asked me how much water I'd been drinking.

"Enough?" I said, timidly.

He shook his head.

And sure enough, be it the massage, or time, or me upping my water intake (it's maybe a little bit of some and a lot of the other) my calves are so much better.

But who knew?  I mean really. I figured I had some kind of mechanical issue going on, even though that made no sense to me in terms of activity and it might just have been me not getting enough water.

It's a good thing to remember anyway.  Especially if it means no more hobbling around!

Thursday, 21 April 2016

Yeah, But Little Buddy, We Had A Deal

Usually when I see a spider in my place I gently escort them out.  No killing, just... me trying not to get too close while trying not to hurt them while getting them outside.

Either out a window (hope the fall doesn't hurt!) or out the door into the hallway to become someone else's problem.

Point is, I don't let spiders hang out in my place.  Yes, I know they're good guys but ... *shiver*

Well, for some reason, the other week, I saw a spider on my ceiling and decided he could stay.

"You can stay, little buddy," I said, "but just stay in that spot, ok?"

And for a while he was pretty good.

But now he's started adventuring a bit and I don't know what to do!!  I don't want to have to watch to see if he's going to jump on my head or wander into another room.

I also have no idea how long spiders die, or really, what I'll do if/when I find he has.

But yeah, my spider guest is wandering around a bit more than I'd like.

It's maybe giving me the heeby jeebies just a little.

Wednesday, 20 April 2016

More Questions For You

Ok, gender specific annoyances?

Like, whenever I throw up (and someone sees because it's at work, or I tell them or whatever) someone will inevitably ask if I'm pregnant.

No.  I just threw up.  And now I'm mad. 

Maybe if I'd thrown up day after day after day ask, but come on.  Female + throwing up does not automatically equal pregnant. 

Tuesday, 19 April 2016

Crickets...

Nothing I'm doing is interesting me right now.

Not my art, not anything I shoot, not writing, nothing.

I do it, and it just kind of sits there and I go.... meh.

I try not to get stuck on letting myself wallow in negativity about it (telling myself it's bad or whatever) but it still... I'm just not that interested.

Jason tells me that's just a slump, that all artists get it and that I should know this. 

Meh.  It just feels blah, no matter what it is.

And yes, I'm "making art" (painting mostly) every day instead of shooting every day, and when I did the 365 projects there were times when the photos were just photos.... place holders, but I kept going anyway and I'm doing that here too.  But as with the photos, I wonder if that's all that productive.

I don't want to stop or take a break because I worry that I'd not start up again.

And maybe if I slowed down somewhat or spent a little less time zoning out (cutting myself slack, zoning out in a I need to shut my brain down and not think with some tv kind of thing) or whatever, I don't know.

But yeah.  Not creatively inspired, or particularly proud of what I'm doing right now.

Shrug.

Monday, 18 April 2016

Woah, Dude

I never really know with my brain, you know?  But last night, there was an issue with my pillow.

I woke up (probably should say "woke up" because I wouldn't say I was awake awake, but I was somewhat awake and awake enough to remember it now) and my pillow was too hot.

Like, hot to the touch too hot so I reached around to turn off the heating.  Because it was a heated pillow, you see.  (According to my brain.)

So, still half asleep, I could feel with my hand (and my head presumably) that my pillow was too hot (I have no idea if it was actually warm.... could have been I suppose?  Did I have a fever?  I dunno!) so I tried to turn it off.  Reached through the pillowcase opening and unzipped the inner liner and felt around for the switch. 

I remember being slightly irritated that the switch wasn't there because that's where the switch was, I was pretty sure, but I was also too tired/sleepy to wake up any further to find the actual off switch so I decided to just leave it (I don't know, maybe there was part of my brain that said uh, yeah, you don't have a heated pillow you know) and zip things back up and roll over to the other pillow, which clearly wasn't a heated pillow.

So yeah.  My pillow got too hot.  Pretty sure it actually was warm?  I tried to turn it off.  Because heated.

Sigh.

My brain.  I tells ya.

Friday, 15 April 2016

Ahhhhhh, Apartment Living...

I have my windows open pretty much year round as I like fresh air (especially in my bedroom) but for the rest of my neighbours, this is the time of year when windows start to be opened.  And sound carries.

Which means I've spent a lot of this week listening to beeping.

Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  (pause)  Beep.  Beep.  Beep.  (repeat)

I don't know what it is or why it's happening but it's driving me bonkers.  It's the kind of beep like someone's smoke alarm has run out of batteries or something loud and "warning"-like and electronic.

And sometimes it's in the evening, not just the afternoon.  Or a Saturday morning.  And I can't figure out what the heck is making it happen but once I notice it I need it to stop because GAH!  GET OUT OF MY BRAIN BEEP!

Or parties, social gatherings, I hear them too.

And tv shows sometimes.

Or, somewhat awkwardly, when I couldn't sleep the other night, someone's "happily enjoying adult time" noises echoing off of the surrounding building... or something.

So, yeah, it's that time of year when windows get opened and we all get to hear each other for better or worse.

Beep.

Thursday, 14 April 2016

So, Tell Me...

Do you have some kind of "frowned upon by ... people" thing that you like/enjoy/believe in despite  potential mockery or lack of support?

Like, are you a LARPer (but don't tell your friends because they'd tease you?)  Or do you follow your horoscope daily and avoid whatever it is they tell you to (even though people scoff at horoscopes.)  Or carry a lucky object or something?  Spin three times to the left when your favourite team is about to play?

Or maybe you really do like the wings at Hooters?  I don't know.... anything?

Wednesday, 13 April 2016

Hi

Don't feel like I have much to say at the moment.  Or much that I want to say, maybe. 

I jotted down a couple of notes of things to talk about but they feel like I'd be whiny if I talked about them today, so I'm not going to.

I've had a few instances this last week or so where I stop and think about just how weird humans are.

I mean, really.  Pick a spot in a grocery store, for example, and ask yourself honestly, why we need so many different variations of the same thing.

And what it means that we have that.  And all that goes into the creation of all those varieties of thing.  Good and bad. 

It's so weird.

Not to mention how we interact with each other.  And ourselves.

I mean, do you really think there's a dolphin out there berating himself for doing something "wrong"?  Or an ant wishing he was handsomer?

I don't know.  We're just weird.  In so many ways.

I can't even.

Tuesday, 12 April 2016

What's The Dealio?

Allergy sufferers, help me out here...

I'm wondering if I'm having seasonal allergies this year or just... something else.

Like, for example, the other day I was walking across a park field and it felt like I got sand in my eyes.  I had to close and rub them to get them... I don't know, damp?  And feel a little better.  And then it happened again later... felt like someone kicked dust into my eyes.  Do allergies do that?

I've been told that for many people it feels like a sinus infection or cold and I suppose I'm sniffly (not really enough to notice though) but the dust-in-eyes thing... is that... something?

Or just dry eyes...?

Monday, 11 April 2016

Yay!

I saved a bee!  (No, not that bee but isn't he cute?)

I did, I saved a bee!  And I'm pretty happy about it.

Friday evening, I noticed a bee sitting on my bug screen.  I figured he was tired (as they don't usually stay still in that way for that long) or maybe unwell but figured he'd be gone in the morning.

But he wasn't.  And I felt pretty guilty as I'd put out some sugar water mixed with a natural ant poison (because, yes, the ants are still vaguely around...sigh) and I was really upset that I might have attracted the bee with the sugar water and then potentially killed him with the poison.  (I maybe got a little weepy over this thought.)  I tapped the bug screen to see if he was alive as sometimes animals can get kind of stuck when they die (by animals, I mean flying bug type things I suppose... very very small animals!) and he moved a little so I knew he was still with me, if in not very good shape.

So I went and got some honey and watered it down a bit in a spoon and held it up to the screen.  I didn't want to tip the honey water all over him so I kind of did my best to get it near him and then poured it carefully so it dripped into the screen near him.  And I pushed it gently towards his proboscis (tongue thing) and I waited...

And before too long it was as if he could smell it and he moved himself a little and started to drink (eat, taste, ingest, I don't know!) 

I was going out for brunch that morning (and would have made myself late if he hadn't started to eat [I was planning on moving him carefully and leaving him a puddle of honey water if he didn't get to it himself, but didn't want to touch him if I didn't have to]) and left him hopefully recovering (I was still worried the poison would be too much for him, damn ants.)

And man oh man was I happy to get home and see him gone!  Flown away!  Hopefully fully recovered and maybe just tired in the first place.  (Maybe he didn't get into the bad stuff and had just landed there to rest)

So yeah.  I saved a bee, because they really really need it, and because I might have accidentally hurt this one, and because, well it's the right thing to do for our little bee buddies.

Fly on little friend, fly on and pollinate away!

Saturday, 9 April 2016

Addiction-esque

So sugar again.

I was pretty much completely off if it for a while there and that was great, if difficult.  And then I relaxed somewhat and had a cookie here or a chocolate bar there and while it never really got all that bad, it didn't feel all that good either.

I had my "post ticket sale" Cadbury's creme egg (un-necessary as my attempt to bribe the universe by not eating them didn't work this year... oh well.)  and it was just as gross as I thought it would be. 

But I had some more.

Not as many as in previous years, somewhere around ten total... ish?  But even though I didn't enjoy them, I'm now craving them.

And chocolate.

And more.

As in, I've had to resist going to the store to buy more.  Lots.

And I keep telling myself that ... whatever.  I'll just go have some today but that THAT will be the last day, and then I'll go back on my sugar limitation thing.  But even when I say that I know that just extends things by another day because then it'll be well, hey, today wasn't fun, I need a pick me up, I'll just go get some more chocolate/eggs today and then I'll start on the sugar thing tomorrow.  And so on....

So I'm going through that not so fun stage again where I just.  want. sugar.  ALL OF IT.  And I don't care.

And eating in general is kind of sucky right now (maybe turning out that dairy hates me too.....even though I don't test out as lactose intolerant) and my body has a taste again of how nice a little sweet treat would taste, or maybe it's my mind that has that.... hard to tell.

So I'm going through the CRAVING IT ALL stage again right now and not loving it.


Friday, 8 April 2016

Frustration

I've been going through (and am hoping to be on the tail end of) a frustrating time with my art and photography.

I wonder if I should say "another" frustrating time as there's a part of me that remembers feeling like this before and thinks that maybe this happens before there's a push forward or period of growth or improvement.

But I've been feeling like I haven't put out anything good in a while.  Not artistically, or photographically, or even writing or poetry wise.  With the writing I just don't feel inspired, with the art I just feel like it's all ugly (maybe rushed?) and photographically, it's just not interesting or technically good enough.

With the writing, I'm just letting the poetry go until it wants to come back (inspiration) and I'm making myself keep writing here to ... keep writing.  With the art I'm also trying to let it go and not force anything (other than doing some art every day... because... I want to I guess?  And now that I've started it's a "thing"... but I think it's a good one?) And am trying not to be too hard on myself, but I'm also not sharing every thing I do.  Perhaps that's pride.  Or just realism.  I know what I like, and I know what I've made lately hasn't been ... strong.  And with the photography... well, I talked with Jason about maybe getting a new camera but he asked me some pointed questions about the camera I'm using, double checked it out himself and said, well, quite honestly, learn to use the tool you have before you go buying a new one.

So I'm re-re-re-learning the hows and whys and I think it's starting to make more sense again now (back on manual mode) and just means more thinking.

Which has been a theme with my art too... the need to slow down... not just rushtogetsomethingdonebecauseart.

Were I critiquing my art right now I would say it is immature.  Lacking maturity.  Which can also translate to rushed.  Not thought out.  Easily done when you're claiming "abstract".

With the writing and the art, and the photography to a certain extent, sometimes it's just not there ("there" being somewhere in my head) and I'm trying to teach myself not to get frustrated or critical and then to also see when there's good.

It's so weird though, being both a judge and a cheerleader of your own self.

Balance.... always always with the balance.  And the not black and white.

Same lessons, different story.  Or something, eh?

Thursday, 7 April 2016

Just A Thought

When Jay texted the other day and my brain got all swirly with thoughts, I ended up thinking about Max.  (Honestly, I think about him off and on, but less and less I suppose...still, not at a neutral or happy place yet, if I ever will be...)

The thought that came into my head as one of those "oh, where did that come from?" brain thoughts was that Max and Jay are similar in their immaturity and (unrealistic) expectations and (overly) high self image.  But after that, my brain said, well, they were similar but it was like Max was the grown up Jay.

Which surprised me... that I'd seen or noticed similarities between the two.  But, yes, Max was more mature than Jay, even if it turns out that Jay has been a more decent "friend" in the long run. 

Which lead to my next thought that maybe the next person I date could be a grown up version of Jason.  Which is kind of an awesome thought. 

Even if it only makes sense to me.

(Not that I want to date.  But at least I can start to imagine that I might at some point in the future maybe.  Maybe.)

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

Lightening

It would seem normalish if at this point I started to praise daylight savings time and the recent time change, but you know what?  As much as I am enjoying the longer days, I still don't feel it's worth the pain of the time change shift.

Like last night, I was lying on my couch around 8:15 or so listening to the robins chirp away and seeing the twilight light still alive.  And my thought was that it would be just as nice for it to be 7:15, and we wouldn't have had to go through that jarring hour's shift.

So while my body seems to be more used to the new times, I still don't see that they're all that awesome.  Let's just go back to how things used to be, k?

K.

Tuesday, 5 April 2016

So Weird

During one of the gorgeous weather days we've had lately, I went down to the beach to soak up some rays and relax.  It was awesome.

At a certain point two young(ish?) kids came down near the water and started to play.  I watched them (pretty sure they were brother and sister) and listened to their conversation and started to realize how complicated we humans are.

For many reasons, I'm a people observer.  Partly schooling, training, personality, everything, I see people patterns and behaviour patterns that not everyone notices. Or, maybe, cares about.  But as I watched this brother and sister interact I could see their little personalities in formation.  I could see how they did things for attention, or to be noticed, or to get the other to laugh, or whatever the case may be and I sat there and I thought man... being a human is so very complicated.

And so very weird.

It almost became one of those things like when someone tells you you breathe without thinking about it but then you start to pay attention to your breathing and for a while it feels like you have to keep thinking about it or else you won't breathe or something like that.... Like... why is it so complex to interact with each other?  Why are we wired so .... complicatingly?

And yes, I make up words.  But usually only words that should really exist in the first place, yo!

Monday, 4 April 2016

Mixed

Jay showed up again the other day.  Textually speaking anyway.

I bring this up not to talk about him as much as to talk about the fact that it brought something up for me that I'm currently working on... and being reminded that it's a good thing to work on.

Boundaries.

And more specifically, being ok with saying no.

See, Jay asked if he could come visit and I said no.  (The conversation and request was a little more detailed than that but I don't feel like opening it up to possible comment grumblings so that's all I'll say.)

But then I felt really weird.

If I break it down simply and say I'm a recovering people pleaser, maybe that will make more sense?

Past habits, etc.... and now I have a hard time feeling like it's ok to say no either because I don't want to or I can't or it doesn't feel right or whatever.  Something in me tells me that it will make people not like me.  If I don't... help, or whatever.

I don't know, this is kind of all babbly.  But I'm starting to say no to things that feel big to me and each time I have so far it's felt weird.  But.... (looking around carefully) the sky hasn't fallen and I haven't been struck by lightning so so far it seems to be ok.

Will suck if it means people like me less or whatever, but.... I don't want to keep doing things just because.

Argh.  I'm not explaining correctly because I'm trying not to use real world examples that might hurt feelings.  And so the people pleasing strikes again.

But it's hard.  Hard to make sure I'm balanced because it feels like if I do what *I* want, I'm a horrible selfish and self centered person and will never be nice to another human again.

Which... no... but that black and white thinking is hard to change because it defines life in such a way that things feel safer.  Extremely difficult, but safe at the same time.

But moral of the story is, I said no.  And I hope to keep saying no in situations like this.


Edited to add:  Ha!  I just noticed today's date is the 4th of the 4th which if you multiply them together is 16 so it's a total math day!  4/4/16!  YAY BRAIN!  

Friday, 1 April 2016

No, I'm Not Kidding!

So I was writing this post in my head about how some words are way more fun to say the way they are spelled/written rather than how we do say/pronounce them, but I realized it would be kind of hard to type out how I fun pronounce them so I'm just going to leave you with my current favourite.

A few years ago, good friends of mine told me how they fun-mis-prounounce chihuahua.  So now, I love to refer to those little dogs as....

Chuh Hooah Hooahs!

(If that's how you'd type it)

I mean you can *see* it in the word, and it's super fun to say so why not?  Chihuahua for the win!

Happy April, y'all. Funny that this ended up being a first of April post, because I'm not joking, so, no, this is not an April Fool's day joke.  I( don't even really like those, they always seem to be a little mean to me!)
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2016 and then some.) Kay? Kay.