Twenty Ninth

Happy Leap Day!

Time and calendars are weird, eh?

Also, bye bye February.  Go figure!  Have a great weekend lovelies!

Ok!

Ok, so I've met my next boyfriend.  It just happened to be in a dream, so I just have to figure out how to replicate the dream, right?

Right.

So, in the dream, I went over to C-Dawg's house even though she was at work (it wasn't her actual house).  She had one of those camera doorbells (she doesn't) and so I made funny faces at the doorbell and was leaving.  I stopped at the little display she has (she doesn't) because she'd left a note for me that said "here, have a candy cane" and so as I was taking out the candy cane this car full of people came down the driveway.

They all jumped out very loud and rambunctious and kind of tried to pretend kidnap me but they thought I was C-Dawg so I had to explain that I wasn't but that if they were playing this fun joke (someone had hired them to do this hilarious thing, like an escape room or something I dunno!) they could wait til she got home.

One of them said he'd wait with me and he was this cute slightly red headed guy and he had a nice smile and all that and so we walked down to the food carts (there aren't any) and we were chatting away and it was really nice and he seemed a little nervous but he asked me if I'd maybe like to go out sometime and I said I totally would!  And then I found paper and pen in my purse (I do have that!) and I wrote out my phone number (for calling) and my cell phone (for texting) and then I sort of half woke up but he seemed like a really nice guy and we really got along well and, well, yay!

So, yeah... just kind of have to make a whole lot of things that aren't actually things happen so I can meet this guy!  Ta da!

You Will NOT Remember!

Oh man, I have GOT to stop "writing" blog posts while I'm in bed at night and being *certain* that I'll remember the thoughts in the morning.  Because guess what?  I don't!

I mean, every so often I do which is probably why I keep attempting to just remember but more often than not, I don't stop to write it down and then in the morning?  Gone.  Bye bye.  Nope!

Sigh.

I do even have paper and pen in a drawer next to my bed but I'm often just on the edge of sleepy and comfortable and to get it out and write it down would wake me up "too much" and who wants that, eh?

Le sigh.

But yeah, I really should stop thinking I'll "for sure remember this in the morning!"

Slip Sliding Away

I was noticing the other day how easily I think my mind could slip into even worse anxiety based situations if I didn't pay attention and stop it.

Let me explain...

I know there are many forms and types of anxiety based illnesses, and I am incredibly grateful not only to be seeing improvement with mine, but also that I do not have some of the issues that others do. 

Like, I have a friend whose mother has struggled with agoraphobia all her life. (Often struggling with difficulty leaving the house, etc.)  (My friend was telling me how different her life has been since they found some medication that works and this is wonderful.)  I was at the gym the other day, mindlessly plodding away on the treadmill when I had the following train of thought...

A loud noise happened.  It shook the floor a little (probably someone dropping some big weight?)  I thought to myself "I wonder how this building would do in an earthquake?"  And then I watched as my brain started to try to barrel down that train of thought.... would it be ok to be caught in an earthquake here?  Probably because it's a community building?  But what if I was at the store when one happened?  Or walking home?  And if the earthquake happened here, I don't have my keys on me, so how would I eventually get back into my apartment and what if it was gone and I don't have a cell phone charger and -

And that's when *I* stopped myself.

Like.... no.  Not going to follow that train of thought.  Because I could.  And I know that the very anxious parts or aspects of me would very possibly start ramping up and as I thought about those thoughts and the process I realized how "easy" it would be to stop wanting to leave the house.

I could see how people get to that point, you know?  Just a thought followed by a thought followed by some brain chemistry followed by some physical symptoms likely set off by the chemistry and the thoughts and all of a sudden outside is not a safe place to be and then how do you get yourself out of that....

So, yeah.  I have been learning to watch my thoughts and stop them from running too far away and a lot of other things that I won't try to oversimplify.  But it was interesting, and somewhat humbling and frightening,  to feel some empathy for folks who have struggles I feel fortunate and grateful not to have.

Wait.... Are We The Baddies?

Jason has a friend who is a really good looking fellow.

I mean like... yeah.  *giggle*

I've met this guy a few times and he always seems nice... and, um, hot!  Ahem.

So... anyway.  Jason was at an event the other weekend and ran into this guy and Jason texted me "Hey, so and so says to say hi!"

I literally giggled.

Like, no, really.  Like a little teenaged school girl who just had her crush smile at her in the hallway.  I.  Giggled.

Jason called me the next day and said that this guy had asked how I was and when Jason mentioned "we just need to find her a good guy" apparently hot guy was surprised I am single and asked Jason if he'd ever "have a chance" and Jason was like "dude, you're a super hot guy, duh!"  To, which, apparently good looking guy blushed, which, AWWWWWWWW!  *Giggle*

So then I had this bizarre to me conversation with Jason where I was like, but.. me?  He... what?  Me?  But he's super hot!  To which Jason replied, um, Victoria?  All my guy friends think YOU are hot.  And I was like, what?  Are they all drunk?

Later that same week a friend send me a photo from a party from a loooooong time ago.  Like, probably just after actual teenage high school girl years!  She asked me if I recognized any of the guys in the picture and I was like NOPE.  But damn... I was pretty.  I had no idea.  And it was this really really weird moment of knowing that was me in the photo, and not having had any idea that I was attractive at that time.

And then my brain did one of those things they make fun of in movies where it went... hey... if you can objectively see that you USED to be attractive... that means you very likely still are now?  And that that guy you think is good looking probably might maybe have kind of a point?

I mean... I know that it's all relative and what's attractive here isn't there and that you get to know someone and their heart and soul make them gorgeous but all that aside.... similar to the silly skit I referenced in the title of this post... Am I un-ugly?

(No, I mean, really.  I went through most of my "formative years" thinking I was unattractive.  Plain at best.  Now that I look at old photos I wonder how different my life might have been had I had any sense of how wrong those inner thoughts were.)

Grump. Sigh.

It's Sunday morning as I type this and I have a blah.

I was woken around 5am by heavy rain and while I thought about just getting up then, I made an effort to sleep more, and unfortunately when I decided to get out of bed a few hours later, it seems some grumpiness had crept in.

I get frustrated at my own self sometimes, although I try not to... and so I'm sitting here irritated at my irritation.  Like, I feel annoyed at the things I have to do next week (this week) and it frustrates me that I can't *just* enjoy a Sunday with nothing to do.  And the things I have to do this week aren't all that bad and won't take up every moment of every day so why do they feel so imposing and grumpy making?

I suppose it could be in part that they're not really things I look forward to.  A visit to the doctor and a physio for example are both things that make me uncomfortable in different ways.  I can't even remember what the other things coming up this week are, just that my Sunday morning has started off with some sort of grumpy resentment that I have to do anything.  Which... you know, life?  Sigh.

I've often had a hard time on Sundays and I know I'm not the only one... but it's still hard to feel like an entire "day off" can be tainted by the "not days off" to come. 

This too shall pass, I have to assume, and I figure my Sunday will get better as it goes on.  The sun's coming up as I finish off this babbling, so that's nice, and I'll remind myself (ahem) that there may be a hormonal portion to the extra grumps today (I'm not a "pre" "PMS" person, I'm a "during" person... go figure)  So... onwards and upwards, or something like that and hey, maybe this physio will help fix my shoulder and I'll get better sleeps and that can only help my mood, so maybe yay?

Awwww Man!

So, first world non problem for sure, but a whole lot of bands/musicians that I really like and would really like to see have all announced tours for this year and put their tickets on sale this month.

And I?  Just can't afford it.

I've already bought tickets for James Taylor here in town, and to go see Roger Waters in Vancouver.  Now, a Vancouver trip means a lot more money, not just for the tickets, but for the travel and accommodations.  Sure, I could bug friends or family but I'd really not feel comfortable with that, so hotel it is, and man oh man that can get pricey, especially if you want to stay in the core and you're during the "season".

Sigh.

So, I'm saving up VISA points to pay for the Roger Waters travel stuff and I was like, ok, that'll be my splurge for this year.

And then.... Rage Against the Machine announced.  In Vancouver.  Damn.

I actually did try for tickets but couldn't justify the cost (knowing I am already going over for R.W.)  Bummed me out though, I'd like to see what they're like live...

And then?  Dave Matthews Band announced.  In Vancouver.  DOUBLE DAMN.

I've seen Dave Matthews solo and he was amazing, so I'm a little less disappointed, but still... if these folks were coming here I would for sure be going, damn the cost.  But I can't justify multiple ferry trips and overnight stays, and yes, I know there are ways to do it less expensively but I also am not 20 anymore (slept on the floor for a Vancouver concert once... shared a bed with friends another time... no more... well certainly not the floor part!  Ouch.)

So, yeah.  I'm really hoping that no one else I want to see announces a 2020 tour cuz I'm already tapped out, yo!

Phew

Well, I don't know what made me log on to my banking, but I'm glad I did.  Seems somehow I didn't pre set my VISA bill this month, which I always always do.  I hope I caught it in time to miss any late fees, and I'm confused as to what happened, but I'll put it down to human (my) error and be glad I caught it (by accident!)

So, thanks to whatever part of my brain or universe sent me to do that, eh?

Spring?

Well, I'm no meteorologist, but ever since we had our "big" snowfall last month it's kind of felt like that was the only Winter we were going to get.  Like, I think we've had maybe a couple of cold snaps (including a little one the last day or two) and that one snow and ever since then it's been pretty mild.  Wet, sure, but, dare I say it... it feels like we had snow and then Spring?

I know we have blossoms early here, it's part of our "thing".  And some years we have photos of snow on those blossoms but this year it just feels... done?

Plus, I look at the calendar and we're more than mid way through February.  Even with an extra day added.  And yes, I have occasionally seen snow in March, or even, I swear, in April, but those are more novelty snows than anything, like a blip in the atmosphere rather than actual Winter weather.

I'm not saying it's sunshine and lollipops or anything, just more that I feel like we may not be getting another big freeze, maybe just some more of the chill we've had this week.  And probably not any more snow, and it's nearly March, and, well, I was just sitting here thinking that soon enough I won't need the extra layers and gloves and hot water bottles.

I guess it's been a bit of a weird February....

A Real Nowhere Man

I feel like I keep bumping up against things that upset me that are age related.

Like, I don't want to call them "mid life crises" because that would imply I'm mid way through my life, and well, I don't want to think that.... not until I'm 60 or something (sigh).... Anyway...

I mean there's the whole aspect of not really knowing when you might die, so my life might not be half over, it might be ending in a week, or many decades from now, but I'm kind of off topic at this point, I certainly am not all that young anymore (read: I'm not 20-something anymore... even though so many 20-somethings seem to feel "it's all over" when... so... not) and I think the fact that I keep aging and am dealing with an aging body and people around me are having birthdays with numbers that cause my brain to go "huh?" I keep thinking about all the things I'm not going to be doing in this lifetime.

Like, things that take twenty years to develop or figure out.  I can probably pull off one of those, maybe two, but not seven, or ten.  I can't live all the lifestyles I see out there.  I can't be a rockstar anymore.  Or get scouted by a modelling agency (there was a part of me as a kid that thought I'd get scouted in a mall... no idea why, I've never been tall... or particularly thin...)  I'm not going to be one of the girls on The Bachelor or be a social media influencer.  And I'm not saying these are things I value highly or even things that I want to do or have happen, there's just this feeling of sadness and sometimes something close to panic that I can't. 

I can't be a rich couple who gallivants around the world being beautiful and rich.  I can't write a hit song and make a documentary about the last ten years of my career.  I can't be an established actor, or author.  I can't start and run a biodiverse organic farm.  And I know you can probably look at the things I've written and you can say "sure you can!" but I can't.  Not all of them.  Likely not any of them.  There are so many worlds and lives that I just can't do, or be.  Astronaut?  Nope. 

Some of these "missed" things are body-health related.  There are definitely some things that are best for younger bodies... so careers as surf legends and BMX jumper are out.  Some of these things are money related.  I want to be able to jet down to Mexico to watch Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds and go to all the concerts I want to and then still afford some exotic vacation and yeah, sure throw Burning Man in there too.  Oh, and I'd like to be able to make my van drivable again.  And to camp.  Whenever.  To just have more freedom financially is one thing but so many things I'd like to try or do don't seem likely to be within a range of money I expect to have.  Maybe ever.

Own a home?  Doubtful, but maybe?  But man would I ever love (in theory) to be working on my garden, planning for Spring, eating my own... food that I grew.  And I know, grass is always greener... there are folks who own homes and gardens who are like OMG SO ANNOYING AND TIME CONSUMING AND EXPENSIVE and I get it, I do, but I am feeling the loss of so many things lately.

I even sometimes find myself wishing I could be pregnant.  To know what that's like, and what it's like to have a child, and that's a whole kettle of worms and I don't want to get into it because it's a lot, but still... it's one of many things right now that I feel sadness and anxiety around not being able to do, probably ever.

Existential anxiety I suppose.  Mid life crisis upset, sure. 

I just see that there is so much life out there to be had and to be tried and I feel all sorts of not so happy ways about that.

Oh, Right

Well, it turns out today is that (relatively) new holiday here.... "Family Day"  Turns out it's a holiday in a few provinces and actually a Federal US holiday too so.... there you go I guess?  Doesn't mean everyone has the day off of course, but lots do and so I hope they have a happy day.  Kinda nice when you have these holidays with no expectations of gifts or buying or meal making or anything at all really.  Some folks are taking time to go see their family, which is sweet, and a nice use of a day off.

I don't have plans.... at least not that I know of!  I did have a nice moment yesterday though when I realized it was a long weekend so that was nice.

So, have a happy Monday or a happy Family Day or a happy... whatever is going on by the time you read this day!

Ballytimes!

Happy Ballytimes day!  Will you be my Valentine?

Gotta Laugh, To Keep Myself From Crying

So over the last couple of years both of my shoulders (more "arm", "upper arm" than the "shoulder ball", but shoulder is easier to say) have done gone brokend.

Right as I was finally getting some improvement with the right, the left went.  Slightly different area but generally the same thing.  It's major major pain when activated, and lack of ability to move in certain ways or do certain things.  (Physios are constantly mystified btw)  Including sleep.

As in... for a year or so, I was unable to lay on my right side.  And now, just to even things out, I'm sometimes unable to lay on my left side.  And sometimes said left side wakes me up in the middle of the night which omg no please stop.

Some nights are worse than others for reasons I've yet to figure out, and on Friday night I was ready for sleep, and I rolled over onto my left and nope, ouch!  So I rolled over onto my right and something in my back tweaked and it was like nope, ouch!  And then I started laughing.

I was laughing, in part, because it was Friday night so I knew I didn't have to "get up" the next morning (a Saturday) so getting to sleep wasn't as desperate as on a weekday but it was also like... really?  I can't... move at all?  I have to lie still and silent on my back to get any sleep, are you serious right now?

I must have fallen asleep eventually, and at some point my back must have eased up because I remember being on my right side but man... as if sleep isn't tricky enough sometimes, eh?

For A Change

I've had dreams of Burning Man this week.  Which isn't a huge surprise as I've been talking about it more this week as ticket information recently came out.

Both of these dreams were a little different for me though as usually my Burning Man dreams are "stress" dreams - I've not packed, I'm running late, my parents are there and hate it.  And my usual Burning Man dreams don't usually happen *at* Burning Man, but at some other random place... in a field, on a boat, in a carnival... etc.

These dreams were also happy.  Which is unusual.  In the first, I had decided to go at the last minute (I'm 99% decided *not* to go this year) and I hadn't sold my ticket (weird) and so I threw my stuff in my car (my poor car!) and was having the best time, so excited on my drive down.  I was almost at the place on the drive where I lose cell reception (the last three or so hours) and I realized I didn't know which of my friends might be there, since I hadn't planned on going.  So I, in the dream, texted one particular friend to find out where I might be able to see her.  And then the dream was IN Burning Man and it was hot and dusty and yeah.  Happy.

The next one was the night after and it involved my family.  I was explaining to my parents (who were fairly happy, sitting on lawn chairs watching things... in a place that was kind of Burning Man but also a little not) that if they took their car to the DMV they could probably get a disabled sticker (as my Dad had a disabled placard post heart surgery) and so they could drive out to see the art (since they weren't biking or walking). Then my brother was there and I was telling him that his kids could come since kids under 12 are free and just need a "kid's ticket" and then I woke up.

So I guess it was nice to have non-miserable Burning Man dreams for a change?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh

The Sun came out this weekend, most notably on Saturday, and I feel like everyone took a giant sigh of relief.

Our January was dark and wet.  Broke records I believe.  There were floods, and other negative things, but I have hope that a wet Winter may bring us a smoke-free Summer so... no complaints from me.

But even I recognized the mood boost that sunny day brought.  I've said it before, but I really don't know if folks who live in stereotypically-always-sunny places feel the same way about sun.  For us?  It's glorious.

Everything feels better.  I know I'm happier, and I swear others are too.  People flock outdoors.  I mean, we're a pretty outdoor city anyway but on the sunny days it's crazy.  I had friends who were topless gardening, and lying outside (under blankets) just to soak in the rays.

I think I smiled a lot more as I was out there walking, soaking it in, literally.

We were meant to have a week of sun, but the forecast seems to have shifted... as they do, but here's hoping for another glorious sunny Winter day again soon!

By Osmosis I Assume

There was a meme I came across this weekend that was of a map of the USA and as the story went, a
"random German guy" tried to label all the states and the result was cute/funny.

Which got me thinking.... I wonder how many US States *I* can name, being a directly neighbouring country and all, and so I sat down and tried to write out how many US states I could think of (without cheating).  A few came right away (including 2 territories - go figure) and for a lot of them I'd end up thinking of a "big city" I'd heard of and trying to remember what State it was in.  There were some that I wrote to the side as I was pretty sure they weren't actual States, but... maybe? 

I got to 36 before I ran out of steam, and you know what?  I think that's pretty darn good!  36 out of 50, for someone who doesn't live in the country?  I'll take it!

I told some of my American friends this and they laughed (good-naturedly I assume!) and then talked about their schooling and I then wondered how many US presidents I could name and I got to 15 (Including some I'd heard about but couldn't name like "Guy who build dam" [Hoover] and "Guy with mustache" [Roosevelt].   All of these names I've really only ever picked up through either paying attention to news over the years (ugh) or mildly through history, or through tv shows or movies.  And then I kind of embarrassingly remembered that I wasn't sure I could remember as many Canadian Prime Ministers (or BC Premiers for that matter) and I realized we as Canadians really are exposed to an awful lot of American media up here. 

I didn't ask my American friends how many Canadian "States" (Provinces/Territories) or Prime Ministers they could name, because well, it wasn't about that, and I know that there isn't the same presence of Canadian tv/movies/media down there.

But what a funny thing, to know "so much" about a country that's not even yours.

Stomping My Feet

This is whiny, and I know it's whiny, but I am frustrated and going to whine. 

I've been working on my "health-lifestyle" changes for a couple of weeks now.

I've been denying myself what I want to eat (sugar, carbs, snacks) and making sure I get exercise and more cardio.  I'm not loving the experience.

And I haven't lost any weight.  Not at all. 

I'm super annoyed and frustrated by this.

And before you shrug and say that that's not the point of exercising and eating healthy, I know it's not, but that's part of what I am supposed to do - lose 5%-10% of my current weight.  And I really thought that after what feels like a lot of effort I would have maybe a pound's loss to show for it.  Maybe two! But nothing?  At all?  Feels really really unfair and is not helping my mood or motivation and so I'm stomping my feet and whining about it here.

Sigh.

Boo.

Ugh.

Labels And Names

It's been a few years now since I was initially diagnosed (???) by my doctor.  And I think I wrote about it at some point, but she diagnosed me with a good chunk of things and that's the information that went off to... uh... I don't actually know?  I assume it went off to someone at some point?  But anyway... it's been a while is the point I was vaguely hacking away at.

I bring this up because that doctor retired, so I don't have her opinion on what might have changed, because I'm pretty sure things have changed.

Like, yes, I'm kind of low these days and I think "winter blues" is part of that, but I don't think I would be considered clinically depressed anymore.  I for sure get slumps, and low days and times of depression I think?  But not the way it was.  Cool.

And with the anxiety (anxieties???) I know that's still there, but it's shifted a little and I have more breathing room most of the time.  I think I even said to a counsellor type that my panic attacks weren't quite a long or as devastating as they were.  But they're still there.  And I still struggle with a lot of things I am not used to struggling with, and I still struggle with things that I would really rather not.

I bring this up because I feel like my old doctor might have done a 'retest' for lack of a better term.  A re-assessment to see where I'm at.  I guess I could go do some online quizzes or something but it's more sort of a general wondering... what's still getting to me... where am I still really struggling.  What labels and names might have been erased from the top of my file... and what is still there.

I dunno man, this is still all pretty weird, you know?





Update:  I wrote this post and then went and did some online screenings and I'm a little bummed that I still hit all of the markers for most of the anxiety disorders/issues my doctor initially listed.  Sigh.

Why? Whyyyyyyyyyy?????

Why are papercuts some of the nastiest, meanest, hardest to heal cuts? 

Like, I know I've googled this before and gotten an answer but I'm typing this with a half destroyed right hand because of a paper cut I have NO IDEA where it came from and what I can only assume is a metal paper cut (do you know what I mean?) and I'm going to have to bandaid them and they're all red and angry and how?  Why?

My poor little fingies... just trying to do their thing!

Sunny Days Help Though

I'm not happy right now.  And I genuinely hope that it's an "at the moment of typing this" or "today" kind of thing rather than something that spreads.  Because ugh.

I could also say "low level of panic" right now, but that's kind of something that maybe doesn't translate well to anyone who hasn't experienced it.  I don't know.

The food/health/exercise thing is probably stressing me more than it might.  I mean, some people are in similar health situations and don't even know it.  Or some are and aren't doing anything at all about it.  Friends this weekend reminded me to take it easy on myself and not be so black and white "need to do it perfectly" about it all, which logically... sure ...ha...ha.... ha.  sigh.

But the reality of it for me right now is I'm confused and I'm scared.  I'm scared of a stroke, or heart attack, or ending up with diabetes and needing insulin and maybe none of those things will happen.  Maybe none of those things would happen even if I changed nothing at all.  Maybe those things would happen anyway.  It's just that now they've been drawn to my attention.  Or my attention has been drawn to them.  And dealing with anxiety (my anxiety anyway) when it catches on to something takes an awful lot of effort.  (Or at least it seems like it does, perhaps there are "easier" ways I just haven't found yet.)  And that becomes tiring or draining.

And I'm not sure I'm actually giving my body enough nutrients/food right now, it's hard to know.  Because food is even more of a mystery than it used to be.  And the things I've relied on are, well, snacks and some meals... and snacks aren't really a thing for me anymore.

If I didn't mention it last week, there is a massive amount of information out there about the "right thing" to do and unfortunately they all approach at a slightly different angle and so far I've just been overwhelmed rather than guided.  So really, at this point, all I know is.... cut out sugar -which I've done to a large extent... the obvious stuff anyway, and reduce carbs.  Which I've also done, but not eliminated.  But hey, if you have noticed over the years I'm not exactly a whiz in the kitchen.  Nor am I confident or comfortable with foods and cooking and... all..... of..... the...... things.

I've been mad, I've been sad, I've been... whatever else and I think now I'm just mainly a combination of determined, lost and confused.  (Probably with a little bit of not wanting to deal with it all thrown in there too)

Almost A Whoops

Yesterday morning my alarm went off and I was so asleep at the time and not wanting to get up that I rolled over and turned the damn thing off.

I remember thinking that I didn't *need* to get up early and that I really really wanted to stay asleep.

So I went back to sleep.  Ahhhh.  And then an hour or so later my alarm went off again!  What?

I was genuinely confused.  Very very confused.  And I hit snooze and stared at the time on the alarm and was still confused.  It was still early.  But... I'd turned my alarm off?  So why was it going off again?

I lay there for a while, in part to figure it out and in part because I remembered I did have to be up anyway, not that I would have slept through it but it might have made my getting ready more hassled.  And as I lay there sort of half waking up I realized I'd probably hit snooze rather than turning it off and that what felt like an hour was only nine minutes.

So... um.... whoops?  Almost?

Hang On, It's February?

Well damn... February already?  Geez... this month just started I thought!  (Even though most of the internet seemed to say January went on forever... go figure!)

Anyway, I'm not really here about that, I just noticed when I hit on the publish date that it said "1" and I was like... woah.

I'm here to tell you how amazing buying a new pair of runners is!!!

I can not honestly tell you the last time I got new runners which tells me it's been a long time.  A year?  No, probably more like two?  Three?  I just never felt I could justify it when I was hardly using them and while money is so tight.

But my feet have been hurting and with me starting to get back to the gym and my folks giving me a bit of cash as a gift I thought it was time I invested in a new pair and OMG you guys?  I had NO IDEA how blah my old runners were until I put on the new runners and it was night and day.

Like honestly.  My old runners felt cushioned compared to my usual boots, but my new runners compared to my old runners?  AMAZING!

And then I felt really guilty for my feet and legs and who knows what else that had been hurting probably in part because of worn out shoes.

I know they're expensive.  I know that.  But now I've also been reminded how different (and dare I say important) it is to have a good, new(er) pair. 

Crazy.