How Worried Should I Be?

I was just drying off after a shower and discovered a nasty bruise at the back of one leg.

Like one of those bruises that is purple and red and all sorts of nasty colours and hurts to touch?  Yeah, one of those.

And I have no idea how I got it.

Now just because I don't remember hurting that spot doesn't mean I *didn't* hurt that spot.  But it also doesn't mean I did?

Like is it a pinch?  Did I hit it on something and have forgotten?  Is it some terrible indication of something bad happening at the back of my one leg?  I don't KNOWWWWWWW.

So I put some arnica on it and am trying to just assume it was some injury I immediately forgot about.  Ahem.

Unknown

Most of the time when I write posts, I'm writing them in advance of posting.  As in, it isn't as often that I write things as they happen (but that is occasionally the case.)

I mention this because as I'm writing this, we know that the American election is happening/about to happen, and so while I don't want to talk about politics (although I'm betting it's easy enough to figure out where my vote would go were I an American) I do want to say that I know today's post is scheduled for the day after American election day and I don't know what to say about it so.... place holder post I guess?

Our election we just had was stressful enough, I really wish I didn't live so close to a country that was going through whatever the he** America is going through of late.

So perhaps I'll write some really lightweight posts to post for the remainder of the week just in case I/we need that.... or don't need it but enjoy it anyway.

Time. Change.

Except this time I wrote myself a note to remember to change the clock in my car so that when I leave to go to work this morning I won't freak out that I'm late! (Or early?  I can't think through how it works....)

(But still... we all know how I, and many others!!!!, feel about all this changing of the times.... le sigh)

Oh Dear....

While I try to be mindful of judging others, I have to say that I cringe every time I see someone barefoot in the showers/washroom/change room at the pool.

Happy Halloween

I would wish you a "happy half price chocolate day tomorrow" but I don't think that's happening anymore (and I did actually see one store where the fine print on the Halloween goodies said something like 'prices will not reduce after the 31st' so... *sad trombone*.

One of the aqua fit instructors earlier this week put some Halloween themed songs on their playlist and I thought that was really cute and fun.

One of those songs was Thriller (by Michael Jackson) and that night I lay in bed thinking about how much that video meant when that song came out.

I know it's hard to look back at celebrities we admired who have come to be known for bad things and Michael Jackson is one of those.  But man... I remember how amazing that video was.  (Are there still tv stations that are all about music?  I think not?). MJ looking like a ghoul/zombie... the dancing, the story, Vincent Price, the *length* of the music video, the song, just all of it.  It was one of those "stop what you're doing and watch this" kind of things and I remember it being such a big deal and so awesome in so many ways.

The instructor also played the Monster Mash which was fun and I was half waiting for something from the Rocky Horror Picture Show but that didn't happen.  All in all I thought it was fun that the instructor took some time to try to make a thematic playlist and it sure made me smile.

I Didn't Know You Could Do That!

I slow motion hit my head.

You know those times when you bash your head on something and it stings and hurts and you know there's going to be a bump and you even maybe check for blood to see if you cut yourself?  Most often, I find, this happens when you stand up into something.  And usually it happens quickly.  Know what I mean?

Yeah, so I was getting changed after swimming the other day and was reaching down slowly to grab one of my shoes, like I really wasn't in a rush or anything, and you know that part of a locker that sticks out so that when you close the locker you can slide your lock through it?  Well as I was in slow motion bending over to grab my shoe, my head hit (I swear, slowly) into that thing.

Ow. (I thought)

I straightened back up (don't remember if I grabbed the shoe, doesn't really matter!) and touched my head immediately wondering if there was blood as it hurt quite a bit.  I was really surprised because I don't remember ever hitting the top of my head while bending in a downwards motion so there was some level of internal confusion.  

I knew right away what I'd hit but I was surprised it had happened and that it hurt so much for not being done very quickly or, I thought, particularly hard?

By the time I got back home I had mostly forgotten about it, until I went to wash my hair and then OW, there's a lump!  Holy smokes, I really did hit it quite hard then!?

A few days later and the lump is still there and sore to the touch but yeah, hurting the top of your head in slow motion is a really weird feeling.

Who?

Sweet moment in water fitness class last week....

The instructors bring their own playlists and the music can really vary.

Last week one of the playlists was fairly... I don't know, rock heavy?  And at one point a Bruce Springsteen song came on and the instructor said, hey, The Boss is coming to Vancouver!  And one of the ladies looked quite, almost... shocked?  And looked around, and then finally called out "Who is the boss??"  And the instructor must not have really heard her because he just replied with "yeah, he's the boss" until a couple of us tried to help out by calling out to her "Bruce Springsteen is The Boss!"

I don't expect everyone to know all singers/bands at all, and I thought it was quite endearing that she was trying to figure out which "boss" was coming to Vancouver.  Like the boss of the pool?  That wouldn't make sense.... So maybe the "boss" of the country?  (The Prime Minister?)

And then of course my brain had to go "That's a tv show! Who's the Boss!"  because brains, you know?  They do their own thing.

The Feed Fed Me

Social media algorithms have a tendency to show you more of the things you look at and so over the last little while I've been "seeing" more videos about keeping up your mobility as you age.  (Most of these folks showing the moves and stretches and exercises are older.)

At some point, these videos made me start worrying that I couldn't do things anymore.  Namely, run.

I might have been a fast runner when I was a kid and as an adult I did running groups and races for a while but I never came to enjoy it and I eventually stopped.  I was never particularly quick or anything, but for me it was about the fitness rather than the speed.

But in my head I just always think that I can run, I just don't.

But then I started to (over) think about it and I thought... hmmm, I really haven't been doing much and my body isn't getting stronger or healthier on its own.  What if I CAN'T run anymore?

Like can't pick up my legs enough to do it?  

And I'm not talking about "go run a marathon" more like "uh oh Zombies, can I outrun them?"  And right now it feels like my answer is no, and I'm actually more concerned about the physical mechanics of it than the cardio (I know my cardio isn't ideal currently.)

So I started to think about maybe trying to run like on purpose, like on a treadmill or something and I still might but I'm happy to say that I "jogged" across streets to get out of the path of a turning car just to sort of see if I could and, yes, I can still do the physical motions of running.

This "issue" in my head may also have come from witnessing my Mom turn to jog towards me and trip over her runners/the sidewalk... a really hard image to have in my head and one that I think my brain/body got kind of stuck on and tried to apply to myself.  But I am also aware that with bodies, it's easy to lose what we were able to do, and it happens faster than you think.

I know I lost a LOT of fitness and strength and mobiilty over this last decade with my mental health and then lockdowns and the pandemic and all of those things combined.

I am starting to get some strength and mobility back and I'm trying to work on it all the time (knowing I forget some days) and I may still try some jogging, even though I dislike it, in part to show myself I can but also for a bit more cardio and some weight bearing too.  

But I suppose this is also a reminder that with life and especially with social media and other systems that have algorithms that what you see will bring you more of what you're seeing and then you'll see more of that and so don't watch or interact with the things that upset you or stress you or make you like life less.

Overthunk

On my work days, I usually drive by a school that has one of those scrolling information signs.

Like where the words scroll and tell the students (I assume?) things they need to know like "Prom tickets on sale tomorrow" or whatever.  

A few months ago I noticed that the sign was glitchy.  And I noticed it being glitchy the next few weeks.

I thought to myself "I wonder if they know?" but figured that someone must have told them.

But then I wondered if all of us thought the same thing?  Like... "I won't call them or email them because someone probably already told them and I'd just be annoying." And then if everyone thinks someone else has told them maybe no one ever actually told them?

So I half had this debate with myself for several weeks... do they know?  They must know....?  What if we all thought someone else told them and so they don't know?

I mean all this to say the sign is not currently working right now,  and I have to assume they're waiting for someone to come fix it, but yeah, it's funny to be aware of the overthinking as it's happening and to wonder if others are also overthinking in a similar way.

Dark Dark

I was watching the show Alone (where folks are left in a wilderness and have to film themselves trying to survive as long as possible) and the fellow was talking about "seeing" things in the dark (he was wondering if he was unwell or dehydrated) and it suddenly reminded me of a camping trip experience a couple of years ago.

See, when it's dark here, in town, in my bedroom, it is not very dark at all.  Especially since I've been spending the last few years with my bedroom blinds only half closed (it really helps me wake up in the mornings) and with the next door's trees and things gone there is a security light as well as their outdoor lights and also my apartment's parking lights that keep my bedroom less than dark.

But even if those lights were blocked, it's not all that dark around here what with light pollution and city lights.

Well on one of our camping trips, in this campsite near the ocean and far from "city lights" or even street lights, we hadn't had a fire near our tent (we sometimes do) and I don't remember the exact details except being sort of half asleep and half waking up and being somehow disoriented by how DARK it was.

I don't think I "saw" anything like the guy on the show was talking about (he mentioned flashes) but I remember feeling like I was floating or in some other reality (maybe partly due to the "half asleep" thing) but I distinctly remember how dark it was.  Like eyes open and NOTHING to be seen.  So very, utterly dark.

It was a little frightening actually (I'm not sure why?  maybe the difference?) and for a moment I almost felt like I had lost a grip on reality or something but I was able to ground myself and put myself back to sleep but yeah there is dark and then there is that actual literal pitch black dark.

They're not the same.  And night time here is really quite light.  Even if it doesn't feel that way if you go out for a walk past midnight, you know?

Well, Damn!

I just realized that with the provincial election stress and some life stress I had completely forgotten that Halloween is coming.  So, um... Boo?

Time really can be weird, yo.

If I Haven't Mentioned It Before....

One of the slightly unexpected things (for me) about continuing to go to these water fitness classes is that you kind of get to know the folks who are also going fairly regularly.  And I can't remember if I talked about it before, but it's been kind of a neat and eye opening thing for me?

Many of the people in the classes I go to are older - post retirement type age.  In part because I assume they have the time to go and also because water activities are pretty forgiving on joints and injuries and it's as gentle of a workout as you need it to be. 

I arrived earlier than usual the other day and so ended up chatting with one of the fellows I've been friendly with (he and his wife are nice folk) and he told me a lot about his life and all the jobs he's had and I know it's been said before but my GOD there are some really interesting older folks out there that most of us would probably not interact with for whatever reasons but man has it been challenging my stereotypes that I didn't really actually know I had!?

I didn't grow up with grandparents or even aunts/uncles around so I don't have much direct experience with older folks.  

When I was very little (around five years old) my Mom volunteered (I think?) at a stroke centre helping folks recovering from strokes, and so that was really my experience with "old" people and now as an adult I realize that wasn't a fair or even representation of elders - they were all struggling in extra ways, you know?  Like there was one man at that time and we became friends (as an older person and a young child do) and he made/carved me small animals I still keep by my bed.  He had another stroke at some point and his carving got less detailed and it was harder to "understand" him as I remember it.

And so I think when I first started these classes I assumed these older folk didn't really want to talk to me, and that they were probably not all that interesting but I have no actual idea why I thought that!

I first started pushing myself to talk to them (beyond the polite "good morning" greetings) by asking one gentleman about his tattoo which I had assumed was a military type tattoo but was actually one he got when travelling in Thailand.  (Go figure!). And there's another fairly frail older lady who has a "burning peace symbol" type tattoo and when I asked her when she got it she said something like 2016?  Which... wild!  

I don't know... I think I'm sort of treading gently with myself here because I have some guilt at the blanket train of thought I've probably applied to older people for most of my life, but I'm glad to be learning about people who just happen to be older than me and there are some really neat stories I've heard so far.

Now maybe some of them are dull or grumpy or mean, I don't know, but beyond feeling proud of them for continuing to move their bodies and push themselves physically, I'm liking getting to interact with older folks and to remind myself and relearn the important lesson that "respect your elders" isn't just about old fashioned etiquette... they are actually people who have lived, in many cases, some really interesting lives and seen a lot and lived their experiences and there is more to the world than the stories I've heard from my nuclear family....

Messed That Up?

I have a lot of random thoughts (as I assume we all do) and most of them don't make it down on paper.  (Or, er... digital... not paper?)  But I had this one and came directly here, hi!

So I was mindlessly scrolling through one of the social media type apps (as one does) and there was a video of a gal with long hair talking to her hairdresser about what she'd like done and for WHATEVER brain reasons I started to wonder how many bad or terrible hair cuts stylists must give while they're learning!

Like, it's not really a forgiving medium to work in? 

I'm sure they get practice on fake hair or maybe even human hair not on a real human (mannequin kind of thing) but I wonder how often in the first few years they have a "well that didn't work" moment and how they deal with that?

And like how do you improve? 

This is likely typical of how I'd feel about many professions I don't know about but yeah... I wonder how many new hair dressers make like "oh no" type of mistakes?

A Heavy Weekend

It rained quite a lot this weekend.

Initial forecasts said we would be seriously hit but as the weekend approached it looked like the biggest dumping of water would somehow miss us.  

The amount of rain *we* got was significant, and I did my grocery shopping and errand running before the weekend to reduce any need I might have for driving on roads that would likely have standing water, but the rain other parts of this general area (the rest of the island and the mainland) got a lot, like flooded roads and streams kind of a lot.

We also held an election this weekend.  Which at this time is too close to call, so it's not yet .... over.

So yeah, an intense weekend and one where I honestly woke up Sunday morning thinking "well at least it's Saturday" and then being quite intensely upset that no, it was not in fact Saturday, it was Sunday which means Monday is next and that's stressful due to the intensity of things I need to take on this week.

Caw......Plonk!

The crows in my area are having a great deal of fun (it seems) trying to get in to the chestnuts or walnuts (?)  that are falling right now.

They'll grab one in their mouth (off of the ground?  from the tree?  not sure) and fly up up up and then let it drop.  The hope being, of course, that the drop splits the outer casing enough that they can then get to the tasty (I assume) parts!

So right now, looking out my window, I see crows flying around (not that unusual) but I'll also occasionally hear a small "plonk" type noise of the nut hitting the roof of my parking area or the ground (it makes more noise on the roof I think!)

Earlier this morning I saw a few of them on the parking lot roof and they were making noises I don't think I'd heard before and my interpretation of those noises was "happy" or "content", so I hope they're all having a nice family gathering enjoying good food like many of us did last weekend.

I guess crow Thanksgiving is a week later than human Thanksgiving, today I learned!

Where'd You Go?

Does anyone else get attached to cars/vehicles they regularly see or pass?

Like, on my way to the gym (which I almost always walk to) I used to pass this car that had, what I assume, was a wrap on it that was not pink not orange and not purple but some combo of all of them?  It was SUCH an odd and unusual colour (I wouldn't have put it on my own vehicle FWIW) but certainly stood out.  Some days I'd try to see if the colour changed as I passed it or when/why the colour changed if it did at all?

Well, that car's not there anymore.  Or hasn't been for a month or three now and I feel sad, like my little visual buddy is gone!

Which led me to think... does anyone else "miss" other peoples' cars that all you ever did was see them?

Taxi Lights, Maaaan!

So I keep noticing something and finally remembered that I wanted to babble about it here!

I've noticed that taxi lights (maybe other cars but for sure I see it regularly with taxi headlights) "jiggle" shake when I'm looking at them in my rear view/side mirrors but not if I see them directly or out of my periphery.

I'm sure it's some LED light thing but MAN it's bizarre, and quite frankly a little distracting to all of a sudden be seeing something "moving" in a way it shouldn't when you're driving!  I don't have the science in my brain to know and the quick search I did didn't answer much for me but yeah.... weeeeird maaaaaan.

Really Unpleasant

Over the last month (ish) for whatever reasons (aka I'm not really sure?) my anxiety got quite bad again (rather than being sort of a background thing that would pop up from time to time.)

I've started having panic attacks again (which are many times worse than having a big amount of anxiety about something) but I've also started to have really not great thoughts that throw me off.  (And don't make sense.)

Some examples.... 

 - I sent my parents a text with a question and they didn't answer.  I then sent them an email about something else and again didn't get an answer.  Somehow my brain decided that this meant they had both died.  

But it's not *just* the awful thought for me.  That thought is accompanied by a full body feeling of terror/anxiety/panic that this is true and I now have to deal with it.

(In this case, I pushed through my anxiety and just called them.  They were fine.)

 - Jason was away on a camping trip.  I was getting groceries in the general area of his place and my brain told me that his house had burnt down. (Like what the f*ck?). And again, I had that body knowledge that this was true and all of the things that would now happen.

(I made the choice NOT to drive by to check on his place as I didn't want to sort of give any power to what was really quite a ridiculous thought.  Like, he has roommates.  Had the house burnt down one of them would have likely, almost guaranteed contacted him and he likely would have let me know.  Sigh.)

And one last example, actually from last night....

I was trying to fall asleep and half thinking about the time of year and I found myself wondering when pomegranates will be back in the stores.  Then my brain half wandered to the idea of cutting them open to get at the seeds, and then my brain decided to tell me that in attempting to cut open a pomegranate, I sliced off my finger.  And in the half awake state, I could "see" the severed finger and I could imagine myself, I dunno, being in shock and pain and maybe fainting and then I felt completely overwhelmed by the panic of living alone and not knowing if I'd be able to get to the phone to call 911 and then how long it would take them to get to me and would I be together enough to open the door for them and OH MY GOD WHAT DO I DO WITH THE FINGER?  I tried to think of tv shows where they put a severed thing on ice but then did the doctors say that was bad?  Do I put it on ice?  DO I HAVE ICE?  What if it's milk, am I supposed to put it on milk?  Do I wash it off and put it back on and wrap it?  How would I give myself first aid with all that blood and faintness and this went on and on and I could see the image clearly and I could feel the panic in my body about this happening and there is still a part of me lying there going "you know this isn't real right?  You don't have a pomegranate, you didn't slice your finger off, in fact you're pretty careful when you're using a big knife like that.  You know you're in bed, with nothing bad happening?" but the body is in full flight/fear/whatever mode and honestly I'm not sure how I handled calming myself down but I did end up taking something as hours after I still wasn't able to fall asleep.

So yeah.  It hasn't been the best last chunk of time but I'm assuming things in my mind will settle soon, and yes, I'll talk to my specialists about it and all that helpful stuff, but man, it'd be nice if my brain would stop with the vivid imagination stories please and thank you.

I Frustrate Myself Y'all

I've been chatting (messaging) with a friend of mine (we are both Burners and have met in person but she's in Reno and I'm, well, clearly not!) who recently went through an emergency surgery and is dealing with recovery from that and moving forward with the new health things in her life.

I've checked in with her regularly since she posted about the surgery and have been genuinely feeling for her and hoping she's ok and coping.  I also, in some ways, want her to know that she is thought about and cared about as I have picked up sometimes that she perhaps feels left out a bit?  (Or maybe I'm just making that up, I don't know.)

Over the month or so of checking in and chatting with her she has mentioned how much it means to her that I do so and how supported, loved and cared for she feels and that she hopes I feel the same care and love from her.

Which you guys?  I... don't?

But like because I don't allow it.

She's trying to do the same for me.  Ask me about my day and my (work, ha!) stresses and health and life.  And I give neutral, maybe evasive answers and I don't know why.  I care about her well being.  Why can't I accept she cares about mine and me?

It's fucking annoying to feel this way about myself and yes, I'm working on changing it (with counselling and such) but I'm not liking the fact that I don't seem to really accept that others may care about me in the same way I care about them and that's lame and sucks.

It Really Is Funny How Time Goes By

And we're somehow suddenly and already at Thanksgiving (yes, we know, some folks do it at different times).

Summer really did only just end.  I still have a fan out in my bedroom for crying out loud!  (I haven't yet switched to cold weather blankets either)

So a very happy thanksgiving to you, my internet friends and may the coming season be kind to you.  I'm thankful for you!