Taxi Lights, Maaaan!

So I keep noticing something and finally remembered that I wanted to babble about it here!

I've noticed that taxi lights (maybe other cars but for sure I see it regularly with taxi headlights) "jiggle" shake when I'm looking at them in my rear view/side mirrors but not if I see them directly or out of my periphery.

I'm sure it's some LED light thing but MAN it's bizarre, and quite frankly a little distracting to all of a sudden be seeing something "moving" in a way it shouldn't when you're driving!  I don't have the science in my brain to know and the quick search I did didn't answer much for me but yeah.... weeeeird maaaaaan.

Really Unpleasant

Over the last month (ish) for whatever reasons (aka I'm not really sure?) my anxiety got quite bad again (rather than being sort of a background thing that would pop up from time to time.)

I've started having panic attacks again (which are many times worse than having a big amount of anxiety about something) but I've also started to have really not great thoughts that throw me off.  (And don't make sense.)

Some examples.... 

 - I sent my parents a text with a question and they didn't answer.  I then sent them an email about something else and again didn't get an answer.  Somehow my brain decided that this meant they had both died.  

But it's not *just* the awful thought for me.  That thought is accompanied by a full body feeling of terror/anxiety/panic that this is true and I now have to deal with it.

(In this case, I pushed through my anxiety and just called them.  They were fine.)

 - Jason was away on a camping trip.  I was getting groceries in the general area of his place and my brain told me that his house had burnt down. (Like what the f*ck?). And again, I had that body knowledge that this was true and all of the things that would now happen.

(I made the choice NOT to drive by to check on his place as I didn't want to sort of give any power to what was really quite a ridiculous thought.  Like, he has roommates.  Had the house burnt down one of them would have likely, almost guaranteed contacted him and he likely would have let me know.  Sigh.)

And one last example, actually from last night....

I was trying to fall asleep and half thinking about the time of year and I found myself wondering when pomegranates will be back in the stores.  Then my brain half wandered to the idea of cutting them open to get at the seeds, and then my brain decided to tell me that in attempting to cut open a pomegranate, I sliced off my finger.  And in the half awake state, I could "see" the severed finger and I could imagine myself, I dunno, being in shock and pain and maybe fainting and then I felt completely overwhelmed by the panic of living alone and not knowing if I'd be able to get to the phone to call 911 and then how long it would take them to get to me and would I be together enough to open the door for them and OH MY GOD WHAT DO I DO WITH THE FINGER?  I tried to think of tv shows where they put a severed thing on ice but then did the doctors say that was bad?  Do I put it on ice?  DO I HAVE ICE?  What if it's milk, am I supposed to put it on milk?  Do I wash it off and put it back on and wrap it?  How would I give myself first aid with all that blood and faintness and this went on and on and I could see the image clearly and I could feel the panic in my body about this happening and there is still a part of me lying there going "you know this isn't real right?  You don't have a pomegranate, you didn't slice your finger off, in fact you're pretty careful when you're using a big knife like that.  You know you're in bed, with nothing bad happening?" but the body is in full flight/fear/whatever mode and honestly I'm not sure how I handled calming myself down but I did end up taking something as hours after I still wasn't able to fall asleep.

So yeah.  It hasn't been the best last chunk of time but I'm assuming things in my mind will settle soon, and yes, I'll talk to my specialists about it and all that helpful stuff, but man, it'd be nice if my brain would stop with the vivid imagination stories please and thank you.

I Frustrate Myself Y'all

I've been chatting (messaging) with a friend of mine (we are both Burners and have met in person but she's in Reno and I'm, well, clearly not!) who recently went through an emergency surgery and is dealing with recovery from that and moving forward with the new health things in her life.

I've checked in with her regularly since she posted about the surgery and have been genuinely feeling for her and hoping she's ok and coping.  I also, in some ways, want her to know that she is thought about and cared about as I have picked up sometimes that she perhaps feels left out a bit?  (Or maybe I'm just making that up, I don't know.)

Over the month or so of checking in and chatting with her she has mentioned how much it means to her that I do so and how supported, loved and cared for she feels and that she hopes I feel the same care and love from her.

Which you guys?  I... don't?

But like because I don't allow it.

She's trying to do the same for me.  Ask me about my day and my (work, ha!) stresses and health and life.  And I give neutral, maybe evasive answers and I don't know why.  I care about her well being.  Why can't I accept she cares about mine and me?

It's fucking annoying to feel this way about myself and yes, I'm working on changing it (with counselling and such) but I'm not liking the fact that I don't seem to really accept that others may care about me in the same way I care about them and that's lame and sucks.

It Really Is Funny How Time Goes By

And we're somehow suddenly and already at Thanksgiving (yes, we know, some folks do it at different times).

Summer really did only just end.  I still have a fan out in my bedroom for crying out loud!  (I haven't yet switched to cold weather blankets either)

So a very happy thanksgiving to you, my internet friends and may the coming season be kind to you.  I'm thankful for you!

Reeeeeeeee Dacted! (Said How They Sing TIIIIIN ROOF in "Love Shack")

What I want to say/write right now is exactly why I don't talk about work but also why I sometimes wish I did (even though I know it's better not to.)

Because if I *let* myself talk about work it'd be all OMG so and so did X and then I had to Y because of W?  AND THEN???? X happened and so now it's all XYZ and I can't believe they did that, you know???? (Because yeah the last six weeks have just been... not calm or smooth or sane lol.)

A Learning Curve That Feels Too Steep!

I have been trying to cook for myself more this last year or so and I got to the point where I was willing to actually spend some money to buy a set of pots and pans rather than continue to use the beaten up (and honestly, cheaply bought) pots and pans I currently have.  So Jason (who is trained) helped me by a decent set of Canadian made (shout out to Meyer!) stainless steel pots and pan. (It feels wrong to say it that way but it is only one frying pan so saying pots and pans is technically incorrect. Ha!)

First thing I noticed when they arrived and I unboxed them was the build quality, and most noticeably, how much longer the handles are.

I cried, by the way, giving away my old pots and pans.  They've been through everything with me!  I did keep my mini "one egg" fry pan and so far have kept a small decent pot but we'll see if that stays.  (I hope whoever has my old stuff is happy to have it and use and enjoys it!)

But y'all?  These pots and pans, the frying pan specifically have a god damned learning curve and so far it has not gone well for me.

They are, if you read carefully above, stainless steel, which I now have discovered, are a little bit more needy and tricky than the usual, cheap things I've been trying to cook and learn on.  Sigh.

I'm so far finding it almost impossible to get the "right" temperature.  I've looked up tricks and tips online and still, not doing very well with it.  (But to be fair to the pots and pans, I struggled when I got a cast iron too and am still not always great with it.)

A couple of weeks ago I actually set off the smoke alarm in my apartment because I was trying to make pancakes and I guess the temp was so that the oil smoked and well, yeah I hated that.  (And the pancakes sucked.)

So far I've managed to successfully cook a couple of things - namely crumbled up sausages (taken out of the skin) likely due to that being quite fatty and therefore less easy to "stick".

I've learned about the nitty gritty molecule stuff around these pans and wonder if I was actually cooking too cold for a while?  But also the smoking of the oil is not something I know how to figure out and I'm feeling rather frustrated that adding this pan into my learning feels like it's set me back.  Like I feel like I "can't even" make pancakes anymore, and I was doing fine with them on my old pans and even doing ok with them on my cast iron if I remember correctly.

But as I said to Jason when I was venting angrily at him on the phone after setting off the smoke alarm... it's not like I can go back.  I purposely gave away (got rid of) my old things so I didn't have the option to revert to using them.  But I also didn't know it would be such a change in function.

He says I'll get it and figure it out and will be happy once I do and I sure hope so because I've kind of avoided using the frying pan after the smoke alarm issue.

I will say though that the set is nice to use.  (Not that I've used, for example, the really large "dutch oven" type pot.). I heated canned ravioli up the other day (don't judge!) and it just slid out so much easier when I was done I actually noticed.  They are a nice set.  I just am not very good at using them yet and I'm struggling with the learning curve, some days more than others.  

But yeah, I got myself some really good pots and a pan and I see it as an investment in myself and my health and my future and I really should stop typing this and go try to make some pancakes and hopefully not set off any smoke alarms.  (Or.... maybe not, I dunno!)

Cooking with stainless steel has a learning curve.  I don't like being on the curve.  But it's feeling like the only way out is through, you know?

Le Sigh

There is a gentleman who lives at the end of the road who owns a rather loud Harley Davidson motorbike.

I know this because I have been hearing the damn thing for ages and then one windy day this Spring, I ran into him on my way to the gym and he was trying to cover his bike and chatted with me about not wanting it to blow away.  I smiled and agreed it was windy and went on my way.

But still, the LOUD revving when it drives up and down the street I find irritating.  It bugs me.

Sometimes quite a lot.

A few weeks ago I was coming home (either walking or driving, I don't remember) when I saw the neighbour's distinctive bike on the road.  And what I noticed?  Was that the older gentleman driving it (the one I'd spoken to) had the BIGGEST, HAPPIEST grin on his face as he revved that motor to noisily drive away.

Sigh.

I feel it's not right for me to be so annoyed by that noise now that I've seen how genuinely happy riding that thing makes this guy.  So now when I hear the stupidly annoying and loud noise I try to picture him and that smile again.

It helps a little I suppose, but it's also more of a good reminder for me that assuming things isn't helpful.  Maybe the guy isn't aware how much sound echoes in this neighbourhood.  Or maybe he just feels so incredibly happy and lucky to have the bike of his dreams.  I don't know.  I just know he looked so joy filled and happy when I saw him on his bike and that's what I'm going to try to remember and think of when I'm frustrated and annoyed.

I Said No Buddy

Speaking of things I'd rather not have to deal with.... I've been attempting to have some chats with some spiders in my place.

The "long legged" dudes that I see most often I've learned that they make the puffy type webs and they just abandon them when done (the smaller spiders apparently re-consume their web when they move but these guys/gals just leave it).  It's the type of spider web that you see around halloween decorations, those sort of messy poofy ones rather than the pretty design circular ones.

So I've been having to vacuum up more of these messy webs which honestly makes me feel like a bad housekeeper as all of a sudden it looks like that corner or that area has never been touched, all cobwebby!

But anyway.  Twice in the last month or so one of these long spider dudes has set up in a corner of my shower.  The first time I politely said that I didn't think they would get any action there and they eventually moved on.  But then yesterday, I found a BIGGER one in that same corner (maybe the same one came back once it grew up a bit or maybe it was a new one that also thought that corner would rock) and it gave me a jump when I went to have a shower and saw it so I also politely told it "I don't think that is a productive corner, you should probably move."

And then when I went to bed last night I found that GIANT spider on my bedroom wall. 

Uh, NOPE.  We don't go in the bedroom, remember?  (And I had to not think about it probably crawling across my pillow case with its dirty little spider feet...!). So I went to trap it and throw it into the building hallway but this guy was SO long legged that my usual cup wasn't able to safely trap it without capturing a leg or two (yes it was bigger than a glass!) so I had to do some fancy encouraging and finagling to get it into the cup without hurting it or letting it escape and then I got it out into the hallway and that's when I pretend that they will somehow never magically come back into my apartment!

So, yeah, I'm kind of really wishing that spiders could understand English, although I would very much like to make it clear that I do NOT want them to be able to speak.  No thank you.

Just, stay out of my face, and I'll leave you alone.  No bedroom, no kitchen, and like I get you making the webs but it's making me feel like I'm sloppy so... maybe, like... don't?  Ok thanks bye!

NO THANK YOU!

A couple of weeks ago, I woke up and had a triangle of red "marks" on my cheek.

My initial/first thought was "those are pimples from wearing my mask more again" but my second thought was "those might be bug bites?"

Which... is not a nice thought.

And then I googled.  "Triangle bug bites?" And?  Well.  That google did not go well.  Because the type of bug that bites in a triangle pattern is a mother frugging bed bug.  Oh my frigging god no.  Fuck fuck fuck.

I put lotion on the marks/bites/pimples/whatever they were and then stripped down my bed (which I was going to do laundry that day anyway but now FOR SURE I was going to).  I put my pillows in the window to air out and did my best to inspect my mattress for signs.

I didn't see any, but I was really really freaked out.

Flipped the mattress.  Aired everything out.  Washed ALL the things.  Kept trying to make the marks on my cheek go away.

I hoped they were flea bites.  Or mosquito.  Hell at this point I'd even be ok with spider bites.  Just not bed bugs.

I cringed going to bed that night.  But when I woke up in the morning the triangle of marks was gone and I found no other marks anywhere on my body and so I'm going to go back to my initial assumption that they were like blocked sweat glands due to.... I don't know, humidity or hormones or my mask or even a dirty pillow case? 

But yeah, no signs of bed bugs.  No new bites.  The marks went away.  I think I'm ok and free of bedbugs?  But yeah, no idea why my body decided I needed a triangle mark of bumps.  DID NOT LIKE!

(Oh and a few weeks later I was looking at bedding (for winter) and saw a mattress protector that claimed to keep bedbugs away and I wanted to be like "so the bedbugs know to stay on the other side of the mattress and not cross the barrier?  Sounds like magic!"  Like I'm not sure of the logic or purpose of this thing.  It keeps them off so they don't get to your mattress in the first place?  Or you put it on once you've had bed bugs to keep them contained?  Or it's just a marketing gimmick to make people buy it so they feel more secure?)

Years On

I'm at the end of a box of garbage bags and I only bring this up because it has a story attached to it!

When Covid lockdowns happened, I, like all of us, had no idea what was about to happen and we knew or felt that shipping would be impacted (especially with us living on an island here....as much as we tend to sort of forget we are) so I bought/ordered a box of 100 small garbage bags.  I figured that would get me through a while.

Well, that box has just kept going and going and the other day I noticed I was getting to the end of this box of garbage bags that I bought at the start of Covid lockdowns and I started to think about how long ago that was (even if it doesn't "feel" like it was that long ago) and then I tried to do some basic math.

I don't know quite how many bags are left in the box (they're in a roll, I'm not going to unroll the roll just to count!) but I'm going to pretend it's empty.

If I got the box the equivalent of 5 years ago and there are 12 months in a year, I apparently take garbage out approximately twice a month (give or take?)  Go figure!

I mean it makes sense I guess.  I live alone, so it's just me using things.  I have a compost for food waste.  I recycle paper, hard and soft plastics, metal and glass, and so there's not really an awful lot that I need to put into the garbage.  I still do produce garbage but I'm feeling kind of proud to know that I maybe don't throw out all that much?  Less than two bags a month?  That seems pretty good, no?

I'm sure my math isn't terribly accurate and more of a general ballpark but still it was a neat realization to kind of see something I'd never really thought about before. 

Again....

I was woken up by another smallish earthquake a week (minus two hours earlier) to the date of the last time I was woken up by an earthquake.

This... is not making me feel calm, and does not allow for a restful sleep once it happens.

So that's actually three small earthquakes here in the last week (and I'm sure multiple many more I just haven't noticed or heard about) and yeah, not loving that this has happened.  Unsettling at best, freaking scary at worst.

Misty, Watercoloured.....

The book I'm reading is about teens (but I don't think it's a YA novel?  Not that that matters, I love me a good YA read.) and for some reason whatever portion I was reading last night brought back a sudden memory for me.

I had a friend in high school, early grades I think, and somehow went to church with her.  The way I remember it is that I was likely sleeping over and they were a church family and I was there Sunday morning and so went with them.  I don't remember or know if they or I asked my parents if I could/should go or anything like that, I don't remember much other than I think for a while I went to the youth group there.

From the little I remember, it was on a whatever night, and was close enough to my house but my parents, I think, still drove me/picked me up.  I don't remember much of the religious/God stuff but I'm sure there was some, probably a reading and some conversation, but I do remember the socializing.

I remember thinking some boys were cute and probably attempting teenage flirting with them.  I think I remember maybe basketball games or other fun activities.  I remember an impression of the colour of the church (grey) and feeling like we were alone in the upper portion of this big building (because it would have been just the one or two adults I guess.) Maybe I even went camping with them one time?  (I know I went with my friend, I remember it was June and it snowed where we were, but I don't remember if it was a family trip or a youth group trip.)

I liked the youth group times.  I don't remember why I stopped going or when or much more about it all.  I know friendships grew and changed and slowed and ended in high school as there is, or was for me, at least, a lot of growing and changing going on.

But yeah, that was a strange memory to come back to me while reading last night.... the time in my teens when I went to a church youth group.

I could make some semi snarky comment about how the sermons clearly didn't work on me or something but honestly all my memories of that are positive and fun and I don't know if youth groups are still a thing anymore, but hanging out with young people doing fun things on a (I assume) weekend evening was a great thing.  I think it was great to have a guided group to hang out with and although it may have been limited for me, I guess I'm glad it was in my life.  Even if I outgrew it or moved on or who knows what.

Memories.  Funny things they can be.  I'm not sure I would have remembered this portion of my teenage years if not for whatever part of this book flushed out the memory.

Ow. Oh? Hmmm

I hold a lot of tension in my jaw muscles.

I'm not sure it's quite TMJ but over the year that term has been thrown around.

Randomly, years ago, a massage person I'd tried when my own wasn't available threw on a finger glove and did some massage of my jaw.  It frigging HURT.  Like tears hurt but it was also sort of a relief, but in the years since then I've not ever purposely asked a massage person to work on my jaw.

Until this month.

I was scrolling the interwebs and some lady mentioned that she had just had a buccal massage and that while it had been painful it had also been so relaxing she fell asleep in the massage therapists hands.

I googled "buccal" and it came up as being related to the jaw and for whatever reason(s) it got me thinking maybe I should deal with my own jaw strain and stress (and the fact I have cracked a few teeth from clenching and grinding) and so I made an appointment with a new to me person *specifically* for jaw release massage stuff.  

Fast forward to the appointment and I'm glad I had that initial massage years ago because I knew what was coming.  It hurts.  Like stings kind of hurt but the therapist was good at talking me through what was happening and how long it would be and giving me options.  That helped.

I didn't cry, but I think I teared up a couple of times.  I'm not sure I felt any instant changes and I maybe had a bit of a headache that evening from the release.  But what I *did* notice was when I had to yawn later that day and I swear it was the biggest yawn, open mouth wise, that I have had in years.

So it seems pretty clear that some muscles or something got loosened.  I'm back again this week and then we'll see how things go from there.

So yeah... working on my thumb (wrist) and my jaw.  Small muscles and tendons that can have a huge impact on your physical comfort and mobility!

Well, Isn't That Nice?

We had a little earthquake Thursday morning... like 4am.  

I felt it but I'm not entirely sure if it woke me up or if I was in a very light sleep phase and kind of already awake so noticed it, but either way, I felt it.

And in my sleepy state, the actual thought I had was "well that's a nice little earthquake!" as in, awww isn't it sweet and gentle and small/short?  

I woke up a bit more after that and got actually out of bed, and as the sleep wore off and the anxiety kicked in I was worried about potential aftershocks, even though it had indeed felt like not a very large quake.  I checked my phone in the kitchen to see if anyone had texted but no one had so I took myself back to bed where I had a hard time falling asleep.

Which I suppose makes sense, that adrenaline type worry would have had my system less in sleep mode and more in "we're running from a tiger?" mode I suppose.

My brain wanted to go over my *actual* earthquake plans and then it wanted to talk about the worst case earthquake situation but I tried to steer myself away from that and managed to get back to sleep at some point (with my teddy bear in my arms for what it's worth.)

Some people slept right through it it seems, others woke and were frustrated with their spouse for "shaking the bed" and some were woken by it like I assume I was.

I do have what I hope is reasonable earthquake supplies in a kit and I did check that kit not too long ago.  I also am pretty sure I wrote myself a note of "here's what to do and here are some numbers" or something like that, but honestly, the state of my brain when the shaking was happening wasn't at a place of doing much of anything and I have to wonder if that's maybe ok at least initially?  Or at least for a small shake like this.

I got a text from my SIL asking if I'd felt it and that was sweet (it did hit the news after all.)

But yeah "a nice little earthquake" is not on the form you fill out to tell the organizations if you felt the earthquake, go figure!

Sharing The Happy

We have a lot of deer here.  Like, a lot.  

Even though I see them very regularly I still find them cute (but from a distance!) and neat to watch and the babies are always adorable and the bucks are always kind of not so smart (especially when rutting!) but I'm also sort of used to them.

But I know that non locals may not be, so last week, I was walking down my street and saw the family of deer that have been around all Summer.  I then walked a bit further and saw a lady with a giant camera and her partner looking around outside their hotel.

I assumed they were not local and I assumed she was looking for cool things to take photos of so I stopped, popped out my earbud and let her know that just up the road were some deer, and I pointed in the direction I'd just come.

She seemed excited and headed off in that direction and I continued on my way but I do hope she got some good photos and that it was a nice treat or surprise for them to see some deer.

I'd hope that people in other countries would do the same for me with whatever animals they're used to but that a visitor might be stoked to see, you know?

Mysteriously Annoying

Some noises just bug me.

I'm sure it's the same for most people, and sure, depending on whatever, I can sometimes ignore certain sounds but other times not so much.

Like the last few days, there has been some kind of low rumbling type noise that I can't figure out and would like to have stop.

It's nearby (as in not the Grumbler planes across the water we sometimes hear here) so maybe in my building or one of the buildings near me... and I've heard it before but hearing it now doesn't make as much sense.

Have you ever had a big truck, like transport type truck idle near you?  And they kind of make a noise?  Rumbbbbbble.....  Or like an industrial fan?  Brrrrrrrrrrrr.....

It's... something like that.

When I heard it months ago I assumed it was an air conditioner unit or a big fan, like it felt safe to assume it was someone trying to be cooler.  But this noise was here all weekend this last weekend and it was not, in my opinion, warm enough to run fans or air conditioners.

I could see no big trucks.

It wasn't our laundry machines.

The "I'm really annoyed by this" came and went but the rumble was just at enough of a level to get under my skin... with the addition of curiously wondering what was/is making that noise also bugging me a bit!

I'm sure it'll stop eventually and I may not even notice the absence but "sounds like a big truck idling and/or a fan" noise is apparently not my brain's favourite!

Honestly my bet is that it's a giant dryer fan of some sort (maybe related to the construction next door....???? just had that thought) but the tone of the rumble reminds me of a delivery truck parked down the road. 

Bodies, Man, I Tells Ya!

A few weeks ago my thumb started to hurt.

Yeah, that's a weird spot to have hurt, I know!  It wasn't all the time, it was just occasionally, like when reaching for something but the pain is INTENSE when it happens.

Like sharp, burning, make you want to swear kind of sudden, instant pain.

On the "outside" of my one thumb.  What?

It's not a constant thing so I'd forget about it and then do something "innocent" like reaching for a plate in the cupboard and BAM!  (ow ow ow ow ow ow ow!)

I considered getting like a splint and I worried it was age related arthritis and not "fixable" or something but I decided to be smart and make a physio appointment.  (After dealing with the pain for a few weeks....)

I've since been to said physio and their best guess is a type of tendinitis around the sort of arm/wrist area that I have "caught" early enough that the pain hasn't spread yet.  

So now I have exercises to do (and heat to use if I want, and same for anti inflammatories if I want) and another appointment next week to hopefully have some progress.

As I was chatting with the physio about possible causes, it did occur to me that I have recently changed my thyroid medication a little bit and that that can mess with joints and tendons so maybe my body is like uber sensitive and I changed some internal stuff while maybe using my phone too much or something ordinarily innocuous (they call this "mommy wrist" as apparently new mothers get this injury from lifting their baby out of the crib... go figure) or maybe I am just... you know, in a body that is aging or maybe a combo of all sorts of things but what I'm focussing on is that I'm on it and going to work to make this really not nice pain stop happening.

So yeah.  If you suddenly start to get a burning thumb pain sometimes?  Go see that physio sooner rather than later eh?

Falling (Again)

Well, it's Fall.  Autumn.  The next season in our little cycle up here.

I've already noticed a few changes that told me as much even if I weren't looking at a calendar.

Sure, we're still in shoulder season and I've had a few nights of throwing off the covers (too warm) and the forecast is calling for some warmth this week (maybe even tomorrow) but I haven't used my big fans in weeks and same for my portable A/C unit.

The air in the mornings has a bit of a bite to it and I've maybe even seen my breath in the air.

The days are noticeably shorter in length which has already confused my brain, especially in the evenings (I see the darkness outside and my brain goes "BED?" but then I look at the clock and no, not bed, not close to bed at all... sigh) which probably means the (stupid) time change is coming soon to mess with my brain even more.

So some shorter days and some cooler morning temps have quietly suggested summer is heading out.  And now it's officially no longer summer and maybe I'll pull out my Blundstones soon or maybe I'll start wearing more layers (even though they tend to come off once I'm out and about.)

So, yeah.... end of September.  Working hard not to stress about future months and all the things to come (as that's what anxiety likes to try to do.)

Happy Fall.

Zoning Out While Zoning In?

Ok so this is a weird one and I'm aware it's a weird one which is why I started out by saying it's a weird one, you see?!

So I play some of those free online word games, like the one that got popular during lockdown and then was bought out by an American news organization?  And then they have some other games and I play a few most mornings, kind of to get my brain going maybe?  Although anecdotally I notice a difference on days where I'm not doing well or didn't sleep well I usually bomb the games on those days... which I find kind of interesting.

Aaaaaanyway.... there is one of these games that is a like pattern/colour matching game and I have NO idea why but at some point last year I was playing it and started thinking about a co-worker I have a little bit of difficulty with.  Like I was probably playing the game and letting my mind wander while I looked for patterns and my brain probably wandered to work that day and I probably thought "oh man, I have to follow up with Person... ugh... I don't want to" kind of thing.  At least that's my guess.

But the issue is that now whenever I play that game my brain thinks of that Person.  Even on weekends and days off.  Even when I don't have to interact with them or things are smooth with them.  It's a really annoying association that I don't really want to have every damn day you know?

So I'm trying to change that and trying to replace that thought with some other thought but I can't think of anything positive/fun that feels as "trapped in my brain" like engaging.  But I mean I'll keep trying because I find it pretty damn frustrating that my brain thinks of this person pretty much every time I play this game and I don't need that reminder.

The Frustrations Of Human Nature

I just checked (in my tracking system) and I've been going to these water aerobics fitness classes since the end of April.  I'd wondered about them for a while and am really glad that I was accidentally in the pool right before one was starting and had the time to and got up the courage to attend one.

It's clearly a form of exercise that works for me since I keep going back to it, and my body is getting stronger and more flexible/mobile and I assume my cardio is improving too, but like most importantly to me, I keep going.  That's a big deal for me.

But there is never a day when I actually *want* to go in the hour or so leading up to when I have to leave to head to the pool.  

Even though I don't hate the exercise.  Even though I sometimes if not often enjoy it.  Even though it seems to be helping my body and I love that I get my exercise done all in one go and even though it's pleasant and I love being in the water and it's generally a good time and I usually feel better (emotionally) after, even with all that, I still never really want to go.

It's not like I'm chomping at the bit with excitement that I GET TO GO WORK OUT IN THE POOL NOW!  Nope.  I have to battle myself in my head every time like "you know you'll feel better after and worse if you don't go" and "just get it done, ignore these thoughts and go get changed".  I like have to push myself to go every time and it's kind of frustrating.  I'll sometimes even get intense anxiety about it, and then have to push through that and let me tell you it sucks!

I know we're all different, we humanoid type creatures so I imagine there are people who love their exercise, who just chomp at the bit to get it to it... their running or cycling or weightlifting or whatever.  Maybe I've been one of those people before and/or maybe I will be at another point but mostly I'm battling my own inertia and comfort to push myself to get the thing done and over with and then I feel all better after and forget that I ever didn't want to go and then it all generally repeats the next time.  So funny, this human existence thing eh?