Wait, There's Two Of You?

"Wait, there's TWO of you?" is not something I EVER thought I'd be saying in bed!

But... here we are, and I did indeed shout this in bed last night.

To be clear, however, it was not at any humans (for better or worse) but was at two damn spiders on the floorboard that I could see *from* my bed.

These damn spiders.  These big legged thin ones that make the messiest web/nests and that keep coming back to the same handful of spaces in my place!

I have a small wall radiator in my bedroom (it's rarely, if ever on FWIW) and for the last month or so a spider has occasionally been spotted there when I get in to bed at night to read.

I've been leaving this spider because, well, I'm in bed and it feels like a lot of effort to get out, put on something, find a glass and a piece of cardboard, trap the spider, walk it to the hallway, put things away, get undressed, get back into bed and get resettled.  So... I've left it alone.

But last night, I got into bed, looked over and saw that suspicious something (it looks like a bit of dust, they're quite thin spiders) and as I was looking at the first spider I saw another one not far away from the first which led me to yell THERE'S TWO OF YOU????? which I then thought was very funny as, well, again, not something I ever thought I'd be saying in bed. Heh.

I did, however, grab my swiffer and push them around into the dark spot of the radiator so I could pretend to forget about them but I also swept up the messy webs they'd built (it's like I can't go two days without knocking them down, they're very prolific in their building...sigh).  But I mean I get the whole "spiders eat bugs" thing but then I saw a baby silverfish on my wall that the two of them hadn't even eaten so if you're going to hang out in my spaces, you at least need to do your job no????

Le sigh.

Also, I assumed spiders were more territorial than that but what do I know.  (Will google it.)  And then that also got me thinking about spider replication because like I assume these ones are maybe all related, same brood and so do they um, like, you know, make babies with their siblings/offspring?   But anyway... I'll google that too.

Oh Come ON! (Self)

Canada Post has gone on strike (which I am fully supportive of) and my current brain situation got me into a little bit of a less than ideal situation (which I fully YELLED at myself over at the time.)

So convoluted (not really?) story but one of my heart bands is the Tragically Hip and I have worn my concert t-shirts so much that they are starting to wear and I wanted to preserve them so I ordered some new ones from their online store (or should I say... gift shop, ha... no but really that's what they call it and also the name of a song which is why they call it that but anyway.)

Well it turns out that the size I bought at their shows are not the same sizes that are sold on line (aka a medium is now a small and no it's not a *me* thing I measured it against my old shirts).  So I reached out to them and even though they have a no return policy they said they'd make an exception for me (which I probably shouldn't mention online, um oops, pretend they said no I guess?) which I felt really relieved about as the shirts were sort of like "you could wear this at a bar but not comfortably out and about" sort of tight (I later discovered I might have unknowingly ordered a youth size but we'll ignore that for now because I'm still not entirely sure on that...) and while they weren't terribly expensive it was still about $60.

So Canada Post went on strike Friday morning and their website said that some offices might still be open so I packaged the shirts back up and walked to my closest post office with my fingers crossed but they weren't accepting packages at all (it's a post office inside another store so they were still kind of staffed but I don't think by postal workers.)

So I went across the street to a UPS and figured it'd be a few more bucks to ship that way but it was within the country so wouldn't be too much. 

And here's where things didn't go well, all on my own self.

There was some giant form I had to fill out and this was making me feel uncomfortable in the small store with other people doing the same.  So I filled it out as best I could and handed it over with the really tiny package (seriously they had them in the smallest package, such tight folds!) and she typed in all my information and then said "and that will be forty one dollars."  Me, in my brain UH NO!

But... me out loud "isn't there anything cheaper?"  Her:  no.

Me.  Oh.

Me inside my head "NO NO NO.  Don't do it.  Say no.  Hold on to the shirts.  Maybe the strike won't take that long.  This is more than one entire shirt cost!  You will lose money.  Don't do this, this is not smart. STOP".

Also me inside my head "The Hip store is already doing me a favour saying I could return the items when they don't *do* returns, I have to get it back to them.  I can't upset them." (This is people pleasing and social anxiety in action folks!). And also me in my head "well she's typed it in to the system now I can't back out now, I'd look stupid. I have to follow through, I started this.  And it needs to get back to Ontario."

Me in person.... saying nothing but shaking my head.

Me in my head "No, stop.  Tell her no.  Back up.  You don't have to do this.  Please don't.  Just don't."

Me, in person, paying.... forty fucking dollars to return two shirts that cost me $60 to buy. 

I got my receipt and walked out and was SO so so so so angry at myself.

It took me HOURS to calm down.  To stop blaming myself because well the only person to blame is myself.  And to "get over" "losing" money when I am always anxious about money and the purchase was a bit of a non-necessary one to begin with.

I was enraged.  At myself.  Which doesn't help.  Like at all. 

I did calm down eventually and have gotten to a point of "well it's *only* forty bucks... sigh" kind of thing but man oh man it is incredibly frustrating to be your own worst enemy and to even have a thought in your head but then to feel like unable to follow through because there's equal pressure from other thoughts in your head.

I'll be bringing this up with my counsellor this week and I suppose it will come down to saying I'm extra stressed right now and so to give myself some grace and leeway for not handling it how I might have another time.

So as a heads up for any of my fellow Canadians.... if you're trying to send something during this Canada Post strike time, I'd ask for the cost first before going ahead and filling out the paperwork.  And UPS is likely going to be outrageously expensive and not have many options for you (Canada Post generally has a few varying options you can choose for for shipping type and speed.)

Le sigh.

Not loving my brain sometimes (especially right now), you know?

Uh, No.

I just had a bit of a probably legit panic.

I have a plant (a type of dracaena I think.... long and leggy both in stalk and leaves) and the leaves started yellowing quite suddenly.  I know I'm prone to over watering so after a few days of watching and seeing more leaves go I thought I might check things out a little more closely.

So I went over to the plant and lifted it from its catch plate base thing and you guys?  THERE WERE CRITTERS!  Like little tiny squirming like I don't even know what, grubs?  Larvae?  MINISCULE  LITTLE TINY WRIGGLING ALIVE THINGS THAT I DID NOT WANT TO BE THERE OMG WHAT THE ACTUAL SWEAR WORD?

(Just to say never in all the years of having house plants have I ever seen anything like this and I'm very grateful for that and hope to never again.)

So I first of all HASTILY murdered those things and cleaned out the base and then the sink and then I set about repotting this thing because who KNOWS what else was still in the soil amiright?????

Now not that long ago my neighbour let me know that store bought soil can often have fungus gnat eggs in it so the internet told me to sterilize that soil with boiling water (instructions available if you google for it) and so I set about doing that while getting rid of the old soil and for the first time in my life actually washing off the roots as I've seen "plant people" online doing.  The roots didn't look in great shape to me but what do I know so I let fall off whatever wanted to fall off....

Then I put the new sterilized soil into the sterilized pot and I'm sure I could have done more and better but I'm really hoping that my plant is happier and does well in the next few months (I know it's not the ideal time for repotting but OMG BUGS!) and I am not going to continue to google for what those creatures might have been and I hope to never see them again and I hope I didn't just murder my plant while trying to save it from bug based murder.... you know?

So yeah, probably a more legit thing to be freaking out about rather than the general state of the world and my friend's mental well being plus something I can actually do something about.  (Hopefully.)

But also, GAH!

Oh Boy

I know that I'm under quite a lot of stress right now and that my brain and internal system isn't working at its full capacity but I was just adding things to my grocery list and couldn't remember the name for celery.

I could *picture* it in my mind and knew that it was crunchy and green and long and that I *should* know the name of it but for what felt like quite a long time my brain just could NOT come up with any word even close to what that thing is called.

Thankfully I got there, wrote it on my list and then immediately came here to memorialize this moment.

Le sigh.

Lady. Bug.

I got home from the gym the other day and was washing my hands when I found (with a little jump scare) a ladybug on my arm.  Now I had had a jacket *over* that jacket (layers man) so I'm not sure how or when it got on me but I assumed it landed on me outside and I brought it inside.

Now ladybugs do have excellent PR as if this had been any other creepy crawly I would not have had such a positive/gentle reaction.

I apologized to the ladybug for being initially scared and said I would help it get outside but it flew off.

I tried to follow it but couldn't and then I tried to scan around the direction they'd gone but no luck.  I was worried as my windows have screens on them and I didn't know how it would make its way outside again without my help and I wasn't able to see it anymore.

Not that much later, I was sitting by my window and out of the corner of my eye I saw that ladybug on the screen!  OH YAY!  I moved to open the screen to let it out but it was already on the outside of the screen.

Which begs the question... was it the same ladybug?  Did it find some hole in my wall/window that it escaped out of?  (And could other not so happy bugs use that same escape route to get in?)

I of course have no idea if it was the same one or a coincidental second one but I do hope that the little cutie that was on my arm found its way back outside in some way as I haven't seen it anywhere inside since it first flew away.

This Too Shall Pass?

So I am not well you guys.

And ordinarily I'd try to ride it out and either not have the energy to write or I'd write about completely other things but this time it feels pretty consuming.

A combination of the US election and my own feelings around that (and that of most everyone in my circle to an extent) and then Jason being pushed over an edge by it all, or by whatever's going on for him in his life and so effectively losing him as a safe person and as someone who has been a support for me for a decade and being really worried not just about him but for our friendship and myself within that, I'm not doing well.

I have moments/times of being kind of ok and when I feel that way I try to do the highly necessary things as best I can.  I'm terrified that I'm forgetting and missing things and I don't feel like I'm keeping up with tasks and activities so I'm trying to do the things that can't or shouldn't really be ignored.  But I'm having some intense anxiety and some horrific depression and it's taking a lot to be functional and slightly more than functional when I need to be.

I am coping at work (I hope) but not getting all the things done, so like I brought some paperwork home and then spilled tea all over it so... you know, not ideal.  It's hard to be really good at a job when you're not really sleeping and you're fighting the loss of certain ideals you'd held and people around you are flailing in their own way and you can't really fix or help ANY of it.

I imagine this won't last forever and things won't feel like this forever and I am trying to take things day by day as best I can but wow, I am not at my best and I don't feel solid the grand majority of the time right now.

Ok, But What I Meant Was....!

Sometimes I like to throw little "happy bombs" at people, even when I'm maybe struggling and think others might be too.

Like last weekend, this weekend?  You know, the weekend that just happened.... ahem.... I was walking downtown and saw a guy stopping to let his dog sniff and then pee on a pole.  I smiled to myself thinking about how dogs get and give information with their pees and then smelling the other dogs' pees and so I smiled, made eye contact with the guy and said "your dog's texting all the other dogs eh?!" and I kept walking (which I always do, I'm not trying to interrupt anyone's day just hopefully spread a little happy?)

The guy looked at me rather strangely and in that moment I realized he maybe had no idea about all the articles I've seen online recently about how important "sniff time" is for dogs for their brains and their energy and their... everything and as I kept walking away I thought that maybe this guy is now wondering what on earth that lady was talking about with dogs and phones and texting!

So, I mean, my brain doesn't always come up with things to say that make sense to anyone else but hey, the thought was there and like seriously... it's totally like that dog was sending a text message to a bunch of other dogs who will read it later!  (Get it, get it?)

Ahem.

So, That Happened

So the American election went the way I didn't want it to go.  I'm not ok.  Most of my family, friends and loved ones (and colleagues and acquaintances) are not ok.  I don't want to breach the privacy of someone you don't really (hopefully) know but I think it might have pushed Jason over the edge (if the calls I got at the end of last week are any indication) which means I am really really really not ok.

I am trying to be present and mindful and "here now" but functioning is proving difficult.  Not kidding. The idea of procuring, making and eating food is overwhelming.  But so is the idea of ordering in or doing takeout.  But food is fuel.  Food is good for me.  Food is something I "should" do.  And more than just the junk food type snacks I have munched on here and there.

Yesterday was Remembrance Day and I feel like all those people who gave the sacrifice of their life for a better, safer, kinder world gave their lives in vain.  That's not fair to say but it's feeling that way right now.  We are better than this.  The collective "we" of humanity.  And to be feeling like I'm wrong in that belief is killing me.  

And no, Canada's not some magic safe haven, just look at how our last provincial election went and how our next federal election is likely to go.  Fear and hate (and greed) are taking over and I don't feel like I can even fry an egg for lunch when everything is THIS not ok.

God I miss the days of two weeks ago when there was still hope, even if I was telling myself not to hope.  The reality of what has happened is feeling like a slap in the face of any amount of hope I was allowing to breathe.

I'm Really Surprised

I may have mentioned it but I've had a thumb/wrist tendinitis issue that I've been dealing with (with a physio) for the last couple of months.

There are exercises I do at home and I recently went up from using 3 lb weights to 5 lb weights and I am completely, utterly shocked and surprised at HOW much HEAVIER I'm finding them.

Like I swear I keep checking to see if they're accidentally 10 lb weights they are SO so so so SO frigging heavy.

I'm mind blown by how much heavier using a 5 lb weight is than using a 3 lb weight.  It doesn't make sense to my brain but there you have it.

Absolutely crazy.

(And yes I will mention this to my physio when I see them!)

Addendum:  Mentioned it to the physio and they kind of chuckled and said that yes it is a heavier weight but also I would never be going up to like 20 lbs and that they're small little muscles that we're working on so it's all good.

Meow, Meow , Flop

Cats are a bit of a mystery to me, never having had much experience with them.

I've had a few over the last decade who won my hearts but I still find cat language mystifying.

I know the basics, and I do not rub bellies, despite how tempting that is, but like there's a cat in the neighbourhood (I don't actually think cats should be allowed out and about but it's a benefit for me that they are!) that I have sensibly named "orange cat" (I'll let you guess why) and orange cat has started to allow me (?) to interact with him (I assume... not willing to attempt to find out!)

This cat will head in my general direction when I "pss pss pss" and like acknowledge me and then flop over onto its side in a way I see as a "hello, I like you, you can pet me" so I do but then he leaves.  And then the other day he walked up to me and then stopped directly in my path to sniff at something and I had to stop walking to not boot/trip over him but like... that seemed entirely on purpose!

So yeah, I may have a cat friend, I may not at all, I have no idea but I like to think he likes me, you know?

Travelling For Candy?

I know we're a week past it now, but I'm still thinking about Halloween.

I don't get trick or treaters in my place so I contributed candy to Jason's place and he kept me informed on the comings and goings there.

Seems there were a lot of parents in costume which I think is awesome!  And seems like a fair number of folks drove in from quite (in my opinion) far away to trick or treat in his neighbourhood.

I don't know how I feel about this because for me, my trick or treating route was up hitting one side and then the other of my rather long street (at least it seemed long as a kid!) and that was it.  When I hit slightly older ages, I had a few years of being dropped off at a friend's house who lived in a subdivision (a relatively NEW thing at the time!) and trick or treating there (and being terrified by older kids - teens, I assume) setting off fireworks at each other.  But I don't ever remember it being a thing that you left your own neighbourhood. As in, you'd trick or treat where you lived or within your school catchment area.

I assume that the places these folks travelled in from (probably a half an hour drive) houses are far apart and so you don't get as much bang for your trick or treating buck but I don't know... it sort of pushes my buttons of selfless generosity somehow.

Am I being old and crotchety?  I don't know.  I suppose I'll just say that I feel very lucky for the trick or treating memories I made when I was a kid and I'm happy that I could spread some candy joy to kids.  

Is this a thing where you are?  Did you ever do this?  As a kid?  As a parent?  Am I "old guy yelling at clouds"?

How Worried Should I Be?

I was just drying off after a shower and discovered a nasty bruise at the back of one leg.

Like one of those bruises that is purple and red and all sorts of nasty colours and hurts to touch?  Yeah, one of those.

And I have no idea how I got it.

Now just because I don't remember hurting that spot doesn't mean I *didn't* hurt that spot.  But it also doesn't mean I did?

Like is it a pinch?  Did I hit it on something and have forgotten?  Is it some terrible indication of something bad happening at the back of my one leg?  I don't KNOWWWWWWW.

So I put some arnica on it and am trying to just assume it was some injury I immediately forgot about.  Ahem.

Unknown

Most of the time when I write posts, I'm writing them in advance of posting.  As in, it isn't as often that I write things as they happen (but that is occasionally the case.)

I mention this because as I'm writing this, we know that the American election is happening/about to happen, and so while I don't want to talk about politics (although I'm betting it's easy enough to figure out where my vote would go were I an American) I do want to say that I know today's post is scheduled for the day after American election day and I don't know what to say about it so.... place holder post I guess?

Our election we just had was stressful enough, I really wish I didn't live so close to a country that was going through whatever the he** America is going through of late.

So perhaps I'll write some really lightweight posts to post for the remainder of the week just in case I/we need that.... or don't need it but enjoy it anyway.

Time. Change.

Except this time I wrote myself a note to remember to change the clock in my car so that when I leave to go to work this morning I won't freak out that I'm late! (Or early?  I can't think through how it works....)

(But still... we all know how I, and many others!!!!, feel about all this changing of the times.... le sigh)

Oh Dear....

While I try to be mindful of judging others, I have to say that I cringe every time I see someone barefoot in the showers/washroom/change room at the pool.

Happy Halloween

I would wish you a "happy half price chocolate day tomorrow" but I don't think that's happening anymore (and I did actually see one store where the fine print on the Halloween goodies said something like 'prices will not reduce after the 31st' so... *sad trombone*.

One of the aqua fit instructors earlier this week put some Halloween themed songs on their playlist and I thought that was really cute and fun.

One of those songs was Thriller (by Michael Jackson) and that night I lay in bed thinking about how much that video meant when that song came out.

I know it's hard to look back at celebrities we admired who have come to be known for bad things and Michael Jackson is one of those.  But man... I remember how amazing that video was.  (Are there still tv stations that are all about music?  I think not?). MJ looking like a ghoul/zombie... the dancing, the story, Vincent Price, the *length* of the music video, the song, just all of it.  It was one of those "stop what you're doing and watch this" kind of things and I remember it being such a big deal and so awesome in so many ways.

The instructor also played the Monster Mash which was fun and I was half waiting for something from the Rocky Horror Picture Show but that didn't happen.  All in all I thought it was fun that the instructor took some time to try to make a thematic playlist and it sure made me smile.

I Didn't Know You Could Do That!

I slow motion hit my head.

You know those times when you bash your head on something and it stings and hurts and you know there's going to be a bump and you even maybe check for blood to see if you cut yourself?  Most often, I find, this happens when you stand up into something.  And usually it happens quickly.  Know what I mean?

Yeah, so I was getting changed after swimming the other day and was reaching down slowly to grab one of my shoes, like I really wasn't in a rush or anything, and you know that part of a locker that sticks out so that when you close the locker you can slide your lock through it?  Well as I was in slow motion bending over to grab my shoe, my head hit (I swear, slowly) into that thing.

Ow. (I thought)

I straightened back up (don't remember if I grabbed the shoe, doesn't really matter!) and touched my head immediately wondering if there was blood as it hurt quite a bit.  I was really surprised because I don't remember ever hitting the top of my head while bending in a downwards motion so there was some level of internal confusion.  

I knew right away what I'd hit but I was surprised it had happened and that it hurt so much for not being done very quickly or, I thought, particularly hard?

By the time I got back home I had mostly forgotten about it, until I went to wash my hair and then OW, there's a lump!  Holy smokes, I really did hit it quite hard then!?

A few days later and the lump is still there and sore to the touch but yeah, hurting the top of your head in slow motion is a really weird feeling.

Who?

Sweet moment in water fitness class last week....

The instructors bring their own playlists and the music can really vary.

Last week one of the playlists was fairly... I don't know, rock heavy?  And at one point a Bruce Springsteen song came on and the instructor said, hey, The Boss is coming to Vancouver!  And one of the ladies looked quite, almost... shocked?  And looked around, and then finally called out "Who is the boss??"  And the instructor must not have really heard her because he just replied with "yeah, he's the boss" until a couple of us tried to help out by calling out to her "Bruce Springsteen is The Boss!"

I don't expect everyone to know all singers/bands at all, and I thought it was quite endearing that she was trying to figure out which "boss" was coming to Vancouver.  Like the boss of the pool?  That wouldn't make sense.... So maybe the "boss" of the country?  (The Prime Minister?)

And then of course my brain had to go "That's a tv show! Who's the Boss!"  because brains, you know?  They do their own thing.

The Feed Fed Me

Social media algorithms have a tendency to show you more of the things you look at and so over the last little while I've been "seeing" more videos about keeping up your mobility as you age.  (Most of these folks showing the moves and stretches and exercises are older.)

At some point, these videos made me start worrying that I couldn't do things anymore.  Namely, run.

I might have been a fast runner when I was a kid and as an adult I did running groups and races for a while but I never came to enjoy it and I eventually stopped.  I was never particularly quick or anything, but for me it was about the fitness rather than the speed.

But in my head I just always think that I can run, I just don't.

But then I started to (over) think about it and I thought... hmmm, I really haven't been doing much and my body isn't getting stronger or healthier on its own.  What if I CAN'T run anymore?

Like can't pick up my legs enough to do it?  

And I'm not talking about "go run a marathon" more like "uh oh Zombies, can I outrun them?"  And right now it feels like my answer is no, and I'm actually more concerned about the physical mechanics of it than the cardio (I know my cardio isn't ideal currently.)

So I started to think about maybe trying to run like on purpose, like on a treadmill or something and I still might but I'm happy to say that I "jogged" across streets to get out of the path of a turning car just to sort of see if I could and, yes, I can still do the physical motions of running.

This "issue" in my head may also have come from witnessing my Mom turn to jog towards me and trip over her runners/the sidewalk... a really hard image to have in my head and one that I think my brain/body got kind of stuck on and tried to apply to myself.  But I am also aware that with bodies, it's easy to lose what we were able to do, and it happens faster than you think.

I know I lost a LOT of fitness and strength and mobiilty over this last decade with my mental health and then lockdowns and the pandemic and all of those things combined.

I am starting to get some strength and mobility back and I'm trying to work on it all the time (knowing I forget some days) and I may still try some jogging, even though I dislike it, in part to show myself I can but also for a bit more cardio and some weight bearing too.  

But I suppose this is also a reminder that with life and especially with social media and other systems that have algorithms that what you see will bring you more of what you're seeing and then you'll see more of that and so don't watch or interact with the things that upset you or stress you or make you like life less.

Overthunk

On my work days, I usually drive by a school that has one of those scrolling information signs.

Like where the words scroll and tell the students (I assume?) things they need to know like "Prom tickets on sale tomorrow" or whatever.  

A few months ago I noticed that the sign was glitchy.  And I noticed it being glitchy the next few weeks.

I thought to myself "I wonder if they know?" but figured that someone must have told them.

But then I wondered if all of us thought the same thing?  Like... "I won't call them or email them because someone probably already told them and I'd just be annoying." And then if everyone thinks someone else has told them maybe no one ever actually told them?

So I half had this debate with myself for several weeks... do they know?  They must know....?  What if we all thought someone else told them and so they don't know?

I mean all this to say the sign is not currently working right now,  and I have to assume they're waiting for someone to come fix it, but yeah, it's funny to be aware of the overthinking as it's happening and to wonder if others are also overthinking in a similar way.