Sultans of Swing

One of the things that I think really hooked me with the water fitness classes is the fact that it's done to music.

I know that's kind of obvious if you've done fitness classes before, most of them play music, but A) I haven't done a group fitness class in maybe forever and B) the music really got to me - as in I've always been a bit of a water baby and I grew up dancing, which is moving your body to music and for the first however months of water fitness, I legitimately cried at some point, to some song, during class.

It's like that feeling of being free in my body (it's easier to move in water than on land, your weight is lessened, eh?) and moving to music after so long of not just really impacted me emotionally.

But this post isn't quite about that, it's about a thought I had that arose from some of the songs one of the instructors has played.

Some of them will repeat a playlist for a while and so you may hear the same song for a few weeks in a row and in the case of what I'm babbling about here it was Sultans of Swing by Dire Straits.

I'm a MASSIVE fan of music from the 60s and 70s and so have listened to a lot of it and watched and read a fair bit about the musicians and talent as well.

So as I'm grooving away to this song and listening to Mark Knopfler's absolutely stunning guitar work, my brain started to zone out and think about things and that's where this post comes in.

The music of that era was full of some incredibly talented artists.  Knopfler is one of them certainly, as are folks like Joni Mitchell, and many others that specifically all of the other artists of the time talk about admiring.

Like I've seen interviews of really well known and talented folks from that time talking with reverence about the talent of person X or group Y and I know there was a lot of overlap and friendships (and romances) but as I was exercising away to this song I started to wonder if that is happening "these days".

I mean I know we have some big names these days and I mean no disrespect at all, and maybe it's just me being an "old fogey" but it feels like these big names are teams.  Are productions.   And not that there's anything wrong with that, but do they sit and talk about how they are in awe of the raw talent of Big Artist?

Maybe those interviews are out there and I just haven't seen them.  Or maybe it's because we're still in the middle of their prime and the documentaries haven't come out yet (although I have watched documentaries about certain bit names and I've personally been less than impressed.)

There are "modern" pop artists that I think are very talented.  But I don't (yet?) feel about them the same way I feel about musical artists from the 60s and 70s.

Is that me romanticizing an era gone by?  I suppose it could be.

But I also think that the industry has changed SO SO very much that maybe it's less about that raw, stunning skill, and more about something else.

And, yes, I'm treading somewhat delicately here, not wanting to ruffle feathers or be offensive.  It's over simplifying to say "music was better back then" because I'm not exactly talking about the MUSIC.  I'm talking about the talent and skill behind the music and wondering if the industry changed in such a way that we'll never again have what we had in that golden age, you know?

And yeah, I'm only a little sorry if you now have Sultans of Swing stuck in your head!

More Deep Thoughts*

*(Anyone else remember Jack Handey?)

I was thinking about the absolute power of words and the choice we all make with how we say what we're saying.

See, the other day my dental office contacted me and said they needed to change my appointment and would I be able to come in earlier in the day.  This new time conflicted with my work hours but I wanted to keep it on that day and with that hygenist so I said it was fine and I then booked the time off work.

Then I started to think about what I would tell people if anyone asked why I had missed work (spoiler, no one did).  "Oh, I had to go to the dentist," I might say.  You know, HAD to... an imposition... implying that I didn't want to and wasn't thrilled about missing work.

But to my brother I joked "Aw shucks, I have to miss work!" with a tone that said haha I didn't want to go to work and so I'm only pretending to be upset!

Then my brain went even more into thinky mode.  

The fact is that I was not at work because I was at the dentist.

I didn't *have* to go at that time, but I wanted to.  But saying I "had" to go is like a way of protecting against any perceived judgment that I wanted to miss work.

If anyone had asked me, the most simple answer to "why weren't you at work yesterday" would be "I was at the dentist."

That's presenting fact, not editorializing with "had" to or "got" to or "needed" to. 

I think I did feel some guilt knowing that I was happy enough to have the time off of work even though going to the dentist stresses me out, and so to assuage that guilt I said something like "oh the dentist needed me to come in earlier," which is also true, but internally felt like I was excusing myself since I knew inside that I was happy to "miss" work.

I was at the dentist - I had to go to the dentist - My dentist needed me to come in earlier - My dentist offered me a new time and it was during work hours - I got to miss work and get my teeth cleaned instead - I didn't want to go to work, I rarely do, so I used their change in situation to my advantage and took the time off - I had a dentist appointment.

All of these things are giving the same basic information but each has its own tone and spin.

I think we all "spin" our words a lot for a variety of reasons but there really is, at least for me, a big mental and emotional (?) difference between saying "I HAD to go to the dentist" and "I was at the dentist."  Am I making sense?

Word choice matters and has a lot of power.  And, no, I don't need us all to start overthinking every little thing we say but I do think I'd like to try paying a bit more attention to either being more positive in my word choice or more neutral/factual. I don't have to excuse the thoughts I have secretly in my head... they're literally just in my head (until I type them out here!)

Slippery

I had a sort of realization the other night about how relatively simple it might be for someone to go down the..... well, the sort of paranoia/conspiracy type road.  Bear with me here.

I was making my bed a month or two ago and I noticed a spot of blood right around shoulder height on my fitted sheet.  I figured it was from the shot(s) I got the day before and shrugged it off.  No big deal, it was a tiny spot, it would wash out.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago and I was getting into bed and I noticed two blood spots in the same area but on the top sheet this time.  I pulled the sheets up to double check the height of it and then I took a look at my arm that I assume the blood was coming from to check to see if I had been bit or scratched some kind of scab or what.  

And what I saw was a tiny little purple blue area that looked exactly like what the vaccine spot had looked like.  

I got up and went to the bathroom and looked at it in the mirror.  I don't remember exactly where I got my shots but I didn't think it was that exact location but it also didn't feel like a bite and there was no evidence of active bleeding so likely not a scab.  As I was walking back to my bed a small part of my brain said "yeah, almost as if someone broke in and gave you a shot!"

And, well, no, but I did sit in that moment and sort of recognize and feel that it would have been fairly easy for me to accept that (odd) thought and run with it.  Like YES, it's obviously the spot where I got a shot but I didn't get a shot so someone GAVE me one without my knowledge! 

I mean as I type it out it sounds ridiculous and I'm nowhere near believing that could happen for SO many reasons, from as simple as I have a chain on my door, you can't just unlock it and get in.... but that thought came in to my brain unbidden and if my brain chemistry or state of mind was slightly different, I might be freaking out and then feeling awful when no one believed me etc etc.  So I feel for those that seem to be stuck in thoughts that most of us see as unreal because yeah, my brain went there all on its own.

I still don't know what caused the small amount of bleeding.  A bite seems most likely, or some mild skin bump I scratched off in the night.

But in a non paranoid way, I've checked on that purple bump part again just before writing this post and it's still there.  I checked because on that same arm, in that same area, about 20 years ago I had something they called a hemangioma, which looked like a small blob of blood that quite regularly would burst (in the photos of my brother's wedding, you can see the small round bandaid I put on it to ensure it wouldn't burst and cause a scene!) and they removed that (leaving the only "surgical" scar I have on my body... knock on wood) and so I'm keeping a small eye on that area in case another one is growing or something like that.

If I end up with another blood spot in that area I might take the arm (and the rest of me!) to the doctor but right now other than a weird purple "freckle" nothing much is amiss.  Could have been, like I said, a bite or a something I scratched off, or it could be another unusual blood vessel party forming.  I don't yet know.

But yeah, that conspiracy type slope is a slippery one and it was almost more frightening to think I might have ever believed the thought than it was to have it.

There's Likely An Answer

I could probably do some research and find an actual answer to this but I have not changed my shampoo or conditioner or my laundry detergent/softener and both my hair and my clothes, since, I'll say the start of the new year, have been suddenly, and noticeably softer.

Like I did my laundry and was like oh wow my clothes and sheets are super extra soft, did I use more/too much product?  And then I noticed my hair being extra soft feeling and I know I didn't change anything there so now I'm wondering if the water in my building or the area got softer?

That's a thing, right?

Ooof

I am not doing well right now.  This week, likely from the devastating fires down in LA, my anxiety and stress have been off the charts and every little thing either sends me into a panic or into tears.  It's hard to do more than the basics I feel I *need* to.

If things settle a bit more for me I will sit down to write but right now I'm only finding moments of "not panic" and so sitting down to write is not something I've felt much like doing in those few moments.

Hope you're all staying safe and well.  I am technically safe and well myself, which makes it all the more upsetting to feel like I'm not.  

Hugs all round.

I Have No Idea!

I was heading to bed last night and my left calf got super itchy.  I probably scratched at it a bit and got into bed but it was itchy enough that I pulled the blankets aside and took a look.  

My entire back of my calf was red and weird looking and felt itchy.  WHAT?????

There might have been what could possibly have been a welt from a bug bite but that didn't explain the redness unless I'd really scratched that much?

I got up and got some hydrocortisone (anti itch lotion) and spread it all over and told myself to try not to think about it and that it was probably fine.

In the morning I tried to google what it might have been, like a bite or a hive?  (From what I don't know?) and one possible answer for the redness if not scratching was like a heat rash.  I'd had a hot water bottle on that calf for a while before bed for some soreness and maybe it had been too warm for too long?  Not that that's a thing that has happened to me before.

So maybe I got bit and scratched the whole calf a lot.  Or maybe I had heat on my skin and it got weird or maybe I'm allergic to going to bed at a reasonable hour?  I don't know.  But I am happy to report that my leg seems fine and redness and bump free the next day.  (But still... what?)

Aw Crap

The other day I went to put some more window washer fluid into my car and when I lifted up the hood, there was a trail of partially eaten nut, like a house nut, not a found on the streets nut (a pecan I think) and a chunk of nut left in my engine compartment.

This is not good.

No one and nothing should be getting in my engine area and some of my neighbours have had issues with rodents (rats they think?) chewing on their wires and cables and causing hundreds of dollars of damage and now someone was hanging out in my engine eating a damn nut!  ARGH!

I cleaned out the nut remnants and put down some essential oil (people claim rats, etc don't like the strong smell) and I feel like or maybe I hope that this was more of a squirrel finding a spot to hang out than a mouse or rat starting to live in my engine but y'all?  I don't want to look again to see.  

But I know I should and kind of have to and so I hopefully will get over myself and check again for, I don't even know what, damage?  More evidence of rodent hanging out? But sigh....

Things I'd rather have lived without ever having encountered for 100 please Alex.

I Mean.... Vaguely Close? Ish?

I don't remember why but my brain was trying to come up with the word tampon but what it came up with instead was condom.

I mean, they're sort of within the same, uh... general world/realm?  And have the same number of syllables and their endings sound the same and like I knew right away I'd goofed up the words but then my brain was like YOU COULD USE THEM TOGETHER and I was like no, not really brain, not really....

So yeah... brains.... *shaking my head*

That Was Mean

One of the nastiest bad dreams I've had of late was a really weird one I still don't really understand.

In the dream I was out and about when I ran into Jay.

Jay who has died - is dead.

And in this dream I told him I thought he had died and he laughed and said that yes that was just a big joke he played on his wife/partner. (Implying that he faked his death to escape her?)  I was horrified at this and told him as much and my brain brought up the visuals his partner shared at the time of him literally on his death bed (again, I wish I had never seen that video and image) and I told him what he'd done was not ok and then I woke myself up and as you can imagine, it was pretty damn upsetting.

I don't know why my brain brought him up, or why my brain made up that particular story.... he could be a jokester sure, but that as a joke seemed just cruel.... was my brain trying to remind me he wasn't always nice?  I don't know, but I didn't like it and the whole thing was disturbing and it would be a lot handier if bad dreams were the ones you forgot.

Hard To Believe

I was baking some things to take over to my parents' for Christmas and I used up the last of my (larger sized) vanilla bottle.  

And I paused as it happened because I pretty clearly remember just having bought a new (larger sized) vanilla bottle not that long ago.  So I stopped and looked for it where it should be.  New bottle wasn't there.  I looked all through the cupboard and sort of generally around the kitchen area but nope, no new bottle of vanilla.

Which made me have to ask myself... did I really go through that whole bottle of vanilla that I swear I *just* bought a week or two ago?

And, well, the answer is probably yes?

I mean, I'm not stingy with vanilla and see its suggested usage in a recipe as a mere starting point (I'm one of those "it's ok to over pour vanilla" believers in my own stuff) but did I really bake that much over the month of December?  Maybe?

Either I did, or there's some random bottle of vanilla sitting unopened somewhere random and I won't find it until I no longer want to find it.

I bought more vanilla by the way but I'm still scratching my head while wondering if I really did go through a whole bottle of it in a short amount of time.  I dunno man!

Insert "I Haven't Blogged Since Last Year!" Joke Here Please!

Oh geez.  So yeah, I apparently got out of the habit of writing over the holidays and I'd just gotten myself fairly well back IN to that habit before the holidays and now here we are a week or so into the new year (Happy New Year!) and I'm like whoops, have nothing written for next week.... AGAIN!

Let me throw a few anecdotes at you to see if it gets the ball rolling at all....

I had work dreams for the first half of my holiday from work so that was like extra lame.  Plus they were "old work" dreams rather than what I'm currently doing so I guess just stress dreams in general.  

I turn fifty this year * and I'm a little/lot all over the place about it.  Trying to play it cool but also not thrilled about it mentally/emotionally and feeling like I should *do* something but really not wanting to but then trying to convince myself I should want to but the longer I stall the less likely things will be and um, yeah... this kind of sucks, maybe extra because of the general low I feel right now (time of year?)

My brother is going on a two month trip (with wife and daughter) and my parents sent me the itinerary and I cried over it in something close to jealousy but more a sadness that I'm currently unable to (and can not foresee a future in which that changes) afford that kind of travel and that kind of itinerary planned travel and I felt a lot of sadness for myself, even though I know he made different life choices than I did, many moons ago and he and they more than deserve it and I'm happy for them and also sad for myself and feeling like I'm missing things that aren't miles away, they're a sibling away, you know?

So yeah, I'm seeing this writing as more evidence that I'm pretty low right now, so sorry about that.  I'll get to happy when I get to it but for now I'm more dragging, more negative, more depressed I suppose, than not.  Or maybe that's just right now. 

Or not.  But at least I'm typing, that's a good thing.  And stuff.

*(This month in fact....)

Happy New Year

Happy New Year you guys.  I hope this year treats us all well!

See you next year! (HA!) (ahem)

You What Now?

I am not one of those people who literally study brains as their career/job/living but I think maybe even they are with me in the "brains don't make sense!" thing?

I was trying to fall asleep last night (as one does) and for whatever reason my brain was thinking about some actor and then about another actor who was in one of the versions of a tv mini series that was made by two different .... uh, what do we call them... tv making show places?

Jessica Biel played the character in one version and the other Olsen sister played the character in another.  And then I couldn't remember her name.  I didn't want to try to remember her name but my brain got stuck on it.  "Mary Kate and Ashley" "Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen" just went through my head over and over as I tried to half think of the *other* sister's name.  I refused to get out of bed to google it and I told myself I would remember I was wondering in the morning but man oh man was my brain ever stuck on this "mystery" for far too long.

And then of course when I woke up I had completely forgotten my need to know, which is totally fine but then get this.... I was in the shower when my brain remembered "Hey!  You wanted to know that other Olsen sister's name!  Look it up when you're out of the shower ok!?" And I was like well thanks brain, that's a random thing to remember, and then my brain went "ELIZABETH!  ELIZABETH OLSEN!" which as it turns out is the name of that particular Olsen sister and the actor I was trying to remember but why my brain could think of it half checked out in the shower but not half checked out in bed is beyond me.  And I'm legit not even sure why I remembered her name at all! (Although I did think she did a good job in the role and I remember the first time I found out she was a sister to the twins I was pretty surprised, only really knowing them from Full House n stuff....)

So yeah, my brain, Ladies and Gentlemen... I can't even!

I Thought It Was A Flashback!

So I was binge watching (watching several episodes in a row) of a show and didn't realize I'd run out of all the current episodes.

So I'm watching the end of one episode and playing on my phone when the next episode starts and it's clearly a flashback episode of one of the characters' back stories.

Quite a long flashback but there must be a point to it that they want us to get about his character development or something, I'll just wait it out and see.  Oh and wouldn't it be cool if that person was a new addition to the show which is probably why they're showing this scene?

Except then the show's titles came on and, well it was a completely different show that just HAPPENED to have the same actor in it, ha!

So yeah, um, not a back story or flashback at all actually!  Oops!

I Feel Like I Got Really Lucky

I was doing laundry yesterday and I've been checking the dryer mid way through it's hour cycle to make sure things aren't bundled up and therefore not drying.  

Usually when I go to check it, I unravel a couple of things and clean out the lint filter and maybe take out a thing or two if they're dry or dry enough that I want them out.

Well yesterday, I went down and in the lint filter there was a tissue tinted green.  I was pretty sure I'd checked all my pockets and well, it was intact so I guess it didn't go through the wash and as I was wondering about what this was doing there and why it was green I noticed a gob of green gum stuck to the side of the lint filter.

I used the green tinted tissue to lift up the green gum (ahem) and was SO very thankful that the gum hadn't gotten stuck IN the dryer and ruined my clothes.

And no, it wasn't my gum and so likely not my tissue either but sharing laundry facilities means you sometimes get what you get and I'm just super grateful I didn't get a mess!

Old-ish Dog, New Tricks

I handled a pretty difficult situation last week pretty darn well.

Better, I think, than I would have a few years ago, or maybe even a year ago, hard to know.

It wasn't easy, nor was it fun, but I worked hard to react differently and to stop or slow the less helpful thoughts and habits and I'm taking a moment to pat myself on the back for that.

Sure, I know this is a bit vague but it's still the holidays and I don't feel like getting dark and sad right now so we'll go with this instead.

Well Here We Are

Christmas Eve today.  Then it will be Christmas and then that strange in between time before New Year's Eve and then another new year.

If you celebrate Christmas, I hope tomorrow is a joy filled day of ease for you and if you celebrate something else or nothing else, I hope your day and week is a good one.

Merry Christmas friends, take care and be well.

Oh and happy winter.  Unless you're in the southern hemisphere, in which case happy summer!  And for those of us up this way, happy "days are getting slightly longer again" time. 

Sleepy Sigh

Apparently if you (just me most likely) wake up in a dream because you had somehow accidentally set your alarm for 1am and then you felt rude going back to sleep because your Mom was also awake (I don't know?!) you will feel the next morning as if you didn't sleep even though the "waking up" part was LITERALLY JUST PART OF A DREAM but like I don't make the rules, ok?

 

 

 

Oh and also? I had two really good blog post ideas when I turned out the light last night but they were gone as I was lying there trying to sleep so yeah.  That happened too.  Rough night I guess?

Ok, Sorry But

I really don't like the noise that some electric vehicles "make" (that whining they have to add when they're under a certain speed or something).  It really irritates me and I just felt like saying that out loud, sorry!

(I may have just heard one and felt like typing this out, ARGH!)

Another Realization

For Christmas day this year I will be seeing much of my family and so I wanted, since I'm trying to learn, to bring some baked goods I'd made myself.

I looked up a couple of new-to-me muffin recipes and while it seems risky to try a new recipe I might just make us some chocolate chocolate chip muffins (cross your fingers for me?) but I also thought of doing a slightly less sweet muffin and maybe some of the cookies I've been making and then I started to think about storage and how I wouldn't want the muffins to be frozen but also wouldn't want them to be too many days old and as I was sort of trying to think and plan my way through all this, with the aim of the morning of the 25th it hit me that this is what some people, mainly women/mothers, have to figure out every year.  And that must be exhausting for many!

I know that lots of people love baking or making things for people and I know that cooking in general is not a great thing for me, but I guess I've been innocent and naive enough all these years to not think about all the coordination that might have to go in to making and gifting baked goods.  

I mean sweet treats you're good to wrap and gift at any time (within reason) and cookies are probably safe enough for that too so maybe it's partially my choice of trying muffins but when I was trying to plan it blew my mind to think I might be spending all of the day of the 24th baking and baking and how that did NOT sound like fun for me!

So what am I going to do?  Well I'll probably try for the chocolate muffins on the 24th as I don't currently have any real plans for that day and if I want to bake another kind I'll maybe try them the day before, or not.  Will I also do cookies?  Unknown.

I did make banana muffins and my cookies for MYSELF last week and threw some into the freezer so I do have a small number of cookies I could take as is.... but yeah, this whole cooking and baking and making things stuff is a lot, eh?  (Especially when it's not really your thing!)