An "Oldie"

One of the aqua fitness instructors plays mainly "oldies" songs which are great to sing along to quite frankly!

The other week, one of the songs that came on was "My Life" by Billy Joel and I had this distinct memory of singing some of the song as a young kid and directing it (in my head only of course!) towards my parents.

 "I don't care what you say anymore this is my life! (do do do do doo) Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone!"

Between that and "Hey Teacher, leave those kids alone!" (which I have a memory of "getting in trouble" for singing) it's funny to think that 5 or so year old me felt that much... rebellion? against my parents but that actual teenage me didn't really do the wild rebellion streak one might imagine.

But it's funny the memories songs can bring back eh?  Here's to the good ones!

Oh, My Heart

Because aquafit is often recommended to older folks (it's gentle on the joints) especially those recovering from a surgery (low or no impact) and the two classes I get to go to are during the work day (I just happen to not be working those two days), there are a lot of older people in the classes I go to.

I am hesitant to say what I'm about to say but it had a huge impact on me, so I'm trying to share it while being delicate and kind.  I mean nothing cruel here.... but can't think of any other way to describe things....

There was an older woman I'd not seen before and she looked very not well.  Her face was sunken in that way you sometimes see with older folks who have lost a lot of weight and aren't perhaps doing well.

I was concerned for her, but also proud of her for being there and exercising.  But I also felt sad and a little upset.  It was hard to see.  Her face was the facial equivalent of skin and bones.

At the end of class, someone was swimming by her to leave and stopped for a moment to say something to her and as I watched, this lady's face lit up in a smile and it was absolutely transformational.

She was suddenly alive.  Lively, living, sparkling, full of life.  What a difference seeing that smile and happiness on her face made to her entire face and self.

I don't know her situation, or her health or anything about her of course.  But it was a night and day difference when she smiled and that had a huge impact on me.  I'm not sure in what way - like I'm not going to start smiling all the time to look "better" but it was moving, and touching and honestly rather sad.

It also made me reconsider the "extra weight" I'm carrying as perhaps less of a negative than I've maybe held it.

David

David Lynch (a well known director) died in January and it impacted me in rather surprising ways.

I mean I know David Lynch.  I watched Twin Peaks when it came out and liked it a lot.  But I can't say I've seen much or any more of his work.  But I know it.  Or know of it.  And I know him and his persona.

The loss of him was intense.  There was an outpouring in my artist based social media feeds that made me feel like I'd missed out on knowing more about this person.  I myself was saddened by the loss of this eccentric artist.  This larger than life personality.  That face.  That hair.  That person.  That vision.  And somehow it was through his death that I learned he had a long standing connection to transcendental meditation. (And it was said that he perhaps passed away while meditating which seems like a lovely way for him to have gone if true.)

So on the day he died, after reading many tributes to him, I found a "guided transcendental meditation for beginners" video and did me some "TM".  

I did also look in to learning 'properly' but it's a cost beyond what I'm willing and able to pay.  Plus that felt weird to me personally.  So I have put that idea aside for now and even though I've had a meditation app for years, this is the first time I've really settled and worked it in to my day every day.  It's been interesting.

I used my library card to use a site called Kanopy to watch a documentary about him last week.  He is/was intriguing and interesting and had a lovely, warm, genuine smile.  The most touching things to read post his passing were the tributes from his close collaborators and muses.  Those made me cry.

It's been a couple of months since his passing and so that intense swirl of memories about him has faded but I'm thinking I'll try to keep up the meditation for myself, so if that's how his life impacted mine, that's a wonderful legacy to have left.

And a funny anecdote.  When I was sick there in January, I actually kind of fell asleep while meditating.  Upright!  Like I was in the middle of it and felt my head do that "nodding off" thing.  More than a few times.  I googled it and word is that if that's what your body needs, that's ok.  But I don't think I've "head bobbed" since I was maybe a kid trying not to fall asleep!

 

I Have No Idea

I had a small panic attack the other night as I was getting ready to sleep.

I was in bed, reading I think, and not really paying attention to much when my tongue found something "not right" in one of my teeth.  (As tongues have a tendency to do at times.)

I felt around with my finger/nail and sure enough, it felt like there was a chip or a crack on one of my upper back teeth.  I got really scared.  Scared, I think, of the potential pain fixing it might bring.  Of the dental visit I would have to make and go through.  Scared of future things related to this and scared of how it had happened.

I needed to go to sleep (work in the morning) and it wasn't causing any pain so not an emergency (not like I was about to call my dentist at 11 something at night anyway, not for this) so I tried to calm myself down by saying I'd deal with it in the morning.

Oh, I also got up and tried to floss the area in case it was stuck food but nope, the crack was still there, swear word  swear word  swear word swear word.

Told myself to just try to calm down and sleep and make calls in the morning.

And then in the morning I couldn't feel whatever I'd FOR SURE felt the night before and like even typing this out my tongue is trying to find it but I figure either there's a crack or there's not and I couldn't feel anything and so it's not too many more months until my next checkup where professionals either will or won't see something that is or isn't there but man oh man did that panic ever hit hard.

And that sucks.  

But I have no idea what was going on or was there but maybe it was just something like a popcorn kernel stuck in a certain way, who knows!?  But so far so good and I hope to keep taking good care of my teeth forever and ever please and thank you.

Language Is Neato

I often wish I knew more languages than I do and I really admire those who have more than a couple of languages under their belt.

I'm especially appreciative of the many people I run into here who speak English as their second language.  French is the only other language I could currently attempt to speak regularly and it would take me a while to get up to speed and still, I imagine it would not always be perfect, you know?

So it's always interesting to me to talk to someone who has an "accent" aka they are speaking English as not their first/mother language.  Sometimes really cool things happen.  In my mind at least!

Like, at the pool I do the classes at, there is a really tall lifeguard.  He's something close to 7 feet and one of the older ladies and I were chatting before class and she mentioned him and said "he is SO long!"

Which OMG that's so true!  He is long.  Not short.  He's very LONG!  The fact that that's not how we refer to someone un-short is now something I'm thinking about because a string is short or long.  But a human (or creature???) is short or tall!

But for this woman, speaking a language she learned along the way the process of describing this tall man came out as "he is long". I just thought that was so neat and such a cool example of how language learning maybe happens?  

And as you know sometimes happens to me, if I think about it too long I'll get really weirded out about long vs tall and my brain will stop working and it'll be like when you say a word so often it sounds wrong!

Or maybe English is just extra weird, eh?

Well That Month Just Disappeared, Eh?

I made the decision this weekend to put away my warmest cozy things.  Two of which I didn't wear at all (around the house stuff) this winter, which leads me to believe it was a pretty mild winter all in all.  I know we had a cold snap but even that didn't last all that long?

So yeah, the clothing and bed blankie got vacuum packed away (what do you call that... you put it in a special bag and use your vacuum to suck away the air to make it flatter?) and then Sunday morning was FREEZING.

Ok, not freezing but REALLY cold air.  I'd turned my radiator off and it was 15 in my living room Sunday morning (windows wide open of course) and that's not much warmer than it was in the middle of winter with the radiator fully on!

Spring cold *is* different than winter cold but it was still chilly.  Which made me wonder why they don't seem to talk about wind chill in spring?  Or maybe they do and I just haven't noticed?  But yeah that was a chilly morning for sure.  And I'm happy to see some chilly nights ahead although I will likely lament the big fuzzy blanket being gone.  I'll just lower my windows that night and steal a blanket from the living room couch if I have to!

I know it's only just barely spring anyway so not that far from winter.  Blossoms are out, early flowers are out.  Birds seem louder or happier or something.  So, yeah... March.  Come and gone.  Just like that.

I Feel The Need To Confess

I took a few days off of work and was really mad that I had pre-booked personal trainer time all this month.  So when I woke up one day last week and received an email from that trainer letting me know she had to cancel due to illness I was OH SO terribly happy and relieved.  Like I was thrilled.  I hadn't wanted to go and now I didn't have to!

I felt sort of somehow guilty about that and then this week I also didn't want to go so I cancelled on her and like damn I needed to NOT but also I feel bad but I also want to respect myself and right now, like I can't remember happening in a while, like maybe not since last Fall, I just really really need to do nothing.

I'm trying to respect that.  But also quietly confessing the "uh oh" I feel around doing that.  You know?

(Wow, it sure gave me a panic to go to post this... interesting.  Also, yikes.)

Quietly

I try not to take the good days, the quiet days, the only a little anxious days for granted as time and time again I've been reminded that those days aren't always here.  And in that sort of way where you hear the quiet more once you've turned off the noise, the quiet days where things are imperfect but fine are very missed when the days are rough.

I remember distinctly trying to enjoy the America that was in the weeks and months leading up to the change in power, and maybe I'm wanting to do the same with the Canada that currently is in case something like that shifts the calm up here too.

 

Shopping Surprises

In shifting how I shop to paying more attention to where things I buy are from (read: buying anything *but* American unless I really have to) I've been a little bit surprised.

I ran out of a few more things this week and when I looked up where they are from they were Canadian, or at times, British.  I had assumed I would be finding many of them were from the states but that hasn't been the case.  As I was watching my spaghetti cook (watched pots and all that jazz) I found myself wondering if maybe I haven't enjoyed the flavours of food made down that way.  If maybe I've preferred the quality of goods from here or elsewhere and just not really known it.  Because so far?  I really haven't had to replace any food products.  

(I'm not trying to boast nor am I looking for kudos or anything.  I'm just talking.) 

I've had to switch some household products and that has been a bummer when I have some things, like compost bags that I really like and have switched to ones that don't feel as awesome but hey... is what it is eh?

Part of things for me is that I have, in recent years, been trying to move to more environmentally responsible and friendly products.  Like I was reading about the dishwasher pods I've used and how those pods actually aren't all that healthy and likely leave a plastic residue on my dishes and so I purchased a powder, an "environmentally friendly" powder and it turns out it's a Canadian product.  Same for some deodorant and a few other things like that... It seems the stores I frequent have always been good at having Canadian products available and I just didn't pay attention before.  Never felt like I needed to before.  (I have some guilt there but we're letting that go eh?)

Produce has been a bit harder and I've given up some things that I'm missing (navel oranges from California and raspberries for example).  But over the few months that this has been happening, the stores I go to have adjusted what they're purchasing so that has helped a great deal.  And some things I may just continue to go without.  We'll see.

I've seen some out there say that these changes many Canadians are making are in response to the tariffs, and, well, frankly?  I don't think that's the bulk of it.  For me?  Not wanting to speak for anyone else.... it's about the threats to my country.  The things being said.  The lack of respect.  Add that to what's going on down there in general and then add the tariffs on top of it?  And yeah, no, it's not *just* about the tariffs. 

There are a few things I will run out of soon, for example, shampoo, that I have already figured out what I will replace it with (Canadian products - AG in this case is what I'm going to try) but as I've said before, I'm going to try not to beat myself up if I buy some American things here and there. 

And I'm not telling anyone what to do.  And really, there needs, in my view, to be balance in all things, so I'm not going to stress myself out too much and will remind myself that putting more money into the Canadian economy and less into the economy of our neighbours (yeah spelled with a U) is going to make an impact no matter what or how much.

But yeah, as I babble on, all I was really trying to say is that it's been interesting to find out that I don't buy as much from the states as I originally assumed I did when I started paying attention.  Go figure, eh?

The Springining

So far this month I've had a couple of nights with windows wide open and cozy blanket off and "warm" feeling and I've also had a couple of nights with windows half closed and cozy blanket on and "cold" feeling so yeah... it's that in between time again eh?

I had that weird feeling the other night of not being quite sure when in the year I was.  I was thinking about how it would be Christmas before I knew it and then my brain felt sideways for a minute as I realized I had it entirely backwards and it is actually getting warmer out not cooler out and that's a whole different freak out for me.  Sigh. 

We are technically in Spring now, time slipping onwards as it does.  A federal election has been called for next month.  I'm asking to vote by mail again - it's easier on my stress level to do so.  I'm pretty nervous about this election knowing that a lot of unhappy people in the world and this country may vote in a way that I feel would be damaging and not positive.  I got my hopes slightly up for the American election and then absolutely shattered by the results, even though I told myself NOT to get my hopes up and that I "knew" it would happen the way it did although to be fair, I thought the Democrats might take it and then another cry of FRAUD would cause major shit down that way so that part didn't happen either I guess. But I digress.

Elections these days worry me.

I'm trying to enjoy the cooler nights while they're here and I'm finding a balance between window opening and blanket usage to keep myself on the cooler side at night.  As one does.  Well, this 'one' anyway.

More Randomness

Some of the newer social media apps are still figuring out their algorithms and so sometimes I'll get a bunch of things I didn't follow and I'll just roll with it.  Like one night I got a whole bunch of embroidery things and so I just scrolled and enjoyed some really cool work and art!

But a number of weeks ago I got a whole lot of tarot reader people talking about how "all their cards" or "pulls" or something were suggesting something BIG was happening in March.  And it was quite a few accounts over a number of days and so part of me was like hmmm, maybe something will happen in March and sure, I maybe had hopes of what that might be in the world and what it would look like but now I find myself staring at the calendar and wondering if they were wrong or what?

And because they're not accounts I follow and I didn't "react" to any of the posts I can't go back and be like OK SOOOOOOOO?????  I did try searching that app for "March tarot" but of course I didn't get anything useful.  So like maybe I just got my hopes up and maybe big things did happen in the world and/or for those people and it just happened to not be what I, personally, was hoping might happen.  (Unless that's happening in the next few days I suppose... sigh.)

Randomness

I was about to start this post by saying "I had another Taylor Swift dream!" but it looks like I never told you about the first dream so um, yeah, I had a dream a few weeks ago where Ms Swift and I were hanging out backstage and really got along super well and she was lovely and I have no idea why I had that dream.

So imagine my surprise when I had yet another Taylor Swift dream last night!

In this dream, I was backstage with Taylor and her band and she was like "are you ready to do this?"  (What?) And it was this small venue show (similar in size to some of the smaller venues here in town but a combination of a couple of them in true dream style) and we all went on stage as the audience was still filing in and I kept trying to tell anyone who would listen, including Taylor that not only did I not know the songs, but more importantly I DIDN'T HAVE AN INSTRUMENT!!!!  (Like not even a tambourine or anything) and everyone just told me not to worry and just enjoy it and even when I told Taylor Swift herself that I didn't have anything to play and didn't know the songs she just smiled and said it wasn't a problem and so I was pacing around the stage all stressed out but no one else was upset and the audience was filing in and um, yeah.

Maybe that was my brain's updated version of "going to school and having no clothes on" or "finding out you have a test you didn't study for" dream?  But really, I kept wondering what I was going to do ON STAGE for the entire show with nothing to actually do.  Just like... hang out and groove along to the music I guess?  D'oh!

Spring

It's Spring now isn't it.  Which if you go into shops at all, you could guess it was coming due to the Easter things everywhere.  

If you remember the post I made a couple of weeks ago where I said it was so warm at night I had to change out my blanket situation?  Well, I could have/should have waited as it's been (delightfully) chilly at night of late.  Some relatively cold days in there too.

Cherry and plumb blossoms are out in some parts of town but not others.  Some trees still look "winter dead" but if you look at them up close you can see buds forming, still sealed and closed up for now.

My neighbour who went away for six months and left me in charge of her air plants (despite my heavy protestations and warnings I would likely kill them) is coming back in a couple of months to two and a half dead air plants.  I've warned her, she's easy about it... said they were close to dead when she had me take them.  I'm still not thrilled about it but is what it is.  This information only popped into my head because I was thinking about the buds and the life of plants and the death of plants and Spring and, well, yeah.

I did, by the way, since this post got hijacked by house plant talk, compost two struggling plants that have stressed me out for ages. I'm a bit sad that I seem to have given up on them but I also didn't need the reminder that they were on the way out.  I have one other that I'm concerned about and eyeballing regularly but I'm going to keep trying with that one for now at least.  I have some other plants that are happy enough and without jinxing things, a few that seem very happy indeed.  Which makes me happy.  

I even have one that has quite quickly outgrown the stake I gave it to climb up, which reminds me, I need to buy another one of those as the one it has right now is a bigger one Jason cut in half for me and it's now too short.  (Even though the plant sort of has a bald spot in the middle?)  So yeah, let me put that on my shopping list right now, eh?

The Wrong Side Of The Internet*

*No, not that one, or that one!  

Some social media sites have spectacularly specific algorithms that will fill your feed with more of what you look at.  (I know all of them do this but some have really honed in versions, and that's what I'm talking about here.)

So on this one particular site, I watched a couple of videos of an older fellow who is helping older folks keep their mobility and after a while my feed got more and more filled with mobility people and fitness people and exercise people.  Which was great.  But now is overwhelming me.

Overwhelming me with all the things I'm *not* doing.  Or not remembering to do.  Or feeling like I don't do enough or at all.

If I listened to all of them I would be spending ages and ages every day doing all the moves I'm 'supposed' to do to help my this and my that and my future self.   I got stressed.

Did I mention (I forget) that I booked four sessions with a personal trainer this month?  Well, I did, and I did ask her to include mobility things and things to help me be a healthy older person.  I can't possibly do it all.  All the health things that are suggested by all the different people.

Dude, I can barely keep myself going some days and I'm trying not to beat myself up for the lack of perfection around it too!

So while my title is a bit of a joke... I didn't end up on the wrong side of the internet at all, I just curated a feed that ended up stressing me out even though it was well intentioned to begin with. 

I do want to take better care of my body and I do want to be as healthy and mobile and fit as possible as my body continues to age.  I just really don't want to be super stressed and upset about it in that black and white kind of way my brain tends to do.

Just A Coincidence?

The other night, I had some leftover chicken salad that Jason had made and it had a bit of kick to it (spice).  Nothing major and nothing we'd not had before.  I followed it up with a Canadian potato chip brand that had an interesting flavour combo (not my favourite but I wanted to finish the bag) of smoked paprika and garlic, again, flavours I'm used to although the chips were new to me.

Not long after I'd finished eating, my throat became sore.

This... stressed me out.

I wondered if it was some sort of allergic reaction to something I had just eaten since it came on so quickly.  I tried googling as I know that a symptom of anaphlyaxis can be difficulty swallowing, but the results weren't helpful.  I didn't think I was having a deadly allergic reaction but I've known some friends who had the start of a severe allergic reaction who started with some odd symptoms (I had one work friend who got tingling lips when she had an apple and we eventually were like "you maybe shouldn't do that and should see someone about it just in case?") so my brain got anxious and I stressed out.  Which helps NOTHING.

I took a Reactine and had some Benedryl on hand in case things got weird.  I had some honey in hot water to soothe my throat (it didn't seem to do much?) and then I had some hot water I sipped on after.

I took some Vitamin C and Cold-Fx in case I was getting sick rather than reacting to something but I got really in my head about it and worried.

My throat felt fine the next morning which was a relief.  And for dinner that second day I did have the rest of the leftover chicken and don't think I had any issues but just to be on the safe side I won't be buying that flavour of chips again.

So, yeah.  Maybe something in my throat didn't like something I ate?  Or maybe a sore throat from fighting off some germs just happened to show up moments after I ate?  I have no idea, and no real way of knowing.  And yes, I did look in the back of my throat with a flashlight but it didn't look, for example, how it did when I got sick or had strep.  I also gargled with some salt water before bed, so I did try to help it feel better but yeah it was a rather unsettling thing and an odd coincidence if it was one.

Oh, That Reminds Me

As I was finishing up yesterday's post I was reminded about a Mexican restaurant that has recently been recommended to me and the fact that when I was looking over their menu they had grasshopper as a protein.  

While part of me is intrigued by the idea of giving this protein source a try, I really don't think I could get over knowing what it is.  Even though I know humans do eat it/them.

Same with certain sushi.  I can eat it, I just have to pretend it's something other than what it is.  (As best I can.  Or I just stick to my usual.)

And for what it's worth, I feel like I saw a cactus type on that menu too.  Which is also intriguing!  (But I went with chicken and beef and yes it was yummy.)

Probably A Repeat Post But That's Ok

A LARGE version of the long legged spiders who have been frequenting my place decided to hang out in the corner of my bathroom. 

And again, it's either the same spider repeatedly using this spot and growing (I assume they grow) or it's a good spot for spider reasons I don't understand.  (Mostly quiet?  Dark most of the time?  Decent humidity?  Warm?  I don't know, haven't been able to ask any of them.)

So this BIG guy/gal hung out in that corner and every few days I noticed it wasn't there and wondered if it had moved on but then I'd see it again the next day and would randomly think about how little I know about spider behaviour... really.  (I assumed they all sit in their webs and wait for food to come to them but this "disappearing" spider made me think that some of them go actively searching and then come "home" to chill?)

I went to have a shower the other night and noticed the spider wasn't in its corner web.  Hmmm, I thought, it must be out on the prowl.  And then when I went to push my shower curtain aside I saw it and was like NOPE, sorry!  You've crossed a line and now I need to escort you out.  So I grabbed a glass, trapped it in there and opened the door and threw it into the hall.  (I later "swiffered" the area where the web had seemed to be just in case that discouraged returning... again, I don't know!)

I then went and put the glass in the dishwasher and this is where the "maybe a repeat post" part comes in.  As I was putting the glass in the dishwasher I thought about writing a post about it and about how I don't want to drink from a glass that a spider has been in.  And I imagined typing this out and one of you pointing out that probably most of my glasses and mugs and other utensils have spider (and other) feet that have touched them and you guys it's the KNOWING it has happened that I can't deal with.

So I can vaguely know that nothing in my house is likely "clean" clean but I can not actively drink out of a cup that I just captured a spider in.  I can drink from a glass out of the cupboard that may have had bug legs in/on it but I can't do it ON PURPOSE.  Know what I'm saying?

So yeah, no spider water happening here.  Nope.

Kind Of Sucky

During the first session with this trainer, the main thing I had to battle in my head was the embarrassment, anger and upset I felt at how weak I've let myself get.

Not a helpful thought which is why I tried to kind of not get stuck on it, but wow... I am so much weaker than when I used to use machines and weights regularly.  And it sucks.  (And I'm in an older body to boot.)

I also have a couple of spots (back and one knee) that are feeling really not ok after the session (yes I told the trainer) and so that has me worried as it's hard for me to tell if it's just pain or injury pain.  So I'm being cautious and careful and trying not to panic until I have reason to (reason being - it's clear it's an injury and I have to go to see a physio for treatment.  Or something along those lines.)

Some pain is expected and normal and ok, but I'm not talking about the "I used my muscles and they're sore" pain I'm talking about that other pain that's either "this muscle needs some stretching or something" or "you broke a thing!" (I think it's not that but worry brain is worried.) 

But feeling comparatively weak (compared to myself in the past) sucked and sucks.  (And the pain sucks too.  But I'm trying to take care of it and still doing things and even did a mini session this weekend in between trainer times... I'm TRYING!)

The Span

One of the things I'm trying to do is to rebuild my attention span.

Since I became sick (is my guess) I have gotten in to the habit of being on my laptop and also on my phone.  So I'll be watching a show or something and will pause it to check social media on my laptop.  And then probably pick up my phone to check things there too.  And maybe play a game for a few.  And then back to the show.  Where I'll likely pick up my phone again.  It will sometimes take me an hour and a half to watch a forty minute show.  

That urge to pick up the phone is intense and it really feels like this habit has destroyed my attention span. 

So I'm starting to try to rebuild it (and break those habits) by first committing to watching a show without interruption.

So I'll look at my phone, put it down and put on the show.  I won't pick up the phone again until the show is done.  I'm forcing myself to JUST watch the show.  (I'm probably going to get more out of the shows this way as a bonus.   If that matters....) 

I started this maybe ten days ago and in a couple of really high stress moments/times, I did let myself multitask but I did it knowingly rather than passively.

I'm not sure if it's related or coincidental but I've also read a couple of chapters of non fiction books I've been meaning to read (they sit next to me on a table by the couch filling me with guilt) so here's to hopefully getting more out of my down time with a healthier attention span, right?

Ha!

Ok this is probably only funny to me but here goes anyway!

So when you start a post here, you can publish it right away, or set a date and time for it to publish.

I usually try to set to publish so that I have a week's worth of posts set to go out.

To do that, I click on a little calendar to set the date for the post.

Well, I was just writing yesterday's post and had this weird moment where I looked at the date of the 19th and wondered where the month had done.  Nineteenth already?  Wow.  It's like the month just disappeared, and wait a second, how did I miss that deadline (work related) and wait, this isn't making sense?  Which is when I realized that I hadn't clicked on *this* week, I had somehow clicked on NEXT week and so yes, the month did just disappear because I chose the wrong week!

Heh.

(See?  Funny for me, not so much once translated to text!)