Well, Nuts...

I have had a few moments this week of "that's a blog post I could write" but now that I'm sitting down for a moment to write do you think I can remember those posts?  NOOoooOooOooo!

Sigh.

I really should write them down like I usually do but they seem to be happening at not convenient for writing down times like in the shower or as I'm heading out the door.

And sure, just like when you say you'll remember something as you're falling asleep, as much as I think I'll remember them... nope!

I'll try to write them down next time they show up though.  Assuming and hoping they will!

Oh No

I am really not ready for the "Christmas season" but according to a store (or two) I was in last week it's here.

Swear word.

(Honestly, I'm not even ready for Halloween!)

I'm Curious....

Do any of you, or have any of you ever done that thing that seems to happen on ALLLLLLLL the tv shows where the couple is sleeping in bed together and then we see one of them is gone and the other, barely awake, reaches over.... pats the bed/pillow and then realizes the partner isn't there and they wake up?

Like, I don't think I've ever done that.... woken myself up by reaching out and realizing someone's not there (who should be) but maybe I have and have just forgotten??

I know I notice or have noticed when the other person gets up, at least most of the time, and if it's morning I'll usually just go back to sleep and if it's the middle of the night I'll check that they're ok and then go back to sleep.

But that's not me waking up by patting where they *should* be, that's usually me being woken by the movement of someone else getting out of bed...

So is this *just* a tv trope (as I suspect) or do you sometimes wake yourself from a sleep because your hand/arm didn't find the person where you expected them to be!?

I mean I know I haven't spent a whole lot of time with a partner in my bed - I've never been married, I've only lived with a partner for a few months here or there - many of my relationships were long distance, so you'd have a week or two together or maybe just a weekend and often that's not even enough time to adjust to sleeping in a different bed or to get used to someone else being next to you.  So, maybe it's a long term live together thing and I've just never gotten there?

Or maybe it's a "plot point" thing.

 

 

(Sometimes when I'm watching shows where waking up is involved it makes me want to film myself waking up because I don't think I look like them, but then again maybe I don't want to know!)

Huh....

My brain was wandering yesterday morning... something about me talking to the dermatologist I saw the other week and saying something about "aging skin" and her saying something about age and me not being "that old" or something like that.

And as I was having this distracted non conversation in my head I realized something.

I guess I've gotten to the age/stage of life where the practitioners I see are around my age.

I mean, versus them being several decades older, you know?

Like I don't actually know how old my doctor is or my massage person or this dermatologist or the dentist but they all seem to sort of be within, I dunno... ten?  fifteen years one way or the other?  Whereas for most of the rest of my life (going backwards) those people were... like my parents' age.  Older.  A noticable chunk of age older.

And of course this makes sense when you're a kid... and a youth, and a teen... and then even into your twenties.  And then someone retires and you don't think anything much of it and you change practitioners and sort of notice they're younger than the one who retired and then it happens again and again and soon you half talk to yourself one Sunday morning and you realize that nearly all of the people you see are "around" your age.

And then you ignore the realization that one day they will start to be younger... and that that will probably feel weird and uncomfortable but hey, no need to go there yet, right?

Bonus!

A few months ago I asked my doctor to refer me to a dermatologist (skin doctor) for a skin cancer check.

My old family doctor used to look over my moles in a yearly physical but I haven't had one in a while and BC changed the system so new doctors can't do the same sort of physical yearly thing.  Anyway.

I went to this dermatologist and she looked over all my (what I thought were freckles) and said everything looks really healthy, which is wonderful to hear!

She also "zapped" (like used a mini blow torch device with I think liquid nitrogen) a couple of ones on my face that have been being weird.  (One of them very cleverly "caught" itself the night before and so had bled a bit, thanks buddy for showing off like that yay!)

She mentioned that these mole things that she "froze"? would eventually fall off and then maybe leave a bit of a scar or mark and I was just so happy I got an all clear from skin cancer worry I was like OK GREAT!

So fast forward a few days and the one on my chin looks like a pimple gone very wrong.  It's U G L Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly!  And?  I GET TO WEAR A MASK!

OMG you guys, I can not tell you how happy I am that the oddity on my chin gets to be covered by a mask!!!  In other years I'd be so self conscious about people seeing this thing because it's not like it is a pimple that I can cover with makeup (not that that ever works anyway) and so now I can go out in public or to workplace and my icky will be covered.  WHO KNEW THERE WAS SUCH A GOOD SIDE TO MASKS!?  YAY!!!

Um....

Ok, so this one is weird and I don't really know what to say about it...

I might have written about it, but a while ago (years??) my car started being a little... funky.

It had issues starting, and sometimes felt "jerky".  I started trying to diagnose it.  Was it age?  (sad face)  Or something more serious?  An air filter maybe?  Ok, let's change that?  Bad fuel?  Ok, let's clean that system.  Etc etc.

With Jason's help I learned about components that might be causing some of the symptoms and one of the things that came up was an MAF.  A mass airflow sensor.  (My vague understanding is that it senses the amount of air that is needed to be mixed with the fuel.)

A lot of the symptoms seemed to match with what would be a faulty one of these and so at some point I started asking the dealership to look at things.  

It was probably the battery, they said (I knew it wasn't.)  Oh, ok, no.  It was maybe the fuel line, but that'll cost you $400 to diagnose.  (I'll pass for now.)  I asked them to look at the MAF, they didn't say anything.  

Jason has a specialist mechanic in town he knows and trusts and he had them look at my vehicle and test a few things Jason was suspicious about (fuel injectors?  I don't remember) and here's where things get weird.

This mechanic, in looking for a cause of the weird non-consistent starting issues found that the MAF in my car had been swapped out.

As in, the one that is in my vehicle is NOT the factory MAF, it is a cheaper non standard version.

You what????

I contacted the dealership.  Did they have ANY record at all over the years of swapping out my MAF?  

No.

So.... then someone, at some time did it without permission and I just don't know what to think about that.

I have no proof, other than what's in the car isn't what is supposed to be in the car and I have never touched it and it's not something a thief would open up the hood and steal.  From what I understand there's no value to this part, and you'd only "take" it to put it in another vehicle and Jason says that yeah that's a thing that sometimes happens and I just can't wrap my bleeping head around it.

Needless to say, I do not feel comfortable returning to the dealership even though they are very easy to deal with and easy to get to and from (vs this other mechanic who has a location that is a bit tricky for me.)  I don't know what to think and I can't really go accusing anyone of anything because if this IS the source of my car issues, it happened years ago.

I'm angry, of course.  And wishing I had pushed for them to look at the MAF when we first started to wonder if it's an issue.

The other mechanic cleaned it and said to drive the car for a while because maybe the issue will be better now but I think I'll get a new MAF installed in the next few months anyway because WHO STEALS A STUPID PART AND PUTS IN A CHEAPER ONE WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL???

I keep meaning to try to look at this little part but I mean even if I do, it's not like I can tell if it's a genuine part or a cheap one.  Sigh.

I hope whoever did whatever has stopped being a jerk face and that they got some sort of karma or punishment or something because what a lame (to be nice) thing to do.

I really can't fathom someone doing this but apparently my car got sick because someone was poopy.

Sigh.

A Minor Annoyance

I have a gmail account that I have used for ages and ages.

Sometimes I get spam to that account and it's just a delete, mark as spam, and move on kind of thing.  I'm sorry I'm not going to help you get those millions of dollars out of your offshore account Mister.

Recently, I started getting what I thought was spam but was actually some human error.  I started getting "please confirm your email" emails from different places.  

The first, and most frustrating to deal with was Pinterest.  Yes, I initially thought it was spam but when I checked the sender info and stuff it was legit, just someone was possibly using my email?  For some reason?

Pinterest didn't seem to hold the account and over the next couple of days I got emails of this person's chat with someone else.  That also felt like spam or phishing or something not real.  So I went the long route and contacted Pinterest many times to say "I'm pretty sure someone is using my email I do not have an account with you, please delete this" and then telling them that their "hit this button if you didn't sign up" button didn't work and the whole thing was frustrating and annoying and I still was wary it might be malicious but eventually the emails stopped.

Just in time for me to get others.  I don't remember all of the places, but one of them was clear in the sign up email that it was for young people (kids) and when I emailed them they said that a youth had tried to make the account.  I asked if they'd be able to tell them they were using the incorrect email.  (It was worth a shot, I don't figure it happened.)  Most of the places were decent at taking off my email and knock on wood the person figured out what they were typing wrong....

I still am not sure it wasn't someone trying to "do something bad" to me, but I tried to be as safe as possible while also keeping in mind it could just be someone not paying attention to their email or missing a period or letter or anything.

But yeah, there's a kid out there (probably) with an email that's close enough to mine that I had to deal with "confirm your email" emails for a couple of weeks.  I guess I'm glad they send those out, and hopefully someone figured out... something.  You know?

The Times

Life just keeps happening, eh?  Despite us maybe wanting or needing a break or a pause.  It just keeps... going.

I saw some of my family this long weekend.  We were all nervous, and there was a lot of talking and sorting and figuring out in the month leading up but we feel we found a way to see each other as safely as possible, after nearly two years of nothing but FaceTime and phone calls and yes, there were hugs.

We're all vaccinated and we masked and distanced (after the hugs) but of course there's still a bit of "wait and see" now with hopes none of us were asymptomatic and spreading.

I really am so done with having to live with this, but my being done doesn't change anything and, well, no point in dwelling on what can't be changed.... not this morning anyway.

Almost two years on and people were taller (young people anyway) and some looked maybe older or had put on a little weight or aged and no, I didn't comment on this (other than the height) but I mean, yeah, life just... keeps on keeping on, no pause there, despite ... all this.

Ha!

I'm really just making this post because my brain thinks something is funny and now I have the giggles....

Y'all....?  I'm in an on again off again relationship with my radiator!  HA!

Yeah... I know, I know... ahem.

Anyway...

Long weekend here, so hope you're enjoying this extra day off if you have it.

Aaaaand It's Off Again!

My radiator I mean.

Cuz you know... shoulder season!

Ahem.

It's On Now

Last night was cold.  Very.  To me at least.... relatively speaking.

I closed my bedroom windows, I put on two extra blankets... then I was able to warm up.  

This morning I decided to turn my radiator on.  It is done.

Happy Fall.  For realsies now.

These Inbetween Days

I've heard this called a "shoulder season" but I think that refers more to tourist visit stuff (like hotel rates) than actual seasons but I'm using it anyway.

It's technically fall.  By the calendar.  But it's certainly not fully cold.

I still have my fans out, but I think I could have boxed them up this weekend and will likely do so soon.  Same with turning on my radiator.  It was chilly enough on Friday to do so but then the rest of the weekend was fine.

Nights are strange, temperature wise... a few nights ago I was freezing.  Like couldn't fall asleep I was so cold.  Got up and nearly fully closed the windows and threw my housecoat on top of my comforter cold.  So cold.  But then the next night I made sure I wasn't going to be cold and then I was too hot.  What?

I'm chilly at the start of a walk but undoing layers once I get going, so I haven't yet started using my winter workout leggings.... 

I've used my hot water bottle a few times but also boiled water to use it and then not needed or wanted it.  It really is very in between right now.

The days are an ok length although certainly notably shorter.... I'll probably start using my S.A.D lamp soon...

(My work place space isn't cool, so if I dress for the day, I'm warm there, so it's hard to know what to do and I've not done a winter there yet of course so I have no idea what I'll be wearing a few months from now...)

But yeah, nights are weird.  I have no idea when I go to bed if it'll be a warmer night and I'll need to throw blankets off, or if it's a cold night and I'll be shivering and need more or if it'll be an in between night of just the right amount of cool.

Not that I'm trying to rush things.... just noticing...

The Question Of The Day

 Do I..... do I turn on my radiator??

Uh..... No?

On a walk through a local park (where I do many of my walks) earlier this week, a nice young lady (wearing a mask) approached me and asked if I had seen a chicken.

No, I replied, I had not seen a chicken..... 

"Oh no..." she said, seeming quite distressed.

Did you... lose a chicken?  I asked.

And it turns out yes, that this young lady had indeed lost a (her?) chicken in the park.

I can not wrap my brain around this (because how?  why?  etc?) but I am pretty sure I was awake and not in an odd dream.

Yep.

Hurt

Jason and I had a big fight last week.

It happens, but this one was more than I could handle with all that's going on.

He said some things that were really hurtful and yes, we've talked it over calmly since (with apologies where necessary) but I'm also looking at what he said and what parts of what he said may be valid and, well, this is all a long way of saying I think I'm at a point of realizing the depression part of my mental health may need more attention than I've been giving it these last few years.

And hell no I don't want to talk about this or post about it but here I am.

Sigh.

I was depressed with a capital D a lot of years ago.  Pre-blog years, so you know, like a hundred years ago!

I remember distinctly how I felt and how it felt and my doctor sent me to an urgent counselling thing and they prescribed antidepressants and making a long and probably important story short, I'm not entirely sure they helped and coming off of them was hell.  

It was so awful ... the withdrawal, that I promised myself I would never get that unwell again.  Never would I let myself get so depressed I needed those medications again because no.  Awful.

And I never have been to that place again.  That level or type of depression I mean.  I have never felt that again and I'm so grateful and proud of that.  But I realized after some of the unkind things Jason said that I've probably been depressed for a while without really realizing it.

I mean, sure, my doctor told me I was when I first went off work but I'm not in that place any more.  And I mean sure, I feel low a lot of the time but not like I did way back when.  Nope.  

But y'all, my "depression test" type scores come out higher than my anxiety test scores right now and that... well that was a little shocking because I don't feel depressed?  Not like how I remember it?

And I mean, global pandemic.... am I right?  Aren't we all just hating it all?  We're not?  Huh?

So it's probably been a while.  And sure that kind of stuff can ebb and flow but I mean when was the last time I looked forward to something?  My last trip to Burning Man?  My last trip to anywhere?  Before I got sick and stopped work?  Depression and anxiety are horrible things and they work so terribly well together that the cycle is endless and tight and I don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life and there must be something more... right?

"What on earth did Jason say that was so hurtful?" you might be wondering.  And what it amounted to... among other things I won't repeat.... I was complaining ("whining" he said... sigh) about how hard this month has been and how I've had no life.... none at all... barely eating, not going anywhere, not doing anything at all and he said that that was no different from before I started work and I haven't had a life for as long as he's known me.

Yes.  Hurtful.  Absolutely.  Untrue?  Yes.  Certainly.  But if you look for the grain of truth in his fed up words.... I don't hugely disagree with what he could have said in a far nicer way at a much different time.

And sure we can put the blame on Covid for the last year and a half (is it that long?  longer?) but even pre Covid, my anxiety was keeping me from doing things.... socializing... travelling.... road trips.  I've not done much for maybe a year before Covid and certainly Covid was a valid reason not to do these things but as per my post a couple of days ago.... I mean, what now?

And if I'm doing this whole going back to work thing which has been SO awful (I'M NOT WHINING YOU JERK) and I'm dealing with extreme anxiety and panic attack most every day, especially on the days I go in to work place... well, then maybe I can push myself to do some of the things I actually want to do?  You know?

Maybe I'm seeing the strength this is taking to do this day after day after week after week and wanting to turn that strength towards things I might enjoy.  Even if my mental health has told me there's "nothing" I enjoy and all that horrible noise it puts inside my head.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention some reading I'm doing that is also helping this last while.  It's work by David Burns... one of the pioneers of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.  I'd read one of his books years ago and I guess it didn't hit quite the same way this is now.  I'm listening to his podcasts on my walks and working my way through a couple of his books and it's hitting in a really good way for me right now.  

I never (or at least very rarely) recommend anything to anyone who is dealing with their own mental health because we are all so incredibly different and there is absolutely no one thing or one size fits all but this stuff is helping and making sense to me right now and I'm grateful for that... along with all the other things I'm doing (counselling, certain natural supplements, some low dose "doctor prescribed" things, acupuncture, etc.) that work for ME.  I can not speak to how they might impact someone else and that's just how this stuff goes a lot of the time.

So anyway.  Yeah.  Heavy Big D depression is something I'm going to be turning some attention to once I'm a little more through this highly anxious first chunk of workplace things.

If any of this even made sense....