Just Summer Things

The warmth/heat is supposedly coming back this week.  And for those of you who don't live here, that means high twenties rather than low twenties.  You can imagine how happy and alive I've feel with the lower temperatures.  I've been sleeping.  And living without massive fan/air conditioner noise (I still have fans on but low setting so usually not noticeable!)  The sleep is a huge bonus for me like huge but the quiet is really helpful too.

My "heat happy" neighbour the other day said that she's actually mad about the cooler temps.  Which, I know there are others who feel similarly but I also have met a number of people over the last few weeks who are happy enough with the lower temps.  And me?  I love it.  I told my neighbour as much.  It's live giving for me.  

The warmer temps this week are right on the edge of my comfort level.  I'm hoping I do just fine.  I also am very aware that there is still a lot of summer left to happen but I'm trying to be day by day or even week by week..... 

I took down the "portable blackout curtains" a few weeks ago and on my bed I've had a few nights where I was able to put the weighted blanket back on but for the coming week I'm probably going to put the curtains back up this morning (they're a bit of a pain once the sun goes down as I don't want to take them off and put them back on every day but... is what it is... they help... not miraculously, but a bit.) and the weighted blanket has been taken back off.  

We had a neat little thunderstorm last week, that was cool (I like them because all my life, where I've lived they've been rare and I've been safe and until recently I didn't consider the forest fires they unfortunately tend to start sometimes....)

July's temperatures have been so kind to me so far and I'm so grateful and it has helped immensely to be able to sleep.  I do hope that continues as much as it can!

Oh.... No Thank You!

I have seen at least five spiders (different types) in my apartment this last week or so.  Now you probably know that I don't kill spiders and will usually let them know the lay of the land and that if they don't stick to my boundaries they will be escorted out.

A few weeks ago I accidentally killed a spider and felt terrible about it (I went to capture it against a wall and as I put the glass against the wall to trap it in it jumped/fell and I smushed its leg and yeah it was awful and I felt so bad) so I've been extra lenient with letting them stick around but I was also curious why I was seemingly suddenly seeing more than normal.

So I looked it up.  Internet says that they will often come inside to escape the heat and find shelter but it's not (KNOCK ON ALL THE WOOD PLEASE) been too too hot so I'm not sure that's it but it was also mentioned that July/August is their mating season.  This, I did not want to know and do wish I did not have that information in my head.

A couple of days ago I found a spider in a corner of my shower.  This is a fairly common chilling spot for the long legged skinny ones and because of my accidental murder I let it hang there when I would usually have removed it to the hallway.

But then I was having a shower yesterday and the spider was all curled up (I blew on it to make sure it wasn't dead) and my brain remembered the "they come inside at this time of year to mate" and I had the horrible thought that maybe it was a mama spider who was all resting to HAVE BABIES and like um, no.  No no no.

I mean I understand that you have babies and that's how reproduction works and yes I have seen egg sacs in my life before and yes I have seen baby spiders before (ALL SEVENTY GAZILLION OF THEM OMG!) but I don't want that to happen in my shower.... and plus, if it DID happen I would for sure accidentally kill some babies trying to move them and so like yeah no.  That spider got escorted out into the hallway. 

When I dropped it it tried to come back in the direction of my apartment so I had to give it another encouraging flick/push in a different direction.

But, yeah no.  I am not going to accidentally become a baby spider hospital location, ok?  Nope.  Nuh uh.  No way.  Now like I don't know if that's what that spider was doing but I sure wasn't going to wait to find out once I had that thought, you know?!

So I may not be as super lenient in letting them chill where I can see them.... because yes I know they're around all the time and are helpful friends but as I tell them.... I don't want to see you and you can not be in my bedroom or anywhere near me/my face.  OK THANKS BYEEEEEE.  (And the new one now is, you also can't have babies in my place apparently.)

Inside Out?

When it's time to try to fall asleep I roll over on my side and fold my arms up in a certain way.

The arm on the "bottom" side (closest to the bed) folds up and that hand goes on my shoulder and the "upper" arm folds so that my hand is under my face on my pillow.  (I'm not sure that this description makes sense?!)

But sometimes, I'll be in that position and trying to get to sleep and my arms feel backwards!  Like I don't really think through "ok this arm here that arm there", I just kind of curl up and try to sleep so sometimes I curl up and am like wait, why is my arm trapped?  Is this the way they go????  So it's like habit but not?

And no, I don't know how long it's been like this or if I've always fallen asleep like this or what.  But yeah... there is a backwards way to have my arms apparently!  (OH and PS, the foot on top has to flop in front, not behind...!) 

The Absence Of

I'm sure there are metaphors to be made from what I'm about to talk about but for now I'm just going to give you the literal story and let you fill in the metaphors as you see fit.

It used to be, for a long while, that there was a person who lived at the end of the dead end road I can see (and hear) from my apartment who had a loud (Harley Davidson) motorbike.  

I knew he had this motorbike because he would REV THE THING incredibly loudly as often as he wanted.  Leaving.  Coming back.  At whatever hours.  He would make the most obnoxious, impossible to miss noise and it quite often rubbed me the wrong way.  (I think being unnecessarily offensively loud is rude... to put it politely.)

Sometimes I'd walk past the motorbike and have the thought to push it over as a symbol of my annoyance from being woken up or disturbed by the ROARing of the pipes.  But I never did.  (But I thought about it.. in anger and frustration.) 

I once saw the guy on his bike with a giant grin on his face (an older fellow for whatever that's worth) and I tried to soften my frustration thinking how happy he must be on his bike but after chatting with a friend or two who have motorcycles and learning that there is no necessary reason to be making that much noise on purpose (I thought maybe it helped clear like soot out of pipes or something, I don't know, I was trying to be kind) I was just annoyed.

A couple of weeks ago my neighbour (the one I am friendly with) randomly messaged me about how the motorbike guy had moved.  She walks down that way to work every day and so had noticed the bike not being parked (on the lawn) and the piece of wood from the lawn (that kept the kickstand from sinking in to the grass) was also gone.

And I was surprised.  (I'm still cautiously not being thrilled in case he's just away for a while...it being the warm/dry season after all...) 

I was surprised because I hadn't noticed.  (And this is where that metaphor comes in by the way.)  I hadn't noticed the lack of noise.  I hadn't noticed not being annoyed a few times a day by the loud motorbike.  It stopped happening and I didn't register the lack of it.

My nervous system maybe did, somehow, deep in there, but I, on the surface, didn't.

I'm sure it's because it wasn't regular like clockwork or anything but still... it was interesting to me to notice that I hadn't notice the cessation of something that I didn't like.

(Now go apply that to some other things in your world/life, eh?) 

Maybe There's A Few Of Them?

Ok so I know this may shock some of you, but I'm not a bird. (Gasp!)

Which means, I do not understand how you can spend hours and hours a day screaming, sorry, I mean, singing/tweeting/calling.  Like dude/ette, where are you getting this energy?   

I'm sure I'm exaggerating but it really does sound like you're making noise all damn day (and night and morning!)  I know whatever you're saying is important but I don't know when you're doing all the other important bird things LIKE EATING when to me it seems like all you're doing is sitting somewhere nearby and shooting your shot.   

I'm Here

I'm here, I'm here.

I'm alright.  I'm alright.

I'm saying this for you and for myself.  I'm here and I'm alright.

The temperature dropped last week.  This has been a godsend for me (as you might imagine). It was such a relief the first day I woke to moderate temperatures.  I did a bunch of stuff around the house that had just felt like too much.  And that night I slept.  Really actually slept.  

It won't last, this I know, but I am so happy to have this right now.

Friendship situation with Jason got even worse, more destructive (to me) and I think that and the heat have just sapped any creative energy I might have wanted or needed.  

June went quickly.  

I'm trying to figure things out.  I want to be here (here here - this isn't a veiled admission of anything, I literally mean this blog.) 

I finished the last episode of a show I've really enjoyed last night ("The Bear") and I suppose there was some inspiration in that... in the celebration of the creative process it shows and in the "lean in to who you are" sense that those actors give each character.  

I'm tired.  Emotionally.  But I'm here and I'm alright.  I hope you are too. 

Thankfully Not!

I think it was Saturday afternoon when my cell phone rang with an unknown number.  Now I don't pick these up so it left a message.

The message was from my building management company talking about how my apartment was leaking down into the apartment below and so they needed emergency access and had been knocking on my door with no answer and so were going in.

Now, all of this was a surprise to me because, well.... no.  There hadn't been any knocking.  There was (I paused to listen) no sound of rushing water.  Additionally, my neighbour on the other side of the building had recently texted me about a plumbing problem/leak on HER side of the building!

So I called the fellow back.  Explained I had just missed his call and that no, there was no leak in my suite but there was on the opposite corner of the building!   

Thankfully there was not a leak/flood in my apartment, although I did have some water leakage out of my bathroom radiator earlier in the week (they're coming back to replace something this week) and the issue that caused the flood is something I (thankfully) had dealt with last year (my kitchen sink bubbling up when the upstairs neighbour emptied their sink.)

I'm sorry for the people who got flooded and hope things dried out and there wasn't too much damage.

My two radiator leaks/floods this year I'm glad I was home for and noticed (one was from above me when work was being done up there and the other was maybe possibly user error on my end but will be dealt with anyway since it shouldn't leak even fully "open")

Glad that wasn't me and oh, why did they call me?  Because the numbers on our bottom floor don't match the numbers on the other floors and so he assumed my apartment was above the flooded one but nope, thankfully for me not! 

Or Not

The weather the last week or so has been interesting.  Warm for a few days and then a couple of randomly comparatively cool days and then a hot day again and then probably some rain by the end of the week?  On Saturday the forecast was for about 8 degrees cooler than the days around it and I was so happy to be able to have my windows uncovered for some light (for me AND the plants) but then I was reminded that even if it was twenty it is still June and the sun still has more punch and I had to cover the windows anyway so yeah.

I did end up talking with my counsellor about adapting my approach to the heat as I was miserable and it was a massively stuffy humid day with a warm breeze when I went to that appointment.

He pointed out that my system (for reasons he and I have gotten in to) sees the heat as a threat and somehow that ended up being helpful  (I'm oversimplifying the conversation we had of course) so that now when I check on the forecast or the current temperatures and what my indoor sensors are saying I tell myself (outloud or loudly in my head) that this is not a threat and that I'm "just gathering information".

I'll say that it has helped with the caveat that it has been cooler since that appointment happened so I'm not yet sure if it'll help me when/if we have multiple hot days without a sign of a break.  But I'm mildly hopeful.

I've also talked about the loss I feel and the mourning, I suppose, around not enjoying summer anymore.  I used to go to beaches and lakes and be OUT in the warmth and heat.  Part of that, very honestly, is that those places are no longer enjoyable to go to what with the fighting for parking and the business and such and so there is, perhaps, an aspect of having "aged out" of beaches and lakes but still.... it's hard to think about the months ahead knowing that it's less likely I'll be out and about doing much.  But baby steps.  I'll see if I can attack my massive mental/emotional issues with my overheated apartment and how that impacts my sleep and all the stuff that goes with trying to cool my space and *then* I'll look in to maybe trying to expand my non working day days.  

So happy summer (officially now) to those of us who have summer now and may it be as mild and enjoyable as possible. 

Le Ouch

Thursday morning (of last week) I was woken somewhere around 5 am or so by a throat so sore that swallowing was almost impossible.  "Oh no" I thought followed by "I'm going to try to stay asleep and then I'll be fine somehow." But that didn't really happen or work and so I got out of bed Thursday morning with an incredibly sore throat.  Not *quite* strep throat level of pain but not "I might be sick" either.  Damn.

I had two appointments booked for that day, one being the dentist for a cleaning, so I made some calls and left messages explaining I wouldn't be making those appointments.  Not only did I not want to breathe whatever sickness on these nice folks, I also didn't feel up to dealing with a dental cleaning or anything while that miserable.

So for that day I just focussed on resting.  I gargled with salt water, I did a neti pot sinus rinse, I ate well and made sure I had vitamin C and I hydrated.  As the day went on the sore throat got better and better and this was a great sign!

And then on Friday morning I woke up with a sore throat all over again.  What?  It wasn't as sore as the previous morning but I'd gone to bed with no soreness and why was I waking up with it!

I decided not to go to the exercise class that has mainly older folks in it because I was NOT going to expose them to my whatever but I was still confused.  But again I took it easy on Friday and tried to take care of myself and the sore throat went away fairly quickly.  

Saturday morning?  You guessed it.  Sore throat when I woke up.  But less so than the last two days.  What????? 

I messaged my folks and told them that I wasn't going to visit on Sunday for Father's day as I was fighting a bug and didn't want to spread any germs. 

I woke up that Sunday morning with a normal non sore throat feeling (although the throat and area are still not back to normal) and I'm hoping that means I beat the bug but I'm also didn't push myself on Sunday so let's hope I continue to be on the mend from whatever this was.

Warm

It's been warm.  Decently so for those in the know (aka those who live here and know it's warmer than we're "used to" at this time of year).  I've tried all the things.  I wish I could say they helped dramatically.  But so far the only drama is my mood when I wake up after my second night of not really sleeping due to the heat.

I think for all I'm dealing with (the sun hitting the entire side of my space for the hottest hours of the day, and the old, likely poorly insulated building) I've got the best setup I could.  I'll walk you guys through the current set up another time (I have to get to work here soon, yes I'm LIVE BLOGGING... heh, not really but I am typing before work) but my next approach will be to work on my mental approach and hope for the best there.   

Dear Little Bird

Dear (Dark Eyed, according to the bird call app) Junco,

I do understand that you have things you are like biologically programmed to do.  Like, look for a fellow junco to try to have babies with.... and let other birdies know where you live and how cool/tough/whatever you are.  I get all this.

But my dude?  Your call is particularly ear piercing.  Especially at four something in the MORNING which seems to be when you decide to kick things off.  You see, most humans are wanting to be asleep at this time.  And while I know it's not humans you're trying to get the attention of, you are actually getting the attention of several of us (we've talked) because you are WAKING US UP!!!!!!

So um, I guess I can't ask you to, like, stop, since nature and biology and all but those of us who live in this particular building are maybe wondering, nay, praying! that you find a slightly different location to live in.  

With thanks,
Victoria and the rest of us who live on this side of the building and sleep with our windows open! 

Le Oops

I think that over the span of "I'm too overwhelmed to write consistently" and all that jazz I fully lost the habit of sitting myself down to write.  So um, that's a thing I'm going to have to like consciously push myself to do.  Oops.

This Month

Wow this month was a doozie. 

I'm laughing as I think this because I thought this was a thirty day month but it's a thirty one day month so tomorrow's actually still May but hey, close enough to matter right?  Right.  This month was a doozie.

I don't remember what I may have written about (heh.... may... May... heh) and I could probably look and maybe I will but I do know I only got a handful of posts out this month.  

This month started with heat.  That messed with me.  And by "messed with me" I really mean "completely fucked me up".  I was so grateful when that heat broke and the rest of this month was decently weathered.  This last week has actually been almost cold?  I mean not *actually* cold but temperatures that made me very happy and breezes that weren't warm and nights that had my room cold enough to not interfere with sleep.  I really needed that.

Sleep, it seems, is something that kept fucking with me this month.  I only half mentioned it but I did a sleep study, or I attempted to do a sleep study and I did not sleep a wink that night and it was awful and really really hellish and that night of complete not sleep was so much worse than the nights where I say "I didn't sleep" but now know that honestly not sleeping is so so so much worse than a really bad night's sleep or a night where you don't sleep much or don't sleep well or don't sleep deeply.  

A few weeks after the fact, after I had some kind of (existential?) breakdown (no, really) the counsellor I saw said she figures that night of no sleep dis-regulated me (let's pretend that's professional speak for "completely fucked me up!") and I just never quite got re-regulated or whatever and so when the really bad weekend happened it wasn't totally about that weekend, it was all the things leading up to it.

But yeah.  A rough rough month.  Without jinxing anything, I'm happy that my physical body has handled it all as well as it has.  (I did back it up with like Cold-FX and hydration and food and at least mild exercise so good on me for that.)  

I feel like I'm a year behind in story telling and so that makes it hard to know how far to back up and how much to gloss over (or not.)

June's next.  People here lament a weather phenomenon they like to call "June-uary" and you can bet I'm hoping June lives up to that chilly name.  Monday and Tuesday of next week are forecast to be warm, which fuuuuuuuuuuuck for me and yay for many others.  

For the record, I have put another chunk of money into things I am hoping may help me do a bit better with the heat this summer....

I got not inexpensive noise cancelling ear pods (yes you know the brand name, no I don't need to advertise for them) and when I had my air conditioner on at the start of the month it was seriously incredible how well they cancelled that hum.  Will I manage to wear them for hours a day when I need to?  I'm not sure.  But at least I have them to try, you know?  We'll see.  So that was a chunk of change.

I also bought some not inexpensive but well reviewed "portable blackout curtains" that attach to the window with the hope that fully blacking out the sun hitting my delicious windows rather than putting the blinds down and a blanket *over* the blinds... which doesn't help all that much, but a little may help.

My bedroom is the place I need to be the coolest (so I have a better shot at sleeping) and I don't have plants in there so it's not a problem if it's black in there all day.  I'm still not sure what to do about trying to move air in there as I usually try to bring air in from outside in the evening but I also know that when it gets how it gets (warm and stifling) there isn't cool air to bring in so I'm not sure if I can improve my bedroom situation but we'll see.....

I also invested in some Dyson fans.  They have a new smaller one that I'm going to try in my bedroom (It's ordered but not here yet, so I won't have it for the hot couple of days next week.) with the hopes that the "bladeless" fan might allow me to sleep with it going?  I've never been able to sleep with a fan on as somehow the moving air bothers me enough to keep me awake (even though I can sleep through a wind storm that might blow into my bedroom windows?!)  So again this is an untested hope, like the ear pod buds things..... Really hope it helps and hoping I didn't just "waste" money, you know?  

I also got a regular sized Dyson fan for my main room (I think) to try to avoid relying on box fans which also have a noise that drives me nuts.  

I mean this is all just me trying things.  Trying things that cost money and I am not super sure yet if they'll work or help but I am desperate to not just suffer through another summer.  So it's like every year for the last few years (maybe since the heat dome?) I've tried to purchase something else I hope will help.

So my fingers are crossed.  And I'm so grateful for the cool we've had the last while.  (I mean I have put away and brought back out my fuzzy pj bottoms three times and I'm wearing them and have a hot water bottle on my back as I type this, I'm so happy about it.)

And yeah.  This month was a doozie.  

Not

The last two weeks for me have been a lot of not.

I did *not* force myself to go to the gym when my body 1. needed rest and 2. was healing from stitches.

I did *not* force myself to write blog posts when my brain was content doing whatever other small thing I was relaxing doing.

I know that that's only two things but it was more than that and even those two things repeated a handful of times over a week or two feels like it added up.

It feels like/felt like I needed to rest.  That I was allowing myself to rest.  And so far I'm glad I did.

I am a little bit nervous that I may not jump back into going to the gym since the only thing I enjoy about the process is being done... which makes it something I do not at all look forward to anymore (which is a big bummer.) But that's not a today problem.  We'll see how I feel at the end of this week.  But I am tired.  And low energy and low mood and it's ok that I took the time and gave myself the grace to rest.  (Not that I did nothing, I just didn't push myself to do the hard hard things.) 

Ok Hi

It's a long weekend here, which is personally very much appreciated after the week I just had.

I'm delighted at how cold it has been.  It, of course, feels even colder because in winter I had my radiator on but I'm so grateful for these cold breezes and especially the cold at night - it means I'm more likely to be able to sleep .... one less thing getting in the way of that.

It'll warm up again, I know this, and I'll struggle, more than likely, so I am revelling in this.  In the extra blanket I rescued from the closet, in the hot water bottle I've had at my feet during the afternoon (on my couch) it is perfect for me, I'm happy.

This week was rough though.  I'll give you a summary....

Unexpected lip biopsy and stitches.  A giant pimple on my nose (making me look like I was in some kind of fight.. busted lip, busted nose....).  A sleep study attempt that had me not sleeping at all.  Like, not at all.  And the aftermath of that.  May not sound like much but it was.  But I'm ok, on the mend, got some sleep, enjoying cool but sunny weather and light into the evening.

Happy May Long weekend.  Hope you're good. 

I Got Stitches!

Ok that's totally a click bait title, but not untrue... tee hee.

I had a thing on my bottom lip.  Doctor sent me to an oral pathologist (I put off making the appointment for a few months, oops).  

The good news is that my extended health benefits actually covered most of the (not inexpensive) cost, yay!  (I was warned by the office that it might not.)

The thing on my lip got cut out to be sent to the hospital to get checked (just to be safe) and the doctor person put in three stitches from the biopsy wound!

It's weird.  Because I can feel them and have to actively remind my tongue to leave them alone.... and I don't really understand how things are supposed to heal and maybe there will be a scar and I didn't go in expecting this to happen but better safe than sorry I suppose?  It's probably nothing (or nothing serious I should say) but here we are.

So yeah, I got stitches!  And I wish I had a 'fun' story to tell but nope, just "they cut a thing you probably never noticed off my lip to make sure it's not cancer" yay?  In the limited research I did it never occurred to me that it would be biopsied and maybe a cynic would say that like that's what a pathologist is going to do, duh but I just guess I try to trust my medical team you know?   

I Wish

One small (to me) thing that I would like to completely eliminate from the world with the snap of my fingers is scented laundry products.

The laundry room in my building is a floor below me and the vent for it is vaguely near my bedroom windows.  BUT, the scents from that vent reach into both my bedroom AND my living room when the wind is low or whatever.  And you guys?  When someone uses a scent filled product I end up having to put my air purifiers on to try to eliminate the smell.

My neighbour recently picked up an exercise jacket (that sounds weird but it's a jacket made of like workout material, I don't know how else to explain it?) and she washed it before she gave it to me and the thing had been washed/dried with scented stuff and it got all over her laundry and made all her stuff smell.  I wasn't able to wear the jacket.  I sprayed it with unscented Febreeze (which is no longer available??????!!!!) and it didn't do much.  I sprayed it with vodka (as they apparently do backstage at operas and ballets?!) and it still stunk.

I ended up taking it to Jason's (on one of my increasingly rare visits over there) and leaving it there to "air out" for like a month or something and it finally ended up not stinking.  But it took months of trying to get rid of that scent.

I'm not great with scents as it is, but there's something about the laundry smells wafting unwanted into my apartment that I really hate.  

I'm sure folks would be upset by my snapping this out of existence but we'd survive you know?  We did before and we would again.  Sigh.  I really don't like it.  

Thinking It Through

We had a person at work suddenly resign and a temporary replacement started for that position this week.

In a rather unusual turn of events, I was somehow immediately like... comfortable with this new person.

They are (I think?) older than me, and male but gave me the impression and vibe that they are not straight.  And somehow that seems to have told my system that they are a safe person?  I feel comfortable with them (it probably helped that one of my favourite colleagues gave them a warm welcome so that set the tone of "good person" for me I guess?) But yeah, I'm sort of trying to figure out why I feel like this person and I could totally be work buddies when I have literally just met them.  

The awkward part I'm wondering about is that if I think they're gay, then they're not interested and therefore I can be friendly without it being taken the "wrong way"?  (I mean I'm not sure they're gay but....)

So yeah, that's been a bit of an unusual thing to think about.... 

The Wins

I'm still not really sleeping.  But the weather turned in my favour and for that I'm extremely grateful.  

I saw my doctor on Monday and when I mentioned I wasn't sleeping she asked why and to that I didn't have an answer.  Like, if I knew that I'd fix it, you know? 

Oh No

Oh I am in rough shape.

I haven't slept well since Wednesday of last week.  Or more accurately, I have slept terribly since Friday.  And by "terribly" I mean "it feels like not at all" and you guys?  I wake up wishing I weren't.  

It's been an awful few mornings.  I think (and hope) it's in part some medication changes I was trying.  One was a new to me allergy med (that I was trying for non allergy reasons, having been convinced by the internet it might help .... I know, that sounds terrible and un-smart but I did some research and figured it was worth a try.) that was a "non drowsy" and I wonder if that non drowsy part made me like non... sleep, but maybe it was just a co-incidence?  And another night was me being so sleepy that when I was in bed and realized I forgot my night time sleep-helping meds I thought "I'm sleepy enough I don't need them!" and then, well I didn't sleep.  Turns out I *did* need them.  (But on nights like that it's not like I think to get out of bed at whatever o'clock and take the meds in a "better late than never" kind of thing because my exhausted tired sleep deprived brain is somehow convinced I'll just fall and stay asleep "any minute now".... over and over.  I'm not smart when I'm not sleeping.  These things don't occur to me past like 1am or so.

And let's add on to those nights a need to sleep in the middle of the night which doesn't help anything and then a noisy bird with a shrill song that is trying really hard to attract a mate or claim a territory or something and somehow the tone of that birdsong is enough to keep me awake and this dude starts at like 4 in the morning or something and when I'm in my "dear god I need to sleep" mode it's just like ugh.

Without forgetting it has also been warm the last few days and as much as I try to cool my apartment and bedroom space with various attempts it just doesn't get to a cool cool temperature and that doesn't help me either.  

The forecast looks to be cooling off in the next few days and dear lord I'll take the respite but that means little to my anxious mind that knows full well summer is coming and there's no relief for a while.  Cool days here and there for sure, but nothing major for a while.  I don't know how to do this.  I feel like I've said that every spring/summer for the last few years and I keep trying but my god this is awful and it's awful to have that in the future.  I hate how hard this heat is for me.  I don't even remember right now what it's like to enjoy summer and warmth.  I try not to complain out loud to people because so many people love the warmth and the sun (and we don't even get THAT hot here) but I don't and I can't (at least I haven't figure out how to convince my body to yet????) and like I can't change where I live and the fact that I get the hottest part of the day's sun all afternoon onto my awesomely giant big main window.  I don't live in a house that is insulated and protected.  I don't even have the ability to open windows to get a cross breeze.  It just all is what it is but I hate that I feel so alone in my suffering even though people know I'm not a fan (pun not intended) it still all sucks.  And I can't just run fans and stuff all day because I can't handle the noise and I'm sure I've complained about this before but no that suggestion didn't help and no that idea didn't work and no I can't just X, Y, Z.  And no, my air conditioning unit helps but isn't doing what my air conditioner in my car does.  Enclosed space vs giant open room space.  This all sucks and I really wish it didn't.

And I wish I wasn't in this terrible of a mood and headspace from the lack of sleep.  

I'm going to try so hard this summer.  But I already feel like a failure who is suffering with no escape.  I hate this.