I Know You Know

So I yelled at someone who didn't hear me the other night.

I was half asleep, trying to be fully asleep, a thing you know I value and need, quite desperately, when one of the people who live generally in my neighbourhood decided to REV their motorcycle REALLY loudly on the way down the street.   I know what the motorcycles around here sound like.  I know generally how loud they are, and this was excessively loud and on purpose.

So, I yelled.  

"SHUT UP!!!!"  

At them.  Knowing, in my head, that they didn't hear me.

But it made me feel a little tiny bit better.  

But still pretty damn annoyed.  

And yes, it was fully night time.  Not that late light dusk still light out time.  I'm talking like after 11pm kind of time.  You know, NIGHT NIGHT QUIET TIME!

 

WHY Though????

I think I'm used to seeing more spiders around in fall, and I always chalked it up to "well, the temperatures are changing to be cooler and so they want to come inside" or something but I have NO idea why I'm seeing so many spiders around my place in the last few weeks.  Is it now too hot and so they're coming inside?  Are they always inside and just seeking different places?  WHY?  WHY ARE YOU ALL HERE!?

I had the smaller large ones in my bathroom that I mentioned and then there was a bigger one in my bathroom that I was just letting be.  

But THEN, one day I went to grab my gym bag out of the closet for some exercise I already didn't want to do and there was a GIANT BIG ONE IN THERE!  GAH!

It was too high up on the ceiling for me to capture so I got a thing to knock it down and of course that backfired and it fell directly onto the floor but it's dark in closets so I couldn't see where it fell and it looked like it might have fallen into my gym bag AHHHH!  So I had to dump out the entire contents and shake everything that was in there and even then I wasn't sure I got it, but I dressed, and went to the gym and hoped I could forget about it once I got home.  Oh, and I also left the door open so it could get the hint and leave.

When I got home, it was gone and I figured it had skedaddled elsewhere, but that night when I went to close the closet door IT WAS BACK!  NOOOOOoooooOOOOoO!

I don't quite remember how I got it this time, I think I went on tippy toes and tapped it into a glass that then got dumped in the hallway.

And I feel like this is the third or fourth long legged spider I've done that with in the last couple of weeks!

Plus the one that made me nearly chuck my laptop across the room. 

And then not that long ago I was going pee and there was a little scuttly guy on the floor!

So, again, glass, dump in hallway, put now contaminated glass in dishwasher.  Sigh.

Why so many spiders right now?  Why?  (Internet suggests there are likely reasons but I just want to not see them so much!)

 

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

The temperatures were set to be up a little bit starting this weekend, and I kind of shrugged it off because the numbers were still in the low twenties rather than up higher like they were in the "hot" spell we had a few weeks back.  

Jason texted me Sunday morning and told me to get my air conditioner going.  Nah, I said petulantly... it's not going to be THAT hot!

And for a bit, it wasn't.  

I went and got groceries and thought to myself, hmmm, it's actually quite warm out, maybe I should think about that A/C?  But no.  I still didn't think it would get that hot and maybe that meant I had a point to prove about it?

Sigh.

So fast forward through the day to the afternoon when I yanked down all the blinds and coverings and told myself it still wasn't going to be THAT hot.

But... by the usual "it's too hot" time, I was, here's the spoiler... kind of too hot. 

Sigh.

Did I put the air conditioner on?  NOPE!  Why?  

I dunno.  Stubborn?  To punish myself into having such a miserable time I'd not make that mistake again?  To test the system?  Like maybe 23 is a threshold I'm fine with?  Because I overthink and don't want to deal with the noise and the "ruining the environment with air conditioning" and the cost and just want to pretend like *this* summer is going to be manageable and I'll be fine?

I mean I was fine.  I just wasn't good.  Because 23 outside means 25 or 26 in my place.  And it doesn't really cool down at night unless there's a breeze.  Which... I mean, yeah.  There wasn't.  Sigh.  And at about 7pm that evening, I "caved" (to myself?) and threw the air conditioner on anyway to cool myself down in hopes that might just make sleep more likely that night.  I dunno man.

So I fully did it to myself... made myself hotter than I had to be.  Let my place get hotter than it had to be.  Made for a more miserable afternoon than it needed to be.

But, I also, I guess, reminded myself why it's better to have the air conditioner running, making noise, using electricity, and whatever else, than to feel kind of nasty and too warm.

This is probably the second time I've done this this calendar year and while I can say I hope it's the last, I also know I can't promise that because I do have this wicked stubborn streak and, well, I gotta slap myself in the face a few times... metaphorically speaking.... to learn, I guess. 

Oh Canada

It's Canada day today.  Happy Canada Day.  

We are a flawed country with a challenging past, and we are also a country that has a lot of beauty, both physical and human....

Over the weekend I went for a walk and ended up in our local capital P park.   We have a lot of parks of varying size and complexity but this is kind of like the main one in this area.  I walked through it a lot during quarantine but haven't really been back to it since, so when I headed out on Saturday, I let myself wander that way and what I saw really made me feel so happy to be living in this country.

There were two teams playing cricket on the cricket field.  Teams made up of folks who are most likely immigrants or the children of immigrants.  (And from what I could read of the score board one team seemed a lot um.... better than the other... d'oh!)  There were some young folks nearby, mainly white, playing some sort of SCA game (Society of Creative Anachronism).  There was a group of latinos carrying a soccer ball to find a pitch.  There were families celebrating birthdays or playing lawn bowling together.  A choir singing motown and other covers with hundreds of people listening, singing along and dancing.  There were probably tourists visiting from who knows where.  I saw folks of all races and colours and ages and genders and it was so very much how I see Canada.... that collection of people who have come here and are welcome to be who they are and how they are and to celebrate our collective differences together.  

I was thinking about it on the way home, how I would bet that if you travelled across the country there would be variations of this in other places.  With cultural differences and social differences aligned with that part of the country.  How we on this coast are different from those on the other coast.  From the big cities.  From the oldest cities.  From the center provinces.  From the northern spaces.  But that we all, at least in my mind, feel like we're one.  

I know we're not perfect.  I know we have so many here that we don't treat well.  I know things could be improved.

But I'm also very glad I'm here, and very glad that, at least in my town, people seem to feel free to be who and how they are.  That made me happy.  

Happy Canada Day.  Eh? 

Difficulty

I'm finding it really hard to manage the outside world right now.  By that, I mean the news that's coming from other places.  The things I find unconscionable.  And because of that, as I mentioned the other day, I'm doing an awful lot of distracting, which for me right now means watching shows (usually while also playing on my phone).

Which also means, I am not making the time to write.  Or, to be fair, to do much of anything else.  My place isn't as clean or tidy as I'd like.  I have the recipe out for making cookies, but they've not been made.  The big basics are getting done (laundry, dishes, food) but not the rest.  Which doesn't help as that sort of hovers at the back of my mind stressing me out on top of it.

I was thinking the other day about bias and that I absolutely have bias (as all humans do.)  And that my bias, if I look at it, is to prefer people who think like I do.

People who think we should be allowed to love who we love and express our sexuality freely (with the exception of what I think are the obvious - non consensual things, and children.)  People who think we should look out for each other as humans.  People who think religion is not a reason to murder.  People who think conservatism means taking away rights and freedoms.  I am biased towards those who think similarly to me, I am.

But I'm also having a hard time with the extremism that I've seen out of people who share similar beliefs as me.  And I don't feel comfortable saying that online or in social media spaces.  

It's all a lot out there, and I'm trying to function and that means to ignore it but it also means I have to work extra hard to make the brain space for things like this.  

So yeah.  It's not ok out there big picture.  So I hope you are working to make things ok for you and yours... small picture.  You know? 

Harumph

I'm eyeballing the weather forecast for next week (starting Sunday) and I'm not impressed.

Yes, I know it's the end of June.  Yes I know it's summer officially now.  And yes, I know this is how it's going to be off and on for the next chunk of time but I was SO enjoying the cooler weather the last week or so, especially after that warm few days we had earlier in the month.  And so now I'm pouting that that's going away.  

Sigh. 

 

Update on Sunday:  looks like things have settled a bit and it's now going to be just a little warm rather than UGH warm, phew! 

Well, Boo

For the last while it's seemed like all of the books on my "to read" list at the library are popular.  I don't like reading a book with a time line so when others are waiting for the book I won't take it out, and because I haven't found any library books lately that aren't too popular for my liking, I've "let" myself buy some books.  (A pricey thing I've tried to stop doing but that got set off by gift cards in December....)

I took a glance at a bargain bin at a store the other day and there was a book that I've seen the tv adaptation of and it was only a few bucks.  I was pretty happy to give it a try!  There was a moment in the store where I thought "have I read this already?" but I figured for like three bucks it wasn't that big of a loss if I had.

When I got home, I checked my library checkout list and it wasn't on there so I figured that made it even more likely I haven't read it before. 

Fast forward to last night and I finished the book I was reading and pulled this one out to start.

Opened it up to the first page and hmmmm.... I think I did actually read this one?  But maybe not?

I read a few more pages.  Hmmm.... 

But I did watch the show so maybe that's why it's familiar?

Except the show, of course, doesn't go in to this much detail, so.... yeah, I think it's likely I read this book already?

But maybe I can read it again?  

Except I don't think I loved it enough as a book to read again and I'm not that interested in reading it again and if I'd really loved it I would have kept it in my collection.

So, yeah, I think I've read this book and am not wanting to re-read it but a part of me is still partially convinced that maybe I *haven't* read it?

But I'm also bummed as I'm running out of purchased books to go through and my library list is full of busy and popular reads.

Oh dramatic sigh.  I just want to look forward to going to bed to read whatever great book I have on the go, you know?  Bummed that this one is seeming to be a repeat. 

 

GAH! (Literally)

I was on a call with C-Dawg yesterday when the sun came out (it's been a bit more cloudy/slightly rainy the last few days, yay) and I wanted to make sure my place didn't heat up.  So I wandered into my bedroom to turn the fan on and when I got to the window where the fan is, there was a spider who had used the leg (?) stand of the fan to make a nest and I squealed!

I mean not terribly loud or long or anything but C-Dawg got to witness my "I JUST SAW A BIG SPIDER!" noise and then we got off of the call pronto so that I could escort said spider out into the hallway (and knock down the web thing.)

This is the third spider I've seen this week, and I'm not sure why (or that I want to think about why) but the one in my bathroom I annoyed until it moved (it was in the shower and I don't like looking at them and thinking about them falling on my head as I'm in there, so I blew on the web a bit until it eventually moved and now it's in another corner I'm not worried about.) There's also one in my kitchen and it's a BIG ONE but I'm letting it be as it's kind of ignorable if I don't look in that particular corner above that particular cupboard.   But yeah, three spiders this week.  

OH, and I nearly forgot, a small one that nearly made me break my laptop.

See, I sit most of the time on my couch/lounger with my knees up and a laptop "desk" (for air flow, in theory) and my laptop.  This is how I type and watch shows and all the rest and it's how I relax especially at night.

So I'm there the other night watching who knows what (see "distracting self" from previous post.. sigh) and right next to the keyboard, on the lap desk thing there was suddenly this small little spider and I PANICKED!

As I I yelled and sat up and kind of half threw the lap desk towards my feet even though MY LAPTOP WAS ON IT!!!! and then the spider got knocked on to my blanket but my laptop was ok, and I realized I should be more careful but I flicked the spider a few times until it fell on to the floor and then I felt really badly that I nearly yeeted my laptop due to spider proximity panic.  SPP.  It's dangerous y'all! 

Welp

It was kind of hard to make time to blog this weekend what with all the existential dread from... *waves vaguely at the sky* stuff.  

Stuff, to be clear, well out of my control but still stuff.

Not that I'm frozen by the worry, just that I think I spent more time distracting (hello tv shows I'm bingeing how are you!?) than stopping to focus and make thoughts and write them down.

I'll try though.   

Oh. Oh!

Have you ever judged someone for not "seeing" a street sign?  Like, how can you not know you can't DO what you just did?

Well, I know I have.

Which means I was extra shocked and embarrassed when I realized I'd missed a street sign for several months in a row.

At some point this year my drive to work got hit by some road work construction that made getting through downtown in the morning quite miserable, so after a few trips of this, I decided to change up my route a little to avoid that particular stretch of work. 

So I turn back on to the road I was avoiding but up a bunch of blocks and when I'm at the front of the line and the perpendicular traffic is turning left, I'd quite happily turn right myself, yay!  And off I'd go.

I was a solid few months in to doing this when one morning I noticed a "no right turn on red" sign and OMG was I embarrassed.

I literally had not noticed that sign and it's not like this was my first or second day doing the drive, it had been a while.  I was kind of horrified.

So now I've had a strong reminder that maybe those people who aren't doing the "right thing" are just like me and in fact considerate drivers who somehow completely missed a sign.  Crazy. 

I know driving can be stressful, and it's likely that the first time I tried the new route I was a little stressed and so just did what I have done before in these situations and then the next time just did what I'd done before, etc etc.  I'm grateful I did see the sign (oh no, now I'm singing that Ace of Base song! SORRY! D'oh!) and that I didn't hurt anyone or get in trouble or ticketed or anything.  But yeah, my bad! 

 

Updated to add:  So the morning after I typed this out, on my way to work the person in front of me did what I'm describing, so I was like ok it's not just me!  And then I noticed that the sign is actually not just a "street's" width away, it's across like six highway lanes so it isn't quite as in your face as most signs and maybe that's why I (and others) didn't notice it at first! Phew? 

Why So Big?

I was walking to the gym the other day and I passed a BIG truck that was parked along the way.  Now, I was on the sidewalk (duh) which is... I don't know how "tall" actually, and then I had on my runners, so another inch or so and the TIRE of this damn truck came up to practically my shoulder.  If I had been on the street, I think the tire might have been as tall as me?  

I looked, it was a (Dodge?) Ram 3500, so not like a business truck, just a GIANT truck you or I could buy off of the lot and drive.

I have no idea why it needs to be that big (sure I get that some folks pull fifth wheels or big boats and stuff, but this didn't seem to be a towing type truck).

I have no idea why a truck that isn't a commercial vehicle needs to be big enough that the driver wouldn't even be able to see most, if not all of me, out of their front window.  It's crazy.

I know I'm not the only one that feels this way but man that was insane to see it THAT BIG from the sidewalk, you know? 

Well, I Thought It Was Interesting!

When I bought my portable air conditioner unit, I bought (from the company so that I knew it would fit/work) a drainage container.  Not having grown up with or around air conditioning, I didn't really know that they like... create water that needs taken... away?  I guess window units drip out the window but this one, unless I used a continual draining hose and stuck it out my window (to drip on my neighbours!?) I have to empty it regularly.  So I bought a thing that fits right under the drainage spout to make it less likely I spill (but I still spill from time to time.)

I'm always surprised by how much water drains out at the end of a day, but I've never actually measured how much it is.  That is, until last week!

For whatever reason, I finally decided to pour it out of the container thing and into a measuring cup thinking it might be a couple of tablespoons worth but it was half a cup's worth!!!

And no, I didn't taste it or keep it I just measured it and poured it out but still, I thought that was so cool!

I told Jason (who grew up with A/C) and he was like "oh that's nothing" but it wasn't nothing for me!  And when I emptied it out the next day it was nowhere near as much, like maybe a spoonful (I didn't measure) so I still think that half a cup means it was quite a humid day (I assume that's the thing that's happening?) and yeah I thought that was pretty cool. 

Oh.

I clean my phone and laptop screens fairly regularly.  I also get annoyed when I clean my laptop screen and it ends up streaky at certain angles.  (Dramatic sigh while knowing this is not an actual issue and I'm lucky to complain about this kind of stuff!)

More than a year ago a friend who works in IT told me about the cleaning cloths they use and sent me a link.  I thought it was a silly waste of money but in a moment of high stress I stress bought some and they arrived this week.  I skeptically pulled one out to try it, not expecting much.

I used this tiny cloth to clean my laptop screen, my phone screen, my watch screen, and the keyboard of my laptop.

And you guys?  I had no idea how badly I've been "cleaning" my phone screen!

I mean I get it clean, I do.  Streaks and fingerprints gone.  But this cloth thing?  The screen glowed.  I had no idea.

(And then over the next day or so I watched that glow fade as I got moisturizer and human skin marks and whatever else on the screen.  Who knew!?)

So yeah.  There is cleaning a screen and then *actually really* cleaning a screen.  Now I know.  Crazy. 

Not

I am finding a lot of moments right now where I feel like I'm struggling with feeling "ok".

I'm sure there's a low level of stress waiting for my car to be fixed (they can't get me in right now and I get that I'm not a high priority... but still!) as it's sort of hovering always at the back of my mind.

Any time I look on social media I see things that are really upsetting.  All across and around the world.  I fight the battle of being informed and aware and staying vaguely calm, but I am not always good at that battle.

With that sort of low level stress vibration, little things become quite anxious things very easily.

I start to think too much about things that haven't happened but are going to... eventually.  (Not listing them, it will set me off for sure to do that.)

All the What ifs  and Oh no, whens.... they're gnarly.

I'm even (first world problem) struggling to find shows that are good enough to distract me.... many of them just feel blah when I go to watch them.

I think that's why I re-watch good shows more than not. Familiar friends, I know generally how things are going to go and what's going to be ok (or not.)

 

Relief

We got a *lot* of relief from the heat spell.  So much so that I was VERY cold in bed on Wednesday night and debated getting up to get an additional blanket but I was also so happy to be cold I just lay there being cold.  Thursday and Friday nights I did get that additional blanket, quite gleefully, I might add.

I bought some curtains that were billed as "thermal blackout" curtains that people had told me would make a huge difference, but I put them up as a test on one of the not so hot weekend days and I'm not kidding when I say that I put them up over my windows with blinds up (to see what they could do) and not only did the light come through quite obviously, but the curtains were warm to the touch within minutes.  On a not hot day.  So needless to say those went back.

Maybe I'll go looking again for some that are actually thermal whatever (I'm assuming those would have a backing layer unlkie the ones I tried) or maybe I'll just stick to my blanket that I also tested (It let no light through and wasn't warm to the touch) 

But it has been lovely to have these sunny, long, bright days and not feel warm or hot.  That's my ideal.  I can have the windows open for fresh air (thank you for the breeze when it happens!) and I can have my blinds open to get light to my plants (and myself!) and I can have a better shot at sleeping at night because it's cool.  Perfect.

Looks like we'll continue to have a cooler week this week and maybe some rain even (which, as always, we need) so I'm enjoying the cool (and the light and the quiet) while it's here for SURE.

 

Signs of Age

A week (? a few days?) ago, I noticed a smallish puddle near my car's back tire. 

Now, I don't like puddles around my car when it's not raining, but this one wasn't even in a spot where there might be expected drippage, like from an air condenser or something innocuous.

I touched my finger to it and it wasn't water, there was some substance to the liquid and this made me extra nervous.  I was going to see Jason that afternoon so I mentioned it to him.  Well, he said, there are really only two things that could be leaking at that site.... your brakes or a shock.  How do your brakes feel?

Well, this isn't a great question to hear, especially since I was already kind of stressed by the whole "my car isn't ok and this means money and time" thing.  Plus I have some trauma from when my van had the issue and the breaks didn't break and it's really not something I like to think about but also it is a sensation I haven't forgotten.  GAH.

I told him that I figure, I think, hopefully ? I would have noticed if my brakes were not ok?  So hopefully it wasn't that?  I'd been parked at his place for a couple of hours by the time I thought to just go take a look to see if there was drippage and sure enough there was.  I'd checked because as I said to Jason it's within the realm of possibility that someone had parked in my parking spot and leaked some oil or something and it wasn't my car at all?  So now that there was a drip in this new parking location we knew it was my car doing the leaking.  AAAAAHHHH!

Jason, being calmer and car-smarter than I, popped the hood and checked the brake fluid.  Completely topped up.  So very unlikely it was a brake leak.  Which left us with probably a shock leaking.  Well, I'm now stressed to like a 10.... we have a great mechanic we both trust and really like but I can't handle his parking lot and so when Jason said we have to take it to him in the morning to make sure it's not brakes and that you're ok to drive (this was on my off days from work and heading in to the weekend so not like I HAD to get to work or anywhere in the next few days) I kind of lost it.  But this also seemed like a really sensible and smart thing to do, asking a professional to take a look at the whatever and let me know if I was ok to drive on it.

I didn't sleep the night before.  Partially due to the heat, but mainly due to my stress at dealing with the parking lot (no, seriously, there are so many cars that cost more than my yearly pay check in the lot and it's TINY) and the potential for having to deal with this and some anxiety about driving it on the highway to work even though I probably had that week unknowingly?  (Oh and I'd put down some cardboard at the location when I got home that night after confirming it was indeed my vehicle doing the leaking.  Just wanted to put that out there... responsible car ownership and all... and I bought some stuff to clean any mess up once it's fixed.)

Went in first thing the next morning and tried to anxiously (I think I babbled?) to the mechanic and he walked over, got down and said immediately... yep, you have a blown shock.  Jason had arrived by that time (I'd asked him to come too to help but I got there first.) and I looked at him in shock.... "how did he... how did you?  how do you just... KNOW that?" and they both looked at me and the mechanic said "it's wet.  If you look where the shock is you'll see it's not dry."  Like that was just the simplest thing in the world.  Hmmm....

So we told him what shocks I want (Jason and I had talked about this before hand) and since I said to just replace all of them (I have some money saved up precisely for car repairs) as it's a 15 year old car after all, he said he'd order them in and call to let us know when to bring it back in.  (Between you and I I'm hoping it's a call for a day that I work so that I am "forced" to take the day off but that's a horrible thing to admit, no? Ahem) 

When I got home, I went and looked at the shock (after I figured out where to look ... by staring at the general area for a while!) and then I looked at the shock on the other side and OK now I know what a dry shock looks like and my one shock is very much NOT that.  Whoops.

I've been meaning to deal with my suspension for a while as my car has been "creaking" going over (slowly going over) speed bumps for a while but this has made it a "must do" rather than a "should get around to looking at doing that."  I can't say I've noticed anything major, but who knows when this happened.  I don't think I've driven my car since that happened/was discovered/confirmed so my next highway drive before the fix might make me a little overly anxious but I specifically asked the mechanic if I was ok to drive it and he gave me a "oh yeah" kind of thing so I'll just continue being my cautious, speed limit, right hand lane driving self and hope that the parts come in quickly.

I'm very grateful it isn't something worse and I'm very proud of myself for having saved up the money so that that part is not as much of a stress.  And I'll get back to saving up again here right away.

But yeah, my car is aging (as are we all) and a part wore out and I'll try not to get too anxious about all the other parts that can and likely will wear out as the car continues to age, because once I start down that road (ha, irony) it gets really bad in my head really quick.  I'm glad my car let me know it wasn't feeling well and I'm glad I noticed and I'm glad I have someone in my corner who knows cars and I'm sure it's going to be great once all of my suspension-y parts are replaced.  Jason says "I have no idea how great it will feel" and I'm sure that's true.  So thanks all round for the gentle "signs of aging" issue that caused no problems other than some fluid leaked on to some concrete.

A Whoops

So I made a mistake recently that I don't think I've made before, and I'm hoping I've done what's needed to remedy it, but it's still not ideal.

Here's what happened:

I have taken thyroid medicine all my life.  I've been on the same dosage of synthroid for a bazillion years.  

A year or so ago I was getting pretty upset about a few things going on health wise, one of them being weight gain for "no reason" (as in I wasn't suddenly eating more or exercising less, there was no reason I could think of that it was happening.)  I talked to my doctor about it a few times, wondering if it was hormonal changes (lady hormones) or maybe my thyroid meds needed changed (also a hormone... they all hang out together so it's hard to piece apart who's doing what) and she thought that was a possibility so we changed my dose (made it higher.)

Things didn't change physically but my blood work did and it got precipitously weird (very very low low low) and so we went back to my regular dose.  (Blood work didn't change which has been a whole other mystery but that's not the point of this post.)

So, remember that I've been on thyroid meds all of my life, literally from childhood.  So I'm pretty darn used to managing my prescriptions and keeping up to date with them.

A few weeks back I got a couple of things refilled and blah blah blah.

Well, this Sunday I was refilling my weekly "pill box" (have had one of those as long as I can remember too!) and I was popping in the thyroid meds and I noticed that they weren't all the same colour.  WHAT?  

I looked at my bottle.  It was the higher dose.  Oh no!  Did my doctor mess up my last refill?  That didn't seem like her.  Had my pharmacy made a mistake filling?  Also didn't seem like them, but what was going on here?

I looked IN the bottle, there were mainly one and a couple of the other and the prescription date was June, yes, but June 2024.  Last year.  And that's when I put two and two together.

When I had stopped the new/higher dose, I had held on to the pretty full bottle.  

And when I was running out of the regular/lower dose, I just saw a bottle with "synthroid" on it and chucked the last few in there, and disposed of the bottle, telling my brain I had just picked up a new bottle.  It wasn't until I went to refill my pill box this weekend that I discovered that I hadn't joined two of the same strengths, I had pulled out the higher strength bottle and added the lower strength to it.  D'oh!

I refill the box on a Sunday and of course doctors are closed on weekends, so I waited until the pharmacy was open and asked if maybe there was a regular dose on file that they could make up for me but nope, it had run out and I'd not thought I needed to renew it as I saw that "new" bottle right there (not looking closely enough at the dosage.  Sigh.)  They said they could do me an emergency amount if needed but I kind of panicked about it because get this... they're doing construction near where my pharmacy is and the last two times I've gone to pick up it has been a NIGHTMARE trying to get in and out of there and with the heat and lack of sleep this weekend the idea of dealing with that became TOO MUCH and I panicked and was like "no, no it's ok, I'll manage" because honestly I will.  I have a few days worth of the proper dosage and a bottle full of the too high dosage and it's not going to kill me.

Sent an email to my doctor asking for an appointment.  Got the auto-out of office reply and noticed a sentence in there about "if you're out of a prescription have the pharmacy fax us" darn it, I didn't know that!  I kind of stressed again about it but a few hours later I called the pharmacy back and asked if they'd do that and the pharmacist was like yeah sure no problem, so then I emailed the doctor back again and was like sorry, me again, they're going to fax you?  When I was talking to the pharmacist my plan had been to ask them to send it to a pharmacy closer to me (due to the construction) but I chickened out on that at the time and so if they do get a refill from my doc and they do make it up for me I figure the temps will be cooler and maybe I'll have slept and then maybe I'll feel more comfortable dealing with the road work construction mess (that they'll have made a few more days of progress on but unlikely that will be noticeable) and so I made it a "future me" problem.  Or maybe I can even ask them to deliver it or transfer it at a later time I don't know it just is weird how hard it is for me to ask people I'm paying for a service to do me something that feels like a favour.  Without even knowing if it's something they'd mind doing at all.

But... baby steps.  Get the right dosage prescribed and filled and then figure out getting it in to my hands.

But yeah, first time I've ever done that (missed out on refilling a prescription with my doctor and running out at home) in decades of dealing with this.  I guess the lesson for me is not to keep the other bottle around?  (Not sure why I did to be fair.)

Er...

My counsellor has just let me know that he will be away for what is the hardest time of my work year.  (He's away for a good chunk of months and I'm happy for him to have this break.)  I'm kind of like AHAHAhAHAHAhAHAHAHAH cuz I mean, really?  Ironic much?

But also maybe I can get through it this time without having to pay someone a chunk of money to listen to me complain about it all?  (Dunno....?)

Now, to be clear, I have other practitioners I work with so it's not like I'm not covered mental health wise, and I know I can likely vent to C-Dawg and Jason and whoever else (not here though, gosh darn it!) but still... I'm finding some amusement in this situation I guess?  While being a little bit trepidatious about it quite frankly.

(Ok, now that I'm typing it out I'm getting kind of scared/anxious about it but hey, can't control it, it'll be what it'll be. Sigh.) 

 

I'm Allowing Myself To Change

Back when my parents so very kindly and generously bought me an Apple watch for my birthday, Apple came out with an awesome rainbow watch strap that I really really wanted.  

I LOVE rainbows and colour and I really liked it.  But I was worried, not kidding, that people would see it and assume I was gay and because of that, I (chickened out and) did not buy it.

This bummed me out as I didn't know it was a limited edition thing and when I looked for it again later it was all boring simple straps.  Bummer.   Maybe I didn't know it was a Pride specific strap and assumed they were just randomly in circulation, I don't know.

This year with things shifting more and more towards unkindness towards the LGBTQ+ communities and people and seeing a wonderful ad out of Europe pointing out how important it can be for people to feel safe, especially these days, I went and looked at the Pride watch straps again (for this year it was the particular type I like) and I frigging bought it.

I actually find it hard to fathom that not that many years ago I was afraid people would assume I was gay.  Maybe they will, maybe they won't but I'm a little shocked I let that thought hold me back.  I feel a little awful about it to be honest, but I'm giving myself the grace that that's where I was then and this is where I am now and I love my new watch strap even if it's not the rainbow one I really wanted, it's still all the colours and it's bright and cheerful and it makes me happy to wear and I can only hope that someone who maybe needs to feel seen and safe might just see it and feel that way. 

Or maybe it's not that important, but I'm glad I've shifted and I'm proud to show my support for the idea that love is love and people are welcome to be who they are.  

(If I manage to find that video again I'll share it, it was quite moving. ) 

Improvement

So I think I can probably say (hopefully without jinxing things!?!?!) that Jason's wood window kit (replacing the plastic one that came with the portable A/C unit) has made a difference in the efficacy (that word feels really fancy right now, ha!) of the air conditioner.

His other advice (his, and he talked to a heat pump type technician person) was to start the A/C earlier, like as soon as I wake up as apparently it's easier to maintain a temp than to cool a warmer temp.

So Sunday was hotter than Saturday and for most of Saturday I was cool (YAY) but the night wasn't and I didn't sleep.  There's no A/C in there and with windows shut and covered it still gets hot and stuffy and that's hard to cool down and I'm apparently really sensitive to heat (and noise) while trying to sleep so Sunday morning wasn't great but I had been cool all day and was grateful for that.  Sunday I got the unit running as soon as I woke up and it went all day and kept temperatures inside reasonable.  Like 23 at the highest, which felt cooler than a 28 degree day last year, I think anyway....

But again my bedroom heated up and it was hard to cool down by bedtime, so maybe one of these upcoming summer nights I'll try to sleep in the main room maybe?  I don't know.  The noise is still noisy (and I do stress about the neighbours, even though I was ok with my former upstairs neighbours running theirs, it didn't bother me terribly although I did notice it... I have rolled mine on to some dampening material but I'm sure it's still noticeable to those who are sensitive like I am.) 

I know it's not summer yet so I'm not quite banking on this working all season long but I'm maybe ever so slightly hopeful and grateful that the weekend wasn't as gnarly as the warm days before it were (before I got this going.)  

Fingers crossed, eh?