Oof. Well, hello.

I have a "wearable device" (whispers.... it's an Apple watch, my parents gave it to me for my birthday like 6 years ago) that tracks whatever it tracks, however accurately it tracks these things and this morning it notified me that my resting heart rate has increased over the last month.

And if that isn't a clear indication of the stress I've been under this last month and a bit I don't know what is, eh?

But it's funny... at least to me... I wouldn't have guessed that was happening.  Like it's not as if I've noticed my heart "beating in my chest" or anything.  And I'm still lounging on my couch watching shows or playing on my phone or whatever but it's funny and a little bit frightening at how much stress, a thing that seems purely mental/emotional, affects your body.

Like I was reading a thing the other day about how stress is a huge lifespan reducer and I swear every doctor and specialist I see for an issue or a concern says "reduce your stress" and like dudes if I could?  I really really would!

But ok, the counter argument I make to myself there is, well, how much are you, say... meditating... or whatever other things you can actively do to try to "chill" your system?  But then again how hard is it to find those moments to do those kinds of things and then the outside stuff is still doing outside things but yeah that was kind of a funny (not funny) alert to get this morning.  Like hey, your resting heart rate has been higher for the last month which could be from illness (not particularly) or pregnancy (that's a no) or things like stress (oh... that.. right... um... yes... oops?)

Stressed I've been.  Or so my clever little wristwatch tells me.   I'll see what I can do about, I dunno, managing it differently?  Or something?

Of Note

Oh and? For those of us (ok just me!) tracking the seasonal weather transitions a thing of note happened two nights ago.

I was "cool" enough at night to close my bedroom door.  I didn't feel like I needed that air flow.  

As always at this time of summer/year I know that may change but yeah that's a thing.  It happened.  It's been a while.  Even during this cooler summer, I needed that air flow, you know?

Shifting

Two mornings ago was the first time I got up and had to turn on a light in the kitchen.  

Yes it was cloudy for the first morning in a while but it also had that hint of darkness to it that points out that sunrise times are shifting.

Just a small thing but it also made me have that moment of remembering that we won't be changing our clocks this year and so I won't have to suffer through that for the first time.... ever! 

So, Um, Yeah.

August was brutal.  Or, if I make myself be "less dramatic"... it was a lot.

My Mom tripped and fell at the end of July and the repercussions from that have been intense and difficult and draining all month.  With no real end in sight.  It highlighted some ongoing (not new) issues that needed to be addressed and no one seemed really comfortable doing that so last week I broached some really difficult topics and had an incredibly long and emotional and hard conversation with my parents.

I've always said that my parents are young and healthy and mobile for their age.  I still believe that.  But in saying that there is a bit of burying my head in the sand around their age and the decline that is inevitable with that.  They are older.  They will continue to age.  As, let's be real, we all will.  But bodies and minds decline.  They age.  And sometimes that becomes more and more concerning.

I'm not a doctor, none of us are, so I/we can only guess at the worst case possibilities (we're talking about memory/brain/mood stuff here) and hope for something less.... awful.

But I'm a mess.  Not always.  I still, like the rest of us, need to function.  But if I think about the conversation I had to have and the things that were talked about and things that were said in times of distress and I add that to some of the longer term realizations I've had about some deep wounds... well, I'm "triggered" as the youth might say.  Or... whoever might say.  I'm pretty raw and vulnerable.

I don't know what's coming with my folks.  None of us do.  And yes we touched on that.  I guess I'm proud of the honesty I brought to the conversation even while wishing I didn't have to have that conversation and that we could freeze people at a certain age and just have them in that decent/good state for ever.  But I also do know what's coming with my folks.  I just don't know how it will look or progress or change or worsen or what.  And that's hard enough without deep anxiety and fear and layers of my personal sh*t.  

So yeah August was, wow, a lot.  And I know I've said that about months before.  This feels different.  Because this is family.  This is core.  I don't know.  Talking about it and talking about the stuff I went through has been putting me straight into a pretty intense panic crying spiral so I'm trying to be gentle with myself and I'm probably also kind of ok with distraction.  Until I have my next counselling appointment and stuff.  

This might be rough.  This might be bad.  I'm kind of my only support here.  Something else to bring up (my difficulty leaning on others or feeling like I can't "put my stuff on someone already struggling")

Anyway, yeah... rough, hard, heavy month.  Not resolved.  Not a fixable thing probably.  Hard times.  Pushing through.

Oh Dear....

I have been trying to introduce more fish into my diet but 1. I don't like fish (especially fishy fish) and 2. I can not stand bones in things and fish often have that.  Plus, I don't like fish (not the taste, and not the texture most of the time)  I mean don't get me wrong, fish and chips is great but that's more about the batter (and friedness) and lox/smoked salmon is fine too and I'll sometimes order mussels in a restaurant but I generally don't enjoy fish and the times years ago I tried to eat it more (I think I tried salmon mostly) the bones just wig me out (I even bought a bone tweezer thing) I'm just out and done.  

I could go on, but the point here is that yesterday I was at a local store and they had pre seasoned little fish steak thingies and I bought one all proud of myself for trying and with the intention to just throw it in the air fryer and be all healthy and "good job me" and, well, every time I open the fridge and see it in there I think (or say) "ew" and... that's not good.

I have to eat it in the next day or two before "best by" date and my neighbour make the point/joke that it's Friday today so... "fish on Friday" and like I really don't want the food to go to waste but right now I don't even feel like I can stomach the idea of trying it.

Hoping that changes!  But.... yeah....

I Think

I don't like to tempt fate, so I'll start by saying that we *often* have a warm patch in September.  Not at all unusual, so I am half expecting it.

That being said.... I feel like summer is winding down.  Maybe even, (I shouldn't say this) over?

There was a hint of a bite in the air the other morning.  My neighbour mentioned the same a few days later.

The days have held warmth but the evenings seem to cool down no matter what.

It's been muggy and close sure, but the forecast is looking ... not a lot higher than 20?

Not that that means anything (I'm looking at you the day that was forecasted as 24 but then turned into like 29 at one point.)

I'm not putting away fans or putting on blankets or anything.  I had my air conditioner on for a few hours a couple of evenings ago.  It's still August.  September is often warm, or at least not cool.  

But the next is here.  A shift.  A change.  And August has always sort of had a sense of ending to it.  For me at least.  

Neigh...Nah!

Oof, I'm tired today.

It's not the complaint it usually would be becauase I went to a movie with friends last night and ran into another friend on the walk there and so my "didn't sleep well" is more because my system just wouldn't shut down which is a better reason to sleep poorly than stress or whatever, so yeah.

When I was out with these friends we were talking about health stuff and I mentioned the naturopath I'm seeing and was (gleefully) reminded that I say it "wrong".

I'm starting to think/wonder if this is a pronunciation/accent thing so I'm here to see if any of you pronounce it "wrong" too!  Especially any of you you might live "across the waters" from here!

So, do you pronounce naturopath as like a horse... NEIGH...turopath or like "nah, don't worry about it" NAH...turopath?  Or.. neither?  

Anyway, happy Tuesday..s.omehow!

Oh, Right. That.

I don't think I told you I got an air fryer, but I got an air fryer.

People have been talking (and raving) about them for ages, I know.  Not everyone I know has them but the people who do swear by them.  I never really got the appeal.

I feel like maybe the early days of it it sort of sounded like... you know, a fryer, but just with less oil?  Or that's how I understood it anyway and fried things don't super agree with me (even though I like some of them!) so why would I want like fried stuff you know?

It was when I was chatting at a "coffee meet up" with some of the (yes, older) former aquafit class ladies that one of them (who lives alone) mentioned how easy it is for her to make a meal with her air fryer.  And I mean that's another thing.  Most of the people I know who have one have been making a meal for their family.  I'm just trying to feed me.  So this person told me how she just gets the meat and potatoes and veg and puts them in at different times and walks away and some part of my brain went like "you know you need to eat better, maybe this isn't as hard as using three pots and pans on the stove?"  

I felt inspired.

I looked into which air fryers weren't plastic (I didn't like the idea of heating my food in a plastic container with all that we're learning about plastics and our health) and I found one that is smaller in size (matters to me as I don't have a lot of free counter space and I really don't have any storage space in my kitchen even though I try to rearrange from time to time) and glass for the cooking "basket."

And I looked up some simple recipes and, well there's no "oil" involved other than what you might use to season your meat/whatever and so it's not, at least this one isn't, really "frying" at all.  It's kind of like a convection oven in a small space?  Not at all what I had pictured from the early days and the name.  

Mine isn't the tray kind, so I can't do the "slide it out and shake things part way through" that a lot of recipes call for, and mine isn't HUGE so I've yet to make like full meals with different foods in it, I mainly use it for the protein portion or just one thing and I'm still using the stove top for the whatever... the potatos or veg or both or whatever.  But for me it's taken a mental load off of "oh man I have to cook tonight and I can NOT be bothered" 

I'm still figuring it all out and what I enjoy and don't really enjoy eating (not loving chicken breasts even though I'm cooking them nicely) and I'm not saying I'm raving about it, but I'm saying it has been a help to me and taken away a mental barrier to cooking but I'm also kind of done with having, for example, chicken thighs, potatos and bok choi.... but baby steps right?  Right.   

It's Fine?

So I've been off of my chemical hormones (birth control pill) for two weeks now and on the natural hormones (HRT) for about the same amount of time (give or take a day to let the "half life" thing happen).

Am I noticing symptoms?  Yeah I'm pretty sure I am.  But the good/weird news is that I can't actually be certain it's from the hormones, but I'm assuming it is?

Like, I've had some headaches.  Could totally be the internal changes stuff.  But could also possibly be the light cover of wild fire smoke we've had.  I've been kind of maybe extra moody.  Could for sure be the hormones, but could also be that I've had a lot of intense things going on the last few months and then especially the last few weeks.

So you know what I mean?  I *think* my system is going "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" but nothing quite is rough enough for me to say oh yeah for sure that's because of the medical changes... like it's not like it's a calm, quiet, neutral time of year or life to compare against right?

My understanding is that there are two or three things going on in my body right now.  One is the "withdrawal" from the birth control pill and those synthetic (I didn't really know that) hormones that I've been on for ages and ages.  The second is my system getting used to the new to me natural hormones, yes at the same time, and then the kind of third is those new ones building up in my system and my brain and body getting used to that new normal.

And from what more I understand, there is still going to be changes in my body because of course it's not going to be as simple as "this is now stable and steady yay!"

I mean I'd like to feel better than I am right now (wouldn't we all?) but knock on wood so far it's not been awful?  (Other than a headache that nearly freaked me out when the Advil didn't kick in "right away" and some rotten stinky moods I haven't enjoyed.)

But yeah, ch-ch-ch-changes I guess... sigh. 

A Sadness

This weekend my best friend from high school let me know that her Mom died.  (Her father had died several years ago.)

This friend's parents referred to me as their third daughter.  

I'm so very sad.  Knowing this is the way of things doesn't make the hurt any less.  My heart goes out to my friend and her sister and their families.  

Tweet Tweet, Twitter Twitter*

So I have that "named after a famous wizard" bird app that you can open when you hear a bird and it will try to identify that bird for you.  I had it before, didn't like it, got rid of it, but my neigbhour and I talk about the birds near our place so she insisted I get it again so I did.   

It's generally pretty good at identifying bird calls but recently it has been unable.  I'mma explain! (Well, at least explain what I *think* is happening)

For the last week or maybe two?  I've heard what sounds like a very upset bird but just for short periods of time.  Sometimes so short that by the time I grab my phone, find and open the app, the noise stops.  But finally I got the app open in time to identify the bird and although the app knew it was hearing a bird it made no guesses.  What I figure is going on is that a bird had a baby or maybe a few babies and when the parent bird comes back to feed the baby bird is like MOM MOM ME I'M HUNGRY OMG PICK ME and because it's not a, like grown bird the app doesn't have a "reading" for it.

So now I'm officially a bird aunt of some baby birds that I may never see but them's just the rules I figure!

 

 

 

*Anyone else remember that old Lifesavers ad?  "Tweet tweet, twiddle twiddle, there's only one candy with a hole in the middle!" 

No. Not Right Now

I have a list of blog post ideas that I keep on my sticky note.  I've mentioned this before.

Well I just picked up that list to see if it felt like any of those topics could/should be talked about and after what I just wrote about yesterday they all seemed to be health related and even probably specifically health related to what I was just talking about and, well, I didn't feel like getting into that any more than I just did.  

So I put the sticky note back down for maybe another time and maybe never (while I wait to see if my body adjusts/changes much or at all to the help I'm giving it or trying to give it.)

So I'll mention something else from last weekend/last week.

Ever since I've been old enough to know, I've known about the Snowbirds.

No, not the people who leave cool climates in winter to be in warmer places (or more recently, I met a couple who were like reverse snowbirds.... leaving Arizona for the summer to be in a cooler place... here).

But a team of RCAF (Royal Canadian Air Force) acrobatic skilled planes.

I've seen them many times over the years.  Growing up on the mainland I remember going to the Abbotsford air show, probably at this time of year.  I feel like we went a lot but I actually have no idea.  Maybe it was once, maybe twice, maybe ten times, who knows.  But the snowbirds were sometimes at that show and sometimes they'd do shows in/over a city I was in and those planes are being retired.  Which I'm honestly sadder about than you might imagine.  (They've just always been there, and they've always been cool!)

So last week (or was it two?  Time is messy right now... stress will do that) the Snowbirds did a final goodbye show over Victoria.  

Usually when they do a flyby I can see them from my place as they generally do passes and I'm pretty close (especially by air) to downtown.

This show was right over the water though (as I understand it) and so I didn't actually get to see them and that was a little sad but I followed the show on flight radar and wished them well.  But a handful of days after they did a flyby for a charity foundation's 40th anniversary celebration (David Foster's) and they flew "over" my place a few times (as did three VERY LOUD AND VERY LOW jets... like wow so loud) and I got to see them for the last time and I'm glad for that.  

And as I've often thought when they, and especially those jets, flew by... I'm very grateful to be living in a country that is at peace and that I do not have to worry about jets dropping bombs on me or that the noise of those planes might mean invasion or war.  I hope that never changes.  I wish no one was living with that.

It also reminds me of when Connor and I were last travelling down to Burning Man and we were in the parking lot of a grocery store (probably in Oregon?) and two US jets flew over and Connor and I stopped in our tracks and looked up in awe and no one else even noticed.  

And you guys I'm not kidding but as I was typing this two jets just flew over my place.  (I'm writing this the day after their demonstration show!)  Wow!  Much less noisy when they're not flying low for show.  

So yeah.  Thank you for the years of oooohs and ahhhhs Snowbirds.  Safe travels back to wherever you're going to be on display (I assume) post retirement!  

Of An Age

I am absolutely a "woman of a certain age".  And I have been trying to have medical people listen to me about what I have noticed going on with my body and what I think that meant for quite a long time now.  And some of them agreed but didn't have much agency to help.  My main doctor, that I feel very lucky to have, has been great at testing the symptoms I bring her to make sure it's not something, I don't know, major?

Last year I went to a naturopath that C-Dawg had seen for her own woman of a certain age stuff and we weren't a good match and I kept putting finding someone else off in part because it's expensive, even though I have some coverage through work it's still expensive, and my experiences with naturopaths over the years has been a bit not always realistic but this time I tried to look for someone who looks specifically at woman's health and perimenopause and menopause as a specialization and, well to make this story a bit shorter.... last week I took my last hormonal birth control (that I have been on for decades for both birth control and medical reasons and which, let's be honest has given me some hormonal support but also probably not supported me as well as I maybe could have been but I didn't know what I didn't know....and I was trying to figure it out) and transitioned to taking hormones specifically for this time of my life.

Yes.  While also dealing with my Mom's trip/fall and trying to help them through the worst of that and manage that situation.  (Which meant that when the Naturopath was talking to me about my blood pressure and sleep and anxiety I had to honestly say like look, things are really really stressful and not good right now!  This is a legit anxiety time!)

I had a small cry the first night I took the thing because it's maybe actually true that I am no longer a woman of child bearing age.  It is a signal, to me, that I am actually older.  I had a moment of sadness at this change.  When I went to pick up the medications at the pharmacy (with the giant NEW MEDICATION warning in the bag) my pharmacist (who I've known for years) said "well, welcome to the new phase of your life" and, well, yeah.  I wish I had someone to give me some hugs right now.  (I'll take digital hugs for sure but you know what I mean... a partner, someone I could lean on... be comforted by....)

I'm calling it HRT (hormone replacement therapy) but the Naturopath calls it MHT - Menopause Hormone Therapy which like... ouch.  (That makes me feel old... I know I am older but I don't... like no, that's like... not me???)

Do we/I know yet if I'm in perimenopause (the pre) or menopause?  Nope.  Does it matter?  Kinda?  Medically I guess?  To be indelicate, will I have another period?  I'm not sure yet and there's no way of knowing until my body does what it's going to do (which might be this week?) because when you're on the pill you get kind of a fake period and from what I understand the periods I've been having the last while maybe were "forced" by the pill hormones so we have no idea if that's going to happen or what and I've been reading ladies online talking about this stuff so I have more awareness than say my own Mom had when she went through "the change" (or whatever they called it for her generation) so I know there are no real knowns I can expect.  And I know there are risks.  Just as there were risks to being on the pill (but different risks) And I'm nervous about informing my doctor (I may ask the naturopath to do that I dunno.)  And in the few days since I made this medical choice I've been hyper paying attention to my body, mind and mood.  Did I sleep better?  Am I in a better mood?  Is my stomach hurting because I ate gummy dinosaurs or because I took a progesterone pill?

I go back to see the Naturopath at the start of September (and can email any questions I have before that) to see how I'm doing and go over the risks further and stuff but yeah.  

I'm a fifty one year old woman, currently single, going through hormonal changes and starting hormonal support therapy medication.  (And I'm both thinking I feel like more solid but also that it hasn't been long enough to really know so I'm not like for sure for sure.)

So yeah.  That's a thing that happened.  (And now I have to tell each practitioner I see for the next year or so that this is/has happened.... ok then....)

Fine Not Fine

My parents don't really believe in social media and so would not like their business being shared with strangers so I'll just say that the last week was really awful.  My Mom is fine but not fine.  Like could have been worse but still sucks.  A small fracture that will take however long it takes to heal so some restricted mobility.  Pain makes people not themselves.  The pain is (I've been told) better.  The pain wasn't from the fracture.  But falls hurt.  

The conversation has started about where they may choose to live in the next span of time and I am not ok with that...... so mentioning it is enough for me thank you very much.  

This stuff (their aging, their inevitable death, my own probable future aging) really spins me out so I'm not getting in to it and I'm trying not to go there right now. 

So she's not great but ok and things aren't ideal but they're ok.  It was worse, I have to believe it will continue to improve.  (And it all could have been so much worse but was pretty not great as is.)

And yes, I'm the daughter.  And yes I live closest.  Do with that information as you please.  (Grateful for my brothers and they've been super supportive and have tried and have been there for me and them but damn....) 

Jump Scare

So you know that toaster I mentioned?  And how it has a beep when it's done?

Um, yeah.  

So this toaster is still really new to me and I have never had a noise making toaster before, I mean other than the obvious CHUNK of the thingy popping up when the toast is ready, but no big deal.

Except the other day... heh...

I'm not making a whole lot of toast right now (maybe the heat?  I dunno) and am still not used to a new-fangled-noise-making toaster and it's not something that I'm expecting.

I was making breakfast the other day and threw some bread in the toaster and started washing some dishes and my mind was on all that's been going on and whatever else and so as I put down a small bowl I had just washed out, right as I placed it down there was a CHUNK BEEEEEEEP and I jumped!

It was partially the unexpected noise, it was partially that I had completely forgotten that I had put toast on, it was partially that this noise and beep happened right as I placed a dish down on a drying rack (NO NOISE SHOULD BE HAPPENING) and it was partially that I have never before owned a toaster that did anything but .... toast.  Oh and I was standing pretty right next to it too, that probably didn't help.  

But yeah, I got jump scared by my toaster and some weird timing and a distracted brain that forgot. 

Toasty

Oh and I did get a new toaster and it has LEDs! (Which I wasn't expecting and didn't know it had until I plugged it in.)  

It also beeps when it's done but I thought I turned that off but then it is back on (maybe because I keep unplugging it to plug in fans) and yeah.   

Another Doozie Of A Time

My Mom tripped and fell and landed in the ER last week and so that, naturally, has been super stressful and taken up all of my mental energy and then some.  Which... you can probably guess, means I didn't sit down at all this weekend to write posts.

She's "ok" (as in it could have been worse) but not good and seeing a surgeon this week and it's hard on all of us (even though I'm closer in proximity than my brothers) and it's kicked off my anxiety pretty badly which means my baseline right now is not good.  

It was also a long weekend, so happy August long weekend (gone by) plus it's warm this week (ew) and yeah, talk soon ok?  

Really?

Some background information for you....

My toaster (that I've had since I moved out on my own) lives on a counter under a cupboard that houses, amongst other things, my goodies/snacks/treats.

Sometimes I'll open a box of Smarties and just have a few and so leave the box sitting upright near the edge of the cupboard opening in case I want a few more.

The other day I felt like a few potato chips and so I pulled the bag out of the cupboard, accidentally knocking the partially opened (the top can be 'pushed' back in to kind of reseal) Smarties box so that they fell out and SOMEHOW one of the smarties fell directly into my toaster.

Well, that happened!  So now I needed to get the Smartie *out* of the toaster so I slid out the crumb tray assuming it would be there but nope, no Smartie.  Hmmm...

I shook the toaster.  Could hear it in there.  Somehow it fell in just the right way to get into the SIDES?  of the toaster?  What?

Well I could probably shake it out right?  Right.  So the shaking began.  Yes, quite like trying to get a pick out of a guitar.... I just couldn't get the angles right.  Especially not knowing what the internals were like or where the Smartie was.  I did, however, get out three hardened pieces of crust that I also have no idea how they got in there!  But after a lot of creative attempts the Smartie remained.

I thought about maybe removing the base but it was sealed in a way that made that impossible, at least for me.  I think I maybe could have just left the Smartie and kept an eye on it in case the Smartie melted or caught on fire or something but the toaster is an old gal and was pretty low end when I bought it and has been sometimes a little weirdly uneven in its cooking, so I did some quick research into good toasters and found one with good reviews and got it and now I have a new toaster that currently has no chocolate type candies stuck inside and that's a good thing!

I really don't think I could have purposely done what happened by accident.  Life is funny that way sometimes, eh? 

D'Awwwwwww.... But No

On a portion of tiled wall above one of my kitchen counters I have a calendar page (I swap it out every month) where I track things (to try to make sure I don't skip them.)

I was looking at the calendar last night to check on something and I noticed a teeny tiny little spider.  (Like either a baby of the long legged ones or just a mini version, I do not know enough to know!)  It was SO cute and I did say out loud "oh you are adorable but ABSOLUTELY NOT, sorry" because no, we don't set up in kitchens (or bedrooms or anywhere near me/my line of sight) and also I have no idea how or why you chose to set yourself up on a piece of printer paper with a monthly calendar on it?  I'm not sure what part of your instinct thought this was a good location?  

I carefully took the little tiny fellow out into the hallway (the glasses that get used for this go directly into the dishwasher for future washing) and I hope it has a nice happy bug-eating life somewhere else.  (And yes my door got fully locked this time, phew!) 

Unsettling

Over the last while (week or two?) some of the lights in my place have been flickering.

First it was a salt lamp I've had for ages so it makes sense the bulb would be going so I replaced it.  But then I also noticed the bedside light in my bedroom flickering.  Meh, I'd get around to that another time.  And then the bathroom, did that just flicker?  And yep, kitchen light, ugh that's annoying, I can't tell which bulb needs replaced, oh well not urgent.

But weird that all of my bulbs were going at the same time, what's the chances of that?

I messaged a neighbour who said that as long as she's lived here her place has flickered so that's both concerning (to me on her behalf) and not helpful to know if it's a building issue.  I messaged Jason and he said that yes his were too which is unusual.  Hmmm.... 

The next morning BC Hydro (our energy company/utility/source/whatever) put out a notice saying that people across the province were likely noticing flickering lights and power issues and that the main transmission line was being impacted by wildfires in that area.

I told my neighbour and she said she had no idea that our power didn't just come from the island itself (I looked it up, the Island produces about 4% of the province's power.)  I said that it's something I don't think I'd ever really thought of and that I just fully take for granted but this disruption and cause kind of made me feel like there are a lot of things that I take for granted that maybe aren't as stable as I'd like to think.

All in all I'm glad to still have power and fresh air (for now) and I'm glad I only replaced one of the light bulbs I thought was dying!