Sigh....

The heat is here. (I'm typing this out a few days before it's forecast to happen.)

And, again, I'm aware that for many people this is a "FINALLY!" happy thing.  And as we know, for me, it's less so.

It's not really all that hot (to be) but it's warm enough that I'm concerned.   And angry.  

I'm mad that I made a note to myself to "prepare for summer" but didn't really follow through on that with anything different than what I've had the last couple of years.  (And what I've had the last couple of years hasn't been perfect.)

I'm mad that I will now spend the next few months monitoring heat.  Putting blinds down.  Turning fans and A/C units on.  That this won't be good enough for me.  That I will be resentful of the fact I can't have my windows open and sunlight blaring in while I toast away in the stiflingly warm weather (like my neighbour does.... she LOVES the heat... like loves loves it.)

I'm telling myself that this year I'm not going to worry about my plants not having enough light. (This makes me sad and worried for them.)  I'm telling myself that I won't worry about trying to save electricity (and the cost) by not turning things on "too early."

I'm vaguely considering buying a pair of A**le air pods with noise cancellation to see if maybe just maybe that helps with my aural overload where I can't handle the hours of fan and A/C noise it takes to keep my space livable. (Most nights I hit a point where I just have to shut it all off because GAH) 

This weekend I got all but my box fans out.  I put my blankets and things up on my blinds.  I rearranged my main space to accommodate the air conditioner.  Unfortunately last year Jason said he would update and perfect the window unit and so I took that portion over to his place and he's been struggling so much that it did not get done and so before I can actually use my unit, I have to go over to his place to grab it and y'all I have just not been in the mental headspace to do that (we don't really see each other much of late) but I kind of *have* to this weekend (that has passed since I'm setting this to post on the Monday) as it's going to be in the mid 20s and that's when I start to struggle.

I am hopeful that because we are still in Spring that maybe there will still be some breeze.  Ocean breeze makes and breaks my temperatures.... I am hopeful that nights will cool off enough to make sleep manageable.  (Yes the blankets have been put away, we're down to just regular and weighted now.)

I'm vaguely attempting what I call a "start before you need to" cooling thing where like I haven't put my bedroom blinds up in a couple of weeks.  I've been turning on the fan in my bedroom in the morning.  I'm kind of seeing if an approach of "try to keep it cool before it gets a chance to warm up?" might work or if I'm delusional, I don't know.

But yeah, when I woke up Friday morning (I'm typing this Friday afternoon just FYI) I was angry.  Angry and resentful that the next chunk of time I don't look forward to any more when I used to.

It might not get *stupid for me* hot this week.  It might not for another week or month or who knows.  I just wish I handled heat better (and yes I'm also attempting to look into how I might medically adjust whatever might need adjusted) and handled summer differently but hey, the good news is that the gym at least has air conditioning, even if I have to walk through the sun and heat to get there, you know? 

Ok

Ok, so where have I been?

Well, here, but not like *here* here.  (Writing here.)

A few things changed about three weeks ago.  Not big things but enough to sort of shake up my routine.  Well I mean my routine was shaken up longer ago than that but bear with me....

So I'd been going to my aquafit classes regularly, three days a week, and when I was able, five days a week, for a couple of years.  I really enjoyed it.  I made some social connections, I built up some strength and mobility and some cardio.  It always, or almost always lifted my mood.  Sometimes I didn't feel like going and sometimes I didn't go, but more often than not I'd talk myself in to going to the class and I'd leave in such a better mood.  The music was great (I'd often quietly sing along, good for the lungs and the spirit and soul!) and I have always loved being in the water and it just was the most fun I have had in an exercise situation since I took dance as a kid/young adult.

As you may remember, that pool closed.  The closure was at the start of March if I remember correctly and many of my classmates found alternate pools to do class in.  I did not.  I certainly THOUGHT about it and researched and had opportunity to maybe try out a couple, but I didn't.  Some of that was due to timing and what was going on for me personally at that time (family health scares and such) and also due to me having some down time that I used to do not very much beyond my basic "walk around my apartment" exercise.

After a couple of weeks my body made it really clear that this lack of significant and purposeful movement wasn't ok.  My massage person said it was the worst he's seen my body in a long long time.  

The place where I was using the pool reopened downtown in a different location.  This was about three weeks ago.  I've been a handful of times to try "land based" classes (you know, regular, non water classes) and I am so so missing the water classes and it's hard to convince myself to go even though I know I need it and my body needs it and my future self will thank me for it but I am not enjoying the classes.  Physically I feel so weak and mentally I feel so lame and "bad" at it all.

But it's also a slight shift in my routine.  The timing is different and so my priority has been adjusting to these attempts to do classes rather than attempts to sit and write in this blog.

I also have had a couple of medicine trials and ongoing just general life stuff and so if I don't sit (like I am now) to purposefully type something out on the weekend I don't seem to get to it during the week, so here I am.  At least for this.  For now.

So I've been here, I've been existing.  And adjusting.  So.. same old same old, but different.  You know?

The Difference

I have just (at the time of writing this, not at the time of posting this!) woken up from a nap.  A bit of a risk as it's the afternoon and I never want to mess up my night's sleep but that's not why I'm here.

I'm here because yet again, even as I was closing my eye on my couch with my phone alarm set, I wondered why falling asleep for a nap is so different than falling asleep, or trying to, in bed at night.

This time, I tried to think about the physical differences... it's light out.   There is some mild noise in the living room and outside.  The mental differences are that I know it's time limited (even if I'll likely set the alarm to do another round, which I most often do) and I know it's like.. necessary?  

But man oh man I sure wish I could approach evening sleep the way I do naps.  Sure, I'll try that tonight but I'm not expecting success!

Sometimes I wonder how long a day nap would last if I let it.  But that's a risk I only take when I'm unwell and know my body needs extra rest.  I did used to just nap and let it happen but having a shot at a good night's sleep is worth more to me these days than a long day's nap, you know? 

Another Complaint

I understand that birds are part of the natural cycle and so have to reproduce but do they all have to be so damn noisily annoying about it?  UGH.

(Seagulls, this is mainly about you but I'm not jinxing anything by mentioning other bird who have made spring annoying in the past!)

A Complaint

For the last while my (highway) drive to work has included a fairly long (I think) construction zone.  Long, I mean in length, not in how long it is taking - I don't particularly judge that part....

Whatever the regular highway speed, right now as it's a construction zone the posted speed limit is 50 km/h.  This is the speed I go.  Sometimes less if it's unsafe (rain and darkness I'm looking at you!) as is NORMAL and SAFE!

Most days I'm in the right hand lane going at or just under the limit and no one has a problem with it.  But the other day, for reasons none of us will ever learn, EVERYONE was going fast.  Like coming up behind me, going around me to then go ahead of me kind of thing.  If they weren't zooming along in the left hand lane, it was wild and unusual and felt really weird.

It's been a while since there have been police on my side of that portion of highway (I often see them on the other side) but man it would have been a great day for them to be on my side for sure! 

I hope next week we're back to being mellower in the right hand lane again... that was gnarly. 

Hiya

I'm here, I'm fine.  (Hope you are too!)

Another busy weekend that drained me a bit (one of those "I need a weekend from my weekend" kind of things but all good....)

Temps are warming up.  You know my feelings about this!  Big blankets came off over the weekend and I have a suspicion they might stay off, but... fingers crossed, you know?

Talk soon.  (I hope!  Not in a dramatic way just in a "I need to take the time and have the brain to write stuff way!"  We've been here before.) 

New. Ow!

I haven't managed to make it back to a pool since mine closed.  My body is sure feeling that.  (Not in a good way.)  And all this to say that I went to a "land based" class last week and ouch.

I knew when we were doing some squat exercises that I was going to hurt the next day and sure enough... ouch.  It's kind of a good ouch when you know it's muscles being worked (maybe for the first time in a long time) but still an ouch.  Legwarmers were involved in the recovery (I discovered I had thigh sized ones yay!) and now I'm back to normal but there's also another story to be told here!!

I have been debating other pools to try out for aquafit and all of them are a drive away for me.  Well one of those pools had an issue last week and I would have been at the end of a class and part of it if I had gone!

Turns out I was at home and got an alert text saying to shelter in place as there was an ongoing chemical exposure issue.  Now I'm not terribly near that pool but close enough that the text system included me and because they didn't (yet) specify the area I had no idea what was going on!  But it turns out (long story short) that two chemicals got mixed and a chlorine gas was released.  Eight people got sent to hospital with respiratory issues and the pool, of course, was closed as it was cleared out (however they did that, "they" being fire hazardous people) and was closed until early this week for investigation.  But you guys, can you imagine?  If that had been my first (anxious) go at that pool and that had happened?  So glad I wasn't there!

But still... I do miss the water, and while I know doing stuff on land is important (even the water instructors have said as much, if you're able) I do like being in the water doing that class, so I'm hoping I can get that back in to my days but right now I'm baby stepping it and just trying to get more movement back into my world in whatever way I can.  Without being judgey of myself.   But also glad everyone was released from the hospital and is seemingly ok.  And yeah all things considered, some sore thighs is much easier to deal with than having inhaled chlorine gas, eh?

Like Right Now

Sometimes I sit down to write and my brain just goes blank.

I mean not blank entirely (I wish!) but blank on what might be an interesting post to write.  Or what I'd thought to write about.

So until thoughts come back I'll just tell you what I'm happy about!  The last few nights have been cool enough for me to use my winter blankets again and I am very grateful for that.  I am trying my best to enjoy it.  

I have turned my main radiator off and as I said to someone the other day "I refuse to be warm!"

There has been a bite to the breeze the last day or two and MAYBE I could have put that radiator on but honestly I'd rather feel a bit of a chill than a bit of a "I'm too warm" knowing that heat is in my future one way or another.

It was also only last week that I was too warm at night so I'm really trying to be in these moments of spring chill.  Loving it.

This also reminds me that I accidentally got a vaccine last week!  Wait what?  "Accidentally?"  I hear you say!  Lemme 'xplain!

You may remember (if I wrote about it?) that last year when I turned 50 I decided to get (and/or make sure I was up to date on) whatever vaccines I needed. You also may remember (if I wrote about it?!) that a lot of years ago I used to be quite prone to chest infections.  Many moons ago my old doctor finally said "look just get the flu shot every year, it'll help"  But it's one of many reasons I've been quite concerned about Covid and such.

I also woke up on my birthday last year with a chest infection.  UGH.  Doc figured bronchitis but whatever it was (yes I tested for Covid of course) it sucked and so we got me a pneumonia vaccine once I was well again.  At that time my doctor said "and this time next year we'll do a second one and then you'll be done." (Or something like that.)

So I went home and put it in my calendar.  (Oh that reminds me of another story, yikes!)

Well that reminder popped up this month.  "Doctor wants to do pneumonia shot 2" and so when I was in for my B12 shot, I reminded her, fully assuming she'd say like ok let's order that shot and get you back in next week.

BUT what actually happened was she looked up my file and said "oh, ok I have that here" and then went and got the shot and I was like (mentally) wait what?  Because it's not like I'm bad with shots but it does help to sort of be mentally prepared that I'm getting one and I was NOT mentally prepared!!!!

But I got the shot and other than a red, warm welt around the shot area (It's actually still a little discoloured today, nearly a week later....) the only side effect is that maybe I was a little warm?  She told me I might have a fever but I never did, but I do hope my body is grateful for the care I'm trying to give it!

She also checked on all my other shots, including tetanus (and yes I re-upped my measles too, phew!) and all the good things and she said other than the yearly flu/Covid/whatever (and maybe RSV when I'm older) I'm good to go.  Yay!

I'm Going To Complan Now!

I am pretty sure there is a science-y reason to explain this but I'm still going to wonder about it.

Because why is it that I can be trying to fall asleep at night and struggle with that but then if my alarm isn't set I can keep sleeping in the morning despite having woken up enough to know it's morning?  I mean a lot of non alarm mornings, if I don't need to pee, I will actually have to force myself out of bed so I don't just keep sleeping and sleeping!  (Which if you've been here long enough you know I can sleep laaaaaate and have been working over years to stop doing that!) 

So yeah, yesterday morning I was lying in bed trying to talk myself through "just a few more minutes" vs "ok time to get up now" and I was really bummed that it's not that easy to fall asleep.  Can't we just shuffle the sleep back a bunch of hours?  Like fall asleep easily at, say, nine or ten pm and then wake up at 6 or 7 (work times).  I mean sure, I know this is partly how it works, I think I'm just wishing that morning "stay sleeping" could be transferred to "bedtime, fall asleep now" you know? 

To My Hoodie Sleeve

Dear Hoodie Sleeves (Particularly the left hand one for reasons I can't fathom),

I would just like to make it clear to you (both) that the ONLY time I need you to be wet is when you are in the washing machine specifically because I put you there for your ENTIRE SELF to get cleaned.

I don't need you to pick up water when I'm washing my face and I REALLY don't need you to grab any water at all when I'm doing dishes in the evening.  Like, I'm just cleaning up the kitchen for the night. I'm not trying to clean you or wash  you ok?

So please, pretty please, just stay out of water unless it's in the big old washing machine ok?  

Please and thank you,

Victoria who is typing this with a really damp and annoying left hoodie sleeve. 

Well That Was Not Fun!

On my drive home after work yesterday, for reasons that are unclear to me, my right shin was right on the edge of a cramp.

Yes.  The leg that I use for... you know. DRIVING!!!!??????

I said a lot of words and took a lot of breaths and was prepared to find a place to pull over if the cramp fully cramped, but luckily for me after about 15 minutes (yes a long time when you're nearly cramping!!!) it dissipated and I made it home safely.

I can't say that's ever an area I've had that particular sensation in and I hope I can avoid that in the future!  

I think the only thing that might have made it worse would have been if I'd sneezed.  Because there's always a moment of terror for me when I sneeze when driving because you can NOT keep your eyes open and that's no good when you're supposed to be keeping yourself alive in a vehicle! 

Shoulder Season Stuff

It was a long weekend and while not as stressful as the last "time off" I had, it was still full of family stuff and heavy convos which is why I'm not sure I'll get to posting much this week!

Weather's been weathering.

Heaviest blanket is I think officially off my bed although not yet fully put away... just in case.

We had a warm night (ugh, already?) but the next night wasn't.

One day last week I was about to write a post about how you can't dress for the morning temps anymore or else you'll be boiling by lunch, but then I went for a walk and needed MORE layers than not!

It's kind of the "if you wear a warm jacket you might end up carrying it but if you have a light jacket you might freeze" time of spring.

I also spent most of my day yesterday watching NASA's live feed of humans flying around the moon.  Wild!  It was so lovely to hear the exchanges made between Houston and the folks in space.  And to hear the voices of bright, kind, lovely women.  That was so special.

I waved when they shot around the moon and showed the earth peeking out.  I was in that video/photo!  So were you.   This made me smile.  All of us (but four*) in one photo.  All together.  On our speck in space.

Science is so cool.  And so are a lot of humans.   

Life is wild.   

*Edited to add.  I forgot there are some folks on the ISS, but the point stands IMO.

OoOoooOOooOoooooOoh!

I had an eye exam the other day and they dilated my pupils and it's been a while since that's happened and I forgot how terribly bright lights become (and of course it was a SUPER SUNNY BRIGHT afternoon) so when I got home and went to have a shower and a bath, I couldn't manage the bathroom light so I brought my "camping" (or power outage, etc.) lantern in and put it on mid-brightness so I wasn't showering in the dark.

And you guys?  The weirdest coolest thing happened!  I'm not sure of the science but maybe the lantern is LED (It's rechargeable... like a battery brand name, not a fancy brand or anything.) but when I got into the shower the water was like broken down into almost droplets!  Not *quite* that dramatically but the water was not normal!  I mean sure it was normal but something about that light source (and maybe???? my eyes?) made it so that it looked like fake or choppy or pixelated or some other thing.  I WISH I could describe it but it made me think about my complaint about certain headlights "wobbling" in my rear view mirror/periphery but yeah that was neat.

I didn't expect it but when I turned on the big tap for the bath it did a similar thing!  I was kind of able to capture that on my phone camera but not exactly but yeah, that was unexpected and cool and I wish I knew the science to explain it but I'm certain someone out there does.  

Whoops

I don't use my oven as often as some, but I have used it enough that it is not super clean in there.

A while ago (a couple of years?) I got me some baking soda and did what I could but it still isn't nice to look at.

I did some reading and because I don't want to deal with a chemical cleaner (Gah!) I ended up buying a razor blade cutter?  Is that the term? No, scraper.  A razor blade scraper tool. And I went to town on the parts I could reach.

It's very satisfying you guys!  

Parts of my oven now look a WHOLE lot better and cleaner and prettier (some spots I could not reach or they were curved so it didn't work.)

I also ended up finding a few slices I'd accidentally made on my arm (short sleeves) and hands that I didn't notice until I had a shower that evening.  Oops.  

So if you do end up using a razor blade scraper, don't be anything less than very cautious and careful of where it is and how you're holding it, ok?  Ok! 

A Balm

Back in Novemeber, I started having an issue with dry lips.

I had tried a new (Canadian) lip gloss and so assumed my lips didn't like the change, and went back to my trusted usual.

It didn't help/fix it.

So I tried a WHOLE BUNCH of other lip balms.  Because it turns out when you mention to someone that your lips are dry they will tell you the lip balm they SWEAR by.

But nothing helped or made a difference.  At some point I slathered on some Vaseline and that was the ONLY thing that made any difference or gave me any relief at all so Vaseline it was.  This made me feel like I looked like an idiot because I was also smearing it *around* my lips for the relief.

I wondered if it was the chlorine in the air from the pool.  I put it on before water classes.  I even slathered some on my upper chest to use mid class when needed.  It was brutal, the feeling.

The pool was closed for a bit in December and I'd hoped that I would get a clear indication if it was from the pool but nothing changed.  Ugh.  (But also good I guess as it meant I didn't have to quit?)

One day in December, I woke up with some sort of a like bite mark on one cheek and a redness that didn't feel good on that whole side of my face.  I was worried I had been bitten and then worried I had shingles (even though I've been vaccinated, you can still get it) and I put some stuff on it that I have and it was fine the next morning but still a bit red and I was just happy it went away.  I still suspected the chlorine.  Like some kind of build up over a year and a half.... or something?

I had a dentist appointment.  I mentioned the dry lips.  They looked at this and that and asked some questions and said that I wasn't actually showing any signs of dryness at all.   Not in my mouth, gums or even the lips.  Talk to your doctor, they suggested.

So I did.

The doctor also didn't think things looked dry and so I started looking at my lips directly and sure enough they didn't seem to be actually getting dry.  Doctor recommended I try B vitamins.  I can't take B12 orally so I scoured the internet and imported some B vitamins that had no B12.  Nothing changed. 

Sigh.

Vaseline is now in my purse, in my car, in my space at work, next to my couch.  It's the only thing that gives me any relief at all, even if I'm slathering it on, feeling like an idiot, all throughout the day.

Last month I had a pre-set dermatologist appointment to check for suspicious moles.  I mentioned the lip issue and that the doctor and dentist both said it wasn't the lips/gums/mouth.

Dermatologist took a look and ruled out something and something else and then threw a diagnosis of "it must be rosacea because your cheeks are a little pink" and that was that.  And then went on to check my body for "bad" moles.  (And found none, always a good thing.)

So I guess I maybe have rosacea?  

I've noticed my cheeks flushing at night.  I think this is hormones in action.

And other than the sensation of "dry lips", I have no other complaints about my skin.  Other than all of my life I've gotten some sort of "itchy" feeling next to my "nose creases" (for lack of a better term.)

My pharmacist called me and said that my benefits plan won't cover the recommended prescription cream and so I saw my doctor and had a different thing prescribed but I just don't know.

I used this (topical antibiotic!!!!) for two weeks with no real improvement (that I noticed) and then switched to the pricy initial cream and while the itchy nose thing maybe is better (it's not constant so hard to judge) I'm still slathering on Vaseline throughout my day. Maybe a little less?  But I don't know.

I've done some learning and reading about rosacea and gotten scared by it.... I also learned, almost accidentally - by complaining about the "that felt too half assed" of a diagnoses that both my Dad and one of my brothers have also been diagnosed with rosacea (which makes it really a lot more likely that I have it... damn.) and it's one of those things were they "don't really know" the cause, but do know the triggers (and y'all I'm fine with no red wine or alcohol and I don't do much sun anyway and will just wear hats when I normally wouldn't bother and there are a few other things I should consider) but like if I *do* have this condition, it's really early or I'm not dealing with much of it at all but I still don't know.

I may ask my doctor for a referral to someone else for a second opinion or for a re-referral for a follow up I don't know.

I bought some specific skin care things to try but don't want to introduce too many changes to my skin in one go so I'm holding off on using them for a while.

So it's been a few weeks of trying things and not being sure if they're helping.  (In fact the main cream makes me red in the face but also I use it in the evenings when I've been getting red in the face anyway so who knows?)

I'd like to not have to spend the rest of my life slathering Vaseline on my face.... 

And I'd like the pimples (?????) to not be there for whatever reason they decided to show up but like why is everything feeling like a lot right now?

Is this part of aging?  Or just my luck?  And how do I confirm or deny this diagnosis that legit felt like it was haphazardly thrown at me without much care and no follow up, and not at all what I went in for, but just something I mentioned while I was there.

Whatever it is or isn't, I'm pretty over it and would like to go back to, like October, when it wasn't an issue at all.

One of those "you don't know what you've got til it's gone" type of things, eh?

Oh, and my doctor also referred me to an "oral pathologist" in case it's some kind of... weird mouth thing, but that's not covered by MSP or my benefits so I'm still thinking on is that a $700 plus dollar visit I want to take? 

You Know

After writing that yesterday I just got so angry and mad at myself.

Because it's unlikely I have ADHD what with no childhood symptoms (that I know of or that anyone would likely report were I to ask them) so that turned into me berating myself for all the things I struggle to do or don't do or avoid doing or put off on doing because in my brain that then means that "I just suck." 

Because in a black and white way (which anxiety loves to do for me) if these "failings" are due to something that can be fixed with a medication then yay everything will improve! But since they're unlikely to be due to that, it just means I'm not a good enough, strong enough, focussed enough, determined enough person and that sucks to think.

So either way, I guess I have lots to talk about when I see my counsellor next, eh? 

Attention Lack

I don't know how to talk about this so I'm just going to talk about it.

Last weekend, a female friend and I met for lunch at our favourite lunch place.  This friend has just started taking a medication for ADHD.  Something we have always half joked about, in part because she struggles to do nothing on days off, whereas I'm fine to just sit and zone out to shows all damn day (even if I don't love that I do that.)  

When the two of us are together it's a lot of pinging around conversationally.  We joke that we're both easily distracted OOH SQUIRREL! kind of thing.

But this time, *I* was the one pinging around.  She wasn't.  She was calm and focussed and still herself but.... more.... there?

It was almost a little lonely for me.  And as lunch went on, I started to really notice my focus.  Or lack thereof.  How often I interrupted myself.  How I constantly lost trains of thought.  And was distracted by the person next to us or this noise or that.  She wasn't.

We've always been very similar when we're together in terms of energy and being a little all over the place.  This time was a night and day difference and left me feeling a little bit concerned for my own lack of attention.

My friend spoke very highly of how calm and focussed she felt (not quite the words she used but close enough) and how much easier things were.  And many of the things she mentioned no longer being there for her I've always clocked in my brain and body as symptoms of anxiety.

So of course now I'm wondering.

I did some online tests and quizzes the next day.  Some of them came back with a "no, you're not ADHD"..... I don't have the hyperactive body stuff at all....*she says while considering the heavy depression that has grounded her body for a long time* and have no recollection of being told to sit still or talk less as a child and my grades were fine and just like no indication that this is something that has been an issue "all of my life" kind of thing. 

But other tests came back as indicating that yes I may have some ADHD.  Some pretty intense inattentiveness.  It makes me wonder how many things that I *can't* do aren't because I'm anxious or depressed but because my brain is like LALALALALALALALALALALAAAAA.  I don't know.

I'm clearly not an expert.  Nor do I want meds/drugs in my system unnecessarily and maybe I'm just thinking this because of the visible, noticeable change in my friend and the positive changes she's mentioned.

Might I talk to my counsellor about this next time?  Maybe?  Might I do seventeen more quizzes?  Maybe?  And fail half of them making me question everything.  Especially since my friend says when she does the quizzes they come back like "oh yeah, for SURE".

Maybe it's hormone changes.  Maybe it's anxiety.  Maybe it's a whole lot of other things.  

And maybe if I talk to my doctor she'll brush me right off, I don't know.

But this isn't something I've ever thought of for or about myself ever before, but going over the tests and some of the pointed questions I'm now kind of like. hmmmm.....

Or maybe I just ruined my own attention span with years of avoiding my thoughts by scrolling and watching and tuning out.  I don't know.

But this is probably why we have experts.  People who actually know things and can make more educated decisions than an online quiz.

I just don't know if I want to go there, and more than that, just because my friend is being helped by this, doesn't mean I'm the same.  I might just be how I am.... just because. 

End of March

Well here we are at the end of March.  

It's funny if you say it too many times.... end of March, end of March, end of March.....

I may be one of the few people around who have been oh so very happy with the chilly temperatures we had this month.  A delight for me to have a spring month of cool.  Even though it's not unusual (I remember snow on the ground one of my first few Easters living here) I still am relishing in feeling chilly, especially at night, you know?

The last two weeks were a lot for me, and coupling that with the closure of my pool, my body is *hurting*.  Mainly my upper shoulder/back area, if anyone besides me is keeping score!

I still did move every day, walking, walks, but that's not the same as three plus days of a 50 minute exercise class apparently.

I know others from my pool class went to different places for classes and I did look into things but they all seemed like a bit too much (considering what was going on personally) to take on, or maybe that's just the excuse I'm giving myself?  But legit, the timing of the water fitness classes didn't work for me on the days I felt up to trying an entirely new pool and place and parking and payment and although that's a lot of "letter p" words they're all reasons my brain balked.

So I didn't.

And I'm feeling it.  Which I figured I would.  And I suspect the high stress didn't help things either.

When I noticed it was impacting my sleep (by me worrying that I was lying "too much" on my side and so like forcing myself to roll over, thereby not really sleeping all that deeply) on Saturday night, I did do a yoga for shoulders and yoga for back pain video and I think that helped loosen things up a little.

I have a massage booked for this week and that will help and it's been cool enough that a hot water bottle on the area isn't just helpful it's also welcome, but yeah, aging bodies are no joke.  Which is likely why all the older gals from the aquafit classes made sure they got to alternate classes.... they know.... 

Out Of Steam

Yeah so I kind of ran out of steam there after a few posts about whatever.

The weekend drained me for sure and I also pushed my comfort zone and did a social thing (again) a couple of evenings ago and I have the tired grumps I guess?

Yay? 

Good For Me!

I'm really quite proud of myself for going to meet people for coffee last week (and one time before that).

I don't drink coffee, but that's not the point, that's what this sort of meet up is called, you know?  "Hey, want to get together for coffee." meaning a sort of short social chat over a non alcoholic drink, during the day usually.  Right?  Right.  

So at some point I learned that some of the water fitness folks would meet up after class for a coffee.

At some later point, some of them started to invite me.  I mostly had appointments or something that meant I wasn't able to but I also had a lot of social anxiety around it and so didn't.

But then the pool let us know it would be closing and people in class started moving on and not coming to class anymore and then one day, one of the ladies that I really like was in the lobby of the pool waiting on folks and saw me and said I should come (I couldn't that day) but she took my email and invited me to the next one.

I asked my class buddy if she'd go with (easier for me that way) and we went after class the next time and it was pleasant.

It took some extra thinking/planning for me as I chose to leave my gear in the locker and go to the coffee place and then back to the pool and THEN home (they're all within walking distance for me) but I knew that was going to happen in advance so I had it pre planned in my mind and the friend and I walked there and yeah it was nice.

So last week when the invite went out again (they meet a couple of times a month) I wasn't sure I could manage it (anxiety wise) and my buddy was out of town so I didn't commit to going, but on the day I felt up for it and even though I was nervous (which is less intense than anxious) I got dressed, grabbed my brolly and headed out the door.  I was really proud of myself as I did that!  I was nervous/anxious on the walk, but somehow it's slightly less intimidating with these people.  And I've been thinking about that.

I didn't know all of them that first time, but was introduced.  And it's not always the same people, but they all have the pool fitness class in common.  And I'm not sure that it matters, but they are all older than me. (By quite a lot.  I think the youngest are a decade or more over my age?)  Maybe that does matter?  Maybe there's less of a sense of needing to impress or something?  They're not co-workers, or anyone that might have expectation of me.  I don't know why I'm not stressed by going and chatting about whatever with these folks.  Maybe because I've been doing that before class for a couple of years so I'm used to it?

But the point of this is that I'm proud of myself for going and not avoiding like I've done with a lot of things over the years since anxiety became a thing in my life.  I'm proud of me for pushing outside that comfort zone and I'm glad to have been wanted and invited too, you know?

So *pat on the back* good for me doing a thing I'd likely not have done a handful of years ago.  Yay! 

Oh and it's also new (?) for me to actively congratulate myself and recognize I'm doing something new so I'm happy that I had the thought "I'm proud of myself right now."