Bed

Going to and getting up from bed is a weird thing for me of late.

I am an entirely different person when I do or don't sleep.  Getting good, solid sleep is massively important for me, but unfortunately not always as easy to do.

But this isn't quite about the sleep portion, but the getting to and getting from it.

I have my last food of the day around 7:30pm.  It's when I take my nightime meds.  And by "meds" I mean a collection of herbal/supplement type things that seem to work to help me chill a bit.  

And then it's sort of a weird limbo.  Seven thirty is way too early to go to bed.  Even if I'm exhausted enough to fall asleep at that time (I mean last week I *HAD* to have a 10 minute nap at about 6:30pm or else I wasn't going to make it but that was high risk.) I will NOT sleep through the night if I do and waking up at 1 or something is not helpful, so... I don't.

I've tried reading, but it's so late that my body just wants to fall asleep instead.  I've tried knitting but it seems that in the low light of evening I make more mistakes than during the day.  So I spend the next few hours on my laptop/phone.  Usually watching a show.  And bouncing between that and social media sites.  Blah.

It's not.... like thrilling?  I don't love it?  But what else am I supposed to do in that time?  

And I clock watch.  "Oh, it's only 8:30.  Hmmmm, it's 9:20, that's still a bit early no?" And at some point close to ten I'm sort of trying to feel out my level of sleepiness.  And a lot of the time it's not really there but I know I need to give it a try, especially on a work night, to make sure I'm up and rested for a certain time in the morning.

I'll tidy up the kitchen (most nights), take my sleep stuff (yes, different than my night time calm down stuff) brush my teeth and head to bed.  I'll write in my (gratitude) journal about the day,  and then I'll read my book (some nights if I'm exhausted and drained I just get into bed and turn off the lights.)

Sometimes I have to stop reading because I look over at the clock and it's late.  Sometimes I can't focus on the page and I put myself to sleep.  Sometimes I'll read a few chapters and half unwillingly put the book down.  The other night I was reading and didn't want to finish the book but sort of forced myself to stop even though I didn't feel sleepy sleepy.

And then it's very hit or miss.  I need the temperatures to be not too warm (see summer for when this becomes a massive problem) and I need my body and mind to be settled and ready and I need my body to be in a good position and the sheets to be smooth and comfortable.  And then I try to fall asleep.

Occasionally I can tell that I won't fall asleep easily and I'll take a melatonin (as per doctor's orders) but sometimes I don't know that I need to and I'll toss and turn for hours.  That sucks.  Rarely, if I'm not falling asleep I'll take a melatonin late late and then I'm groggy in the morning so it's a bit of a guessing game.  Sometimes I'm sure I'm going to crash out and nope.  But I'm always hopeful and trying.  

But sometimes that whole block of time from 7:30pm to whenever I fall asleep is this big nothing.  It doesn't feel like a good use of my time, it just feels like stalling until it's late enough.  While also making sure I don't wind myself up.  And then hoping, really really hoping I fall asleep and get a really good sleep that night.  

And then there's getting out of bed.  On work mornings there's the alarm that I get up to even if I don't want to (you may remember my years of wake up struggles) but on non work days it's another weird limbo.

On non work days sometimes I want to just sleep as long as I can.  Especially when that morning sleep has gotten deep.  But often my bladder makes that impossible.  Or sometimes the light.  Or whatever.  But I'll often sort of TRY to stay or go back to sleep and succeed, and sometimes I'm debating how much longer I can ignore my need to pee, and sometimes I'm thinking about what I have or planned to do that morning and calculating how long I could stay in bed before I need to get up and do that thing.

But getting out of bed is another weird limbo.  I'm rarely looking forward to doing it.  If I've slept badly or had an interrupted night or a few other situations, I can wake up feeling miserable.  There was a morning last week where for WHATEVER reason I woke up and immediately was nauseated.  I thought I might be ill, but sometimes my body really just gets mad when it hasn't had "enough" sleep.  

So the process of getting out of bed is either frustrating because it's an alarm (radio) telling me to get up now and go to work in an hour or so and THAT sucks, or it's me wanting to be deeply asleep and not face the day but knowing I "should" get up or my body telling me it needs to pee or some other weird pressure or just no longer being sleepy and I just want to be able to go to bed when I'm done for the day and sleep deeply and completely through the night to wake up happy and rested to get another day going.

Getting solid sleep helps with all this.  But that limbo I find myself in both before and after bed has started to become a part of the day I almost dread.  

I don't think I explained this as clearly as I wanted to when I was lying in bed the other morning thinking about it all but there we go. 

Social

One of the diagnoses I was given is that of social anxiety disorder.  Which, I find amusingly, has the same acronym as seasonal affective disorder which I maybe probably also have, but have managed pretty well for the last few winters (I think!) thanks in no small part to Vitamin D and a special lamp that I have but that I use year round.  But I digress.  Social anxiety disorder.... that's where I was starting.

I don't know what most people think this means but when I google it the definitions and explanations lean heavily on the "fear of being judged" aspect of it, but that's not quite what it is for me.

For me I avoid a lot of things because the whole idea of it feels like way too much.  The getting there, the parking (or walking version of that.... where does my coat go, etc.), the entering (where?  how?  will people look at me weird?) the thing itself, (is there seating?  how will it work?  are there expectations of me?) and I could go on and on but really, social stuff is a LOT for me and that makes most things these days really not feel 'worth' the energy it will take.

Well the gym I've gone to for ages and most recently have been doing my water fitness classes at is closing.  Or, more truthfully, they're moving out of the building they're in and moving in to a new place (where I'm not sure I want to go due to, well, see above... the getting there, the not knowing how it works, the figuring it all out, the newness, the change, the difference, the stress of it all.)  Over the weekend they put on a celebration of their time at this location.  

When I got the invite, I didn't *not* want to go, which is often how I feel about things, and that was a good thing.  (I've been going to this place for years and years off and on so it's quite a "comfortable" location for me.) And then on the day of, I wasn't sure I wanted to go but I also didn't fully commit to not going.

People in my classes were like "are you going?  Will I see you there?") and I gave non committal answers but the morning of, I went to get my passport photo done (so I did my hair and even put on make up!) and then came home and was pretty tired out from that walk (I walk when and where I can for the exercise) and so I got changed but didn't wash my face.  (Telling myself I might go to the event, but that I didn't have to.)  When it got closer to the time I was pretty honestly 50/50.  The fact that I didn't have an internal hard no to going was interesting, but I also wasn't sure about going.  Then my friend from class texted to see if I was going and so I said "sure, I'll throw on some clothes and meet you there out front ok?"  And that "buffer" of someone I get along with to go in with is a huge help for me.  So we went and ran into some of our classmates and instructors and had a nice time and so that was a small little success that was kind of really a big deal for me and is the most "social activity" I've done outside of work or the exercise class in a long time.  Pre-lockdown for sure.

 It sucked to get home from that and not be able to text Jason to tell him and have him genuinely celebrate that success/win with me.  Sure, I could have texted him but he doesn't really respond much these days and most weekends I don't hear from him at all anymore, and he doesn't feel like someone who is capable of celebrating my wins right now/anymore anyway.  So I didn't.

I did let my brother know and he was like "good job!" But man oh man it hurts to not have that person (in Jason), you know?

The other thing I noticed was that by mid way through the event (we were standing at the back) my body really started to hurt/be sore.  I tried stretching but by the time I got home I was in a lot of discomfort from standing essentially still for a couple of hours (listening to speeches.)  This was interesting to me because it suggests there may be more going on with my upper body aches and pains than I thought.  (More on this another time, I don't think I've brought it up yet?)

I ended up taking a couple of OTC muscle relaxants before bed and then woke up in a low mood, which probably makes sense considering what was in my system (I guess?) so I went to my exercise class the next morning and that combined with the sunshine we got lifted my mood and moved my achy body and I'm very glad for that.

Last night when I got home and was trying to loosen up my body with some heat, I felt so great about going to a social thing that I wanted to make sure I go to some more, and I considered a small concert/show that's happening this week but I let myself pause and think about it, especially since that's a work night and I'm usually pretty drained after work....

Oh and another thing of note..... that's the most people I've been around without a mask in a long time.  I tried not to think too much about it and I did have a mask in my pocket in case I ended up feeling I needed it but that's another consideration for me in the "social anxiety" portion.  Is now I am a little more aware of what germs and viruses might be circulating around me.  And yeah, I'm still that person who doesn't want to contract Covid, and no, I still haven't tested positive for it and I'd really rather not.  I know not everyone is on the same page with that and I know the friend I went with figures she probably had it the "last few weeks" but also didn't bother testing because it's "just a cold/flu" and I didn't argue with her but I am not in agreement with that thinking but I'm also fine to just keep those thoughts to myself with most acquaintance type people.  Everyone lives with their own understanding of public health and their bodies and their comfort level and their medical knowledge and although I don't talk about my work I'm not a doctor or public health nurse so it's literally not my job to try to educate anyone about health related matters.  But yeah, I did have a moment thinking "hmmm, this is a lot of people and I'm out here without a mask.... I hope that doesn't backfire on me" but this whole last paragraph is just an aside to what was a choice I made and am proud of and patting myself on the back for doing.  Yay me.  As I said to my brother "I socialed!"  Right on.

Well Isn't That Funny

In some kind of ironic type situation..... the temperatures dropped just enough this weekend that I needed to put one of my winter blankets back on.

Mind you, my windows are still wide open (unheard of for this time of year) so it wasn't a major cool down.  

And then the next night I put a SECOND winter blanket back on (but then threw it off again at some point) so maybe February will give us the chillier nights we haven't yet had this winter.  Or not... we'll see.

Well That Helped

So last night I fell asleep actually feeling a little bit cold for a change, so yeah that fleece blanket I put over my sheet but under the comforter is *really* warm (I took it off yesterday, right?)

I will keep it off (until/if a freeze happens) but I might put another one back on my bed on TOP of the comforter.  But it was nice to be falling asleep and not being "too warm".... you know, in WINTER!

You Guys?

I now have all of my winter warmth blankets off my bed (but not put fully away).

This is bizarrely warm.  I know it's in part someone from the company that manages our building's heating adjusted something a while back that made a HUGE difference, but it's also just that it's been such a warm winter (for the most part).   

I fell asleep with just a sheet over me last night.  That's usually not something I do until the middle of summer.

Maybe the building's warmth is having more of an effect than I know?  (I don't have heat on in my bedroom but it doesn't mean the people above/below me don't....)

But yeah, falling asleep (still a little too warm) last night and thinking to myself "it's February!" was the straw that had me remove the last of my extra blankets this morning. 

Oh And?

Oh and that same book I mentioned yesterday?  I'm really enjoying it and it's a Canadian author and set on the mainland which is really neat because she'll mention a location and my brain goes "I know where that is!" or "I know what she's implying by bringing up *that* neighbourhood!" but the other night one of the characters chose to walk home "even though it was a couple of miles" and I had to stop reading.

This is a CANADIAN book.  By a CANADIAN author (I double checked the next day) and so seeing "miles" when we don't use miles, like ever, really took me out of the story.  It's not mentioned that perhaps that character is from the States or anything like that and so I'm really not sure why that term was used.  Even if it's easier to write... it's not a unit of measurement we use.  

It really jarred my brain, which is funny because had the setting been in "not Canada" I likely wouldn't even have noticed.  

Go figure eh? 

Well I Wouldn't Kick Him Out Of Bed For Eating Crackers

I came across the phrase "I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers" in a book I'm reading.... while I was in bed.  And honestly, I had to think about it.

I mean I've for sure said this at some point or another (in a joking manner as it's meant to suggest someone is very attractive and so could get away with this thing) but you know what?  I don't, in reality, know that I would put up with someone eating crackers in a bed we were sharing!

Like one time a few months ago I had been eating something before bed (a while before bed) and hadn't noticed that a crumb or two had slipped unseen onto my chest under whatever I was wearing and so when I got into bed (and stripped down) those crumbs made their way from my cleavage/chest to the sheets.

And then didn't let me sleep (a la "Princess and the Pea") until I had turned the light back on, pulled the blankets back and swept the sheets to get rid of the super annoying tiny little crumb.

So I mean it's maybe a fun sort of thing to say but the truth of it, for me, is if you're eating in bed?  I'm not going to be happy.  And if you get crumbs in the bed?  I will be mad.  And have to clean it.  And if you did it repeatedly?  I might actually kick you out of bed!  I'm just saying!  My sleep is important and my body is super picky about smoothness and crumbs are not that.

Besides, what made him think it was a good idea to have crackers as a snack in a bed anyway!?

So I think I might actually kick him out of bed for even attempting to eat crackers.  

 

*But the spirit of the saying is still there ;)  

A New Month

I like January.  I have a birthday in January.  Plus when I was a kid it would always snow on my birthday in January.  Snow when you're a kid is awesome because you don't have to worry about things like driving or getting to work or groceries, you just get to play in the snow and enjoy it.  Plus January is a new start, if you need it or want it.  I like January.

Last January was rough.  I woke up on my birthday with what we figure was bronchitis.  It was awful.  I really tried to not have that repeat this year.  (Success!)  I washed my hands more, and better (I literally watched a video on how to properly wash your hands a few months ago) and I took Cold-FX preventative and I tried to eat well and hydrate.  I'm half sure I'm fighting something.  But also my body doesn't stay chill when I'm stressed and I'm stressed.

This year, January was rough again.  Thankfully not for illness reasons, but for interpersonal relationship reasons. There were some family based stressed last year and this year was the same but for very different reasons.  I'm hopeful the information that I gathered last week (or so) will bring positive change for and to my family but holy shit was that ever a lot to process and deal with.  (Nothing bad, just someone with some information that makes a lot click into place but that also needs some getting used to.... and no, it's not a "coming out of a closet" kind of thing... not that that would have been a problem if it was.)  And while things were overwhelming and TOO MUCH to deal with, I didn't have Jason there to talk to and vent to and lean on and discuss and dissect it all with.  That's a missing for me.  Eleven years of having him to bounce my life off of (it's how I process a lot... talking it through with someone I trust) and now it's not there.  Sure I told him.  And he listened but it's not the same.  We're not close right now.  (I don't know if we ever will be again.... but we're not right now and I hate it.)

Oh and did I mention that I can't seem to rip myself away from the absolutely awful things that are happening just to the south of me/us?  Yeah, that too.... It sure doesn't help.

I'm bummed that the last couple of Januaries weren't..... easy.   Especially what with it being my *special* month. 

But we go onwards.  The calendar flips over.  Sunrise and sunset are stretching out away from each other.  We made it through the darkest weeks.  It's been a mild winter so far, which is disconcerting and abnormal, but February might give us a run for our money... we'll see (but I'm not banking on it).  I might even take off some more layers of my bed.  I already have the top two warm layers put aside but it's been 22 in my bedroom the last few nights which is warm, for me.  It's all odd.  

And odd unsettles me.  Or doesn't let me settle, or something.  

I cancelled a social invite this weekend.  Asked for a raincheck.  Just don't have it in me.  

I didn't go on my usual Saturday errand walk.  I let myself stay home and not do much. 

I kept up with the things I *had* to this last week.  I ate the frozen meals I keep on hand for this kind of a week.  But I also cooked a batch of a pasta dish and ate it three days in a row so cooking was a success I felt pleased about.  Like, happy I pulled enough energy together to manage that.

My sleep isn't deep but I'm happy to be getting some. I'm doing the best I can with what I have with everything that's going on right now.

So here's to February and whatever it might bring in terms of mental/emotional settling or processing, or snow/cold weather or whatever's coming. 

February's a weird one.  It can be SO cold.  But March and spring is *right* there.

January was long, but it's also so quickly over.  The last week and a half of it went on for a very long time for me.  (And yes, I've already seen Cadbury's creme eggs out and about.) 

But They're So Happy

A winter storm hit much of the United States (and parts of Canada although maybe not the same storm, I didn't really look into it) last week and people were posting the fun/cute/silly videos of their winter-type dogs who did NOT want to come in from the freezing cold and snow.

What I found myself thinking as these dogs clearly revel in the temperatures they are built for.... are they then not miserable the rest of the time?

Like are these dogs spending their lives overheated or too warm and these rare snowstorms are the first time they feel comfortable and normal?

Or am I overthinking it and it's just novel for them.

Or maybe a bit of both.

I just... this is the first time it's made me kind of sad to think about these animals being so happy in the cold and snow therefore maybe being less happy the rest of the time. 

Wishing For A Normal

It's taken me a while to put together the words that *maybe* describe how I feel but here goes.....

I am struggling with a lot of "lack of normal" in my life right now.

Things with Jason aren't how they have been for a decade.  They're not normal or comfortable or usual.  This is an awful lot to deal with.

Things in the outside world aren't how they were for most of my adult life.  They're horrific and not comfortable and scary and I'm in a constant state of bracing for worse.  *This* is an awful lot to deal with.

Stuff happened in my family last week, and it's positive (I feel) and I'm happy about it but it's a big shift (not sure if/when I'll talk about it) but it's not normal or comfortable or what I've known all my life and this is an AWFUL lot to deal with.

There's not a lot of normal/regular I can sort of sink into right now, and I need that grounding sort of feeling.

I can distract for a while with "normal" things (work, groceries, exercise, shows) and that's good but the rest is hovering in the background just... there.  Waiting for me to slip up in my distraction attempts.

So yeah, there isn't a lot I can ground myself with right now because this is a lot of change and a lot of new and a lot of not good/not comfortable/not ok.

"This too shall pass" they say and I'm sure things will eventually settle for me in one or two of those areas but wow, sometimes I really do understand why people "numb out" with substances.  Life can really be unsettling and a lot, eh? 

Notes

Things are SO heavy right now.  Sure, in my personal world, but also in the larger outside world (I'm looking at you most of all 'Merica) and I wanted to sort of not get into all of that so I picked up my "potential blog posts" sticky note to see if something there wanted to be told and um, I wonder what I meant by *protein "gospel".

Because I can guess at what I was maybe going to talk about with regards to protein (getting more of it in my day to day) but "gospel"?  Like, why is it in quotations?  Did I mean the people who are pushing protein into all the foods these days?  Or how protein seems really popular right now?  Did I at some point find someone like talking as if they were selling a gospel about protein?  I don't know!!!!

The notes make sense to me at the time, absolutely.  But clearly after a while whatever I was thinking slips from my mind and leaves me scratching my head.... protein "gospel"... hmmmm....

So, yeah, I picked up the sticky and then put it back down because the only things I felt like I wanted to talk about where that and "oven mess" which... maybe later.  (It was important at the time, clearly!) 

When Talking About The Weather Isn't Small Talk

The weather last week was gorgeous.

It was delightfully bright and sunny and there wasn't much of a wind (if any) which meant that while it was chilly (and cold at night) the days were amazing.  I still bundled up to go outside mind you but I really noticed that having that bright sun all day did help my mood.

There's just something great about looking (or being) outside and seeing brightness.  It feels lively.  And for me (you know how I am) not having to deal with heat and overheating while getting sun is AWESOME!

So yeah, the weather (which will change this week to rainy and overcast again) this last week made a difference, I think, for me and I'm very grateful for that.

Yay winter sun!  You rule!  

Oh and I was talking to someone who is new to Canada and they mentioned how odd everything looked in the morning when all white and crispy! (Covered in frost) So that was a cool reminder, to see it through the eyes of someone who'd not seen frost before.  

And double oh, *knock on wood* but my current winter blanket set up at night has been keeping up with these cold but not OMG COLD nights, yay! 

Twenty Twenty Twenty Four Hours To Go

I don't know if other operating systems do this but Apple has a feature where you can have it tell you how much time to spent on your device(s) in the previous week.

I get my updates on Sunday morning and am usually quite chagrined at how much time I'm spending on my laptop/phone.

But yesterday, the notification told me that my screen time last week was "up" and that my screen time last week had been 24 hours each day.  

Which?  Um... no.

I mean yes, I feel I am on my devices too much, but I am absolutely not on them 24 hours a day!  I mean...no.  It was quite a funny surprise to see actually because it then made me realize that the screen time notifications I've been receiving may not be as accurate as I assumed.  

Which made me wonder what is maybe running in the background convincing my laptop it's being used when it's not.

I don't shut my laptop (my last laptop had issues after a few years because of being open and shut so I'm a little paranoid about it and just either let it or put it to sleep when I'm not using it) when I'm done with it and this must be allowing something to run in the background.

I did just poke around in "Screen Time" and the numbers I'm getting from the browser I use are actually more hours of "usage" than there are literal hours in a day so yeah something's fucky.

I don't love closing my browser completely as it then forces me to re sign in to ALLLL the things so I'll maybe take a look and see if I can find a fix for that but yeah, I promise I'm not on my laptop or phone 24/7, you know?  Heh.  (And no I don't sleep with any devices so it's not that either.  Everybody stays in the other room when I go to bed.) 

That's a Nope

Sometimes (like last night) my body "refuses" to swallow a pill/vitamin.

The relevant background info is that I can NOT swallow a pill just with water, never have been able to, have tried all the tricks and suggestions, so I have to chew up some food (and not all food works, so bread is the "best" chance) and stick the vitamin/pill into the food and then not think about it and swallow the food lump and vitamin/pill with it.

But!  Sometimes I just can't get it down, even when all the other vitamins went down one just won't.  Over the years I've come to accept (or believe?) that that's my body saying I don't need/want any of that right now.  So I'm trusting my body's wisdom when it is impossible to swallow a vitamin pill.  

All this to say, last night I didn't take my magnesium pill and that's just that.  (I tried.... it was a nope) 

Some Processing I Guess

I had a not great dream that my alarm woke me up from this morning.  Which (the alarm going off) kind of made things worse.

So this was a morning dream and in it I had reconnected with my high school person.  He was kind of a crush but also not but we were close in the way teenagers can be (through phone calls late into the night and such) and I probably kind of liked him but we were both shy and so nothing happened.  We've reconnected a few times over the years via email or text or whatever but I haven't seen him since we were teens.  

Well he showed up on my dream last night.  We connected and reconnected and it was romantic (not just platonic) and felt SO so good and right and amazing.  This part of the dream was great.  Then there was another woman there?  (No idea how or why of course, it's a dream after all!) and to me it felt like they were maybe flirting?  And this made me really uncomfortable.... and then he offered to walk her out and I just knew something was going to happen (a kiss) and so I was SO hurt and devastated and before he could come back inside and before I could ask him if a kiss had happened and get some resolution about how uncool that had been and I was probably going to move on from him and us, my alarm went off.

So I never got the resolution I might have had the dream continued.  Sigh.

I still woke up hurt and sad and broken hearted and we can probably guess that this isn't *technically* about him but still.... it was nice to have the happy for a while I guess....? 

A Semi Redacted Summary Of Sorts. Kinda.

A couple of years ago Jason got a job in his field of work (after a long time of being underemployed) in a location that unfortunately exposed him to a lot of trauma and hard stuff that got to him.  He also went through an inordinate amount of personal loss and these things combined and sort of ganged up on him and his mental health got worse and worse until he and his doctor (mainly his doctor TBH) decided he wasn't able to continue on and pulled him from work.

(This is similar to what happened with me but for different (?) reasons in a different field of work.)

This whole situation was hard on our friendship because the friend I'd come to know, and more importantly RELY on for the last 8 or 9 years was no longer quite there.  I mean sure in body, but in spirit, soul, energy and mind?  No.

As hard as this was on him, this is my space and so my focus will be on how this was hard on me.  (Sorry that that feels selfish... as my mother might say blogging and social media is inherently self centered... so... here we are.)

He and I talked quite openly and honestly about how his mental state would impact his ability to "be there" for me but he said he'd try and I said I understood and would try to lean less heavily on him and take more care of myself as best I could.

Things did not improve.  He kept losing friends and loved ones.  I kept trying to reduce the amount of support I asked for.  But it's not as if I was magically feeling delightfully better.

There are no set dates but close to a year ago I started sort of pulling back for my own sake.  Rather than us FOR SURE seeing each other on my Friday (my last day of work for my part time work right now) there would be weeks where I didn't feel like it so we'd adjust or not see each other that week at all.  (Which means a change in my eating and feeding myself - not having a home cooked meal and leftovers from him at least once a week.)

In the last few months it feels like the state of the world has impacted him in some severely negative ways (I won't get into the why but there are reasons why) and he's been more and more negative to be around, which I can't handle very often.

For months now I've been unable to rely on him for much of anything.  I don't have him to call and talk to when I"m struggling.  This has been a huge change and loss for me.  Huge.  I can't overstate that.

And since the issue at the start of December, we haven't spent hardly any time together and only seem to talk when he's had a few drinks and needs to vent.  And I've had to put up boundaries around that (that he sometimes ignores and I then have to reinforce) because I'm struggling myself and can't handle the venting and the way he vents as it sets me off and triggers huge anxiety for me.

So December was awful for us, or for me I guess.... and we had just started to sort of find a peace again and we hung out for a bit on Christmas day but then his friend ended his life and Jason has not been anywhere near ok since then.  In sometimes frightening to me ways.

I've talked with counsellors about what's going on but it's not helping and often upsets me more than helps in any way.  I know I can't *fix* him and that's a good thing and I'm not really even trying.  I have tried to support him as I could, like making sure he's eating and I've popped in from time to time to say hi but not hang out and I'm doing my best to trust his health care team but I am S T R U G G L I N G with the change and the shift and the total loss of my friend that I've had and relied on (even if imperfect and hard at times) for more than ten years. 

I don't know where things will land.  I have worries.  Large worries.  A counsellor said it sounded like I felt my life feels like a "chinese finger trap" right now and I guess that's accurate.  I really feel stuck.  I can't comfortably completely pretend Jason doesn't exist right now.  But having him in my life right now is pretty awful.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this as Jason is the person I've talked to about ALL the things for a long while now.  I can't handle the sort of normal-world judgment I know most will have if I attempt to explain the ins and outs of things and I know that when I'm in a very bad spot and/or a panic that I just am desperate for help but then if I talk to someone at that time, once I calm down a bit I'll regret the things that I said and so I... don't.  There isn't anyone to talk to about this.  Not like I'd talk to Jason about it were he ok/himself.

I do have an online friend (through the Burning Man community) who has been very helpful and talked me down a good few times but man I feel bad about that and so don't want to be a burden but she assures me it's not and I'm not.  But also I know I need to get through the anxiety and stress myself and to grow from this.... whatever this is.

I am also working at sort of... extracting my things and stuff that are wrapped up in Jason and his place (I have no storage at my place so some of my stuff is there and it stresses me greatly to think about dealing with that... as an example.)

I've never been married, but I'm imagining that this is how awful divorce must feel for people.  You're losing your person.  Your go to.  And your lives are intertwined financially and physically and so there's so much loss and change and work there too.

I know I didn't lose someone the same way Jason did but I have absolutely lost here.  This intense friendship isn't there anymore.  I'm not sure it will recover.  But even if it does I need to make changes so that I'm not this devastated by all the things he may or may not go through.  

I don't know.  I don't feel like I'm being clear.  (And I've been interrupted by two phone calls while typing this so I keep losing my overall train of thought.)  

TL;DR - I'm not ok and I don't have my friend around anymore who has helped me all the other times I've not been ok and it's really not ok and I"m struggling.  

Ewww... Ohh?

So you probably know that I have a mild amount of tolerance for spiders in my place.

And you've probably heard my stories about spiders who cross over my personal boundaries and are then escorted elsewhere (but kept alive.)

Other than occasionally getting annoyed at webby type messes I have to clean up in places I don't see that often (behind things, around the back of things... wait, that ended up being the same thing which isn't what I meant) as long as you're not in my face or in my "nope" spaces, you're fine and I'm not annoyed (if a little wary.)

Well last week something happened or I *think* it happened anyway.  This apartment building has silverfish (most if not all do around here) and I do not like them. They are not something I co-habit willingly with but I know they're around and I know there could be more (thanks spiders in part I think?) 

I was wandering towards my bathroom when I noticed something on my (pale cream) wall.  I looked at it before immediately wiping it away as I was curious if it was a silverfish that needed squished but when I got close (but not TOO close) it looked like it was a silverfish but *off* of the wall as if it had been caught in some webbing (that I was unable to see) and so I left it there, quite proud of whichever spider pal laid the trap that caught the icky thing.

The next day I looked in the same spot to see if the thing was still there and it wasn't, but there WAS something else close to it... hmmm.... I bend down to take a look and what I THINK I saw was a now mummified silverfish waiting to be eaten by whichever spider wrapped it.  GAH.

I was admittedly uncomfortable with this but also wanted to encourage, you know... life and nature, and also yes please do keep on eating silverfish but also I... uh, didn't like seeing this... thing (and thinking about the death and gah and eating and ahhh!)

I left it for as long as I could (most of the day) and then eventually was like "you know what, I don't want to keep staring at this dead body so I think I'm going to remove it, sorry spider bro/ette" and so I got a piece of paper and as I approached the thing I wondered if maybe it was just a speck of dust and not a mummified bug but I was kind of weirded and grossed out anyway so without really looking I took it off the wall and put the paper and item into the trash.

So now I'm not sure if I saw a mummified silverfish at all but I'm pretty sure there was one caught the day before so I don't not know.

But yeah... I hope that the spiders that are hanging around are nomming on the dudes that I don't like and don't want in my place.

But also I don't want to think about it too too much so yeah.  There you go. 

Um, So Yeah

So things have not been good or easy around here (here meaning my mind/brain not, you know, the absolute mess the world also happens to be in... sigh) for the last few months and just when I thought things might have been lightening up they got worse.

Worse for Jason, really which all things considered means worse for me.  Yes, yes, I know, someone else's feelings and upset "shouldn't" bother and upset me but they do (yes counsellors have mentioned co-dependence as a potential issue here) and that's just what I'm dealing with right now. 

So because Jason has been incredibly not ok I have been incredibly concerned and stressed and worried and beyond anxious.

And this is all on top of all the things about our friendship I was just about to maybe start talking about here.  But yeah, things are NOT GOOD right now.  (I'm writing in a half decent mood/time though so yay for that at least.)

The weather shifted here a couple of days ago and we've gotten more seasonably appropriate temperatures (I'm still not back to full winter bedding though... go figure) and the sun has come out (these two things are related as the rain clouds keep the heat in... in non scientific terms) and the difference seeing that sun makes is immense.

(Trying hard not to mention summer here but just quickly... sun without stifling heat is always lovely..... just saying.)

Because I'm in a decent enough mood at the moment I sat myself down to try to write which is how we ended up with this post that I'm not sure says much but is at least a post, you know?

I've had some REALLY hard/bad/rough/awful moments.  But as my counsellors would want me to point out.... I'm here and I'm dealing with them.  (As much as it sucks at the time to have to do so.) 

It Was A Feeling Of Absolute Terror

Things have been really stressful for the last six plus weeks and my body clearly is trying to find ways to discharge that stress.

For example... I woke up in the middle of last night in a dead panic.  Like an INSTANTLY AWAKE SIT UP PURE PANIC. 

My entire system was flooded with intense adrenaline panic.

Why?

Because my teddy bear, which is one of two (it's not) had been stolen and the fake rubber one was in my bed.  (The only one I have was in my bed.) 

I reached out and touched the fake (in this state of mind) teddy bear and let myself wake up enough to realize that I only have the one bear and that it was still in the bed and so everything was fine and then I put myself back down and must have eventually gotten back to sleep.

But in thinking about this... what a wonderfully gentle way for my body and brain to freak out.  

I've had more than a few "teddy isn't ok" dreams over the last while (year or two) and I'm not entirely sure why (not really needing to analyze it but I probably could.. something something security... something something childhood, I don't know) but it's what my brain is sending me in the middle of the night as a high stress situation... that teddy is missing/stolen/wrong/gone.

I've had teddy all my life, I do hope I will have him for the rest of my life.  I really hope no one ever breaks in in the middle of the night just to steal him but this thought is something my brain is really very stressed by.

And wow, I do not remember ever having that intense of a fear wake up before.  Yikes.  That was rough.  

Oh Life....

More often than I'd like to admit, when I sit myself down to try to write a few posts, my brain starts with "oh life" because I mean Oh.... life... phew.  Which then causes my brain to sing "OOOOOOH Life... it's Bigger!  It's bigger than YOU and YOU are not me" (From R.E.M.'s "Losing My Religion")

Which means that just a few minutes ago I indulged this ear worm and flipped over to YouTube to watch the video.  (It's a great video.)

Which made me think about how many of us grew up with these magic, truly amazing mini video movies that came along with our songs and our music and how those videos, like WATCHING the performance of it was part of how the song ingrained itself into our minds and memories.

I'm sure music videos are still a big thing and yes I've seen some of them of course but to me at least it feels like music videos used to be such a big thing.  And maybe it's that there wasn't a YouTube to go to.  You'd watch a show, a program and they'd show you this video and that one and debut a new one from whoever and it was a whole thing.  And yes, I know that MTV recently shut down their whatever channel or something but I was a Much Music girl anyway and whatever other stations I had access too although when I was young enough I wasn't actually allowed to watch those shows as my folks seemed to think they were trash (maybe they were) but man oh man there is some excellent art out there and honestly some songs for me were *made* by their video.  As in the video did an exceptional job of selling the song and became part of it.  

This still goes on, absolutely.  Like I've never listened to "This is America" by Childish Gambino *without* watching the work of arr that is the video.  I don't' know that I would listen to the song without the visual accompaniment.   It is a part of the story.  It IS the story.  

I believe the oldest movies were silent (no sound/talking) but accompanied by music.   This combo has been around a long while.  

I guess this is just me wanting to say I'm so grateful I had such great music growing up and into my early adulthood and that a good chunk of that had some amazing music videos to go along with it.