My Mouth Still Hurts

Last week I had an appointment to deal with a filling on a molar because a cavity had formed underneath the filling (don't ask me how I just work here... something something margins or I dunno....)

It had been visible on my last couple of X-rays I guess but when I had my cleaning and checkup in January the dentist was like "yeah ok it's time to deal with this here are your options - a filling or a crown."

I don't know anything about dentistry so asking me to choose feels kind of unfair, especially when it was at the end of my appointment and kind of a shock and so I tried to ask questions, all the while fighting the panic of "I don't want to do this" and after some conversation we decided to go with replacing the filling with a new one knowing that it would need to be come a crown "at a later time" but that this option would put less stress on the tooth.  So that I could mentally prepare myself, I asked how long this appointment would be and he said it would be about ninety minutes.  Ok, so an hour and a half.  Ok.  Sigh.

I took the day (well, half day if we're being picky) off of work (I only work three half days) and showed up and was kind of nervous/anxious but that's par for the course for me.

The dentist came in and put in the freezing.  He's very slow and steady doing this because I have had pain from the needles before (they numbed the injection spot too though) but I don't know why (I really need to look into this but google searches haven't given me any answers) but something about the position of being back and tipped down for the shot makes it so I feel like I can't breathe.  I had taken an allergy pill JUST IN CASE my nose got stuffy and so I knew it wasn't a "can't breathe through my nose due to sniffles" situation but I don't know how to explain it other than I felt like I couldn't breathe well or properly.  I hate this.  It causes panic and intense extreme anxiety.  I do my best to just get through it and remind myself that I am actually breathing and getting air and that it's all ok, but it's a miserable time for me and there were three injection spots this time so it took seemingly forever and I was very very not ok.  Yes the dentist checks in while he's doing this and after he asked if it was ok and I said that while I hadn't felt the injections, I was dealing with some sort of breathing issue and he nodded and said "remember to breathe through your nose" which I'm pretty sure I was?  But then he went to do dentist things and I started to cry.  I wasn't ok.  The dental helper person (I don't know the proper name, sorry.. assistant? Yeah it's probably a dental assistant) came in and was like oh no and got me Kleenex and sat me up and comforted me but I was so upset and couldn't hold the tears back and like ok, the rest wouldn't be so bad right?  Sure.  That was the worst part, right?  

Then the dentist came back and said "we need to have a chat".  I was confused.

He then asked me what we were doing today.  I was confused.  

But I was also thrown off and clearly emotionally upset by the nearly dying feeling and so I didn't sort of think to say "we already discussed we were redoing the filling?" because I just assume the dentist knows more than I do in these situations but I was confused. 

He explained a few things, like how the cavity might be too deep and when he got in there it might actually be at the root and then we'd have to do a root canal (a huge fear of mine from what other people have said about them) and so the options were presented and explained to me.   A filling... pros and cons... a filling with a special type of material... pros and cons (slightly stronger) or a crown (strongest but again not sure what'll be down there when he gets in to look and something about thin sides or something, I don't know.  There were drawings.  I was supposed to decide.  He left.

Someone came in and took scans (in case of a crown) and the dentist and I went over the options again and how if I chose crown this and this and I'd have to come back anyway and so what did I want to do?

This, you guys, was an HOUR in to what I knew was an hour and a half appointment.   And hour of freezing and you're asking me what I want to do?  HOW DO I KNOW?

I pointed out that my scheduled time was nearly already up.  And that I would be upset if I was sent home with freezing in (since it was SO awful for me) and then had to come back and do it all again.  I was mad (inside, not showing that I hope) that I was put in this position AFTER I had been frozen.  

I tell myself he was looking at records and saw things he hadn't seen on the quick check up but still, I didn't know what the "best" choice was.  So I said as much.... "I'm not a dentist, I don't know."

I also said that I knew we didn't have time.  And that I just didn't know.  "What would you do?"

He said that option two was more conservative but better than option one but that of course if he got in and the cavity was deeper than the X-ray showed, all bets were off.

This wasn't a good situation for me.  I didn't know.  I chose the 'special filling' option over the crown, I am no longer sure that I know why other than it seemed like the smartest choice at the time.  And then I reiterated my discomfort at the time (he'd mentioned this would take a long time) and that I know how this works and it messes up the entire rest of the day for everyone, nevermind that it was now noon.... lunch.  "I'll work into my lunch hour" he said.  Well this makes me feel worse.  Now the assistant and dentist would be missing their lunch.  But also I was there, this wasn't my fault, I felt unhappy.  I told him it wasn't my choice.  (Because I don't think it should have been.)

He made the decision, said "ok I'll work into my lunch, but also I'll have to leave from time to time to do other things" (those other appointments *my* appointment was now bleeding into right????)

So ok decision made, we're doing this... today... Not a crown but a different than usual filling that will take longer but be "better" than a regular filling, unless the removal of the current filling showed unexpected things that meant "uh oh".

Sigh.

I needed to pee.  Assistant asked me if I did, I said yes and went.  She then set me up with the dental damn (hate) and the sticking it between the other teeth (ugh) and a new to me thing that helped me keep my mouth open (a tooth block?  I forget the term even though I've tried to google it four times... a like curvy thing you put in between the teeth at the other side and it lets you "rest" on it rather than having to maintain an open mouth all by yourself.  I'd never had one before.  I have jaw issues.  I wasn't sure if this would help or not but it felt decent in there so here we go.)

I don't remember what was next but there was a trip to the bathroom again with that thing stuck in my mouth.  I went pee about four times, and not little pees, decent pees.  Assistant thinks it's maybe the angle of the chair pushing whatever down on my bladder or something but I'm just so super glad she kept checking and asking if I needed to go.  Because I did.  But I'm terrified of asking WHILE they're doing stuff.

Dentist attached whatevers to the tooth, and put spacers in because the filling was huge (entire surface of the molar) and you don't want the filling stuff to get on the other teeth and whatever.  He started drilling away at the material.  (I had my phone and earphones to try to distract myself with my own music. But always not too loud so I could hear the "just turn to the left a little?" or whatever.)  He'd do stuff and then leave for a while, maybe because my "gums are bleeding and they need to stop" or someone else had an appointment and so on one of these breaks when I was going to the bathroom AGAIN I noticed that it felt like my tongue was trapped in one of the clamps and I thought "well that's going to suck" because with the freezing I couldn't feel it happening and I only discovered it when walking around to go pee and noticing that my tongue wouldn't move fully..... well crap.  Yeah that was going to hurt the next day.  Ugh.

All in all I was there for three hours.  For an hour and a half appointment.  When he was done replacing the filling and took off the clips and the dam and I had had breathing issues for the last sucky hour or so again I said "yeah I think my tongue was trapped?" "Salt water, it'll be gone in a couple of days," he replied.  (Sigh)  He had to file down whatever for my bite and I find this super frustrating because I'm STILL FROZEN, I can't actually tell if I'm biting properly on that side at all!  Like really.  I'm sure it's fine because my other side was biting but with no feeling on that side I have no idea.

And then he finished up and sat me up (and I said "well that sucked") and he said "ok we need to talk about your bite." 

NOOOO I don't want any more information!!!!  I was dazed.  Feeling shitty.

He explained that when he had gone in the filling had been RIGHT at the root (so I may need a root canal after all if things don't settle.... fuck) and that the "thin" side of my tooth had actually cracked, so he had to adjust the filling material to go around (so now that tooth feels "wrong") and make it so the other teeth around it are taking more of the hit.  Well fuck.  I have jaw issues.  I grind and clench and do terrible things and have cracked teeth doing this.  And now I have two other teeth taking on more than their weight for a third tooth that already has a crack?  I HATE THIS.  Oh and also when he took the spacers out the other teeth didn't go back to where they should have so I have gaps around the tooth now but they might fix but if they didn't and the food getting stuck in there was really bad to just let them know.  WHAT?  Oh and what he had done works nine out of ten times but if that tooth shows pain or high sensitivity to let them know as that means it needs a root canal.  WHAT?  Oh just fuck all of this.  Fuck all of this so so so much.  This sucks.

But I made jokes.  I didn't complain at the time.  It is so ingrained in me to be compliant and friendly that I wanted the dentist to know I was "cool" or whatever.  But I really really wasn't. 

Oh and he had forgotten to mention that the cost of each option was blah blah blah but I already had guessed that I'd be paying a few hundred out of pocket so whatever.  But $600 (AFTER INSURANCE!!!) later I went home feeling really terrible and unhappy about the whole thing.

I went home.  Feeling awful, but still pretty frozen, but knowing the tongue that got pinched for a couple of hours was going to suck.  I knew I needed food, but wasn't about to cook, so I knew I'd have a frozen meal and I am so happy I have protein powder on hand so I could get some good sustenance into me without chewing.

But first I had a shower.  My plan was, shower, get into comfy clothes, curl up on my couch under my blanket, have a protein drink, and watch whatever show and let the freezing come out.  I had the shower.  I got out of the shower and that's when my body decided to show me I was in shock.

I nearly passed out, nearly threw up and nearly "other thing".  I managed to get my pj top on and nothing else and made my way to my couch to lie down half naked while my body recovered.

Yeah, shock.  Go figure.

It took about half an hour before I could sit up, put the rest of my clothes on, and make myself that protein drink.  Wow.  That was scary and uncomfortable.  I have never (as far as I can remember) had a reaction to dental work like that before.  I was clearly not ok.  Very much not.

I had (frozen) mac and cheese for dinner, nice and soft.  And as the freezing came out, the tongue showed how bad it was.  Chewing was extremely painful.  I was miserable.

When I went to floss that night I was reminded that there is a gap surrounding that tooth... the gaps feel cavernous compared to what I'm used to when flossing.

So I've been taking advil for the pain and rinsing with salt water for the tongue and gum damage and using a peroxide rinse as well.  I took myself to exercise class on Thursday (two days later) and was miserable but I hoped it would help with healing or something.  My bite is weird.  Every once in a while I hit something HARD and I can't tell what tooth or why.  The first night my other jaw muscle seized up because I was chewing on that side and it had been open for three hours too.  

I haven't been able to close my mouth naturally due to the tongue wound.  (It was pretty massive, is smaller now but still not great)  I can't actually tell if the tooth is sensitive because I'm avoiding things on that side due to the tongue pain.  Talking is uncomfortable, eating is uncomfortable.  My jaw/mouth muscles are uncomfortable.  Now that the tongue wound is smaller I can feel the gum line issues.  They suck too.  I have a "pain numbing" spray from when I had strep throat and I put that on my tongue from time to time but the lump is still there so, I'm sort of managing as much as I can as best I can and it's not great or fun or easy.  Sigh.

I don't like the dentist.  I really don't like having dental work done.  I don't like the during or the aftermath.  Or the fact that apparently all this suffering may not be the end of it.  Things might still need "fixed".  Ugh.

While the work was happening I kept telling myself "it could be worse" and yeah it could have been.  And the pain I'm in is from an accidental pinch not the work itself (so far.)  I really REALLY need to figure out the "can't breathe when I'm tipped back at a certain angle" thing but I don't know where to start on that.

I am considering going back to see my dentist for a "chat" (do they do that?) to see if he has thoughts as I always feel too rushed when I see him at check ups to ask about things and I never feel like I'm making myself clear.  I think last time the "can't breathe" thing happened I assumed it was allergies/ a stuffed up nose but this time that wasn't in play as far as I can tell.   But that was the worst of the whole thing.  Between "not being able to breathe" and the pain of the injury to my tongue, I did not enjoy the situation and am wishing it hadn't happened but it is what it is and this is the first "really bad" time I've had with this dentist so I am not throwing a baby out with the bathwater or anything.  Dental stuff sucks for me.  But I do it because I do.  It seems important and health conscious to do.  But I hate it.  And I'm trying not not have my dental anxiety turn into a phobia, you know?  But yeah that breathing issue needs to be dealt with.  I wish I knew how.

And yeah, my tongue still fucking hurts a lot.  Even just sitting here typing I can feel it and I don't like it.  I probably need to take an Advil or something.  Sigh. 

Ok!

I'm putting the winter blanket back on my bed!  

The last two days it's been cold sitting by my window (the breeze has a bite) and although I've slept fine with my windows wide open it has been a bit chilly as I'm falling asleep and so I think February is going to give us the winter temps we haven't had yet and so I'm going to risk putting the blanket back on!!!! 

Um.... Ouch

Earlier this week I had a dental thing and it was unpleasant and long and my tongue was accidentally pinched by something or other (and being numbed I had no idea... for hours....) and so I'm in quite a lot of pain and discomfort and the whole thing has knocked me back a fair bit but I'll get around to talking about it, just not today.  

Bed

Going to and getting up from bed is a weird thing for me of late.

I am an entirely different person when I do or don't sleep.  Getting good, solid sleep is massively important for me, but unfortunately not always as easy to do.

But this isn't quite about the sleep portion, but the getting to and getting from it.

I have my last food of the day around 7:30pm.  It's when I take my nightime meds.  And by "meds" I mean a collection of herbal/supplement type things that seem to work to help me chill a bit.  

And then it's sort of a weird limbo.  Seven thirty is way too early to go to bed.  Even if I'm exhausted enough to fall asleep at that time (I mean last week I *HAD* to have a 10 minute nap at about 6:30pm or else I wasn't going to make it but that was high risk.) I will NOT sleep through the night if I do and waking up at 1 or something is not helpful, so... I don't.

I've tried reading, but it's so late that my body just wants to fall asleep instead.  I've tried knitting but it seems that in the low light of evening I make more mistakes than during the day.  So I spend the next few hours on my laptop/phone.  Usually watching a show.  And bouncing between that and social media sites.  Blah.

It's not.... like thrilling?  I don't love it?  But what else am I supposed to do in that time?  

And I clock watch.  "Oh, it's only 8:30.  Hmmmm, it's 9:20, that's still a bit early no?" And at some point close to ten I'm sort of trying to feel out my level of sleepiness.  And a lot of the time it's not really there but I know I need to give it a try, especially on a work night, to make sure I'm up and rested for a certain time in the morning.

I'll tidy up the kitchen (most nights), take my sleep stuff (yes, different than my night time calm down stuff) brush my teeth and head to bed.  I'll write in my (gratitude) journal about the day,  and then I'll read my book (some nights if I'm exhausted and drained I just get into bed and turn off the lights.)

Sometimes I have to stop reading because I look over at the clock and it's late.  Sometimes I can't focus on the page and I put myself to sleep.  Sometimes I'll read a few chapters and half unwillingly put the book down.  The other night I was reading and didn't want to finish the book but sort of forced myself to stop even though I didn't feel sleepy sleepy.

And then it's very hit or miss.  I need the temperatures to be not too warm (see summer for when this becomes a massive problem) and I need my body and mind to be settled and ready and I need my body to be in a good position and the sheets to be smooth and comfortable.  And then I try to fall asleep.

Occasionally I can tell that I won't fall asleep easily and I'll take a melatonin (as per doctor's orders) but sometimes I don't know that I need to and I'll toss and turn for hours.  That sucks.  Rarely, if I'm not falling asleep I'll take a melatonin late late and then I'm groggy in the morning so it's a bit of a guessing game.  Sometimes I'm sure I'm going to crash out and nope.  But I'm always hopeful and trying.  

But sometimes that whole block of time from 7:30pm to whenever I fall asleep is this big nothing.  It doesn't feel like a good use of my time, it just feels like stalling until it's late enough.  While also making sure I don't wind myself up.  And then hoping, really really hoping I fall asleep and get a really good sleep that night.  

And then there's getting out of bed.  On work mornings there's the alarm that I get up to even if I don't want to (you may remember my years of wake up struggles) but on non work days it's another weird limbo.

On non work days sometimes I want to just sleep as long as I can.  Especially when that morning sleep has gotten deep.  But often my bladder makes that impossible.  Or sometimes the light.  Or whatever.  But I'll often sort of TRY to stay or go back to sleep and succeed, and sometimes I'm debating how much longer I can ignore my need to pee, and sometimes I'm thinking about what I have or planned to do that morning and calculating how long I could stay in bed before I need to get up and do that thing.

But getting out of bed is another weird limbo.  I'm rarely looking forward to doing it.  If I've slept badly or had an interrupted night or a few other situations, I can wake up feeling miserable.  There was a morning last week where for WHATEVER reason I woke up and immediately was nauseated.  I thought I might be ill, but sometimes my body really just gets mad when it hasn't had "enough" sleep.  

So the process of getting out of bed is either frustrating because it's an alarm (radio) telling me to get up now and go to work in an hour or so and THAT sucks, or it's me wanting to be deeply asleep and not face the day but knowing I "should" get up or my body telling me it needs to pee or some other weird pressure or just no longer being sleepy and I just want to be able to go to bed when I'm done for the day and sleep deeply and completely through the night to wake up happy and rested to get another day going.

Getting solid sleep helps with all this.  But that limbo I find myself in both before and after bed has started to become a part of the day I almost dread.  

I don't think I explained this as clearly as I wanted to when I was lying in bed the other morning thinking about it all but there we go. 

Social

One of the diagnoses I was given is that of social anxiety disorder.  Which, I find amusingly, has the same acronym as seasonal affective disorder which I maybe probably also have, but have managed pretty well for the last few winters (I think!) thanks in no small part to Vitamin D and a special lamp that I have but that I use year round.  But I digress.  Social anxiety disorder.... that's where I was starting.

I don't know what most people think this means but when I google it the definitions and explanations lean heavily on the "fear of being judged" aspect of it, but that's not quite what it is for me.

For me I avoid a lot of things because the whole idea of it feels like way too much.  The getting there, the parking (or walking version of that.... where does my coat go, etc.), the entering (where?  how?  will people look at me weird?) the thing itself, (is there seating?  how will it work?  are there expectations of me?) and I could go on and on but really, social stuff is a LOT for me and that makes most things these days really not feel 'worth' the energy it will take.

Well the gym I've gone to for ages and most recently have been doing my water fitness classes at is closing.  Or, more truthfully, they're moving out of the building they're in and moving in to a new place (where I'm not sure I want to go due to, well, see above... the getting there, the not knowing how it works, the figuring it all out, the newness, the change, the difference, the stress of it all.)  Over the weekend they put on a celebration of their time at this location.  

When I got the invite, I didn't *not* want to go, which is often how I feel about things, and that was a good thing.  (I've been going to this place for years and years off and on so it's quite a "comfortable" location for me.) And then on the day of, I wasn't sure I wanted to go but I also didn't fully commit to not going.

People in my classes were like "are you going?  Will I see you there?") and I gave non committal answers but the morning of, I went to get my passport photo done (so I did my hair and even put on make up!) and then came home and was pretty tired out from that walk (I walk when and where I can for the exercise) and so I got changed but didn't wash my face.  (Telling myself I might go to the event, but that I didn't have to.)  When it got closer to the time I was pretty honestly 50/50.  The fact that I didn't have an internal hard no to going was interesting, but I also wasn't sure about going.  Then my friend from class texted to see if I was going and so I said "sure, I'll throw on some clothes and meet you there out front ok?"  And that "buffer" of someone I get along with to go in with is a huge help for me.  So we went and ran into some of our classmates and instructors and had a nice time and so that was a small little success that was kind of really a big deal for me and is the most "social activity" I've done outside of work or the exercise class in a long time.  Pre-lockdown for sure.

 It sucked to get home from that and not be able to text Jason to tell him and have him genuinely celebrate that success/win with me.  Sure, I could have texted him but he doesn't really respond much these days and most weekends I don't hear from him at all anymore, and he doesn't feel like someone who is capable of celebrating my wins right now/anymore anyway.  So I didn't.

I did let my brother know and he was like "good job!" But man oh man it hurts to not have that person (in Jason), you know?

The other thing I noticed was that by mid way through the event (we were standing at the back) my body really started to hurt/be sore.  I tried stretching but by the time I got home I was in a lot of discomfort from standing essentially still for a couple of hours (listening to speeches.)  This was interesting to me because it suggests there may be more going on with my upper body aches and pains than I thought.  (More on this another time, I don't think I've brought it up yet?)

I ended up taking a couple of OTC muscle relaxants before bed and then woke up in a low mood, which probably makes sense considering what was in my system (I guess?) so I went to my exercise class the next morning and that combined with the sunshine we got lifted my mood and moved my achy body and I'm very glad for that.

Last night when I got home and was trying to loosen up my body with some heat, I felt so great about going to a social thing that I wanted to make sure I go to some more, and I considered a small concert/show that's happening this week but I let myself pause and think about it, especially since that's a work night and I'm usually pretty drained after work....

Oh and another thing of note..... that's the most people I've been around without a mask in a long time.  I tried not to think too much about it and I did have a mask in my pocket in case I ended up feeling I needed it but that's another consideration for me in the "social anxiety" portion.  Is now I am a little more aware of what germs and viruses might be circulating around me.  And yeah, I'm still that person who doesn't want to contract Covid, and no, I still haven't tested positive for it and I'd really rather not.  I know not everyone is on the same page with that and I know the friend I went with figures she probably had it the "last few weeks" but also didn't bother testing because it's "just a cold/flu" and I didn't argue with her but I am not in agreement with that thinking but I'm also fine to just keep those thoughts to myself with most acquaintance type people.  Everyone lives with their own understanding of public health and their bodies and their comfort level and their medical knowledge and although I don't talk about my work I'm not a doctor or public health nurse so it's literally not my job to try to educate anyone about health related matters.  But yeah, I did have a moment thinking "hmmm, this is a lot of people and I'm out here without a mask.... I hope that doesn't backfire on me" but this whole last paragraph is just an aside to what was a choice I made and am proud of and patting myself on the back for doing.  Yay me.  As I said to my brother "I socialed!"  Right on.

Well Isn't That Funny

In some kind of ironic type situation..... the temperatures dropped just enough this weekend that I needed to put one of my winter blankets back on.

Mind you, my windows are still wide open (unheard of for this time of year) so it wasn't a major cool down.  

And then the next night I put a SECOND winter blanket back on (but then threw it off again at some point) so maybe February will give us the chillier nights we haven't yet had this winter.  Or not... we'll see.

Well That Helped

So last night I fell asleep actually feeling a little bit cold for a change, so yeah that fleece blanket I put over my sheet but under the comforter is *really* warm (I took it off yesterday, right?)

I will keep it off (until/if a freeze happens) but I might put another one back on my bed on TOP of the comforter.  But it was nice to be falling asleep and not being "too warm".... you know, in WINTER!

You Guys?

I now have all of my winter warmth blankets off my bed (but not put fully away).

This is bizarrely warm.  I know it's in part someone from the company that manages our building's heating adjusted something a while back that made a HUGE difference, but it's also just that it's been such a warm winter (for the most part).   

I fell asleep with just a sheet over me last night.  That's usually not something I do until the middle of summer.

Maybe the building's warmth is having more of an effect than I know?  (I don't have heat on in my bedroom but it doesn't mean the people above/below me don't....)

But yeah, falling asleep (still a little too warm) last night and thinking to myself "it's February!" was the straw that had me remove the last of my extra blankets this morning. 

Oh And?

Oh and that same book I mentioned yesterday?  I'm really enjoying it and it's a Canadian author and set on the mainland which is really neat because she'll mention a location and my brain goes "I know where that is!" or "I know what she's implying by bringing up *that* neighbourhood!" but the other night one of the characters chose to walk home "even though it was a couple of miles" and I had to stop reading.

This is a CANADIAN book.  By a CANADIAN author (I double checked the next day) and so seeing "miles" when we don't use miles, like ever, really took me out of the story.  It's not mentioned that perhaps that character is from the States or anything like that and so I'm really not sure why that term was used.  Even if it's easier to write... it's not a unit of measurement we use.  

It really jarred my brain, which is funny because had the setting been in "not Canada" I likely wouldn't even have noticed.  

Go figure eh? 

Well I Wouldn't Kick Him Out Of Bed For Eating Crackers

I came across the phrase "I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers" in a book I'm reading.... while I was in bed.  And honestly, I had to think about it.

I mean I've for sure said this at some point or another (in a joking manner as it's meant to suggest someone is very attractive and so could get away with this thing) but you know what?  I don't, in reality, know that I would put up with someone eating crackers in a bed we were sharing!

Like one time a few months ago I had been eating something before bed (a while before bed) and hadn't noticed that a crumb or two had slipped unseen onto my chest under whatever I was wearing and so when I got into bed (and stripped down) those crumbs made their way from my cleavage/chest to the sheets.

And then didn't let me sleep (a la "Princess and the Pea") until I had turned the light back on, pulled the blankets back and swept the sheets to get rid of the super annoying tiny little crumb.

So I mean it's maybe a fun sort of thing to say but the truth of it, for me, is if you're eating in bed?  I'm not going to be happy.  And if you get crumbs in the bed?  I will be mad.  And have to clean it.  And if you did it repeatedly?  I might actually kick you out of bed!  I'm just saying!  My sleep is important and my body is super picky about smoothness and crumbs are not that.

Besides, what made him think it was a good idea to have crackers as a snack in a bed anyway!?

So I think I might actually kick him out of bed for even attempting to eat crackers.  

 

*But the spirit of the saying is still there ;)  

A New Month

I like January.  I have a birthday in January.  Plus when I was a kid it would always snow on my birthday in January.  Snow when you're a kid is awesome because you don't have to worry about things like driving or getting to work or groceries, you just get to play in the snow and enjoy it.  Plus January is a new start, if you need it or want it.  I like January.

Last January was rough.  I woke up on my birthday with what we figure was bronchitis.  It was awful.  I really tried to not have that repeat this year.  (Success!)  I washed my hands more, and better (I literally watched a video on how to properly wash your hands a few months ago) and I took Cold-FX preventative and I tried to eat well and hydrate.  I'm half sure I'm fighting something.  But also my body doesn't stay chill when I'm stressed and I'm stressed.

This year, January was rough again.  Thankfully not for illness reasons, but for interpersonal relationship reasons. There were some family based stressed last year and this year was the same but for very different reasons.  I'm hopeful the information that I gathered last week (or so) will bring positive change for and to my family but holy shit was that ever a lot to process and deal with.  (Nothing bad, just someone with some information that makes a lot click into place but that also needs some getting used to.... and no, it's not a "coming out of a closet" kind of thing... not that that would have been a problem if it was.)  And while things were overwhelming and TOO MUCH to deal with, I didn't have Jason there to talk to and vent to and lean on and discuss and dissect it all with.  That's a missing for me.  Eleven years of having him to bounce my life off of (it's how I process a lot... talking it through with someone I trust) and now it's not there.  Sure I told him.  And he listened but it's not the same.  We're not close right now.  (I don't know if we ever will be again.... but we're not right now and I hate it.)

Oh and did I mention that I can't seem to rip myself away from the absolutely awful things that are happening just to the south of me/us?  Yeah, that too.... It sure doesn't help.

I'm bummed that the last couple of Januaries weren't..... easy.   Especially what with it being my *special* month. 

But we go onwards.  The calendar flips over.  Sunrise and sunset are stretching out away from each other.  We made it through the darkest weeks.  It's been a mild winter so far, which is disconcerting and abnormal, but February might give us a run for our money... we'll see (but I'm not banking on it).  I might even take off some more layers of my bed.  I already have the top two warm layers put aside but it's been 22 in my bedroom the last few nights which is warm, for me.  It's all odd.  

And odd unsettles me.  Or doesn't let me settle, or something.  

I cancelled a social invite this weekend.  Asked for a raincheck.  Just don't have it in me.  

I didn't go on my usual Saturday errand walk.  I let myself stay home and not do much. 

I kept up with the things I *had* to this last week.  I ate the frozen meals I keep on hand for this kind of a week.  But I also cooked a batch of a pasta dish and ate it three days in a row so cooking was a success I felt pleased about.  Like, happy I pulled enough energy together to manage that.

My sleep isn't deep but I'm happy to be getting some. I'm doing the best I can with what I have with everything that's going on right now.

So here's to February and whatever it might bring in terms of mental/emotional settling or processing, or snow/cold weather or whatever's coming. 

February's a weird one.  It can be SO cold.  But March and spring is *right* there.

January was long, but it's also so quickly over.  The last week and a half of it went on for a very long time for me.  (And yes, I've already seen Cadbury's creme eggs out and about.) 

But They're So Happy

A winter storm hit much of the United States (and parts of Canada although maybe not the same storm, I didn't really look into it) last week and people were posting the fun/cute/silly videos of their winter-type dogs who did NOT want to come in from the freezing cold and snow.

What I found myself thinking as these dogs clearly revel in the temperatures they are built for.... are they then not miserable the rest of the time?

Like are these dogs spending their lives overheated or too warm and these rare snowstorms are the first time they feel comfortable and normal?

Or am I overthinking it and it's just novel for them.

Or maybe a bit of both.

I just... this is the first time it's made me kind of sad to think about these animals being so happy in the cold and snow therefore maybe being less happy the rest of the time. 

Wishing For A Normal

It's taken me a while to put together the words that *maybe* describe how I feel but here goes.....

I am struggling with a lot of "lack of normal" in my life right now.

Things with Jason aren't how they have been for a decade.  They're not normal or comfortable or usual.  This is an awful lot to deal with.

Things in the outside world aren't how they were for most of my adult life.  They're horrific and not comfortable and scary and I'm in a constant state of bracing for worse.  *This* is an awful lot to deal with.

Stuff happened in my family last week, and it's positive (I feel) and I'm happy about it but it's a big shift (not sure if/when I'll talk about it) but it's not normal or comfortable or what I've known all my life and this is an AWFUL lot to deal with.

There's not a lot of normal/regular I can sort of sink into right now, and I need that grounding sort of feeling.

I can distract for a while with "normal" things (work, groceries, exercise, shows) and that's good but the rest is hovering in the background just... there.  Waiting for me to slip up in my distraction attempts.

So yeah, there isn't a lot I can ground myself with right now because this is a lot of change and a lot of new and a lot of not good/not comfortable/not ok.

"This too shall pass" they say and I'm sure things will eventually settle for me in one or two of those areas but wow, sometimes I really do understand why people "numb out" with substances.  Life can really be unsettling and a lot, eh? 

Notes

Things are SO heavy right now.  Sure, in my personal world, but also in the larger outside world (I'm looking at you most of all 'Merica) and I wanted to sort of not get into all of that so I picked up my "potential blog posts" sticky note to see if something there wanted to be told and um, I wonder what I meant by *protein "gospel".

Because I can guess at what I was maybe going to talk about with regards to protein (getting more of it in my day to day) but "gospel"?  Like, why is it in quotations?  Did I mean the people who are pushing protein into all the foods these days?  Or how protein seems really popular right now?  Did I at some point find someone like talking as if they were selling a gospel about protein?  I don't know!!!!

The notes make sense to me at the time, absolutely.  But clearly after a while whatever I was thinking slips from my mind and leaves me scratching my head.... protein "gospel"... hmmmm....

So, yeah, I picked up the sticky and then put it back down because the only things I felt like I wanted to talk about where that and "oven mess" which... maybe later.  (It was important at the time, clearly!) 

When Talking About The Weather Isn't Small Talk

The weather last week was gorgeous.

It was delightfully bright and sunny and there wasn't much of a wind (if any) which meant that while it was chilly (and cold at night) the days were amazing.  I still bundled up to go outside mind you but I really noticed that having that bright sun all day did help my mood.

There's just something great about looking (or being) outside and seeing brightness.  It feels lively.  And for me (you know how I am) not having to deal with heat and overheating while getting sun is AWESOME!

So yeah, the weather (which will change this week to rainy and overcast again) this last week made a difference, I think, for me and I'm very grateful for that.

Yay winter sun!  You rule!  

Oh and I was talking to someone who is new to Canada and they mentioned how odd everything looked in the morning when all white and crispy! (Covered in frost) So that was a cool reminder, to see it through the eyes of someone who'd not seen frost before.  

And double oh, *knock on wood* but my current winter blanket set up at night has been keeping up with these cold but not OMG COLD nights, yay! 

Twenty Twenty Twenty Four Hours To Go

I don't know if other operating systems do this but Apple has a feature where you can have it tell you how much time to spent on your device(s) in the previous week.

I get my updates on Sunday morning and am usually quite chagrined at how much time I'm spending on my laptop/phone.

But yesterday, the notification told me that my screen time last week was "up" and that my screen time last week had been 24 hours each day.  

Which?  Um... no.

I mean yes, I feel I am on my devices too much, but I am absolutely not on them 24 hours a day!  I mean...no.  It was quite a funny surprise to see actually because it then made me realize that the screen time notifications I've been receiving may not be as accurate as I assumed.  

Which made me wonder what is maybe running in the background convincing my laptop it's being used when it's not.

I don't shut my laptop (my last laptop had issues after a few years because of being open and shut so I'm a little paranoid about it and just either let it or put it to sleep when I'm not using it) when I'm done with it and this must be allowing something to run in the background.

I did just poke around in "Screen Time" and the numbers I'm getting from the browser I use are actually more hours of "usage" than there are literal hours in a day so yeah something's fucky.

I don't love closing my browser completely as it then forces me to re sign in to ALLLL the things so I'll maybe take a look and see if I can find a fix for that but yeah, I promise I'm not on my laptop or phone 24/7, you know?  Heh.  (And no I don't sleep with any devices so it's not that either.  Everybody stays in the other room when I go to bed.) 

That's a Nope

Sometimes (like last night) my body "refuses" to swallow a pill/vitamin.

The relevant background info is that I can NOT swallow a pill just with water, never have been able to, have tried all the tricks and suggestions, so I have to chew up some food (and not all food works, so bread is the "best" chance) and stick the vitamin/pill into the food and then not think about it and swallow the food lump and vitamin/pill with it.

But!  Sometimes I just can't get it down, even when all the other vitamins went down one just won't.  Over the years I've come to accept (or believe?) that that's my body saying I don't need/want any of that right now.  So I'm trusting my body's wisdom when it is impossible to swallow a vitamin pill.  

All this to say, last night I didn't take my magnesium pill and that's just that.  (I tried.... it was a nope) 

Some Processing I Guess

I had a not great dream that my alarm woke me up from this morning.  Which (the alarm going off) kind of made things worse.

So this was a morning dream and in it I had reconnected with my high school person.  He was kind of a crush but also not but we were close in the way teenagers can be (through phone calls late into the night and such) and I probably kind of liked him but we were both shy and so nothing happened.  We've reconnected a few times over the years via email or text or whatever but I haven't seen him since we were teens.  

Well he showed up on my dream last night.  We connected and reconnected and it was romantic (not just platonic) and felt SO so good and right and amazing.  This part of the dream was great.  Then there was another woman there?  (No idea how or why of course, it's a dream after all!) and to me it felt like they were maybe flirting?  And this made me really uncomfortable.... and then he offered to walk her out and I just knew something was going to happen (a kiss) and so I was SO hurt and devastated and before he could come back inside and before I could ask him if a kiss had happened and get some resolution about how uncool that had been and I was probably going to move on from him and us, my alarm went off.

So I never got the resolution I might have had the dream continued.  Sigh.

I still woke up hurt and sad and broken hearted and we can probably guess that this isn't *technically* about him but still.... it was nice to have the happy for a while I guess....? 

A Semi Redacted Summary Of Sorts. Kinda.

A couple of years ago Jason got a job in his field of work (after a long time of being underemployed) in a location that unfortunately exposed him to a lot of trauma and hard stuff that got to him.  He also went through an inordinate amount of personal loss and these things combined and sort of ganged up on him and his mental health got worse and worse until he and his doctor (mainly his doctor TBH) decided he wasn't able to continue on and pulled him from work.

(This is similar to what happened with me but for different (?) reasons in a different field of work.)

This whole situation was hard on our friendship because the friend I'd come to know, and more importantly RELY on for the last 8 or 9 years was no longer quite there.  I mean sure in body, but in spirit, soul, energy and mind?  No.

As hard as this was on him, this is my space and so my focus will be on how this was hard on me.  (Sorry that that feels selfish... as my mother might say blogging and social media is inherently self centered... so... here we are.)

He and I talked quite openly and honestly about how his mental state would impact his ability to "be there" for me but he said he'd try and I said I understood and would try to lean less heavily on him and take more care of myself as best I could.

Things did not improve.  He kept losing friends and loved ones.  I kept trying to reduce the amount of support I asked for.  But it's not as if I was magically feeling delightfully better.

There are no set dates but close to a year ago I started sort of pulling back for my own sake.  Rather than us FOR SURE seeing each other on my Friday (my last day of work for my part time work right now) there would be weeks where I didn't feel like it so we'd adjust or not see each other that week at all.  (Which means a change in my eating and feeding myself - not having a home cooked meal and leftovers from him at least once a week.)

In the last few months it feels like the state of the world has impacted him in some severely negative ways (I won't get into the why but there are reasons why) and he's been more and more negative to be around, which I can't handle very often.

For months now I've been unable to rely on him for much of anything.  I don't have him to call and talk to when I"m struggling.  This has been a huge change and loss for me.  Huge.  I can't overstate that.

And since the issue at the start of December, we haven't spent hardly any time together and only seem to talk when he's had a few drinks and needs to vent.  And I've had to put up boundaries around that (that he sometimes ignores and I then have to reinforce) because I'm struggling myself and can't handle the venting and the way he vents as it sets me off and triggers huge anxiety for me.

So December was awful for us, or for me I guess.... and we had just started to sort of find a peace again and we hung out for a bit on Christmas day but then his friend ended his life and Jason has not been anywhere near ok since then.  In sometimes frightening to me ways.

I've talked with counsellors about what's going on but it's not helping and often upsets me more than helps in any way.  I know I can't *fix* him and that's a good thing and I'm not really even trying.  I have tried to support him as I could, like making sure he's eating and I've popped in from time to time to say hi but not hang out and I'm doing my best to trust his health care team but I am S T R U G G L I N G with the change and the shift and the total loss of my friend that I've had and relied on (even if imperfect and hard at times) for more than ten years. 

I don't know where things will land.  I have worries.  Large worries.  A counsellor said it sounded like I felt my life feels like a "chinese finger trap" right now and I guess that's accurate.  I really feel stuck.  I can't comfortably completely pretend Jason doesn't exist right now.  But having him in my life right now is pretty awful.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this as Jason is the person I've talked to about ALL the things for a long while now.  I can't handle the sort of normal-world judgment I know most will have if I attempt to explain the ins and outs of things and I know that when I'm in a very bad spot and/or a panic that I just am desperate for help but then if I talk to someone at that time, once I calm down a bit I'll regret the things that I said and so I... don't.  There isn't anyone to talk to about this.  Not like I'd talk to Jason about it were he ok/himself.

I do have an online friend (through the Burning Man community) who has been very helpful and talked me down a good few times but man I feel bad about that and so don't want to be a burden but she assures me it's not and I'm not.  But also I know I need to get through the anxiety and stress myself and to grow from this.... whatever this is.

I am also working at sort of... extracting my things and stuff that are wrapped up in Jason and his place (I have no storage at my place so some of my stuff is there and it stresses me greatly to think about dealing with that... as an example.)

I've never been married, but I'm imagining that this is how awful divorce must feel for people.  You're losing your person.  Your go to.  And your lives are intertwined financially and physically and so there's so much loss and change and work there too.

I know I didn't lose someone the same way Jason did but I have absolutely lost here.  This intense friendship isn't there anymore.  I'm not sure it will recover.  But even if it does I need to make changes so that I'm not this devastated by all the things he may or may not go through.  

I don't know.  I don't feel like I'm being clear.  (And I've been interrupted by two phone calls while typing this so I keep losing my overall train of thought.)  

TL;DR - I'm not ok and I don't have my friend around anymore who has helped me all the other times I've not been ok and it's really not ok and I"m struggling.  

Ewww... Ohh?

So you probably know that I have a mild amount of tolerance for spiders in my place.

And you've probably heard my stories about spiders who cross over my personal boundaries and are then escorted elsewhere (but kept alive.)

Other than occasionally getting annoyed at webby type messes I have to clean up in places I don't see that often (behind things, around the back of things... wait, that ended up being the same thing which isn't what I meant) as long as you're not in my face or in my "nope" spaces, you're fine and I'm not annoyed (if a little wary.)

Well last week something happened or I *think* it happened anyway.  This apartment building has silverfish (most if not all do around here) and I do not like them. They are not something I co-habit willingly with but I know they're around and I know there could be more (thanks spiders in part I think?) 

I was wandering towards my bathroom when I noticed something on my (pale cream) wall.  I looked at it before immediately wiping it away as I was curious if it was a silverfish that needed squished but when I got close (but not TOO close) it looked like it was a silverfish but *off* of the wall as if it had been caught in some webbing (that I was unable to see) and so I left it there, quite proud of whichever spider pal laid the trap that caught the icky thing.

The next day I looked in the same spot to see if the thing was still there and it wasn't, but there WAS something else close to it... hmmm.... I bend down to take a look and what I THINK I saw was a now mummified silverfish waiting to be eaten by whichever spider wrapped it.  GAH.

I was admittedly uncomfortable with this but also wanted to encourage, you know... life and nature, and also yes please do keep on eating silverfish but also I... uh, didn't like seeing this... thing (and thinking about the death and gah and eating and ahhh!)

I left it for as long as I could (most of the day) and then eventually was like "you know what, I don't want to keep staring at this dead body so I think I'm going to remove it, sorry spider bro/ette" and so I got a piece of paper and as I approached the thing I wondered if maybe it was just a speck of dust and not a mummified bug but I was kind of weirded and grossed out anyway so without really looking I took it off the wall and put the paper and item into the trash.

So now I'm not sure if I saw a mummified silverfish at all but I'm pretty sure there was one caught the day before so I don't not know.

But yeah... I hope that the spiders that are hanging around are nomming on the dudes that I don't like and don't want in my place.

But also I don't want to think about it too too much so yeah.  There you go.