A Balm

Back in Novemeber, I started having an issue with dry lips.

I had tried a new (Canadian) lip gloss and so assumed my lips didn't like the change, and went back to my trusted usual.

It didn't help/fix it.

So I tried a WHOLE BUNCH of other lip balms.  Because it turns out when you mention to someone that your lips are dry they will tell you the lip balm they SWEAR by.

But nothing helped or made a difference.  At some point I slathered on some Vaseline and that was the ONLY thing that made any difference or gave me any relief at all so Vaseline it was.  This made me feel like I looked like an idiot because I was also smearing it *around* my lips for the relief.

I wondered if it was the chlorine in the air from the pool.  I put it on before water classes.  I even slathered some on my upper chest to use mid class when needed.  It was brutal, the feeling.

The pool was closed for a bit in December and I'd hoped that I would get a clear indication if it was from the pool but nothing changed.  Ugh.  (But also good I guess as it meant I didn't have to quit?)

One day in December, I woke up with some sort of a like bite mark on one cheek and a redness that didn't feel good on that whole side of my face.  I was worried I had been bitten and then worried I had shingles (even though I've been vaccinated, you can still get it) and I put some stuff on it that I have and it was fine the next morning but still a bit red and I was just happy it went away.  I still suspected the chlorine.  Like some kind of build up over a year and a half.... or something?

I had a dentist appointment.  I mentioned the dry lips.  They looked at this and that and asked some questions and said that I wasn't actually showing any signs of dryness at all.   Not in my mouth, gums or even the lips.  Talk to your doctor, they suggested.

So I did.

The doctor also didn't think things looked dry and so I started looking at my lips directly and sure enough they didn't seem to be actually getting dry.  Doctor recommended I try B vitamins.  I can't take B12 orally so I scoured the internet and imported some B vitamins that had no B12.  Nothing changed. 

Sigh.

Vaseline is now in my purse, in my car, in my space at work, next to my couch.  It's the only thing that gives me any relief at all, even if I'm slathering it on, feeling like an idiot, all throughout the day.

Last month I had a pre-set dermatologist appointment to check for suspicious moles.  I mentioned the lip issue and that the doctor and dentist both said it wasn't the lips/gums/mouth.

Dermatologist took a look and ruled out something and something else and then threw a diagnosis of "it must be rosacea because your cheeks are a little pink" and that was that.  And then went on to check my body for "bad" moles.  (And found none, always a good thing.)

So I guess I maybe have rosacea?  

I've noticed my cheeks flushing at night.  I think this is hormones in action.

And other than the sensation of "dry lips", I have no other complaints about my skin.  Other than all of my life I've gotten some sort of "itchy" feeling next to my "nose creases" (for lack of a better term.)

My pharmacist called me and said that my benefits plan won't cover the recommended prescription cream and so I saw my doctor and had a different thing prescribed but I just don't know.

I used this (topical antibiotic!!!!) for two weeks with no real improvement (that I noticed) and then switched to the pricy initial cream and while the itchy nose thing maybe is better (it's not constant so hard to judge) I'm still slathering on Vaseline throughout my day. Maybe a little less?  But I don't know.

I've done some learning and reading about rosacea and gotten scared by it.... I also learned, almost accidentally - by complaining about the "that felt too half assed" of a diagnoses that both my Dad and one of my brothers have also been diagnosed with rosacea (which makes it really a lot more likely that I have it... damn.) and it's one of those things were they "don't really know" the cause, but do know the triggers (and y'all I'm fine with no red wine or alcohol and I don't do much sun anyway and will just wear hats when I normally wouldn't bother and there are a few other things I should consider) but like if I *do* have this condition, it's really early or I'm not dealing with much of it at all but I still don't know.

I may ask my doctor for a referral to someone else for a second opinion or for a re-referral for a follow up I don't know.

I bought some specific skin care things to try but don't want to introduce too many changes to my skin in one go so I'm holding off on using them for a while.

So it's been a few weeks of trying things and not being sure if they're helping.  (In fact the main cream makes me red in the face but also I use it in the evenings when I've been getting red in the face anyway so who knows?)

I'd like to not have to spend the rest of my life slathering Vaseline on my face.... 

And I'd like the pimples (?????) to not be there for whatever reason they decided to show up but like why is everything feeling like a lot right now?

Is this part of aging?  Or just my luck?  And how do I confirm or deny this diagnosis that legit felt like it was haphazardly thrown at me without much care and no follow up, and not at all what I went in for, but just something I mentioned while I was there.

Whatever it is or isn't, I'm pretty over it and would like to go back to, like October, when it wasn't an issue at all.

One of those "you don't know what you've got til it's gone" type of things, eh?

Oh, and my doctor also referred me to an "oral pathologist" in case it's some kind of... weird mouth thing, but that's not covered by MSP or my benefits so I'm still thinking on is that a $700 plus dollar visit I want to take? 

You Know

After writing that yesterday I just got so angry and mad at myself.

Because it's unlikely I have ADHD what with no childhood symptoms (that I know of or that anyone would likely report were I to ask them) so that turned into me berating myself for all the things I struggle to do or don't do or avoid doing or put off on doing because in my brain that then means that "I just suck." 

Because in a black and white way (which anxiety loves to do for me) if these "failings" are due to something that can be fixed with a medication then yay everything will improve! But since they're unlikely to be due to that, it just means I'm not a good enough, strong enough, focussed enough, determined enough person and that sucks to think.

So either way, I guess I have lots to talk about when I see my counsellor next, eh? 

Attention Lack

I don't know how to talk about this so I'm just going to talk about it.

Last weekend, a female friend and I met for lunch at our favourite lunch place.  This friend has just started taking a medication for ADHD.  Something we have always half joked about, in part because she struggles to do nothing on days off, whereas I'm fine to just sit and zone out to shows all damn day (even if I don't love that I do that.)  

When the two of us are together it's a lot of pinging around conversationally.  We joke that we're both easily distracted OOH SQUIRREL! kind of thing.

But this time, *I* was the one pinging around.  She wasn't.  She was calm and focussed and still herself but.... more.... there?

It was almost a little lonely for me.  And as lunch went on, I started to really notice my focus.  Or lack thereof.  How often I interrupted myself.  How I constantly lost trains of thought.  And was distracted by the person next to us or this noise or that.  She wasn't.

We've always been very similar when we're together in terms of energy and being a little all over the place.  This time was a night and day difference and left me feeling a little bit concerned for my own lack of attention.

My friend spoke very highly of how calm and focussed she felt (not quite the words she used but close enough) and how much easier things were.  And many of the things she mentioned no longer being there for her I've always clocked in my brain and body as symptoms of anxiety.

So of course now I'm wondering.

I did some online tests and quizzes the next day.  Some of them came back with a "no, you're not ADHD"..... I don't have the hyperactive body stuff at all....*she says while considering the heavy depression that has grounded her body for a long time* and have no recollection of being told to sit still or talk less as a child and my grades were fine and just like no indication that this is something that has been an issue "all of my life" kind of thing. 

But other tests came back as indicating that yes I may have some ADHD.  Some pretty intense inattentiveness.  It makes me wonder how many things that I *can't* do aren't because I'm anxious or depressed but because my brain is like LALALALALALALALALALALAAAAA.  I don't know.

I'm clearly not an expert.  Nor do I want meds/drugs in my system unnecessarily and maybe I'm just thinking this because of the visible, noticeable change in my friend and the positive changes she's mentioned.

Might I talk to my counsellor about this next time?  Maybe?  Might I do seventeen more quizzes?  Maybe?  And fail half of them making me question everything.  Especially since my friend says when she does the quizzes they come back like "oh yeah, for SURE".

Maybe it's hormone changes.  Maybe it's anxiety.  Maybe it's a whole lot of other things.  

And maybe if I talk to my doctor she'll brush me right off, I don't know.

But this isn't something I've ever thought of for or about myself ever before, but going over the tests and some of the pointed questions I'm now kind of like. hmmmm.....

Or maybe I just ruined my own attention span with years of avoiding my thoughts by scrolling and watching and tuning out.  I don't know.

But this is probably why we have experts.  People who actually know things and can make more educated decisions than an online quiz.

I just don't know if I want to go there, and more than that, just because my friend is being helped by this, doesn't mean I'm the same.  I might just be how I am.... just because. 

End of March

Well here we are at the end of March.  

It's funny if you say it too many times.... end of March, end of March, end of March.....

I may be one of the few people around who have been oh so very happy with the chilly temperatures we had this month.  A delight for me to have a spring month of cool.  Even though it's not unusual (I remember snow on the ground one of my first few Easters living here) I still am relishing in feeling chilly, especially at night, you know?

The last two weeks were a lot for me, and coupling that with the closure of my pool, my body is *hurting*.  Mainly my upper shoulder/back area, if anyone besides me is keeping score!

I still did move every day, walking, walks, but that's not the same as three plus days of a 50 minute exercise class apparently.

I know others from my pool class went to different places for classes and I did look into things but they all seemed like a bit too much (considering what was going on personally) to take on, or maybe that's just the excuse I'm giving myself?  But legit, the timing of the water fitness classes didn't work for me on the days I felt up to trying an entirely new pool and place and parking and payment and although that's a lot of "letter p" words they're all reasons my brain balked.

So I didn't.

And I'm feeling it.  Which I figured I would.  And I suspect the high stress didn't help things either.

When I noticed it was impacting my sleep (by me worrying that I was lying "too much" on my side and so like forcing myself to roll over, thereby not really sleeping all that deeply) on Saturday night, I did do a yoga for shoulders and yoga for back pain video and I think that helped loosen things up a little.

I have a massage booked for this week and that will help and it's been cool enough that a hot water bottle on the area isn't just helpful it's also welcome, but yeah, aging bodies are no joke.  Which is likely why all the older gals from the aquafit classes made sure they got to alternate classes.... they know.... 

Out Of Steam

Yeah so I kind of ran out of steam there after a few posts about whatever.

The weekend drained me for sure and I also pushed my comfort zone and did a social thing (again) a couple of evenings ago and I have the tired grumps I guess?

Yay? 

Good For Me!

I'm really quite proud of myself for going to meet people for coffee last week (and one time before that).

I don't drink coffee, but that's not the point, that's what this sort of meet up is called, you know?  "Hey, want to get together for coffee." meaning a sort of short social chat over a non alcoholic drink, during the day usually.  Right?  Right.  

So at some point I learned that some of the water fitness folks would meet up after class for a coffee.

At some later point, some of them started to invite me.  I mostly had appointments or something that meant I wasn't able to but I also had a lot of social anxiety around it and so didn't.

But then the pool let us know it would be closing and people in class started moving on and not coming to class anymore and then one day, one of the ladies that I really like was in the lobby of the pool waiting on folks and saw me and said I should come (I couldn't that day) but she took my email and invited me to the next one.

I asked my class buddy if she'd go with (easier for me that way) and we went after class the next time and it was pleasant.

It took some extra thinking/planning for me as I chose to leave my gear in the locker and go to the coffee place and then back to the pool and THEN home (they're all within walking distance for me) but I knew that was going to happen in advance so I had it pre planned in my mind and the friend and I walked there and yeah it was nice.

So last week when the invite went out again (they meet a couple of times a month) I wasn't sure I could manage it (anxiety wise) and my buddy was out of town so I didn't commit to going, but on the day I felt up for it and even though I was nervous (which is less intense than anxious) I got dressed, grabbed my brolly and headed out the door.  I was really proud of myself as I did that!  I was nervous/anxious on the walk, but somehow it's slightly less intimidating with these people.  And I've been thinking about that.

I didn't know all of them that first time, but was introduced.  And it's not always the same people, but they all have the pool fitness class in common.  And I'm not sure that it matters, but they are all older than me. (By quite a lot.  I think the youngest are a decade or more over my age?)  Maybe that does matter?  Maybe there's less of a sense of needing to impress or something?  They're not co-workers, or anyone that might have expectation of me.  I don't know why I'm not stressed by going and chatting about whatever with these folks.  Maybe because I've been doing that before class for a couple of years so I'm used to it?

But the point of this is that I'm proud of myself for going and not avoiding like I've done with a lot of things over the years since anxiety became a thing in my life.  I'm proud of me for pushing outside that comfort zone and I'm glad to have been wanted and invited too, you know?

So *pat on the back* good for me doing a thing I'd likely not have done a handful of years ago.  Yay! 

Oh and it's also new (?) for me to actively congratulate myself and recognize I'm doing something new so I'm happy that I had the thought "I'm proud of myself right now."

Oh Wait!

Oh, right, the bladder thing..... (maybe in case anyone has to do it at some point.)

On a normal day I try to get through my 1L bottle of water.  Some days are easier than others, but for a while now I've managed to make sure I get through at least that.  I know it might be better (?) to have more but I'm working with what I can manage now, you know?

So I always have my Nalgene with me (recently I got new ones just in case the old ones were getting worn out and stuff) and so on Friday morning I just made sure I was thinking extra about getting through it.

My appointment was in the afternoon and so I had a note to myself to stop peeing an hour before the appointment.  I figured this would be enough time to have a full bladder....?

But seven minutes AFTER that "one hour before" time I really really had to go and knew I wouldn't make it to the appointment so I went pee, and then felt like I had peed illegally!  And I did worry a little that I'd screwed things up but it's not like I hadn't been drinking all morning and I didn't stop drinking at that point either. 

By this time I'd gotten through my litre and was working on "bonus" water.

But I was still a little worried about that last pee.

But as I got closer to the time I was getting ready to leave, my bladder was NOT empty. 

On the drive to the place (maybe 15 minutes away?) I started to get a little concerned.  Was my bladder too full?  Was this going to be rough?  Oh no, what if they were late?  UH OH!

But I wasn't desperate, just, more uncomfortable than I like to be, especially when driving/leaving the house!

When I arrived, they asked if my bladder was full and I was like YES I'M A LITTLE WORRIED and she just smiled and said "hold it" (I mean I bet 90% of people there for a bladder ultrasound say something similar right?) and so I sat and waited and tried not to think about it, but the irony is that when you're trying not to think about something it can almost be worse?

Thankfully the technician was right on time and I just had to kind of focus on being ok while she was ultrasounding and it wasn't too awful and she did say "your bladder is very full" so I feel like I did a good job and my "illegal pee" wasn't illegal after all! PHEW!

So yeah, all this to say that you don't have to (not that I'm a doctor) be full to bursting (I read online that you can actually apparently be "too full"?) just, I'd say "uncomfortably full" or more full than you'd like to be... if that makes sense.

And now that I've written an entire post about peeing and not peeing I'll go feel weird about having talked about it at all.  YAY BODIES!  WE ALL HAVE EM!  

 

Holy Crap

Well, yeah, I need a week off after my "week off".  Jeez.

The stuff that's being going in with my brothers and I lead me to cancel the weekend meetup which then ironically would have been cancelled anyway/naturally due to my Dad going to the ER for some heart/lung testing that took all all day Friday and all of the emotional and family stress and anxiety and emotional labour around that.

Dad's fine.  I mean not like super duper perfectly healthy (is anyone?) but his cardiologist is on holiday (BOO) and so that clinic sent him to the ER and no I'm not wanting to or meaning to complain about the medical health care system just that it was a very very long day for everyone and even knowing he wasn't there for an emergency (sucks that's where he was sent but also is what it is) I worried a lot about his age and not getting a nap or resting or eating or whatever.  He later told me that there were like very nice helper people who came around and offered like phone chargers and cookies and water so I feel better knowing that but still.... not an ideal way for anyone to spend their day right?

And there's something inherently scary about someone you love being in the ER because going to the ER is never a good thing.   And my brothers and I were communicating all day and not really knowing what was going on and of course my Mom was stressed and worried so I was trying to be helpful there and making sure we all ate (myself included) and all of this was AFTER I had gone with a full bladder to get that bladder ultrasound and then been oh so very happy to finally empty that bladder once I was allowed yay!

So while my Dad's results were inconclusive for what's going on and so he needs some more testing (where is that going to happen, I don't know!) I'm a bit of a mess.

When I finally got home that evening (picked Dad up from the ER just after 8pm.... a 12 hour day for us all, but most of all for him....) my body felt sore, like I'd done a big workout.  And then in bed that night I could NOT get warm.  I actually had to go get a hot water bottle to try to warm me up, yes even with the windows closed and ALLLLLLLLL the blankets on.  It was wild.  And I'm a few days later and still not feeling quite myself or settled.... It's been a lot.

And I don't know how relative this is but my gym has also closed so maybe that's partly why my body is extra stressed and sore?  I'm not giving it what it's used to getting?  I dunno.  Just that that was a lot and I'm feeling drained and upset and tired. 

Was this too personal?  Sharing too much?  Maybe.  But I'm also exhausted and hoping that typing this out might help get it out of my mind....

For The Best

Today I'm going for a bladder ultrasound.

I'm to arrive with a full bladder, which I think is going to be really not fun, especially as I always pee before I leave the house!  But I can't this time and that's going to be weird.  I mean I guess I could leave an hour and a half early and sit there and drink the suggested amount (I'm to drink 3 cups an hour before) but I also think I'd rather be home on my couch chilling for that, so yeah I'll have to NOT do what I ALWAYS do and that's.... weird.

My understanding is that the ultrasound will be done twice.  Once on that full bladder (agh) and then once after I've emptied it to see if it's like for real emptied or what.

So I'm nervous and anxious about it all and how it might feel and the discomfort I might feel but it's diagnostic and so for the best and like I'm proud of myself for asking for the help and support and holy shit I'm so grateful I have a doctor, like so so grateful, so I know it's for the best but I also hope it goes really easily and isn't too... um.... difficult or awkward! 

Well Yay

Turns out someone else must have called in the "no heat/hot water" issue because my radiator started to feel mildly warm when I was heading to bed and now this morning my place is roasting, so thanks neighbour!  And glad I didn't have to do it myself.

Kind Of Where I'm At

My old(er) building is one of those "free heat and hot water" buildings you see around town which means we have an old(er) boiler system that, well, gives us our heat (radiators) and hot water.

This thing is patchy and when it stops working, for, whatever reason, we (the tenants) have to call/text building management who contacts the service company who comes out and fixes it.

Want to guess why I'm writing this post?

Yeah, because some time yesterday afternoon I noticed my radiator was cool, but I didn't think much of it because it's warm(er) out and the system is controlled in part by the outside heat so no big deal.  Until a few hours later when I went to wash some dishes and, well, that water didn't get hot.  Le sigh.

By the time I realized this it was past the "working hours" of our building manager.  Sigh.

I texted a neighbour to confirm.  Yep, no heat or hot water there either (I mean there's really no way it would be *just* my apartment but I still wanted to check.)

And then?

I did nothing.

I just am not in the mood to deal.

I was warm enough.  I had already showered and washed my hair earlier in the day.  I boiled water to get some warmth on my dishes (it was egg, egg has to come off!) Funnily enough my neighbour also couldn't be bothered to find the "emergency" number (not really an emergency is it?) and call so we both just kind of dealt with the slight chill and inability to properly wash hands and things that like need need hot water.

But yeah, maybe with all the rest going on in my world this week and right now this just was one more thing I didn't feel like dealing with.

And maybe that's kind of weird, I don't know. But we're not the only people who live in this building and SURELY someone else had noticed and why do I have to be the one who does all the things, you know?

But, I bet if I needed a shower I would have made the call, I don't know.  I just find it interesting (interesting enough to post about) that I did not have the energy to bother finding out who to call "after hours" even though last time this happened after hours I did. (And then was told I did it wrong.... so maybe that's part of my frustration as well? Dunno.) 

It's Overwhelming For Me!

Due to the closing of the pool I've been going to and people wanting to maintain contact, I'm now in an email .... thread?  And a group text thing.

I do not like!

I have never been in a group text with so many people (my family is only so big!) and I don't like notifications right now.*

And with the email group, everyone replies all and so I keep getting notifications there too and somehow both of these things stress me out?

I don't really know why they stress me out, to be quite honest, maybe because they're kind of strangers in a way?  I mean I know them but having them in my phone is new. 

But yeah, I'm finding group chain things quite overwhelming right now.

Which is maybe ironic when I think about the fact that work emails go out to ALL OF US and that doesn't stress me.... but then again that's not on my phone.  That's on a dedicated machine that I leave elsewhere.

Le sigh 

 

 

*I actually turned my phone onto grey mode (monochrome, I don't know, but I took away all the colour) for a day to see if that would help with the stress I feel when there's a red NOTIFICATION ..... there are so many red notifications you guys....I've since turned it back but still.....I might go back to it, but then the art and pictures I look at aren't.... much. 

Un-Routined

Not me getting to Monday night and realizing that the closure of my gym/pool and the time change nonsense had completely shattered my usual weekend routines meaning I somehow forgot it was Sunday and therefore forgot to try to write?

But yes me.

Probably also because I have this week off, so while I did set my alarm for Monday morning I also turned it off when it went off and went back to sleep.  Which probably isn't helping me reset to the new times.

We have rain coming this week, most of it to hit places other than directly where I am, but still.   

The temperatures (before the rain and rain clouds wandered in) felt colder than most of winter did which is amusing in its own way.

I have a couple of social things planned this week (maybe three, although I haven't responded to that one yet) and an ultrasound at the end of the week so I'm generally a little more anxious than is ideal.  (But I mean let's be honest, zero anxiety is ideal!)

One is a dinner with former colleagues.  It was lovely to be invited.  I'm anxious and nervous about it.

Another is a meetup with my brothers.  Lots there I haven't talked about (I don't think?) But I'm really nervous about that as it involves the ferry and I haven't done the ferry as a walk on since pre-Covid times.... lots of detail buttons getting pushed anxiety wise.

The other is a potential coffee/tea with some people from the pool.  I went once before and it was nice, but I also went with a friend and she said she wasn't sure she'd go again so I'm not sure if I'll go on my own or what.  Maybe see how I feel on the day?  

It's a lot.  Especially on a week I was meant to book "off".

But also I've wanted to be more social right so.... trade off is more anxiety about it but who knows what may come from it?  I don't know.

This started of as a post of me going "uh oh, forgot to post, my bad!" and here we are. 

Holy Crap

Even while I'm celebrating that last week was our province's final time change, I have still been absolutely knocked out by the time change.

My body just doesn't do that amount of a change.

I know some people are baffled by this because at least one person actually said to me "but it's only an hour?" and yes, it is an hour, not several time zones of travel but that hour is enough to completely eff up my body.  My body is very routine.

My body has a really good sense of when it's time to wake up (even if I "sleep in") and when it's time for bed (even if I can't fall asleep right away) and it knows when it's time to eat and be hungry.  And as I say every damn time we go through this.... EVEN IF I try to adjust to things, my body doesn't care.

So last weekend I went to bed at a decent time.  My body knew that I was in bed "too early" and so I didn't fall asleep.  But when it was the Monday of the time change, I couldn't sleep in so the alarm went off and my body knew it was 5:30am, not my usual time of 6:30am.  But then the next night I was exhausted super early but stayed up til a "normal" bedtime but my body still knew it was too early and like rinse and repeat all damn week.  Add on to that my body not being hungry but it suddenly being the end of my eating day and I have to cram in a whole lot of food I'm not hungry for yet.  And that I guess I forgot to eat earlier because nothing made sense.

I know I know I know that my body will adjust and, again, I 'm SUPER grateful we are not going to time change again but holy crap this is rough.  Or has been rough for me at least.  Even if it's less rough for others.  My body is just not up for the change.

This is not new.  I hope I can settle soon.  But when I didn't *have* to wake up for anything this weekend, I slept "pretty late" (even though by the old time it wasn't).   Le sigh.  I hate this for me.  I'm glad it's over.   

OoOoOOOOooooh!

I just saved myself from NOTHING!!!!

But, it could have been something so I still technically did the right thing.

I was making an online purchase, it got declined.  Annoying.  (I've bought from this place before, but maybe just not this amount?)

As I was logging my information in again I got an email from my credit card company letting me know the transaction had been declined.  Okie dokie.

And then my phone rang.  It was one of those "toll free server" numbers that I usually don't bother answering but for whatever reason I answered it.

The robot call said it was NOT A SCAM CALL which.... suspicious.  But they knew my name.  Hmmm... claimed to be from my credit card company... hmmm.... I pressed a few prompt buttons and then sort of went well shit, if this is a scam they now know I'm home and answering and they know my name.  DAMN.  So I hung up and called my credit card company directly.  (As places say you are supposed to do.) 

When I got through to the service rep I explained that maybe this was a silly question but did they just call me?  She said it wasn't a silly question at all, checked who I am and said yes we did just call regarding that purchase and I was like oh ok and yes that purchase is fine and also I'll try not to freak out if you guys call again (but I probably will, let's be real.)

So yeah, I wasn't saving myself from scammers but I'm still glad I hung up even if I did press a few buttons before I freaked out.  

And no, I guess I'm not really aware of what flags or limits I have on my card which means I'm not sure how to change them but seeing as this has only happened once or twice I'm probably ok to leave things as they are.  Better safe than sorry right?  Or something. 

I Did It!

A couple of months ago my neighbour gave me the cutest little dish cloth she'd knitted.  It was adorable!

It was this little hand sized diamond (square) with a funky pattern around the edges and I was happy that she thought to give it to me. 

She told me it was actually quite a simple pattern and sent that pattern to me and I thought it seemed simple enough even though I have never ever done a knitting pattern before.

I had to ask my Mom and then watch a video on it to explain YO (yarn over) and I have to constantly refer to the pattern.... it involves increasing (adding on more stitches) and then decreasing (taking away stitches) which, for the record I hate decreasing apparently.... but after some restarts because I thought I was completely screwing up (spoiler, I wasn't it just looks nasty at first!) I actually managed to make one myself!  I did it!  My first ever knitting pattern!

It's not as mindless as when I just knit straight of course, I have to actually pay attention to follow the simple pattern but it's been neat to complete something that is a little bit more complex than what I've always done!

So far I've made a large one and now a smaller one and I'm in the process of making two more and I'm also trying to not knit so tightly without really noticing I'm doing it until I start to try to reduce and it's like pulling teeth or some other metaphor that suggests "this is unnecessarily difficult".

So yeah, this is the kind of thing I should put in my happy memory journal eh?  Just realized that as I was typing this out and now I'll go and do just that.  Talk about the happy little diamond dish cloth I managed to make while following a pattern for the first time ever.  YAY! 

A Positive Notebook

Last month I talked about shredding my old journals and how it was bumming me out to lose the positive memories I was noticing as I did so, and that it was upsetting to have forgotten these moments and that now they would be lost to me and my mind forever.

I thought a lot about this.  It was pretty upsetting.  Additionally so due to the hormonal changes I'm working through and how they're shattering my memory in a nasty kind of way.  (Hello perimenopause... sigh.)

The idea I have come up with is to have a separate journal (which I have now bought) to store these happy, good, positive moments in.  It's a little bit of extra work, sure.  And I'll have to sort of actively remind myself to do it.  (Like "oh that was nice, I should write that down in the happy journal") but I'd like to have a collection of memories I can look through of the positive things that happen in my days and my life.

The days I shredded are gone.  And I do kind of regret not finding a way to keep some of those memories but honestly the bad stuff was really troubling and upsetting to read through so I chose to just keep things simple and get the removal done.  An imperfect solution but it cleared that mental space for me. 

I've got a few entries in there already, and I hope I keep it up and keep noticing things that are good and positive in my life and days. 

Another Loss

In addition to the heaviness I'm carrying from the change in the friendship between Jason and I, I am also losing something that has become very dear to me over the last couple of years.

My pool is closing.  It's a long story but the gist of it is that the pool I have been going to for my aquafit classes for the last couple of years is no more as of this week.

I'm heartbroken.

It's not just that this is an exercise that I REALLY enjoy but that it is something I have kept up with, above all other attempts at doing things, very regularly, for a couple of years now.  Maybe I'll be able to transition to something else but this has been special.  And yes, I know I could do it elsewhere, but this pool is a very very convenient and easy location for me.  

A part of it, I realize, is that there was the unexpected community that I discovered over my time taking these classes.

I've never really had that at a fitness class before and I've been thinking about why.  I suspect it has something to do with the fact that you're in the change room with each other before and after class and there is a little bit of time in the water before and after class and so you can chat with someone.  Or give them a smile and a nod.  And I know this is me.  I'm happy to be friendly.  I like seeing these people regularly.  Giving them a wave, having a small chat about whatever.  Sharing the enjoyment of this exercise.  Feeling proud of those I know who are working through an injury or rehabbing after a surgery or just taking care of their bodies in a way that works for them.  

And as much as people are hoping to keep these friendships going it won't be the same.  Maybe there will be a meeting for coffee here or there.  Maybe people will navigate to other locations and see each other there, but this, the way it is right now and has been, that's over. 

It's another huge loss for me (and yes I covered this with my counsellor too) and another reason I am sad.  (And I remind myself that sad is expected, normal, human, and ok.)

I am losing a community.  A several times a week meeting of smiles and hellos and positive, friendly moments. 

I have lost, and am in the process of dealing with the loss of Jason as my person and support system.

Sure, work has community.  But work is work.  (Ick.)  Community outside of work is a thing I got to be part of creating.  That I'm not "forced" to be in (like one is with work.) None of the people at that pool have to be nice to each other (not that you have to be nice to people you work with but it does make the days easier, you know?) but for me it was easy to do that.  Maybe the exercise helped with the good mood, I don't know.  I just know that this is something else I'm losing right now and I'm feeling really sad about it.  

On the last day of the class of the favourite instructor I cried.  Many of us did.  I cried a lot.  On my way there.  At the start of class.  In the middle of class looking around at these familiar faces I'd likely never see again.  At the end of class.  When someone came and gave me a big hug after class.  When I snuck away trying to avoid crying even more after class.  When I got home.  A lot.

And with all that sadness, I didn't have Jason to call and share it with.   

It's a lot of sad.  And I'm wondering what the universe has in store for me to bring all of this empty feeling loss of support and community all at the same time.  A clearing out?  A point of noticing?  I don't know.  I just know I'm sad, and really feeling the "you don't know what you've got til it's gone" of these days.  

 

Sadness

I was talking to my counsellor last week about how sad I am.  I said, partially questioning the "expert" that it wasn't depression, but a very very heavy sadness.  We talked about that and were in agreement.  I am terribly sad.

I feel very very alone.

I know that's not accurate in a visible way (I have people, great people in my life) but I guess I'm realizing how much the loss of Jason as my person and half partner kind of not not partner friend is affecting me.

Jason has been, or was, my go to person for most everything for more than a decade.  Bad day?  Call him.  Good day?  Tell him about it.  Struggles?  Ask for support.  He'd be there.  A call or a text away.  We'd see each other at least once a week, often more.  Camp together, go on road trips, photo adventures, watch baseball and tv shows and talk about all the things.  It was never perfect.  He has a temper that is much quicker than mine and that I don't like to be around (I was never unsafe, for the record) and he drinks and I never liked being around that either, so I'm not making him out to be a saint or perfect or anything other than a human full of faults, just like the rest of us, but he was always there for me.  He was who I turned to.

And now that's gone.

I'm not here to predict the future and say how things may be for he and I in a year or two or five, he's not here for me right now.

He's probably doing the best he can.  We text every few days.  We've talked on the phone a couple of times.  I've stopped by his place here and there but it's not the same. 

And it's taken a few months for me to really notice what an immense loss this is for me and how very very sad I am about it.

So, sure, it's like a breakup.  Which is never easy, but it's also the breakup of a solid support person, and that's devastating.

Yes I have other people in my life and people who have said they are there if I need.  But it's not Jason.  He has been so consistent as a support for me for so long and the loss of that is devastating and incredibly sad and lonely making.

So, yeah, I feel very alone and very sad right now and I'm telling myself that that's ok and it makes sense and that I don't have to change it or ignore it or push it away.  I am sad.  And hurt.  And lonely for what is gone.

I Think It Died

I think my plant died.

Not as in "I killed this plant" but rather, I think this plant maybe got to end of its life cycle and died. 

So I think this plant was an umbrella plant.  I've had it for a long while.  It drops leaves fairly often and so the bottom portion of it is bare and it is tall and lanky but still growing and putting out new leaves.

When I went to water last week it had all shrivelled/dried up.  Like completely and suddenly.  I have never seen this reaction from a plant before.  But I thought maybe I under watered it and so I gave it a solid bottom soak watering and hoped for the best but nothing changed.  All of the leaves were still horribly withered and wilted.  

So I cut it all the way back (this has helped some of my lanky plants before) and when I did that the main stem was completely dead and dried up.  Which is when I started to think I hadn't over or under watered this poor thing and it had just gotten to the end of its life.

I wonder if maybe someone better with plants than I am (I'm looking at you, plant influencers!) could have checked something sooner or noticed something sooner and when I finally give up on the "pretty sure it's dead" stem that I'm still half praying might show signs of life, I will take a look at the roots, not that I'll understand whatever it is they have to tell me.

But yeah, I think maybe this plant just ran into the end of its life cycle.  Still a bummer and a loss either way, especially since I sort of half imagine that house plants can just live forever.   

It Was Eggceptional

Once a week I boil eggs for my work week.  I've been doing this since I went back to work, so four plus years now?  Maybe less, I don't remember much about my first year back (how on earth did I survive that amount of stress, wow.)

So the other day, I'm watch-listening to an exhibition baseball game and I put two eggs on to boil while I clean up the rest of my kitchen.

I was standing near the stove pausing to watch some of the game when there came a loud POP from the pot of water that had not yet gotten to boil.

What the eff?  Did an egg just pop/burst on me?  Is that a thing?  I mean it clearly was a thing I just heard it!

So I fished around the now murky water (with a spoon) and found the offending egg and pulled it out of the water and yeah, somehow the top portion popped off, I assume because of a pocket of air.  I have never seen that happen before!

I'm glad it didn't explode explode and make a mess and/or hurt me in any way but it is still not something I have ever experienced before!

The rest of my egg boiling was a bit of a mess.... I put a replacement egg in but the water/egg mix boiled over so I had to scoop that mess out, and then I forgot to put on a timer and pulled the eggs out in a panic not knowing if I had over or under cooked them (I had one later and it was fine, slightly overcooked if anything but not too bad, phew!)

I have since googled and it is a thing that happens and people suggest poking a hole with a pin in them first but I think I'll just call this a one off and hope it never happens again as I've had a perfect track record up until this week!