Golly Gee, I Wonder Why!

Wakes up in a neutral mood Sunday morning.

Spends the next two hours online.

In FOUL mood by mid morning.  Like, hating everything, and most everyone rotten mood.

Good gosh, I wonder what on earth the correlation could be? *shocked face*

Sigh.

Screwed... Again!

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself because I'm human but a few days ago I noticed my right front tire looked a little flat.  But often it's not flat it's just the angle so I thought to myself "I should check the pressure" and then I didn't and I guess I forgot.

Well, yesterday I got out from driving and for whatever reason looked down at the tire and, uh, yeah, pretty sure that's not just the angle.

So then the anxiety kicks in.

I call Jason (my "car" friend)... uh.... tire is flat?  But like not bad flat?  And I drove on it????

He said he'd come over, I said no, I have a pump thing and a gauge thing but damn you guys the anxiety had me pretty much at a panic attack.  IT SUCKS.

So I got out my gauge and it wouldn't even register.  (I also hate using the thing, UGH) and then I went into my apartment (still all panicky) and got my... whatever it's called "blow up tire" machine thing that I purposely bought just for this kind of thing and I made sure I read the instructions and Jason told me to make sure I had the engine on so I didn't kill the battery and while freaking out, I filled the tire and then the machine gauge said one thing and my manual gauge said another and so I put more air in and then I accidentally bashed my head against the door frame of my car getting in and out and that REALLY hurt and then I called the tire place and I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm hoping since I've probably driven on this for a few days now (SINCE IT LOOKED FLATTER AND I DIDN'T CHECK IT UGH) it should be ok to carefully drive it there.  Oh, by the way, I NOTICED THE NOT FULLY OK TIRE AFTER DRIVING AROUND OMG WHY????

This, by the way, is the third screw I've gotten in a tire since I got these new tires a few years ago.  I have NO idea where I'm picking them up, but I have been driving "through" construction near where I live for, what, close to two years now?  I have no idea if road construction uses screws but seriously, where do these things come from and WHY????

So yeah, everything seems ok (as in I don't think I ruined my rim, it wasn't THAT flat) and hopefully everything works out tomorrow and like man having the anxiety kick in like that is so not helpful.  And this was bad.  

I called Jason to calm myself down after I'd dealt with it and I said to him "good for me for noticing.  good for me having the machine and gauge.  good for me remembering the name of the place to call them. good for me doing the call and being polite and friendly.  good for me managing this." And that's what I'll try to focus on.  I did it.  I handled it.  Nothing went "bad" or very wrong and it's probably going to be fine.

I've had two patches in I think different tires and the guy said they're allowed three patches per tires so I shouldn't have to buy new tire(s) but yeah... screwed again man!  I'm pretty sure I made that joke the last time I called them so I just kept it to myself this time. (hardy har har though, come on!)

ARGH

I am (at the time of writing this... so it'll probably change by the time this posts) SUPER stressed.  Like anxious stressed and I'm not 100% sure why?

I have some potentially frustrating things going on... ok, wait, there's me doing that "remain anonymous in blog" thing so let's back up.

My phone provider (rhymes with Smelus) has informed me (us?) that they will no longer be supporting copper wires in our area.  So our building has been, what, installed? with their fibre whatever and now they want me to switch over my land line.

Well, I don't WANT a non copper wire land line.  But it seems within a matter of months that choice will be removed from me.  Although, to be fair to me, no one has given me solid answers or solid explanations yet just "no longer supporting copper wires" and "your service may be disrupted if you don't change".

Sigh.

So I've TRIED to get info with little success and have booked an appointment for them to come do... whatever.  They're apparently going to call me to talk it through first (the technician I mean) but hey, remember what I babbled about the other day?  Lack of plugs?  Yeah, my place has no free/spare plug near the ONE solitary phone plug thing so.... now what?  And also what about my door buzzer?  Like this stuff really really stresses me out and gets my anxiety going.

And if I'm not in a decent space (which I'm not right now) I will get mad at myself for not being able to handle it "better".  And that self-mad doesn't help anything at ALL.

So I'm super stressed, possibly mainly (?) by this Smelus change thing and I do not want to have to deal with it and I'm actually super sad and upset that I HAVE to change.  And I am apparently one of those old people who doesn't adapt to new technologies but I have reasons for that.  (I wanted a "regular" land line so that my phone would be more likely to work in an emergency situation.... sure, I get that you'll put in a batter that has X number of hours of talk time on it but that's not the same and not a guarantee and I've never wanted to have to deal with this.)

I keep complaining to my counsellor types lately that I feel SO less capable of dealing with things.  Like just... it's incredibly difficult to compare me right now to me how I know I used to be and having things like this throw me off to such an extent.  It sucks.

But yeah, I really really don't want to be dealing with this, but I chose to rather than putting it off.  Sigh.

Will see how the pre-call goes, cuz I have lots of reservations (and need answers.)

Image

I don't like my body.

And before you get mad at me or feel some sort of way about me for saying that, know that that's an improvement on me hating, like flat out hating my body.  So, yeah... not a fan of my body and specifically I suppose I should say that I mean its shape.

I don't like the way my body looks and I never have and now I'm kind of angry about that.

I don't think I thought much about my body as a kid, certainly not what it looked like (as far as I can remember.) But I think many of us hit those teenage years and start to deal with the changes that come with puberty and age and, well... that, for me, is when the hate started.

I'm sure I've talked about it before, but puberty brought me acne (which kids are not nice about and which gave me massive insecurity - I knew I was ugly because of it) and then the combo of puberty and an injury (which stopped me from dancing/exercising for a long span of time) brought me large breasts fairly suddenly and they weren't something I wanted (you really can't dance the same with them, your whole center of balance is different, nevermind the weight and look of them) and I hated them and felt fat.

If you're not a large breasted person, you may not know that most clothing isn't fitted for them and so when you look down or in a mirror at yourself the tshirt or sweater most often falls straight down from the largest part of the breast and that, my friends, looks "fat".  Certainly to an already insecure teenager/girl.  Shirts (with buttons) don't fit either - they tend to pull and gape at the breast, and that again, can tell your brain that you're too fat for clothes.

Unfortunately my well meaning mother also said some things around that time and in later years that reinforced the fat narrative (I've since talked to her about it, and she's apologized and tried to explain what she meant but at no point in my life have I been obese and no one should have told me I was and that's just that.)

So all through my youth (teens, twenties) I hated hated hated my body.  I was fat (in my view.)  And this was the time when you wouldn't necessarily talk to anyone about this but if you did they'd probably say "yeah, me too".

And of course I compared myself to everyone else in high school and they were taller, prettier, omg so much prettier, had clear skin, wore clothes well, etc etc etc.  I hated my body, I hated my face, I hated myself.

It's taken a lot of time and work and re-evaluating to not hate how I look but I still struggle with it some days.  When I'm really really low, Jason will often hear me say that I'm fat and old and ugly.  If he gets frustrated with this he keeps it to himself and he either ignores me or assures me that's not true and not correct and just in my mind.  (Which, when I'm low, I brush off as lies... sigh.)

Lately, I'm struggling with my body and feeling terribly sad that I missed out on being young and pretty.  Because I think I was.  I can look at old photos and objectively see that I wasn't fat, or anywhere near fat.  And by my 20s I seemed to have figured out how to work with the breasts a little bit better so even they didn't do what I thought they did...  I looked good.  And I had no idea.  So it's like I never got to enjoy that.  I never got to be secure in my looks at a time when you are most wanted by the world.  I will never get that back.  I will never be 20 and confident.  Or 30.  Or possibly even 40.... 50?

I hate that.  I hate hate hate that I have hated myself and not seen myself neutrally if not positively.

Even now if someone tells me I'm pretty or something along those lines I think they're lying.  (Lying is oversimplifying but catches the drift of it.)

Some days I can see it.  I can look in the mirror and think "I'm kind of pretty!"  or something like that that would be too embarrassing to type out loud. Other days I look in the mirror and I'm a hideous gargoyle that should never be seen in the light of day omg why do I look so awful?

But also that's just how it goes sometimes.   I've stared following a couple of people online who purposely show themselves not looking great.  Who show how "influencers" pose and compare that to the reality.  They make funny faces and post without makeup and with bug bites and looking "bad" and I appreciate that very much.

But I can't get my age back.  I can't get youth back.  And I haven't yet found a way to turn into a confident person who likes how they look.  

And I'm not thrilled with the shape of my body right now.  Some days I tell myself it's fine - that my body has put on "middle age" weight (just like I saw my Mom do) and it's fine because that's the next phase... a thickening, just as mother nature wants it.  And there is a truth to that.

But I also have not taken the best physical care of my body these last chunk of years.  I was working with a personal trainer for a while but that was expensive (damnit) and then I had nearly four years of shoulders that wouldn't work and I was just getting into swimming and trying again and.... pandemic.

Crap.

Yes I have my bare minimum 20 (more like 40) minutes a day of "walking" but it's not honestly super sustained cardio.  But I'm not punishing myself by saying that's not good enough.

And my diet is crappier than it needs to be.  I've been watching my sugar yes, but not my carbs (which is sugar by a different name) and sure people say "oh, it's lockdown weight, we all did it!" but it's not so much the weight (I'm keeping it off, just not reducing), it's the... flab?  The looseness?  The floppy?  It's seeing the parts of me that were never fat have fat.

And seeing my skin age, and more fat under that skin and holy crap I really don't like my body when I start looking at it.

And that makes me mad.  Because if I'm looking back on my 20s and realizing I was attractive and didn't see it, then how much am I going to hate looking back at now and realizing I didn't see it.  UGH.

So... I'm saying I don't like my body and I don't like that I don't like my body and I'm trying but also pandemic and anxiety and life and motivation and they keep telling me to accept how things are?  So, yeah.. I'm overweight.  Not sure I'll ever be normal BMI again?  I also am not seeing myself neutrally or positively, I see myself very negatively and probably I'm quite wrong.

But I also am trying.  And there has been change.  I think "I look good" more days than I used to.  And I can look at photos from a few (less than ten?) years ago and not hate them anymore.  

A few years ago, I gave myself a selfie challenge.  It was purposely to work on some of this stuff.  I tried to take a flattering (to me) selfie every day for a month.  I think it helped.  When I look at them now I complain "oh that was years ago and I've aged SO much and" blah blah blah so... maybe I should do it again?  

I'm sorry (to myself) that I had bad skin.  I'm sorry that my breasts grew so suddenly so large.  I'm sorry that I didn't and don't appreciate what I have.  I'm sorry that I've ever thought I was fat.  I'm sorry I don't see my own beauty.  I'm sorry I can't see what others see.  I'm sorry.

My Bad

You know that chorus/line from that Radiohead song "you do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts"?  Yeah.  That.

See, I ate three bagels on Sunday.

"Wait, Victoria, I thought you weren't supposed to eat gluten?"

Yeah, I'm not.  And I ate three bagels.  Sigh.

I could blame Jason I suppose as during the heat wave when I had to go stay at his place he bought us bagels and I'd forgotten how much I loved them pre-gluten discovery and, well I've bought them every week since.  UGH.

I know better, but the "excuse" I seem to use with myself is that I have a lot of difficult things going on right now and this is some form of comfort.

But then I'm lying in bed Sunday night with my stomach hurting.  And like not intense pain, but enough that I wake up with it a few times and I know it's the bagels.  The gluten.

But I also know I have three left and I'm going to want to eat them.  I just know this.

Which means.... yeah, I do it to myself, I do... and that's what really hurts.

Sigh.

Ugh.

The Lines

I sat here yesterday thinking and thinking about writing.  Blogging, really.  But it's just a version of writing that technically is public, so, writing. 

I was mulling over the fact that writing seems to help me.  As in, help me process.  Or think things through, or however you want to put it.  And yes I journal or write in a diary every night.  Often just a summary of the day or random thoughts - it's not a "Dear Diary" kind of thing for me but the point of it is I do write every day.  And for a while I was doing "daily pages" from the book The Artist's Way.  I did that for a few months, and it helped.  But then it felt like it didn't because I was getting all my worries out on paper first thing in the morning and then having to go off to volunteer all upset and thinking about the worries and so I stopped.  Have done it a few times here and there, but not consistently again.  Even though it sort of helped... for a while?

Talking helps me too, but right now I don't have many people to talk talk to and one of them's someone I pay (aka a counsellor) and I feel like I should be dealing with stuff while I'm there rather than just babble talking so, you know... back to writing.

I hold back a lot here.  In large part because of the public thing.  And sure, I could make the blog less public, but I mean it's not like I have a huge audience anyway.... not that it's about that.  I think it's more about not wanting to be seen and known, not truly.  It's some version of a fear of rejection or not being liked.  It's a lot of things I'm sure, but the thought I came to yesterday was like... what if I tried to really just write.  To get more things up and out.  To be more honest, even with myself, about things.  To try not to protect and hide so much.  (And by protecting I don't just mean me, I mean those in my life who didn't sign up to be written about, you know?)

But what if I just wrote more and worried less about it being read.  "Well then," the logical voice would say "just write it privately, for yourself, on paper."

Well, right, yes, except I have a blog.  This is it here.... and sometimes when I post something it helps someone else.  Or someone responds in a way that helps me (or supports me or uplifts me or challenges me, or sometimes upsets me.)  Sometimes putting things "out there" is a way to connect and help.  So maybe if I say X Y Z someone random will read the post and think ok wow, I X Y Z too and I'm not alone and I feel better now.  Or maybe someone will read it and think holy smokes I'm so glad I don't have to X Y Z, yikes!

Or honestly, maybe not.  Maybe people just read and shrug and move on.  But for me, I feel connected to the folks I've "met" online, even when I've never really met them.  I've watched kids I'll likely never meet grow up.  I've been delighted to hear about weddings of people across the country or world.  Maybe I stay on and with this platform for me. 

So maybe I'll try, for a while, to just write.  To just let it all out.  To not stop myself when I'm hating everything, because usually I can't write because I am trying to not put that negativity "out there."  But maybe I need to.  For me.  I don't know.  But maybe I'll try.  Warts and all.

We Change. Or At Least I Do.

A jet just flew past.  Part of a thing, you know... a thing.

And while there's a small part of me that goes "cool" (like I used to when I was younger), the bigger part of me goes "thank goodness I don't live somewhere where this is common" (like some of the US towns I've driven through.)  And another part of me that has less than positive thoughts about jets and things...

But yeah, glad (again) to live where I do for many reasons.

Weird Problems In Old Buildings

I have to assume it's the age of the building I live in, or maybe it's just something I never had to pay attention to before but I do NOT have enough plugs in my place.  

Like, electrical plugs.

I mentioned that I am financing an air purifier (that I hope to not NEED! knock on wood) and I went to plug it in and realized that all the plugs in my "living room" (the only room I really have other than kitchen, bedroom, bathroom and ... "hall"), all of them have multiple things plugged in and that's probably not good.

Like electricity wise.

I don't have a lot of things, in my opinion, but there are only so many outlets (three) and I have more things that need power than that.

They don't all run at once, at least not that I can think of.  And I suppose once Summer is over I will unplug some fans and that will open up a spot or two but still... I feel really damn limited by the lack of outlets in this place.

And I feel like I should probably buy better power bars or whatever thingies than I currently (ha, electricity joke) have, but I don't know?

Sigh.

Electricity is something I'm actually pretty afraid of in terms of when it goes bad it's bad and scary.

So, yeah... all my plugs are quite possibly overloaded and I don't know of anything I can do about that...

Variations On A Theme

I had a version of a dream I haven't had in a while, but that has come and gone in my life over the years.

The dream's issue is that 911 is "not working" and in the dream I need it.

Used to be that I'd call and get a busy signal or something like that but this time it was a weird different version... I dialed nine one one and got some other random animal information system.  Like 911 had been given away to some other organization and they were giving out animal facts?

So of course (in the dream) I called back just in case but nope, 911 was no longer a thing.  And so I had to try to figure out (and quickly of course because someone needed an ambulance) what number to call and no one has actual phone books anymore and I can't remember if I tried to search on my cell phone or what but eventually we realized I'd have to drive the person myself rather than trying to call for an ambulance.

I can analyze the dream I suppose... wanting or needing help and feeling like there isn't any... stress in my life, you know, that kind of thing.  I just don't remember the last time I had a "broken 911" dream so that's the interesting part to me.  And what was unusual is that usually when I dream try to call it's ME who needs them, and this time it was for someone else.  And no, not someone I'm particularly close to or anything.

Go figure.

Effort

I'm trying to have something to say but I don't have anything to say.

That heat episode we had took way more out of me than I ever imagined it would and I'm still just starting to recover.  If "recover" is the right word.  I've managed to feel like I'm rested again and my sleep pattern is back to pretty much normal.  But my energy level is not.

As I mentioned last week, I was completely, utterly drained and now I'm feeling physically better but totally unmotivated to... I dunno, do things that I should do?

Like I'll go into my bathroom and see the dust and know I'd like it better if I just went and swept/dusted but I don't. 

I was super proud of myself yesterday because I got laundry done.  No, seriously.  And I partly got laundry done because I was running out of things to wear.  Like socks.  And shirts.  Lightweight ones anyway and hey, ha ha ha it's still Summer so you kind of need those!

C-Dawg has some stuff going on that's devastating for her and I'm stressed for her and feeling helpless and useless.  Family and some friends want to hang out and I'm not sure I'm up for that... I mean we've all had at least one shot if not two but still... plus, what, a year and a half of not seeing anyone?  Plus just like, exhaustion and stress and social anxiety bullshit and, well, I both don't want to do anything and am not sure I have the energy to do anything but I also don't want to be a complete hermit but ugh, and blah.

So I don't have a whole lot to blog about and no real thoughts swirling through my head other than "how hot might it end up being today" and "I should eat better" and "I should go for a walk" and other things that are less pleasant and don't need publicizing.

And sure, this "tiredness" could also be depression or a version of it, I'm aware of that, but whatever the reason, it is not... enjoyable.  Nor is the noise my head makes about it and the "shoulds" it believes I need to fulfill.

Sigh.

"The only way out is through" or something like that so I'll keep trying and "this too shall pass" and all, right?  Right.  Sure.

The Aftermath (Of Sorts)

I still haven't really recovered fully from the heat dome heat stupid wave thing of the other week.

Part of that is knowing it's Summer and temps, well they're hot in Summer.  And part of that is how bad it was and how hard it was to get through.

Some of the things I haven't talked about yet are the weird 'around the house' heat related issues I discovered once I got home.

Like, a minor one, but I had an Aero bar in the cupboard (that I totally forgot about yay me) and I went to have it this weekend and it had obviously melted or something and now had a completely different texture.  For anyone who knows, it was now like a Flake.  And looked and felt totally different.

And the face plate of the new modem I got sent by my internet provider fell off.  In the box, before I got to it (because I was at Jason's) it fell off, like the glue melted in the heat.  And did I mention my blinds warped?  Yeah.

And then there was my soap/shampoo containers.  The ones with pumps?  They all "not exploded".  As in, there wasn't an explosion but something happened and soap/shampoo/whatever leaked out of them.  

I'm sure there are other things that melted that I just haven't discovered yet, and can I just say I'm really proud I had the presence of mind to give my plants some extra water?  THEY LIVED!  

I have completely blown my budget too with some panicked "must stay fed" purchases and now a purchase of an air purifier (which I was able to finance which feels weird) and the ordering of an air conditioning unit which I feel really weird about.  (After what we went through, I'd rather have it and not use it than wish again that I'd gotten it so... it is what it is.)

Most people I know weren't happy during that chunk of time and right now there's another "heat dome" sort of thing that's hopefully skipping our province but is on our coast again and I think most of the people I've talked to are waking up to the fact that this may be the horrific "new normal" of weather we've allowed to happen and that steps need to be taken.  Not only to secure the future of our planet and climate, but also personal steps for personal health and wellness as this is not likely to be a "one off."

This was, without exaggeration, a deadly heat event.  Hundreds of deaths happened in BC alone that are attributable to the heat.  And that's just human.  The wildlife and especially sea life deaths are literally uncountable.  Somehow my brain didn't consider sea creatures getting fried.  And damn... this isn't ok, you know?

I do think I've probably caught up on sleep now, and my sleep schedule is back to normal - the cool nights help a lot with that I'm sure.  And sure, my body has adjusted somewhat and what might have been "warm" a month ago is now "nice".  And I have been giddy getting into bed the last few nights and feeling "cold", honestly, giddy and smiling and happy to feel that.  There has been a breeze and man oh man it is amazing.

I mean it's still Summer, there's still sun and no rain and UV rays and heat, but that was just beyond miserable and I am so grateful I had somewhere to go, even if it was only a few degrees cooler.

A Wow

I slept with my comforter up last night!  I am so excited by this!

We're having a temperature break today and I am all about it and going to do my best to revel in it while it's here, phew.

No Idea!

Well, I can not figure out the partial dream I had last night so.... you know, brains, man!

See in the dream it was finally ok (like really actually ok as in Covid just disappeared completely kind of ok) to be out and about again so I went to "James Bay" (it wasn't James Bay, it was this place that I seem to go in some dreams that is more like an old English town than anything here) and was out and about window shopping with my Mom and we stopped in a place to eat (that reminded me of a place I went in the Seattle Public Market a few years ago). And I was posting memes on my phone while my Mom went to the bathroom and a few people sat at the table next to us (close tables) and one of them was a Russian woman (because of her accent? and because you know things in dreams?) and she told me to put my phone away or she'd punch me in the face.

Well, in the dream this pissed me off and so I told her I only had a couple more things to do and she was like no, now, and I thought about getting in a physical fight with her but even dream me knew it wasn't something that would end well so I just put my phone away but I was mad and I thought about making a scene somehow (no idea) but instead at the "end" of the dream I was pretending to be happy (and socializing?) with the Russian lady who'd been about to beat me up and so yeah that was weird.

In Case You Were Wondering

My big goal for this afternoon is the same as it was for yesterday afternoon:  Do not nap.

I have been so exhausted that a nap has felt necessary but then I'm not able to fall asleep at night and so I pushed myself to NOT nap yesterday and the falling asleep was a little better so here I am trying to do the same.  NO NAP, me, NO!

Sigh.

(I know it's for the best but still...)

(The only time I can nap and still sleep anymore is when I'm legit sick, not just tired.  Sigh.)

(I miss naps.  I think.  Probably because I "can't" have one right now.)

How Am I?

How am I post second Covid vaccination?

I don't know.

I mean I know how I feel, but I genuinely don't know if it's from the shot or from life.

Ok, my arm hurts, that's from the shot (duh), but I'm also feeling pretty tired.  BUT, I didn't sleep much (or at all) for a week with the heat so I think I'm honestly just tired from the lack of sleep and stress.  I was tired and drained all last week too but there was also the stress and adrenaline of trying to deal with the heat and my body's (and mind's) reaction to it... so the tired isn't new post vaccine.

I'm also warm (ha!) but I've been warm for two weeks now so probably just the heat, you know?

All in all I don't think I've had any reaction to either of my shots, other than a sore arm at the site of injection, so I am very thankful for that!

The sleepy/tired/exhausted?  Yeah, that's really more likely to be from the last week.

Second shot went very well despite them being a lot busier (possibly from taking up the slack from the sites that had to close down due to heat last week), they really have things running so smoothly and I'm grateful for the volunteers and the systems and just the all of it.  Well done all.

I do also keep crying randomly thinking about being vaccinated against this thing that has kept me from family and friends for a year and a half but that's not so much a side effect as a massive amount of relief and gratitude!