It's A Possibility I Suppose

I was thinking about bird song.  Or bird... calls... noise, I dunno.  Bird squalks n stuff.

Like, when I hear bird chatter from far away places it always sounds lovely and interesting but perhaps for the locals it's like argh those damn (insert noise maker bird here)!

Like..... seagulls.  Mother trucking seagulls.  I am SO so so so not a fan of their noise, their sometimes ongoing extraordinarily loud and annoying noise.  But maybe to someone from far far away it would be charming or fascinating?  

Personally, I find that hard to believe as I find nothing charming or nice or good about their call but maybe folks feel the same way about their local birds so what do I know?

Anyway... I hate seagull noise, but maybe someone or someones out there don't.

A Weird Missing

There's a building near me (a block down and a block over, so kind of diagonal from me I guess?) that's been undergoing "construction" for ages.

I think what it actually was, was remediation.  Remember the leaky condo stuff?  It looked like that.  Scaffolding all over with the tarp things.  It's been going on for a long time (it's a big building?)

I can't remember exactly when it started but it's been a year, maybe even close to two?  I'm not sure, but a long long time.

Now because of reasons, I get a sort of echo in my area and I have been hearing these folks work for months and months now.  I often wake up to them (kind of woken up by them?) and that sort of lets me know it's about 7:30 am or so.

They haven't been terribly loud, I hear them from time to time, one of them has a very distinct and loud voice, and lately there's been a Spanish speaker around too.

I noticed the other day that they were taking down the scaffolding.  I guess they're done or close to done.  And I realize I'll miss them.

Isn't that funny?  These guys (I've only ever heard male voices but certainly there could be women on the crew) have been "around" for such a long time, a part of my week days for ages.  And now they'll be moving on to another job.  I almost wanted to go past the building and tell the supervisor that I'd miss them but that seems weird "hey, you guys kind of woke me up most mornings for the last two years and your tarps made incredible noise during wind and I've been hearing you yell at each other this whole time and I just wanted to say I'll miss you!"

Other construction is going on in the area including one a few buildings down from me but this one was right in the echo chamber and the others I don't (yet?) hear as much as they're blocked by other buildings whereas this one had a magic clear spot for the sound to travel.

So, thanks for the non-company you guys.  I hope the next job goes well and I hope you keep yelling at each other to WATCH OUT and stuff.  Take care!

Casually

I just moved a bunch of my Covid PPE stuff off of my entry/exit area table thing into the hallway closet.

The handkerchiefs I no longer use, same as the cotton and non-latex gloves.  The extra filters, the N95s... the box of medical grade masks... all now out of sight.

I also dismantled the "I'm getting mask-acne" bag I put together when I was first starting to seriously wear masks.  Not to jinx anything but I guess we (my face and I?) got used to it?

It was an odd moment, because I knew I was making a statement (to myself) of some sort... like the "emergency phase" is... over?  My level of precaution can be a little more relaxed than two or so years ago when we had no vaccines and knew nothing at all?

I still have my masks hanging by the door, this, in all honesty may never change or may be another long while before I put them away, I don't know, and I don't find it much of an inconvenience to throw one on in public.

But, yeah, I moved stuff that has been there since 2020.  Just... quietly and casually.

(And then I posted about it, heh!)

Thank Goodness

It's back to school time (especially for folks in the States?) and many of my (online) friends are posting photos of their young ones in their "back to school" outfits.

I saw one this morning of someone's daughters and I felt this overwhelming feeling of panic thinking about having to pick out an outfit to wear every day of high school (these gals were wearing nicely picked out "first day" outfits) and the pressures I assume are there of wanting to fit in, wanting to look a certain way, wanting to not be made fun of... wanting to look good or attractive or whatever else might go through a teenaged mind.  And I got overwhelmed with that feeling of pressure I suddenly had.

Maybe I'm over reacting or projecting my current anxiety on to a situation I'm long away from.  I don't remember caring about how I looked in high school all that much but I MUST have.  (I remember borrowing things for dances I wasn't allowed to wear and changing in and out of them)  Maybe I'm thinking about how it seems harder to be young these days with phones everywhere (and therefore cameras) and technology and the interwebs.... Or maybe I'm thinking of my current blah wardrobe and knowing I don't look fashionable or cool or anything... 

I don't know, I'm just really glad I don't have to worry about that and I can go about my day looking however and not really caring all that much.  And I hope these kids aren't as concerned as my stress level thinks they are.

What's The Sound We Make For Heat? "Phew!"? *

We had a bit of a cooler week this week which was delightful for me and allowed for some sleep.

I was genuinely excited to go to bed the other night knowing I'd be using my blanket, and I did!

But last night (as we head in to a slightly warmer weekend) I was back down to my sheet and this morning I had pulled up the blanket and needed to kick it off again (to stay asleep for a while longer) and today's going to be a "mitigate the heat" kind of day and that's unfortunately stressing me out.

I haven't slept all that well for most of Summer and it's unfortunate because I like lots of things about Summer like the longer days and the bright days and the outdoor events and general lack of rain during activities and plans.  I figure my lack of sleep isn't entirely due to warmth but it certainly contributes.

* You know how when we talk about being cold we might say "brrrrr!" So what's the equivalent thing to say for being hot?  There isn't really one is there?  There's the "fanning yourself with your hand" motion but there's no equivalent sound?

Un-needed Adrenaline

My windows open out into our building's parking area.  It is, like many in this area, an above ground, car port (so a ceiling over parking spots) with lights.  

The lights, in theory, were to give us some safety.  

They don't.  Not really.  Not for the cars anyway.  Our vehicles get broken into regularly.  Both those in the parking area and those on the street.

Because I sleep with windows open most of the year, I hear what's going on in the parking lot.  Sometimes someone coming home will wake me up, but I tend to sleep through the "normal" noises.  What I don't sleep through (well not all the time anyway) is "not normal" noises.  Like people in the lot who are walking around.

My brain has a fairly good idea of what it sounds like when a tenant is at their car or getting in or our of their car.  There's a certain cadence and time line.

People who are NOT tenants and wanting to either see into our vehicles (for reasons of theft) or use the area for rest or drug consumption - their movement patterns sound different.  And often wake me up or stop me from falling asleep or continuing to read.  Like last night.

I'd not had my lights off for too long when I heard "someone walking".  Shuffling.  Slowly.  And not coming towards the building entry door.

I paused, I listened, and then I got out of bed.  (It's what I do in these situations, I don't want someone breaking in if I can help it.)

I almost always have a debate about calling the police, but I don't want to have to wait for them to show up and respond and I know the person could use that time to break into a vehicle so I usually end up just shouting at them to go away.  

I usually shout a swear word followed by instructions "leave" or "get off property" or whatever, but I can't help but throw a please in there.  Like "get off of our property please".  I find it weird every time it happens.  Oh well.

But more than that, doing the yelling spikes my adrenaline.  Badly.  Like last night I was shaking after I yelled, and watched them move on.  Whenever it happens, it's usually late.  This was around midnight.  Sometimes it's around 2 am or later.  And the adrenaline spike ruins my sleep for the night.  It sucks.

I also, last night, got up and put on my glasses but I'd already yelled by then and they'd left, but the time or two I have called police or let police know and they ask what the person looked like I have to say "I wasn't wearing my glasses so I don't know" which I know isn't helpful.  

So, yeah... I wish this wasn't a thing, but it was.  And I wish I didn't hear it and feel like I have to deal with it but I do.  I wish my body would not "fight or flight" on me but it does.  Oh, life, why are you so... like this?

Go Figure

Something else that happened last week that surprised me... I went through two police roadblocks!  (Sobriety checks.)

I haven't been through one in years... I legit can not remember the last time I went through one nevermind saw one?

They weren't even places or times I would have expected, which sure, is the point, and I'm not sure if it was because it was leading up to a long weekend but one of them was on a Thursday around dinner time, a couple of blocks from where I live and the other was on the way back from the beach on Saturday, again I suppose around dinner time, but again on a quiet road where I wouldn't have expected it!

I don't drink and drive.  I get nervous even having one drink and driving so it's just not something I do, or if I did drive and have a drink I wait until it's as far out of my system as it can be.  But even still, I get a little nervous approaching a roadblock - even having nothing to hide and having done nothing wrong.

Both of these times I had not had a drop of alcohol all day (or all week or month if we get into that) but strangely it was the first time I had the thought (after driving away) "wow, you could just lie".  Which is a weird thought, like I'd lie that I HAD had alcohol?  (Not saying you should do this, just it had weirdly never occurred to me before)

But yeah, two roadblocks in one week after none for... years?  Go figure.

Wave

Did I survive the small heat wave last week?  I did.

PHEW!

It certainly was not on par with the heat dome of last year (thank heavens), it was more of a "regular" Summer hot.  

I had planned to go with Jason out to a beach or a lake every day to get away from my apartment and hopefully cool down.  I'd planned to run my air conditioner unit all day and the noise of it and the fans get to me so I figured I'd run it all day and come back to a cool place.

It wasn't as "cool" a place as I might have hoped or expected but it cooled and that made a huge difference.

Jason's place, where we'd stop to unload and maybe have dinner would be in the thirties when we got back to it in the evening (between 6 and 7?) and so we'd have to sit outside and then I'd go home (between 8 and 9?) to a place that was 24 and so while it wasn't cold it was cool and cooler and it made a massive difference for me.

I think I ended up at the beach four of the seven days of the week last week.  I'd purchased a beach umbrella and wouldn't have been able to handle the beach without it, I need some shade for sure.  Even with that, it was hot there.  Especially after travelling in a car with air conditioning.  And yes, heat causes anxiety and panic attacks for me.  So getting to the beach there would be a bit of a frenzied rush to get the umbrella up and things under shade and then Jason, who had already put his swim trunks on would head straight into the water while I did the "changing in public" dance of not exposing anything while changing, and then I'd head down to the water.  (With hat and sunglasses and water shoes and a "rash guard" shirt acting as a UV block).

And then I would slowly slowly walk into the water.  Feet are fine... calves... need a little time.  Mid thighs, even more time.  And then I'd get to sort of bum area and just kind of wait.  And often wait and wait and wait.  Because COLD water man!  But most times, eventually, I'd manage to wet my top half down and then eventually get in to the water and that was lovely.

I'd downloaded a tide app and after the sudden (seemingly sudden) tide coming in early in the week I made sure to kind of watch once it hit a certain part.

We also noticed the water temp changing over the week.  As in some days it was "warm" and the last day we went (Saturday?) it was not.  As the tide rolled in, the "beach" parts could get bathwater warm, (I wished I had a thermometer honestly) but that would sometimes last for a while and sometimes just for a few minutes.  So I noticed the water not being the same all week, it was really fascinating.

So yeah, on some days I'd spend most of my day in my cool-er but noisy (the A/C is noisy, and I also run four fans to push the cooler air around) and dark place (blinds closed and covered by stuff to try to keep the sun out) or I'd head to the water once I was able and come back to a cool-er place.  I don't turn things on right away in the morning (I would were it another heat dome) and I don't keep them on all night.  At some point in the evening (10?  11?) near bedtime, I shut things down bit by bit and open up the windows for some real air (and maybe cool air?) and the temp inside always jumps a degree at least, but the quiet is necessary for me.  Plus I'd be physically cool (rather than having over heated like every other summer) so more able to handle a little "warmth".

I doubled my usually sleep "helping" stuff and got some sleep later in the week (which makes a huge difference) but most nights I'd be trying to sleep in my bedroom that was around 24 C and waking up to a bedroom that had only cooled a degree or maybe two at most.  Not the end of the world, but I much prefer me a cool place to sleep.

So yeah, I am really happy with how well I survived this heat wave.  It wasn't ideal.  It was difficult.  There are parts about it I did not like, but I was "ok" which is amazing.  Looks like I might get through this Summer after all!

(Knock on wood NO JINXING!)

Goldilocks Temperatures

The other night I had a hard time falling asleep because the temperature kept "changing".

That's not quite accurate, but what was happening was that there was a slight breeze.  And if that breeze came through my windows it was nice and cool enough to pull up my blanket.  BUT, when that breeze died down (which it did, over and over and OVERRRRR) it got WAY way too hot quite quickly and I'd have to kick off that blanket and be down to just a sheet, if that.

So I don't know how long I was there, trying to sleep, unable to get a decent temperature because it would be TOOOOOOO HOT so I'd go down to a sheet and try to sleep but then the breeze would happen and I'd be TOOOOOOO COLD so I'd bring the blanket back up (which involves moving and being a little awake) and then I'd try to fall asleep but then the breeze would stop and I'd get TOOOOOOO hot and rinse and repeat for I don't know how long until I apparently did fall asleep at some point and I woke up in the morning with the blanket on so I don't know anymore man!  Summer... I tell ya... sigh.

Intense and Upsetting

I had one of those dreams.  You know the ones, they're stressful and intense and don't necessarily make sense and they throw off your morning!

So in this dream, my family and I had just come back from Burning Man (which makes sense as a topic as it's that time of year and I do help in some forums so it's busy right now and it's on my mind) and they decided they'd enjoyed it so much they wanted to go back for the second one (which makes no sense as there is only one a year but in the dream there were two within a week of each other).

So I was happy enough about this and we headed back down and when we got to the border town (the event was apparently taking place right on the border of the States and Mexico? but we were already in the states?  this is unclear) I realized I had brought my old (expired passport) OH NO!

I don't know how this happened other than me being in a rush to leave but that's not really the point, I had an expired passport and I was really upset.

My Dad offered to go in and talk to the "lawyer" people (I don't know) because I was crying but I calmed down enough to go in.  My Dad was talking to this younger lady who was giving out "this guy is sketchy" looks and when I went up to see what was going on it turned out my Dad was trying to have them change my identity (so I could get a new passport with this new identity) but the girl was like uh... you can't do that.

I managed to talk to her privately and she was like " you can't send in some random old dude to change some lady's identity!"  and I apologized and was upset again.  In the dream I remembered that in real life I had had a passport screw up before and just went to the Canadian side of the border and got them to reissue a passport as I had lost mine and it took a while but was done (I really don't think this is a thing that happened but in the dream I "remembered" what the place looked like and it felt real... so weird) and so I figured we could try that.  But while we were in the lawyer place we explained to them that if we had to drive back and get my actual passport it would lose us a day so we'd rather not have to, and part of me thought that losing a day didn't seem all that unreasonable but really did seem like a pain in the butt so it'd be just easier if they'd issue me a replacement/new passport with the info from my old one.

I woke myself up at some point in there cuz damn that was intensely stressful and I'm not travelling across a border any time soon but if I were I really hope I'd look carefully at my passport, you know?  And make sure I had it???  Damn. 

Oh Karma..... I Love You

Today I got to witness some instant Karma and it made me oh so very happy.

I was driving home and heading into the left turn lane.  In the other lane there were two cars ahead of me, one slowed to make a right hand turn... the other, without signalling, DASHED into the turn lane ahead of me (I was aware and alert and not quite near enough to get hit but still) and then GUNNED it through what was now a red light.

"Damn," I thought "that was... unsafe!"

And then... then I saw, coming from the left, what I always always want to see in these moments... a police vehicle pulling around other cars, throwing on their lights (trying not to hit anyone in the intersection... ahem... it was a little bit of a close call) and ZOOMING after the "you just done goofed up buddy!" driver.

I was so happy I clapped my hands like a kid on Christmas morning.

You know those times when something stupid happens traffic wise and you wish someone was around to give them a ticket?  Yeah... that just happened... good timing for me, and karmic timing for that particular driver.

*happy sigh*

Use The Entry Phone My Dude!

I haven't been sleeping well for about a month now.  I'm not 100% sure why, so I keep adjusting things to try to get back to a more restful sleep situation but also the heat doesn't help.

I was up late last night and wasn't sure how things would go, but I had today off so knew I didn't need the alarm and I hoped things would align in such a way as to allow me to sleep.

Which apparently I did.  I'm not sure when I fell asleep but I know I was asleep because I got woken up about 6am by someone calling out for their friend.  "Tyler?"  "Tyler are you there?"  and like if you're visiting a friend or picking up a friend very early in the morning, could you maybe please not call out for them near their window hoping to wake them up (or whatever was happening) because it's Summer and we all have our windows open and some of us who aren't called Tyler got woken up by your attempts to find/locate/wake him.

Oh Tyler... why couldn't you have just had your friend buzz your apartment?  I MISSED OUT ON SO MUCH SLEEEEEEEEEP!  Sigh.

(Ok I realize as I type this that maybe "Tyler" is a pet that got out or something and someone was looking for them... in which case, I hope you found Tyler!  But also you still woke me up man!)

Oh No! I Littered!

I have never purposely littered in my life, but I now have accidentally littered and I feel terrible!

But like hear me out here...

Jason and I were driving back from an ocean spot (hot days are better with shade and water, we had some of one and a lot of the other!) and I was in the passenger seat (this is important) and saw a spider crawling up the window in front of me.

NOPE!  NO SPIDERS IN THE VEHICLE!

So... I reached into the glove box and got out a piece of hard paper (I think it was the "what to do in case of an accident" thing) and I carefully opened the window and I carefully got the spider on the paper and I carefully moved the paper out the window without letting the spider drop/fall off of it and to make sure the spider was off I gave the paper a shake and IT WENT FLYING OUT THE WINDOW OMG!!!!!

Jason saw it out of the corner of his eye and said "was that important?  do you need that?" and I was like I don't think so but I was making the total shocked pikachu face and like there were no cars behind us to be hit by it but still!  I LITTERED! (It wouldn't have been safe to stop and I feel like I have no idea where it would have landed anyway)

Jason was like "I wondered if you knew what you were doing"  I said well no, but I gave it a shake and it just flew out and OH!  I didn't think that would happen?  Or didn't think that through?  We weren't even going all that fast but like physics and science and stuff.

So yeah... I saved us from a car spider but I littered in the process.  SORRY!

Uncomfortable

We're in for a hot week it seems, and I'm trying not to be too nervous in anticipation but I am worried...

I've not slept well this month or so and the warmer nights are worse for that.  I know I have actual PTSD from last Summer and so I have made some adjustments since then to try to help.  I have a portable A/C unit.  I've used it already this Summer and it was... not what I'd hoped I guess, but better than nothing and at least somewhat helpful.  Although to be whiny, not at night because I can only handle so many hours of the noise of it and fans and turn them off eventually hoping the night air will be cool but... yeah.  

We also seem to have a new family in our building who speak Russian.  I'm wishing there was a way to find out if they are possibly refugees (they have the Ukranian crest on their car but could be supporting rather than from there?) but I don't want to be nosy but also while I'd love to offer help and support I don't know what I could really offer?  But yeah, I noticed them because they park near the window I sit at the most and I took a year of Russian when I was in school in England so I recognized a few words... I don't know, but I do know I'm overthinking, but with good intentions and caring.*

I know people love the heat.  C-Dawg, for example, is stoked that this week is going to be so warm and sunny and I know a LOT of people are like that too... "Yay, Summer is finally here!"  but for many of us there are physical limitations of the amount of heat we can manage.  And the place you live is a big part of that.  I get sun hitting GIANT windows in the hottest part of the day, no shade, not even any way to make shade (I'd kill for an awning... I also may quietly look into UV blocking window films...) and I'm up a level and blocked on both sides by buildings so when the heat kicks up and the wind dies down either no air comes in or the air that might attempt to come in is warm-hot.  C-Dawg,  on the other hand, has a shaded back yard and a house and windows all around said house so she can always get a thru breeze, and almost always get cool air from that shaded back yard, plus being able to retreat to said back yard if needed.  Plus a full basement with bedroom and bathroom that can be slept in.  I don't.

Jason also lives in a house, but their hose gets no shade (other than one spot in the yard that they've cultivated a tree for that exact reason) and their back yard becomes a hot box in the warm times and their house is poorly built and insulated and traps heat and is hard to keep cool.  There was a basement (that I escaped to in the heat dome last year) but it flooded in the November atmospheric river and hasn't been made into a functional space again... yet.  So Jason isn't far off from my living space situation... he has a back yard but it's too hot for most of the day so doesn't really count until late into the evening.  The house doesn't cool down and getting a breeze can really only happen from the front yard and that's just the best that can be done.  Jason doesn't do well in the heat (anymore) either.  Both he and I can have panic attacks from overheating which is a thing I'd prefer not to have experienced and both he and I have physical body stuff from being too hot.  And I?  Also don't sleep in the heat.  So... yeah, it's a mixed bag with some folks enjoying it and having a decent respite at home and others?  The opposite.

People have asked me how I could have managed Burning Man when I'm so not ok with heat and I've tried to explain that I don't really handle it much better BUT... I've chosen to do it.  I KNOW it's only for 10 days and it WILL be cooler when I go home (just if nothing else by being by the water and lower elevation it is never as hot in the Pacific Northwest as it is in Oregon/California/Nevada).  Also at Burning Man it is non stop distraction.  Yes, my first year the heat was awful and I thought I might die and might have had heat stroke and I never wanted to go back.  But I learned a few things (like keeping electrolytes up and eating well) and got a bit more used to it each year after that but it is SO much easier and nicer to be way too hot and sitting in your shade in the desert people watching than it is being in your small apartment with nothing but a laptop to watch.  You know?

I've tried to make vague plans for the week... maybe Jason and I will hit some beaches/lakes/rivers when we can and I'll just run the damn A/C unit all day (and... evening???), and I'll try to plan for not using the stove etc.  And I'll try to just get through each day... exercising in the mornings, keeping blinds shut (I've already put up blankets and what I could over the blinds), running my fans to move some air, doing what I can to not be driven insane by the noise... maybe using extra meds at night to push myself closer to hopefully sleep...  taking electrolyte tabs, trying to eat well, maybe going to be by some water.... I'll try to be as ok as possible.  I'll try to remind myself it won't be like last year.  And I'll try to let myself use the A/C and not worry about the cost (financial and environmental) and not get stressed by the noise... and I'll try not to be stubborn about toughing it out.  Oh and hydrate.... extra water.  Plus I did "heat making" things last week like laundry and dishwasher so that hopefully I can avoid them this week.

I'll try.  And if you enjoy the heat, please enjoy it extra for me because I wish it wasn't like this for me, I truly do.

 

 

*Why did I randomly start talking about this in a post almost entirely about the coming heat?  Because they came home... and I heard them... that's why.

Oh Man

I finally got a few hours of sleep after two nights of no sleep.  I feel like an entirely different person and I'm so thankful for some sleep.  Wow.

Nope

I did not sleep last night.

Now, sometimes I say that and it's a little exaggeration because I got an hour or three in at some point in the middle of the early morning but last night?  Nope.  Last night was a miserable write off of constant tossing and turning and JUST NOT FALLING GOD DAMN ASLEEP.

And it was too warm too which didn't help becuase I had no blankets on but then that was too "lightweight" but then putting blankets on was too hot and then I rolled over and had to pee and thought about not even bothering to try anymore but I'd taken something to try to sleep and if I am awake with that in my system I feel not ok so I wanted to at least be trying to sleep but holy crap that was not a good night and that means today is not going to be all that pretty and the fact that it's going to get warmer (apparently) over the next few days has me stressed on top of not having slept and have I mentioned how much I do not enjoy being a human sometimes?

Gummy

I was sitting here thinking about writing this post and I had the thought "is there a mouth doctor... not a dentist"?  Like is there a specialty for being a doctor of mouths but not a dentist, and I know about oral surgeons but I don't think that's what I mean and so after a bit of googling the answer is "no, not really", so yeah... ok then.  Hi.

My gums are not happy.

Like the gums in my mouth, the ones that hold my teeth (which is what I said when I was talking to C-Dawg and couldn't remember the word... "the things that hold your teeth?").  My gums.  Now the word is sounding super weird.  Gums.  Gums.  My gums.  GUMMMMMMMS.

Ahem.

Ok so my teeth holders are not happy.  They get unhappy from time to time and I never know why and right now is an example of that.

I'm pretty sure my gums get sore and swollen when I'm run down.  Like it's a sign for me that I'm fighting something or under the weather or something like that.  But I still don't know what's actually happening.

Like I felt not well this weekend.  (Rapid test negative... shrug.)  And while I was feeling this "unwell", the upper right back portion of my gums got unhappy.  Like swole up?  Swelled up? (I dunno).  Sore and a little throbby and puffy.  And sore to eat if something touched it like a cracker omg ow.

But just in that one area/side.

So I tried things.  I brush and floss daily, I kept up with that.  I gargled with salt water.  I did a diluted hydrogen peroxide rinse.  But I don't think anything helped and I don't know what happened.

Like really, did I eat something and have an allergic reaction?  That happens to me from time to time... I eat something and the roof of my mouth gets sore right away.  Allergic?

The internet suggests that I got gingivitis, but would it really be just in one area?  I suppose?

Maybe I have a viral infection (sigh) but again why is the irritation located in just one spot....

And honestly, I'd love some answers, but this doesn't seem to happen when I'm at my dentist (issues there btw....am overdue for a cleaning) and when I do mention gum issues to them they don't seem overly concerned.  And I don't think I've ever mentioned it to my doctor or anyone because unless it's actively happening I tend to forget about it and when it's actively happening I don't know how to describe it... is it swollen gums?  An infection?  A cold sore or anything (nope, nothing to be seen other that swelling and irritation)?  Is a piece of food stuck in there?  (I don't think so?)  So without having a strong sense of WTF I don't know how to talk about it.

Sigh.

Being a human is hard y'all.

Minor Changes Are Still Changes

Today is the second social thing I've been invited to and chosen not to go to, and I only feel a little terrible.  Which is progress!

The one thing was family and I felt pretty lousy all week leading up to it (anxiety wise) and so I chose not to go and I felt a fair amount of guilt but also some relief not to have put myself through it, plus I found out after other people attended that I wasn't aware of and that would have set me off for sure.

The second is a friend thing and was another sort of last minute invite (the family one was the day before, this was a couple of days before).  I don't really feel like going, I'm not sure why. I could probably make myself go, and maybe I should? but I, as of right now am not going.  I feel a little crap about that, and a little guilty but I'm not losing my sh*t over it.  And that's progress.

Maybe it would be "better" for me to attend things, but I can also argue that it's "better" for me to lie low when I feel like lying low.  I know it's Summer and all that, but something about this Summer is giving me "Christmas time" vibes like I feel so much pressure to DO THE THINGS and SEE THE PEOPLE and it's stressing me out, even ignoring Covid stuff.

So the point of this post is to remind myself that not only is it ok to do things or not do things but it's great to not stress and stress over whatever decision is made.  A small amount of stress is great compared to HUGE AWFUL MASSIVE ONGOING stress over stuff, you know?

So, yeah, I don't feel great about not going to things, but I am proud of the smaller amount of anxiety I'm feeling about it.  (If that makes sense outside of my head.)

Untitled Title

I (feel like I)'ve been really struggling the last few months with some pretty intense mental health... uh battles?  I was going to say anxiety but then I remembered a nasty nasty "depressive" thing I went through a month or so ago so just a lot.  Things have been a lot.  "Things" meaning my brain I guess?  Or thoughts?  I dunno.

I'm coming up to a year back at work, even though it doesn't feel like that and a part of me sometimes mumbles that "part time doesn't count" when I'm here to tell you oh hell yes it does and while my counsellor-medical and support type folks are STOKED by this and keep congratulating me and telling me how amazing this is, workplace and others in that vein... well that's not their job I suppose.  So on that end it's been paperwork city and other stuff I won't mention but stressful (for me at least) and so while I was very heavily feeling work pressure last month Jason and I also got into a fight that I have no recollection of what it was about and for whatever reason my "brain" decided to tell me that I should just take my life.

And look, I've had very low thoughts like that before, but usually they're more along the heavily depressed lines of "why bother" while this came across very "sensible" and almost "normal" as a suggestion and that more than anything terrified me.

It was about three or four days worth of fighting this and really only talking to Jason about it and I am so grateful I was able to talk to him about it as opposed to literally having no one.  One of the things that helped in the end was Jason pointing out that that week was the week of my period.  And something in my brain went OMG IT COULD BE HORMONES!!!! And that was a huge relief.

So I'm starting to talk to my doctor about hormone based stuff, starting with my thyroid (which if we remember "broke" when I was a kid) as our bodies change as we age and hormones get wobbly as we age and so we're upping my dose a little and then in three months if nothing has changed (there are some other potential low thyroid things going on as well) my doctor will refer to me to a specialist (endocrinologist) so I'm trying at it from that end.  As well as yes, I told my counsellor types, and Jason insisted I tell C-Dawg as well which was a horribly awkward thing for me to do "like hi ok I'm fine now but Jason wanted me to tell you that last week I wasn't... I... there were ... I had thoughts...."  UGH.  That sucked.

But for me, at least, in that moment there was no one I wanted to talk to about it.  I really really really didn't want to "bother" anyone or call anyone up "out of the blue" with that heavy of a statement, and I felt like the crisis lines wouldn't understand and I got really upset when Jason "threatened" to take me to the ER if I refused to go to his place to "hang out" (aka so he could keep an eye on me when I really just wanted to be alone in my own space).

When I was thinking about wills and estate planning and life insurance the other day it really wasn't related to what I'd gone through but I did say to Jason that maybe there should be checks on people who have a tendency towards depression who are looking into this kind of stuff.  But honestly it wasn't that, it was (ironically?) more my people pleasing that comes and hangs out with the social anxiety and me not wanting to upset people in what I hope is a very far away future time.  I get in these loops from time to time where I think about old age and not having a partner or spouse or kids or really anyone I'd "expect" to take care of.... whatever comes with that and the life insurance questioning came out of that.  (By the way I've got a letter sent off to the group insurance folks as their call centre asked for policy numbers I clearly didn't have so we shall see, but yeah I think I must have gotten booted out or maybe opted out, oh good, I'm getting anxious about it again NOOOOOOOOOO).

So, yeah, I'm ok enough, but that was a particularly awful few days and the month or so since hasn't been much easier for workplace type paperwork type reasons and stuff.

Apologies

I was thinking this morning that when I apologize here for not writing enough or not talking about stuff or keeping big things to myself, I'm really, I mean yes I'm apologizing to you, but I'm also apologizing to myself, because I don't talk about it much at all and so it's like I'm cheating myself out of processing and venting and maybe even clarifying.

I talk a lot to Jason sure, but if the issues involve him or would affect him I may not do so.  I talk to my counsellors, but that's a time by time thing, not all day every day, and plus I'm trying to focus on certain things there and not get carried away by ALL THE REST that life is.... you know?

So I'm sorry to me that I'm keeping so much in.  I'm sorry to us that I have so much to talk about and am not really doing so.

I can't go back and write out the things in the past... that time has gone of course.  But I'll say again as I've said before, I'll try here.  For my own sake most of all.