Ok Hi

It's a long weekend here, which is personally very much appreciated after the week I just had.

I'm delighted at how cold it has been.  It, of course, feels even colder because in winter I had my radiator on but I'm so grateful for these cold breezes and especially the cold at night - it means I'm more likely to be able to sleep .... one less thing getting in the way of that.

It'll warm up again, I know this, and I'll struggle, more than likely, so I am revelling in this.  In the extra blanket I rescued from the closet, in the hot water bottle I've had at my feet during the afternoon (on my couch) it is perfect for me, I'm happy.

This week was rough though.  I'll give you a summary....

Unexpected lip biopsy and stitches.  A giant pimple on my nose (making me look like I was in some kind of fight.. busted lip, busted nose....).  A sleep study attempt that had me not sleeping at all.  Like, not at all.  And the aftermath of that.  May not sound like much but it was.  But I'm ok, on the mend, got some sleep, enjoying cool but sunny weather and light into the evening.

Happy May Long weekend.  Hope you're good. 

I Got Stitches!

Ok that's totally a click bait title, but not untrue... tee hee.

I had a thing on my bottom lip.  Doctor sent me to an oral pathologist (I put off making the appointment for a few months, oops).  

The good news is that my extended health benefits actually covered most of the (not inexpensive) cost, yay!  (I was warned by the office that it might not.)

The thing on my lip got cut out to be sent to the hospital to get checked (just to be safe) and the doctor person put in three stitches from the biopsy wound!

It's weird.  Because I can feel them and have to actively remind my tongue to leave them alone.... and I don't really understand how things are supposed to heal and maybe there will be a scar and I didn't go in expecting this to happen but better safe than sorry I suppose?  It's probably nothing (or nothing serious I should say) but here we are.

So yeah, I got stitches!  And I wish I had a 'fun' story to tell but nope, just "they cut a thing you probably never noticed off my lip to make sure it's not cancer" yay?  In the limited research I did it never occurred to me that it would be biopsied and maybe a cynic would say that like that's what a pathologist is going to do, duh but I just guess I try to trust my medical team you know?   

I Wish

One small (to me) thing that I would like to completely eliminate from the world with the snap of my fingers is scented laundry products.

The laundry room in my building is a floor below me and the vent for it is vaguely near my bedroom windows.  BUT, the scents from that vent reach into both my bedroom AND my living room when the wind is low or whatever.  And you guys?  When someone uses a scent filled product I end up having to put my air purifiers on to try to eliminate the smell.

My neighbour recently picked up an exercise jacket (that sounds weird but it's a jacket made of like workout material, I don't know how else to explain it?) and she washed it before she gave it to me and the thing had been washed/dried with scented stuff and it got all over her laundry and made all her stuff smell.  I wasn't able to wear the jacket.  I sprayed it with unscented Febreeze (which is no longer available??????!!!!) and it didn't do much.  I sprayed it with vodka (as they apparently do backstage at operas and ballets?!) and it still stunk.

I ended up taking it to Jason's (on one of my increasingly rare visits over there) and leaving it there to "air out" for like a month or something and it finally ended up not stinking.  But it took months of trying to get rid of that scent.

I'm not great with scents as it is, but there's something about the laundry smells wafting unwanted into my apartment that I really hate.  

I'm sure folks would be upset by my snapping this out of existence but we'd survive you know?  We did before and we would again.  Sigh.  I really don't like it.  

Thinking It Through

We had a person at work suddenly resign and a temporary replacement started for that position this week.

In a rather unusual turn of events, I was somehow immediately like... comfortable with this new person.

They are (I think?) older than me, and male but gave me the impression and vibe that they are not straight.  And somehow that seems to have told my system that they are a safe person?  I feel comfortable with them (it probably helped that one of my favourite colleagues gave them a warm welcome so that set the tone of "good person" for me I guess?) But yeah, I'm sort of trying to figure out why I feel like this person and I could totally be work buddies when I have literally just met them.  

The awkward part I'm wondering about is that if I think they're gay, then they're not interested and therefore I can be friendly without it being taken the "wrong way"?  (I mean I'm not sure they're gay but....)

So yeah, that's been a bit of an unusual thing to think about.... 

The Wins

I'm still not really sleeping.  But the weather turned in my favour and for that I'm extremely grateful.  

I saw my doctor on Monday and when I mentioned I wasn't sleeping she asked why and to that I didn't have an answer.  Like, if I knew that I'd fix it, you know? 

Oh No

Oh I am in rough shape.

I haven't slept well since Wednesday of last week.  Or more accurately, I have slept terribly since Friday.  And by "terribly" I mean "it feels like not at all" and you guys?  I wake up wishing I weren't.  

It's been an awful few mornings.  I think (and hope) it's in part some medication changes I was trying.  One was a new to me allergy med (that I was trying for non allergy reasons, having been convinced by the internet it might help .... I know, that sounds terrible and un-smart but I did some research and figured it was worth a try.) that was a "non drowsy" and I wonder if that non drowsy part made me like non... sleep, but maybe it was just a co-incidence?  And another night was me being so sleepy that when I was in bed and realized I forgot my night time sleep-helping meds I thought "I'm sleepy enough I don't need them!" and then, well I didn't sleep.  Turns out I *did* need them.  (But on nights like that it's not like I think to get out of bed at whatever o'clock and take the meds in a "better late than never" kind of thing because my exhausted tired sleep deprived brain is somehow convinced I'll just fall and stay asleep "any minute now".... over and over.  I'm not smart when I'm not sleeping.  These things don't occur to me past like 1am or so.

And let's add on to those nights a need to sleep in the middle of the night which doesn't help anything and then a noisy bird with a shrill song that is trying really hard to attract a mate or claim a territory or something and somehow the tone of that birdsong is enough to keep me awake and this dude starts at like 4 in the morning or something and when I'm in my "dear god I need to sleep" mode it's just like ugh.

Without forgetting it has also been warm the last few days and as much as I try to cool my apartment and bedroom space with various attempts it just doesn't get to a cool cool temperature and that doesn't help me either.  

The forecast looks to be cooling off in the next few days and dear lord I'll take the respite but that means little to my anxious mind that knows full well summer is coming and there's no relief for a while.  Cool days here and there for sure, but nothing major for a while.  I don't know how to do this.  I feel like I've said that every spring/summer for the last few years and I keep trying but my god this is awful and it's awful to have that in the future.  I hate how hard this heat is for me.  I don't even remember right now what it's like to enjoy summer and warmth.  I try not to complain out loud to people because so many people love the warmth and the sun (and we don't even get THAT hot here) but I don't and I can't (at least I haven't figure out how to convince my body to yet????) and like I can't change where I live and the fact that I get the hottest part of the day's sun all afternoon onto my awesomely giant big main window.  I don't live in a house that is insulated and protected.  I don't even have the ability to open windows to get a cross breeze.  It just all is what it is but I hate that I feel so alone in my suffering even though people know I'm not a fan (pun not intended) it still all sucks.  And I can't just run fans and stuff all day because I can't handle the noise and I'm sure I've complained about this before but no that suggestion didn't help and no that idea didn't work and no I can't just X, Y, Z.  And no, my air conditioning unit helps but isn't doing what my air conditioner in my car does.  Enclosed space vs giant open room space.  This all sucks and I really wish it didn't.

And I wish I wasn't in this terrible of a mood and headspace from the lack of sleep.  

I'm going to try so hard this summer.  But I already feel like a failure who is suffering with no escape.  I hate this. 

Sigh....

The heat is here. (I'm typing this out a few days before it's forecast to happen.)

And, again, I'm aware that for many people this is a "FINALLY!" happy thing.  And as we know, for me, it's less so.

It's not really all that hot (to be) but it's warm enough that I'm concerned.   And angry.  

I'm mad that I made a note to myself to "prepare for summer" but didn't really follow through on that with anything different than what I've had the last couple of years.  (And what I've had the last couple of years hasn't been perfect.)

I'm mad that I will now spend the next few months monitoring heat.  Putting blinds down.  Turning fans and A/C units on.  That this won't be good enough for me.  That I will be resentful of the fact I can't have my windows open and sunlight blaring in while I toast away in the stiflingly warm weather (like my neighbour does.... she LOVES the heat... like loves loves it.)

I'm telling myself that this year I'm not going to worry about my plants not having enough light. (This makes me sad and worried for them.)  I'm telling myself that I won't worry about trying to save electricity (and the cost) by not turning things on "too early."

I'm vaguely considering buying a pair of A**le air pods with noise cancellation to see if maybe just maybe that helps with my aural overload where I can't handle the hours of fan and A/C noise it takes to keep my space livable. (Most nights I hit a point where I just have to shut it all off because GAH) 

This weekend I got all but my box fans out.  I put my blankets and things up on my blinds.  I rearranged my main space to accommodate the air conditioner.  Unfortunately last year Jason said he would update and perfect the window unit and so I took that portion over to his place and he's been struggling so much that it did not get done and so before I can actually use my unit, I have to go over to his place to grab it and y'all I have just not been in the mental headspace to do that (we don't really see each other much of late) but I kind of *have* to this weekend (that has passed since I'm setting this to post on the Monday) as it's going to be in the mid 20s and that's when I start to struggle.

I am hopeful that because we are still in Spring that maybe there will still be some breeze.  Ocean breeze makes and breaks my temperatures.... I am hopeful that nights will cool off enough to make sleep manageable.  (Yes the blankets have been put away, we're down to just regular and weighted now.)

I'm vaguely attempting what I call a "start before you need to" cooling thing where like I haven't put my bedroom blinds up in a couple of weeks.  I've been turning on the fan in my bedroom in the morning.  I'm kind of seeing if an approach of "try to keep it cool before it gets a chance to warm up?" might work or if I'm delusional, I don't know.

But yeah, when I woke up Friday morning (I'm typing this Friday afternoon just FYI) I was angry.  Angry and resentful that the next chunk of time I don't look forward to any more when I used to.

It might not get *stupid for me* hot this week.  It might not for another week or month or who knows.  I just wish I handled heat better (and yes I'm also attempting to look into how I might medically adjust whatever might need adjusted) and handled summer differently but hey, the good news is that the gym at least has air conditioning, even if I have to walk through the sun and heat to get there, you know? 

Ok

Ok, so where have I been?

Well, here, but not like *here* here.  (Writing here.)

A few things changed about three weeks ago.  Not big things but enough to sort of shake up my routine.  Well I mean my routine was shaken up longer ago than that but bear with me....

So I'd been going to my aquafit classes regularly, three days a week, and when I was able, five days a week, for a couple of years.  I really enjoyed it.  I made some social connections, I built up some strength and mobility and some cardio.  It always, or almost always lifted my mood.  Sometimes I didn't feel like going and sometimes I didn't go, but more often than not I'd talk myself in to going to the class and I'd leave in such a better mood.  The music was great (I'd often quietly sing along, good for the lungs and the spirit and soul!) and I have always loved being in the water and it just was the most fun I have had in an exercise situation since I took dance as a kid/young adult.

As you may remember, that pool closed.  The closure was at the start of March if I remember correctly and many of my classmates found alternate pools to do class in.  I did not.  I certainly THOUGHT about it and researched and had opportunity to maybe try out a couple, but I didn't.  Some of that was due to timing and what was going on for me personally at that time (family health scares and such) and also due to me having some down time that I used to do not very much beyond my basic "walk around my apartment" exercise.

After a couple of weeks my body made it really clear that this lack of significant and purposeful movement wasn't ok.  My massage person said it was the worst he's seen my body in a long long time.  

The place where I was using the pool reopened downtown in a different location.  This was about three weeks ago.  I've been a handful of times to try "land based" classes (you know, regular, non water classes) and I am so so missing the water classes and it's hard to convince myself to go even though I know I need it and my body needs it and my future self will thank me for it but I am not enjoying the classes.  Physically I feel so weak and mentally I feel so lame and "bad" at it all.

But it's also a slight shift in my routine.  The timing is different and so my priority has been adjusting to these attempts to do classes rather than attempts to sit and write in this blog.

I also have had a couple of medicine trials and ongoing just general life stuff and so if I don't sit (like I am now) to purposefully type something out on the weekend I don't seem to get to it during the week, so here I am.  At least for this.  For now.

So I've been here, I've been existing.  And adjusting.  So.. same old same old, but different.  You know?

The Difference

I have just (at the time of writing this, not at the time of posting this!) woken up from a nap.  A bit of a risk as it's the afternoon and I never want to mess up my night's sleep but that's not why I'm here.

I'm here because yet again, even as I was closing my eye on my couch with my phone alarm set, I wondered why falling asleep for a nap is so different than falling asleep, or trying to, in bed at night.

This time, I tried to think about the physical differences... it's light out.   There is some mild noise in the living room and outside.  The mental differences are that I know it's time limited (even if I'll likely set the alarm to do another round, which I most often do) and I know it's like.. necessary?  

But man oh man I sure wish I could approach evening sleep the way I do naps.  Sure, I'll try that tonight but I'm not expecting success!

Sometimes I wonder how long a day nap would last if I let it.  But that's a risk I only take when I'm unwell and know my body needs extra rest.  I did used to just nap and let it happen but having a shot at a good night's sleep is worth more to me these days than a long day's nap, you know? 

Another Complaint

I understand that birds are part of the natural cycle and so have to reproduce but do they all have to be so damn noisily annoying about it?  UGH.

(Seagulls, this is mainly about you but I'm not jinxing anything by mentioning other bird who have made spring annoying in the past!)

A Complaint

For the last while my (highway) drive to work has included a fairly long (I think) construction zone.  Long, I mean in length, not in how long it is taking - I don't particularly judge that part....

Whatever the regular highway speed, right now as it's a construction zone the posted speed limit is 50 km/h.  This is the speed I go.  Sometimes less if it's unsafe (rain and darkness I'm looking at you!) as is NORMAL and SAFE!

Most days I'm in the right hand lane going at or just under the limit and no one has a problem with it.  But the other day, for reasons none of us will ever learn, EVERYONE was going fast.  Like coming up behind me, going around me to then go ahead of me kind of thing.  If they weren't zooming along in the left hand lane, it was wild and unusual and felt really weird.

It's been a while since there have been police on my side of that portion of highway (I often see them on the other side) but man it would have been a great day for them to be on my side for sure! 

I hope next week we're back to being mellower in the right hand lane again... that was gnarly. 

Hiya

I'm here, I'm fine.  (Hope you are too!)

Another busy weekend that drained me a bit (one of those "I need a weekend from my weekend" kind of things but all good....)

Temps are warming up.  You know my feelings about this!  Big blankets came off over the weekend and I have a suspicion they might stay off, but... fingers crossed, you know?

Talk soon.  (I hope!  Not in a dramatic way just in a "I need to take the time and have the brain to write stuff way!"  We've been here before.) 

New. Ow!

I haven't managed to make it back to a pool since mine closed.  My body is sure feeling that.  (Not in a good way.)  And all this to say that I went to a "land based" class last week and ouch.

I knew when we were doing some squat exercises that I was going to hurt the next day and sure enough... ouch.  It's kind of a good ouch when you know it's muscles being worked (maybe for the first time in a long time) but still an ouch.  Legwarmers were involved in the recovery (I discovered I had thigh sized ones yay!) and now I'm back to normal but there's also another story to be told here!!

I have been debating other pools to try out for aquafit and all of them are a drive away for me.  Well one of those pools had an issue last week and I would have been at the end of a class and part of it if I had gone!

Turns out I was at home and got an alert text saying to shelter in place as there was an ongoing chemical exposure issue.  Now I'm not terribly near that pool but close enough that the text system included me and because they didn't (yet) specify the area I had no idea what was going on!  But it turns out (long story short) that two chemicals got mixed and a chlorine gas was released.  Eight people got sent to hospital with respiratory issues and the pool, of course, was closed as it was cleared out (however they did that, "they" being fire hazardous people) and was closed until early this week for investigation.  But you guys, can you imagine?  If that had been my first (anxious) go at that pool and that had happened?  So glad I wasn't there!

But still... I do miss the water, and while I know doing stuff on land is important (even the water instructors have said as much, if you're able) I do like being in the water doing that class, so I'm hoping I can get that back in to my days but right now I'm baby stepping it and just trying to get more movement back into my world in whatever way I can.  Without being judgey of myself.   But also glad everyone was released from the hospital and is seemingly ok.  And yeah all things considered, some sore thighs is much easier to deal with than having inhaled chlorine gas, eh?

Like Right Now

Sometimes I sit down to write and my brain just goes blank.

I mean not blank entirely (I wish!) but blank on what might be an interesting post to write.  Or what I'd thought to write about.

So until thoughts come back I'll just tell you what I'm happy about!  The last few nights have been cool enough for me to use my winter blankets again and I am very grateful for that.  I am trying my best to enjoy it.  

I have turned my main radiator off and as I said to someone the other day "I refuse to be warm!"

There has been a bite to the breeze the last day or two and MAYBE I could have put that radiator on but honestly I'd rather feel a bit of a chill than a bit of a "I'm too warm" knowing that heat is in my future one way or another.

It was also only last week that I was too warm at night so I'm really trying to be in these moments of spring chill.  Loving it.

This also reminds me that I accidentally got a vaccine last week!  Wait what?  "Accidentally?"  I hear you say!  Lemme 'xplain!

You may remember (if I wrote about it?) that last year when I turned 50 I decided to get (and/or make sure I was up to date on) whatever vaccines I needed. You also may remember (if I wrote about it?!) that a lot of years ago I used to be quite prone to chest infections.  Many moons ago my old doctor finally said "look just get the flu shot every year, it'll help"  But it's one of many reasons I've been quite concerned about Covid and such.

I also woke up on my birthday last year with a chest infection.  UGH.  Doc figured bronchitis but whatever it was (yes I tested for Covid of course) it sucked and so we got me a pneumonia vaccine once I was well again.  At that time my doctor said "and this time next year we'll do a second one and then you'll be done." (Or something like that.)

So I went home and put it in my calendar.  (Oh that reminds me of another story, yikes!)

Well that reminder popped up this month.  "Doctor wants to do pneumonia shot 2" and so when I was in for my B12 shot, I reminded her, fully assuming she'd say like ok let's order that shot and get you back in next week.

BUT what actually happened was she looked up my file and said "oh, ok I have that here" and then went and got the shot and I was like (mentally) wait what?  Because it's not like I'm bad with shots but it does help to sort of be mentally prepared that I'm getting one and I was NOT mentally prepared!!!!

But I got the shot and other than a red, warm welt around the shot area (It's actually still a little discoloured today, nearly a week later....) the only side effect is that maybe I was a little warm?  She told me I might have a fever but I never did, but I do hope my body is grateful for the care I'm trying to give it!

She also checked on all my other shots, including tetanus (and yes I re-upped my measles too, phew!) and all the good things and she said other than the yearly flu/Covid/whatever (and maybe RSV when I'm older) I'm good to go.  Yay!

I'm Going To Complan Now!

I am pretty sure there is a science-y reason to explain this but I'm still going to wonder about it.

Because why is it that I can be trying to fall asleep at night and struggle with that but then if my alarm isn't set I can keep sleeping in the morning despite having woken up enough to know it's morning?  I mean a lot of non alarm mornings, if I don't need to pee, I will actually have to force myself out of bed so I don't just keep sleeping and sleeping!  (Which if you've been here long enough you know I can sleep laaaaaate and have been working over years to stop doing that!) 

So yeah, yesterday morning I was lying in bed trying to talk myself through "just a few more minutes" vs "ok time to get up now" and I was really bummed that it's not that easy to fall asleep.  Can't we just shuffle the sleep back a bunch of hours?  Like fall asleep easily at, say, nine or ten pm and then wake up at 6 or 7 (work times).  I mean sure, I know this is partly how it works, I think I'm just wishing that morning "stay sleeping" could be transferred to "bedtime, fall asleep now" you know? 

To My Hoodie Sleeve

Dear Hoodie Sleeves (Particularly the left hand one for reasons I can't fathom),

I would just like to make it clear to you (both) that the ONLY time I need you to be wet is when you are in the washing machine specifically because I put you there for your ENTIRE SELF to get cleaned.

I don't need you to pick up water when I'm washing my face and I REALLY don't need you to grab any water at all when I'm doing dishes in the evening.  Like, I'm just cleaning up the kitchen for the night. I'm not trying to clean you or wash  you ok?

So please, pretty please, just stay out of water unless it's in the big old washing machine ok?  

Please and thank you,

Victoria who is typing this with a really damp and annoying left hoodie sleeve. 

Well That Was Not Fun!

On my drive home after work yesterday, for reasons that are unclear to me, my right shin was right on the edge of a cramp.

Yes.  The leg that I use for... you know. DRIVING!!!!??????

I said a lot of words and took a lot of breaths and was prepared to find a place to pull over if the cramp fully cramped, but luckily for me after about 15 minutes (yes a long time when you're nearly cramping!!!) it dissipated and I made it home safely.

I can't say that's ever an area I've had that particular sensation in and I hope I can avoid that in the future!  

I think the only thing that might have made it worse would have been if I'd sneezed.  Because there's always a moment of terror for me when I sneeze when driving because you can NOT keep your eyes open and that's no good when you're supposed to be keeping yourself alive in a vehicle! 

Shoulder Season Stuff

It was a long weekend and while not as stressful as the last "time off" I had, it was still full of family stuff and heavy convos which is why I'm not sure I'll get to posting much this week!

Weather's been weathering.

Heaviest blanket is I think officially off my bed although not yet fully put away... just in case.

We had a warm night (ugh, already?) but the next night wasn't.

One day last week I was about to write a post about how you can't dress for the morning temps anymore or else you'll be boiling by lunch, but then I went for a walk and needed MORE layers than not!

It's kind of the "if you wear a warm jacket you might end up carrying it but if you have a light jacket you might freeze" time of spring.

I also spent most of my day yesterday watching NASA's live feed of humans flying around the moon.  Wild!  It was so lovely to hear the exchanges made between Houston and the folks in space.  And to hear the voices of bright, kind, lovely women.  That was so special.

I waved when they shot around the moon and showed the earth peeking out.  I was in that video/photo!  So were you.   This made me smile.  All of us (but four*) in one photo.  All together.  On our speck in space.

Science is so cool.  And so are a lot of humans.   

Life is wild.   

*Edited to add.  I forgot there are some folks on the ISS, but the point stands IMO.

OoOoooOOooOoooooOoh!

I had an eye exam the other day and they dilated my pupils and it's been a while since that's happened and I forgot how terribly bright lights become (and of course it was a SUPER SUNNY BRIGHT afternoon) so when I got home and went to have a shower and a bath, I couldn't manage the bathroom light so I brought my "camping" (or power outage, etc.) lantern in and put it on mid-brightness so I wasn't showering in the dark.

And you guys?  The weirdest coolest thing happened!  I'm not sure of the science but maybe the lantern is LED (It's rechargeable... like a battery brand name, not a fancy brand or anything.) but when I got into the shower the water was like broken down into almost droplets!  Not *quite* that dramatically but the water was not normal!  I mean sure it was normal but something about that light source (and maybe???? my eyes?) made it so that it looked like fake or choppy or pixelated or some other thing.  I WISH I could describe it but it made me think about my complaint about certain headlights "wobbling" in my rear view mirror/periphery but yeah that was neat.

I didn't expect it but when I turned on the big tap for the bath it did a similar thing!  I was kind of able to capture that on my phone camera but not exactly but yeah, that was unexpected and cool and I wish I knew the science to explain it but I'm certain someone out there does.  

Whoops

I don't use my oven as often as some, but I have used it enough that it is not super clean in there.

A while ago (a couple of years?) I got me some baking soda and did what I could but it still isn't nice to look at.

I did some reading and because I don't want to deal with a chemical cleaner (Gah!) I ended up buying a razor blade cutter?  Is that the term? No, scraper.  A razor blade scraper tool. And I went to town on the parts I could reach.

It's very satisfying you guys!  

Parts of my oven now look a WHOLE lot better and cleaner and prettier (some spots I could not reach or they were curved so it didn't work.)

I also ended up finding a few slices I'd accidentally made on my arm (short sleeves) and hands that I didn't notice until I had a shower that evening.  Oops.  

So if you do end up using a razor blade scraper, don't be anything less than very cautious and careful of where it is and how you're holding it, ok?  Ok!