Mom? You May Want to Skip This One

I once polled my single male friends to ask them if they could tell when a woman they were with was having an orgasm. I mean, could they REALLY tell. And if so, how? While the resounding initial answer was "Of course! Duh! I am a manly man!", after a few beers, most of my guy friends admitted that actually they weren't really quite sure exactly all the time kind of.

You see, this is tricky stuff. We women are told time and time again Do. Not. Fake. Orgasm. Just don't. And I agree. And we're told to talk about sex, but don't talk about sex. Cosmo tells us to go wild and crazy. But some of us aren't built wild and crazy. Some women are shy in bed, some women are very bold. We're all different. Mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually. One thing we do have in common? All us womenfolks? We like orgasms. But? It's tricky. Morals and upbringing and religion and mental blocks aside....it's not always easy for a man and woman to be in bed and manage to get the woman off as much as she'd like. Or, sometimes, at all.

Any man who watches a lot of porn (guys in your early twenties, are you listening?) has a possibly unrealistic expectation of what their girlfriend is going to be like in bed. Rapturous moaning, wild flailing, shouting of "baby baby, yes baby" and screaming at the appropriate time. (ie. When the male porn star is ready to.. uh... finish) In porn (so I've been told, never having seen the stuff myself, ahem) the women orgasm regularly, suddenly, explosively, loudly, repeatedly, at the same time as the guy, without messing up their hair or makeup because he's THAT GOOD and a real man. Not quite reality. Why?

Well, some women aren't loud. They don't narrate or give play-by plays. Some women don't achieve orgasm through [fill in blank] or [fill in blank again] alone. Some women can't orgasm. Most women need more than a porn star performance. And? For most women there are emotions and feelings and thoughts involved because it's not a job. And it's not being recorded for profit. ( I know, sometimes it is, but come on, I can't get in to all the possible exceptions to the rules people!)

So it's tricky. At what point does a woman sit a guy down and have a talk about what's missing... or what's not happening? There's ego involved. A lot of it in some cases. And often, it's not that sex is bad or that it always has to end in a round of orgasms for all, but.. maybe it'd be nice. So? How do you tell him, and when? Early in the relationship perhaps? But what if you two just haven't had the time to get to know each other's ins and outs so to speak ( Heh, nice pun, I rock!) Once the relationship's been established a while? But then you're setting yourself up for stress and stress in bed is never good.

Some women will fake an orgasm instead of dealing with the whole "honey, I don't mean to crush your little macho man self image or anything but..." talk. From the hilarious, wine-filled conversations I can remember, I know that many of my girlfriends have faked an orgasm. Usually to get an inexperienced lover off of them so they can get some sleep already.

It's certainly not easy. Any of it. But I know which of my boyfriends could tell. I also know which of them couldn't tell and didn't seem to care anyway.

I also know that the one time I decided it was worth it to sit a particular ex down and gently discuss the whole "you can't really tell can you?" issue? It was tricky.

I got a hilarious phone call six months after he broke things off with me:

Him: "Hi, it's me." (He's very, very drunk. It's very very late. I haven't heard from him in months)Him: "I was just wondering. Is the reason I could never make you orgasm because you're a lesbian?"

Me: (Pause while brain processes what was just said) "Um... no?"

Him: "Oh." (Long Pause)
Him: "Could I get a blowjob?"

Me: VERY LOUD LAUGHTER.
Me: "Um....No!"

Him: "Uh. Ok. Bye." (Click)

Me: (Takes phone off hook. Shakes head at ex. Goes back to sleep.)

Sigh.

I guess for some guys, thinking that your girlfriend isn't into guys is easier on the ego than believing that you're not quite the stud you always imagined yourself to be. *shrug*


DISCLAIMER: To my family? I've never had sex as am still saving myself for marriage. This is all rumour and hearsay and.... and... look over there! (Runs away while they're distracted)