Thursday, 31 August 2006

Mom? You May Want to Skip This One

I once polled my single male friends to ask them if they could tell when a woman they were with was having an orgasm. I mean, could they REALLY tell. And if so, how? While the resounding initial answer was "Of course! Duh! I am a manly man!", after a few beers, most of my guy friends admitted that actually they weren't really quite sure exactly all the time kind of.

You see, this is tricky stuff. We women are told time and time again Do. Not. Fake. Orgasm. Just don't. And I agree. And we're told to talk about sex, but don't talk about sex. Cosmo tells us to go wild and crazy. But some of us aren't built wild and crazy. Some women are shy in bed, some women are very bold. We're all different. Mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually. One thing we do have in common? All us womenfolks? We like orgasms. But? It's tricky. Morals and upbringing and religion and mental blocks's not always easy for a man and woman to be in bed and manage to get the woman off as much as she'd like. Or, sometimes, at all.

Any man who watches a lot of porn (guys in your early twenties, are you listening?) has a possibly unrealistic expectation of what their girlfriend is going to be like in bed. Rapturous moaning, wild flailing, shouting of "baby baby, yes baby" and screaming at the appropriate time. (ie. When the male porn star is ready to.. uh... finish) In porn (so I've been told, never having seen the stuff myself, ahem) the women orgasm regularly, suddenly, explosively, loudly, repeatedly, at the same time as the guy, without messing up their hair or makeup because he's THAT GOOD and a real man. Not quite reality. Why?

Well, some women aren't loud. They don't narrate or give play-by plays. Some women don't achieve orgasm through [fill in blank] or [fill in blank again] alone. Some women can't orgasm. Most women need more than a porn star performance. And? For most women there are emotions and feelings and thoughts involved because it's not a job. And it's not being recorded for profit. ( I know, sometimes it is, but come on, I can't get in to all the possible exceptions to the rules people!)

So it's tricky. At what point does a woman sit a guy down and have a talk about what's missing... or what's not happening? There's ego involved. A lot of it in some cases. And often, it's not that sex is bad or that it always has to end in a round of orgasms for all, but.. maybe it'd be nice. So? How do you tell him, and when? Early in the relationship perhaps? But what if you two just haven't had the time to get to know each other's ins and outs so to speak ( Heh, nice pun, I rock!) Once the relationship's been established a while? But then you're setting yourself up for stress and stress in bed is never good.

Some women will fake an orgasm instead of dealing with the whole "honey, I don't mean to crush your little macho man self image or anything but..." talk. From the hilarious, wine-filled conversations I can remember, I know that many of my girlfriends have faked an orgasm. Usually to get an inexperienced lover off of them so they can get some sleep already.

It's certainly not easy. Any of it. But I know which of my boyfriends could tell. I also know which of them couldn't tell and didn't seem to care anyway.

I also know that the one time I decided it was worth it to sit a particular ex down and gently discuss the whole "you can't really tell can you?" issue? It was tricky.

I got a hilarious phone call six months after he broke things off with me:

Him: "Hi, it's me." (He's very, very drunk. It's very very late. I haven't heard from him in months)Him: "I was just wondering. Is the reason I could never make you orgasm because you're a lesbian?"

Me: (Pause while brain processes what was just said) "Um... no?"

Him: "Oh." (Long Pause)
Him: "Could I get a blowjob?"

Me: "Um....No!"

Him: "Uh. Ok. Bye." (Click)

Me: (Takes phone off hook. Shakes head at ex. Goes back to sleep.)


I guess for some guys, thinking that your girlfriend isn't into guys is easier on the ego than believing that you're not quite the stud you always imagined yourself to be. *shrug*

DISCLAIMER: To my family? I've never had sex as am still saving myself for marriage. This is all rumour and hearsay and.... and... look over there! (Runs away while they're distracted)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

*standing ovation*

this should be required reading for all boyfriends.

Thursday, August 31, 2006 11:50:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...


Thursday, August 31, 2006 1:37:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A smart guy will take mental notes through his dating years and learn to read the female body. I have been with women who cannot get off by sex alone, had to be oral, and some that got off very quickly. It never was an issue with me, but I do like to please my lady, so I try my hardest to have her climax first. Usually the guy can feel the "contractions" of the you know what when the woman climaxes, at least that has been my learnings.

Thursday, August 31, 2006 2:25:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Indeed! : )

There are certainly some guys out there who know what they're doing... I've had the pleasure of dating one or two myself ; )

ps. You said "you know what" *giggle*

Thursday, August 31, 2006 6:28:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

women can have orgasms?

Thursday, August 31, 2006 8:09:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

falls over laughing.

*pats jim on head*

; )

Thursday, August 31, 2006 8:11:00 pm  
Blogger Michael Colvin said...

Whoa! What a revelation! And I don't even have sex with women.

Well I tried 1986.

Now I'm wondering if I should track her down to find out if I did it right...must remove hand from phone...must...resist...

Friday, September 01, 2006 2:19:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...


Friday, September 01, 2006 9:36:00 am  
Blogger Urban Daddy said...

Too funny, and very well written.

Your puns rock!

It really is all a big game. The fact that the g-spot only started getting mentioned recently is prime example.

More real orgasms for woman!

That should be one of my campaign promises.


Friday, September 01, 2006 12:56:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I'd totally vote for that campaign! ; )

Friday, September 01, 2006 2:14:00 pm  
Blogger Saltyknees said...

I just ran across your blog this morning. Yes, I am at work ... (*grin*) I have an office which MUST be kept locked (*double grin*).
Anyway I love your musings. All of them I read so far ....
On this female orgasm issue, with some, I could tell, others not. And yes it matters to me. How could I tell? My first wife would, uhm "express". A lot. Actually, that kind of spoiled me later because I thought for a while that women who didn't ... "exzpress" ... didn't chieve orgasm. And my profound apologies to them.
What am I getting at here?
I just wanted to let you know that I like your Blog and have bookmarked your page for regular visits!
Chris in Ontario

Tuesday, October 24, 2006 7:59:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...


Uh.. about the bookmarking n stuff... yeah...

uh... and cool about the locked office uh...

um... and uh... express.. yes... um... good. ok.

Well, at least you care. And are aware. Ooooh, rhyming!

I'm not at work this morning. Dentist appointment. Wheeeeeeeee! (the not at work part, I mean)

Tuesday, October 24, 2006 10:42:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You feel her heart.

One of the most beautiful thing in the world is the feeling of her heart thumping after her orgasm as you hold her and then the thumping slowly subsiding in the afterglow. If you don't hold her, you will miss this wonderful experience.

Her heart can't lie.

Thursday, December 21, 2006 1:02:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...


Thursday, December 21, 2006 7:49:00 am  
Blogger Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

Great post, and a great one for guys to read.

I know I'm a very fortunate, orgasmy woman and haven't had to fake one. I'm a bit loud and moany and made guys think I'd had one when I didn't (before I'd ever had one), but it wasn't intentional;>

Thursday, January 04, 2007 5:24:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

: )

I giggled at the "loud and moany" part woo woo :D

So glad you're a "fortunate, orgasmy woman!" wooo hoooooooooo!

*high fives ya*

Thursday, January 04, 2007 9:56:00 pm  

Post a comment

<< Home

Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2020 and then some.) Kay? Kay.