Thursday, 18 December 2014

Stressed, I Guess

Had another Burning Man dream this week, was it Monday morning?

My parents and I were on a driving road trip in the States and then my Mom had to drive me to Burning Man where I'd catch up with Connor and everyone to camp with them.

Mom was mad as she was driving, not sure what about, but she kept blasting through the ranger stations in the parks we were supposed to stop at (maybe like the one border crossing going into California where they stop you and ask you if you have any fruit or something?) and I kept getting worried they'd chase us. 

And then we got to Burning Man kind of, but had to stop at the mid way station (no such thing) called "Hummingbird" which was totally like a ski lodge border crossing type building.  And I was getting more and more worried because Connor wasn't responding to my texts, nor was anyone else but I didn't want to have to camp by myself.  And then my Dad joined us because he had the second car (huh?) and they mentioned how everyone there seemed "so normal" and I was happy they'd noticed that, and then I ran into an old couple I recognized and gave them a hug even though they didn't seem to remember me from last burn.

Then as I was worrying, I realized I had all the gear and water to camp by myself, just not food or shade and so I figured all in all I'd be ok even if I didn't manage to connect with them and then I woke myself up because I was getting more and more worried in the dream.

So...yeah.  I guess my brain is finding ways to explain some stress or something... but the moral of the story is... don't get separated from your camp mates?

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Intention

The background of my brain is often working on figuring things out and for a while now.... a couple of years certainly, it's been trying to figure out how I feel about my photography.  And also a bit about my art.

I got most of the way through a 365 art thing this year and did an ink drawing a day in October and parts of November, and I'm doing an ink drawing a day again for December.  And I'm trying to figure out what kind of photography I ... most want to pursue... or fall naturally towards or how to improve it or where I want to go with it or do with it and what does it all mean anyway sort of general unease.

The ink drawings I'm doing right now (sixteen or so days in) have been a single line drawing.  No real reason, I just started playing with the idea of not lifting the pen off the paper and the result was cool and I figured why not go with it for the month.

And then Saturday night I added some watercolour to the drawing I'd done and while it didn't quite work the way I'd envisioned, it was a cool experiment and a good starting point and it didn't bother me too much because I hadn't been that invested in the result anyway.

Which, I realized with a bit of a mental thud, is very different from how I'm approaching my photography right now.

With my photos?  I want them to be good.  At least good, I'd be happier if they were amazing or great but I want them to be good... and I get disheartened when I don't feel they are.

Whereas with the art I've done this last fifteen or so days, I haven't cared if it's good, I've just been playing around and trying to keep up with the challenge of doing some drawing every day.

It feels different, and it's not making me unhappy, so I'm trying to figure out if/how I can apply that to my photography.

Part of it is that I feel it's much easier to play around and experiment with pen and paper or other media than I feel it is with a digital camera.  I mean... what am I supposed to "experiement" with?  Making things blurry?  Dark?  Light?  Angles?  Doing weird editing?  I don't know...

Maybe I should make myself a very odd assignment for the rest of the month... like... a photo a day that's edited to look purposely fake.  Remembering that by "editing" I don't mean photoshop (I don't own photoshop or know how to use it) I just mean, make it too dark or purple or.... sideways or something, I don't even know what I mean... and maybe if I just get used to posting photos (that's part of the art thing, I'm sharing them, although not sure anyone's actually looking) that I "know" aren't good it might help?  Somehow?

But there's the part of me that remembers the conversations I've had with Jason about how as a professional photographer, he's very selective about what he puts out there, only his best work goes out. 

I'm not a pro.  I don't even know if I can call myself anything other than someone who likes to take photos for fun (it makes me cringe when Jason suggests I'm a "hobbyist") so do I care if I put out things that aren't "my best"?  Should I?

I don't know...

There's just something for me to look at and figure out about the difference between feeling stuck in my photography right now and feeling free in my art.

I'd like to find a way to take that free feeling into my photography.

Even if that only makes sense to me.

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Tuesday

"Tuesday" sounds weird when you say it a few times.  Tyuusday.... Tchyousday...Chooseday...

Anyway...

Random weekend roundup: 

I had another Burning Man but not Burning Man dream that involved forests and the ocean, so really it was probably just a lot of fun people camping but my dream said it was Burning Man and my campmates and I (who ended up being co-workers and bosses, go figure) decided to go into the water to keep warm from the rain and my flip cell phone's alarm kept going off.  Yeah.  Ok.

There was some beautiful Sunshine Sunday.  That was super nice.

I bought a steak that was on sale and so extra giant huge and had lotsa steak this weekend.  With baby potatoes.  Nom, nom, nom.

I've also come to really enjoy "holiday" peanut M&Ms for their boost of chocolate and hey, let's even pretend they're healthy.  Ha.  But why bother calling them holiday when really red and green are, let's just be honest, associated with Christmas?  So who are we trying not to offend?  Not that I mind, I just sometimes try to get in the heads of the marketing people.

One of my nails is right on the edge of breaking badly.  (Heh... tv show about my nails, awesome) and it's the middle nail of my right hand so it's getting used a lot because I keep forgetting it's in rough shape.

I... didn't actually mail Christmas cards this year.  I've wanted to stop for the last few years but I think I might feel badly if I get many cards.  So far only one so I'm not too bothered but... we shall see.  It's... odd not to participate in that little ritual.

I had a Christmas related sobbing breakdown cry this weekend.  I'm hopeful that that's the only one I have to deal with this year but I'm not holding my breath.

I messaged a guy on the dating site because he had photos of him at Burning Man and then I noticed that he lives in the States so I'm kind of mad at myself for that.  Did I get my hopes up that he'd be my future best boyfriend?  Maybe.  Did I really want to start dating someone new?  No.  Am I still hoping things will work out eventually, somehow with Jason and I?  Yes.  Do I randomly find myself missing Jay right now too?  Yes.  Is it perhaps potentially partly the time of year and long dark evenings?  Maybe.

I still think weekends should be longer.  Like why not work two, weekend for five?  Sigh.

Monday, 15 December 2014

Knocking On Wood And Such Sorts Of Things

This time last year I was so so sick.

I'm kind of almost obsessively thinking about it because at work right now (don't talk about work!) people are dropping like flies with a cold that's just brutal.  And so far?  Knock on wood and all other luck producing type things?  I'm ok.

I was really scared of getting that sick again this year... I even debated back and forth about getting or not getting the flu shot because I got it last year and got so sick anyway... but... flu shot was had, and I've been trying my best to rest and get good sleeps and wash my hands and I don't know, I really don't want to get sick.

We all have some days off coming soon what with you know what being not too many actual days away and I'm somehow hoping that that'll be an end to the sick-spreading that's going on but I also feel like I'm past my "uh oh" days from last year so that somehow magically means I'm going to be ok?

I don't know... I just really don't want to get sick like I did a year ago.  I feel like it took my lungs half a year to recover from that.

C-Dawg's got whatever it is and so we haven't been to boot camp in a few weeks, which is maybe ok as it gives me time to make sure my leg injuries are well rested, but hopefully it won't be too brutal when we go back in the New Year.

So here's to being (so far) healthier than last year and the days very soon starting to get longer again.

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Saturday

All I can think of right now is that Elton John song where he sings Saturday.... Saturday etc. a whole bunch of times.

He sings some other stuff too, but it's only that part that's stuck in my head.

I apologize if it's now stuck in your head too.

Friday, 12 December 2014

Vacated

Sooooooo my brain didn't break, it just got kind of tired of having to keep up with everything and vacated the area.

I know this because I ran out of something last week, but I forgot to write it on my shopping list at the time but this week, when I was making the list I remembered that I needed it.

Except... as hard as I tried, I could not remember what it was called.  It was a type of oil... that I use for cooking... and it's kind of special....

So I wrote down the best thing I could think of and knew once I got to the store I'd remember.

This is what my brain gave me:

"Virgin oil"

Yeah.  That stuff.  You know?

Sigh.

Thursday, 11 December 2014

Uh...Ooops!

My radiators have been making a really annoying noise since they did something to our water system about a month ago.  (I have no idea what they did, it's an old building... all I know is the water was off for most of a day.)

This noise was keeping me up at night (earplugs be damned) and I finally caved and told the manager what was going on.

Anyway, long(ish) story short, they (being the heating guys) were finally able to come in to take a look (listen) yesterday.

At work at lunch, I got a call on my cell.  It was my manager, needing me to talk to the heating guy about the noise as she didn't know what it sounded like or whatnot.

I got on the phone with the fellow and started to describe the noise and how it was in all three radiators, but most notable in my bedroom.

"Which bedroom of the two?"  he asked.

Seeing as I live in a one bedroom apartment I was a little confused.

"I don't really think of it as a two bedroom... just the one bedroom and the living room?"

He went on to ask if I was the corner suite?  Yes.  Above the boiler room?  Not... really.  Big window? 

"Yes.  The big window by the blue couch."

"The floral couch?"

"Um..."

"Here, hang on, I'll pass you back to your manager."

Turns out, they'd accidentally gone to the right apartment in the wrong building!  Whoops!

I think all three of us were pretty confused for a while.  They were probably wondering if I was making up some random noise that they couldn't hear and I was wondering how my place had suddenly gained an extra bedroom... did my couch really look that much like a bed?

Anyway, knock on wood they seem to have stopped things from making noise and all is well.

The end. (Hopefully!)

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Judgy McJudgerson

I am a judgmental person.

I am.  I'd be lying if I said otherwise.  I see things or hear things or come across things and I have thoughts about it.  Negative thoughts.  "I'm better than they" thoughts.

But... I try not to do anything about it. 

Or, at the very least, I'm aware of it.

For example... I "un-hid" my online dating profile last week.  I don't really know why.  I don't want to date, but I'm not sure me wishing things with Jason would get "better" is particularly healthy either so....  But yeah, I "un-hid" my profile and got pretty discouraged by the whole thing.

And then (getting back to the main point of this already rambling post) I got a message that just said "Into couples? :)" and the profile led to that of a couple looking for "just fun."

And I judged.

Got into this self-righteous angry talk in my head about how that was just... ugh... why would they assume I wanted to sleep with them and I don't know, I just felt negatively towards them.

When really... no, it's not something I'm interested in, but I suppose if it works for them and it's all done safely and openly (no one's feelings get hurt, etc.) and they and the other person involved are totally ok with it it's fine.  Just not for me.

It probably doesn't make me a better person in any way that I don't think I'm interested in what they're talking about.

Maybe judgement is all about self esteem (I probably read that somewhere or something.)  Like, I mentally try to build myself up by saying Oh, they're bad/wrong.... I would NEVER do such a thing or I know better etc. etc.

I don't know.  I just was going to ignore the message, just delete it, but then I thought I should message back and just say no, but then I got on this thought that there are people out there who would say yes and I don't know how I feel about that.  But then again, that's like saying the fact that I get spam email about growing my pee-pee, or meeting hot sexy girls in my area must mean that those spam ads work?

Blah... I'm probably now just judging myself for judging others and that's not much cooler.

So, yeah.  I don't expect I'm going to start having sex with a married couple, I don't think that's my thing.

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Ok, Brain!

So I had this dream the other night/morning.  You know, one of those dreams that seems to go on all night but in reality is probably only happening for a few minutes or so?

Yeah.  So I was putting on a dance performance in my school.  (It was probably my elementary school because I used to do that kind of thing, except back then I'd perform on the stage with the lights and in this dream I was performing down on the gym floor if that makes sense, and no, I have no idea where the audience was going to sit.. you don't have to figure out those kinds of details in dreams!)

The one dance I had to perform was where I was Miss Piggy doing the dance that showed Kermit how much I adored him.  (Go figure)  And so I practiced the dance at the dress rehearsal (in my pink Miss Piggy dress outfit) and then realized I had to make a shoe decision.  Because I really wanted to show Kermit how much "I" liked him so he'd understand so I was trying to decide between tap shoes (they'd make a lot of noise) and pointe shoes (because they're pretty and hard to dance in) and so I had to try the dance again with both shoes and then I woke up and I still don't know what kind of shoes I should have worn but I'm thinking the tap ones suit Miss Piggy better?  Even though it wasn't a tap number?

Yeah... these are the things my brain thinks about apparently.

Monday, 8 December 2014

Rest

There's a special kind of tired I'm dealing with these days.  It's not a physical thing exactly.  It seems to start in my head and work its way down from there... more of a mental exhaustion than anything.

I went to bed at 9 Friday.  Slept right through til 9 Saturday.  Had a delicious moment first thing Saturday morning curling back under the covers knowing I didn't have to get up.

I have a lot of stress right now I guess.  Work, finances, Jason, life... and I'm tired.  Probably Winter blues, short days, fighting off everyone's colds and flu tired too.  Saturday night saw me heading to bed at nine as well.

Wishing I could just cry it all out, all the stress... bawled my eyes out at a tv show or two last week.  It helped, emotionally speaking, even if I did wake up with puffy eyes.

Saw the lighted truck parade this weekend too, made me think of Burning Man and all the lit up art cars.  Just a few more weeks until the days start getting longer again, that's a good thing to think about.

Frustrated with myself for a few reasons... that's a hard one.  But, anyway, it's another new day, new week, let's hope it's a good one.

Saturday, 6 December 2014

Through The Woods

Through the Woods


I'm walking through the woods with my heart
trying to step in the same spots he steps
so our impact
will be gentler
on the leaves
and the plants
and the things that live and breathe there

I'm walking through the world with my heart
trying to step in the same spots they step
so my impact will be gentler
on the people
and the lives
and the hearts
that live and breathe

I'm walking through this life with my heart
holding it so tight I can't breathe
because when I loosen that grip
let
someone
someone
in
it gets hurt
and it bleeds
bleeds and stings
and I run and thrash and hide away from the impact made
not gentle at all
on my life
treading carefully
treading gently
I'm walking through the woods
with my heart





Often with my writing, a phrase or thought or even an entire post will just start to write itself in my head.  Like, I can hear my voice speaking the words/story/poem/post and I will usually be able to remember it long enough to get it down on paper.  (Sometimes I lose it, but that's a whole other story.)

Often, with my poetry, I just get an opening or sometimes a first stanza.  Jason and I were out for a photo walk a couple of weekends ago and were in these beautiful woods.  He was walking off the path and I was carefully trying to step where he did so as to disturb as little as possible.  And that's when the first few lines came to me.

I went home and wrote them down and then just let the rest happen.  I had NO idea where it was going and still only kind of know what part of my brain wrote it.

It's an interesting process when it happens this way, that's for sure.

Friday, 5 December 2014

Totems

Back in the Summer, Jason and I were floating on a lake somewhere talking about the idea of totem animals.

I'd always thought I was a deer because of an experience I had twenty or so years ago, but when I told Jason this he said no way.  He saw me very much as a bear and when I looked up the symbolism of a bear as a totem animal, I was willing to listen to what he had to say.

A couple of weeks ago, we were talking about our totem animals again and that night I had this sweet, Disney-esque cartoon dream of a bear and a wolf who were the best of friends and protected each other when they were hurt/sick/hibernating (yay, naps!) and it was really sweet.

I told Jason about it and then I got really quiet.  Because all of a sudden I realized it meant we would never be more than friends.

I tried to explain this to him, through tears that a bear and a wolf (his totem) could never mate and so we would never actually be a long term couple.

Jason paused and told me that they did mate, they had to keep their bloodlines fresh, and I gaped at him.  A BEAR AND A WOLF CAN NOT MATE ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

At which point he looked at me...

"you know they're metaphorical, right?"

*sniff*.... oh

I don't know, I just saw it as this massively un-ignorable sign that Jason and I aren't meant to be together and instead it's just .... well, not that.

I don't know, this post is a bit of a babble because I'm touching on something personal and something a lot of people think is redonkculous but I just... it was important when it happened.  Both the sweet dream and the sad realization.

Maybe Jason and I aren't meant to be together.  I don't know.  Maybe we are.  I don't know.  But it'll be one of those things time will tell. 

And I don't really have any idea what I'm talking about right now.

Thursday, 4 December 2014

Uh...

I don't think I ever told you about the guy who tried to make out with me at Burning Man, did I?

Well...  I think it was Thursday night.  Whatever night it was that I'd planned on going to the Pink Floyd show and turned up early and didn't want to go by myself and ended up going home to see if Connor wanted to go, that night...

As part of my wanderings in the general area of the camp where they were showing whatever Floyd DVD it was, I wandered into the "Artery" camp.  (The main art support camp of Burning Man)

There wasn't much to see as it wasn't technically open but I wandered over to some lit up bubble tube kind of I don't even know what and was staring at it when a young fellow came over.  He made some small talk about the art and then asked if he could kiss me.

It was just a sort of "can I give you a kiss?" kind of thing and I figured maybe he was trying to kiss lots of ladies at Burning Man or maybe he just wanted a smooch so I figured why not and gave him a peck.  (Wait, now I feel like I DID tell you this story already... oh well, I'm telling it again!)

I went to walk away, my kind deed having been done when he asked me for another kiss.

It wasn't aggressive or anything and in retrospect I have to wonder if he was maybe on some sort of drug that made him extra smoochy but I just politely smiled and told him that just one more because that's all my boyfriend would allow.

He went in for a giant make out type kiss and I just gave him a peck and a smile and walked away.

I wasn't entirely flattered as I think he might have kissed anyone who was nearby, but I also wasn't unflattered, because, well, someone wanted to make out with me and that's gotta be an ego boost, and we'll just tell my not so nice voices to be quiet and take the compliment

So yeah, one night at Burning Man a young guy of questionable sobriety wanted to kiss me.  And I obliged, technically, even if not in the spirit he was perhaps intending.

True story.

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

Ewwwwww Mixed With Cool

Jason and I were on a hidden little West Coast beach the other weekend hunting down cool photos.

This was one of those beaches that was a mix of rocks and logs and twigs and pebbles and as we were heading back out of the mini cove, I saw something I thought was a weird looking piece of plastic.

As we got closer and I debated untangling it from the branch it was wrapped up in Jason saw it too and said "don't touch that."

I went up to the thing and realized it wasn't man made, but some sort of... organic... material and upon closer inspection, we're pretty sure it was a giant (no longer alive mind you) jelly fish.

It

was

nasty.

I mean, it didn't smell or anything, but it just wasn't right!  It was jelly looking but thick and seemed to have veins of some sort and was nasty gross looking.

Jason had warned me not to touch it but I asked him if I could poke it with a stick (I didn't want it to explode or anything) and ewwwwww it was gross.

It looked like it had come in with a high tide, been caught on the stick and perished when the tide went back out without it, but damn if it wasn't the weirdest looking blob of goo I've ever seen.

It was kind of like seeing the guts of something and made me wonder what happens to them when they die of natural causes...

Do they sink?  Get eaten?  Disintegrate?

Was some bird going to try to eat this goo blob or was it even edible?

I don't know, I made sure Jason took a photo and I kind of want to see if the photo he got looked like anything other than orangy brown jello with veins and plastic stretchy bits.

Yeah, ewwwwww, right?

P.S.  I googled it...

Tuesday, 2 December 2014

Shiver Me Timbers

It snowed this weekend.

Not a lot.  Just a tiny dusting that was enough to make me go OOOOOH and to freeze over and make the roads and sidewalks skating rinks Saturday morning.

The rest of the weekend was sunny and super cold and I resorted to blankets and hot water bottles when my radiators decided they were struggling too hard and took a mini vacation.

Had my first candy cane of the season too.  There's a store nearby that sells Allan candy canes in singles and I bought one and it's yummy.  Some candy canes are better than others, you know, and so I'm noting the name of these yummy ones for future reference.  Amen.

I also had a fantastic sleep Saturday night.  It was COLD and so I'd kept my bedroom window shut all day.  I got into bed and had fresh sheets (bliss) and two warm blankets over my comforter.  I also threw my deliciously cozy dressing gown over top of it all and, well, I was almost... too warm.  So, I opened one window a crack and freezing cold fresh air blew over onto me.  And that is how I have my best sleeps, I swear.  Freezing cold face and toasty warm body.

I had some delicious moments in the morning of rolling over and making new cozy pockets of warmth, but yes, I do love sleeping warmly in a cold room.  Brrrr....!

I feel like I would take these sunny cold days all winter, I don't mind them and the sunshine is lovely.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2014 and then some.) Kay? Kay.