Wednesday, 13 December 2017


I know it's only Wednesday, but I already feel like this has been a long week, and a not good long week and that it should really be Friday today.

Am just so.... not.


Plus, the sun starts to set at 3:30 these days and it makes me want to scream (and/or cry?) and it still genuinely confuses me.

Le sigh.

Oh, and Happy Hanukkah to my friends who celebrate it.  (Or even if you don't but want the good wishes!)

Tuesday, 12 December 2017

Cold, But Bright and Sunny!

I think most of us in town here would say we'd be ok with handling a Winter if it was like these last few days have been.

It's been cold (but not horrifically so) but super sunny (and therefore bright!)

It's been lovely (even if the sun starts to set at half past frigging three! ERMAGHERD!!)

So yeah, I vote for cold but bright days please and thank you!

Edit:  Now I'm singing "may your days be Sunny and BRIIIIGHT, and may all your Christmases be white!"

Monday, 11 December 2017

Potential Situation

Here.  Here's some pretty flowery things to look at with some bonus bokeh.  Yay, pretty, oooh!!!

Ok, now that the regular folk are distracted, I can be honest.  Guys?  We may have a situation on our hands here.

It's Sunday morning as I write this.  I had dinner at Jason's place last night.  I bought, he cooked.  I bought pretzels.  (Yes, again.  STOP!)  I ate some.  Jason didn't.  (Boo, Jason, BOO!)  When I came home, I left the preztels there.  On purpose.  On very much purpose.

Now it's now.  And I'm home.  By myself.  On a gorgeously, sunny Sunday.  But I'm all alone.  Completely.  As in.... there are no pretzels here.

Jason's not home.  I don't know if his roommates are.  I want to drive over there and break into the house and take back the pretzels and sit here on my couch crunching away at their gluteny, gluteny goodness omg y'all!

So, yeah, I might end up in some kind of hostage situation because I'm fighting with myself.  (I dunno, my stomach?  Tastebuds???)  And I might have to tackle that part to the ground.

Or... uh.. distract it with.  (Looks around apartment)  Uh... crackers?


*whispers like Gollum*  my pretzels..... my pretzels.....

Friday, 8 December 2017

Oh, Y'all?

Oh... you guys... I...  I ate an entire bag of pretzels.

*hangs head*

Not in one day, over a week or so but.... they were not.... gluten free. 


And no.  My body let me know from the start it did not like.


But you guys, really?  I love gluten so so much.

I love gluten so much I would marry it.  And have its babies.  And raise those babies to be fine, upstanding members of gluten society.  I love gluten that much.


But yeah.  I have to confess my frigging sins.

I ate an entire bag of pretzels.  That I bought.  Knowingly.


Thursday, 7 December 2017

Hairy Wood's Best!

What little superstitious type thing do you do that you're willing to admit to?

Me?  When I say "Knock on wood" I always follow it with "Hairy wood's best" and I knock both on whatever wood's around and then my head!

And yeah, I kind of think it brings me a little bit of luck. *smile wink emoticon*

Wednesday, 6 December 2017

Um. Ouch?

So I've talked a little bit (both then and now) about how my life sort of fell apart two or so years ago.

Saying it "fell apart" is a bit of an exaggeration because I still have all my friends, my loved ones, my car, apartment, job, and so on.  So no, my life didn't really fall apart but I think I'm at a place where it's honest of me to say that I did.

Some... perhaps many of you saw it coming for a long while.  I remember a commenter a few years back suggesting it sounded like I was depressed.  And I was mad at that.  Because I've been depressed.  Many years ago.  I was treated for it.  It was awful.  The treatment, that is.  So awful I said never again. 

But when you say "never again" and then don't work SUPER F*CKING HARD at changing how you ARE... it sneaks back in.  And while depression is a familar one for most of us.. and a sister to sadness or hurt or seasonal affective or whatever... anxiety?  That's a whole other ball game and one that was new to me when it slammed into me at 100 mph September 2015.

I can mark the start of my extreme anxiety back to that month, because I came back from the bliss of Burning Man that summer... very much in love with Max.  (Not 'madly' in love with him, mind you, just calmly, completely, happily in love.) And I went back into work the next week and bam.  My "life" as I knew it fell apart.  And nothing has been the same since.

I thought about it the other day and if I look at the two years since everything changed, I feel like my first year was just me sitting there half stunned going "how/why?"  I felt like that frog in the boiling water story.  You know... how if you put a frog in a pot of water and then turn the heat on it will not jump out because it doesn't know how hot the water is getting because it's so gradual?  (But if you tried to plop it straight into a pot of boiling water it'd just jump right out.)  That.  So my first year since "running into the brick wall of anxiety" was me going... woah.  Wow.  W.T.F?  I must be that frog, dude.

The other day I came up with the analogy of how I feel now. 

You know how sometimes when you hurt yourself you have the moment of the cut/bump where you don't feel anything and then you look at the cut/bruise and all of a sudden (seemingly out of nowhere) IT EFFING HURTS!!!!  You know that?  I feel like now I'm at a point of realizing just how much this "cut" actually hurts and how badly I am "bleeding."  You know?  So it's like I'm now re-stunned by how I feel and have felt.  Which is why I've sort of been only managing to post "I'm not really much more than ok."

Because yeah, on paper?  I'm fine, y'all!  Job, apartment, car, friends, etc. etc.  I am SUPREMELY lucky, I really am.  Well... lucky and hard working, because not a whole lot of this just fell into my lap... I worked for it and earned it, I really did.  But still.  I am aware and grateful that in the grand scheme of things I live a very blessed life.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  So on paper, I'm good.

But inside?  Nah.  Not... not so much.

So I'm sitting here staring at this metaphorical cut realizing it hurts a whole effing lot and I should probably get me some stitches or something and uh... that's a lot of blood pooling on the floor.  Whoops!

Tuesday, 5 December 2017


Just sitting here, watching a hawk on a tree. 

Why, what are you up to?

Monday, 4 December 2017

Comes Running Back In, Papers Flying Everywhere, All Disheveled

Hi!  Woah!  Sorry!!!  Did I not blog at all past Tuesday of last week?  I had no idea, my bad!!! Hi... hey. 

*catches breath*

So.... December, eh?  How's... uh, that going for you? 

Hey, here's a guy on a segway for you!  (Hopes they don't notice the mess/lack of posts ... again)

*backs away slowly while they're distracted to try to put things back into order*

Tuesday, 28 November 2017

Sigh. (A Common Post Title)

I continue to have a rough go of things.  I don't want to be one of those people who say "it's this time of year" but maybe it's this time of year?

It was two years ago that Max ended things and my life went very much sideways (and still has not re...straightened.)  I mention that because yesterday Max followed a social media (photography) account of mine so he popped back into my head.  Sigh.  *I* personally think it was just a co-incidence, but Jason's suggesting it's got some kind of bigger meaning.

Nope.  I think he came across photos, followed the account, not knowing it was mine.

Nothing else makes sense, and no, I don't want him back anywhere near my life right now thank you very much.  No one for that matter.  I want no one particularly anywhere near my life right now.

And I was watching an episode of "Transparent" (this is a TOTAL aside) and they used songs from "Jesus Christ Superstar" (the musical) and now they are FULLY stuck in my head.  Like... fully.  So totally fully.


Monday, 27 November 2017


I'm disappointed by this post because it means that nice, satisfying number of posts I had yesterday no longer exists.

3310 isn't too bad to look at but still.

And hey, it's always fun to make a post out of absolutely nothing!

(PS  "Everyone" had bacon for breakfast yesterday... in their own homes or out for breakfast and I didn't and I'm still pouting about it.  The end)

(Double PS  That's a screen shot.  It looks... funny to me...)

Thursday, 23 November 2017


After this last week, I will be adjusting (as best I can) my grocery shopping times to best avoid the frenzied shoppers that are already (claustrophobic-ly) all over the (damn) place.


That there was some madness this week!

Wednesday, 22 November 2017


I find myself wordless again this evening (it's Tuesday night as I write this) after an unexpected emotional hit that left me in tears and empty of other thoughts.

I sometimes wish I could cry more, even if that's a strange thing to say, because there are some times when a cry that's that deep and honest can really make you feel a lot better.

Does that make sense to anyone else?

Tuesday, 21 November 2017

Weather or Not

I think most of us here have adjusted to the "new weather normal" of... well, this weird version of Fall we seem to be having.

Sure, it doesn't feel like snow's coming anymore and we're back to the rains we're used to but it still feels that much colder than we're used to for now.  You know?

Environment Canada still seems to miss more often than not with their Weather Warnings.. predicting storms and things that seem to slip past us.  I don't know.

Weather's weird.  We all know this.  I mean, I was driving home from a friend's the other night and it had been bucketing rain down all evening.  Wind and rain and a serious Autumn night.

By the time I got home (a little over a ten minute drive away, not far at all) it was barely dripping.

So was there just a cloud hovering over my friend's house, cartoon style or what?

Le sigh.

I love weather.  But I sure don't understand it.  And I'm not sure years of study would change that all that much!

Monday, 20 November 2017

Oh, Y'all?

I'm not doing so well.  Or great.  Or... whatever.  I'm just not.

I'm not saying this to worry anyone, but even saying that is, ironically part of the problem (my over-arching, unhealthy "need"/desire to protect everyone from everything... including my perceived... self?)

I don't think there's any great need for worry on your part... (as in, I'm not at any great risk of immediate death sort of thing) but yeah, I feel like all aspects of my life, health, self, etc. are in a really un-good spot.


It's been a rough couple of years.  As I've sort of alluded to here and there.  But this last month has been beyond whatever level of difficulty I was already dealing with.

Part of that is my stuff, part of that is the struggles of Jason.. who has been a solid friend and touchstone (or whatever we call that kind of person) for me through these struggles of mine.

I can't/won't speak of what's going on for him as it's not my place to do so, but it's hard on him in a way I'm trying to support him through, but it's taking a toll.  (No, that doesn't make sense but I'm at a loss as to what to say here... you know?  Not my story to tell.)

So yeah, I'm not doing well, and I don't even like saying that "out loud."


Saturday, 18 November 2017

I WUV YOU!!!!!

Hi all,
Just discovered Yahoo hasn't been notifying me of comments for several months, so I may have missed a bunch of your comments!
I wasn't ignoring you, I just didn't know. Sorry!

*runs off to read stuff*


I'm not a violent person but I really want to punch out the Time Change.

Or, you know, maybe find someone to punch it out for me cuz I don't know how to punch and would rather not accidentally break my hand or knuckles or something.


Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2017 and then some.) Kay? Kay.