Monday, 14 May 2018

The Internet Age

One of the things I've always been aware of, and tried to manage in what may only be a token way, is not revealing too much information about myself online.

Like some of you, I've been online, or using the internet, or whatever we say, for far longer than FB has, or even google.  I've been online since the days of BBSes and chat rooms and dial up.  (I know, some youngster just gasped, right?)  And in all that time, I've always wanted to keep my *self* self as private as possible. 

Perhaps it stems from starting out all those years ago (decades???) when it was new to all of us and it was half expected you were lying.  (ASL?  Female, 22, Los Angeles cuz doesn't that sound way cooler than whatever else?)  There also wasn't much in terms of photo sharing back then... too much bandwidth involved... or something like that, it wasn't really a thing. 

I know when Facebook gained traction and popularity people were all excited to find their friends from highschool they'd lost contact with, or something like that.  I?  Wasn't.  I was happy to be in a different town and away from that.  And I had addresses and emails for the few I did want to keep up with.

When I started a blog, I didn't feel like having people from highschool, or work, or family reading whatever stupid, or private thoughts I wanted to share, so I made an anonymous blog, just like all of my other online ventures.  I've talked about it a fair amount here, but I always made an effort to write AS IF everyone in my life would or was reading, and that meant there was a lot I kept to myself.  Most notably work, I suppose.  Because, yeah, I was also online for the start of the blog explosion.  And I watched people get fired from their jobs because of what they said on their blog.  We still see that with blogs and FB posts, but when I saw it happen "way back when", I made a mental note to be mindful.  I think more people should be really.  I mean, so your boss sucks and is a jerk.  Do you complain about them in the breakroom?  Probably.  Might that get back to your boss and get you in hot water?  Possibly.  But, to me, to post publicly "my boss is a jerk" when your profile lets everyone know you work at the McDonalds in Hovertown, well, that's going to get back to your boss, and you'd better hope you're ok with having that conversation.  "Yeah, Steve, you're a jerk of a boss and I've already talked to HR/corporate about it, I should have told you to your face first, but then I'd not have gotten those sweet, sweet internet karma points, you know?"

Anyway, I digress...  I've had a hard and fast rule about not talking about work.  To give myself another layer of supposed anonymity, but also to protect said work as much as possible.  Because yeah, I've had bosses who were jerk-like, etc etc but I don't think airing that publicly will change anything, and would just make matters harder and uglier.  But, man oh man, work has been such an integral part of what's to talk about in my world I kind of backed myself into a corner.  And then things in my life got weirdly worse and harder and I kept feeling backed into that corner... even Jason clearly said "don't blog about this, it'd be a bad bad idea."

Jason, I have to hope, may have been overly cautious, but nevertheless, it's been a long while since I've written openly about my life, which means not much writing at all.  (As I've mentioned repeatedly, hi!)  And as I've mentioned a few times over the last while, I'm still trying to find a way to open up and talk about .... things.  But it's more of a big deal in my head than I'd like it to be.

But I also know there's a freedom in being honest about being human.  And that being honest also allows for connection, and I've discovered over the years, can also lead to helping others feel a little less alone.  Which is such a lovely, unexpected feeling.

But for me, unless there is a financial need for it (ie, I become a published author and so need to have my face/name out there, etc) I won't be starting a website blasting my name/photo... ASL, you know?  And if I do, at some point, choose, or am "forced" to put myself out there, I imagine I'll hate it and will cringe and wait for the sky to fall and then after a while, notice that no one really cares.  (I figure)

Still... the internet age is weird.  I'm not thrilled to be living in it, although I *am* thrilled to have existed before it.  It's confusing to me how many people are seemingly surprised and shocked by the revelations of this "data breach" or that "information loss" and are horrified at just how much we are tracked.  And how much about our lives is known.. in databases all over the world.  Sure, it's cute to see photos of your puppy and for us to connect over a band we both love, but... well, anyway, this is more of a discussion than I feel like getting into on a Monday morning, you know?

Not sure what the point was of this post, I think I got carried away on a train of thought or two somewhere in there.

Have a good week, y'all.  I hope to talk to you sooner rather than not, but no promises!

Monday, 7 May 2018

GAH!!!

Okokokok so I really don't want to talk about this because I might vomit but I'm going to talk about it because, well, I just. GAH!

It's not actually really a big deal, I'm just currently in the aftermath but I bought some raspberries Saturday and when I went to rinse them off there was a bug!  A long like.. meal worm, caterpillar legs bug!

I didn't eat it, I didn't even take them out of the container and I'm all like yay, no pesticides or something but still.  I WANNA PRETEND ALL FRUIT IS PURE AND CLEAN AAAAAAH!

I think it might be worse for my brain because raspberries have that hole in the middle and you know, maybe... things... hide, but I always wash mine but now maybe I should just never eat fruit again!

No, no, it's ok... it's ok... and um, yeah, I just... there probably were pesticides but now all I can think of is bugs and bug germs and little bug feet and I know it's just nature but I just wanted some fruit man!

So now that I've talked about it, we're not talking about it ok?  K.  Cuz I don't wanna vomit and the more I think about it the weirder my stomach feels... LALALALALALALALAAAAAA

Tuesday, 1 May 2018

Pay No Attention To The Man Behind The Curtain

Look, it's a blog!  See!  And this here is a post!  (ooooh)  With a photo! (aaaaahhhh)  And, you're reading words right now.... that were typed out just so you could read them!  WOW!  I know, right?

(Also, I'm totally trying to figure out what it is that's reflected in this puddle... streetlight?  Pant leg?  I think I see a wheel?)

(Double also, I sneezed so hard and out of nowhere that it actually knocked me into a wall, so that's a thing apparently)

(Happy May!)

(Updated to add:  I went and blew up the photo... it's the edge of a sidewalk and a telephone type pole with a white wire of some kind.  Ta da!)

Monday, 30 April 2018

Keeping On

Some days I want to sit down and write a post that says I AM A F*CKING MESS!!!  And detail all the shit that I'm going through.  Then the next day I think, oh dear, don't write that, you can't take things back once you've said them you know?

But ugh.  I'm seriously feeling like such a bleeping mess, I really am.


Friday, 27 April 2018

Oh Dear...

Well, I've had my first "too hot" of the season.   Uh... out of nowhere.  Yep. 

I mean, sure, it's Spring... but... no.  It's not been.

Jason likes to say "we don't get shoulder seasons anymore" and I'm suddenly realizing I know what he means. 

Sort of.

As in, we haven't had much Spring like weather so far this year.  We've had a few nice, sunny days, but it's been a bit chilly.  Not... cold, but not Spring-like either.  And I just kept saying "well, it's still early Spring", right?

Kind of?  But not.... really?

So then when we had a couple of nice days here this week, I was sort of suspicious.  Because the sunny days we have had haven't been warm warm.  They've been "I'll bring a hoodie, and probably not need it" followed by a "oh, I guess I need a jacket, damn" kind of days.  So two days ago it was a sunny day, and apparently warm.  Jason and I went and had some food and a drink on a patio, but in the shade.

We then spent an hour or so in his backyard, but I wore a hat, drank water, and stayed in the shade most of the time.

And I somehow got heat sick that night.

Like, actual sun stroke kind of sick... from it just being... warm?  I have no idea.  But then yesterday it was 24... more than double what it's been the last while.  Out of nowhere.

I did better, dressed for it, etc etc but what on earth y'all?

I got heat sick I think, honestly, because my body was so shocked by the sudden change from cold-ish to kind of hot. 

So yeah, I didn't get a sunburn, which I've done at this time of year before, but I still got unwell from the heat/sun.  Le sigh. 

And it's apparently going back to rain and "chilly" tomorrow... (today?) so who knows.  It may be back to boots and blankets again.  But for today at least, I got my sandals on and turned my heater off...

No idea how this Spring/Summer's going to go, that's for sure.

Thursday, 26 April 2018

Shock

In the dream I just had, my Mom had died.  As in, she didn't die in the dream, but had already died... but recently.

The dream was my Dad and I spreading her ashes.  Which we did by going to the beach and laying them in a little sailboat and sending that sailboat out to see.  We knew she'd love that, having loved sailing so much.

The boat capsized fairly quickly, and I was frustrated that I'd put two of my towels on it, because now I didn't have a towel, and really, we should have thought that through.  I stood watching the now upside down boat, thinking "well, her ashes are spread" and an older gentleman came by and exclaimed at the still salvageable boat.

I explained we were spreading my mother's ashes but that that was kind of done now so he was welcome to swim out and rescue and keep the boat if he wanted, but he chose not to and walked away.

I realized then, that I hadn't really told anyone in real life about my mother dying.  Not even C-Dawg.  And so I realized that as I was waking up, I was going to have to make some calls and that I just so so missed my Mom.  And I lay there, half asleep, calling out for my mother, and crying for her having died.

It was a slow wakeup and rather unsettling to realize that no, she hadn't died.  Wasn't dead.  Was still fully alive.  I'm still pretty shaken; the feeling of having to let people know and accept she was gone was so very real.

It doesn't help things that my parents left on a small cruise yesterday (but does somewhat explain the boat/loss I suppose... although my parents did love sailing back in the day) so I can't even go get a hug today.  It also doesn't help to know that feeling will most likely be true one day.  But... I won't think of that now.  Now, I just want to shake off the dream and have a day.

Wednesday, 25 April 2018

Still No

Still just exhausted and feeling at the end of my rope.  Which, don't feel the need to comment nice things... that's not necessary.

I'm tired.  I'm drained.  I also didn't want to leave the page/blog blank, so here we are.

Hopefully a good night's sleep and all that jazz and it's still not Friday is it?

Sigh.

Tuesday, 24 April 2018

Hot Dang

Sorry, was busy all yesterday fighting the little ant guys who seem to have noticed I turned my back for a second.

THIS IS NOT THE DROID YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!  (or whatever you scream at ants)

Bugger off.

Monday, 23 April 2018

Is It Friday Yet?

Well, I had a good weekend (thank you sunshine!) but I overextended myself a little.  Not in a bad way just.. I'm tired.

Jason asked me to come on a photoshoot with some friends of his that were visiting (and so that's always tiring for an introvert) but they were a really nice couple so they asked if we wanted to go to a show with them that evening, so we did, (which, again, is tiring for an introvert)  The show wasn't my style, but I stuck it out, drinking my water, and crowdwatching, and then I headed home, all wound up (as it goes for at least this introvert) and so Sunday was a low, slow day and now I need a weekend.

So, anyone willing to make this not be Monday?

Saturday, 21 April 2018

Well That Didn't Help!

A while back, Mazda informed me that there was some sort of safety recall on my vroom vroom.

It had to do with the... uh... seat fasteners?  Like, the part that fastens the seats to the bottom of the car?  I dunno... but I dutifully took it in and had them fix the whatever.  Done.

Except now I can't see.

Ok, that's a little bit of an exaggeration, but the "fix" they put in raised my seat just enough that I have a really quite severely reduced field of vision... or whatever the term is.

Now, the side.. uh... thing, where the windows meet?  (There's an airbag in there apparently) blocks things ALL the time, and more importantly, my rear view mirror blocks cars at certain angles.  As in, there's a four way stop near Jason's place and the street to my right is at a slight angle/incline and I missed seeing cars there a few times before I realized... damn... my car is now blocking my view of a lot of things. 

I also noticed that if I lean towards the side, I almost hit my head on the roof, so either I grew a good few inches (I wish!) or this "fix" of theirs changed the height of my seat a fair bit... and also reduced my visibility.

It's something I clearly have to get used to (no, there's no way to lower my seat) and be more aware of but it's also pretty frustrating and more than a little disappointing.  But hopefully the whatever they fixed is all better now.

Sigh.

Friday, 20 April 2018

Gal Dangit!

I have this... shoulder thing going on.  My kinesiologist type trainer person says I shouldn't call it an "injury" but I have no idea what else to call it.  My shoulder's been messed for months now... probably six. 

I don't remember a specific thing happening... as in, I didn't lift a car off of a child and then go OW, that hurt my shoulder!  I do remember some pings during training (screw you pushups) sessions and then noticing a restriction of motion and then being unable to lie, read or sleep on that side and so on. So.. yeah, I have this shoulder... thing.

I started having people work on it a few months in since it wasn't just going away and so now it's not worse.... but it's still not good and no one has been able to put a clear diagnosis on it.

I mention it, because this morning, one of the most frustrating things about it happened.  And that is, me, in bed, rolling over for a "few more minutes" and something about the movement messes up the shoulder and so I'm in immense pain, from doing nothing.  Like, really?  I rolled over to keep being asleep... what?

So yeah, bizarre, unasked for, seemingly unearned shoulder stuff sucks.  Especially when all I did was try to sleep for five more minutes.

Come on body, we're in this together!

Thursday, 19 April 2018

Sprall

Yeah so.... Spring?  Not really.  Not lately.

I turned my radiator off and then turned it on again when I got home and it was freezing in my place.

Was out walking and thought "this is like Fall out here"  Sigh.

I mention this because there's been some really weird weather in the world (or at least North America) this week.  Snow.  Floods.  And yet there are still many who are not concerned over global weather changes.  Sigh.

We certainly have Spring like blossoms and such and the sunny days are gorgeous, but there are also long weeks of rain and the warmth has not really appeared. 

So, I made up a name in my title.. Spring/Fall.. Sprall.

Not trying to rush anything, just saying, it's not yet as Spring like as most of us would like.

Wednesday, 18 April 2018

Writ

Jason, from time to time, mentions that he has someone he'd like to show my writing to.  As in "you're a good writer, they're looking for a writer, can I show them your blog?"

And every time I'm like NOoOooOOO!! 

It's my private blog, I say every time.  Private, as in, I don't want people knowing it was me, etc. etc.  (We know the drill...)

But that does mean that there really isn't anywhere where someone could see my writing.  Which got me thinking (vaguely, hypothetically) about how I might parcel out this blog, or bits of this blog while still taking along the few of you I adore and appreciate, while still babbling here, but, huh?

So it doesn't get much farther than sort of semi vague thinking but yeah, I have no space, I realize, that I can point someone to to say "that"... "that there is some of my writing"

I mean, Jason's maybe just talking out of his butt, I don't know, but still... ten plus years worth of writing and I don't want to show it to anyone... funny, eh?

Tuesday, 17 April 2018

In Tears

I found this on reddit, I think and it had me in mega tears for quite a long while, so I'm doing a weird thing and sharing a social media share from social media on my social media? (I think it might format oddly, so apologies for that.

Monday, 16 April 2018

Blah

I've probably mentioned it before, but over the years, the best (and easiest?) way I've found of writing for this space is to sit down, usually on a Sunday (like I'm doing now) and write the posts for the week.  I used to do it religiously.  I've been less able to of late, for a number of reasons, but the main one being "blah."

As in... I sit down and all I think is "blah."  I feel it, I think it, I have nothing but blah to write about.

Which, isn't true, but just seems to be the timing of later in the day Sundays of late.  Blah.

This morning, I had things to talk about!  Now, not so much inspiration flowing....

I could tell you about the kinesiology tape (good lord I had to look that word up three times and blogger still tells me it's not a word!) I have on my shoulder/shoulder blade and how I'm really thinking (and hopeful!) that it's helping..... stuff! 

Or I could tell you about how I vacuumed today and cleaned the sink and made a new painting that's giving me a headache as it dries (how people work with oil I have no idea, I have a hard enough time with acrylic!)

I could talk about the ongoing battle with the mini ants in my place this Spring, but I don't want to jinx anything, or about the tv show I'm catching up on which is good but binge watching it makes me want to yell at the characters for constantly being so careless!

But, instead, I'm just going to tell you that I'm blah right now and that may mean not very much posting this week, but who knows... maybe I'll get a fresh wind (that's not the saying.. it's "second wind") and inspiration and all that good stuff.

I suppose we shall all just have to wait and see.... (cue suspenseful music, I dunno?)
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2018 and then some.) Kay? Kay.