Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Limbo

It sucks to wake up and instantly feel worried/anxious/stressed, it really does.

I'm trying to have fewer mornings like that, and I'm also trying to let things go.

As in... if it's meant to be, it'll work out.

I sent an email to Max to ask if he'd be ok if I decided to camp with his camp at Burning Man this year.  I don't honestly expect him to say yes, I feel like if he's not even able to say hi, he probably won't want to see me in his happy place, and I will give him that space if he wants it...  So that's out of my control for now. 

I sent an email to work people asking about the process of withdrawing from the financial thing, so that's out of my control for now.

Burning Man ticket sale information has gone out and there's nothing I can do but wait for the sale to happen, so that's out of my control for now.

I chatted with the fellow I contacted regarding volunteering for Burning Man and he's sent my name on to someone and says if I haven't heard from him in a month or so to send him an email back, so that's out of my control for now.

I can't go ahead with anything van related until I know what might happen money wise, and all the information I could or perhaps "should" sort through feels like too much right now so I'm avoiding that.  At least for today.

I guess it's a little bit of a limbo.  I'm trying not to stress over things, and I've taken steps forward and am now waiting to hear back.

I do still vacillate between thinking I'll just not bother with a van, or volunteering, or Burning Man, and then thinking I should try.  Each of them still feels really huge and overwhelming, so it's easiest for my poor brain to take a break, or "distract" as I put it, or utilize one of my "survival resources" as my counsellor puts it.  I dunno.

I suppose I'll figure it out or be forced out of it for some reason or another... we shall see.


Monday, 8 February 2016

Holiday!


Madonna - Holiday



It's Family Day.  Which hasn't always been a thing, but is now so yay for that.  Here's to couches and blankets all damn day if I want!

Saturday, 6 February 2016

But...

But what if....

What if I do it and it's awesome?

What if

a) I find the money and it's not a big deal to have withdrawn from that work thing because I'm so happy with my camper van and the times I get to take off for the weekend that I feel that much happier about things I don't miss having the time off?

b) I find a great van that's been taken care of and have it checked out and do all the upgrades Jason's suggesting for safety and comfort and durabilty and that comes out under budget and I have a really solid van that can do long trips taking gear and easily go down some of the not so paved roads we have here that lead to pretty sites.

c) I do whatever conversions to the van to make it warm for maybe Winter camping, but also cool for desert summer camping?

d) I do install a vent and an a/c unit and the solar I'd like to have and get another external solar setup for Burning Man and so it's never too hot in there anyway because I've managed to set it up to be able to be cooled without running a generator or anything?

e) I get someone to do the paint job I've already imagined in my head and it looks super cool and fun and makes me smile every time I see it?

f) I'm super comfortable driving it.  Maybe install a back up camera if that worries me, or, I don't know, extra mirrors or something.

g) I have the most amazing road trip down to Nevada by myself and then feel really proud for having done it?

h) I find out I'm really good at doing this kind of thing and start buying vans to reno and end up being able to make money from that?

i) I relax and trust that everything's going to be ok no matter what I choose to do and that if I go to Burning Man, or don't go this year, both of those choices or decisions will be fine.

j) I have an even better time at Burning Man this year than I've ever had before?

k) Having this van means I travel more and see more things?  I mean, I like camping, but it always feels like a huge deal to have to pack everything and set up the tent and tarp and all the rest.  Maybe with a van I'd just get some food, fill up the tank and go.

l) It turned out to be super awesome to just get to a camp site and not have to do anything?  Other than maybe set up a canopy or something?  To just arrive and be done.

m) I could sit on top of my van to watch the sunset (not sure what the imaginary van will have as a top, that's still under debate... high top?  pop top?  regular top?  I'd really like to have solar, and that may limit things.... I don't know... yet)

o) it all just works?

p) I can relax into this and enjoy it and be proud of myself and doing this?

q) it's one of those things I'd look back on in 5...10 years and wish I had done, rather then wish I hadn't?

r) I win or come into a lot of money unexpectedly and so worrying about the money isn't as big a deal as it might seem?

s) I find out that going on road trips and doing the driving myself is fun?

t) I do get accepted to volunteer for DPW and I take my sweet little car to the desert for a month?  she might die from the dust, or at least be less pretty?  wouldn't it be better and easier and possibly awesomer to have a van?

u) I do end up camping more because when people say "do you want to go camping" I know all I have to do is park my van and I'm super comfy?

v) this van ends up being the way I get to see the Grand Canyon?  because I've always sort of wanted to see it and maybe if I have this van that's totally awesome for long road trips and easy and great to camp with I could do it

w) oh, and Canon Beach in Oregon, that always looks super pretty

x) the bed my van would have would surely be big enough for someone awesome to come with me on my trips and share snuggles with

y) I enjoyed the process of buying, renovating, driving and camping in a van that I decided to take on as a project without having to check in with a bunch of people to see if they thought it was something I should do?

z) it's a really great idea and totally pulls me out of a lot of not happy thoughts and times?

Friday, 5 February 2016

Seriously?

A van?  Seriously?  I'm considering buying a used van?  ARE YOU KIDDING????

Because, no.  Just, no.  This is not in any way a good idea.

Because
a) I've never driven a van, so I probably will hate it and never feel comfortable doing it. 
b) I don't have the money, really to do it
c) I don't even know where I'd park it, nevermind work on it. 
d) I don't know things about vehicles and campers and it all seems like it'll cost way more money than I might be able to find. 
e) I don't know that I trust Jason as much as I'd like to as an expert on this
f) I don't really have anyone else close to me that I feel like I could even talk to about this, nevermind feel supported on about this
g) there's no point.  it's not like I could actually handle getting myself in this van I can't drive down to Burning Man, where it's clearly not going to survive the heat or dust and
h) how am I supposed to decide what kind of van and then to actually know if the person selling it is being honest or if it's a money pit
i) this is all just too much, I have too much going on already and no one is going to Burning Man this year because of the dollar so maybe I'm stupid to want to go
j) I wake up some mornings not wanting to go anyway so maybe I should just... not? 
k) am I really going to start going camping on weekends and things now just because I have this magic van that doesn't exist? 
l) the amount of things I feel like I have to figure out is utterly overwhelming.  I can't even start making a list because it's too much
m) ok, I started making a list about what I might want in a van, but it's clearly going to be too expensive
n) how on earth is any of this going to come together?  the money?  somewhere to put the van?  finding the van?  which one?  fixing it up?  making it safe and comfortable and all of the above?  HOW????????
o) what if it's all a disaster?
p) what if it ends up being a "waste" of money somehow
q) this isn't just as simple as "maybe buying a van", it's maybe find the money (sacrifice), and maybe find the "right" (there is no "right") van, and maybe somehow get myself to a far away place, and then maybe maybe be down there for weeks and then maybe camp with Max's friends that I know but don't really know and at what point does this sound fun?
r) I don't want to go to Burning Man by myself and I don't want to go with a stranger who might be awful
s) I don't want to do something that's going to make me feel and think this miserable for so long... can I do this and be like, this is so much fun and awesome and look I'm learning things?  I don't know?
t) I've made a list that's this long and I feel like I can't just stop now and really have to get to the end of the alphabet
u) the few people I've mentioned it to have all said... why don't you just rent a camper for this year and see how you like it?  Uh... because?  Money?  And... I don't want to?  And, there's a part of me that thinks it would be really really cool to drive down there in a van I made just the way I like it.  Like... I did that.
v) I really dislike how my body reacts when I'm feeling stressed and upset so I tend to avoid things that make me feel this way, and everything about this idea is stressing me, so I feel icky.  I don't think that'll change
w) there are too many decisions and I'm the only one who can make them
x) but maybe a teardrop trailer would be good?
y) if Max hadn't broken up with me, we'd still be camping together and I could probably just fly down to him... oh no, wait, I couldn't... I would have gone on the New Mexico trip and not have the cancelled flights to use... cancel that thought
z) how will I feel if I hate everything about the trip down and the week (or longer) down there and then have to come back to work and it's like I won't like that either and will no longer have the banked time off work coming up because I used it to make this van

So... yeah... that's what I'm up against.  Often from first waking up in the morning til the time I manage to get myself to sleep. 

Which means I'm considering and trying to deal with all of those horrible, not helpful thoughts while reprogramming the way I think about things, while feeling icky in my tummy (simplest way to explain my body's reaction to stress) and still dealing with all of the life things that are hard right now.


Thursday, 4 February 2016

From The Low

So I'm there, in this horribly low place, not seeing any hope or point in anything at all but because I'd set the wheels in motion for maybe doing this volunteering thing, my brain was like, hey, cool, let me worry (read: obsess a bit) over that! 

And so I'm stressing over this thing that isn't happening yet but that stress isn't helping me at all because it's just more misery.  Accompanied by physical discomfort.  (My counsellor and I are talking about this phenomenon/situation right now... it's very interesting.)  And on the second week of very bad days, I'm crying on the phone to Jason and I mention that I can't even figure out how to get myself to Nevada BY MYSELF because I can't.  I can't.  And I can't afford a teardrop trailer and my car can't tow one anyway.  At this point, Jason stops me.

If your car's not rated to tow, stop thinking about towing with it.  It'll break the (insert car information here.)  Ok, fine,  more tears.  Clearly not going to help DPW, because I don't LIKE Burning Man and can't get there by myself anyway.

Ok, he says... but what if... what if you say, bought a van.  And turned it into a camper.  And drove yourself down in that?

To which my miserable brain responded with I CAN'T DRIVE A VAN!  THEY'RE TOO BIG! I'D HIT THINGS.  AND RUN OUT OF GAS!  (No, really, this is what my "unhappy" brain comes up with.... that I will clearly be physically unable to drive a van without scraping it against other cars and hitting curbs.  And that there's no way I'll have enough gas to get from Alturas to Gerlach.  Oh, and nevermind getting through Portland with the bridge and five million lanes and ten million cars.  Can't.)

But, Jason and I ended up talking until three that night.  About this idea.

"You haven't sounded this animated and interested in anything in a long while V."

And it was true, I didn't feel quite so .... dead.

Overwhelmed, sure, but not stuck in that "nothing to get up for" feeling.

So... the idea of maybe getting a van (or conversion van) and renovating it to take me down to the desert (and maybe other places) feels like the thing that saved me from a very very very dark place.

Of course, it's an entirely new set of stresses and thoughts for my "unhappy" brain to run with but at least I was in a different (if not relaxing) spot.

Wednesday, 3 February 2016

The Low

So I've had all this going on and all those things combined and I hit some really really low points post Christmas / early January.  Like, really low.  And I don't mean to alarm anyone, because I wasn't wanting to kill myself, I just didn't see the point of being here anymore.  And I was even sort of beyond feeling worried about that.  I didn't know what to do, other than to keep on trying to "get through" it, and Jason was the only person I felt I could talk to in those days and he said a similar thing... "it doesn't seem like you have a reason to live."  Which sounds harsh, perhaps, out of context but was exactly what I was feeling.  This sense of "what's the point of me being here, really?"  No passion, no zest, no people or animals or events I felt I "had" to live for.  And not enough of a sense of hope for anything.  I remember waking up a morning or two and going, you know what?  I don't even want to go to Burning Man ever again.  It's stupid.  No way.  Done. 

And everything was working against me anyway.  My app on my phone that was tracking my daily steps just kept wanting me to take MORE steps week after week and even that little small thing wasn't encouraging, it was just asking too much.  And my stomach didn't want to eat anything.  Or let me swallow it.  So when you're crying over a phone app.... staying alive for what seems like an utterly hopeless and difficult "life" is kind of.... too much.

But I'd had a small idea.  And the idea was to try to think outside of the box and find a way to make my current life/work situation....better.  I thought about what it might be like if I arranged my work schedule to allow me to have all of August off and to then use that time to volunteer for Burning Man's Department of Public Works (DPW)... the people who go down to the desert early to set up the city and then stay after everyone leaves to clean it up and ensure Burning Man leaves no trace.   It's a huge job and one I've always found intimidating, but hey.... it would be a challenge.  And maybe having that once a year would give me something to balance out my not so happy rest of the year.  Maybe?  And so somewhere (before Christmas, actually) I sent a message to a member of DPW I follow on social media.  It was one of the more terrifying things I've ever done, sending that "hi stranger, can I ask you about volunteering with DPW?" message.... because it meant that maybe, just maybe it might happen.

Which sent my mind off on a whirl of possible planning/thinking/worrying.  Sigh.

Because, really?  Was I really thinking of going down to an alkaline desert and "living" there for a month?  The same desert that destroys my hands and fingers and lungs and hair after a friggin week?  And the heat?  And all those people who know each other and not me, and who are tougher than me and have done this before?  FOR A MONTH?  How would I ever come back to work after that, assuming I survived it?

Oh, and by the way, how would I get down there?  Because it's not as if I'd be driving down with Connor, you know, hey buddy, can you drive me and my gear down and then drop me off and then drive back by yourself and then come get me at the end of the Burning Man week?  Cool, thanks.  I still have the flight credit, could I fly to... Reno?  And then what?  Hi stranger, can you come pick me and my stuff up?  Wait, what stuff?  What do you even bring down for a month there?  I already run out of socks for a week there.  And what about the drive itself.  I've never driven that far!  I can't possibly drive all the way to Nevada by myself.  And then arrive... somewhere I've never been before and try to find people I don't know in a place I don't know, are you kidding me????? NO EFFING WAY.

And so I didn't sleep that night.  Or, at least not much.  And I kept trying to tell myself that it wasn't happening.  That I'd just sent a message.  That was all.  It might never happen.  To stop worrying about something that was either months away or not going to happen.  That I could worry about things once I maybe heard back from the guy.  Or, you know, in Spring.  Or Summer.

But I did start thinking a lot about the ride down, and that's where the seemingly random idea of looking into a trailer came from.  That maybe I'd throw a little teardrop trailer on my car and... not have to set up my tent every night I was travelling.  Or.... something.

Which then involved money stress.  Because money has been very tight.  I've been enrolled in a savings program through work that takes a chunk of my pay for X number of years and then will allow me to have paid time of for X number of months in the future.  But it means living on a reduced income.  Which is doable.... but not enjoyable.  Plus I made some choices a few years back that put me into my Line of Credit and that stresses me constantly.  So then I'm thinking about this "maybe get a trailer to do the drive you don't feel comfortable doing to get to the place you don't feel comfortable going to" oh, and by the way, it costs money you don't have, unless you pull out of that program and never, ever ever get that paid time off work you've SO been looking forward to.

F*ck.

I didn't hear back from the guy anyway, and fell in love with an ultra lightweight trailer that would cost even more than my car did when it was new (no, I don't magically have that money in the program oh, and US exchange rate too, sorry) and plus, my car isn't rated to tow in North America.  And, no way I could even do this anyway.

And then the lows hit and none of it mattered anyway because...see above.  I didn't even want to go to Burning Man anyway.  It all just was so completely pointless and hopeless.

As you can see, I didn't talk about any of this. I haven't had a day quite like that/those (knock on wood) in a while, and I hope not to again.  I'm going to break off this post now.... will catch you up with what broke me out of that awful funk (for better or worse) tomorrow.


Tuesday, 2 February 2016

Oh

I did an experiment yesterday.  I had a not so good weekend with regards to craving/wanting chocolate (specifically a Crunchy bar, go figure) and so I got through the argh of those days (mainly because I didn't have any sugar/sweets/chocolate in my place) and just kind of... toughed my way through.

But yesterday I decided to see what would happen if I did, in fact, have a chocolate bar, so I walked to the store and... they were out of Crunchy bars.  Fine.  Wasn't anything else that particularly jumped out at me and I really only half wanted to do this but I ended up getting one of those ice cream cone things.  Drumstick types. I figured it had some substance to it so would have at least a touch of protein or something and would maybe been more filling than whatever else I might have tried.

I figure it'd probably been three weeks, give or take, since I'd really cut down and I wanted to see how it'd go.

It was gross.

I didn't even really enjoy the first two or three bites, but they were fine and then it was like, oh man.. I have to get through the rest of this, really?

I know I could have chucked the rest out, but I sort of wanted to finish it.  And I feel like I was forcing myself.  It was not enjoyable.  I don't even know if it was that it was overly sweet or just not what I wanted.  Certainly my body wasn't "craving" what it had been craving... which was... odd at the least.

Right after I forced the thing down, I washed it down with water and some salty chips.  (Sure, not terribly healthy but the sugar flavour wasn't awesome either)  I wished that there was some way to sort of un-do it.

I can't say for sure if I felt weird after, maybe a little foggy brained, but that's hard to say... brains can be foggy anyway, and I can't say particularly one way or the other if I was feeling anxious sort of feelings or just worried about something else but I didn't feel OOH AAAH after.  I mean, like after I have a good solid meal with protein, I swear I can actually feel my body feeling better.  I didn't feel that with this.

If anything, it made me hungry, which I'm assuming would be a blood sugar/insulin sort of thing.

I'm sure if I made myself go back to the candy and sugar and pop routines I had I'd adjust soon enough and "enjoy" it but that, I did not enjoy.

It reminds me of my first year on playa, when I'd brought a bunch of candy to nibble on and then found it all too sweet.  I didn't enjoy it... until I got home and ate it all.

So, yeah.  Ick.

Weird.

I think I'll stick to my sugar free gum, fruit, naturally sweetened cereal, and occasional chocolate milk. Doesn't satisfy me in an emotional way but seems to be fine for my body.

Edited to add:  Also noticing that I for sure woke up wanting sweets this morning.  Wanted jam on my toast (don't have jam), put honey on instead, and still wanted something sweeter.  

Monday, 1 February 2016

Well Then

Well, it's February.  Not that that has anything to do with this post but unless things are going to get much colder, I don't think we're going to see any snow at all here this Winter.  And yes, I'm afraid we do have blossoms already showing.  Sorry.

I was thinking the other day that maybe I should use this blog as a sort of dual purpose thing right now.  Because I do have a lot on my mind and one of the things I have on my mind I feel like I have to do some writing about or journalling about to maybe figure it out and hey... I could just as easily babble type here and then press publish and, well, then there'd be more for you to read.  Or not. 

Might mean changing the title of the blog to "Thing Victoria is Thinking About Right Now" but if you came here to hear about me dating, you might want to shrug that off anyway.  Not on my radar.  Like, at all.

I mean, other than grumbling over Max from time to time and feeling confused by his seeming inability to say hello or be friendly (but let's not go there) or missing a calm, loving presence in my life to cuddle and be held by, I am not at all interested in the process of dating, or trying to get to know someone new.  No thanks.  Anyway.

So let me give you a small amount of background.

I'm not all that happy with my life.  Or perhaps joyful.  Or something.  I've always sort of put it down to my job being excessively draining for me (don't talk about work) and that I then don't have the energy or whatever to do anything which leaves me feeling like I don't have much of a life except going to work which then makes me feel pressured about work because if it's kind of all I have the energy to do and it's how I pay my bills, well, that's not much fun.  I know that some of this may possibly change with the counselling or whatnot, but I also know that if I'm not going to take a huge risk and change careers (terrifying and not so simple to do) I should try to figure out how to make the most of what I have. 

I worry, sometimes, that people are unhappy in their lives and make grand, sweeping changes (divorce, move, infidelity, quitting jobs) and then find themselves still unhappy, but now with different circumstances.  So I thought that maybe I should try some ways of making myself maybe happier with what I have and where I am and if that doesn't cut it, then look at bigger picture things.  But either way, it goes back to this feeling of man... this is a lot of work.

It would be a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, to change jobs.  It would be a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, to change my thought patterns.  It would be a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, to try new things and stretch my comfort zones.  So... I guess it's just a matter of which pile of "a lot of work" I decide to take on.

I've been feeling like I'm taking on ALL OF THE THINGS and trying to change everything all at once.  Look at job postings, while trying to retrain my thought patterns, while trying to figure out how to do things I don't know how to do and don't feel comfortable doing, while trying to take better care of myself mentally and physically, and while not really sharing this with anyone, while going to counselling, while getting over a breakup, while realizing I'm not all that happy with my life, while trying to be positive, while trying to let myself feel my feelings, while, while, while, while, while and all I want, like I said the other day, is to lie, comfortably and easily in a really nice place where everything is easy and I don't have to think about a certain thing.  Because nothing is easy right now.  Or not much, anyway.  And my body keeps telling me it's time to panic.  Or run far and fast.  But not actually.  Oh, and did you remember that thing you think you forgot? 

So, yeah....I was really happy at Burning Man this year.  So happy.  And, yes, I know it's "a holiday" and "vacation time" and "not reality" but I had that time of feeling really really happy. And I came back and I wasn't.  And it was a big shock.  Incredibly difficult and unsettling and added on to all the other things I've been learning and going through, something had to change.

And here we are.

Saturday, 30 January 2016

On Seeds And Things

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I told you about the bag of popcorn kernels that got upended when getting taken out of an upper shelf?  And how the kernels got everywhere?

Well, guess what the silliest part is?  I keep finding them?  Everywhere!  It's like kitchen glitter or confetti or something.  Like in my bedroom?  Really?  Come on!

Only very slightly (or not at all) related... I've been going to acupuncture to help with calming and feeling better and the other day she put these little seed things in my ear.  Ok, that sounded bad... she taped seeds to accupressure points on/in my ear.  (Not, like, IN my ear, but, you know, on the parts of the ear you can see...)  A friend of mine has had this done for years so it's something I'd seen before but never had done.  And ow!  Ow!  Little tiny seed!  Feels like a piercing (from what I can remember) so I really really hope it's doing what it's supposed to be doing because even my hair brushing up against my right ear is mega uncomfortable right now.

*whimper*

Apparently the owie is supposed to get better or lessen.  But I'm also supposed to "stimulate" it.  Ow.

Guess it's a good thing I generally fall asleep on the other side, eh?

Friday, 29 January 2016

Third Time Lucky

This is the third time I've returned to this page to start typing out this post.  I'm hoping that this time I get farther than the blank page and that I don't distract myself with something else on the internets and then come back to said blank page going "hmm... what was it I was planning on talking about anyway?"

End of January somehow.  Seems fast.  For me, anyway.  Likely because I've got a maybe idea on my mind that I've been looking into and talking about and it's been distracting me.  And stressing me, sure, but yeah.  And the days are starting to be longer!  I'm so loving that!  I noticed it the other day when it wasn't completely dark at 4:30.  Then the next day C-Dawg called and left a message saying the same thing.  "It's 5:05 pm and it's not totally dark!  YAY!"

Yay indeed.

I've also cut out sugar, candy and pop from my day to day for a little while here.  I wish I'd written down the day so I could say I haven't had X in Y amount of days but I don't know.  Started to watch a documentary about how much sugar is "hidden" in things and how many tablespoons the average Australian has per day (Australian documentary you see) and my brain just kind of went... dude.... you know you eat a crap ton of sugar because you eat sweets.  You pound down chocolate bars when you're feeling miserable and you love candy and... well... you also know it's not at all good for you and you're getting a lot of sugar in your "normal" food anyway.  Maybe... maybe not go and buy four chocolate bars because they're on sale and you know that eating them will make you feel a bit happier for a moment or two.

I'm not saying I'm going sugar free.  I wasn't about to turn down the gluten free cupcake my parents got me, for example (although I couldn't finish it!) But I'm no longer putting (read: pouring) it into my tea, and I'm trying to have my snacks (read: popcorn) with water instead of the pop I usually have with it and I haven't bought any candy or chocolate in a few days.. maybe weeks... and I'm hopefully retraining my brain that yes, I feel bad, I'd like SUGAR, but... no.  Not going to.  Fruit will taste sweet.  And then something else to fill your "hungry" feeling.  And I have some bubble gum flavoured gum and some more naturally sweetened cereal I'm having when I want something REAL BAD LIKE. 

I don't feel like I do well with absolutes with things right now, so I'm not going to say I don't "do" sugar anymore, but I'm paying attention.  Reducing.  Trying to change the habits and patterns that go with it (usually emotional or poor eating) It's not for weight loss (but I imagine that may be a side benefit) it's to help my body.  And, honestly, I suspect it'll help my moods.

I'm sure at some point I'll have myself a treat of some sort (I'm looking at you Cadbury's Creme Eggs) and I pretty much expect some kind of physical crash and am curious to see if there would be any emotional crash too.

I didn't get through the whole documentary (it got pulled from YouTube before I finished it.. I'll often pause a show and come back to it later or the next day) but the young guy was sugar free and decided to add the "national average" of sugar to his diet to see what all happened.  Other than the frightening physical changes, both he and his girlfriend noticed negative impacts on his mood.  Also... he was lethargic.  And wanting to nap all the time.

Le sigh.  Familiar much? 

But there you go... not something I was planning on talking about.  I haven't actually told anyone in my life (other than mentioning it to Jason) that I'm doing it because I'm not "doing" it, you know?

I just...

Yeah.  Pretend I never said anything maybe.  I gotta go chew some gum.

Thursday, 28 January 2016

Good News, Bad News

Well, you guys, I've just been informed that my computer has been attacked by a porn virus.

I know this because my computer started talking to me, or a voice did anyway so it must be my computer.  And then there was a warning screen too, with a number I should call or a button I should press or download or something.  (I'm afraid to say I didn't read the whole thing.) 

But it turns out that this porn virus isn't going to install porn for me to watch, it's going to steal my photos and information and infect my software and a few other things that were spoken to me in grammatically incorrect manner.

Disappointing, I know.

But hey, I guess if Siri can live on my phone (even though I turned her off) she can have a boyfriend who talks on my computer and warns me about getting attacked by porn virus.

Technology.

(By the way, it's a "serious hacking issue".... it told me so!)

Wednesday, 27 January 2016

More Please

I don't know if I can express to you just how much I love snuggling in after hitting the snooze button in the morning.

Most especially on a day where I know I don't have to get up for work, but even on a work day, I love "getting" to go back to sleep.

It's so cozy.  And my bed is, in those moments, the most comfortable place in the whole entire world and I know that nine more minutes of being asleep is going to be the best, most awesomest nine minutes of sleep I've maybe ever had, but certainly had that morning. 

Cozy.

Warm.

Sleepy.

No thinking.

Sleep.

Ahhhhhhhh.....

Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Really?

Went for a walk Sunday with a friend and because the weather was nice and we had a ton to talk about it ended up being about two and a half hours of walking.  Which was great and meant I had a super nice bath after because once I cooled down my body decided to hobble like I was 80.

And then I ended up doing the same thing today after work with a friend with a new baby and although we only walked for maybe an hour and a bit this time, by the time we were nearing my street, I was starting to have to walk funny.  Because I was getting a blister!  On the soft pad of my foot where it's like the base of your toes.  *whimper*

And then I got home and someone was like, hey, do you want to come meet me for a quick coffee?  And I almost asked them if they'd come pick me up even though it was a block away, but instead I threw on bandaids, my runners and exercise socks.

But really... ow!  It's one thing to get a blister on a toe or on a heel but on the actual part you have to walk on!  Nooooooooo.

Guess that's why sports socks are what they are and I suppose my regular normal socks and shoes aren't really all that awesome for longer walks.

But now I know, right?

Poor little feetses.


Monday, 25 January 2016

Sigh...

One of the (many?) big feeling things I'm working through right now is the (sometimes massive and sometimes overwhelming) worry/stress/anxiety I feel.  About... sometimes everything.  (Or at least it feels that way.)

I don't know that I differentiate in my mind between the levels of fear.  I don't like the term anxiety very much (it feels the opposite of empowering) and worry seems a little light and fluffy for some of the feelings that come with the fear but use whatever term works for you in my mind.  I don't know if it matters to me right now if I "have anxiety" or am an "over-thinker/worrier" or if I find doing things "stressful", it all feels the same in my body and tends to have the same result:  I feel horrible and will avoid or not do things.

And because it feels so horrible (like, actual, for real awful body sensations, the ones I dislike the most being stomach/digestive system based... you can fill in the blanks there) I want to not feel those physical sensations.  I don't want to feel any of it and then somehow those not good feelings seem to tell me that I'm going to feel like this forever.  Always. 

I imagine this is some sort of activation of the fight or flight response and my cave man body/brain is going "RUN FROM BAD THING OR DIE" so, you know, maybe in those moments it was really a matter of you might feel like this for the rest of your life because big teeth tiger kill you dead now bye.

So it's hard for me to think calmly when those feelings show up in my body because I find them quite overwhelming.  It's like my body is screaming at me to do something about this RIGHT NOW.  Fix the thing that is causing the bad.  And because most of the time (thankfully!) there is not an immediate threat to my being that I have to fight or flight (no spottings of sabre toothed tigers in the neighbourhood in a few million years, for example) it's because of thoughts... the "easiest" way to get away from that "bad thing" is to.... not do it, or just not engage in the thing.

Which then will often result in a sort of a low for me.  Maybe physiological again (post adrenaline fear crash or something a scientist would be able to talk about I'm sure) but also because I will often feel disappointed.  Let me come up with an example...

Let's say a friend asked if I'd like to meet them and some co-workers for a drink Friday night.  I'd feel afraid (the word I'm going with today.)  I'd worry about all sorts of details.  (Even just thinking about this imaginary scenario my body is starting to react in not nice feeling ways.) Would I drive or walk?  What would I wear, would it matter?  How would I feel around these people?  Can I really afford it?  What if I didn't want to stay?  Would it offend someone if I left early?  Would they even like me?  Would they all hate me?  And on and on and on and all of those little questions or thoughts or worries would make a reaction in my body that feels awful, and so knowing that if I say yes to this thing it would be a week's worth of feeling this way, I'd probably just say no.  (Or maybe I'd feel so awful and nervous about it Friday morning I'd cancel out)  And saying no would give me some relief.  Whew.... I don't have to worry about what to wear or say or how to get there or any of those things... whew.

But then later in the week I'd be disappointed.  Or, Friday after work, I'd go home and be comfy and cozy on my couch in my pjs and then think about how that's not really much of a life.  How that's not really living.  So then I'd have that low, which if I'm not careful and don't mind my thoughts can get very blue.

So not really a win.

There are, at times, middle grounds.  Like, telling my friend "yeah, maybe, I'll see how I feel Friday" and then maybe just last minute, hey I should go, and going.  Or like when my friend didn't tell me we were going on the gondolas to get wedding photos done at the top of the mountain until we were walking towards the gondolas because she knew I'd probably worry about it beforehand and work myself up.  I still got nervous (heights are not my thing) but it was only for a bit, not for days or weeks.

 So there's a lot of battling going on with myself right now.  Because I don't want to be held back by these feelings anymore.  But it's hard work.  And it's uncomfortable.  And I don't like it.  But I believe that there is an end to this.  That there is a point at which I'll come out of this tunnel.  That I'll deal with things differently.  Handle things with calm, confidence, pride; all the other words you can think of that are the opposite of fear/anxiety/worry, etc.

But it's like being on a really bad drug trip, while having to keep yourself together enough to defuse the bomb that's ticking away and about to blow you all up, when you're pretty sure it's real and not just your imagination while all this time really, you'd just like to lay down in a field of pretty flowers and butterflies and watch rainbows fill up the sky while maybe eating a chocolate bar and getting a shoulder rub in your pjs.

Friday, 22 January 2016

Woah.

I mentioned a bit ago that I've been doing more art recently.  And that I've been sharing it online under a pseudonym.

Well, yesterday, a European based photographer commented that he'd love to do a joint exhibition of our work some day.

Wow.

I have to tell you, I'm not even sure what to do with a compliment like that.

Who'da thunk it, eh?

Neat.

Updated to add: Oh, and I almost forgot (but just saw the email again as I was cleaning up my inbox.)  A photo of mine is going to be published in a magazine.  Haven't wrapped my brain around that, either.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2016 and then some.) Kay? Kay.