Monday, 13 July 2020

The Week At A Start

Life continues to be life-y, but I suppose the fact that it's Sunday as I type this rather than some time on a Monday morning (when this will be posted) means my week was a little less stressful and my weekend a little calmer.

I actually went for an acupuncture treatment last week, my first in many months.  I was nervous (as I am with anything out of the house) but I put my trust (as much as I could) in the protocols of my practitioner and I went.  I honestly think it has made a difference for me, possibly a significant one.

I found myself able to do things in the tail end of this week that have caused me massive anxiety these last few months and while it could be this reason or that, I think it's likely the acupuncture. 

When I was first diagnosed with anxiety, acupuncture was something I had already been doing for sleep, and so I mentioned it to them and ever since I've found it calming.  There were times when I wished I could afford to go weekly, and times I did go every two weeks.  I then stretched it to every three, and then four and for a while I've been going regularly every five or six weeks.  But with the pandemic and things shutting, I've not been for several months.  One of the two practitioners I alternate between seeing (they have slightly different approaches) re opened a month or so ago but I didn't feel comfortable going in then.  I'm glad I made this appointment though, and while I've said that I feel like I'm doing "well" compared to how I thought I would be doing without my normal treatments (in person counselling, regular acupuncture, some social contacts, etc.) the difference I felt post treatment last week showed me that maybe I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was.

Regardless, I feel better and calmer and I feel like I had the first good sleep I've had in months that night, and in the nights since.

I know we might lock down again.  I know if case numbers rise again I may not feel comfortable going to appointments again, but for now, I'm taking the win, and looking forward to my next appointment.... while honestly wondering if I should try for another sooner!

But yeah, for a few days now I've had a lot more mellow and that's been really nice.

Monday, 6 July 2020


I woke up this morning, realized it was Monday and that I had not yet set up posts for the week.

I knew this last night, but... well, to be quite honest, I had a difficult weekend.  A couple of big panic attacks kind of knocked me out of any normal routines.  And in less upsetting news, all of last week I was rather confused as to what day it was, Thanks Mid-Week Holiday day!

So yeah, here's a hastily thrown together post before I'm particularly awake... even though my phone rang an hour or so ago with "THIS IS VISA SECURITY"  Uh huh..... riiiiiiight.  *click*

Anyway, have a good Monday, please pay no attention to the me behind the curtain!

Friday, 3 July 2020

Well, Well, Well...

Well, well, well.... what do we have here?

Yes folks, that's a banana peel. 

My initial thought was "AH HA!  The banana peel bandit is back!"  But now that I'm thinking about it... it might be another culprit.

I mean, the banana peel bandit tended to leave their peels at the base of trees... this?  This was on a sidewalk.

The banana peel bandit tended to leave banana shaped peels.  This?  This is, as you can see, a "peeled" banana peel shape.  Almost comically so.

I mean, honestly, I nearly didn't recognize it for what it was.  Sitting there in the dappled light/shade as it was.

But yes.  It may, I repeat *may* be happening again.

Or, to be honest, it could just be a one off.  Or, I suppose, a copycat!  Who knows.  Strange days my friends....strange days.

Thursday, 2 July 2020

And, Yes, I Cut My Nails After This

After waking up with another gauge out of my face, I've decided I need an adult sized version of those baby mittens then put on babies to stop them from accidentally scratching their wittle faces with their wittle nails.

Because seriously..... my nails aren't even that long/sharp to begin with!

Wednesday, 1 July 2020


And so now it's July. 

Whereas the world sort of stopped for a lot of us in March (and for other parts of the world even earlier than that), time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping (a la Steve Miller Band) and we find ourselves months and months away from March.  Somehow.

The days are certainly lovely and long and the temperatures are warm and all those other summer things.... everything's green, and skies are bright blue (when not cloudy/rainy/home home on the range).

Today is, in fact "Canada Day".... and I'm putting that in quotations for a few reasons... including the fact that it's a holiday when lots of folks still don't have work... plus it's a Wednesday, and also no gathering/celebrating is officially happening (or safe) and also for the last few years I haven't felt comfortable celebrating Canada... we're not a country without faults and poor historical choices and, well, it's embarrassing to say but it doesn't seem right to celebrate not being in America.... but, im, yeah...

So it's July.  Unbelievably.  And were the external signs not there, I'd still tell you it was Spring and that endless March we went through.

My neighbours to the South (America) are going through some incredible turmoil and the hatred and anger feels contagious and some people are joking at the horrors to come in July (volcanoes?  aliens?) and I honestly just keep thinking of "fire season" and the fear I've had since March of societal collapse and man oh man when is this episode/movie/book going to be over?

Happy July.  Happy Canada Day.  Happy Wednesday.  Stay safe, stay well, stay hydrated.

Tuesday, 30 June 2020

But Seriously

I yelled at a spider last night.

I was all settled in bed, reading my book and I rolled over and saw some movement out of the corner of my eye (thanks periphery!)

I looked, and there on my bed side table thing (what do you call the one with drawers?) was a spider.  A spider strolling along, NEXT TO MY BED, and also NEXT TO MY MORNING CLOTHES! (The clothes I lay out to put on in the morning)

"NOT COOL DUDE!" is precisely what I shouted, and because I did NOT want to get out of bed, throw something on, find a glass and paper to capture the fast moving little creature, I leaned towards it and blew really hard (think "blowing out candles") and rolled over back the other way grumbling to myself about "rules" and "expectations" and "we had an understanding".

But seriously... not cool dude.  Not cool at all.

Monday, 29 June 2020


I am not in a great mood today.

And part of me says "well then don't post, just wait it out til you're in a better mood, heck, you might even be in a better mood in a few hours!"  But then I might never get around to posting or I might be in a better mood but not up for writing and so blah blah blah here I am, grumpy and irritated and writing.


Part of my misery is from my body feeling sore and uncomfortable.

Last week was stressful for me - mentally and emotionally, and this is probably not all that related (but also maybe possibly slightly related?) but by Thursday or so of last week my body was hurting.

My back ached and my left hip decided to hate me when I tried to sit criss-cross, and I have been wondering if that's partly due to my body being less fit and healthy and the few short bike-around-the-blocks I did over the last week or two.

I'm thinking about the times I go to a physio with a sore X and they end up letting me know that the pain is from a tight Z and a tight Y.  Like, the whole "knee bone's connected to the thigh bone thing" but like literally because they really are all interconnected and a tight something leads to it pulling on something else and then that hurts and OMG just put me out of my misery already.

Despite wishing differently, I do not have a degree in physiotherapy or anything else helpful enough to instantly know what's going on and typing "sore hip why?" into google leads me down eighteen thousand different paths and I think deep down I know it's partly because I'm lazy.  "Lazy" being a pretty harsh term that I've thrown at myself my entire life, but still...

See, when I went for the little bike rides the other week or so my thighs burned.  And we won't even talk about the lung burning cardio aspect of it, just my thighs and legs burned and I thought "damn, I'm out of shape" and then I sat myself down and felt better about life because exercise and cardio will do that for you.

And then the next day I was like OW!  MY THIGHS!  Especially my left thigh, but like not just the thigh but like the side of it and that's an IT band but um anyway, OW, my thighs are SO SORE, but hey, at least I got some exercise, right, right?  It'll probably go away.

And maybe when I was 20 it might have, or maybe I just never noticed before but now?  Spoiler?  It doesn't just go away.

It FEELS like it goes away and three days of Advil and Tylenol (because I never really know which one is the right one to take so I just take one of each and cross my fingers) and some epsom salt baths and hey, no more pain, right?

Right.  Except then I walk to the bank and back and when I go to sit cross legged on my couch like apparently I do all the time without thinking, all of a sudden my left hip is screaming in pain and I have to... not.  So then it's three days of Advil and Tylenol and a hot water bottle (because it rained and was a little chilly and I still don't know if I'm dealing with inflammation or muscles so who knows if I should heat or ice or holy shit is this "aging"???? FUCK!)

Which takes me back to "lazy"above because when I do go in to see those physios they always always talk about stretching type things.  Here.  Here, they say, here are some stretches for that thing and watch your core and how you move and and and and um yeah, magic pill anyone?  No?  Crap.

So do I probably have to stretch out every time I get on a bike now?  Yeah, probably.  Even for that three minute ride around the block?  Yeah, probably.  Especially since the bike I got has no gears.... which means more legwork.  (Right?)  Well, plus I haven't been on a bike since the last time I was at Burning Man and somehow the stationary bikes at the gym don't count (probably because you can actually go easy on them.... see "stationary" above).

But, yeah, I felt pretty physically miserable all weekend and I know I could have gotten out and about and moved that body and I did a little, not knowing if it helped or agitated things or what, but yeah.  An emotionally taxing week followed by a physically uncomfortable week-end left me pretty darn grumpy and miserable.

(Plus I feel like everyone's out and about having lives and socializing and while that may not be accurate that's how it feels to me right now and that has a whole other set of unhappy feelings around it.)

Here's hoping talking about it helps.  (Helped.  Uh huh.)

Saturday, 27 June 2020

Oh! I Forgot!

Oh, I nearly forgot to tell you from yesterday!!!

You know those signs on some roads that say "Your Speed" and they clock the speed of your car and if you're over the speed limit they flash (or I even saw one the other day that had a green happy face and a red angry face!)?

Well there's one that's on a street that I walk by when I'm going back home from "downtown".  Which, remember, I haven't done since lock down in March, but have done plenty of times over the years.

Said sign is usually flashing whatever speed the cars are going.... 40/50/whatever KM/h.

Well as I was walking home yesterday I noticed it flashing.  6.  5.  9.  6.  6.  I looked around... no cars.  No one else around.  Just me.  Oh!  IT'S PICKING UP MY WALKING!!!!  I AM A THING!!!!

I'm not really sure why it made me so happy but it did.  Plus then I had to google average walking speed to see if it was really picking me up or just... I dunno, malfunctioning somehow? 

I have to wonder if in all the years I've lived here if there has never been another time where I was the sole moving thing on that stretch of road and that's why this has never happened before?  Is this a "semi-lockdown" gift to me from the Gods?

Whatever the reason, I'll take it.  And whenever I walk that road again, I'll try not to be disappointed if it doesn't "see" me the same way ever again (but you know I will be!)

Friday, 26 June 2020


I managed to get my bank stuff done yesterday.

I was a little better prepared for it, both mentally and physically. 

I dressed better for the weather.  I went in earlier in the day (half an hour after opening) which meant the streets were a bit quieter and there were fewer people in line (I was actually the first in line outside when I arrived.)

Since there were fewer people around, I kept my back to the street (and sun) and kept my mask off until I got called in.  I also brought the pair of cotton gloves rather than the plastic ones.  (I might buy more.  They're awkward for things like taking a card out of your wallet but good for other things like using a pen or something... and washable and reusable... so...)

I'd also talked to the bank on the phone and they'd put a note on my file for what to do (as apparently it's not something they do very often - part of why I had to go inside to do it rather than doing it by phone or online.)

On my way back, I kept my mask on until I could get to the less crowded sidewalks and I took a different route home that avoided the "busier" street I'd gone down the day before.

I still didn't like it and it stressed me out and I was miserable and grumpy that morning before I went but hey, the thing is done, I did what I could to reduce my contact and to hopefully not accidentally get anyone else sick if I'm asymptomatic, so... that's just that.

I really really don't know how to move forward with life right now but I keep reminding myself to just focus on today and let the future happen when it's "today".  So... I'm working on that.

But yeah, that banking experience was very much not my favourite thing. 

Thursday, 25 June 2020


Last week, although I haven't made time to talk about it yet, I had a couple of appointments - my first in months.  Calculated risks, I suppose, and perhaps not wise.... but, yeah.

And yesterday, I had my first thing I had to do that I really didn't feel entirely comfortable doing.

I had to go to the bank.  It was something not doable anywhere else but in person at the branch and the whole thing stressed me out, to be honest.

My bank only has so many branches open right now so I walked to the one downtown.  That was my first anxious making thing as I've been avoiding downtown since March.  When I go out for walks, I've been sticking to places with not much foot traffic and large areas where you can go around people if need be.  Going "downtown" is a little different as there are far more people and less space to... space.

So once I got to the more populated part, I put on a mask, but my current "am not a doctor or virologist" understanding is that that does more to protect others than it does to protect me, so I still did my best to distance from people.  But that stresses me, to be that alert...

Then the bank had the distance line lineup outside, which was... ok, but sorry to whine, I then got hot.  I'd guessed at the forecast "30% chance of showers" and not dressed for hot weather and so I got a little warm, which, unfortunately, also bumps up my anxiety.  Plus I haven't been around that many people since the pandemic reached us.  So I was uncomfortable, but trying to listen to my music and go with the flow.

Once I was at the front of the line, I went to put on one of the gloves I'd brought (to keep my potential ick from touching their stuff) but because I was hot, my hands were sweaty and well, the glove got stuck like not even half way through and then I felt stupid so I just kind of tried to keep working it on and pretending like I didn't care that I had a glove not really put on my hand.  (Sigh)

When it was my turn, I got up to the plexiglass shield and I took my mask off for a moment and said to the guy "um, well, I'm taking it off so the cameras can see who I am" and he was like yeah, good, thanks or something, but I just thought it was the proper thing to do in a bank since, you know, not a bank robber...

I find it hard to talk through the mask and be heard and although he wasn't wearing a mask, it was still a little tricky to hear him properly but long story short, they weren't able to help me, so I have to head back today and I'm not looking forward to it.

I think that's part of having anxiety.  Or being anxious, since a lot of folks are finding these days more anxious making... it makes things that shouldn't be difficult a lot more challenging.

I'd avoid it if I could, but I can't and that sucks and I just wish my anxiety would leave me alone so I didn't completely overthink the whole thing.  (Like the bank has asked that the first hour... when I'd like to go... be reserved for the elderly and those with compromised immune systems, and well, I kind of have a compromised immune system but not seriously so so I don't feel like I should go in that time but quite honestly I'd like to not even think about it and either just go or not go and not care.  Sigh)

So, yeah.  I ventured out last week and it was ok, but my venturing yesterday was not my favourite.  Ugh.

Wednesday, 24 June 2020


Soooooooooo the weather has changed a bit this last week or so and I pulled out my phone yesterday to look at the forecast and man.... it was looking hot!  It was going to be like 27/28 by the end of the week and I groaned and tried to think through how I'd stay cool.

Later, I went to my laptop to see which day was supposed to be the hottest and I saw an entirely different set of numbers.... because you see when I was on my cell, I'd been looking at the dates not the temperatures!  WHOOPS!

Good thing I only told one person about the super hot weather to come, d'oh!

Tuesday, 23 June 2020

What? Where?

I had one of those weeks last week where I lost track of what day it was.  It was a busy week and that's the excuse I'm going with, but I was convinced it was Friday for a good few days and then certain it was Saturday and I distinctly remember waking up on Sunday morning all grumpy that it was Monday and then slowly realizing that no... it was still just Sunday so I could be grumpy the next morning.  So, yeah.

I also keep realizing how people curious I am.  You might say nosy but I'll go with curious.

Like, on that Sunday morning, I was woken up by one of my neighbours starting their car and going somewhere.  And as I half slept, realizing neighbour wasn't going to work, I wondered where they were going.  If it was the neighbour I thought it was, he drives a lot in gym type clothes... even during pandemic.  Is he going to a gym?  They were all closed for a while so where was he going?  I totally am curious. 

I have another neighbour who likes to bike, and I want to ask him how he stores all his bikes in his place because I've seen his bikes and they're not being kept in the bike locker. 

And then there's another who comes home "late" each night (10:30 or 11:00) and I keep wanting to ask her where she is and what she's doing and why she's so time consistent!  I just... want to know things, for no particular reason other than I'm curious.

And I don't really want a long conversation, I just want the info.  But I really don't want to disturb anyone or weird anyone out so I don't ask.  Not only that but I'm staying away from folks extra with the virus around...

But yeah, so many thing I want to know about people.  Like, so many!

Monday, 22 June 2020


We hit Solstice this weekend.  Which means Summer is here (and Winter is here for my Southern friends...) and my soul cries a little for the shortening of the days.

Yes, yes, yes, I've been noticing the long evenings.  The light in the sky at 9:30.. 10-something.  I love it.  I really do.

I used to half think that if I moved, I'd get days like this all year, but I realize when I think logically about that... well, no.  I suppose I could Summer in the high North and Winter on the other pole and try to push my long days as long as possible, and no, I've never been in those high North places where the sun stays up up up and people talk about the midnight sun.  I've never been anywhere but here, really, and I do realize that for many I am "up North" so there's that.  But I love my long days.

I still have memories of being a kid and going to bed because it was bedtime and seeing light peeking through the blinds and feeling cheated.  But hey, my parents weren't about to let little kid me stay up as late as the Summer sun does. 

But anyway.  Summer is here.  And I realized at some point this week that I will need to get that into my head pretty quick here. 

Yes, we had a cooler Spring and I was totally ok with that, but I have to start thinking again about sunscreen and hats and sunglasses and cooler clothes and heat.  We had some muggy days this week and ugh I do not like muggy.  But I more mean the hot days.  The days of pulling my blinds down during the day to keep the sun out.  The days of getting fans going and having to get used to that droning noise.  The days of sleeping under a single sheet and still feeling too hot.

Those days are coming and I hope for a decent summer, I really do.  I hope for clean air all summer and no fires, please no fires.  My idea, however, of a "decent summer" probably doesn't jibe with what others might want, so I suppose I'll say out loud I hope we have a kind of cooler, blah summer.  In part, so folks won't.... want to congregate as much.  Won't feel they're missing out on their usual Summer parties and events, I don't know. 

I still hear from that little part inside of me that says this isn't happening.... this is some kind of long dream I must be about to wake up from except not a dream just... not... real?

Why?  Why all this? 


Summer's here.  Always brings me mixed feelings. 

Friday, 19 June 2020

Perhaps One Of You Has An Idea

Ok, your guess is as good as mine, and you'll be only going on the vague babblings I give you but I'm wondering if you can figure out something I've been trying to figure out for... oh, a year or two?

Here's my vague babblings...

The neighbour above me (I'm pretty sure) has a thing that they use that makes a noise that annoys me.

Ok.  We'll start there.

I first heard this noise a summer or two ago and so assumed it was an air conditioning unit, but I never saw the "box sticking out of the window" thing so then I figured not.

Well, I've heard it again as of this last week or so, and I still don't see the box in window thing so I'm trying to figure out what else it might be.  Perhaps a fan?  But it seems to have a consistent Hummmmmmmmm rather than what a rotating fan might sound like.  But I could be wrong.  I've thought it might be the dishwasher, but that usually has a limited run time and also usually has water sounds, and well, unless they eat a lot, they're probably not running the dishwasher every night.  Right?

I know I don't have fans out right now but the apartment above me is probably warmer, so maybe they need it?

I checked to see if it's the building's laundry or drier but nope.  I'm typing this at 8pm at night and I hear the hummmmmmm.

I don't know much about air conditioner sounds.  Never had one, didn't grow up around them, so have no idea what I'd be listening for.  A fan I suppose makes sense, but I generally only hear the noise in the evenings (as far as I've noticed?)

I wish I could explain the noise to give you better guesses but it's like a ... uh... a low hummmmmm.  That's all I know.  It's consistent and constant.

Fan?  Or, air... thing of some kind?  What else might it be?  I'm not about to knock on their door and be like hi, can I please just come inside to look around and oh ok, just pretend I was never here, bye!  But part of me would like to!!!!

Edited to Update:  Ok, I feel like after I finished writing this the noise stopped, and now it's come back on again so I really really have no good guesses!

Thursday, 18 June 2020


I often find that my gums are an indicator of me being at less than optimum health.

Like, the week before I got that cold, I had a really weird irritation of the gums at the back of my mouth on one side.  It felt like I'd gotten popcorn stuck down there and irritated it, but I dug around and swished and nothing ever came out.  It would be fine for most of the day and then flare up in the evening, and certainly after I brushed and flossed.  I tried to take extra care of it and rinsed with salt water and things, and I thought that if I did end up having Covid, it would be something I'd write off as a random body symptom or... something.

I wondered if it was stress related... somehow.  Like I am clenching more or grinding more and so it irritated.... just that side though?  Anyway, I digress.

Lately, I've noticed that my gums will get irritated, not all over, usually just in one area if/when I eat something not healthy.  Like sugary things will sometimes give me a sore gum area.  It's like my gums are my early warning system, like hello, could you a) not eat that and b) be healthier?  You're run down, yo!

But last week something weirder than usual happened and I'm still not exactly sure what it was.

I'd gotten a food delivery and if I haven't mentioned it already, my vice during this pandemic has been junk food.  Specifically, junk food I haven't eaten in years, or certainly not this regularly oh my lord!

So I'd gotten this delivery and was having a rough day (week.  month.) and so I downed some Twizzlers and a couple of Oreos (I know, I know) and followed it up with some Doritos.

I went to eat something else and noticed I'd burnt my tongue.

Except when I paused for a moment I realized I'd not had anything hot and so no, I hadn't burnt my tongue.

But my tongue felt like I had.  It was that same exact sensation and hurt in the same way.  I stopped stuffing my face with junk and went and rinsed out my mouth.  Sure enough, there was an area, including part of the tip that felt "burnt".  I went and looked in the mirror.  I had a "swollen" area that was clearly irritated that felt, as I say very similar to when you burn your tongue on a drink that's too hot.

I rinsed my mouth out a few times and then I googled.... without any answers, but I started to wonder if I'd had some kind of allergic reaction, and if so, what to?

My guess, honestly was to the Doritos as that was the colour my mouth was when I rinsed it out to take a look.  Plus they have that chemically powder stuff.  Double plus, lately sometimes my gums get irritated when I have tomatoes so... that's my guess.  Just not sure why it was localized to one area and why it felt like a burn.

I do not, not at all, feel like going in to my doctor right now and my dentist is still closed and it resolved itself, pain wise by the next day although the bump was still there for a few days.  But, yeah.  I'm curious.  And, no, I don't feel like Doritos anymore... funny how that works.

But, yeah... "chemical burn"?  Allergic... bump?  I have no idea, but my tongue did not like something, or... was trying to tell me something, and I'm willing to try to listen, for sure!
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