Friday, 23 October 2020

Da Nature

Some mornings, I lie (not very awake) in bed listening to bird song.  

I'm not a birder, but over the years I have learned some bird calls and song.  I'm pretty good with the "obvious" (and obnoxious!) like seagulls and crows and owls.  I know robin and there are many I hear that I don't know who's singing them but they're nice.

(For a while, I thought I was hearing blue heron calls a lot lot lot and figured I was on a flight path or something, but then I realized it was the weird backup tone for a garbage truck and, well, we'll just not talk about that one k?)

There's a call I've been trying to identify, I've heard it two mornings for sure now and I think I have it... I'm pretty sure it's Jackhammer Americanus, but from what I've read it could also be Jackhammer NorthAmericanus so I don't know for 100%.  It has only been calling in the morning so far and I've yet to go out to try to see it to confirm because, well, mornings and all!

Anyway, I'm not sure it'll be around for long, but it sure has a distinctive call!

Thursday, 22 October 2020

A(n Over-reactive?) Stress

One of the things I know I'm struggling with in this current pandemic world is the lack of... hmmm... consistency? between how people are handling things.

I'm talking specifically right now about how people are handling "getting sick".

I'll give you some anecdotal examples....

One person I know over on the mainland has posted about getting tested a few times now (twice that I know of) and his last post was along the lines of "had a bad headache so went for testing" and my experience with getting tested last Spring was "any cold/flu like symptoms, even mild, should be tested and should be self isolating".  They even had me isolate until my cold was completely free of symptoms even though I tested negative for Covid itself.

But other folks I know have a cold and got it from work (one assumes) and aren't getting tested because they're confident it's "just a cold".  Which, honestly it probably is looking at the case numbers where they live and their precautions (masks, etc.) But both of these example situations are in the same province, so is there not consistent messaging about how to handle illness?  Or are people making their own judgement calls based on their level of concern?

My anxiety, of course, runs away with this line of questioning and extrapolates to "BAD THINGS" and I know we weren't sure how this "cold and flu" season would play out with the addition of this pandemic...

I also know that there isn't much we can get "everyone" to agree on or feel the "same way" about so this is human nature.  

Were we all on more similar pages when we were told to lockdown?  I'm not sure because I wasn't talking to folks about things (as I was too terrified of it all).  I dunno man... this is all just so messy and unclear and new and I get that we're all just doing the best we can with this whole "never been done before" situation.  I'm just saying that I'm getting stupidly extra stressed over the fact people are reacting and choosing differently.

And yes, I'm aware that's just life but it doesn't mean it doesn't stress me the heck out.

If everyone would just do exactly what I think they should do at all times I'd be a lot calmer you guys!!!


(And yes, I say that jokingly... but still, it'd be nice... for me at least!)

Wednesday, 21 October 2020


Somebody broke a rule.

SOMEBODY was on my PILLOW when I got home last night instead of on the floor where they are ALLOWED TO BE, or even not really allowed to be but it's marginally ok if they're on the floor because I get that I can't eliminate them all so fine, floor it is but NOT ON MY BED AND NOT  ON MY PILLOW.

Does anyone know where to write to the silverfish committee so they know someone really really messed up??

Tuesday, 20 October 2020

Yeah, No

I am not in a good space this week.... right now.

And it's kind of hard to explain it?

I talked to Jason for, I dunno, ages?  An hour?  Two?  About "all this" and I still can't even really tell you what I said or what my biggest issues or concerns are but it's like a whole bunch of things happened around the same time as the "digital art mess-up realization" I had and I just kind of... feel done?

No, not suicidal, I'm fine there, really, but just like... I dunno.  Very much "why should I bother"?  But even that's not quite it.

I've got some life stuff looming that has been forced upon me (as life tends to do from time to time, no?) and I have a call about it coming up this week because WE CAN'T MEET IN PERSON ANYMORE BECAUSE OF THIS F*CKING PANDEMIC.  (sorry) And since that call was scheduled I've been super super grumpy.  C-Dawg asked if I knew why I'd been extra grumpy when I responded with "AM GRUMPY" for the fourth day in a row to her "how're you doing?" text.  Yeah I said... mainly this call.  So I'm already low and stressed and unhappy and miserable and then this f*ckup with my digital pieces... all 700 of them?  And all the thoughts I had about maybe trying a website and trying selling prints?  And all the energy that went into stressing about that and wondering what sizes I should offer and what materials (paper prints?  metal?  canvas??) and always in the background wondering a) how big I could print them and b) how to find that out without spending a crap ton on test prints and now BOOM.  I messed up.  I just did a thing and then I liked the thing that I kept doing it and I never really knew? to check out what exactly the basis of it was and I guess this is part of the learning curve with digital art (never having taken a class in this stuff) because when you work in regular media (paper, canvas) YOU ALREADY HAVE THE SIZES RIGHT THERE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!  And when you go to make prints they ask you what size and there are standard sizes and that's just that so while these programs do often start with standard paper sized pieces I was trying to make them square and granted I was using an old laptop that was limping along so maybe I reduced the size so things would function better but whatever the reasons I'm at a real impasse and man oh man do I ever want to burn something to the electronic ground and wipe all existence off the face of... the... uh... digital?

So there is all that and then at the same time there is the doom that naturally seems to come with this time of year, exacerbated by the pandemic and shorter, darker days and then I finished up a show I've been watching and the ending just got to me and I cried and cried and cried and "no one loves me like that" is where my brain settled and so all of this came up within like a day or half a day and I just woke up like... no.  I give up.  Not sure what I give up, to be honest, but I give up.

Why should I bother trying to fix the size labelling issue on these digital pieces.  Because I've stupidly  convinced myself some day someone will buy some of this art and so I should be able to easily find it to have it printed, etc etc?  Yeah right, grow up.  Like, I get that that part of me is being harsh to ... me, but I don't have a spark of "I CAN DO EEET!" to fuel me through.  Not right now anyway.

So,  I'm here.  Confused as to what I even think/feel, and confused as to what I do and don't want to do/not do.  You know?

Just... take me away from all this shit.  Really.

But, not?  Because panic.

So, yeah.  Oh, also PROVINCIAL ELECTION HAHAHAHAHA cuz we really needed that right now, you know?

Monday, 19 October 2020


I just found out that of the nearly 700 digital pieces I've created, shared, and stored, an unknown but likely large number of them are incorrectly sized.

I *thought* I was creating them at, say 8 inches by 8 inches and so I labelled and tagged them as such... with the idea in mind that they could then be "blown up" to a larger print size if someone wanted.

Well I've been using a free program for a while now to draw certain symmetrical starting shapes and I noticed that when I zoomed in on them for one reason or another (usually to "colour in" a small spot) it would... pixelate (for lack of a better term).  I assumed this was because of the free nature of the program and shrugged it off.  (My bad, I know.)

Recently, a woman has been asking about these pieces and if I have a store, and no, I don't have a store right now, I said, but sure, I can print them on canvas if you want.  And I went to look at what it would cost me to do a trial run of sizes to see just how large I could go before the pixelation became an issue (ie the piece looked like crap).  I was over at Jason's for dinner at the time and I asked him (as he knows more about prints and digital stuff than I do by a mile) and he asked what size the file was.  I DUNNO! I countered intelligently.  So we looked.

Um... yeah.  The pieces that I've been making the last... while?  Are not 8 by 8 inches, they are the equivalent of 2.5 x 2.5 inches.  Which.... yeah.  Tiny.  Which also means they won't blow up - I can't really enlarge them.  

I actually had a good ironic chuckle at this fact for a while because what else was I to do and it's not as if I have an actual paying customer I now have to disappoint.  But now that it's.... today.  And I realize the scope of this issue, I'm pretty damn overwhelmed.

Going and checking the actual size and file size of these pieces will be a large, boring, mind numbing job.  That I do not want to do.  And my sense of things right now is to pack it all up, delete the whole shebang and walk away, never to be heard from again.

So... instead of doing that, I'm writing this post.  Cuz, you know... 


Saturday, 17 October 2020


I was thinking about Halloween, because... well, you know... it's now-ish.  (So is the stunningly priced candy of course.) 

When I was a kid my parents would accompany me up and down our street and that was the Trick-or-Treating I remember doing.  (One year in Grade 6 or 7 I was allowed to go with friends to one of the fairly new suburb type areas and that was exciting but also teenagers were shooting fireworks at each other so it was scary and I don't know how many more years I went after that... maybe that was the last year?)

I was thinking about it the other night because I always got a decent haul and doing the street would take, I dunno "forever" in kid time.  I went on google just now to get an estimate of about how many houses my street would allow me to trick or treat at and I figure somewhere between 50 and 60 (I'm assuming the current layout may have a newer house or two) and that's a nice sized amount of goodies!  I remember some houses had terrifyingly long driveways (because it was always dark and spooky and who knew what might be lurking!) and there were some dark houses (lights off) that you'd skip.  I remember at least one couple who "made" you "trick" for the treat usually in the form of a song or something and I was always shyly embarrassed by that.

I remember at least one year of going out with a garbage bag over my costume because it was raining, and I (famously) remember one year where I had to pee, but I knew if I told my parent (they'd alternate who stayed home to hand out candies and who came with) they'd take me back home and the night would be over and there was no way I was giving up all that free candy, so I er... just peed my pants.  And when I tell the story as an adult I always say that it was so cold my pants froze but I doubt it was ACTUALLY that cold, that's probably just what it felt like to little old me.  But yeah, I have always really liked sugar, eh?

I remember coming home and dumping out the bag (sack?  pillow case?) and seeing what I'd gotten.  There would be sibling exchanges of likes/dislikes.  I never enjoyed those molasses ones and I seem to have often gotten an abundance of those, what's the word... caramel things?  (The little squares?)  I also really miss the silver packets of salted sunflower seeds I'd get because they were such a change from the sweet and would, what I know now as, cleanse your pallet!   

The candy that I see now in stores seems different, but maybe that's just me?  But it really does seem like it's turned into a THING more so than when I was a kid and damn,  have people always been spending this much on treats?  (Again, I think not.)

For sure we'd heard warnings about razor blades in apples and stuff and who knows, I maybe got a home made candy apple at one time or another (see fuzzy memories....)  And we carried UNICEF boxes for pennies (is that still a thing?) and would feel so proud taking them into school the next day to help "the children.

It was always dark (did we have to wait until dark to go out?) and cold (October after all) and so costumes needed layers or jackets (or garbage bags) and the street was always busy (as I remember it) and I never knew how magical my childhood was, I just knew I was happy and felt safe and Halloween was this magical time where adults gave you free candy and what on earth could be better than that?  Free candy!!! All you had to do was walk, knock, ask politely and be dressed up!  Fantastic, no?!

Friday, 16 October 2020

A Saddenning

I'm not entirely sure how to explain this, so the easiest way to say it is that I realize I'm forgetting things. 

Specifically, I mean things from my youth and childhood.  Details.  Stories.  How things went, what happened.  Memories and recollections I honestly thought would just always be there... because I lived them, and experienced them.

And I would imagine this is normal and just what happens as you continue to age and make more... newer memories and I'm not saying that I think I have a memory issue exactly... just that I'm sad that I am no longer entirely certain about things.

I can't remember (sigh, ha) exactly what it was that prompted this realization and thought but I think I was having a conversation with Jason about something "when we were kids" and I tried to recall an event and it was too fuzzy. 

I've been saying for a while now that some of the things I'm taking for anxiety and such smudge my memory.  I mentioned this to a couple of friends and they laughed it off saying that was just us getting older, but I don't know.  Again, I'm not worried about a memory issue, I just do not like this feeling of loss.  Loss of ME and my stories.  I suppose I'm wishing I'd kept my diaries (I got rid of them all at some point) even though I know many of them wouldn't have been about the day to day and more about my FEEEEELLLLINGSSSSSSSSS.  I'm sure I could start writing down said stories and events and recollections now, but there's already that seed of doubt... am I remembering this accurately?  

Some things are seared into my brain.  (Or are they?) And there are things that I swear I can still *feel* from when I was a kid, or "young adult" or whatever.  But I wish I still had crystal clear recollection of more things than I feel like I do right now.  Is this just another kind of crap thing I'm supposed to accept about getting older? 

Thursday, 15 October 2020

Science Experiment - Me!

Ok, so the sleeping/not sleeping in thing... I think I figured it out!

I think I've maybe mentioned it but I'm a sleeper.  Always have been.  I take after my Dad on that one I think, but everyone who knows me knows I am not a morning person.  So waking up on time for work is about as good as I've ever been able to do.  I have my morning routine trimmed down so that I can be up and out the door in about half an hour.  I like to give myself more time than that but sometimes hitting snooze is much more appealing.  Except this has made for some miserable mornings, and so over the years I've been trying to make things easier on me.

One of the things I've had for a while is a "wake up light" alarm that gradually brightens as the morning goes on, in theory waking you gently.  But over the years I got more able to sleep through it, or occasionally I got woken up by its very very slight initial low light... go figure.  Plus, I'd keep hitting snooze and then the light goes off eventually and, well, yeah, Winter mornings have been especially tough.

Since I've been off work I've been trying to see how I wake up naturally, and when.  And part of how I've done that is by not fully closing my bedroom blinds.  I keep them about half open.  I know.  Weird, right?  But visually anyone wanting to look into my apartment bedroom - the ony angle of clear view would need binoculars.  And, well, it's a rather boring view.  I read.  Then I turn the lights out and sleep.  (Were there "more interesting" going on, blinds would get shut! And when I change, I do so with my back to the window anyway, and I am aware of my nakedness and said windows...)

What I noticed was that I was waking up a lot easier.  (I turned off my alarm too, except on days I had to be up by a certain time).  Some nights the ambient light from outside is "too bright" and I find myself getting up and closing those blinds, because yeah, I've always been used to and felt I needed black black dark to fall asleep.  But I guess I've at least somewhat adjusted to being in a room that's not totally dark.  But most mornings now I wake up naturally around 8.  Which is pretty amazing for me, honestly.  

Over the last while though (no idea if this is a Covid-stress thing or a Summer thing or what) I've been "waking up" earlier than I'd like... like... 6, or 6:30.  I know this because I glance at the clock to see what time it is and then I don't fall back into much of a sleep.  Certainly not deep sleep.  And so sometimes lately I've had very groggy mornings where it feels like I am far too tired for the "amount" of sleep I got.  I assume it's because the light has me in lighter sleep mode and then outside noises wake  me even more and I wonder if the not-really-falling-back-asleep thing has to do with age (my folks tell me they don't sleep as well as they age...?) or what, but combine that with some mornings when I find I have to pee around 5 but don't want to wake up enough to get out of bed and then I'm not really asleep til 8 and just ... extra tired?  So this weekend, I decided to take a couple of nights with blinds down and see if I got that "sleeping in" experience I've been kind of missing.

And I did!   Saturday, blinds down got me til a whopping 9am!  And then Sunday?  Wowza, I  half woke at who knows what-o'clock (purposely didn't check the time) and when I finally "woke up" it was nearly 10!  Ten am, just like the olden days!

So, for me at least, playing around with light in the mornings, not the wake up light, but actual outside light has been an adjustment to my mornings that I think is a good one.  I, of course, don't know yet how this will play when I am back to a regular work schedule type thing but that's an anxiety producing thought I don't need to think about right now.  I know I won't ever rely *just* on light, I will be using my radio alarm again once I have a needed wake time, but (hey, hi anxious thoughts, no thanks, you can go... shhhhhhh) yeah, I'm pretty sure changing my morning light helped me "sleep in" this weekend.

And I suppose this hasn't actually been about sleep but about waking up, so.... there you go.

Wednesday, 14 October 2020

Moar Pls

Man, did I ever enjoy what turned out to be an accidental four day weekend.

Like, seriously.

I knew Saturday, Sunday and Monday were the holiday weekend but I somehow managed to have Friday feel like a day off too - in part because a lot of places seemed to be making it into a four day weekend (including some of the street construction that normally is part of my waking up extra early lately.)

I know I mentioned it the other day, but weekends are the only time I ever seem to feel a hint of relief from life right now (and that's a crap feeling to be honest) and so to have had Friday feeling like a day off and then knowing I had three more to come?  Wow... that felt great.

I even managed to sleep in, twice!  A little bit on Saturday and even more on Sunday, it was delightful!

Plus, I think I know how/why I was able to.... but that's not really the point here... the point is that having a good few days off in a row was absolutely lovely and very very needed.  I could use a few more of those now please!

Tuesday, 13 October 2020

The Keyboard

I had a lovely chat with Apple support on Friday (? Was it Friday?  long weekends always throw me off... sure, we'll say it was Friday)  And I mean that legitimately.  The call was great.

I got called back right away, the person was super nice and helpful and pleasant and yes, I can take my laptop in to have the (already a replacement) keyboard looked at and most likely replaced (again).  I just, to be honest, don't want to.  It's a pretty massive hassle to go without a laptop, and I'm lucky that I still have my old one but oh she is so slow it hurts.  Anyway, that's also part and parcel of my Covid-specific-anxiety and me not wanting to deal with all this.... stuff.  

But yeah the service call was great.  

I really should look at having them fix it as now the b key is starting to repeat.  Le sigh.

There's also the issue (for me at least) though that this laptop is a lease.  I was not in a financial place to buy outright and I've never leased anything before and now I feel a little trapped.  I'm trying to figure out next steps and part of me is maybe waiting to hear back on that before I go a while (a week?  two?) without this one for the keyboard issue/fix.  I dunno... I extra avoid things that can be safely avoided since Covid.  And by "safely avoided" I mean things I don't have to have to deal with and that nothing will go particularly wrong if I don't deal with it.  Passive.... avoidance to reduce massive anxiety,  but I suppose this week I have to do something.  Either deal with the keyboard, or deal with the lease or both.  When I return this unit I sure hope they fix the keyboard before selling/leasing it to someone else, but the issue is attached to the serial number so it's down on record as needing replaced.  

Am I babbling?  It feels like I'm babbling.  This has been a stressor for me this last week or so as it involves one of my biggest anxiety sh*t shows - money.  FUN TIMES!

But yeah, I'mma focus on the awesome, helpful, friendly phone call I had with Apple support.  The end.

Monday, 12 October 2020

Gobble, Gobble

A very happy Thanksgiving to any of my Canadian friends and readers. 

Or, should we be more honest and say a very happy day where you make things so you can put gravy on them.  Happy gravy day!

P.S. Have had the big comforter, and Summer quilt on all week.  Might be throwing on another blanket soon... who knows?  Am slowly putting away my fans one by one, and I officially turned my radiators on yesterday and pulled out my warmest pjs.   I might be admitting it's actually Fall now!

Saturday, 10 October 2020

I'm Sorry!

 I feel really guilty right now because in my dream last night/this morning (?) I was waiting for an airplane (getting a few airplane dreams lately) and there was a married pilot also waiting (and we might have been in the "Big Brother" tv show house??) and he and I were SO incredibly attracted to each other but he was married and then at the end of the dream he was hanging on his bed (see Big Brother house) and we just "couldn't help" but like make out kiss each other and then I pushed away and was like NO and I felt guilty then and I feel guilty now and I'M SO SORRY DREAM WIFE!  

Friday, 9 October 2020


Ugh, I just got super stressed and overwhelmed by a couple of things I need to do (or kind of "should" maybe do) and not they're not life or death but now I'm stressed, overwhelmed, and feeling anxiety and I  just want to whine about the fact that this adult stuff sucks.  There's no real break, everything is just like, all the time and there's no "holiday" like when you were a kid and you got the entire summer off to do NOTHING BUT PLAY and I hate having to constantly adult, especially with the addition of anxiety/panic because now everything is just THAT MUCH HARDER AND EXHAUSTING and sigh.  

I'd fall on the ground and kick and scream if I didn't think it'd disturb my neighbours.  Plus that's not really something I remember doing as a kid anyway... 

Sigh.  Why'd I gotta be in charge of everything anyway?


Thursday, 8 October 2020

I Imagine I'm Not The Only One

I feel like in some ways everything stopped in March.

Like, I remember reading/hearing about a novel coronavirus outbreak in Wuhan China at the end of last year and shrugging it off like most of the other epidemic type things (and even the last few pandemics if I'm honest).  Yes, I heard about it from there... I have friends of friends who live in Hong Kong and they mentioned their kids coming out of school and still it felt like "far away thing".

And then it hit other countries, I think it was Italy that was heavy hit "early on"?  And then there was a case here (like, North America) and then New York got bad and I kept that feeling of what I assume is denial?  "Well, these things never really come here" or "Well the bird flu wasn't that bad"  or "Oh, well the swine flu didn't affect me at all anyway" but I started to see people around in masks and gloves and I got uncomfortable and nervous because I didn't know what I should be thinking/feeling and hey, with a system already prone to overreacting due to anxiety I didn't want to run screaming down the halls of crazy unnecessarily.  

But then there was that bizarre (yes, I still find it bizarre) run on toilet paper.  Like what even was that ever about other than herd mentality and group panic leading to group panic and I started being more aware of my hands and washing my hands and not touching my face and I remember my Mom at one point saying she wasn't going to Tai Chi any more because lots of her classmates were Chinese and travelled there a lot and I kind of felt like she was maybe being a little racist (?) and over reacting but whatever.... she's an old school trained nurse - she's allowed her safety fears even if I thought they were dumb (turns out probably not, who knew?  my Mom apparently....)  I remember seeing my parents in early March - a home visit, where we talked briefly about the virus and my Mum mentioned she still hadn't gone back to Tai Chi (I asked - she'd not gone in several months at this point) and that she and Dad were being pretty cautious due to their age and Dad's heart situation.  I hugged them both on my way out and looked them in the eye and exchanged "I love yous" and it's been that many months since I have hugged my parents and I have an acute awareness that I may possibly never do so again.  (Big sigh).

I started adjusting my shopping habits some point early March and Jason and I talked about possible lockdown and what would happen if chains of supply got broken and I started adding canned goods to my late night shopping trips (fewer people in the stores) and my anxiety turned to full on panic that second week of March as there started to be a sense that we'd lockdown and we had no idea how that would look or work or how bad it might get and timing wise my regular set of prescriptions got ordered just in time and there was a buzz of anxious energy anywhere you went and the day before lockdown happened I had my prescriptions and a pantry with canned goods and a decent supply of groceries and a regular amount of toilet paper (!) and then it felt like everything stopped.

Our country shut down.  Kind of.  I was scared for the people still working.  I wanted to cheer and yell THANK YOU every time the garbage trucks came by.  I had no idea how dangerous the situation was and it felt to me like every surface was carrying enough of the virus to make me (or anyone) sick.  So I  wore gloves to take out the garbage, thankful that I'd been able to buy some when they were all sold out.  (I quickly switched to handkerchiefs for the environmental impact.)  I struggled to order certain things online (like liquid soap).  I stayed out of stores.  Away from people.  And yes, for a terribly long time I had a really hard time leaving the house at all.  At all.  I'd go for a walk, after days of freaking out about it and I'd have a bandana around my neck.  I'd pull it up when there wasn't room for us to avoid each other on sidewalks (between roads and walls, etc.) and I'd be stressed, but trying to get fresh air.  I had weird panic shopping moments... like I ordered two sets of foot powder from the UK because my anxiety suddenly freaked out that I'd never get any ever again and the company would shut down because of all this and the one full thing of it I had?  Well that didn't factor in.  I panic shopped a LOT in the first while, not knowing if supply would run out.  I tried to reduce the amount of loads of laundry I did and dish washing because what if I ran out of soap and detergent??  I was living with absolute panic anxiety over everything not being ok and not having supplies of.... everything while feeling like I could get deathly sick at any moment and that everyone around me could and would as well.  What would this look like?  Overwhelmed hospitals and dying people in hallways?  Like the stories we'd been hearing out of New York and other places?  I couldn't stop myself from reading the horror stories and the awful illnesses and deaths and that would make me panic even more and I genuinely didn't want anyone to catch it.  Not my family, not my friends, not strangers, not anyone.  It sounded awful, and like the choices were between horrendous death or horrendous non life for... ever.  Damn.

And all this just to say I think a lot of me is still back there in March...waiting for things to go back to "normal".  I suppose that's denial too, eh?  But to look at the calendar and see October feels surreal.  I can look outside as I type this and tell you, yeah, it's a cooler March day.... Spring, you know?  Chilly sometimes...

I know I've been waiting for this to be over since it started.  And while I can understand those professionals who say it might be another year or two, I can not wrap my brain around how that feels or how that looks or how that works.  

There is also the fact that I do not WANT to accept this.  Yes, I know there are always viruses and bacteria around and a lot of the time our bodies come into contact with them and fight them off (thanks for that by the way) and sometimes they don't.  I've had chicken pox, pneumonia, bronchitis, colds, flus, probably a bunch of other things I've forgotten.  And there are the other things like cancer that you can't "catch"... and there are sprained ankles and broken arms and concussions and who knows how many other things I could name, like I GET and understand that all that is out there all the time.  I do not want to live in a hermetically sealed bubble.  I DO want to have a healthy, happy immune system and a healthy body, but this damn virus, being new... being "novel", it's not something I feel comfortable just brushing off.  We're, how many months in and still learning?  So I can't just tell myself it's "no big deal" and if you can, I'm envious of you.  I am certainly calmer about it than I was 6+ months ago but yeah, this whole thing has messed with me big time.  Including my sense of time and reality.  I spent a lot of time in Spring going "this isn't real?" and lots of other people I spoke to had that same feeling.  And lots of other folks are weirded out by how time is "working" lately.  This all is just weird.  Weird, weird, weird, and now you're telling me it's Autumn?  The one before Winter?  Y'all, we didn't even have a Spring!!!!

Wednesday, 7 October 2020


So... um.... how do I know that the last few weeks have been extra stressful?  Well, the grocery delivery I got yesterday (and that was ordered last week) included frozen blueberries and some bananas and that's the only "real" food I actually got... everything else was comfort food or junk food and I can not stop laughing at my past self thinking "f*ck it, I'll just get crap cuz then I'll at least feel better!"


Also, I guess I didn't read the descriptions carefully and now I have a 2kg bag of perogies rather than the small bag of perogies because the bag I got was "on sale" (by 60 cents) and if we can just remember I'm not supposed to be eating gluten or things that are pretty much just carbohydrates and so now I have 2kg's worth to get through, d'oh!

Um, so yeah... I should probably not "let" myself put in orders like that again.  Ahem.  (And no, I'm not admitting what the rest of the order included!)