Friday, 22 January 2021

A Year... Or So

I feel like we're about a year out from when I first started to sort of... wonder about Covid-19...

I know other countries were dealing with it quite intensely long before we were here and I remember hearing about it and quite frankly... I remember brushing it off like I have all the previous pandemic/epidemics before (Swine/Bird flu).  It just didn't seem like something that would be relevant to me or my life.

I remember a conversation with my Mom, maybe Feb of last year where she said she hadn't been attending her Tai Chi class for a while because so many of her classmates travelled to and from China and I remember thinking this was a little bit racist and way over-reactive.

Turns out my Mom was proactive... go figure.

I remember when Covid hit these shores and I remember lockdown and I remember a lot of how I felt at that time.  I remember feeling like it was possibly on every surface.  Handrails, doorknobs, etc etc.  And maybe it was (and maybe it still is) but that pervasive fear and anxiety I had around it has lessened.  I do still use a handkerchief to open doors and touch things outside of my house.  I do still change out of my clothes and wash my hands once I'm home.  And I'm at a point again of "feeling" like my hands are dirty when it has been a while between washes.  There are still a lot of things that give me huge anxiety around it all and still a ton of things I don't know when I will be doing them again (eating out IN a restaurant for example.)  I still have very mixed feelings when I see everyone out and about wearing masks, because I'm happy they're doing it and yet sad that they have to.

Watching parts of the US presidential inauguration on Wednesday (and can I just say how much the term "Second Gentlemen" tickles my fancy!) I was pleased to see all the masks, and anxious about the few hugs I saw here and there.  But I still wish this time in history... wasn't.  That we didn't have all these photos and videos with the proof of this ongoing global pandemic that continues to kill so many and incapacitate so many others.  I suppose I wish I could go back into my Bubble of Denial and just pretend this never happened.  

But it did and it is and we're not through it yet and a year ago doesn't seem as far away as I'm used to.  Last year feels like it was the most bizarre time warp of too long but also somehow short and here we are in a new year that feels quite a lot to me like a continuation of last year. 

Thursday, 21 January 2021


*Pokes head out from hidey hole*

Hello?  Are we ok?  I think we're ok???

Wednesday, 20 January 2021


Am typing this yesterday (19th) to post this morning (20th) and really don't know what to say.

I hate that any of us are impacted in any way by things going on in an entirely different country but... it just sort of is what it is.

Do I think "big bad" things will happen today?  I hope not, but I think there will be upset of some kind and I think I'm going to have to work to keep myself from "train wreck rubbernecking" at it...

Here's hoping for the best and, yeah, this is the post I decided to make cuz um... yeah.... Kind of don't know what else to say, like if I post about the mild Winter we've had so far and then things get really weird in the States it's going to be a weird post to read?


Kind of hope today's just a Wednesday in January, you know?

Tuesday, 19 January 2021


I have a January birthday.

I don't bring this up to elicit happy birthday wishes, I bring this up because I realized this weekend that my last birthday was pandemic free and that this birthday will be my first in.... lockdown or, whatever?

I suppose I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself because I had to ask Jason if I could see him on my birthday and then I realized that I couldn't technically see anyone else and even though I knew this when I asked him it still got to me a bit.  (To clarify, in our province, if you live alone, you are allowed to go see "one or two" people while people who live with others can only see their household right now so Jason is my "bubble person" that I am seeing in this stage of things.)

I know we kind of already did this over Christmas and during that time I did have a couple of drive by visits but I still had a moment or two of sadness and I had one this weekend over this birthday being ...weird and a little lonely.  And I realized that January/February and a few March birthdays will be the only folks who didn't go through a weird birthday in 2020 so I guess I'm just catching up to everyone?

In other news... I did read that we basically didn't have a flu season this "flu season".  More flu shots, mask wearing, hand washing and physical distancing seem to have made a significant difference and in the article I read they said we'd had like... six cases?  rather than the usual thousand and something.  That's significant.

I don't know if mask wearing when symptomatic (cold/flu type symptoms) is something that will continue with folks once this pandemic is declared over.  I know most of us don't like wearing that mask, but I also know other countries where it has been a common thing for a long while and so I guess I will try to hope that some things change after this?  It would be nice if a more comprehensive "stay home from work when sick" leave sort of thing was supported and the hand washing, well that would be great to keep up.  The social distancing I'd imagine is one thing we're all looking forward to removing but what about the idea of cancelling activities and events for yourself when you feel under the weather?  Will folks still do that?

I don't know if people have changed their views on how colds/flus spread and if they'll keep that in mind going forward or if once this whole thing is as gone as it possibly can be, if they'll just try to "go back" to a normal they remember.  I guess we'll see, but I think the lack of "flu season" is really good news, and kind of what I had hoped and expected to hear.

Monday, 18 January 2021


Yeah... I'm just really not doing all that well right now.

I'm fine, pretty much, but very overwhelmed and so my days right now are on the level of "coping" and doing the things that absolutely have to be done and that's about the limit of what I can manage.

And yes, it sucks.

There's also the reality of a few weeks of not blogging and therefore being out of that habit and pattern and finding it a real struggle to try to push back into it, especially when.... see above.

America is imploding, but not, but very much so.  Vaccines are... I don't even know, happening but not but they are.  Covid is still rampant and not good and frightening and unsettling and everyone everyone everyone has opinions and thoughts about what should be done or how it's being handled and I'm exhausted by it, personally.

My new sandwich neighbours (one above, one below, they're the bread I'm the filling!) are noisier than their predecessors and it's setting off anxiety attacks (not really sure why?)

My parents are aging.  During a pandemic where I can't see them in person (beyond outside at a distance with masks on, weather dependent, in winter.) 

I'm having to deal with work related things and... that's so stress filled I can't even.  Which of course means money stress and yeah no.

I'm sure I've had times like this before, but maybe it's been long enough that it's just that unfamiliar.  Or maybe this is worse or I don't know, I really don't.

Just... not much calm right now and it's wearing on me.  Sometimes it feels like I'm about to explode or lose it and other times it feels like I just need to ride it out.  I don't know... and I think part of it this time is I'm not sure what the most stressful/anxiety producing thing is.  Like previously I'd be able to tell you oh X set me off and now I'm upset about ALLLLLLL the other things, but this time it feels a lot more nebulous so like I'm less able to figure out how to calm myself?

Am I really that anxious about what may come out of the states?  Is that setting me on edge more than anything?  And if so, how do I disengage?  Is it ..... leftover stress from the holidays?  Is it Covid?  Like, who's the culprit here and I'll try to sort it you know?  

And it's hard not to be hard on myself, not to tell myself that this is all my fault for not being strong enough or working hard enough at being "ok" or whatever other thing part of my brain tries to complain at me about.   I'm babbling, I know that.  I also keep closing this page and then thinking of something else I want to say and uh yeah... happy Monday?  D'oh.

(No need to worry, am venting, it's ok.)

Monday, 11 January 2021


Had what I think is my first Covid-pandemic dream.  It was the type of dream I've taken to call a "stress dream" because they're stressful and unhappy and not restful but not awful enough to be a nightmare.  Just... like... stressful.

So I was, in this dream, recalling the trip I took a few years back down to Seattle to meet up with and visit some Burning Man friends.

In the dream I was basically remembering and going through the moment we (my car full of folks) got to friend's house and we all met and hugged everyone and then sat down to talk and talk and while I was thinking about all the hugging it occurred to me that none of us were wearing masks and not only that, but I'd AIR travelled to the STATES and I sort of had to half wake myself up to point out that no, I wasn't anywhere other than my bed and when I *had* actually gone to Seattle and hugged my friends it wasn't during a pandemic and none of us had been or got sick and yeah... I guess I'm both missing people and stressed about staying safe.


Saturday, 9 January 2021

Stalling Out

Honestly, I feel really stalled right now.

Like, I can't even explain it or find the "right" words because I'm not even sure myself what it is that's going on or, more to the point, not going on maybe?

Paralyzed maybe?  Emotionally or something?

I'm sure there are "experts" out there reassuring us that this is a collective trauma we're experiencing and that on top of that the stuff going on in the States is incredibly difficult to deal with even if you try to laugh it off and even if you pretend your own country has no similar issues... (which I know isn't true and I'm horrified and terrified and yeah... frozen).

So I'm sure those experts would tell me to just chill and relax and focus on self care and that it's ok to not be focussed on achieving right now.  But I have my own experience with depression and how easy it is to slip into that dark dark heavy space where things are so much harder to do and energy is so very difficult to find and so I don't want to let myself be right now because while I have not experienced a global pandemic before, I have experienced the crush of depression before and this time of year it is extra.... there.  It's extra hard.  Yes I have my S.A.D light, yes I'm trying to get out, especially on the sunny days.  Yes, I'm trying to be kind to myself and to celebrate the little things that aren't actually little.  Woah, you got laundry done?  NICE!  And then not berate myself for thinking that's something to celebrate because it is... I have clean socks and underwear again and am no longer running low on either.  Plus I did a thing.

And I mean that's not me saying I'm depressed right now although I suppose I am a tad, it's more like it's hard for me to admit things are difficult and it's hard for me to admit that I wish I was different.  Inside.

An example... you may know that I run a personal (but private... attempted pen name sort of thing, sound familiar? sigh) art page.  A while ago, Jason pointed out that both FB and IG (owned by FB) share photos in threes in their layout.  And once that visual was triggered for me it's been pretty impossible for me to take it back and I feel like I HAVE TO post in sets of three.  Especially now that if I don't it makes things look "uneven" and even if I tell myself it's just me that notices, there's that part of me that gets genuinely anxious feeling that it's not ok.  I don't know if it's fear of judgement or fear of "error" or what, I just know I stressed and stressed this morning over what photo to share and which was good enough and then all the things wrong with that photo and it wasn't .... I don't even know, I was just frozen... stalled out.  It's a horrible feeling.

And part of that "horrible" is wishing I were different.  Like I wish I was light and carefree and unbothered.  And there is a train of thought (ACT - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) that suggests accepting and working with your thoughts rather than fighting them but I have a really hard time with that because DO NOT WANT.  But that not wanting is pretty darn hard on me.  But then am I not just not wanting to not want?

I do understand that to some extent this may be an "artist" problem... and I do see the perfectionism there.  But I also am not sure what to do about it all... and knowing that this is just one example.  And that's not even starting on the "well what's the point of it all?" that I touch on from time to time.  What's the point of me sharing on social media at frigging all?  To sell artwork?  Well that ain't happening.  Not sure it ever will.  (Sure I've sold a piece or two but that's very different than actively trying to sell.) Is the point for me to gain followers and some level of "fame"?  Again... why?  So then is the sharing just to share?  Ok... why?  For attention?  For companionship?  Just cuz that's something I've done all my life?  (You grow up dancing you grow up performing... sharing and showing your "art", right?)  So then if it's just to do... just to do... then why does it bother me so?

A friend of mine shared a selfie the other day and she looked exhausted in it.  I wondered if perhaps she had not meant to post it but someone commented "long week?" and she said yeah... so how did she knowingly, purposely put out a photo of herself where she didn't look "good"?  

I'm babbling, I know... it's what I do here.  Or what I'm working to re-allow myself the permission to do here, right?  

But yeah, artistically really weird space right now.   Maybe I'll tell myself it's ok to let that go for a little while, like a couple more days after the events of this week and the anxiety around the pandemic and all the other seemingly little things that really do add up to quite a lot.  Straws on a camel's back and all.

Friday, 8 January 2021


Guess what I'm typing on and looking at RIGHT NOW???!!!!!!

If you guessed "laptop back from the shop" you're right and hey, happy news right now is like... extra welcome, you know?

Got a bunch of stuff to catch up on, blogging is low on that list but yeah, laptop's back, phew... that was a long couple of weeks, wow.

Sunday, 3 January 2021


It's been 11 days without a fully functional laptop... which has been.... uh... different (AND DIFFICULT!) Sigh.

I knew I had habits and patterns, and I even knew that they weren't necessarily healthy and that changing them would be positive, but things happening the way they did hasn't really been the positive change one might imagine... it's been a little bit more like taking away a junkie's vice, cold turkey... and them having to find worse ways to handle the ick.

I'm not making sense... that's ok.  I'll spell it out.  One of the main ways I've been coping this last (long) while with my mental health and especially the anxiety is to, what I call, distract.  So I go online.  I check social media.  I scroll through things.  I "like" things.  Often, I'll post some art (if I have some made) or something.  And so off and on through the day it's like these little mini bursts of attention.  I play games on and off on my phone.  While simultaneously watching a show on my laptop while popping in and out of social media sites, while messaging whoever.  And doing that has helped me distract myself during some really really bad times.  It has absolutely been a coping mechanism.  A survival strategy.  And it has become something of a habit, for lack of a better term.

I have been trying to adjust... to spend less time in front of a screen... in front of screens.  But yeah, some days it's hours and hours of it.

I think I mentioned a couple of years ago that my laptop was getting old and showing signs of not lasting much longer, so I ended up leasing a new (2018) laptop.  It wasn't what I wanted to do but financially it was what worked, as I wanted to be able to use digital programs like Photoshop and Capture One (art and photography) and keep working on my digital art and photography.  And I've never been one for buying used machines.  Call it a superstition if you want, but for me it's more like I believe a little bit of the soul of a person "gets into" a computer, and I prefer mine "clean".  Shrug.

When I got that leased laptop, it didn't work well from the start.  Apple's new at the time "butterfly" keyboard was a failure (they've since moved on from them) and had to be replaced pretty much right away.  There were also glitch issues with the screen (display) but they weren't able to replicate them when I took it in.  And let's be honest, taking your machine into the shop, even a good shop, means you don't have your machine for a while.  Usually around 10 days I find.  Which is a pain in the ass.  Normally I have an old (previous) laptop as a backup, but it was really starting to struggle.  Fairly significantly.

So when I got it back with the new keyboard and the still glitching display, I just started tracking the issues to see if I could figure out the problem on my own.  

And then Covid hit and I didn't want to have to a) go in to the shop and b) deal with a time without a computer, so I just... let it go.  And then the replacement keyboard started to be a jerk.  But I still didn't want to deal with it. 

A couple of months ago, I came to the point in the lease agreement where you were able to "exchange" (really just give up the current lease and start a new lease with a new laptop) and as I still don't have the ability to financially buy a new one flat out (or get a loan, etc.) I decided to start again with a new lease and try to (hopefully) save up enough to buy it out in a year (or two?)  So I called and arranged that.  

I then also contacted Apple to talk about the display issue and the keyboard.  The guy I talked to was awesome and said I was good for a replacement keyboard and he said he was concerned that the glitch I was seeing might be a logic/mother board issue (I can't remember) and he made a note of things and told me to go in and I said... well.... Covid....

And I didn't go in.  I figured once the replacement laptop turned up and I had to go in anyway, I'd have them fix the issues before they tried to resell the unit (or whatever they do.)

A few weeks ago I opened the laptop up from "sleep" and the screen went... grey?  Nothing "woke up" so I did a hard restart and... things seemed fine.  Must be that darn logic board I thought.  Oh well, new laptop will be here soon!

And then it was Christmas Eve.  I was already a little stressed by holiday stuff and pandemic holiday stuff and so my plan was to watch some Christmas movies and just zone out for the evening/night.  I liked this plan a lot.

I opened my laptop from sleep and PINK SCREEN NO GREEN NO GREY NOPE PINK PINK PINK PINK.


Hard restart....


Um... shit.

I tried safe restarts, I tried all the tricks I knew or could google on my phone.  Party on the screen was all I got.  Jason is my Apple-computer-knowing-friend and he was busy and didn't have any advice with the texts and photos I sent him.

It was half an hour before the shop was closing, I figured I'd call them and find out how long it was going to be til I could get it in (as I knew they were closing for the holidays.)

I got an awesome young man and explained that "my laptop had just pooped the bed" (I'm sorry, I babble when I'm stressed and pretending not to be.)  He told me it would be Monday before they were open again (four days) and probably the Wednesday after that before the tech could look at it.  I explained that the screen was pink/green/flashy and he asked me if I had a tv or external monitor I could plug it in to... he wondered if it was a display issue (rather than a logic board issue, which is what I'd been assuming).  Well I do have a (used, older) external monitor but it stopped connecting with my laptop a couple of months ago.  (sigh)  But I thought I'd give it a try as I was chatting with the fellow on the phone.  Thanks to Santa or something, I plugged it in and IT WORKED!  IT CONNECTED!  I told the phone guy soon and he said that that confirmed it was a display issue.  I thanked him very much and said I'd be in on Monday and happy holidays.

So I was able to uncomfortably use the laptop while it was plugged in to this external display.  While desperately trying not to jiggle the cable just in case.  

I wasn't able to do my usual "lie or recline on couch with laptop on lap" but I was able to at least use it, and I was able to turn the monitor so I could see it from my couch and so I got to watch Christmas movies on Christmas Eve after all (which was lovely) and I really felt like I had made the best of my situation.

I know a bare sort of minimum about these machines and so I know that there's a cable that passes around where the hinge of the laptop is and I suppose it's a weak spot.  But out of habit, I closed the laptop up, ugh...

When I went to open it the next time, I noticed a pause on the flickering of the PARTY ON THE SCREEN pink.  Hmmm.... I thought.

I closed the laptop back up and opened it very very slowly... 

At first opening, and right up to about 30 degrees (angle) the screen was "normal" enough that I could use it.  It wasn't actually fully working, but it was working enough!  Enough that I could lie comfortably on my couch and slip my fingers to most of the keyboard and see enough of the screen to use it.  YAY!

Well, I mean not yay really but yay more than nothing.  You know?

So over the next few days I limped along with the broken display as best I could.  Sometimes carefully attached to the external display, sometimes physically relaxed, but with a barely open laptop.  It was... bizarre and less than ideal.  

And I tried to do other things.  Non computer using things.  (But I know my phone usage went up.... yep)

On the Monday, I took my laptop in right after they opened.  (After posting one last "uh oh" post here.)

I came home and pulled out my old (2012) laptop to see what I might be able to use it for.  I knew from earlier in the year that the video card (?) was done.  It had "broken" when I was attempting to use Netflix or something video heavy, and so I just decided to only use my phone for videos and just use the laptop for things like emails and checking (stupid) FB.

The old laptop has been puttering along valiantly.  I have not pushed it at all.  I haven't even shut it down just in case.

But yeah, now my phone usage has exploded.  And I don't think my head/eyes are particularly in love with this plan.  Watching movies and shows on a phone is less than ideal.  Although I am very grateful for it and very grateful that it's a slightly larger screen than the 5 I started the year with!

I did try to figure out if I could have the external display connect to the phone to at least make watching things easier on my eyes, but it's a strange sort of cable that's needed and I didn't feel like trying to find one that works just for a week or two.

Well you guys?  This has really thrown me off.  Not being able to multi task (I can't play on my phone while watching something on my phone after all... well I can, but not well.)  Not being able to be comfortable while I check in on social media or what have you.  Just... an unwanted shock to my routine.  To my habits.  And most importantly, to my comfort coping mechanisms at a very stressful time of year.

The shop contacted me on Wednesday or Thursday to let me know they were replacing the display and the keyboard (I'd told them about both, plus there was a record of me talking to Apple I assume).

They said they hoped by Thursday of the next week.  I knew things wouldn't be quick, what with holidays and New Years and Covid and even possibly shipping issues.

I also asked if they could tell me where in the world (literally) the new laptop was and they explained that there had been lots of delays at Apple but that it had just shipped and was somewhere in the Bering sea (which is weirdly not reassuring, all I can think of is giant waves!)

So I suppose there's a possibility that the new laptop will arrive before the old laptop is fixed, but I'm not counting on that.  And I'm glad things are getting fixed, even if it wasn't my favourite timing AT ALL.

I'm curious to see if (assuming I get it back) the other glitch still happens or if it was the display all along... we shall see.  Or someone will see... eventually.

I'm struggling with the current situation but trying to do the best I can with it all.  It's one of those things I don't really have much "control" over, so I can just try to manage, you know?

I would love to tell you that since I don't have a working laptop I've totally changed my habits and patterns and all sorts of good things, but that hasn't happened (yet.)

I'm anxious about the new laptop because it will likely kill the big programs I use (Photoshop and Capture One) and I can't really afford to buy any new ones outright and stupid Adobe has their stupid cloud stupid things that I also can't really afford and REALLY REALLY dislike on principle.  I'm fine buying a program but to have to pay yearly usage?  That ticks me off (to put it mildly).  Big time.  But I'm trying not to borrow worry as they say and just deal with whatever happens when the new laptop eventually is in my hands.

I am SUPER thankful that the external monitor worked when I most needed it (and holding my breath a little that it might work again with the new laptop?) and I am EXTREMELY thankful that this laptop (that I'm typing on right now on what may always be my favourite keyboard... sigh) is working as well as it is (knock on wood, fingers crossed).

I did, of course, make a backup of the laptop as soon as I realized it was a display isssue (and not an entire system crash) and I'm glad I make regular backups monthly.

Oh, and did I mention my tertiary backup died?

YEAH!  Fun, right?

So I also have ordered a replacement secondary backup external drive thingy because up until recently (this last laptop) I just kept all my files on my laptop.  Jason suggested this wasn't the best, so when I leased the laptop I also purchased an external drive and have been keeping all my photos and digital art (and writing) on it.

And since I know they fail, I'm kind of scared of losing everything.

So... another backup for files is coming.  And yes, I'm aware that they could both go and I could lose everything and that does happen.  But... I'm trying to do the best I can and hoping for the best and realizing this is the new reality of digital files.

I mean, artists and photographers can lose physical files in fires or floods or through theft so... it just is what it is I guess.

Anyway... I was sitting there last night thinking "I wonder if I can log on to my blog and type out a post?" and sure enough I can.

Because yeah... I can't log on to most things because my passwords are all stored on the laptop I don't currently have and I don't have any of them memorized and no, I don't use a password manager.  (yet?)

So there are a bunch of things I'm not able to do right now.  Like I realized and had to contact my therapist to let him know I don't have the ability to do our scheduled video session this week (cuz I won't have the working laptop back yet and this one won't handle it, plus I don't have the sign in info).

I can't sign in to my bank to look over my banking info and stuff like that.  It made me realize how much I rely on that laptop for a lot of things.

I know I could reset all my passwords and all that, but I'm trying to keep things simple and easy rather than over complicating an already ugh situation.

So that's my non update update.  Another week without a full laptop.  And then who knows how long until a completely new laptop and the bumpy transition I expect from/with that and seeing what works and what got borked.  I mean I'm two OS's behind as it is, just to keep things that I have now working.

My phone is sure going to appreciate the break when it gets to go back to just being a phone rather than a streaming tv service again!

Saturday, 26 December 2020


I'm currently writing this on a jerry-rigged monitor set up situation (that includes crossing my fingers for good luck) as my laptop's display went bonkers (aka broke) a couple of days ago.  Good timing eh?

So if there are no posts for a while that means the laptop went in for repairs and I don't have another way to post.  

So just in case, Happy New year!  Although I certainly hope to have the/a laptop back by then but with the holidays and all who knows.


Thursday, 24 December 2020

The Strangest Year

I was just sitting here, contemplating a walk on what has turned out to be a very chilly day and my brain was talking to itself and....

Me:  It's Christmas Eve!  I can tell because there are things around that show me... like cards and a practically empty advent calendar and a gift or two.  Christmas Eve, I should... listen to some carols and watch some movies and stuff.

Also me:  I have no idea what day it is.  Or season.  I don't think it's Spring anymore because I have a hot water bottle and a blanket but yeah, this feels like most of the other days I've had this year.  

Still me:  This is weird.  I wonder what psychological term applies to this... weirdness.

Merry Eve, y'all.  Stay well.

Wednesday, 23 December 2020

Well, Here We Are

Here we are, at the very tail end of a year that has been... just.... a lot.  

I mean, lots of years are a lot and I'm not saying this year has been "the worst" for everyone but this year has had that extra layer of the global pandemic for us all.

And usually with the end of a year and the start of another there can be a sort of a break... a sense of renewal, change, difference.

I wonder what this January will bring.

Christmas is also coming, er, like now... so that's a thing that is both happening and not quite happening.

I'm still not entirely sure what, if anything, I'm doing.  According to the rules in BC at the moment, I'm allowed to see "one or two" people due to the fact that I live alone, and so Jason is my bubble person and I will likely see him on Christmas day.  He's decided we will do a "big dinner" on the 26th, and when he said this I might have cried a little... and I'm honestly not even sure why?  I told him it upset me and he pointed out it's what we've done the "last few years" and I guess my brain just thought something different.

I know the last two or three (?) Christmases have been different for me.  I got quite sick a few years ago and I now believe it was mainly the stress of it all and that year I didn't even have the ability, physically, to attempt to see family and from what I remember Jason picked me up and took care of me and I slept most of the day.  I saw my family a few days later and it was far more relaxing and yes, I did call or text them or something on the 25th to let them know I was ill and Merry Christmas but that break... that year of NOT seeing family and all the stress and upset that has gone with that... well, I guess I realized it was ok to step away and do my own thing on the actual day of and so I've spent the last few Christmases quietly and dealt with family on either side of the actual day.  It still feels a little weird, but hey, sanity and health right?

This year, as I mentioned the other day, seeing family is just not an option and I'm mostly fine with that.  I'm 100% fine with it due to Covid and just a little less fine with it if Covid suddenly disappeared (that makes sense in my head.. I'm saying I'm totally ok with not seeing family this year due to it being the safest and wisest, and only allowed thing.)  

I have gifts for my parents and will drop them off for them likely today or tomorrow (weather depending... I mean we had rain/snow on Monday my gosh!) and I would imagine there might be a FaceTime or two on the day but if I'm totally honest they're tiring... the video calls.  Maybe that's just me but yeah... tiring.  We shall see.  But yeah, somehow the idea of waiting until the 26th to have a "Christmas dinner" was the first thing I've teared up over this holiday season, even though I haven't had a Christmas dinner on Christmas day (according to Jason) in a few years and the years I've been with family... well, I can't actually remember the last time I stayed long enough for dinner so it's probably been a good chunk of years since I've done that on the 25th but for whatever reason, this year it stung.

It's maybe because I can't see family, which honestly feels different than choosing not to see them.  Sure, I'm less stressed this year but there is also a sense of loss I suppose.

Whatever you're doing this Christmas, or this week or this month, I hope you are safe and well and taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health.  

I haven't made any posting decisions so I'll see you again when I see you.  Take care, stay safe, big hugs.


Tuesday, 22 December 2020


I was re-reading some of my personal diary entries from the start of the year... to see how I felt January of this year and then to see how I felt as Covid hit our shores and we went into lockdown.

I found an entry from the 11th of March and I just, well, I wanted to hug me or something...

Here's an exerpt:

"A part of me is scared of this Coronavirus.  I'm not sure what is is that scares me though.... 

The idea of getting sick? People I love getting sick? Society crumbling?  How bad society might handle it?  I don't know.

I'm just unhappy and anxious and getting miserable about it all.

I hope it goes away soon."

Oh... me too.... me too.

And I did.  I really wanted it to be a short lived thing.  Maybe a couple of months.  And when I heard initial predictions that it might be around for "a few years" I tried as best I could to not think too hard on that and what that would look like or mean because I had no idea.  Clearly.

I still do hope it goes away soon but I'm far more realistic about the fact that that's not really going to happen.

But ouch, this hurt to read and while I've gotten used to certain things and I'm handling certain things better this is still hard and I do not like it and I wish it would all just go away.


Monday, 21 December 2020


Ahhhhh, we made it.  

("We" in the Northern Hemisphere anyway.)

I know we're still in the darkest time of year and I know Winter now starts but now, now we've hit Solstice and that means the days start to get imperceptibly longer and lighter again!

Phew.  Happy Solstice all, may the coming months and seasons bring you health, comfort and joy.

Oh, and there's a planet thing happening right now too so if that's your kind of thing and you have clear skies tonight, go take a look!

Friday, 18 December 2020

I'll Have You Know

You're talking to a like serious super genius right now because it only took me THREE sets of burnt toast to realize I'd accidentally knocked the "temperature" button on my toaster when I was cleaning it.  ONLY THREE!