The background of my brain is often working on figuring things out and for a while now.... a couple of years certainly, it's been trying to figure out how I feel about my photography. And also a bit about my art.
I got most of the way through a 365 art thing this year and did an ink drawing a day in October and parts of November, and I'm doing an ink drawing a day again for December. And I'm trying to figure out what kind of photography I ... most want to pursue... or fall naturally towards or how to improve it or where I want to go with it or do with it and what does it all mean anyway sort of general unease.
The ink drawings I'm doing right now (sixteen or so days in) have been a single line drawing. No real reason, I just started playing with the idea of not lifting the pen off the paper and the result was cool and I figured why not go with it for the month.
And then Saturday night I added some watercolour to the drawing I'd done and while it didn't quite work the way I'd envisioned, it was a cool experiment and a good starting point and it didn't bother me too much because I hadn't been that invested in the result anyway.
Which, I realized with a bit of a mental thud, is very different from how I'm approaching my photography right now.
With my photos? I want them to be good. At least good, I'd be happier if they were amazing or great but I want them to be good... and I get disheartened when I don't feel they are.
Whereas with the art I've done this last fifteen or so days, I haven't cared if it's good, I've just been playing around and trying to keep up with the challenge of doing some drawing every day.
It feels different, and it's not making me unhappy, so I'm trying to figure out if/how I can apply that to my photography.
Part of it is that I feel it's much easier to play around and experiment with pen and paper or other media than I feel it is with a digital camera. I mean... what am I supposed to "experiement" with? Making things blurry? Dark? Light? Angles? Doing weird editing? I don't know...
Maybe I should make myself a very odd assignment for the rest of the month... like... a photo a day that's edited to look purposely fake. Remembering that by "editing" I don't mean photoshop (I don't own photoshop or know how to use it) I just mean, make it too dark or purple or.... sideways or something, I don't even know what I mean... and maybe if I just get used to posting photos (that's part of the art thing, I'm sharing them, although not sure anyone's actually looking) that I "know" aren't good it might help? Somehow?
But there's the part of me that remembers the conversations I've had with Jason about how as a professional photographer, he's very selective about what he puts out there, only his best work goes out.
I'm not a pro. I don't even know if I can call myself anything other than someone who likes to take photos for fun (it makes me cringe when Jason suggests I'm a "hobbyist") so do I care if I put out things that aren't "my best"? Should I?
I don't know...
There's just something for me to look at and figure out about the difference between feeling stuck in my photography right now and feeling free in my art.
I'd like to find a way to take that free feeling into my photography.
Even if that only makes sense to me.