Tuesday, 21 January 2020

Grump. Ugh

I keep waking up in not so good moods lately.  Like, grumpy, or sad, or anxious, or in the case of one day last week, utterly furiously mad.  It's not fun!

I can probably put it down in part to not feeling like I have much to look forward to these days, as well as some specific things stressing me out.  And "winter blues" as they call them... those too.

Jason mentioned the other day that he knows I've been depressed since Christmas and I sort of went "huh?  I have?"  but I suppose that's not too far of a stretch.  It was a hard one this year with the family stuff I only half mentioned, and I haven't taken the time to really process it or deal with it or even really talk to anyone about it.  (Although when I mention it to friends they all nod and say "yeah, it's hard isn't it?" so I know it's not just a me thing....)

I do try to beat those blue mornings when they come but damn if it isn't an icky way to start the day.  And if, heaven forbid, I have a poor sleep on top of that?  Well then we best just call it a day and not interact with any other humans because no one needs to deal with that!  Not even me!

Sigh.  *Knock on wood*  for good sleeps and happy, or at least neutral, mornings.

Monday, 20 January 2020

Last Week

So last week it snowed.  And more than just a skiff, which, to be honest, was all I was expecting at first, but then all the weather sites I checked started saying the same thing (and not just copying Environment Canada) and I thought hmmm, maybe it will actually snow!

And then it snowed a little.  And then they said hey, we're getting some more and we did.  I figure a foot overnight.  And I won't get into how little that seems to the rest of Canada and the States that get Snow (tm) I'll just say it was pretty and I enjoyed it and it kind of shut down the city for most of a day. 

I was happy to have the cold weather gear I have invested in over the years, including the snow boots I do not have any memory of buying but am glad I did!

I'd still like to get something with slightly better traction, I do have some things I can slip on the bottom of my regular boots but they're not as grippy as I'd like, so I ended up using the snow boots for the actual deep snow day and my hiking boots for the rest of it.  And, if I may gripe a bit, walking on the sidewalks wasn't much fun.  And even less fun once the temperatures warmed up a bit and things started melting. 

The snow's gone now, as of yesterday morning.  Other than the piles made by shovels and plows... they'll stick around a while making us all think it's Spring, when really, we're only just a month in to Winter!

I went out on the first small snow day and made sure I had.... you know, essentials!  (Foods that I didn't need but wanted and regular food for normal eating!)  As I said to one of the ladies at a checkout "if we're going to have weather, we may as well have chocolate!"  Because, am I right or am I right?  Heh.

So it was a quiet week and the snow's gone now and we're back to mild and rainy and I wonder if we'll get another snow this Winter.... we shall see!

Thursday, 16 January 2020


We sure did get snow.  About a foot!  Or... about 30 cm.  Crazy!  I got woken up by a snow plow in the middle of the night and then I watched him box in a few cars, oh dear...

It warmed up yesterday but now they're calling for major wind (last night) so.....

Stay warm and safe I guess if you're in these parts?

I've been quite happy to have had things cancelled and wander the neighbourhood and then come back into my cozy place. 

Wednesday, 15 January 2020


So I'm typing this last night (and posting it this morning...) and as I'm typing this it's been snowing most of today and all of this evening.

I went out to take a look and enjoy it and I took a couple of phone photos and a video and then I walked down the street and saw some cool icicles on a car and the pretty snow in the light and the snow against a tree and I took photos of all of those things, my one hand out of my mittens and I stuck my phone back in my pocket when a snowflake landed right on the lens!

When I got inside to see how my photos had turned out, I was only slightly embarrassed to see I'd not taken a series of photos but a weird video of said icicle and then me grunting to stand back up and swinging the camera up at the light and back around at the tree and whoops!  Turns out I was on video that whole time!!!

So, um, yeah.... no icicle photos for me! Heh.

(Also I have no idea how much will have fallen overnight so by the time this post gets posted it might be a snow day, who knows.... although they're calling for rain today so probably not!)

Tuesday, 14 January 2020


So, yeah, um, it snowed.

Which... super pretty of course.  I do love watching it fall.

But also, man, snow in this town is hard to deal with.  Mostly, in my view, because we don't get it enough for folks to be set up for it the way they kind of should be.

Like, I actually felt unsafe walking around yesterday because what snow fell overnight got either driven on (road) or walked on (sidewalk) and then that turned to ice.... because that's what happens most of the time with our snow falls.  And then there was a skiff of snow on top of that so it's like hidden black ice.  Which is frustrating to try to walk on.  But the people who salted or cleared their sidewalks make it totally fine... it's the icy parts that are difficult to deal with.

I've been lucky in that I've not needed to drive so far (we'll see how today and tonight goes) so that's a huge weight off, but when I was walking yesterday I actually felt like I might have been safer as the roads were pretty clear (for the most part) but the sidewalks were iffy. 

Anyway... I'm whining and complaining a little but it was one of those snowfalls... enough to be a bit of a bother, plus some melting and freezing to add that bonus ice that honestly does kind of suck.

I miss the days of giant dumpings that are just... snow snow and snow.  Those, combined with a couple of cold sunny days after are lovely.  But... still.  It's pretty, and likely short lived.  And rare.  Sorry if I sound extra whiny to those of you who deal with it for months at a time!  We just really suck at it in this town.... and I say that lovingly as someone who isn't "from" here... sigh.

Monday, 13 January 2020

Such A Weird Brain!

So I had a dream last night that I was out this morning clearing the snow from the sidewalks because Hey it snowed!!!! (in real life!!!) and because or building manager rarely does and someone reminded me last night that it's technically the law to do so for your building/home.  So, yeah, in this dream, I was out with this shovel brush (which I don't own in reality) and no, I'm not sure if it was a shovel or a brush, it was a dream magic tool and I cleared the sidewalks yay me! 

But as I was coming in, my building manager (woman) and another woman who was, in the dream, another manager and a man (also a building manager in the dream) were being escorted out of the building, the two ladies hadn't had time to put their tops on and all three of them looked rather disheveled and I was like OMG they were having sex?????

So, yeah... that's a dream that happened, I can't even?!

And yeah, it snowed and is pretty damn cold here today, and we shall see what the day brings weather and safety wise!

Saturday, 11 January 2020


Look what I found!!!

They really do exist!  And now I have the giggles and a full belly.

Friday, 10 January 2020

Full Circle I Suppose?

I had to smile the other day when I realized I'd turned into my mother.  Or, at least, I'd said something I've heard my mother say come out of my mouth!

All the books I'm interested in at the library have long waiting lists of holds on them, so I dropped off some books and did a quick wander into the YA section looking to see if one of the last in a series I was waiting for might just magically have been there (knowing that was unlikely but still... a gal can dream!) and I saw a book by an author I've read before and liked, and so I picked it up, was interested enough in the premise to take it out and so I did, yay!

And when I got home and took it out to look at it again, I realized what a big (600 page) heavy book it is and I said "that's going to be too heavy to hold in bed!" and boom, there it was, me being my mother.  I can't tell you how many times over the years I've heard my mother say this and so it made me smile to have that very thought. 

Now it turns out that this book is actually kind of two books at once, which is, I think, what makes it so heavy and huge (and to be honest, I'd kind of like to read them as separate books and I kind of like one part more than the other, but I'm waiting to see how they tie together as the blurb said they would) and I've managed to read it in bed, but yeah, it's certainly not a one handed read and it does take some adjusting to get it read!

But yeah... I hear ya Mom!  (And thanks for helping me learn to love to read.)

Thursday, 9 January 2020

Hashbrown Heartbreak

Oh man...  I got my heart broken by hashbrowns y'all!

So I kind of like hashbrowns.  Not the stringy things, but the little tiny potato things.  Or, if at a restaurant, I'm ok with the chunky potato square things, but they might be called something else... anyway.... I like em.

Whenever Jason would suggest we have breakfast for dinner, frozen hashbrowns would be purchased and I always think of them as a filling treat.  And potatoes, so healthy too!

With me working with later starting eating times with the intermittent fasting I've been needing to change up what I eat first off in the day, because having some toast and tea isn't cutting it.  I mean, it was never a great breakfast when I wasn't intermittent fasting, but with my not always happy stomach in the mornings I was always sort of trying to get something in while not upsetting things.  So when I started with it all I wanted something decent and filling and my brain said "hey, hashbrowns!"  So I bought me some and for a couple of weeks there I was really enjoying starting my day (mid day) with an egg and some hashbrowns.

I mentioned to Jason that I was a little concerned with having to fry them and he said "yeah, they're not too healthy but if you cook them in the oven you can do it without oil/butter" so I was like yay! and started baking them rather than heating them in the fry pan, yay healthy!

Jason and I were out getting groceries for dinner together one night a few weeks ago and I said something about hashbrowns and he mumbled something again about "not all that healthy" and I was like dude, they're potatoes, that's fine!  And he stopped, looked at me and said "have you actually looked at the ingredients???"



Because I honest to goodness you guys thought they were literally potatoes cut into little tiny squares for my breakfast enjoyment!

Um... spoiler?  They're really not.

But I didn't know that yet, so I marched to the frozen foods department and I pulled out a package of hashbrowns and I flipped them over and I looked at that ingredient list and y'all?  I started laughing.  Because no.  They are SO not just potatoes.  They really are not.  And there I'd been happily baking my "healthy" potatoes for breakfast all proud of myself being all healthy and I had never once thought to look at the ingredients list and whoops!

So I kept breaking out into laughter as we wandered through the rest of the store and for the next week or so I'd half laugh, half sigh in despair at the loss of my break-fast potatoes, so yeah.... hashbrowns broke my heart you guys.  So totally.

Also... can't someone make me pre made little tiny cut up potato bits that I just have to re-heat and that are nice and healthy and filling?  With extra "healthy"?  Pretty please?

Wednesday, 8 January 2020

I See Progress!

I can not speak to anyone's anxiety diagnosis other than my own, so please, this is a reminder to always keep in mind that this is my personal experience and nothing but that.

I feel like I have had a good few steps (leaps?!) forward this last while with getting better.  If that's how to term it.  Man, I'm nervous to speak about anxiety because I am not wanting to make anyone feel anything if they're suffering and although "advice" is in the name of this blog that was never meant to be anything other than a tongue in cheek laugh at my own expense.... anyway...  So I did a thing this weekend that felt like SUCH a huge win for me and it doesn't even matter if no one else understands, I'm so proud of me.

The gym I go to, and have gone to longer than I've had this blog, hello! has a pool.  And I have never been in said pool.  Nor have I ever been in said pool area.  And this, as it turns out, it something that when I would, in the past, consider trying to swim to exercise, I would run up against and stop before I even started.  See, for me, not knowing things can paralyze me.  As in stop me from doing things.  I've never really liked new things and new situations but since Getting Anxiety (TM) (just kidding) it's been pretty damn brutal.

So flash back to a couple of years ago and I wanted to try swimming for health reasons and Jason wanted to get back into it as well so we drove out to the big pool (a drive's away) a couple of times but then he wasn't able to and I didn't want to go by myself so I stopped.  Which is kind of like... meh.  Shrug.  But the gym nearer me has a pool.  Which... never been in.  Or near. 

I've wanted to.  Considered it.  But it's always felt like such a huge obstacle for so many reasons.  One of those reasons was "ick my body" but I kind of worked through that at the other pool the other year... yeah so this is how I look now and if people are looking and judging well, meh... I don't have my glasses on to see them doing that anyway and I want to get some cardio in so here goes.  So cross that off the "can't because" list.

But the big one for me has been not knowing what the pool situation was like at my gym.  I mean, like... all of it.  From what was it like getting to the pool to what was the lane situation to how busy was it to could I wear shower shoes to is there somewhere to put a towel and just ALL OF IT IS SO MUCH AND I JUST CAN'T so I haven't.  For... ever.

About a year ago I sent an email to them asking about busy times and things but they never got back and I felt dumb and so for ages now I've thought "just ask".... like, just ask the front desk to give you a tour.

But then I stopped sort of managing to even go to the gym so... blah.  Meh.  Shrug.  Not a priority.

But I've been to the gym a couple of times over the last few weeks, and no I'm not talking about it because I don't want to do it for external validation I want to just surprise myself with doing it and being ok with it (and by the way I'm super frustrated with my body's complaints and seeming pain-injury-sensitivity stuff UNFAIR!) but this weekend?  I went in and I thought to myself, you know what?  Why don't I just go look.  It's quiet... I'll just... go and peek and maybe that'll make me feel better?

So I went, and I saw the signs about taking of your shoes so I went back to my locker and I took off my socks and shoes and I went through a bunch of doors and down a hallway and I followed the signs and, boom, pool!  I just kind of looked.  I saw some cubbies... I saw the lanes... and as I was standing there a lovely, friendly lifeguard came over and said "Hey, hi!  Do you have any questions?" and I was like YES!  I sure do!  I told her I'd never been in before and she said "here, let me show you around!" and maybe they're always this nice, or maybe it's just that they're expecting people for the New Year Resolution stuff but she told me where things were and I asked her about busy times and lane expectations (most pools have fast/medium/slow sort of lane arrangements) and it was great and then I thanked her and went back to the change room and man oh man am I proud of myself for doing that!  Because it's progress.  It's something tangible that I can say I did that thing that I've been too scared to do for a very long time.  I did it!  And someone might think it's a ridiculous thing to be proud of and all I can say is is that it's not for me.  I just... did it.  You have no idea.

But I do.  And I'm happy.  And hopeful.  And sure, at some point I may be embarrassed that I went (anonymously) public with this but f8ckit.  I did a thing I've been unable to do up until now. That's so great. 

Tuesday, 7 January 2020

Too Much Reality

I'm going to glaze over this one a little, so bear with me here.... but I don't feel like after this Christmas get together I can continue to sort of pretend (if that's what I've been doing) that my parents aren't aging.  Because of course they are.  We all are, if we want to get into that, but I just mean this year I really really noticed.  For whatever reasons.  And it has hit me hard and I think I have some mourning to do.

But I've been distracting, not so much delving in and dealing with it because it hurts and it's upsetting and there are parts of me that are utterly devastated and not wanting to face the truths.  And I can justify things and "well yeah but" things because they're not.... you know... worse.


My parents are actually really super healthy, and "young" for their age.  But I see changes.  And I'm sad.  So very sad.  And to be honest, I'm not entirely sure how to interact with these new people.

Because it does feel like they're something that needs to be handled differently.  Somehow.  And I need to let go of what they used to be for me because I don't think they're capable of being that anymore and that's hard.  And I'm not sure how much of this they know and I don't want to point anything out that might hurt feelings and it strikes me that we often aren't aware of how things were until they change.... "you don't know what you've got til it's gone..."

Indeed.  And so it goes.

Monday, 6 January 2020

The Reality

Well, if you're like a lot of people I know, you'll have squeezed what you could out of the last couple of weeks of holidays.  With the few odd middle of the days off kind of days and what day is it today exactly.  There was a day this last week where I was ecstatic to realize it wasn't Sunday!  It was Thursday!  YAY!  And that was still weird, but ok.  I ran with it.

My anxious parts got riled up this weekend as the "return to reality" started to loom, but I'm probably not alone in having had that feeling.  I dunno, I didn't ask around.

I know this Winter has really only just started but I am wondering if I'm managing it a bit better (or if I should not have potentially jinxed things by saying that) because there's the potential of only so many more time change long long dark times left?  It might not happen soon, but it's more likely that it will happen than not... I hope?  And maybe that potential thought is making the shorter days a bit easier?  Or is it just my imagination?

I'm also maybe a bit more sensitive to the light in the dark and that's not a metaphor, I mean that on some early mornings I've actually been more able to see light outside than I've ever remembered before.... Maybe it's light pollution?  Maybe it's me waking up just a tiny bit later? Maybe it's the lights in the parking area or something, I don't know.  Maybe it's having a bit more control of my mornings and, well, let's not get far into that right now if you don't mind.

So it's Monday, and back to it all and break over and holidays over and I assume we'll keep running towards Spring without even noticing.  I'm wondering how mild our Winter here is going to be... and maybe by saying that I summon a cold spell, who knows!

Anyway.  I hope you're well and you got some rest and aren't feeling like you need a holiday from your holiday time. 

Happy Twenty Twenty... Two Thousand and Twenty?  Happy Two Oh Two Oh. 

Monday, 30 December 2019


Well I hope you are enjoying this period of time between the holidays and the holiday of New Year and I have no idea if you have some down time or vacation time or are working or some combination of all of these but I hope you're enjoying something and again, all the best for the coming year!

Tuesday, 24 December 2019


Happy Holidays guys, I'll be back in a few days (or so) once the dust has settled a bit and the madness is a little more forgiving!  (I've walked out of a couple of stores this week.... nothing I need that intensely you know?)

Sending you and your loved ones all the best for the holidays and the New Year.  Big big hugs and lots of love!

Monday, 23 December 2019


Oh man.... it turned out sunny and beautiful yesterday and having a bright day like that made SUCH a difference.  To me anyway.

I know I'm not the only one but sunny days, especially after a lot of dark dreary days make me happy and lighter.  I often wonder about folks who live in predominantly light/bright places and if they don't feel the same or just don't notice? 

I have been (I think I mentioned?) using my S.A.D light (bright light thing?) but it still doesn't compare to having an entire day or chunk of a day under sunshine and blue skies.  Happy sigh.

I guess we're in the homestretch here, eh?  The last few days before the mini break before the New Year stuff and then... well, then we're allowed to relax from the break.... know what I mean?

But yeah, that sunshine sure made me happy.
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