I maybe even sometimes flip near the end of a book to see if a character's name re-appears or if it's all going to turn out ok. (And yes, I ruined the last Harry Potter for myself that way)
When I used to read blogs, I never knew what the people meant when they said they were "crypto-blogging". I used to wonder whey they didn't just talk about whatever it was they weren't talking about. I think I'm starting to understand.
Sometimes you can't quite put it into words that will make sense anywhere outside of your own brain. ( Actually...that happens to me quite a lot. )
I spent time last week with two very different, but great guys...both of them unavailable in their own ways...both of them attractive to me in their own ways. When I realized I was attracted to a guy who was attracted back (nevermind two...) I panicked. Little old single me panicked at the idea of even considering getting into a relationship again and what that all means.
The colleague is a great guy. Funny, nice. Did I mention the non-stop laughing and all the hilarity that ensued? The inside jokes and goofing off when work was supposed to be done? It was really fun hanging out with him. Good. Fun. Oh, did I mention his girlfriend? Of three years?
Yeah.
Maybe this is someone I can add to my list of male friends. He's not single and maybe it's better that way. It was just really cool to hang out with someone and get along so well.
And life, being life, decided to show me that that couple of days hanging out with a guy was just the start of the roller coaster. Was just the part where the coaster is slowly moving up...up... up.
I've had some incredibly happy moments this week and some incredibly confusing, startlingly anxiety-filled ones. And as three separate people have told me this week after hearing me breifly explain what's going on, "I'm toast".
There was that dinner party on Sunday. And the guy my friends have been trying to set me up with for months was there. All the way from the other side of the country. Literally. And I can't even tell you what I think about him. But there's a connection and it's almost too much for me to deal with. Plus, I'm not sure our lifestyles are compatible. And to be honest, I don't think I want to talk about it. He'll hear about this site soon enough and I can't imagine how odd it would be to read about yourself in this kind of situation so I'll just leave it at this: he's handsome and fit and kind and romantic ( yes ladies, they DO exist ) and he keeps telling me he's crazy about me. (I keep telling him he's just crazy. We've agreed to disagree.)
I may be getting in way over my head here and I'm not entirely sure I know how to swim. Anyone have any water wings they can loan me? I'd like to make sure I don't drown.
I'm not sure I trust my instincts anymore and that leaves me wondering what to trust. The head? It thinks too much. The heart? It doesn't think enough.
So, you see, there's some heavy stuff. And this isn't a heavy place. I don't want it to be. Life is wonderful and amazing and oh such a joyful place and I like it that way. I like it here. I like my three readers.
So, I'm still single. Still got my bed all to myself.
Wish me well, wish me the best, but don't be surprised if you never hear me mention this guy again. Let's just pretend he doesn't exist. Kind of like my job. It doesn't exist either.
Nudge, nudge, say no more. A nudge's as good as a wink to a blind bat eh?
7 comments:
You have reminded me of when I met Wendy. She put 100 obstacles in the way in her mind, in order to convince herself that I "wasn't her type".
The girl who sat across from her at work eventually turned around and said "for god's sake - will you just go out with him - you've done nothing but talk about him all day"...
Not that I'm drawing parallels or anything :)
I can't see the nudge video while at work (shhh! I don't do anything besides work while at work.).
I'd recommend not trying the friendship thing with the colleague if you think you would want more. Those are the platonic friendship that don't seem to work out, the ones where one or the other is using the friendship to keep the person close because they want more.
As for the across-the-country guy...if he's seems wonderful, I'd give it a shot. I didn't really trust my instincts, either, so I tried to progress things as slow as possible with the guy I'm with now, so I could really get used to trusting my instincts about him. So far, he has not disappointed at all, so I'm really happy I didn't bail out because things seemed to be developing when I wasn't sure I wanted them to.
Jonathan: I'm only at about 98 obstacles in my mind so I'm doing pretty well I'd say! And yes, my friends are rolling their eyes at me and telling me I'm already in it so just go for it. ; )
Woo-Woo: I know it's probably not a good idea to try for a friendship with the colleague. At least I know we can have fun at (boring) work stuff the odd time! And I'll try the slow thing. It's not my style so it's like I have to re-learn to ride a bike and it's tricky.
Hmmm... it may be too early in the morning for me to be trying analogies! wheeeeeeeeeee
I'll add my "you are toast" to the chorus.
An overactive brain is a terrible thing but it's not like you can shut it off. Interestingly enough I spent three days with a colleague at a conference last September and had a very similar experience -- nothing physical but so much fun just hanging out with her and making connections. I'm still not over it, I think about it way too much, and it even prompted a post at this very site regarding flirting.
I finally became saner by realizing:
1) Three days constitutes a pretty good relationship/life experience with no messiness (It was fun)
2) You can not control the chemicals in your brain. (sound familiar)
3) I had so much fun b/c I could relax knowing that the relationship was going nowhere.
I have no clue about the long distance thing.
BTW: I like it when you post about your relationship issues. It's not easy for anyone and how could it be when there are all kinds of pressures involved (social, physiological, sexual, logic). Take solace in the fact that it will never be easy – especially for someone with an overactive brain – but the experience is all so much better than sitting on your couch and watching TV.
You are making things harder for yourself because you are afraid. Case solved.
Either that or you are just lazy.... if you find the right guy you would no longer be the Single Girl with all the Advice, and then you'd have to change your blog's url, and your profile, and it all sounds so tiring. ;)
By the way, I don't want to complicate things more for you, but I think I have a crush on you for linking to a Monty Python skit.
Cocoa: : )
I remember your conference/colleague thing now. I get what you were getting at. I like your "sanity realizations" too. It happened, it was fun, and that's ok.
I'm not as concerned about the long distance thing as I've done it before and...well.... yeah. Can't be fixed right now anyway.
I'm also glad to hear you like me posting about my "relationship issues". It does help me to remember that no one waltzes into their relationships and it's always hard. And yes, I agree. So much better than watching tv.
Thanks dude. Most excellent of you.
McGone, you're a friggin genius because you just said the exact same thing as my buddy said to me last night "you're making it harder for yourself because you are afraid."
Damn.
Well, plus, I really can't be bothered changing my URL and profile and blah blah blah. (heh)
It's ok about the crush dude. I have a crush on myself for linking to Monty Python. I'd ask myself out but yeah...
Rock on my brother ; )
My commenters are AWESOME.
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