Hovering

Cheating, cheating, cheating, cheating, cheating.

I used to have a really clear understanding of what cheating romantically meant; a husband (or wife, I suppose) who went and found a lover and had sexual relations with them over and over until either the wife found out, or the husband asked for a divorce.

If only it were that simple.

Cheating, in my mind, isn't quite as clear. It's something that hovers in a grey area that maybe changes with each person's moral code. Not sure what I mean? Me neither.

I've met a few people who were in a relationship when they met someone else. Having met this person, and having felt a strong connection to them, they've ended the relationship they were in to be with this person. Cheating? Maybe.

I've had dates with guys who've then told me "well, really I shouldn't see you any more because I have a girlfriend." Cheating? Hell yes.

I've had a relationship that started with cheating, I've had a relationship that I wish had ended when there was cheating, and I've had a relationship that I would never have guessed involved cheating, but I'd bet you dollars to donuts now that it did.

At some point in the past I remember having a conversation about flirting while in a relationship. I suggested it was a form of cheating and that I didn't like it. I think the counter-argument was something along the lines of "it's flattering and fun and harmless."

Not for everyone.

I've never understood how you could be in a relationship and meet someone else and like them so much you have to end your first relationship to be with them.

If your connection with your partner isn't that strong, why are you still with them? Convenience? And if your connection with your partner is that strong, why are you hanging out with people enough to find them attractive?

I know, I know, I'm oversimplifying, that's what you'll tell me, but isn't right right and wrong wrong?

I guess the way I see it is that if you're with someone, you're with them. And until you decide you no longer want to be with them, you don't open yourself up to the possibility of even considering someone else. You don't think about how charming the guy in your office is. You don't wonder what it'd be like to spend more time with that funny girl from your gym.

I think if you're in a relationship and you find yourself starting to focus less on how much you enjoy being in that relationship it's time to think about leaving. I don't think you get to stay in it until you find someone better and then leave.

I'm ranting, aren't I? I can tell. What's my point, me?

I don't want to be in a relationship again where I know the person might just up and move on if he suddenly met his soul mate, or suddenly realized he had a huge connection with the girl next door. I don't want to have the thought in the back of my mind that he's hovering, happy, but keeping his antennae up "just in case".

And sure, maybe sometimes it just happens. Maybe sometimes it's the tail end of an already doomed relationship and the new person just shows up and seems like a perfect reason to end things and move on. But I can't quite wrap my head around how that's not cheating. So maybe it is.

And maybe it's cheating when you never quite get over your ex, and never quite let her go.

I dunno. Just churning through the thoughts. Mulling over the past, wondering about the future.

You know how it is.

Added later: No, none of the people I'm not dating have cheated on me, don't worry.