Sorted

We all know we're not supposed to want a boyfriend/girlfriend to change. We all know we're supposed to fall in love with someone for who they are not for who you want them to be, but I think what has(n't) gone on with Bird has given me a better understanding of how this happens.

I think what I tend to do when I'm falling for someone, or interested in them, is focus on all their good points, their positive traits.

I see only the good.

And it's only when I settle in to the relationship that I see things that don't sit well with me; selfishness, lack of follow-through, thoughtlessness, etc. But by then it tends to be "too late" in my mind; I've fallen for him, I've committed to this relationship and this love and I'd darn well better make it work.

So, I try to forget the bad and focus on the good, but it never works. And, yet, in the past I've still hung on. Still hoped that the good I first saw in him would outweigh the other things. That the bad would disappear, that he'd grow out of it, that he'd see how much his actions/behaviours were hurting me and would stop.

That's what you do when you love someone, no? Make an effort to care for them and not hurt them?

It hasn't always worked well for me, doing this backwards version of falling for someone. Head over heels, blindly diving in.

So this thing with Bird has been good for me. Easy? No. It's a struggle at times, for sure.

But, different from what I'd have done in the past, I went in slowly. I went in and learned about some of the traits he has that don't jibe with me and the way I want to be in a relationship and I made decisions with that knowledge in mind.

As I said, though, it's not easy. Old habits die hard, and I find myself just wanting to jump right in and ignore all the bad and focus on the good. And focus on how much I like the good.

But I'm working at reminding myself that there's bad right along with the good. And that in this case, I'm not willing to overlook it and blindly dive in.

I wish Bird were different and that he always followed through on what he said he was going to do, but he's not. Maybe he'll change, maybe he won't. But I need to remind myself (sometimes a lot) that there's nothing I can do to change him and his patterns and habits.

Doesn't make him a bad person. Just makes me have to move on, which, honestly, is sad and hurts.

But I find I'm mourning the loss of someone who didn't really exist anywhere else but my "dive in blindly" mind. Once I get over that, I may find a good friend.

Or not.

Only time will tell.

Just gotta make sure I see it all, not just what I want to see.