Monday, 4 May 2009

"It Just Felt Weird"

There was a poem I wrote years ago that I can no longer find, but I remember the feeling behind it and I remember the ending lines.

It talked about the feeling of panic from falling ("falling" in this case was the actual feeling of falling straight down into a dark hole, but was metaphorically representing change and turmoil and fear) and how when everything stops, you "realize you weren't falling at all, it just felt weird."

I kind of feel like that again right now.

Except this time I know I'm not falling, so there's no panic. But still.

There is twisting in my life. And it's not bad and I don't feel too terribly uncomfortable, but it's not comfortable either. If you've ever gotten a foot sunk in mud you know what I mean about having to pull so hard to get it out that you don't feel like you can but you have to or else you'll never get free.

And it feels weird. Because maybe the other foot's on solid ground and it's just the one that needs pulled free. Or maybe the other foot's slowly sinking too. And it's pulling and pushing all at the same time and damn does it ever take effort. Sustained effort.

And you know it's going to be ok because you've gotten out of muddy patches before, and in this case you actually walked straight into the thing, knowingly, but it's still tiring.

I'm tired. But I'm pulling. And waiting for that sudden release. You know that feeling? When you finally get your foot out and you almost fall back from the lack of resistance?


I'm tired, but I also know the relief I'm waiting for will come if I just keep going.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I often have dreams like that. The other night I dreamed I was crawling across a girder under the Manhattan Bridge. There was nothing below - no safety net, no rope - nothing. And loads of cars overhead.

I woke up sweating that I was gonna fall. But I couldn't see the river below... it was just black.

Anyway... what's the meaning behind your muddy patch? :-$

Monday, May 04, 2009 8:25:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

That's a crazy scary dream Mark, yikes!

Oh, and the muddy patch? Just stuff. You know. No need to go into detail here. Just life :)

Monday, May 04, 2009 4:41:00 pm  
Blogger Yvonne said...

Sending lots of *getting-the-foot-outta-the-mud* vibes your way!

I have those falling dreams every now and then. Still as unnerving as ever. ;(

Tuesday, May 05, 2009 12:37:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Y. :)

And, yeah, those dreams are always scary! ;)

Tuesday, May 05, 2009 5:31:00 pm  
Blogger dilling said...

this guy i was talking to recently..a friend who also so happens to be a counselor...laughed at me when i mentioned my "midlife crisis." He told me i was going thru midlife restructuring....and suddenly, i didn't feel half so crazy. he was wasn't crisis. it was/is time to rethink/recreate.
it's all in how you read it...write it...hear it.
look for the spin.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009 9:27:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Totally, D! Totally!

Tuesday, May 05, 2009 10:53:00 pm  
Blogger Yamuna said...

Did you realize your first paragraph kinda sounded like a poem too?

There was a poem I wrote years ago that I can no longer find,
but I remember the feeling behind it and I remember the ending lines.

Hehe :)

Saturday, May 08, 2010 11:31:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Hey! I'm a poet and I don't even know it! ;)

Saturday, May 08, 2010 12:15:00 pm  

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