Thursday, 21 January 2010

Uncomfortable To Say

I've never dated outside of my race.

Not on purpose, certainly not on purpose, but I just haven't.

What's interesting, though, is that I feel guilty saying this.

I have a girlfriend, however, of a different race, who has only ever dated men of her race; her colour. For her, she just wouldn't date outside of her colour, race and religion. And I wonder why it was easy for her to say this when it's not something I'd be able to say without feeling like an evil racist.

Is it because it was more religiously based than anything?

I feel terribly uncomfortable even talking about this. And when I feel uncomfortable talking about something, it usually means some of you do too.

And then, I usually end up feeling better.


Anonymous Julie said...

it's def. a touchy subject, but hey, it's your decision to date who you want! I like to think of it more as an attraction factor instead of a race thing? maybe that helps?

Thursday, January 21, 2010 9:59:00 am  
Blogger Esperanza said...

I AGREE w/ Julie the first few people i ever dated were not of my race and the one i'm with now is the first of my race that I have dated. So I think it is the attraction factor.

Thursday, January 21, 2010 10:23:00 am  
Blogger Jordan said...

I think background and contact may have something to do with it as well. Depending on the family/area you grew up there can be different values that act differently upon oneself. Also being part of the "majority" in our west coast demographic that is so full of multiculturalism/etc, political correctness and what have you, those in the majority tend to carry some of the responsibility for guarding their language a bit more carefully. Ie.. are there comments and things that women can say/make that are considered ok/appropriate? but if I guy were to say it it could be a no no? I think that may be part of it?

I personally grew up in a more diverse classroom childhood and my first best friend was east indian and the second was chinese.. i didn't know it as a distinction until many years later ;) so for me.. my first friend was a girl and the second was a guy. That's how i'd have definied/classified them at that point.

and i was going to say more but I have to go work! Zoiks! Zoom zoom zoom!

Thursday, January 21, 2010 12:23:00 pm  
Blogger Ms Behaviour said...

I suspect that your friend had reasons she failed to articulate such as:

1. Religion - she wants her mate to worship with her, go to Heaven when they die and expects her kids to be baptized.
2. Language - she wants her mate to be able to converse with her relatives and speak the language at home.
3. Race - she wants her marriage to be socially accepted within her culture and she wants her children
to look like her.
4. Culture - she has family/social traditions which she expects her mate to share in and contribute to and possibly even help her to learn and grow as an individual and as a couple.

The thing is, maybe when you're young and you don't think about growing old, having kids and/or aging parents to take care of, these things seem trivial. But the fact is that pseudo-arranged marriages are still very common in some cultures and selecting your mate based on these characteristics is not really any different.

I think that when these reasons are not stated, the underlying assumption is that the person is racist. However, when stated explicitly, the message is that society is racist and it's just easier to be with someone who understands your ethnic/cultural/religious background. And that, no matter how you try to spin it, is absolutely still true.

(Sorry for the length of this comment!)

Thursday, January 21, 2010 4:24:00 pm  
Blogger Single and Picky said...

Ms Behaviour just articulated it for me - but I will say while I have dated outside of my religion, ethnic group and race in the end somehow those issues still in part weasel their way back in. In the end there are some things I feel really strongly about and I know that marriage is hard enough why have something like a belief that you will be forever fighting about in one way or another. In the end in some way doesn't it also slightly lump in with you're looking for commonality, a connection with the person.

What do I know? Still single.

Thursday, January 21, 2010 7:58:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Julie, it is a touchy subject, but absolutely, for me, dating's an attraction thing first and foremost.

Esperanza, gotcha.

Jordan, I agree that background and contact do play in. For me, it's more about contact. I don't remember having friends of a different race or culture, but when I look back and pictures I did. So when you're young, there is no difference, you're just friends. Period. Which is awesome.
Have fun at work!

Ms B, she did have some of those reasons and was pretty upfront about it. It was just interesting to me that she *was* upfront about it. Refreshing.
And, no worries about comment length, I love hearing what you guys have to say about things! :D

S and P, that's what my Mom says; that marriage is hard enough, try to make it easier on yourself by having as much as common as possible. I think, yes, connection is most important.
But, yeah, what do we know, still single! ;) Hee hee.

Thursday, January 21, 2010 8:44:00 pm  
Blogger Kas said...

I have dated outside my race and- at one point was egaged to be married to a dude outside my race.

The saying "Love conquers all"-- um, not so much. Race is a hard thing to get around when it comes to something as intimate as marriage. It is the core of a person and it's the ONE thing they can't change.

I'm not saying I'm against it. I'm saying I agree w/ the others... Relationships are hard enough w/o adding extra UNCHANGEABLE things to it.

I don't think it's racist to say you won't date outside your race either. It's just a preference such as liking Buff Bodies or 'not so buff' or blondes or redheads etc.

NOW- that being said... you can't help who your heart loves! :D

Friday, November 05, 2010 5:53:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

That's certainly what my Mom's said Kas, that it adds another layer of difficulty to a marriage (which is already difficult) *shrug*

Friday, November 05, 2010 4:34:00 pm  

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