"That" being the message I just got from last weekend's date politely letting me know that although he really enjoyed meeting me and thinks I'm great, he's been seeing someone from the site for a while and it's developed into something great.
And the polite part of me thinks that's great for them and that it was nice of him to let me know and be so complimentary about meeting me. But there's also a tiny little voice too that's pissed. So you're telling me when you asked me to hang out with you you knew you were "developing this great something" with someone you'd been "seeing for a while"? Well that's just not cool. (Says the polite part of me while the rest of me uses much stronger language)
But more than that, overwhelmingly so is the hurt.
The hurt that was being masked by last week's anger. The hurt that's been lying in wait to engulf me since he ended the date without a hint of wanting to see me again. The hurt that's been sitting there whispering to me that my instincts were right and here's yet another one who's not interested.
Because that's what hurts. That I wasn't chosen. That someone else was chosen over me. And, yes, it's nice when guys say something nice to soften the blow; when they say how great I am or how it's not about me it's about the timing or whatever else it is, but it still hurts. I don't know if it hurts any less when you're not chosen but are told nicely.
You're still not chosen.
Someone else was better. More. Prettier maybe. More interesting definitely. Wanted.
Which I'm not.
And that's hurting. So much right now.
And, yes, I know it won't hurt forever.
I know it probably won't hurt for long even. I *know* this. I'll be ok. I know. I'm just hurt.
So hurt.
This is the first time I've put myself out there in a long time.
The first time I've been interested in someone for even longer.
The first time I've sat talking to someone and thought "hmmm, I could do this, be with this person, get to know them, all of it, I could do this."
So to have found myself there and then not been wanted is hard. Feels like Smith all over. Feels like all of them all over.
Because it's never just the one event, it's all the others piling up behind them reminding you and letting the nasty voices tell you "We TOLD you so, why'd you ever think it'd be any different? Why'd you ever think anyone good would ever actually want you?"
It's probably not a good idea to write posts when I'm this upset.
It's probably better to let things settle for a while and then be able to neutrally talk about it, to observe from afar.
Too bad I don't care.
F*%k.
Greg Holden - Choking on the Concrete
20 comments:
Stumbled on your blog today and just wanted to let you know... I didn't find My Guy until I was 31 and married to somebody that I "settled" for. Your match is out there and you'll find them. When you least expect it. All that you go thru now, is to prepare you for what's to come. And no matter how much it hurts, it WILL be ok someday.
See ya around....
~Kas
http://rebkas.blogspot.com/
I've been there...I have SO been in your shoes. I'm sorry that happened to you. Men are such jerks sometimes. How can one think it is alright to, even though they know they are "developing" something, they still can go out with another and seem to have a good time?!?! I Don't get it!! I like to call this one the, "there's someone else around the corner". Not being chosen hurts. It hurts so bad. I'm kinda walking in your shoes right now but in NYC. I'm in the middle of the, you haven't called me, and you've got three strikes against you that you've canceled our date(s), even though we almost went to third base on the 5the date and when confronting him says, "Am I missing something?" YOU SURE ARE BUDDY!
It's ok..you'll be fine, your right. But right now, you kinda feel like the fat kid in gym class that doesn't get picked- so do I- it sucks.
I think you should re-evalutate past dating sequences. My new goal is to continue doing this...Listen, it's going to sounds stupid, and is so much easier said then done, BUT, does it always happen classically- like meeting for drinks, or location, casual conversation..etc? Well what can you do differently that you haven't done before? What approaches? Online (me too)- maybe stay away for a while- A new goal I am trying is to become friends with as many guys as I come in counter with. I have no clue if it's going to work, but I'm gonna try...it's gonna be tough- but it's something I've never done...
Victoria,
I've been reading your blog for about a year now and am often surprised by posts that sounds like they were written by me...like do I have a split personality and this alter is sitting up in the middle of the night typing out my life for everyone to read on the Internet. EEEK!
I just wanted to thank you for not waiting for things to settle...it helps to know I'm not the only girl out there going through exactly what you have just went through... Share, swear and vent away... I know it's helping me deal:)
*hug*
No idea what else to say.
Just *hug*
You should be glad you didn't have to waste much of your time and energy on someone who was "two-timing" straight from the kick-off.
Seems to me the guy's a major douche and no one needs one of those around. :)
I met my future husband 3 months ago today. 2010 has been a very exciting year so far and i wish you the same luck. It was while I was away on a business trip I met him and believe me, no one was more single than I and actively looking to change that. It happened when I least expected it to and is turning into the most romantic story of all time. I hope that brings you optimism. It happens.
I'm sorry, Victoria. If we lived in the same area I would take you out for a bad day dinner... and maybe bring along some chocolates and your favorite music and we could drive with it up loud and the windows down, not needing to talk.
I'm really sorry.
That really does suck.
Thanks Kas, I'm glad you stumbled here today. Thanks
Yeah SusieQ, I didn't think it was very cool that he did that. Sorry to hear that you're going through jerky guys too all the way over there in NYC :/ And, yeah, you're right, not getting picked always sucks, even in gym class.
Well I'm glad to be your second split personality, Anonymous. And I'm glad my blah blah blahing helps you in some way :)
Thanks Dominic.
It's true FigJam, I didn't waste much time at all on a not great guy. True.
Congratulations Anonymous, and thanks, that does give me a sense of hope and optimism.
Thanks Stephanie. Guess I'll just have to have my own bad day dinner :)
I have lurked for eons on your blog but this particular post was motivation enough for me to reach out. I could have penned this post, though not nearly as articulate as you are able to accomplish. Not sure if it helps to know you are not alone but you are not and your blog, especially posts such as this makes some of us out there not feel quite so alone in our thoughts and feelings about this whole thing they call being single. If it happens to the best of us, it has to be them, right :) Keep the faith and keep your wonderful writing coming.
Thanks, and thanks for delurking today :) It has helped a lot today, actually, to hear that I'm not alone in this and feeling like this. I'm surprised. So thanks :)
i feel like i could've written this myself. i feel the same way. i do the same comparing and better. i'm even guilty of putting facebook photos side by side, as i compare my ex new girlfriend to myself. it's hard. hard to wait. hard to believe. especially when it seems to easy for others. especially when you were hoping for something else.
just try, as much as possible, not to say someone is better than you. i do it all the time. but try to think that they just clicked better. i've met great guys and felt nothing- eventhough i think i should want to. it's not about you, it's about compatibilty (my ex's words). just remember you're writing the story of who is happy, who is better and you have no idea what is truly going on.
i'm wishing you luck in your search. great blog. although i'm sure it's not what you want, knowing that someone else feels the same way is a comfort
Well said, and thanks. It's true, it's a matter of reminding myself that it's about the clicking / compatibility not a better than thing. That's true.
And yes, it is a comfort, so thanks. :)
Men! Humph! lol!
What kind of person would you be if you didn't feel the "pangs of despised love," so to speak? You don't want to be jaded, do you? No, I didn't think so.
Rejection hurts, and it never gets any easier the umpteenth time around...but you've gotten this far and you survived them all: Smith #1, Smith #2, Smith # etc. You're stronger than you think and this only proves it even more.
The world will never run out of D-bags, and you may very well have to sift through a ton of them to find the right one. Maybe this guy was a D-Bag, maybe not...timing sure was a big factor tho. Imagine if you got to him first before the other girl? Do you think he'd stick around for you, or check out the competition? More importantly, would you want to be with a guy who scopes out the competition even after he says that the two of you have something special going on?
My previous assessment of you still stands:
You're so money and you don't even know it.
Wow. You wrote the post that I wanted to write today but just couldn't bring myself to.
I'm not alone in this pain then...
Oh, and I don't know if you would feel like this is a right choice for you, but maybe you should consider letting this guy know that it was really nice of him to be straight with you and you appreciate it, but going to this date with you wasn't really polite under the circumstances (because seriously, what was he thinking?!). Not to make him feel guilty or anything, but just because sometimes letting this things unsaid will later feel like you "just took it", being pro-active empowers you.
Victoria, this is probably going to sound like bitchy tough love but rejection sucks. It sucks 100% of the time. You're going to have to learn two things, probably the hard way.
First, most rejection is not about you. Statistically and realistically speaking, unless you are Jenna Jameson, not every guy you meet on the first date is going to want to pursue something. Men are visual creatures and women are intellectual creatures. It takes phenomenal odds for two people to click. You are going to have to look long and hard. You're not in undergrad anymore.
Second, consider yourself lucky that this guy was honest with you because 99% of them would not have been this decent. He did not lead you on with a lie about calling you or wanting to see you again. He didn't make you wait for him to call you. He was honest that he is not emotionally available right now and you need to realize this guy is an anomaly in the dating world. He didn't want to waste your time and, unfortunately in the dating world, that guy deserves a pat on the back!
Dating sucks. There is no way around it. It takes time and effort and money and you will never the good stuff unless you take the risk on the shitty stuff.
Let me leave you with this. That guy probably had a great first impression but he probably isn't right for you. If he was right for you, there would have been mutual chemistry on both sides. Now go on to the next one without any expectations. That way, you can only be pleasantly surprised. It's the only way to approach the dating scene at this age.
jerky mcjerkerson
Humph indeed 'Nelley :)
ToitB, I think I'd like to not be jaded, no :) And yep, rejection always hurts. :(
Now, please excuse me while I go around for the rest of the day saing "I'm so money dude!" ;)
Glad I was writing a post for you too Narami. And, no, you're not alone. Nope. If I do run into this guy again I will be straight with him, because yeah, some was good and some wasn't.
Yeah, Ms B, I just have to keep reminding myself of #1 because my automatic reaction is that rejection is all about me.
Thanks D :)
Wow. ;(
On the plus side V, you're so much better off finding out what a jerk he is this early in the game. I know that doesn't make it hurt less. (Though less nasty than thinking you are the "chosen" one, only to find out he's still on the site and going on dates?!) Ugh. Boys. ;(
(((big hugs)))
Yeah, it's good to find out early instead of having invested a lot of time or energy into things.
Thanks for the hugs :)
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