Saturday, 11 September 2010

Torn

It doesn't help things that my friends and loved ones keep telling me to just forget the whole thing and that Cary's the jerk and that it's his loss.

It doesn't help because at the root of it all it's only a little bit about him and the rest of it is about how what he said touches on how insecure I am about being single.

I really thought I'd be married by now. Well married. When I was a kid and thought that 18 was old, I figured I'd be married by the time I was 22, 23. And somehow when those birthdays passed and the relationships that took me closest to marriage failed the lesson my mind picked up from that was that I was somehow flawed; un-marry-able.

Un-wanted. Un-loveable perhaps?

For a long time, even when I was in relationships I thought I was ugly, unattractive, on bad days I would use the word gross or disgusting.

Fast forward to today and I see myself with clearer eyes. It's hard, still, to admit that I find myself to be an attractive person, but I can at least see that I am not ugly, unattractive, gross or disgusting.

But then, my mind asks, if I'm attractive, why am I not married? It can't be the logical explanations, mind you. Can't be the fact that I don't meet single men. Can't be the fact that I work too hard and don't get out to play enough. It must be something that's wrong with me.

And if it's not my looks, it must be something else. I guess my mind's been waiting for the opportunity to tell me that I'm obviously single because I'm too old. As if there's a sell by date and I'm long past mine.

I can sit here and write this and know that it's illogical. I can tell you about one of my good friends whose parents didn't meet until they were nearly 40. I can tell you that there is no such thing as too old and I can tell you that logically I know all this.

But that doesn't mean I don't, somewhere in the dark parts of my soul, believe it.

This thing with Cary obviously has brought that darkness, those thoughts to the surface and hopefully that'll let me bundle them up and throw them away, but it's hard and right now I just want to give in to the misery and self-pity and hide away and never leave my house. I don't want to put on a brave face and go do things. I don't want to hear from people that I should be over it or that it was actually a compliment or that it was quite funny, actually, because it was so ridiculous, I just want to curl up and die.

Well, not die exactly, just fade out from existing in any sort of way that Cary can see. Or our friends who heard what he said.

But, then I remind myself of the walk I took the evening I got Cary's email and was told what he'd said. The walk where I got to breathe fresh air and feel the sun and wind on my face. The walk where I took amazing photos and flexed my creative muscles and made myself proud. The walk where I caught a glance of myself in a store window and saw a gorgeous, thin, attractive, intelligent, witty woman that any guy would be lucky to date. A walk that made me feel, even if just for a few hours, better.

I'm just going to have to trust that this too will pass; that this too will fade from my mind. That the intensity of awfulness that's surrounding this right now will go.

I'm just going to have to trust that. But it's a struggle right now and I'm afraid I'm going to run out of fight.

I also wish I could stop wishing he'd email me again, telling me all good things, all the things I'd hoped to hear. I wish I could stop waiting for that. Looking for that.

And I keep kicking myself. If only. If only.

If only I hadn't emailed him. If only I'd just left it at the happy, hopeful, maybe maybe maybe what if.

If only I'd left it at that and been happy. If only I'd left it at that I'd have never heard what I heard and I wouldn't be so.

Torn up inside.

So broken.


Wasted Time - Me'Shell NdegéOcello

16 Comments:

Blogger "Just Sayin....." said...

I"m viewing this thing with Carey as a good thing, for you.

It's opening your eyes and the first step for you to move forward for you. TO love yourself, to like yourself, to change the thought pattern you have right now.

Stepping stones are in your furture. Hard for you to see it, cos you're in it.

Looking in, I see this whole experience as a good thing and you'll look back a year from now and see it yourself.

Hugs for you!
xo

Saturday, September 11, 2010 9:39:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

No, yeah, I can kind of see that or feel it actually I think.

But thank you. I appreciate it.

Saturday, September 11, 2010 9:50:00 am  
Blogger Chantal_Wannabe said...

My advice (hey I'm a single girl too!)

Don't dwell, at least you have TRIED it with Carey, so no what ifs... now you know it's not gonna happen, so keep moving forward.

Also it sounds like you are spending a lot of time thinking about these things... which is good in a way, but it looks like you are at a point where you need distractions from those negative thoughts...

So, you've said you work too hard and don't play enough... Go out an play! Have fun, set goals for yourself, join a sport team, an amateur photographer class, enter a writing contest, invite friends over for dinner...

I have been single for 2.5 years after being in a serious relationship for 9 years... I wish I could find someone to be with, sometimes I think I am NEVER going to find someone..., but I know that life is too short to wait for it to happen. I also know that sometimes I relationship that looks ideal and wonderful from the outside can feel terrible and be very hard to keep together from the inside...

These days I work hard, surround myself with friends and positive people, keep physically active and busy... I set goals (trying the victoria half marathon next month.. ouch) and that way I feel accomplished and whole.

And like ANY other single girl out there I experience rejection by some of the guys I like too ...

Get out there, smile, don't let yourself feel the way you do.

Saturday, September 11, 2010 11:19:00 am  
Blogger Single and Picky said...

Honey, I have a question I want you to consider for me - IF Carey had told you everything you wanted to hear would all those dark places be fixed? If you say yes, how would you feel, honestly if it was reversed?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having brokenness or dark icky places in your life. We all have them, some of us just hide our and then condemn others for sharing them, but I want you to know we aren't going to do that. So share the icky places if it helps you heal and learn to heal and fix those places and ways of thinking.

You are loved and worthy of love, by yourself first and foremost.

Saturday, September 11, 2010 12:27:00 pm  
Anonymous duffy said...

Hope things start looking up soon. Life is never easy.. and figuring out relationships are some of the hardest bits :(

Saturday, September 11, 2010 1:33:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I've got some play plans happening Chantal. Hopefully that'll help.

No, SnP, they wouldn't be fixed. Just easier to ignore for a while. But I agree, sharing them does help. Helps me at least.

Thanks Duffy.

Saturday, September 11, 2010 1:41:00 pm  
Blogger Mademoiselle Hautemess said...

I love that you are sharing these feelings with us...your emotions are so beautiful! Which is why I gave you this award:
http://carriebradshawisfullofit.blogspot.com/2010/09/i-win-another-blog-award.html

Sunday, September 12, 2010 8:16:00 pm  
Blogger Kas said...

I know it's hard to work thru, but I have faith that you WILL and you will be a better person for it.

Hang tough- you're WORTH IT!

{hugs}!

~Kas

Monday, September 13, 2010 5:38:00 am  
Blogger DEC said...

My advice might sound stupid, since I don't know if that is in fact a real life possibility for you.

I come from a country, city, that if you are not married by 28, forget about it, you will never be.

I felt old and unwanted there. So I moved. I really moved countries.

First I went to NY (which would be my recommendation to you), where it is NORMAL to be in your late 20's, early 30's and single.

Now I am in Switzerland and, guess what, I'm the youngest of my single friends - yeah, I have single friends here.

Maybe you don't need to move, but take a trip or at least open your mind to the idea that "too old to marry" is a relative and not absolute concept.

I hope you feel better soon :)

Bisous
Anne
Ps.: In my blog there are 4 fabulous, "old" single ladies... see, you are not alone :)

http://datingoneverycontinent.blogspot.com

Monday, September 13, 2010 7:17:00 am  
Anonymous kandijay said...

Wow... I read this and all I could think was -- this girl is me! I feel the same, and I fight it, every single day. When I was little, I thought I'd grow up, get married, have some kids, and that would be my life. Instead I have a career I love, am self-sufficient, and have become an outgoing friendly person I never thought I'd be.

But you know what? Inside I am still the chubby girl with stringy hair and thick glasses, the shy one with no friends. I actually have to remind myself that what I see in the mirror is me. That I am surrounded by people who love me and -gasp- want to be around me. Single at 31 (gulp) doesn't change that I am wonderful. And so are you.

And I know better than anyone that *knowing* this and *feeling* this are worlds apart.

Monday, September 13, 2010 11:24:00 am  
Anonymous Rebecca said...

Oh Victoria,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I too wish I could reconcile the feelings of wanting so badly something that it not entirely up to me. Please know that your words have brought me comfort and while I know the well intended, you're a wonderful person who will find someone equally wonderful can make a single girl want to rip out someone's eyelashes....I wish that for you, pure happiness, which is bound to come your way.

Monday, September 13, 2010 7:23:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Aww shucks, Mademoiselle Hautemess. Now I've got the warm fuzzies. Thanks :)


I'm feeling better already, Kas, thanks. And thanks for your kind words and support. I can feel the hug from here!


It is good advice Anne, merci. Switzerland, here I come! Well, no, maybe not, but still, it is good to remember that things are different in other places.


Exactly kandijay. Exactly. *hugs*

Thank you Rebecca. More than anything, hearing that my upset and sharing that upset has given someone some comfort or a sense of familiarity makes it worthwhile. (And the picture of ripping someone's eyelashes out made me giggle, so thanks for that too) And thanks for the thought, I'll take it and hope for it too. :)

Monday, September 13, 2010 7:52:00 pm  
Anonymous Chris said...

Victoria, I always thought I'd be married by 25 or 30, etc. I'm 39, I've just met the lady for me about 12 months ago. Good things come to those who wait.. haha. I was thinking I was going to be single forever! Hang in there, there's someone out there for you. They just haven't realized it yet!

Monday, September 13, 2010 8:27:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Chris.

And I'm happy for you :)

Monday, September 13, 2010 9:12:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i liked to read your blog. sometimes i feel like you're writing everything i'm thinking. i think you can tell a lot by how and what people write. i get the feeling you and vey kind and funny and just a little too hard on yourself. i think we all probably at some point think: why not me. what's wrong, i should be 'picked' by now. and i know no matter how down you get, somewhere pull your head a little above water and realize no matter what you are wonderful. maybe your wonderful isn't for every guy. but still wonderful and funny. you crack me up all the time and i can tell you have a kind heart. guy or no guy taht doesn't change.
i struggle every day to not let a guy or lack of guy define who i am. it's hard when you're the one who is single at weddings or parties or at baby showers... the list goes on. i always wonder what other girls are doing? i'm always the single one since well forever.
i'm more jaded than others, but regardless... guys don't make the girl. you make yourself

Monday, September 13, 2010 11:02:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Awwww, thanks Anonymous. And big hug to you. :)

Tuesday, September 14, 2010 10:08:00 pm  

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