A Catharsis

There is much much going on in my world, my life at the moment. Much that is pressing heavy on me as I do my best to support friends and family and loved ones through things no one wants to go through but things that life puts us through wanted or not.

I'm still dealing with the shakiness that came with my Dad's suddenly becoming sick; suddenly becoming someone who will die some day even though I knew that. Knowing it and *knowing* it are two different things and my perfect perfect strong and untouchable father isn't as perfect as my childhood eyes have always held him and that is difficult to come to terms with; mortality sucks.

There have been sudden job losses (not mine, a blessing I thank Heavens for even on the bad days, of which there have been a few too many of late) and upheavals and I find myself unable to know how to support someone who has become, over the last two months, unemployed, devastated by said unemployment, pregnant and I want to be overjoyed by it but I'm worry worry worried for them because I'm still shaky myself and with the shakiness comes a difficulty to trust that all will work out. For me? Yes. For them? I don't know. I hope so.

And now there's a separation. One that I both understand and am saddened by. Sad for my friend's sadness and for the pain they both must be going through. Are going through. Will go through. Sad that I can't take it from them. From her. Sad.

There are broken hips and difficult pregnancies and things happening that should only ever happen to someone else. Not in my back yard I understand. Not in my family, my friends.

I could use a break. I've had enough. Enough sadness. Enough difficulty. Enough things I need to support people through. I need a break. This is enough. We have enough. We will manage through this, I know we will, but this is enough.

Please no more. Please only happy. Please let this be the last.

I am strong. Atlas strong, with the weight of everyone's worlds on my shoulders. Because their worlds are my world but when they're hurting it's hard to ask for their help. Hard to ask them to give *me* a hug. Hard to ask them to let me cry on their shoulder when my own shoulder is already damp with their tears.

I would like to not be strong now.


No. . .

I would like to not *have* to be strong now.

This too shall pass I know. I've lived that so many times I know it's so. But how about a break after this too has passed.

How about some good. Much good.

How about it being time for much much good for my beloveds and my hearts and me.

I'm ok, I really am. There's just a lot going on and I needed to say it. Out loud.