When I was a kid growing up, I didn't have dreams or make believe stories about what my wedding would look like, I just knew two things.
1. I would have a train like Princess Diana and
2. I would be married with two kids by a certain age.
Well, that age has long since passed and I'm not married or a parent.
I think the number I picked came straight from following my Mom's example so it's sometimes hard to remember that she got married comparatively young (especially in this day and age) and that she was also a virgin at the time, (Which I, er, am not.) and that people are tending to have kids later now.
I'm not even sure if I want to or am able to or am going to have kids, but that's not the point.
The point is I seem to be having some real age issues these days.
I don't feel old, but I feel like I look old.
I don't act old (read: am not an old fogey I don't think) but I feel like I'm past my prime.
I feel like I *should* have been married a decade ago. Should probably have had a few years under my belt by then actually.
So to sit here feeling like I'm past prime marriageable age makes me feel like I must now, by default, look old.
I work with a lot of people at my particular bat cave who are younger than me. And? They're all married, or in a significant relationship and so when I sit around and discuss life with them I feel like I'm, once again, past my prime.
And when I look at people whose age matches mine I feel like they look old.
And when I see the ages of the guys who I notice checking me out now, I feel like they're old.
I guess there's a part of me that's stuck wanting to be ten years younger and so not wanting to have to go out with guys who are decades older than where my mental dating age is.
It sucks.
I know it's all in my head, I know this, but I can't seem to do anything about it.
I know there are people younger than me who aren't married. I know there are people older than me who aren't married.
I know there are people younger than me who look much older than me and I know there are people older than me who look younger.
I guess I just associate attractiveness with age and I feel like I am no longer in the right age group to find someone attractive or to have someone attractive be interested in me.
*In slightly different news, I sometimes get people here asking me how old I am or why I don't talk about my age. My answer is always the same: it shouldn't matter. My hope is that people of whatever age can relate to what I'm going through in some way and can feel like I'm their exact age, whatever it happens to be. I've always felt like if I attached an actual age to me here, it might alienate some people and that would make me sad. Know what I mean?
15 comments:
I know how old you are!
Old enough to know better and young enough to still learn lessons.
You're right, age shouldn't matter.
I think you are probably mid thirties... Haha I don't know why, it's just a guess. I'm 30 myself and I hate the wrinkles on my forehead and dark circles under my eyes!! Thank god for bangs and make up and a good eating/physical activity routine to keep me looking young. Hey I recently started dating a guy that's three years younger than me. How cute is that?
Don't focus too much on marriage, kids that you don't have... Enjoy life and live adventures for yourself while you can. That'll keep you young for a long time :)
And you are right, its all just numbers and it is all in your head. I'm sure you are a beautiful person, that's what your words are telling me.
This is so totally cliche, but you're only as old as you feel. Some days, I feel in my 50s and others in my early 30s. I dont look my age (I look younger) and my husband is 16 yrs older than me (& looks it!!), so we get some pretty funny looks whn we're out. It will what you need when its time.
I really understand where you are coming from. I am sick and tired of numbers!! Number of dates I have had, men I have slept with, how old I am and how I have zero kids and zero boyfriend, all numbers! And them numbers matter to people in all different ways.
I thought the same, as to by now I would have a husband and a little family, where as I am still single and no where near that.
Oh well, hopefully one day I will get my numbers in the correct order!
Soph x
Well, my age is no secret @ 34, and I've started getting the odd very-light-blonde hair here and there too. On the plus side, I never expected to be married, so I guess I'm ahead of the game there.
Still get those little nagging worries occasionally tho.
Whatever happened to the immortality of youth?
I understand where you're coming from. I always thought I'd be married by now and at least have one kid. Whenever, I start feeling bad about not being married or having a kid I just tell myself that it'll happen when its meant to. I'd rather be single now than be with the wrong guy. I really believe that there is at least one right person for everyone and I know I'll find him one day. You will to.
I so get this. This weekend, I wondered aloud why it's not possible to legally change one's age! All I want is to change it to the upper end of the age range I'm always taken for... it would open up so many more dating possibilities....
That's exactly how old I am JS, how did you know? ;)
Three years younger seems like nothing Chantal. My parents have six years between them! :) But, yeah, all just in my head. And, thanks for the compliment, that's super sweet :)
I year ya Soph!
The immortality of youth Dominic? I guess I missed that memo too? ;)
True enough Jen. Thanks :)
Hey, maybe if you want to change your age up you should be allowed Singlicious! I know kids would go for that too! ;)
to comment on the end of your post: because I read you all the time of course I do wonder a little about you, sometimes how old you are, but I think you're right about your reasons for not telling. I'm 25 and I feel like I relate a lot to what you talk about, all the time, and judging from "I should have been married a decade ago", I imagine you're a tad older than me. I think it does make it easier to connect to just what you're saying without your readers getting distracted by other details. Very wise!
Aww, thanks Meg! That's so nice to hear and made me smile :) I appreciate it ;)
Oh the age thing... lol :D
I'm actually really ok with being single and 31. The late 20s had some learning (ok it's all learning LOL) and, other than 2-4 times a year when I feel kinda down and now know it's a good idea just to go to sleep cause I'll wake up feeling better, I'm really not bothered by the age thing anymore.
However it seems that it bothers other people ;) Parents, well intentioned friends, random strangers... LOL It's like I'm a personal affront to them and their views, a challenge to their opinions, or a fellow who puzzles them because "it doesn't seem like there's anything wrong with you". LOL!
Maybe I just really have come around to enjoying confusing people ;) A mischevious habit tis true ;)
So yeah, this not being one of my quarterly "icky feeling" days it'll all be smooth sailing. And we'll be around to cheer you on and commiserate on your "icky" days too V!
And I know.. it's kinda different because I'm a man. But the pressure and glances and comments still to exist for us menfolk too ;)
I hope you're having a grand day friend :) (and that "touching a great white shark" blog is next to be written ;) )
I'd kind of like to get over my whole age thing Jordan, it's kind of annoying. :)
Hi
Stumbled across your blog and well so far have read this entry and the one about hairdresser, finding those lighter hair strands. So can relate!
I'm 32 (well no thinking about it I'm 33) never been wed, and no kids. Lately I have been thinking as my great aunt would say am I left on the shelf. But no its all in your head, for today a fit young van driver tooted his horn at me. I secretly smiled and thought wahey lady you've still got it. 10 years ago I would've no doubt muttered something obscene about said van driver. So I'm telling you it is all in your head, however old you think you look, people see you nowhere near that age. Don't be harsh on yourself and attractiveness is associated with personality not age.
Natalie :)
So true Natalie. Thanks for the reminder (and the funny story!) :)
Hey Kas, just found your comment hidden in "spam" so, yeah, I hear you. Totally.
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