Whew

I had a long long weekend.

Yes, sure, in the "extra days off work" long way, but also in the "that was tough" way.

And I feel like I've said that a lot recently about weeks and weekends and how they've been tough and long and well, I guess that's just how things are right now.

My stress ran me into the ground this week end I was run down all week and ended up with a nasty cold this weekend.

I guess I'm glad I had the time off work to rest and recover but it also wasn't fun. C-Dawg and I had a plethora of plans in the works and they got shortened and postponed because I couldn't do much.

I had a good couple of walks in the sun and a cool photo taking experience but come Sunday morning I was absolutely done in.

The kind of done where I couldn't do anything more than lie on my couch and sniffle and sneeze and feel awful.

Spent most of the morning catching up on the second season of one of my favourite shows, Parenthood.

Didn't even know there was a second season, so I was happy to find it.

Six episodes in I stopped.

Realized I was all alone on Easter Sunday. Not by design, a bit by choice (I didn't have the energy to visit with family and didn't want anyone exposed to my cold) but it was the first time ever I hadn't been with family on Easter and it hit me hard.

Do you ever get like that when you have a terrible cold? Everything just hits you harder?

C-Dawg was at home missing her new boyfriend and I was at home single and alone.

They're two different things you know, and the alone part is much much harder.

It didn't help, I suppose, seeing this amazing tv family all perfectly imperfect and everyone so close. So much togetherness and I was very much sitting sick at home on a holiday weekend on my own, and it felt like with my Dad's health issues and their inevitable aging and just the reality that when it comes right down to it being single means being alone and maybe that's my reality this go round.

So I cried.

A lot.

Swollen shut eyes kind of crying.

Called people and cried.

Talked to my parents, my brother, C-Dawg.

Did it help?

It must have, but it didn't feel like it at the time, just felt like I had taken a drop of sadness out of what feels like a gigantic ocean's worth.

Which I suppose is what mourning and loss feels like at first.

Knowing that this weekend was a bottom, a low and that even yesterday things were lighter.

Having my cold start improving and spending the day running silly errands with C-Dawg, eating ice cream and buying new lenses for my camera and taking care of me and being with someone instead of being alone.

It helped.

But man that was a long weekend. Disappointing and hurtful and sad and lonely. But good too.

A better day yesterday and looking forward to good things that are most probably just around the corner.

And chocolate that didn't get eaten (how you know I'm really sick) that will be waiting for me when I get home from work today.