I've probably talked about it here before at some point or other but one of the things that I've been mulling over this last week or so is the possibility that I may just not be meant to be married.
And it's not that I'm saying that in a self-pitying or martyred kind of way, I just am starting to wonder if I'm going to be one of those people who just doesn't end up in a relationship.
We probably all know someone, most often a man, who never married or had kids. I remember a friend of my parents, someone my Dad worked with and he had the neatest little house full of books and smelling of pipe tobacco and as a child it didn't occur to me as odd that he didn't have a wife.
I've worked with a couple of people, older, certainly that I'd hazard a guess have never been married and may never be so.
One older gentleman I know actually came to me the other day and told me I was lucky to be single. He confided that he feels he's been married to the wrong person and twenty years later there's nothing he can do except get nagged each night when he goes home.
So there's that.
Maybe I'm only ever going to be an Aunt.
Or an "Auntie" to my friends' children.
Maybe I'm only ever going to be a third wheel, the person at dinner parties who is awkwardly seated on the end.
Maybe people will make up stories about me and why I'm not married. Maybe if it was the 1950s they'd talk about my "one true love" being lost in the war and how I'd never quite recovered.
But maybe I'm meant to go through this particular life on my own. Maybe I'm not meant to have a partner, a lover, a husband.
I don't know.
But I'm starting to wonder.
15 comments:
"He had the neatest little house full of books and smelling of pipe tobacco"
That made me cry.... perfect description of my Dad. :)
You'll find someone when it naturally fits. I believe this now. I've been in your shoes not too long ago, wondering if I'm meant to be alone. I no longer believe that we're meant to be alone.
I want it, you want it, we're going to go out and make it happen for ourselves and not wait for it to find us!......Deal?
Honey, I dwelled on not using my beloved Grandmother as an example, but I am going to. She married my grandfather in her late 50's/early 60's (His first wife/my dad's mom died in car accident about 30 years before).
She will tell you yes she wanted to be married, but there was a life to be lived and if it was to happen it would happen. They will have been married 30 years this year. It's not a life time but it's 30 years they will both tell you has been some of the most amazing times in their lives. She wouldn't call herself one of those feminist types but she was. She was/is like you are strong, independent, talented artist.
This is but a bump or a series of bumps in your life. It's okay, lean into it, see what you can learn and move forward
I know this is kind of "self-help" like but I heard Brene Brown's TED talk and have listened to it pretty routinely since then because it pokes me in a vulnerable but true place. She has a website www.ordinarycourage.com I would suggest checking it out - I see the desire in your writing to live whole heartedly but it seems you aren't sure how to get there or if it's really worth the struggle to get there. Maybe I'm wrong, and I'm okay with that.
I got married when I was 24 (the first time). I divorced at 32. With the exception of my kids... I can say that I would have rather not gotten married at all.
I met my guy at 29 and we were finally able to be together at 32. He is 16 yrs older than me and what make me sad is that we will NEVER have a 50th anniversary. (he's 58 now).
I don't think we're meant to be alone. You WILL find the one for you! Have faith :D
I'm not going to lie, sometimes I have the same thoughts and I hate it when people all tell me I'm being sill and that of course I'll find someone. Because you know what? Some people do end up alone, it happens. It doesn't mean we are less of a person, it just means we have a different path. So maybe you are . . . maybe you aren't. You'll only know when it actually the end . . . you know? I guess my point is that I read what you wrote and then I read all the comments saying "of course you will, have faith, be patient!" and thought . . . well that's not helpful at all. Personally I think if we are terminally single, we'll the most interesting people at the dinner party because we'll be living life and all the things we are doing and not just talking about how our partner annoys us or the bowel movements of our children.
Dude, you words totally speak to me. I've had those EXACT same thoughts, most recently within the past couple of years and as 30 looms ahead. I've been trying to prepare myself for the possibility and be happy with it anyway.
Aww, hugs JS. Didn't mean to make you cry...so hugs.
And, deal? Sure :)
I like the story of your Grandma SnP and will give that TED talk a listen ;)
Thanks Kas. And I'm happy you're happy :)
It's helpful to hear someone else feels the same way Ness, and yeah, I guess I won't know til ... the end, and it's true, you don't hear me talking about my child's latest poops! ;)
Thanks Jillian. And, yeah, I think that's where I'm trying to get to... "ok with it if it doesn't happen"
Great post, V. I swear, sometimes you must be in my head because you articulate exactly what I'm feeling so accurately. I find it so strange and yet so comforting to know there is a little community of strangers here who know exactly what I'm feeling too...
I'm approaching 30 next spring and am terrified that I will end up alone. I've done the 'just believe it' and 'it will happen!' thing for so many years now, and I'm just finding it more and more exhausting to stay positive. And as you said, it's hard not to think we may be wishing for something that just isn't going to happen....
(Sorry to leave this comment on a 'downer' note!) But - keep up the great writing and sharing...."If we're alone, we're together in that too...."
I know what you mean and I have a hard time finding the balance too. Do I stay hopeful and positive or turn towards being realistic and logical. Dunno.
But thanks, it does help to hear I'm not the only one.
Hi Victoria,
Growing up, I used to believe that by the time I was 30, I'd surely be married and maybe have kids. Simply because all the grown ups in my life were. It has taken me some miserable years in my twenties to realise that my life shoudn't be a waiting station for a man to come around. I now believe that being part of a couple is just another way of living, just like being single is. Living the single life is in no way less valuable than being married; it's just different and you learn different things from it. It makes me sad that so many people seem to think we should all be in a romantic relationship.
Anyway, I don't mean to say there's anything wrong with wanting to be in a relationship but it made my life so much better to focus on all the things I did and have while being single, than on what I thought was lacking.
Very true Mary :)
This really resonated with me because I have thought about it a lot in the past. I think I am just now getting to the point where I am sort of okay with never being married...and not in the sad martyr way (as you put it lol)
great post and great blog!
Totally Cookie...
(and thanks!) :)
I ask myself the same thing all the time!! I love being auntie and I know if I have kids I want to adopt, but is that enough or do I want to get married? I don't do relationships well. I hate being clingy and needy and jealous. All the things people are to make relationships work...that men say they don't want, but they really do.
I hear ya. *hugs*
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