Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Seul

One of the harsh truths I learned while in Vancouver for my Dad's surgery was that when it comes right down to it, I am all alone.

Very much.

My parents are there for each other and when it's a bottom line, life or death, high stress situation like we were in, that should be their only concern.

And as much as my friends reached out to support and be there for me, they all have their families and husbands or children as their main concern.

Same goes for everyone else in my life, my brother, my co-workers, my acquaintances. At the end of the day when it comes right down to it, I am the only one who's looking out for me first.

There really only was one day where this hit me hard, and I had a good cry over it and then packed my feelings back up and went back to where I'd chosen to place myself; next to my mother, to support her, and I'm grateful that I was strong enough to be there for her.

It was just an enlightening experience to be going through all that and to realize that no one was looking out for me.

Except for me.

And that that's how it is and that's maybe how it's always going to be.

Were the world to fall apart right now, right this moment, there'd be no one looking out for me, coming to rescue me. I'm going to have to do that for myself.

And I guess I already do. Just haven't ever had it lain out before me quite so clearly before.

I'm on my own here, and that's all there is to it.

I'm grateful for the love and support of my family and friends, but I've also learned I have to take care of me because that's the only way it's going to happen.

I haven't quite put it properly here, and I'm sure a lot of you will say tut tut, you're just feeling down, but it's not like that. This is not some sort of self-pitying complaint and if it's come across that way it wasn't meant to. I just mean to say that when things get really really bad, things boil down very quickly to what's real and what's truth, and harsh as it may sound and as harsh as it was to go through, I learned the truth of being a single woman in a very different way last month.

And it's made me different.

13 Comments:

Blogger Just Sayin... said...

Excellent post! I understand it whole heartedly.

Note of caution though...
While looking after yourself as a strong, independant woman etc.. when you do meet someone who will be there for you etc. Let him in.

Don't let yourself become harden, and defensive from such strong independance, that you don't let anyone in to support you in the way you need it most. Or even regonize you're pushing others away.

You will be amazing as always. There is a strong man out there who is capable of being with you. You'll find each other when the timing is right.

That time though, is not right now.

Much love and understanding! xo

Wednesday, July 27, 2011 9:38:00 am  
Blogger Jonathan said...

I love that you are so honest.

The old saying just popped into my head while reading this - "you come into this world alone, and you go out of this world alone"

Wednesday, July 27, 2011 9:39:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Truth is we are all alone, yet we are all in it together.

Yes, I have a wife (and now kids) that I love and they love me. But...

Prior to this I too was alone and so was my wife. I was 39 when we got married. (I suspect you have a ways to go before you beat that) We don't validate each other nor are either of us an gap-filler in the other's short comings. We are two adult individuals that are great friends and lovers.

It took time to meet each other and we are still very much growing together, as well as individually. You are younger than I but you seem to be a strong individual. Develop your individual "self" and forget about the alone/together thing. I know that your blog title lends itself to the subject, but still... Be selfish in your pursuits, be secure in who you are and confident in your abilities.

Take trips, explore the world, learn to scuba dive in the Caribbean, etc... Take advantage of your unique situation. When you least expect it you will have to plan for another, then another, then..... I don't regret my life nor my choices and both my wife and I did all of those things. Except I learned to scuba in the FL Keys. :) My wife took a 2 month tour through Africa by herself and prior to that a 3 week tour in Peru (via tour packages). We now want to share those things we did individually with each other and the kids!

Let no one drag you down (not that I think you would let them) but don't allow yourself to drag yourself down either. This life isn't about being alone or together it's about living the now without losing sight of the future. Someone will find you or you, them.

Go! Have fun! and TRY to forget the Angst

Wednesday, July 27, 2011 2:05:00 pm  
Blogger Solitary Diner said...

I can relate to this so well. It's a lonely and disorienting experience to realize that there's no single person in the world who puts you first in their life. I wish I had some great advice to offer...but all I can really say is I know what you mean.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011 4:47:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yeah, I'll really have to try to be aware of that JS, for sure...

Thanks Jonathan.

Thanks Anon, good points. :)

Sometimes just knowing someone else knows what I mean is enough SD ;)

Wednesday, July 27, 2011 7:58:00 pm  
Blogger Singlicious said...

I know what you mean.... I feel really lucky that a few good friends are there for me when I need them, as is my mother.... I do periodically wish I had a partner to turn to in the most difficult times, though.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011 8:44:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yeah...

Wednesday, July 27, 2011 9:29:00 pm  
Blogger Kas said...

*hugs*

Anon said it best...

Thursday, July 28, 2011 5:32:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Back at cha Kas

Thursday, July 28, 2011 4:55:00 pm  
Anonymous Single Girl said...

Victoria - it seems your posts always come at the exact right times for me, and you always take the words and thoughts right out of my mouth (and so eloquently, I might add :)

My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in May and it has been a long and lonely road for me also. Like you, it was the first time I realized just how alone I am. And having to be strong for my Mom AND Dad, while my brother has a fiancee to be strong for him - has been hard.

Thanks for making me feel not so alone :)

Friday, July 29, 2011 7:11:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Awww sweetie....big hugs.

Hang in there, ok?

Friday, July 29, 2011 9:18:00 pm  
Anonymous Kate said...

I know exactly how you feel. I am happily single but my Dad just had surgery for prostate cancer. The night beofre the op I was lying in bed at 2am and had never felt so alone in my life. There was no-one there to hear my fears and anxieties about my Dad, no-one holding me to make me feel safe. It made me differnt too.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011 8:37:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Oh, Kate, I'm so sorry. *hugs and love*

Wednesday, August 10, 2011 9:29:00 pm  

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