Thoughts

This week has been an interesting one for me for sure.

I've gone through every possible thought, feeling and emotion and have been able to pay attention to what I was thinking and why in that detached way they're always telling you to do.

Had this guy and I spoken earlier in the week I would have still been in my ranty phase, but now I'm in a place where I've collected my thoughts and I know what I think and feel and I'm proud of myself for that.

I'm not a good fighter. I'm not even a good discusser. If you call me out on something, I freeze, my thoughts go into panic mode and I can't think clearly. As you've witnessed this week, when something throws a curve ball at me I tend to panic and it takes me a bit to calm down.

So while I hope to hear from this guy this weekend, I won't die if I don't. And while I hope, if I hear from him, that what he's thinking is reasonable and close to what I'm thinking, I'm not hanging my hopes on it.

As many of you said, I've managed to sort of mentally move on.

That doesn't mean I don't hope for a positive outcome, but I'm not invested in it. I'd be disappointed, sure, but it'll be ok.

And if things go well and we both decide to keep hanging out, I won't be going into it as blindly as I was before. Which is also good.

And I do know that my reactions to this situation were about me and that I need to keep sorting through why, exactly, I felt that way (although I suspect I pretty much know why) and how I would handle things differently.

Because if this doesn't work out with this guy, there'll have to be another one eventually (right?) and I can learn from whatever I can and...well, yeah.

So, sorry that you got the brunt of my rantings and insecurities and hurt and upset. Well, no, I'm not sorry, exactly, because that's what can be helpful about having a blog.

I think just sometimes after I'd put up a post I felt like I'd put too much out there, like maybe I'd want to take it all back down.

Which, I suppose I still can, but yeah. It's been a while since I've been that honestly vulnerable and raw and just put it out here like that without taking time to process and chill. It felt...weird somehow. I think maybe because I felt like I was airing dirty laundry and that if I was him and found this blog I wouldn't be impressed that the whole world knew all this before I did.

Smith is the only boyfriend I've had that I told about this blog and so I've been re-reading some of the posts from when we first met and when we split up. I noticed in one that I said I wasn't sure I wanted to write about a relationship again because it was too hard when it ended.

But, now I'm just babbling again really. About a relationship that isn't and may never be. But still....it's an interesting thought to be having again. What do I feel about talking about a private thing in public when there's someone else involved? Mixed.

I feel like I've said too much this past week...

So, yeah. There's where I'm at now. Calmer, feeling wiser, would like a positive outcome, but am not really sure it'll happen.

How's your week been?


P.S. Today is world photography day. Go take a picture!