Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Dis-Understanding

Splash by foundimagination
When I hadn't heard back from that last guy in a week and a half, I went ahead and deleted his contact info from my phone.

And I was in the middle of deleting his messages from the online site when I got a message from him.

"Sorry to be so delayed in getting back to you, am out of town, etc. Will be back at the end of the month."

So I messaged him back asking how things were going with his trip and I haven't heard from him again.

He's on the site very regularly, mind you. I just haven't heard from him.

So I guess I'm giving up on him, again.

There's part of me that wants to just politely ask if he's more interested in someone else or if he just isn't interested in pursuing anything with me or if he met someone while he was away (he sort of half lives between two towns) or if he's just ... I don't know.

I think that's the thing. I don't know.

I don't know why he's no longer "speaking" to me.

And I think, maybe, I'd like to know.

I mean, I can tell when we haven't really connected and I can tell when I'm not interested in a guy and I can tell when we have connected.

And each time I've felt like I've connected with a guy via on line, it hasn't worked out.

Chad was the closest I got, four or five dates over a span of a few weeks and then he "wasn't ready for a relationship."

The other guys I connected well with were "seeing someone else" or whatever it was and let me know right away.

This particular guy is the first one where we've both really connected and then he just....didn't follow up.

Even though, in the end, it's his loss and it wasn't meant to be and all that reassuring stuff we tell ourselves when we're rejected, but still. What I do not understand about this on line dating experience that I've had is how to judge how things are going.

Because, obviously, I have no idea.

I know we can't all fall in love with each other and it's partly a numbers game and partly a luck thing and part chemistry and blah blah blah blah blah, but my mother insists I'm "doing something wrong" and I just couldn't tell you what it is.

All I know, is it doesn't seem like I'm going to be one of those statistics of people who meet their spouse through an online dating site.

Which means I have to find some other way, some real life way of meeting them and I can't seem to figure that one out either.

So it kind of feels like maybe now would be a good time to declare myself an Old Maid. (Minus the old because that just seems mean.) Maid.

What's the female equivalent of "Confirmed Bachelor" anyway?

13 Comments:

Blogger Dateafrenchman said...

This post reminds me of a guy I met online a while back. When he disappeared after two really quite lovely dates I was flabbergasted. The months rolled by with no news and then he resurfaced to see how I was doing before promptly disappearing again. Recently I typed out a text message to him to ask why he'd disappeared. Because hey, I'd just like to know for my personal benefit. Then I felt ridiculous and deleted it. But I'd still like to know is the thing.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011 9:27:00 am  
Anonymous Mizkay said...

I think one of the cruelest things a person can do to another is withhold information. That's kind of an umbrella act since it can include disappearing without a trace thereby causing doubt, paranoia, decreased confidence, etc.

That's when we long for that thing called "closure."

It might be a risk for people to tell us the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, since they as well as we aren't entirely sure how we would react with the information. Nothing is ever sure in life and even the calmest and coolest of us can lose our shit with the right type of info. But I think we owe it to one another to be able to be open and communicative, no matter how superficial or short-term we might view the relationship.

Of course, I can be guilty of withholding information sometimes too. Never said I was perfect ;)

Sorry that happened to you, girl. We've all been there and we're all with you!

Tuesday, October 04, 2011 9:56:00 am  
Blogger Stephanie Hunter said...

I KNOW EXACTLY what you are saying. Then the question is, where do you go to meet the people you want to meet, and not the "other" kind- you know what I'm saying.
Toast to you for trying. I guess we just have to keep getting up and keep going.

But, it sucks. =(

Tuesday, October 04, 2011 10:15:00 am  
Blogger Unknown said...

Your mother doesn't know what she's talking about... Seriously

Tuesday, October 04, 2011 10:20:00 am  
Anonymous Jonathan said...

This is one of those times when I want to just write a stream of curse words to support you in your frustration with the universe, but of course I won't because I don't do things like that...

Tuesday, October 04, 2011 2:04:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just to take up the devil's advocate role even though I may not necessarily agree with myself on this one.
I used to travel a lot in my work. 2 weeks out of 4 I would be living in hotels and airports. I didn't text and when I received them I would "shelve" them telling myself I'll call back with a reply. Personal stuff should be handled personally, I thought.
The result was that I had an upset girlfriend at time wondering what the hell I was doing. It was more absent minded and focused thing on work than anything else.

Mind you, you could be right and things didn't click. Oh well and time to move on. Don't mean to be flippant but it's just a date and it's just preventing you from meeting someone else and being happy. Move on.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011 2:22:00 pm  
Blogger Happydog said...

Sigh...Mothers how they love to help us with totally unhelpful advice. I'm sure your Mother is lovely in all ways but comments like "you must be doing something wrong" just sucks when you're already telling yourself that very same thing. It's seductive to think we are the problem (maybe we are maybe not) because then we feel in control and if we can find the magic answer and then voila we would have the relationship. Unfortunately as you know not so simple....mainly because there's no real control (Yikes!) and it's not just us in the equation but another person as well....anyway my two cents
And back in the day the equivalent of "confirmed bachelor" was ahem "lesbian." :)

Tuesday, October 04, 2011 2:37:00 pm  
Anonymous Haco said...

I had a guy just magically disappear on me last weekend...we'd been out on a few dates then I went away for 4 weeks but we were still in contact. When i came back he was away and busy with stuff. We arranged to meet on Saturday...said he'd call with details etc....have heard nothing since! Ah well...

Tuesday, October 04, 2011 3:04:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I say we all say "pashaw!" to disappearing online men Dateafrenchman! Who wants to date a guy who disappears? Poo poo heads! (gasp at my language!) ;)


I know what you're saying Mizkay, and I think a lot of times it's "easier" to just....disappear rather than say something hurtful and that's maybe why people do it?

I know Stephanie... I don't know where I'm supposed to go to meet these good guys I know are out there! Sigh.


It's funny Unknown, but when you put it that way it made me realize she probably doesn't. It's not as if online dating was around when she met my Dad ;)

Of course you don't Jonathan! :)


That's certainly an argument I'm willing to go with Anonymous, that he's just busy and distracted. So I'll be open to another date down the road if things settle for him I suppose.

Oh HD, they do mean well, but yes, it doesn't help to hear what my unhappy mind is already thinking... And as for no control? Ugh!


That's poopy Haco :( I'm sorry.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011 4:58:00 pm  
Anonymous Kate said...

Ahhh... the disappearing guy - god how I hate him! I do take solace in this from the book "He's just not that into you"....

"He's gone. Poof. Vanished into thin air. Well, there's no mixed message here. He's made it clear that he's so not into you that he coouldn't even bother to leave you a post-it........."

I just can't waste anymore of my time trying to work out where they have gone... It's happened a few times to me in the last 2 years that now I can kind of laugh at the childishness of it all and think "bullet dodged with a creep that would do something like that".

Tuesday, October 04, 2011 5:41:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

So true Kate. I remember that book and it struck a chord with me.

It's probably time I give it a re-read.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011 6:39:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am on a dating site too and a few months ago I dated this guy for about a month but he tried to rush things sexually and after I wrote him about it he never spoke to me again.
So we just reconnected a few months later (now) and we went on one date and it was good, then he started to smother me again! I though the point of reconnecting was to reintroduce ourselves to each other and he was all over me by the end of the night.
Then I didn't hear from him the next day and texted him and we texted for a while. I brought up that we may be slipping into a similar pattern. I have not heard from him since. What a jerk. He couldn't even defend himself or say anything back??? I made sure to say everything in a very non confrontational type of way and he just blew it off.
So I can kind of tell where you are coming from, I am definitely giving up on him. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Thursday, October 13, 2011 5:03:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Boo. Sounds like a poopy head!

Thursday, October 13, 2011 6:36:00 pm  

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