Monday, 5 December 2011


I'm not happy in my home.

I'm struggling with interpersonal relationships.

My work is too much worry and not enough reward.

I don't like the number that's attached to my next birthday.

I know I have so many blessings in my life and I'm grateful for them, but this space I'm in right now is a heavy one.

Watching what's going on around me, I'm coming to the realization that even if I met a great guy, it wouldn't be the dream I'm hoping for. And even meeting a great guy and falling in love would only distract me from filling that something other in my life that's missing.

I know it took me a couple of weeks to feel settled at my parents' place, so maybe it'll take a couple of weeks to feel settled here. And maybe once I feel more at home, or even slightly at home, I'll feel better.

This move has unsettled me in a lot of ways. It's been four months since I was first told I had to move out. A long four months. Lots of adjustment for a worrier who doesn't like change.

And lots of moments where I ended up doing everything myself. Struggling, planning, doing. Myself. And I never imagined I'd be here. So very single. Surrounded by people who aren't single, and so don't remember that you have no one to turn to. No one to ask for help, support, hugs. No one to share the worry with.

No shoulder to cry on.

So I'm not in a good space. And it's the wrong time of year to be feeling like this. Christmas is always hard for me. Even Valentine's day isn't quite as powerfully about family and togetherness as this season.

Everyone curls in to their husband, their children, their grandchildren, their nucleus and celebrates all the intimacy. And all I can do is sit and watch from the outside. Always on the outside.

So I have to find that other. That whatever it is that's missing. Something I can pour myself into. Something I can curl into and live from.

I have to keep moving through this space. There must be an end to feeling like this.


Bad.Days said...

It's probably not much comfort to you, but you're not alone.

It's actually a little scary to read your posts sometimes, since they match my own thoughts and feelings, and where I am in my life so closely.

Until we find our "other" we can be a little lost, and a little miserable, together in the internet ether. I'm sending you hugs and a cup of good cheer.

Anonymous said...

I've been going through my own stuff the past four months. A breakup, a realization that my job isn't all that I hoped for and a few other things.
It's been so scary having these ups and downs, but I made the decision to apply for a one year sabbatical from my company.
This is going to give me the perspective I need. I'm going to find another job and figure out life away from the reminders of the relationship, away from my current job situation.
It's two breakups in a very short time, personal and work life, but I know it's all going to make me stronger.

Hang in there. It will get better. You'll have your aha moment soon!


Dateafrenchman said...

I know exactly what you mean. Right now I'm walking around like a zombie. I get up, go to my shitty job, come home, drink tea, watch TV and go to bed. Everything is bla, and I'm just going through the motions of everything.

People often say that you need to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with someone else. But what if you were happy by yourself but then got so sick and tired of waiting for that someone else that you find yourself just dragging yourself through every day.
I'd say Chin up. But I'm gonna need someone to say it back to me.

Stephanie Hunter said...

I know...
But, I just hoping.
Tomorrow... maybe tomorrow....

Hugs from afar friend. =)

Kate said...

I hear you! On Sunday I thought to myself "Isn't it so wonderful to be single, carefree and happy?".

Yesterday I woke up after dreaming of a long ago ex feeling lonely, heart broken and sad. As you said, I watch everyone else curling into their cocoons of happiness and I got to bed every night aching with loneliness even though I have an amazing life.

But you know what? It always passes.



Janee said...

I'm sorry you aren't happy in your home. :-( I was surprised to read that because, having just read your archives, your home always seemed so warm, cozy and comfortable. Moving is always hard - physically and emotionally exhausting. I'm sure the way you are feeling with work and with your interpersonal relationships is affecting the way you feel about your home, too. I'm guessing that in a few weeks it will start feeling like that same cozy home (*your* home) again. Hang in there! You aren't alone!

Janee said...

PS: Just wanted to add: never underestimate the power of a nice hot bath with great bath products, new pj's, clean sheets, a new candle and a cup of hot chocolate (or tea)! :-)

Unknown said...

Girls! Chin UP!

Finding a man will not be the solution to feeling the way you feel! Find things/people/events you like, and get involved. Don't spend too much time by yourself, don't watch too many sad movies or listen to too many sad songs! Get out the door and make yourself happy. No man can do it for you the way you'll do it for yourself.

A relationship also always comes with its very own worries and insecurities, that sometimes can feel a lot more overwhelming than work or other problems. The man you find won't want to be a shoulder to cry on all the times. He'll want you strong, happy and positive. Sometimes he'll need to lean on you as well.

I worry about you reading your blog these days. You're the only one that holds the key to your own happiness. It's up to you to make every day an adventure, and live to the fullest! I know you have it in you!

We all do!!!

Wow - I'm on a roll... Seriously, I have my days where I feel down, but I always try to remind myself of all the positivity around me, and I try to seize the opportunities...

Hope you'll feel better very very soon

Erik Brown said...

I'm not much of a Christmas person either. People always think I'm crazy, but oh well. Contentment is a hard "ideal" to "catch". You need to refocus on what you have, not what you don't have. How many poeople would love to live in the same place as their parents? How many people would kill to have a newly renovated apartment? How many people get to live in a place as beautiful as the city you live in?

Victoria said...

No, sometimes that does help Bad.Days. It comforts me to think that when I feel all awful, someone else feels a little better because they feel the same way.

That's a lot to be going on Anonymous, you hang in there too!

Hey, I'll say it back to you Dateafrenchman, chin up!

Thanks Stephanie :)

That's very true, Kate it does always pass...

Yeah, it's not fun Janee. There are still trades everywhere and so while my suite is done, the building and other suites are still being worked on so... it's not warm, cozy or comfortable just now. But thanks... I do hope to be feeling better soon. (And, yes, I think a nice bath and pjs and goodies is a great idea) ;)

Thanks, Unknown, but yeah, I'll be ok. Thanks for the encouragement.

Oh don't worry Erik, I'm very aware of what I do have. Just having a rough go of it at the moment.

nadia said...

oh my, I know exactly how you feel. Just hang in there (not very helpful, I know). But you are not the only person who goes through this. Take care.

Jonathan said...

Hello you. I wander away for a couple of weeks (idiot work schedule), and by the time I come back, you've written all this amazing stuff, and I get sucked in for the entire lunch break...

My two penneth... sometimes you have to work through the crappy stuff to reach the other side - they you have some perspective to appreciate the good stuff.

I'm still re-learning that every so often...

Victoria said...

Thanks Nadia. It does help, and I will hang on...

Heya Jonathan. I hope you at least ate your lunch? ;) And, yeah, it's just sometimes working through the crappy stuff just seems like it never ends. *shrug*

Anonymous said...

Your post made me cry. You've echoed every thought I've had in the last week, month, year. I share your thoughts about Christmas, and my birthday is on Christmas day too, which makes it even worse...
This year has been a very hard one for me, personally and professionally, and I too feel completely alone. But like you I have to keep moving through the crap, and I have to believe that next year will be better. This too shall pass.
Thank you for your post, and I hope it makes you feel a teeny bit better knowing that you're not alone. You're right, there is an end to feeling like this.
Sending good vibes your way xx

Victoria said...

I'm sorry you're going through all that and that this is a rough time of year for you too.

Hang in there, thanks for the words and super big hugs to you.

Aleks said...


I wish you well and I wish that I could give you a hug!

I'm lucky to have someone, but I recall the times when I was single and alone and scared and with nobody to turn to. I wish that you can make it through the holidays and come out stronger on the other side.

I know it's not the same when people send you hugs over the internet, but you can always lay in bed, hug a pillow, and think of all the people that read your blog and care about you. You are not alone! You may be alone in a 'physical presence' sense of the word, but you're not alone when you consider the caring thoughts of others.

So here is 1 coupon for a free hug. I hope you can print it out and use it as necessary. I don't know which places will accept it, but I hope nobody refuses it if you try to use it.


This coupon entitles the bearer to one free hug upon request. Coupon has no cash value.

Victoria said...

Hey, thanks Aleks. The coupon's going in my wallet for use when needed :)