I Hate Everything About This

I've been thinking a lot lately about my weight and what my body looks like and what I eat.

I've spent a lot of energy beating myself up over what I eat and how I eat it and how that's affecting my weight in a way that does nothing but upset me and how I still don't do anything about it knowing all this.

I've been trying to analyze it all. Figure out if this is some kind of self-destructive thing or something. But then I really slowed down and thought about it.

I've been dealing with stomach issues for years now. Even on this blog, I first mention it around five years ago, and it must have been going on for a while before that for me to talk about it here.

So let's be conservative and say that for five years, half a decade, food has hurt me. I've associated my stomach with pain for a lot of years now when you look at it that way.

And then there was being told I had Celiac disease, and then that no, I didn't, but that there was something wrong and we just didn't know what.

But I spent a year or two eating gluten free and it was miserable. Miserable partly because it didn't immediately stop the pain and because it was difficult and whatever enjoyment I had in food was taken away. And on top of that, gluten-free foods are not calorie sensitive. The concern is not the carb/calorie/fat intake, it's the lack of gluten.

And add on to that a car accident that took away my ability to work out regularly and I suppose it's unfair to beat myself up for putting on weight.

It's been nearly three years since the accident and I'm still struggling with exercise and pain. So that doesn't help my weight situation.

And food is still touchy.

I try to eat well and my stomach rebels at the change.

I try to be healthier but things don't all sit well.

I think when I'm honest with myself, the battle I play the most with myself is that of re-learning to enjoy food and eating.

Which is difficult. I have certain things I know are ok/neutral and I have certain things that I know will probably set off pain.

And the things that I know are ok are not the healthiest/best for me.

But I'm doing what I can there too.

I think what it comes down to a lot of time is "treats".

Wanting candy/chocolate/salty treats because of one reason or another. And I know I should reduce my sugars, I know know know this but when there are so few things I can enjoy eating, maybe I shouldn't beat myself up for relying on the few treats I do have.

I guess I'm trying to get myself to a place where I'm not hating myself for what I eat and how I eat it because that hasn't worked and isn't working.

I don't know when the weight went on. I stopped watching my weight when I was diagnosed with Celiac. I felt I had bigger fish to fry.

But now that the weight is on, I'm not comfortable. People keep telling me they don't notice, but I do. I don't fit into my bras anymore. I've had to buy bigger ones. My pants are tight and cut into my waist. I don't enjoy looking at myself in the mirror and I used to at least be proud to see the muscles in my arms and some definition.

I don't want the weight anymore. I'm no longer wishing to be back down to the weight I was at sixteen, but I don't want to be here either.

But as much as I know this, and as much as it makes me feel dizzy to look at the numbers on the scale right now I don't seem to care enough to do anything about it because I'm still eating the way I do.

And, no, I'm not willing to do a food diary again, food is already an enemy, a struggle, a battle.

But I don't know what to do.

I can't magically exercise it away. Exercise is a whole other battle that I'm doing my best to fight.

And I don't have the willpower to watch what I eat and I don't know why.

I don't know why.

But I'm trying to piece it together and what I do know is that 1. food is a risk - I never know when it will hurt 2. I don't like a lot of things so those I do like I keep close 3. the foods I know won't upset me and cause me pain aren't healthy ones. 4. I feel like I deserve to eat things that taste good and while I've already denied myself a lot, there are some I don't. 5. people keep giving me advice and even I know what I should do but I don't seem to care enough to do it.

I've never lived with anyone who's an addict, so I don't know how an addict gets to a place of wanting to give up their abusive relationship with a substance. And not that I'm saying I have an addiction to food, but sometimes it feels like it, and, if it isn't already obvious, I can't give up food. There's no way to go cold turkey on this one.

I'm not asking for advice here. I'm just trying to sort it all out for myself in my head and sometimes when I write something here it gives me an amazing amount of clarity the next day.

I often find myself wishing that I'd be told I had some other life-changing, horrible illness that would force me to cut out sugars. Diabetes has come to mind. As horrible as it sounds, as sick as it makes me feel to say it, I find myself thinking that if they'd just tell me I had diabetes, I'd stop eating sugars and would lose all this weight and be healthy again.

I don't know why I just can't make this decision myself. But I think it has something to do with what I've gone through in the past two to five years. I don't know if I can handle another struggle with food, and watching what I eat would be one.

I don't want to struggle with calorie counting and food diaries when things will still hurt and I'll still feel ill. Really, some days it's just too much of a struggle to get through the pain or nausea or whatever, I get to the end of those days and I just want to taste something I'll enjoy. I just want a treat.

But I hate how I feel in my clothes. I don't want to say "oh, that's just how I look now." I don't want to be here five years from now with another ten, twenty pounds added on.

I don't know how to fix this.