Dooce.com had a link to a website that collected photos from weddings. Photos that really captured a moment. And being one who loves photos and holds closely the idea that I might one day be in a wedding of my own, I flicked through the photos somewhat damp-eyed.
And then I came across this photo of a Dad tearing up seeing his daughter wearing her mother's wedding dress.
And I started crying.
My Mom didn't keep her wedding dress, so I will never have that option.
I won't even have the option of holding a swatch of that dress or making that dress into a part of my day.
My Mom didn't think to keep it. It wasn't a "wedding" dress per se, she says. More of a dress that she bought to wear at her wedding.
Which was a very simple affair, as many were in Scotland at that time.
And it's not so much that I want to have a lavish affair (although I do reserve the right to make that choice if I want come the day) it's that I love the idea of wearing your mother's wedding dress for your own wedding.
Like christening robes that are passed down from generation to generation, or rings that pass from grandmother to son to love of his life, I like the idea of things crossing time and taking on more meaning.
My Mom wore a simple blue dress. Not sure the thing would even fit me. Not sure I'd even want to wear blue on my wedding day, but it still makes me feel sad that it's not an option.
Sad that I won't have that extra special moment where my Dad sees his little girl all grown up and starting her own life in the very dress he married her Mom in.
And then I started thinking about whether or not my Dad will even still be here when and if I get married.
Will I ever even get married? And will he still be alive to give me away?
I might not. And he might not.
I'm lucky, so very very lucky that my Dad's still alive. But he won't live forever.
And if I do get married, have a wedding day?
There's no guarantee I'll have both, or either of my parents there to witness it.
My heart cracks open with the pain of it and I have to remind myself there are too many "what if's", too many too many and what will be will be, and I just have to remember that I'm here, my Dad's here, my Mom's here and that has to be enough for today and for now.
Sometimes it breaks my heart to be a daughter.