Two down posts in a row...sorry about that. Rough week The Third, I guess.
Maybe I'm just one of those people who's not meant to be in a relationship.
Maybe I'm not meant to be close to people.
I can't find a man to be with me, haven't really kept a romantic relationship going for that long anyways. I don't think my family likes me much. Sure, they love me and all, that's biologically programmed and expected, but like me? Doesn't appear so. I'm just someone who doesn't quite live up to what they'd hope I would in so many ways. Constantly not quite good enough.
Friends? Sure, I've got em. But they all have their "person", their significant other, and most of them have kids; their own family. And if you read up a paragraph ago, I don't have that man in my life to be my person, I don't have that close friendship you get when you're in a committed romantic relationship. So yes, I have friends, but they'd all get along fine without me, and I've grown tough enough that I think I'd get along if they all left. Which sometimes I suspect they will, given time.
I know I struggle with things. I know I don't feel like I deserve support or love. I know I don't believe people want to take care of me and I know I get hurt when people say things in anger. I know I do my fair share of keeping people at a safe distance, I know I'm trying so hard so much of the time to reduce the hurt to cushion myself from the blows that come from caring about someone else and I think that's what has me thinking that maybe I'm just not meant to do this.
Maybe I'm only built to handle a certain hermit like level of closeness. Maybe I'm meant to live a slightly miserable life alone in the safety of my own emotional security.
I don't know, maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself, maybe this is all just a giant pity party.
I keep getting around to accepting that there may never be a significant man in my life. Right now, I feel like maybe I'm not meant to have anyone in my life. Maybe I'm just not able to handle the hurts that go along with that. Maybe I'm tired of hearing that I'm letting people down or feeling like people have let me down and so I should just not.... be with people.
Or maybe just not close. Maybe I should have a thousand acquaintances that I can keep at an arm's length.
If only I could believe I'd actually go for any of this. . .