Maybe I'm just one of those people who's not meant to be in a relationship.
Maybe I'm not meant to be close to people.
I can't find a man to be with me, haven't really kept a romantic relationship going for that long anyways. I don't think my family likes me much. Sure, they love me and all, that's biologically programmed and expected, but like me? Doesn't appear so. I'm just someone who doesn't quite live up to what they'd hope I would in so many ways. Constantly not quite good enough.
Friends? Sure, I've got em. But they all have their "person", their significant other, and most of them have kids; their own family. And if you read up a paragraph ago, I don't have that man in my life to be my person, I don't have that close friendship you get when you're in a committed romantic relationship. So yes, I have friends, but they'd all get along fine without me, and I've grown tough enough that I think I'd get along if they all left. Which sometimes I suspect they will, given time.
I know I struggle with things. I know I don't feel like I deserve support or love. I know I don't believe people want to take care of me and I know I get hurt when people say things in anger. I know I do my fair share of keeping people at a safe distance, I know I'm trying so hard so much of the time to reduce the hurt to cushion myself from the blows that come from caring about someone else and I think that's what has me thinking that maybe I'm just not meant to do this.
Maybe I'm only built to handle a certain hermit like level of closeness. Maybe I'm meant to live a slightly miserable life alone in the safety of my own emotional security.
I don't know, maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself, maybe this is all just a giant pity party.
I keep getting around to accepting that there may never be a significant man in my life. Right now, I feel like maybe I'm not meant to have anyone in my life. Maybe I'm just not able to handle the hurts that go along with that. Maybe I'm tired of hearing that I'm letting people down or feeling like people have let me down and so I should just not.... be with people.
Or maybe just not close. Maybe I should have a thousand acquaintances that I can keep at an arm's length.
If only I could believe I'd actually go for any of this. . .
12 comments:
I have been having these exact thoughts lately. It seems like everyone has their own agenda and their own husband or boyfriend and yep they could pretty much live without me. Life is just meaningless. Lol. But seriously, you are not alone in thinking like this. Sorry for the crappy week you are having. I completely understand that. Sometimes life just sucks. And here lately for me it sucks all the time. Ha.
Ditto x
I know friend.
I've been reading your blog for about a year now, and you seem to post something along this theme with relative frequency. It underlines your desire to have a boyfriend and close friends, and yet you say that you keep people at arms length. If this is something that is affecting your life and your relationships then I might recommend that you see a professional to get to the root of this fear of pain and rejection. By talking to someone you can learn to love yourself and lose the fear of getting hurt. You can also learn to find happiness that isn't dependent on the love/approval of others.
Just something to consider...
It's hard when it feels like that eh Katherine?
Thanks Anon.
Hugs Steph.
Thanks Anonymous, I have and I do :)
I feel like I could have written this post. It's tough to see everyone around me in couples. I wonder if it's just too late for me. It's not about depending on a boyfriend to make you happy. It's about finding your happy ending. I hear you.
Hugs Datea :)
This post sounds like the anthem of an introvert. Beside the fact that I've been happily married for 12 years, this could be me. The only close friends I have are childhood friends and we only see each other at best once or twice a year. If were not for my wife and three kids, I would have no close friends around.
I play hockey five days a week, each time with basically different guys (and some girls), so there could literally be 100 people that could become friends. And yet there is not a single person who I could call to go out for a drink or do something other than golf or hockey.
I've long since come to the conclusion that I am a hardcore introvert. I don't get close to many people and not many people get close to me (sometimes I still have trouble figuring out how my wife and I got together). It's too bad that introverts were brave enough to mingle with other introverts. I wonder if we would understand each other and that common character trait would be strong enough to bond over.
In the meantime, I try, but I usally end up home in my bubble. Such my life and I've learned to live with it...
Thanks for this Elliott, it actually really helped to hear someone else happy enough with being this way...
I've also heard a lot about a new book about "the power of Introverts" so that's maybe worth a read, eh?
But, yeah, maybe there should be introvert hangouts. But then again, maybe we'd all just be even more awkward? ;)
Thanks :)
No problem. I completely understand how you feel. I remember when I moved from my hometown of London, ON to small town Central Ontario. I was 25, just had my designation, knew about 5 people in the town I moved to, and was the youngest in the office by about 15 years. If it weren't for golf, hockey, and softball, I wouldn't have left my house (thank goodness for cats).
Everyday I still struggle with what you described. I am now the Canadian Controller and HR Manager (don't ask about HR, I know, bad fit, but what can you do?) of a mid size company. Some days all I want to do is close my door and be by myself, but I can't do that with my position. Some days are such an effort to interact with colleagues and employees that I am so exhausted that I have to go to bed when I get home.
If I can do, so you can you. You have lots of readers pulling for you. All the best.
Ah you could have written the first part of your post from my mind. Alternatively while I need pockets of alone time I crave being with people and wonder if I will ever find "my person". I found "a person" and was married for 10 years, but now at 40 I am navigating alone again. And yes friends with "their person" try to offer comfort - I am rambling and I really don't want to to end by saying something trite or cliche - so I guess I will just say - do something nice for yourself tomorrow!
Oh, I hear that Elliott. Sometimes after a busy week all I can do is come home and hide in my apartment for the weekend. It's frustrating to try to convince people that no, I actually *need* to just hole up. Thanks for the support and sharing :)
I will do Michelle! And sounds like lots of us have this feeling in common eh? :)
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