Can't Shake It Off

Last weekend at the barbecue party thing, one of the couples that stayed later into the evening ended up knowing my ex, the one I call DD due to his ridiculous drunk dialing episode after he'd ended things.

Now, DD, for all his (many) downfalls and faults as a boyfriend, is also the ex that I shared the most intense and intimate moments of connection with. Moments so pure, I waited for him for nine months while he was overseas when I should have let things go. I wanted those moments to continue. I wanted us to build on them.

Why am I talking about DD now?

I don't really know.

I just know that when his name came up at the party last week, and the three of us talked for a bit about him, I felt sad.

And for whatever reason, this weekend, I missed him terribly.

I had to stop myself, on Saturday evening, from calling him (I don't have his number anymore, but his work number is available online) or emailing him or something, anything, I just wanted to contact him.

I wanted to contact him and to see if we could get back those moments even though I know all the reasons why we probably couldn't and why I shouldn't. But I wanted to. I missed him... no, I missed US, with every bit of my self.

I know we tend to glorify past relationships at times. To gloss over the bad in only remembering the polished gems of this story or that. And I know, deep down inside why DD and I should not be a couple, but I'm aching for those moments. . . those moments that are forever etched into my heart and soul.

And, no, before you ask, it wasn't the sex. The "best sex I've ever had with an ex award" goes to someone else, not to DD, and as one of my exes pointed out to me, the trust you have in your relationship shows in how easily you enjoy sex, and I guess I never really trusted that DD was going to take care of me, never trusted he was looking out for me.

DD was an addict, of this I'm sure, and we broke up not long after I called him on it.

"I listened, I've heard what you said. Now don't ever bring it up again."

And still I would have stayed with him.

Such was the pull.

And I know how dangerous that pull is, but there's a part of me that would throw myself into that void, with him, with one or two others who have crossed my path, Fen perhaps, or the only boy I loved at the end of high school.

I can not understand why I missed DD so intensely this weekend, or why I thought, with almost all of me, that getting back together with him "just to see" was a good idea. But I did.

I can't seem to shake him off, and yet I know better.



Neil Young - Four Strong Winds (Live at Farm Aid 1995)