Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Can't Shake It Off

Last weekend at the barbecue party thing, one of the couples that stayed later into the evening ended up knowing my ex, the one I call DD due to his ridiculous drunk dialing episode after he'd ended things.

Now, DD, for all his (many) downfalls and faults as a boyfriend, is also the ex that I shared the most intense and intimate moments of connection with. Moments so pure, I waited for him for nine months while he was overseas when I should have let things go. I wanted those moments to continue. I wanted us to build on them.

Why am I talking about DD now?

I don't really know.

I just know that when his name came up at the party last week, and the three of us talked for a bit about him, I felt sad.

And for whatever reason, this weekend, I missed him terribly.

I had to stop myself, on Saturday evening, from calling him (I don't have his number anymore, but his work number is available online) or emailing him or something, anything, I just wanted to contact him.

I wanted to contact him and to see if we could get back those moments even though I know all the reasons why we probably couldn't and why I shouldn't. But I wanted to. I missed him... no, I missed US, with every bit of my self.

I know we tend to glorify past relationships at times. To gloss over the bad in only remembering the polished gems of this story or that. And I know, deep down inside why DD and I should not be a couple, but I'm aching for those moments. . . those moments that are forever etched into my heart and soul.

And, no, before you ask, it wasn't the sex. The "best sex I've ever had with an ex award" goes to someone else, not to DD, and as one of my exes pointed out to me, the trust you have in your relationship shows in how easily you enjoy sex, and I guess I never really trusted that DD was going to take care of me, never trusted he was looking out for me.

DD was an addict, of this I'm sure, and we broke up not long after I called him on it.

"I listened, I've heard what you said. Now don't ever bring it up again."

And still I would have stayed with him.

Such was the pull.

And I know how dangerous that pull is, but there's a part of me that would throw myself into that void, with him, with one or two others who have crossed my path, Fen perhaps, or the only boy I loved at the end of high school.

I can not understand why I missed DD so intensely this weekend, or why I thought, with almost all of me, that getting back together with him "just to see" was a good idea. But I did.

I can't seem to shake him off, and yet I know better.

Neil Young - Four Strong Winds (Live at Farm Aid 1995)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

occupy yourself with activities, lots of it. with new experiences, can you then remove, if not buried the old ones.
and yah... when we thought about the one ex that we loved the most, we tend to glorify and remember the good times only. today, on my way home, i was just reminiscing abt the sweet moments of the past with my ex. but, i remind myself, they belong in the past. i need to let them go, if not i wont be able to open my heart to create that similar sweet moments with another person. when will that be, i dont know but i want to make sure i am ready when that time comes.
so, acknowledge those moments and then gently let them go...
wishing you all the best, be strong :)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012 8:27:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks :)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012 4:15:00 pm  
Anonymous michelle said...

I waited for 6 months for someone who was overseas.....my waiting was before things really began....now I wonder if I hadn't been waiting then would he have still busted my heart wide open 9 months after he got home....like you I think of him (probably too) often.....dating again now - keeping busy too.

Thanks for sharing your stories!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012 7:08:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Oh man, I totally get what you're saying.... *hugs*

Tuesday, June 26, 2012 7:43:00 pm  
Blogger Prashhant Misra said...

I know how it feels.
I wrote my feelings here
Sure you would be able to relate yourself even a little bit here.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012 1:53:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...


Wednesday, June 27, 2012 8:19:00 pm  
Blogger Wishful Thinker said...

I know exactly what you're referring to when you talk about "the pull" - I think everyone experiences "the pull" from someone. And I have a feeling that part of the allure of the pull is that we want something back that we once had, but are without at the moment.

Props to you for resisting the urge! You truly are better for it!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012 10:43:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks. I think I am too! :)

Thursday, July 12, 2012 6:16:00 pm  

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