Clomp, Clomp, Clomp

I had a comment left for me this weekend, that, in a nutshell, pointed out that this blog is not what it used to be.

That noise you hear?  That's the sound of the elephant that's in the room, that apparently needs to be talked about.   Clomp, clomp, clomp.

I know this blog isn't the same as it used to be.  I know it's not the same as when I started.

I also know that of the blogs I've followed for years, there are times when I'm less interested in what they have to say, or often, times where I stop reading them because what they have to say feels wrong to me in whatever way.  (Too sad, too angry, too whiny, whatever.)

I also know that people have stopped reading here.  Or at least, they've stopped commenting... but I'd say it's safe to say I've lost readers over the years. (Not that popularity was ever my intention in starting this blog.) Gained some too, that's for sure, but I know things around here don't feel the same as they did in 2006.

I wish they did.  I do.  I wish I was still happy go lucky at the idea that my boyfriend, my husband was just right around the corner.

(But on the flip side, I'm also happy I'm not quite as terribly shy as I was back when I started writing here.)

But here's the truth of it all.  I haven't had anything close to a relationship in nearly six years.   Since Smith.

Sure, there was Bird, and there's been a few other crushes or short term "hmmm, what about him?" over the years, but I'm not sure anyone who hasn't been through it can imagine what six years of wishing for something feels like.  Six years of not being in a relationship.  Nothing.  Not even anything more than a few dates.  If you haven't been through it, you don't know how hard it gets to be, how it erodes away at you.

Having that constant "it'd be really nice if" in the back of your head.

Being told you just have to "not want it" and it will "come when you least expect it."

Watching everyone around you find someone, fall in love, get married, start a family when you have not had anything more than a date for years.

Years, you guys.

It drags you down.

As much as you try to live without it, live around it, live despite it, the not having someone is a constant thing.

So yes, I'm not as light and silly and free about being single as I was when I first wrote here; back then I was coming out of a relationship and heading into another and then getting over that heartbreak and trying to enter the dating world.  Now I'm half a decade without a relationship, and as much as I want to stay hopeful and positive, I have, in a lot of ways, had to stop thinking/wishing it will happen. 

And then, to be honest, these last two years have been very difficult.

I've had to face the mortality of my parents. I've had to go through some really tough personal challenges.  I've had to grow up in every way you can imagine, and it has been wonderful to grow, but really really tough.

For a while now, I've been struggling with writing.  Sitting staring at the screen with nothing to say, no happy stories to tell.  But that's part of the creative process.  Sometimes it flows, sometimes you just have to push through.

And because writing here is part of my creative outlet, and often, part of my figuring out the growing I'm going through, I don't want to just shut it down, so I make myself write out posts, even when I know I have nothing to say, even when I know what I have to say is not sassy/funny/enlightening posts about dating.  (See above, not dating, hence, difficult to write about something that's not happening.)

I'm not trying to gather our pitchforks and burning brands to hound the commenter, and I'm not trying to start a pity party, I'm just saying, yes, I know.  I know, and I've known for a while that the feel of this place is neither what it used to be or, more importantly, what I'd like it to be.

But it's either write, or don't write, and since this is ultimately my space, and my outlet, and my creative writing arena,  I keep writing.  (I keep taking photos too, for what it's worth, even if I don't think they're any good, just to keep pushing myself, it's far too easy to give up and stop creating.)

I can't tell you how much I appreciate those of you who do still read here, and especially those of you who feel compelled to comment.  It means the world to me, really, that you share in my journey, even (perhaps especially) when it's in a low point.  Even if it's a long low point.

So, yes.  I know, I know.  I've been feeding the damn elephant after all, I know it's there more than anyone.  And because I don't know how to fix the "holy %*&# I'm still single and the most single I've ever been in my entire adult life (because kissing Owen M in Kindergarten doesn't really count) situation" I just keep writing anyway.

And I know that alienates, or has alienated some people, and I just accept that that's how blogging works.

But I'm sorry, I wish things were different. 

And all I can do on my end is to keep on keeping on, for better or worse, and keep on writing.

But thanks for being here with me anyway.  Anyone want to pet the elephant?