Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Clomp, Clomp, Clomp

In The Light by foundimagination
I had a comment left for me this weekend, that, in a nutshell, pointed out that this blog is not what it used to be.

That noise you hear?  That's the sound of the elephant that's in the room, that apparently needs to be talked about.   Clomp, clomp, clomp.

I know this blog isn't the same as it used to be.  I know it's not the same as when I started.

I also know that of the blogs I've followed for years, there are times when I'm less interested in what they have to say, or often, times where I stop reading them because what they have to say feels wrong to me in whatever way.  (Too sad, too angry, too whiny, whatever.)

I also know that people have stopped reading here.  Or at least, they've stopped commenting... but I'd say it's safe to say I've lost readers over the years. (Not that popularity was ever my intention in starting this blog.) Gained some too, that's for sure, but I know things around here don't feel the same as they did in 2006.

I wish they did.  I do.  I wish I was still happy go lucky at the idea that my boyfriend, my husband was just right around the corner.

(But on the flip side, I'm also happy I'm not quite as terribly shy as I was back when I started writing here.)

But here's the truth of it all.  I haven't had anything close to a relationship in nearly six years.   Since Smith.

Sure, there was Bird, and there's been a few other crushes or short term "hmmm, what about him?" over the years, but I'm not sure anyone who hasn't been through it can imagine what six years of wishing for something feels like.  Six years of not being in a relationship.  Nothing.  Not even anything more than a few dates.  If you haven't been through it, you don't know how hard it gets to be, how it erodes away at you.

Having that constant "it'd be really nice if" in the back of your head.

Being told you just have to "not want it" and it will "come when you least expect it."

Watching everyone around you find someone, fall in love, get married, start a family when you have not had anything more than a date for years.

Years, you guys.

It drags you down.

As much as you try to live without it, live around it, live despite it, the not having someone is a constant thing.

So yes, I'm not as light and silly and free about being single as I was when I first wrote here; back then I was coming out of a relationship and heading into another and then getting over that heartbreak and trying to enter the dating world.  Now I'm half a decade without a relationship, and as much as I want to stay hopeful and positive, I have, in a lot of ways, had to stop thinking/wishing it will happen. 

And then, to be honest, these last two years have been very difficult.

I've had to face the mortality of my parents. I've had to go through some really tough personal challenges.  I've had to grow up in every way you can imagine, and it has been wonderful to grow, but really really tough.

For a while now, I've been struggling with writing.  Sitting staring at the screen with nothing to say, no happy stories to tell.  But that's part of the creative process.  Sometimes it flows, sometimes you just have to push through.

And because writing here is part of my creative outlet, and often, part of my figuring out the growing I'm going through, I don't want to just shut it down, so I make myself write out posts, even when I know I have nothing to say, even when I know what I have to say is not sassy/funny/enlightening posts about dating.  (See above, not dating, hence, difficult to write about something that's not happening.)

I'm not trying to gather our pitchforks and burning brands to hound the commenter, and I'm not trying to start a pity party, I'm just saying, yes, I know.  I know, and I've known for a while that the feel of this place is neither what it used to be or, more importantly, what I'd like it to be.

But it's either write, or don't write, and since this is ultimately my space, and my outlet, and my creative writing arena,  I keep writing.  (I keep taking photos too, for what it's worth, even if I don't think they're any good, just to keep pushing myself, it's far too easy to give up and stop creating.)

I can't tell you how much I appreciate those of you who do still read here, and especially those of you who feel compelled to comment.  It means the world to me, really, that you share in my journey, even (perhaps especially) when it's in a low point.  Even if it's a long low point.

So, yes.  I know, I know.  I've been feeding the damn elephant after all, I know it's there more than anyone.  And because I don't know how to fix the "holy %*&# I'm still single and the most single I've ever been in my entire adult life (because kissing Owen M in Kindergarten doesn't really count) situation" I just keep writing anyway.

And I know that alienates, or has alienated some people, and I just accept that that's how blogging works.

But I'm sorry, I wish things were different. 

And all I can do on my end is to keep on keeping on, for better or worse, and keep on writing.

But thanks for being here with me anyway.  Anyone want to pet the elephant?

19 Comments:

Blogger Jonathan Beckett said...

You write perhaps the best blog I have read in all the years I have been involved in it. You are a constant in the blogging universe - and while that sounds tremendously nerdy, it's not meant to be. You are steadfast. A clear voice among so much detritus. You have always written wonderfully too - which is more than I can say for myself.

This "internet" thing would be a lesser place without your words.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012 10:27:00 am  
Anonymous Josh said...

Who ever says you just have to not want it or it will happen when you least expect it are basically full of crap. I've found you have to force it a bit. Get your self out there.. go on bad dates...and keep your mind open. Being single can suck and be demoralizing. Just gotta keep pushing.
And you're photography is good...embrace it ;)

Tuesday, November 13, 2012 10:38:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't usually comment but wow that comment on the weekend was not nice (and why don't they sign their name?)I really enjoy your honesty whether it's a good or bad experience you write about it so well,it makes me laugh or cry. That is so rare in blogs, most of them seem happy happy fake. Thanks for writing so beautifully.

brandi

Tuesday, November 13, 2012 11:55:00 am  
Blogger Happydog said...

Yes, I've noticed how your writing has changed. I felt sad about that and wondered what I could say so I stopped commenting....but not reading ( and enjoying your photos on Flickr)
So...I also had 6 years of no relationships and I know how wearing it can be on your emotional life. I have no advice for you, wish I did. Other then to say I'm glad you've kept writing and taking photos.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012 1:27:00 pm  
Anonymous Joel said...

For what it’s worth, I've been reading here off and on since 07’ish. Found you through the BC Hydro interview. I enjoy your honest and bright voice. That and I’m also a single person living in Victoria.
As for the blog, do it for yourself first. If it feels like too much pressure filling a post then perhaps a journal makes better sense (although I think you do that anyway). Or perhaps posting less frequently?
Anyway, thanks for putting your unvarnished self out there.

Joel

Tuesday, November 13, 2012 4:04:00 pm  
Blogger Likalia said...

I don't comment as often as I should, but I look forward to your daily updates, thoughts, whatever you feel like writing.

Maybe it is because I feel like I've been going along the same road these last few years (or at the very least crossing paths), but I never think your entries are off base and I always admire you for continuing to post. You know I am not that great at the frequency on my own blog. ;)

Also we should set up date for your elephant and mine to get together so they can bitch about us.

Take Care!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012 6:03:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thank you Jonathan, really. And thank you for being one of the "old schoolers" who have been around here since..., oh forever! :)

You're totally right Josh, I think it might take a lot more effort than some people suggest. (I mean, Mr Perfect has not just shown up on my doorstep, which is a good thing as I'm in my flannel pjs at the moment) Will keep my mind open, I promise.

Awww, thank you Brandi, sweet of you to comment! :)

I've noticed it too HD, and will just keep pushing through until it changes again, hopefully back. And I understand about not commenting, sometimes I read blogs and don't have much to say even though I'm reading. I wish you had advice for me too, but at least I know that one other person survived and came out the other side, right? Thanks.


Well high five for being single in Victoria Joel! ;) And, yes, I've always just wanted to write here for me first. I like to stick to writing 6 days a week, I think if I let myself post less it would just drift away into nothing. I'm forcing myself into the habit I guess. Thanks.

Oh Likalia, you've been around since forever too! (And yes, I still regularly check your blog for whatever updates may happen to happen) :) I never want anyone to feel obliged to comment, just if they have something to say, really. I can only imagine the conversations our elephants would have. (Although, we probably wouldn't understand it, it being in elephantese) ;)

Tuesday, November 13, 2012 6:44:00 pm  
Anonymous narami said...

I've noticed the change, because we all have. Blogs change because people change. I think it's natural.

But I have to say, I have been reading since around 2008 or 2009 and I have loved that you have kept writing. THAT'S what blogging (AND LIVING) is about; it keeps going.

I've had a blog since 2002 (or 2001? I'm bad at dates) and I have no idea why people suddenly "don't have time to write" or "it's too much work" or whatever; if it's your outlet you just don't let it go. If it wears you down, you are doing it wrong.

So thanks for keeping it up. Cheers!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012 7:32:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When I found your blog ... what? about 5 -6 months ago I read it from the beginning. Perhaps some of that initial optimism was in part due to knowing your words were going to be read, then when you got more comfortable with the daily tap, tap you were able to ease off into some daily uncomforts (if that makes sense) ... you know full well that many relationships do not last or endure in misery ... you are in line for a 'go the distance' kind.
Cdn Anne in England (divorced! & childfree after 21 years)

Tuesday, November 13, 2012 9:56:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

It's true Narami, blogs do change because the writer changes. I do see and understand that the changes haven't necessarily been towards the happier side, but I can only hope the pendulum will swing back that way, but you're right, it's totally my outlet and so I just keep writing, for better or worse.

Anne, I was super excited about beginning to blog Anne! But, yes, things were different romantically then too. But you're right, I have not had to endure a miserable long term relationship or go through a divorce. And, yes, know what you mean about perhaps easing into daily discomforts. It's also the reality of being single. Sometimes it's ickier than other times.

("Childfree after 21 years" made me giggle)

Tuesday, November 13, 2012 10:23:00 pm  
Blogger Tom Natt said...

Well, I did write a lengthy comment being very supportive and saying you do a great job. Epic, it was. Sadly somewhere along the way Blogger decided to eat it so, a la Tenacious D, this is a tribute to that digital supportive hug / handshake (delete as preferred).

So yeah. You continue being great.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012 3:11:00 am  
Blogger littleaustralian said...

As someone who is recently single by my own choice, I am just beginning to take my first baby steps into the dating world. I haven't ever dated before, I haven't ever been single for more than a couple of months between long term relationships since I was in high school. I'm still in the stage where being single is a novelty. It's definitely the right thing for me right now - but I can 100% confirm, that if I were in your situation (which I may well be in a few years time) I would feel exactly the same way.

I don't know much - because I'm just reading your blog - but keep on hoping - because there is someone for you - and they are just around the corner - it might just be a few corners, or you might not have discovered the right corner yet.

Thanks for sharing!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012 11:02:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

I am cursing Blogger on your behalf Tom. CURSES! Thanks :)

I hope so too LittleA. ;)

Wednesday, November 14, 2012 4:51:00 pm  
Anonymous K_Hood said...

Just ran across your blog for the first time today and it resonated with me. After 11 yrs (and im only35!) of being single i got into a relationship last year only to be back at square as I write. And I agree, it's all fun and single girl games until your OBGYN quietly asks you if you're "planning to have kids in the near future" - it sucks actually. But I keep telling myself my dating disasters are helping me appreciate when the real thing comes alone. Hang in there!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012 6:49:00 pm  
Anonymous Elliott said...

Hi Victoria, I have been reading for awhile and leave comments when I have time. Everyone grows and changes over 6 years, you would not be human if you stayed the same. Write for you, let the readers come or go.

For what it is worth, I think you are a really good writer and I look forward to your daily updates. I have been swamped and have not been leaving many comments, but still reading. I hope you keep writing.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012 8:27:00 pm  
Blogger Anonymous said...

I just recently entered the world of blogger, and your blog is the only one that i really enjoy so far! Please follow me, i write about my personal life as well ! Im not at the same point of life as you are, but I already have a tough time trying to find a decent man around my small town!

Im at www.theincompetentblog.blogspot.ca/?m=1

Wednesday, November 14, 2012 10:17:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

K_Hood, I think I would burst into tears if my doctor asked me something like that. *hugs* I'll do my best to hang in there if you will too.

Thanks Elliott, and thanks for all the commenting you do do when you have time! :D And, yes, I'm always going to write for me, readers or no.

Thanks Anonymous, I'll check it out :)

Wednesday, November 14, 2012 11:52:00 pm  
Anonymous kandijay said...

I know I'm late to the party on this one, but I also feel the need to chime in and say I look forward to reading your blog every day. In a lot of ways I feel a kinship with you, and there have been times I have wanted to follow your example and start my own blog. Because there are things that I think and things I want to say that friends and family don't understand, or even want to know about. Like the frustrating fact that I haven't had so much as a date in over a decade.

I pretend that I don't care to my family and friends, mostly because I don't want to hear their advice, ranging from "you aren't trying hard enough, you have to put yourself out there" and "once you stop looking you'll find someone." It's all garbage, none of them are me, and they don't know what they are talking about. And compared to the other issues of life, and the older I get the more I am face, it seems so small. And pointless.

Ahem, got carried away there. Anyway, my point is, raw honesty is what I appreciate about you. So keep it up.

Thursday, November 15, 2012 7:03:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Kandijay, point taken :) (And, yes, I hear what you're saying... sigh)

Thursday, November 15, 2012 7:42:00 pm  

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