Friday, 2 August 2013
I'll Tell You How It Went Tomorrow. This Is Just The Pre-Ramble. And No, It's Not What I Forgot I Wanted To Tell You.
Well, not a date, exactly, but a first meeting of someone.
From the dating website.
Yeah. I don't know how I feel about it all exactly. Somewhere in between "odd" and "it's time."
When I realized things with Jay and I weren't going to work out, I fired up the website and it made me feel sick to my stomach. I remember when things ended and I was such a mess, saying to my friend who came over to help me breathe (literally) that I couldn't be single again, I couldn't do it.
I'm not sure I remember anymore what it was I felt I couldn't do, if it was the being without someone or if was the looking for and getting to know someone all over again part, but I know once I felt more peaceful about Jay and I being over, it was more the idea of having to start from scratch that felt... exhausting.
I think I signed on a few times, here or there, and just kind of scrolled through, never really looking too seriously at anyone. My profile's still hidden, my photo taken down. I did that once Jay and I decided we were just going to commit to getting to know each other and started our coupleness.
I guess it was a couple of weeks ago, no more than three, when I saw a profile that I liked, and decided, what the heck, I may as well say hi to this guy.
I felt somewhat conflicted doing so. Maybe a little queasy. I don't know if it's because I really don't like the idea of trying to get to know a new person again or if it's because that's sort of a more permanent step away from Jay than I'd made since we reconnected a little.
Not that there's been much communication. And that made it easier. I know, without a doubt, that Jay and I won't work while he lives elsewhere, and there's no point in me rehashing the why's with myself. But I can't lie and say there's not a part of me that thinks that if Jay were ever to live here again, permanently, that we might just pick up where we left off. And I also would be lying if I said that if Jay has to come into town for work again, we wouldn't hang out again, cuddle, maybe spend a night together, who knows?
So for me to contact someone, to put myself out there, really was a step away from just... waiting. A step away from being frustrated by what is and what isn't.
That's not saying that I'm going to date anyone, or that I'll be in a relationship or anything, it just means I made a choice to make things different. Less stagnant.
But man, it's not a stress-free process. For me, at least.
As my friend (who's also dealing with an ex situation) said "at least one of us is moving forwards."
Yeah, I guess.