Monday, 23 September 2013


Always More Fun To Be Had by foundimagination
I woke up Thursday morning with Jay.  He'd wanted to stay closer to town as his setup was far out where it's very quiet.

We were still in a quiet part of town, but when our sexy horse art car came home at five or six in the morning blasting Nirvana, I had to laugh.

Welcome to sleeping in the city, Jay!  We don't sleep much here, and we like us our noise.

Or, rather more honestly, we sleep here because we've been out in the air and elements all day and biking or walking for hours every day and all it takes to sleep is being tired and putting in earplugs.  Because, yes, I slept very well at Burning Man, and woke up each morning feeling rested and restored.  Awesome.

Jay and I biked out to his setup and had breakfast, and then I took off to have the heat of the day to myself.  I knew I couldn't stay in our camp, and I forget what Jay was up to for the day but we split ways with plans to meet after dinner/sunset to go to the regional burns together.  (On Thursday night, they burn some of the art.  Not the main pieces, but some of the pieces made by various cities around the world.  Like, the Victoria Burning Man community built a piece and the Reno community, etc. etc.)

I went to center camp, a large, circular area that's partially closed off, and with some shade.  There are two stages within center camp with activities going on all day, art all around the space, dancers and partner yoga going on in the center area, and one of the only two places you can spend money (ice sales being the other) in the entire city.  Center camp sells coffee and iced drinks and I was happy to lie on the cushions and bolsters that are scattered throughout the space, drinking an iced lemonade and just watching everything going on.  I napped for a while, but eventually had to pee so I headed out again.

My bike lock had been acting up (I figured it was the dust) and so after I got help from information to find the closest portapotties (and had to do the birdie dance in exchange for a new map) I went to the bike repair camp and they helped me fix my lock (it wasn't the dust, but a super easy fix, and the guys there were awesome and helpful)  I headed out and not half a block away, one of my front brake wires popped off.  I was walking my bike back when I ran into a girl in a super mario mushroom costume who worked there and we chatted on our way back to the camp.  She and another fellow helped me put my cable back in (I think I could probably do it myself again now) and when I thanked her, I started to cry.

I'm an emotional person, we know this, but something about being helped, just because I was there and needed it kept striking me as the nicest thing.  No one wanted anything in return, they were just there to help.  Me.  And anyone else who needed help.  It's kind of an astoundingly awesome thing.

I biked around for a while, mentally shaking my head at myself because there I was out and about in the middle of the day, had I gone crazy? and then I made my way to the clothing boutique camp where they were set up like a store and you could go and find outfits that suited you.  I'd felt really out of place (another post another day) and so I found a scarf and a simple long black dress and a cute white shirt and then I headed back to my camp for more down time in shade.

I'd noticed my toe starting to hurt.  Not my big toe, but my second toe.  When I went to look at it, it was red, but I couldn't see what the problem was.  My skin in general was pretty unhappy.  Mainly my fingers and hangnail type areas.  My fingers were pretty destroyed and that toe in particular was unhappy.  My boot was just making it hurt more and when I investigated, my boots felt like rock.  (Pretty great hiking boots I got last Spring)  My best guess is that while I sweated in them, it turned the dust in them into a sort of hardened rock-like owie making thing, so I switched into my runners and that felt better.

That evening, after another non-meal of beef jerky and almonds, I sat around waiting for Jay.  I was feeling pretty anxious.  I didn't want to go out with my camp mates, I'm not sure I can explain why other than I ... just didn't want to go with them, but I also didn't exactly want to go with myself.  But I didn't want to just sit and wait for Jay if he wasn't going to show.

I had made a last minute decision to just go to the regional burns with my camp mates when Jay showed up.  He was annoyed at having to wait for my camp mates to get ready, and I was annoyed that he was annoyed after he showed up much later than he'd said he would.

We took off on our bikes and headed to the burns which were already under way.  We made our way to the front of the crowd and sat watching.  I leaned over to Jay and told him that I'd like to go to a burn with him.

He replied with "this one."

And I, in that moment, gave up.

It was the final straw for me with him.  He'd showed up late, had been frustrated to have to wait for us to leave and now he wasn't even going to consider spending any more time with me, wasn't going to go to another burn with me even as I sat there telling him it's what I'd like.  How many more times did I have to let this guy show me how very little I meant to him.  This was my ending point.

"This one," he said.

"Okay," I said.  "Okay."  And I got up and I left.

I stood by our bikes until they came back (Connor had locked his to mine and I didn't want to leave his bike unlocked as it might have been taken) but man oh man did I ever just want to take off into the desert and never see Jay again.

I left them and went to the Temple.  I wrote out a bit how I felt about our relationship and I sat and cried.  As I was leaving, I turned back and wrote the following...

Loving you showed me how little I think of myself.  
And you never even said thank you.
Victoria "

And I cried.

I was dizzy, that's how emotional it all was for me.  Seeing him being him, and seeing me wanting more, and how it wasn't really about him, but about how being with him just highlighted how I treat myself and think of myself.  And that's where the hurt comes from.  Not that he's who he is, that's his life.  I hurt because I don't seem to think I'm worth more than this.  Or the guy before.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  It hurt me that I'm like this to myself.

I was pretty shaky, so I walked my bike around.  I found a sculpture piece that broke me down again.  It was all questions about YOU.  What do you want for your life?  How do YOU express yourself?  And things like that.  I wish I'd had my camera so I could have captured the questions so that I could sit here now and figure them out, but it was just the right thing at the right moment to make me think... about me.

I kept walking around, shaking until I eventually found myself back in center camp.  I found a spot and I put in my earphones, threw on some of my music and slept for a while.

I woke up an hour or so later, I don't know what time it was, maybe midnight?  But I was a little bit chilly and I knew I should get home.

It was a dark ride home, literally and figuratively and when I got back, Connor showed up but I didn't feel like talking and I told him so.

I remember cleaning my backpack a little, something had spilled and the dust had turned the spill into mud which had hardened and then I went to bed.

It was colder, enough that I was able to use my sleeping bag.

I remember thinking that I would likely not see Jay again.  That I was certainly not going to go looking for him and I believed, at that point, with all of me, that he would not bother coming to try to find me.

I was done with him and while I wouldn't say I was happy with it, it was a calm feeling.  If one still with some anger.

I remember lying there thinking that the playa was pulsating.  The beat of music vibrating, quite literally through the desert floor.  I remember thinking that I like the quiet.

I'm not sure that I made any choices with regards to Jay that night but I wrote down that I'm still hooked to him sexually... physically, but that something had changed for me in a major way.

I also wrote down that I was finding it hard to eat.  That I wish we had actual meals (which perhaps we would have had if our fridge or stove had been working.)  That I felt like I was forcing protein on myself, which was hard, and not because I'm hungry, but because I think I must need it.

(Now, before you jump in with any pitchforks or Jay bashing protest signs*, just know that the week wasn't over yet, and just because I thought I'd never see him again doesn't mean that's what the universe had planned for me.)

* I mean, not that you'd do that you delicious bunch of lovelies, you!


Anonymous kandijay said...

First, *hugs*. You are amazing. Remember that.

Second, I envy you. I hold my emotions so close to myself. There are few people I let see me angry, and even fewer that will ever see me cry. I wish I could be as open with my emotions, even with myself, as you are. We all have to figure ourselves and our lives out our own way.

Monday, September 23, 2013 11:11:00 am  
Blogger Matt79 said...

Damn - I was considering writing an anti-Jay comment before your disclaimer!

But I also know what it's like to mention some negative things about an ex and then end up trying to explain why I subsequently got re-involved with them. Not nice! So I understand that it isn't easy, and that we readers will never see the complete picture.

Monday, September 23, 2013 12:08:00 pm  
Blogger Matt79 said...

P.S. I agree with Kandijay that you sound like an awesome person. Of course, the main thing is not what we think of you but what you think of you, but hopefully we can help a little in convincing you.

Monday, September 23, 2013 12:12:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thank you Kandijay! *hugs back at cha* It's hard, wanting to be someone/something different. I was just born a heart on my sleeve person. It has made some things harder, for sure. I bet you're perfect just the way you are, but if you want to open up more, you can always start with safe people or safe places! And yes, we each do need to figure it out on our own. For sure.

Whew, thank goodness I put the disclaimer out then eh Matt? Hope you didn't already have your torch lit and pitchfork sharpened! But, yeah, it's hard to have to explain when you say the negative things and then seemingly ignore them later. Thanks for understanding.

PS. Aww man. You guys. (Now I'm all sniffling again.) Yes, I will take your help in convincing me :) Thanks.

Monday, September 23, 2013 9:08:00 pm  
Blogger onelanalove said...

I keep reading your blog and thinking, oh my gosh she is so me! Burning man is such an emotional place and I have had many cries there as well. The second year I went with my version of Jay and it was a mess. Unfortunately it took me 3 more years with him circulating in and out of my life to realize that i deserved better. I still keep repeating the patterns in men that I choose, but at least now I am aware of them and able to end them sooner, as it seems you are as well. Life is a journey and so is learning to love yourself. As women we have to be kind to ourselves and know that its ok to have bad days and months and years and relationships. They make us strong. Thank you so much for sharing your story and its good to know there are other people going through the same things I am :)

Monday, September 23, 2013 10:14:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Victoria:

Was trying to leave a comment for your "AWK" post:
but couldn't find a link to the comment form anywhere.

Not going for a meal on the second date isn't weird. By that stage you'd want to do something fun. At least you showed up for your date! Here’s a guy and all the “dating games” he’s experienced with dating women:

While he’s detailing the games women have been playing, I’m sure it’s true of both sexes.

But anyway, keep up the good posts.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013 4:07:00 am  
Anonymous Tamara said...

You and I have been going through the same thing lately. Figuring out why we pour so much of ourselves into these relationships/friendships and get nothing back. Why we feel it's okay to do this? Do we not value ourselves enough. I find myself crying when reading your posts, as it hits home.

I would likely give a friend all the advice that I would never follow. Believe in yourself, don't let the devalue your existence. Yet I never seem to follow my own advice.

I do believe that there is someone out there that is going to show us the attention and interest we deserve. It's just a long bumpy road to find them.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013 6:30:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Oh, thanks onelanalove... And, yes, it's all a journey and process and I'm glad you connect to my story in a good way :)

Thanks Anon. I shut down the comments for a while while I was away.

Well, as long as it's a good crying Tamara... And isn't it weird how easy it is to give advice yet sometimes hard to follow it? *hugs*

Tuesday, September 24, 2013 5:41:00 pm  

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