From One Moment To The Next

In some ways I don't know what to say.

Or, I know what to say, but not where to start.

Or I know what to say and where to start but I don't know how many layers I should open.  Unravel.  Reveal.

Jay was in an accident.

Quite a serious one.  I won't explain what happened.  I always try to keep my anonymity, and the anonymity of those I choose to write about here, so I'll just say I'm not sure he should have survived.

But he did.  And he's very lucky.

Quite seriously injured.  But, again, not as injured as he should/could/might have been.

It's been a week.

A week where I was worried sick.

Couldn't sleep the night I found out.  The night after I got the text from him telling me he was in the hospital.

The text that made me wonder would I have ever found out if he'd died?

Because what do you do when someone dies?  Does someone go through their contact list and text/email/call everyone on the list?  I don't think so.

So what if this accident had happened and he'd died and I'd never heard.  Just... would have stopped hearing from him.

I suppose I would have googled his name eventually, and maybe there would have been a story about it, but... yes...would I have known if he'd died?

We texted back and forth a few times that day, and the next.  I offered him to come stay with me in the first few weeks of his recovery, before I even knew what was injured...what was wrong.

I just knew that where he lives in Vancouver isn't a great place for someone who's been hurt, and that he's not good at taking care of himself in the best of times.  And that were he here, I could help.  And that that's what you do when you care about someone.  Even if you're not really in love with them anymore.

I was pretty overwhelmed those first two or three days, after talking to him and hearing how badly off he is, and wondering how it would all work out.  Could we even get him here, physically?  Would he be able to travel?  Get up the stairs to my apartment?

And then my brain, as it does, started jumping ahead.  His contract was ending.  What would he do for work?  What would he be able to do for work?  What about next summer?  Would he be able to ride his bike at Burning Man?  Would he do stupid things and re-injure himself?  Do worse damage?  Would he ever be back to feeling ok again?

I tried so hard to just stay in the moment.  "I'm safe at home here.  Jay is getting excellent care in a hospital.  That's where we are right now.  Right now is all there is.  Stop thinking about anything other than right now."

The research I did on his injury really showed me how lucky he was.  Is.  He isn't needing surgery, would be in a brace of sorts for months, but other than that, he'd be released in a week most likely.

Lucky.

I tried my hardest not to fret too much, but I started thinking about making plans to have him here.  He wouldn't be driving, so we didn't have to worry about his car.  I'd make sure I took wires and rugs off the floor so there was nothing for him to trip over.

We would figure out about any physio or rehab and get him a followup doctor here, and, yeah, we'd figure it out.  I'd manage.  I'd make sure I took time to myself and I would give him tough love.  Not let him get stuck in feeling sorry for himself.  Help him get better, and stronger.  It would be ok.

I worried about him.  My parents, who have never met him, but know I cared for him, loved him, they worried.  My friends in the medical field assured me he was getting excellent care, it would be long and slow but he'd be ok.  My friends checked in, made sure I was ok, asked how he was.  I coped.

I got through the days.  Checked in on him.  Tried not to worry when I didn't hear back from him.

I sent him love and good healing vibes and thoughts.

Jay thanked me, a few days post accident, for some help I gave him finishing a last minute work deadline.  He said he couldn't have done it without me, and I glowed.... he'd never thanked me before and it had been hard.  Hard pushing him to do the work while I knew he was in pain, and on a lot of painkillers and just wanting to sleep.

But he thanked me.

And that meant a lot.