Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Self Talk


Brightly by foundimagination
I had a rough week a couple of weeks ago with regards to Jason.  My mind just kept spinning and spinning (something I'm going to try to work on...stopping those pointless spins) and I hadn't heard from him as much as usual (spinning, spinning) and I was totally, by the weekend, freaking out.

I called a friend who told me that even just the way I was speaking was stressing her out and she could tell I was freaking out... aka a little crazy.

I suppose I knew it, I'd called her to "talk me off the ledge" after all, but somehow when I'm feeling that way all I want to do is solve the problem or issue or worry that's causing the spinning because that seems like the most logical thing to do.  Fix the issue rather than stop the thoughts.

Anyway, once I'd calmed down and stilled my thoughts somewhat  (Writing helps, mindfulness helps, talking to a trusted friend helps, exercise helps, sleep helps, time helps, talking to the source of the freaking out helps.) Jason and I talked it over and I explained that I don't do well when someone sort of disappears without letting me know they're going to disappear.  I mean, I understand that sometimes you just need some time to yourself, I just need to know that and then I'll freak out less.  Or maybe even not at all.

So we had this conversation and Jason apologized and said he'd let me know next time something came up (turns out a friend had died and he'd gone out to be with friends and take time off from the world to mourn) and that he understood where I was coming from.

I felt a lot better after we'd talked, but I also felt... silly, to put it politely.  I felt like I'd over-reacted and un-necessarily... maybe?  And as I was talking this over in my head I thought to myself "man, I'm needy and insecure, why would anyone want to be with me?"

And then I paused.

Wait a second.  Why is it SO damn easy for me to say these kinds of things to myself about myself and yet I'm not willing or don't find it as easy to say "man, I'm kind and caring and have a huge heart"?

Why can't those things be going through my head?  Maybe not instead.  Maybe it's unrealistic to think I can just give up the negative (and possibly true) thoughts, but why can't I start forcing the other positive (and probably true) thoughts in there too?  Why do they seem fake but the unkind ones seem so real?

And, more importantly.  What am I going to do about this?

More than daily affirmations.

How am I going to actually change this? Because it's totally unfair to keep doing this.  It's completely unfair to only think about myself in the negative.  I may have some less than awesome traits, but dude... I have some awesome ones too.  Time to start pointing that out to myself and, maybe eventually... maybe soon?  Believing it.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Elliott said...

I know that is hard to do...I struggle with same issues. Knowing only what you write about, you certainly come across as a very caring, intelligent, thoughtful, and artistic person. Your photography is beautiful, as are the few drawings you've posted.

And I've said it before, I bet there are lots of people out there that look at you and like what they see...both physically and emotionally. You just have to trust and accept that (I know, easier to say than actually do). Sounds like you're getting further along that path...congrats.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014 8:10:00 am  
Anonymous AFST said...

I agree-it seems negative comments roll off the tongue easier than the positive ones. I suppose it's just a matter of spending time with someone who cares about you to bring you back to the "Positive Side". That and, like you said, self-conditioning.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014 10:30:00 am  
Anonymous Chris said...

it seems to be people naturally focus on the "flaws" and sometimes we need reminders from friends about the good things in us.

I will point out three things I like about you. I think you take great photos (from what you have shared here in your blog over the years). You are funny and witty (always a good things). Most importantly, your a super spy like myself. :P

Think positive! You ARE awesome! *big hugs*

Tuesday, March 18, 2014 2:30:00 pm  
Blogger Jason Langlois said...

The biggest part of the fight against the negative is being aware that it's actually a fight. That you caught yourself doing it is a huge advantage.

It'll help if you let other people's positive comments about you have more weight than the negative.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014 3:17:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Elliott. I'm going to trust and accept what you're saying! :)

AFST, it's crazy how much easier the not nice ones show up! But, yes, self conditioning I'm certainly going to work on. And good people around me too :)

We do seem to focus on the flaws, Chris. And thank you for your awesome encouragement :) *secret spy handshake* ;)

That's a great point J. I have noticed.... so I do have that advantage! Thanks!

Wednesday, March 19, 2014 8:19:00 am  

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