Friday, 30 May 2014

Mind The Gap

I probably already half mentioned it already but I had a couple of rough days this last weekend. 

And what I've noticed in terms of the Ego voice that I talked about on Monday is that when I'm down (for whatever reason) it jumps right in there.

Like, Saturday, I was missing Jason physically (if, uh, you know what I mean? ahem... awkward) and Sunday, I was so miserable I guess I was missing him emotionally?  But all I could think (Ego thoughts sound just like mine) was how I NEVER see Jason and he's NEVER there for me and we NEVER have any time together and when we do have time together it's NEVER good and he NEVER hugs me enough and I think what's different is that now, even when I'm low low low I'm still able to take a metaphorical step back from these thoughts and go...really?

We... never see each other?  Except that I spent the night at his place not three nights ago?  And he's never there for me?  Except when he is, in the ways that he's able to be?  And we never have time together except for last week when we spent probably five evenings or afternoons together doing various things and the two hikes we went on?  And ok, maybe he isn't as much of a hugger as I'd like, but shall I just mention (x-rated thing here) and how we kind of fell asleep all curled up next to each other before we woke up and realized we should put our heads on the pillows and pull up the blankets? (blush!)

So even though I still have moments, hours, times of hearing the negative, awful, powerful, strong thoughts that make me want to run away and break up with the evil that is clearly Jason and go find some man who will take care of me the way I want and deserve, I'm getting better and clearer at looking at those thoughts objectively and not just letting them be the truth.

Like I said, maybe it's partly mindfulness, meditation, maybe it's just personal growth.  Maybe it's all of the above, I don't know that it matters all that much because I'm just glad for it.

Life may not be perfect, and it's not always easy, but I think it's at least easier when it's not so great.  And that is a felt difference.

You know?

2 Comments:

Blogger Jason Langlois said...

I liken the experience of the negative thoughts to being in a mining cart and heading down into the depths. The process of stepping back and analysing the thoughts - I think of that as tipping over the cart before it gets too far.

I'm glad you're tipping your cart. It does mean more happiness.

Friday, May 30, 2014 10:50:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Cool :)

And, yay!

Friday, May 30, 2014 5:39:00 pm  

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