Monday, 2 June 2014


I'm not doing so good.  So well.  Both.  All of the above.  Un-good.

It's Sunday morning as I write this, so there's always the hope that by the time this posts, everything will be better.  Or at least I'll feel better about it.

Things with Jason and I are at a point.  They've been at a point before but I breathed, and I suppose I compromised and I let us get through the growing pain.  He's been having a rough time with things for a while now and it's been hard for me.  I've been supporting him, but not getting much back in return.  I haven't handled this well.  I've asked him for more support, but he feels unable to give it.  And he's been under stress and gotten sick and, well, I have too.

My reactions aren't always mature, but I don't think how he handles our relationship is always mature either.

I don't talk about the nitty gritty of Jason here.  Or with my friends.  It hasn't helped.  Not talking about it, I mean.  I partly don't talk about it because there are things about our relationship that few people I know would quite get.  And partly because there are things in our relationship that I know almost everyone would tell me I've made a mistake about, and I just don't need or want to hear it.  I keep saying, I can beat myself up just fine, I don't need anyone else to do it for me.  I just need love and support.

I'm trying to be understanding, as I always am with people, and boyfriends, and whatever.  But I just keep getting the same not so good things happening and I don't know what to do anymore.  Jason shuts down when he's in a "bad" place.  This leaves me nowhere good.  And this has been what has happened the last two weekends.  It's been miserable for me.  Utterly.  And while I've been trying not to be dramatic or overly reactive, I just kind of had enough this weekend.

Packed up his things he'd loaned me or whatever and dropped them off on his porch.

Mature?  Maybe not.  But neither is not talking to your girlfriend for days on end.

I don't know.

Is it over?

Looks that way right now.  Seeing as he won't pick up when I call and that seems ridiculous to me.  Will we talk?  I sure hope so, but this doesn't seem to be about what I want, which means I'm not sure what kind of relationship it is if it's all that one sided that I'm not considered.

Anyway, it's ugly in my world right now.  And I don't know if I'll be writing at all this week, I really don't.

I'm not happy to be going back to work today (Monday) because work is sucking (don't talk about work) but I suppose it's a mental distraction for a few hours at least, right?  And maybe if I forget my phone at home I won't notice that he's still ignoring me.  Or not.

Anyway.  Just... not sure I'll be posting much or at all this week, but who knows.  Life can be funny that way.

Be well.
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