Spin Cycle

I've been trying to sort of observe, when I can, the cycle of bad I've felt really stuck in lately.  Like, I mean, how do I end up feeling like my entire world is ending and I can't even take another breath kind of cycle sort of mind spinning badness.

So let me babble a bit here and see if anything comes out.

Ok, so things aren't working with Jason and my's relationship.  And things used to work better, but aren't working now and I a) don't know if that's a pattern that might change back to being better or b) the first while was the unusual part and the non-working part is the way it's .... always going to be?

So then if I even start to try to figure that out, because once I have an if-then kind of thought like that I feel like I automatically have to figure it out.  Like, now, so that I can make whatever decisions need to be made.  Like, do I stay?  Do I keep pushing through the bad?  Do I get out?  And then I start arguing for and against each of those things.

Like... "I should stay."  I should stay because all relationships are hard and you can't just leave when things are bad.  Right, but this hasn't just been bad for a week or two, it's been bumpy for a while.  Yeah, but it wasn't at the beginning so it hasn't always been this way, plus, change is the only constant so things will probably change.  And are you maybe over-reacting to a bad week?  Or a bad week and a not awesome week before?  What about the good things?  But, no, I shouldn't stay because I'm not getting what I want/need/deserve out of this relationship and that's not ok.  And then this just keeps spinning and spinning in my head and I get physically upset.  My head starts to hurt, I'm probably clenching my jaw, my stomach gets tight, nauseated, and I feel like crying.  Like I have to make a decision to end all the feelings.  And the only way to really make the feelings go away completely is to end things.  Done.  Over.  Now.  Finished.  Which I've done, and then realized it doesn't actually change anything and the feelings haven't gone away, it was just a momentary release and relief of phew, I walked away so I don't have to figure this stuff out anymore.

And then each of those arguments springs up another argument within the same realm.  Or an offshoot of the same argument.  Like... "what about the good things?"  I'm not paying enough attention to them.  Sure, but there haven't been a lot lately.  Ok, well maybe you're just wanting too much.  Bullcrap, you're not expecting too much, just what's common decency and respect.  Ok, but he doesn't have time.  That's also bullcrap.  He's not making time, he's clearly not interested, and you know you deserve better, this is you letting yourself put up with less than you deserve.  That's not the question, I'm trying to point out that there are good times.  Etc., etc.

And so the anxiety and spinning and awfulness just gets bigger and bigger and tighter and tighter and worse and worse and it can feel hard to breathe and everything feels overwhelming and all I want to do is make it go away.  Have someone come fix it.  Talk to Jason and be better.

But last week I told myself I knew he was busy with a work/volunteer thing and so I should try to just deal with it all myself.  That maybe that was part of the lesson I was to learn here, that I could calm my mind and the consequent body upsets myself without needing someone else (usually a man) to come and make it better.

So I had some moments where I'd actually text myself.  Seriously.  I realized I could do it with iMessage so instead of texting Jason to say "help", I texted myself and then texted myself back and said Hey, you're ok, just breathe, I love you.

Maybe sounds cheesy or dumb from the outside but I think it helped.  I mean, if I can't reach out to myself, what's the point?  I downloaded some exercises back in Spring that were "self-compassion" exercises and while I haven't started them yet I do remember the first one being about learning to talk to yourself the way you would to a friend in need, so I guess it was my way of trying to do that.  I love helping my loved ones.  I think I'm pretty good at it.  I care.  I love.  I feel deeply.  Why not do that for me?

I also would start to spin while trying to find "the answer."  Like, the black and white clear response, even though when I did talk to some of my friends they all very clearly said there did not seem to be an answer and that I would just have to figure it out.  Which, I guess I was hoping someone would say "Do X" and I could go... yeah... that's clearly right.

So I'd try to find the answer, what I'd take to Jason when we did manage to find some time to talk or whatever and this would start to spin me out because of all the layers.  So many layers.  And something that I found helped would be to talk it out, out loud, as if Jason were there.  Because I would end up crying.  Crying because when I talk it out like that it's sad.  But then I'd finish the "conversation" and feel better somehow.  Even though nothing changed.

Yes, exercise has been helping, but that's only a small time in a large day, so I've been trying to cope the rest of the time too.

So my need for an answer hasn't helped.  My need to make things black and white and make a decision hasn't helped.  My constant arguing and cross-arguing hasn't helped.  But other things have.

Lots of things set me off.  Insecurities that are very very near the surface.  Worries.  Stressful tv shows even.  I'm not sure what the right/best things to be doing are, but I'm trying and I'm coping and that's... good.